The Enabler: "Good Cop" Part 2 Of 3

 

When someone such as Officer Lopez believes strongly in what he is doing, meaning law enforcement, they have a sense of power and control over someone, me for example, when that is as close to a lie as can be. Officer Lopez arrived at my place of business accusing me of murder when every piece of evidence shows that it was indeed an accident. Mentioning the incident with my brother, Maggie, and my mother.

My mother?

That was a bad move. If I were in his position that is information that would have been saved until a trial at the soonest. The fact that he had any information regarding her and could not contain it during our first meeting shows that not only is he not as professional as he believes he is, it also shows that he is excited and emotionally invested. One thing you should never be is emotionally invested in your job. There is no raise for it. This is more than a case for him to attempt to solve. This is a mission. I shall treat it the same. Sadly. For him. I do not take many attacks on me personally be they verbal or physical. But this time I am actively choosing to take it personal.

Johnny Panic: Street Walkin' Cheetah Part 2 of 3

Click here for Part 1.

After drying Milly off by just flying in circles quickly which she loves I decide that we should head over to L.A and visit my mom. Hopefully my brothers aren't there. Yeah, I know I barely ever talk about them and its for a reason. Not just because they are boring, jealous, haters. I mean, that would be as good a reason as any but its mostly because they are haters that are jealous and boring. They haven't even met Milly yet which is ridiculous. Its not like they don't know the worlds only superhero had a kid. They are just dicks. My mom tries every few months to get us all together but it never works out well. Its fine with me either way. My life is awesome.

I come in high and fast to avoid any attention which is proof that I am becoming more mature no matter what Ronica says. I land, remove a loose piece of seaweed from Milly's shoe, and head inside. I have a key. “Mama love!” I shout. Milly laughs. My mom comes out of the kitchen and rushes over...to Milly. She picks her up and hugs her. Milly starts to float lifting them both off the ground. “I missed you too, mommy.”

“Oh, stop being jealous” she tells me. “Look at her! She is so cute! Why does she smell like Venice Beach?”

“Its actually Poipu...”

“Either way she needs to be washed” she says and heads to the kitchen with Milly. Yeah, they are both still floating off the ground but my mom somehow knows how to guide Milly to where she needs her to go. She starts filling up the sink with water. “You cant have your baby running around smelling like wet hobo.”

"God Created Chip" Part 2

Click here for previous God Created Chip.

“Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.'”

Adam scared every animal in the immediate vicinity with a screeching yell as he woke to find a very important part of his anatomy was...shortened. Adam rushed past Eve and headed into the forest screaming the entire time.

“God!” he shouted. Thunder. Lightning. Smoke. God.

“Is there something wrong?” He asked.

“You notice anything different?” Adam asked.

Whites Only "Reunion"

Click here for the first story.

“It had a great, high wall with twelve gates, and with twelve angels at the gates. On the gates were written the names of the twelve tribes of Israel.” Revelation 21:12

Jim ran to the spot that Satan just occupied. Could he have been telling the truth? In all honesty Heaven had not been concerned with the planet Earth for quite a while. Time moved differently for them. In the amount of time it took for Red to ensure that his robe looked righteously tattered three humans will have been born, lived, and died of old age.

“Belial! Tsor! Wicked one! Little horn! Apollyon!” Red shouted as he shook his first to the ground.

“We do not have time for that right now” Jim said as he exited the room. “One hundred million angels and none knew this was going to happen?”

“How could they?” Red asked.

“Oh, shut up” Jim whispered. He grabbed a cherubim that was battling the loose souls and demons by flailing wildly at nothing by its small wings. “Where is the Lord?”

“Aah!” the human face shouted while the bull and lion remained silent.

“Those always creeped me out if I'm being honest” Red said as Jim released the cherubim. “I mean...why do they even look like that? Seems a bit excessive.”

Johnny Panic: Check Your Privilege Part 3 of 3

Click here for previous Check Your Privilege.

“I mean, honestly, who really cares about Johnny Panic anymore? Yeah, about ten years ago when he was a cute teenager flying through the air kicking tanks and saving old ladies as they crossed the street while an 18-wheeler barreled towards them we cheered him on but today he shtick is played. Yeah, he's rich. Yeah, he's hot. But I'm sick of seeing his face. I'm not the only one right?”

“Who is this ass-rascal?” I ask Ronica. We're sitting on the couch watching this chick talk mad shit about me. And the audience is applauding. Applauding, I say!

“Her name's Aphrodite Malone” she tells me. “She used to be a big time blogger, still is sometimes, but about a month ago they gave her a talk show.”

“Why?”

“People think she is funny” Ronica says. “I've read a few of her posts. I don't find her funny at all. She just complains about everything and other bitchy people cheer her on. Like now.”

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 5

Click here for previous season 2 Rehab.

The night goes by pretty uneventfully. I half hoped and was half afraid that Saucy was going to touch me in my sleep but he didn't. He was a perfect gentleman. I don't see what his wife's problem is. She got three kids out of him. Let him touch some dick. He's obviously given it to her in the past. But whatever. That's their problem. It is now morning time and I'm gonna do some physical activities with the women! Saucy is up before me and doing stretches. I try to bend and touch my toes and my back sounds like someone stepped on a bag of chips.

“Good God, boy!” Saucy says. “You need to get that checked out.”

“I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?” I ask him. “Wait. That didn't make sense, did it?” Someone taps on the door once and enters.

“You have three minutes” Mr. W. Scott says and closes the door. He sticks his head back in for a moment and checks off his clipboard then leaves again.

“That man is a living Harry Potter villain” Saucy says. “How are you holding up, kid?”

“I'll let you know as soon as the room stops moving” I tell him. Someone knocks at the door again. “The fuck is this? A sitcom?”

"Tawanda"

This story was originally written in 2009 after talking to someone about a female bully at my elementary school. No real names were used but similar situations were. 

"I'm uh beat yo ass."

Everyone heard her say it. She didn't even shout it. It was so quiet that even Ms. Washington, our lunch lady, heard her. She dropped her spatula. My brother Anthony started giggling. My girlfriend grabbed my hand.

"I don't wanna fight you, Tawanda" I tell her. And I don't. Tawanda has a record that Mike Tyson would've killed to have. One time she broke a teacher's finger for taking her glitter sprinkles.

"I don't care what you want, Maurice" she says. "I'm uh break you in half."

"Leave him alone, Tawanda" Anthony says. She looks at him and he takes a step back. "Calm ya little fat ass down. I'll hit a girl." Tawanda drops her sandwich and takes a step forwards. Anthony takes another step back. "I'm just messin' with you, girl."

"Strattera"

When I was 8 years old my parents were taken by aliens. No one believed me and the older I get the less I believe myself. I mean, I was a kid. I still believed in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny...and Dracula, the Wolf-man, and Frankenstein. I'll be 18 soon and these creatures that have been pretending to be my parents for the last decade need to die.

I've been studying their behavior all of this time and while they appear normal for the most part I have noticed a few things out of the ordinary. They have developed a distaste for salt and sugars. When I asked each of them why we were no longer allowing snacks that had them in the house anymore mom said “diabetes” and dad said “high blood pressure.” 

Either way, crumby food was kept in the house. They also got an aversion to bright lights which meant the house was now dark. I'm not talking regular dark. As close to pitch black as you can get dark.

When I first confronted them with my theory they put me on medication. Adderall, Focalin, Concerta, Quillivant XR, Ritalin, Vyvanse, Intuniv, Kapvay, and Strattera. All these did was harden my resolve. My parents knew that I knew that they knew something was up.

Its easy to get a gun today. You don't have to even see anyone. You just order them online. And that's what I did. I had to leave school early for three days to get the mail before my parents got home. So now here I am sitting on the couch in the dark waiting for them arrive. 

And when they do they better admit that they have been changed.

Johnny Panic: The New Hotness Part 1

“Did you pee on the toilet seat?” is not the first thing you want to hear when you wake up. Especially when it is from your lady/biggest fan/publicist. I need to make a bigger deal out of that last one. Publicist. Because my publicist, Ronica, did not warn me about the fact that I was about to have the worst day ever. My publicist was more worried about pee on the toilet than my livelihood.

“Its just water” I tell her and pull the blanket over my face and she yanks it off. “My binky!” I shout and cover back up.

“Its not water” she says. “Its pee from your penis that is all over the toilet seat.”

“Maybe Milly did it” I say. Yes, I am blaming our baby daughter. She caught me early. I'm not good at this early.

“Are you seriously blaming our baby that can't even stand up for peeing all over the toilet?” she asks me. I nod. She shakes her head. “Walter, go clean it up.”

“I don't wanna touch pee!”

“It's your pee” she says.

“Don't we have people to do that kinda thing?” I ask. “We're stank ass rich. Why do I have to clean up my own alleged pee when we're stank ass rich?”

Run, Hollywood, Run

On May 18th, 2015 America suffered its first death by zombie. By August 8th, 2015 4,000,000 plus had been overtaken by the hordes of undead. Unlike in the movies where the world would band together and defeat the threat and live happily ever after, in the real world everyone panicked.

Badly.

By statistics taken three years after the invasion had begun, 8 out of 10 Americans were infected. Those not infected either by genetics, luck, or a forgiving God, are called Alphas. Zombies are called Zetas. Most Alphas became solitary creatures. Zetas on the other hand travel in packs. Many packs. Ray and Thomas have personally removed 3,000 or so Zetas from the world.

By pure luck.

Heartless

A Conversation Between Paul and Jim

“It went clean through?”

“Clean through.”

“Clean?”

“Yeah. But here's the kicker.”

“What's that?”

“Took his heart with it.”

“Stop shitting me.”

“I shit you not.”

“His entire heart?”

Johnny Panic: The Fidgets

I don't handle boredom well. Ever since I was a kid when I got bored bad things would happen. Its even worse now because I'm stank ass rich and famous. Getting so a guy can't even fly to China and tickle a few pandas without it becoming some kinda international incident. So when Ronica saw me sitting on the roof staring at the sky and ocean she knew something was wrong.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked me. Not in a concerned about my well being kind of way. But in a “Oh no. If I don't think of something fast he's gonna end up on the news” kind of way. I just sighed. “Are you bored?”

“No...” I lie. “Stop looking at me like that. You can't read my mind. Right? That's not, like, some new power you've developed is it? Because that would not be good.”

“Well, you're sitting up there looking at the sky as if you're expecting it to respond” she says. “So you're either bored, fidgety, or high. And I know you're not high because you don't smell of zebra.”

“I only smell of zebra when I have the angries” I tell her. “I don't have the fidgets either.”

“You look like you have the fidgets.”

“You look like you have the fidgets.”

Johnny Panic: Superman Never Bragged 2 of 2

Click here for Part 1.

I fly back home and am still in a crumby mood. Stupid cops. Stupid city. Stupid poo waving hobo. I land and Ronica is standing on the porch with Milly floating with a tether attached otherwise she'd just keep going up. She wouldn't die in space or anything but space is big and finding a giggling baby in space is hard. Trust me. It happened once.

Ronica doesn't look happy.

“Hey, sexy ass” I say to her. She just looks at me. “Okay, fine. I screwed up.”

“Don't just say you 'screwed up', Walter” she tells me. Whenever she uses my real name that means she is mad at me. She's been using my real name a lot lately. “I told you to come back home because I knew you'd say something stupid.”

“You didn't tell me to come home you texted me” I say. Point: Me. “If you had called I would've known you were serious.”

“You need to fly back and apologize” she says. I laugh. She doesn't. “Don't make me call your mother.”

Johnny Panic: Superman Never Bragged 1 of 2

A guy has taken over a bank armed with a stick with poo on the end of it. No gun. No knife. Just a poo stick. This is how my week was starting. This is stupid and I'm not sure why the police even called me. But here I am. 9 in the morning and standing in the entrance of a bank watching this guy, obviously homeless, waving a stick in the air. He looks at me and there isn't a hint of recognition in his face which means he is like crazy because everyone knows who I am.

Johnny Panic.

He comes barreling at me and I sonic shout at him when he's a few feet from me. The stick falls to the ground a second after he does clutching his head and screaming. I turn around and the police come storming in. News cameras are waiting outside and I am just not in the mood. Or as Zazz used to say when we were kids and he didn't have the words to describe it “The Angers.”

Last week my mother had to get surgery. I took her to China because they are all about them stem cells and while she is recovering I've been super bummed out. Ronica has been good at cheering me up and was in the process of cheering me up with her mouth when I got the call to deal with this. The police captain doesn't even thank me. He nods and keeps on walking towards the guy on the ground while some officers put gloves on.

Let's Talk Turkey by Dante Ross

The last thing Tyler could remember was looking down at his receipt as he removed his card from the ATM machine. He had a bad habit of walking away from the machine as it beeped, alerting him to the fact that he was not as smart as he told himself.

$9,483.07.

That was how much he had in his account and it was the most he'd ever had. For the last ten months he'd been saving money from every single paycheck from the mail room. Every ache and pain he felt during the long bus rides home, paper cuts, constant sneezing from dust, and unimpressed looks from dates he got for his occupation was worth it for that $9,483.07.

“Almost awake.”

Tyler froze in place. Awake? Where was he? Who said that? Was he asleep? It was now registering that he could not feel his limbs. He tried to open eyes he could not blink. “Wheeeeeeeeeeere...?” he droned in a voice he did not recognize as his own.

Johnny Panic: Being All Inspirational And Sh!t 1 of 2

Nobody tells me what to do. I'm a superhero, damn it. But right now a teacher is giving me the rules of conduct while talking to a bunch of junior high kids. I hate junior high kids. They're the worse. Junior high is where you learn how to be an asshole. I've never met someone that was one way between the ages of 12 and 15 that turned out different than what I expected.

But what do I know about junior high anyway? I was home-schooled. Sorta. I've had these powers since I was little so keeping me in class would've been stutarded. How could they force me to do homework when I had the ability to physically toss the school across the city? They couldn't! That's how! So I picked up stuff along the way from reading books like Dragonball Z and watching Beakman's World reruns.

“Remember to not curse.”

“Okay.”

“These are children.”

“Okay.”

“You will be speaking for one hour.”

“Okay.”

“Are you listening?”

“Okay.”

“That's not an answer, Mr. Panic.”

“Okay.”

Th3rd Strike

The King was dead. But he did not die the way we were all led to believe. He died defending our great nation from a small scale Martian attack. Small scale. As if there's such a thing when it comes to Martians. No. It is referred to as “small scale” due to the fact that only 83 lives were lost. Shortly after his death a new king would emerge. A reluctant king.

Martin Luther King.

Jr.

“I'm not sure about this, my brother” MLK said told me that faithful day. “If Elvis couldn't survive them damned Martians, what chance do I have?” I understood his lack of faith in this regard. Martians are a tricky lot. Sometimes they stood as large as skyscrapers, wiping out entire city blocks with a sweep of their hand. Other times they were the size of molecules disguising themselves as viruses.

“Elvis wasn't the only one, Martin” I told him. “There are others like you.” I pressed a small button hidden in my cuff-link and in entered the rest of the team. A legendary team whose efforts would be hidden from history until now.

Th3rd Strike.

"Daisy Cutter" by Dante Ross

“Sir.”

“What?”

“DuBois is here.”

“Fuck.”

Frank DuBois was for lack of a better term a lunatic. After Tony, that's the sir mentioned above, inherited his father's business he also inherited his problems.

Problems like DuBois.

“Did he say what he wants?” Tony asked. His butler, Simmons, shrugged. “That's not a fucking answer and you know it isn't.” Simmons bowed and left the room. Tony slapped his desk and then rubbed his hand.

DuBois.

The last time he heard that name it was while playing blackjack with some associates in Las Vegas a month ago. One of them loved to hear himself talk. His name was Aimes.

Johnny Panic: Lunch And A Suicide Attempt

There was one time where I had to stop a guy that was gonna jump from a building. It was in downtown Los Angeles and 58 floors up. If he jumped when he hit the ground you'd have to use a sponge to clean him up. Me? I'd just giggle and head home to smoke pot or touch myself privately because my lady, Ronica, thinks that watching porn when you're in a relationship is dirty. She's a prude that way.

Oh, right. The jumper.

So the police call me right after lunch and say that someone is gonna jump. I ask if he asked for me. They say no, but that they know he'll be up there for hours if they try and get him down. I shit you not, they said that. This is when it sucks being a superhero like me. 

Johnny Panic. 

Voted Sexiest Man Alive even before I was legal.

So I fly up to the top of the building and there this guy is. He looks about my age. Okay looking. Not attractive enough for women to throw their draws at but okay. Could dress better. Pants are about two sizes too big. Shirt is ill fitting. Shoes out of style. Maybe that is why he is so sad.

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 4

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