Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 8

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

“You dare attack us after we have been so kind as to give you time to say goodbye to one another? You dare send a laughing ball of energy to attack our ships? You dare to send this Johnny Panic to attack us? Did he not suffer enough after our first encounter? Do not think that we will endure this affront. We are the Arkho. We do not lose.”

Holy shit they broadcasted that so loud that I could hear it over me kicking their asses. So far I have taken down over a dozen of their ships and it has been easy. Some would say too easy. Some would say that I'm just so good at the kicking of asses that it just appears too easy. What I need to do is find that first ship. The main ship. The big daddy dick ship that shot me out the sky and got this whole mess started. That day was gonna be so fun. I was planning on eating, laying in bed, maybe having sex and by maybe meaning definitely having sex, and then sleeping some more. It was gonna be so sweet. But then these cock rats had to show up and try to destroy the planet.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 35

“It was like a train wreck covered in baby oil.”

In this episode I catch everyone up on my week leaving the house, a woman that is in a 14 year vegetative state giving birth, Surviving R. Kelly and complacency, I talk about celebrities that have killed people and are free, Bryan Cranston catching shit for not being an actual quadriplegic, and Jasmine long distance punishes me by making me watch a Cardi B video. Click here for previous episodes.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Shaving

“I haven't shaved my legs!” is a battle cry I have heard over the years. Not in a long ass time but it is something I have heard in the past when it was not business time and I was just enjoying the fact that a lady allowed me to touch her legs. Not once in the time I ever got the opportunity to touch a lady leg did I think “Gee, I really hope she shaved her legs or else this shit is over!” Not. Once. Know why? Because I am a grown ass man and lady legs are the fucking bomb. For anyone new to this blog or my life I like legs. It is not a make or break thing for me but I appreciate the fuck out of a pair of legs whether they have been shaved or not. Right now best legs belong to Ashanti. Fight me. She can cornrow her leg hair and I would not care. I know that there are guys out there that will not go near a woman that has not shaved her legs or are turned off by some leg stubble but I am not one of them. I give no fucks. Check my pockets. No fucks. Guess why? Grown ass man.

Over time women have used all kinda crazy shit to get rid of leg hair. Tweezers, pumice stones, beeswax and sugar based waxes, walnut oil, bandages soaked in ammonia that came from cat pee, animal teeth, vinegar, lasers, and back in the day radiation. Straight up shit that made Godzilla women were using to get rid of some shit that is just gonna grow back. Yeah, lasers help get rid of it but its not like you go one time and its all done forever. I used to see these hair removal commercials on TV where women would marvel at their newly smooth skin. They weren't that hairy to begin with. Like lotion commercials where the folks aren't even ashy first. Bath with some Irish Spring, air dry, then show me that lotion application. To me not shaving your legs as a form of protest means nothing to me. Most protests are fleeting. “I am sick of shaving my legs to fit into social norms! Burn the machine! No more shaving!” Yeah...but nah. You're gonna shave something. I'm just saying for guys if you won't date a woman because of her body hair then chances are you will want a divorce when she farts. It's just hair. Deal with it.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 34

“How the fuck you put a domino in your dick?”

In this last episode of the year I catch you all up on my random wanderings, new pet store rules in California, stuff folks got stuck in their bodies in 2018, and play some clips from this past year featuring Jasmine. Click here for previous episodes.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 33

“How about tossing in a wet dream, life?”

In this episode I discuss my week, hanging out with friends, people carrying bad news in their pockets, a racist wrestling referee, a guy that really loves finches, two crappy mothers, and a study says Black people don't sleep enough. Click here for previous episodes.

Dante Vs. Nature 78

Bearded Vulture. Hey, look at me! I'm a living nightmare! There are enough creatures to keep me out of the water, the land is barely tolerable, and now I gotta worry about this bullshit up in the sky. This looks like something a kid with parents going through a nasty divorce would draw. Like a straight up creature from a movie. Look at that shit. I don't like it. Their wingspan can be anywhere between seven and a half to nine feet in length and fuck every foot of that. The old name for this is bone breaker which is not a name that should be used outside of porn. Their diet consists 90% of bone. Just straight up eating bones. What the fuck just sits there eating bones? This monster. They find bones, no matter how old they are, and just fly high and drop them to the ground. 

They also kill all kinds of things but tortoises seem to be their favorite to pick up off the ground and drop to their death. They also eat smaller birds by beating them to death with their wings. Wings are to get places for birds. They aren't like their arms or anything. It would be like using your bike to kill dinner. These live for about 21 years and in captivity can live to be 45 so...yeah. Thankfully these little assholes don't live here in the U.S otherwise that whole Blaxit thing would start sounding better. They have some in Africa too? Shit. Even the bible says these are not birds you should eat. I can't get down with any bird I can't eat.

Laughed To Death?

I was on Wikipedia and got stuck in what I call a “Wikihole.” I forget where I started but I ended up on a list of weird deaths throughout history. I read about a guy that died laughing. There have been a few of these but they were hundreds of years ago so there is not video of it...yet. I read about this 50 year old dude named Alex Mitchell that could not stop laughing while watching an episode of the show The Goodies. Specifically an episode known as Kung Fu Kapers and Ecky Thump. They had parts of it on Youtube but Daily Motion has the entire episode to watch. I streamed it through my Chromecast (best $30 ever spent) and prepared for my possible hilarious demise. I've never watched this show and do not plan on watching again so I don't care about these guys names.

One dude is teaching another kung fu and a third guy shows up telling them how he has a far more effective method. He refuses to teach them and they egg him on with insults until he relents the next day. They attack him with kung fu which does not work. Dressing in blackface with an afro and everything with does not work. A french getup with bread, random Asian sound effects, a Scottish dude. Nothing works. He just bonks them with black pudding and wins. They eventually put robotics into black pudding and attack the guy with remote control black pudding which pretty much looks like a bunch of dicks attacking them from the skies.

I didn't laugh once. No, I did laugh. I laughed at stuff I was saying during the show. Seriously. It looked like dude was knocking people unconscious with big, black dicks. I wasn't mad about the blackface stuff because this shit came out years before I was born. Its always silly to me when people get offended by old shit. They bring their present day anger to the past which is a great way to live a miserable life. I like stuff like Monty Python and other random thing B&H have shown me. But this show is not for me. And as you can tell by the fact that I am posting this, I did not die laughing.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 32

“If you lean on your horn for more than three seconds your car should burst into flames.”

In this sadly Jasmine free episode I talk about gatherings, random things I have been up to, read tales of dirty talk from Cosmo, and read an article about how to discipline your child. Click here for previous episodes. Songs: Pet Shop Boys What Have I Done To Deserve This/Childish Gambino This Is America Remix

Dantania Holiday Tips

It seems like lately I've been hearing a lot more about mental health and self care. Yeah. Been hearing a lot about it but not seeing it in action. That's a thing that is more prevalent today more than it used to be because with things like the internet we have the ability to appear smarter, better, and more relaxed than we actually are. I have been described by people as relaxed but I would never use that word to describe myself. I tend to expect stupid things to happen at any moment so when something does occur it is not so much as “Holy shit what happened?!” as it is “Yeah, that was about due.” Plus I have a tendency to not care far more than I should about most things.

During the holidays people get stressed out for a lot of reasons. They spend a lot of money on gifts. They have to spend time with their family. They have to travel. They are lonely because they have no one to spend the holiday with. Whatever your reason, I am gonna give you some tips on how to get through not just this time of year but regular ass stress that you can avoid by being like me. And by being like me I mean being less social. Kidding. But not at all. I'm also gonna talk about ways to avoid conflicts if you do choose to spend time with folks or have no choice.

Hair Dye Turns Girl Into Garbage Pail Kid

Doing your hair at home. It always sounds like a good idea. Do some highlights. Maybe a little trim. Next thing you know you're leaving the house wearing a hat because you fucked yourself up. This 19 year old from Paris named Estelle decided to dye her hair at home and ended up looking like what she describes as a “light bulb head.” I prefer Garbage Pail Kid. You'll see. By the way, these are those kinda things that do not happen often or have these extreme results but folks like to panic so everyone is gonna be racing to their hair dyes to see if they contain anything that can turn you into the Toxic Avenger. She started with a patch test and left it on for half an hour. All seemed well so she put it all over her head even though the box says to wait 48 hours. That seems weird. Do you just walk around with this one colored spot or something? Either way, she could feel that something just ain't right like a Keith Sweat lyric (if you got that joke marry me) and took some pills and anti-itch shit and immediately rushed to the hospital.

Kidding. She went to bed. 

When she woke up her whole head was fucked. The chemical that got her is known as PPD (paraphenylenediamine) that can cause some reactions in folks. Like her. She rolled that shit hand of the dice and turned into Large Marge. “I could not breathe. I had a lightbulb head. Before arriving at the hospital, you just don't know how long it will take for you to suffocate, if you have the time to get to the hospital or not.” Personally, I would not have even been able to go to sleep with my head feeling like shit. I have lived with Black women who had the shittiest nights' sleep because of their perm, braids, or new weave. Not from pain so much as not wanting to mess it up.

Five Things I Learned Moving Dead Bodies

Years ago I worked at a hospital as a patient escort. When people would ask me what the job was I would just say “I move people.” I also say that the job does not exist on television. When someone is brought to a hospital on TV and movies you see every doctor that will be doing the operation or whatnot grab a side of the gurney, shout things, rush into a room, and get to work. That is not what happens. The job was way more than that though. I would get a call when someone arrived, told where to take them, do that, and then the slow process of getting someone into a room or whatever would begin.

Besides moving people around I would pick up equipment and take people to places using a wheelchair, their bed, or gurneys. And sometimes I'd have to take dead people to the morgue. There were rarely good days at the hospital but good days included not having to move a dead body. Those days sucked. In this post I am gonna talk about the Five Things I Learned Moving Dead Bodies. If you are a sensitive mortal you probably should not read this because I'll be talking about moving dead folks. Everyone else continue reading this and never ask me why I won't work at a hospital again.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Toenails

I just watched a video of a guy getting an ingrown toenail removed. It was horrifying. Not just because he let it get so bad that he had to see a specialist but because just looking at his other toenails I could tell that this dude probably cut his nails once every few months and did absolutely nothing to take care of things like using lotion of getting rid of dead skin. The shit was foul and not necessary. Growing up my family took care of each others grooming. From haircuts, popping bumps, plucking hairs, cleaning ears, and cutting nails. One time I went over my brothers house and he asked me to cut his toenails and I said “Sure.” His girlfriend at the time and her hot ass cousin were horrified and said he'd been asking them all day. To me it wasn't a big deal. Plus there is the fact that one of my grandfathers got an infected toenail and lost his leg. Fuck that. I am not losing a leg over something as easy to take care of like a toenail. I'm not losing a leg to anything other than an alligator or a terrible snu-snu incident.

I'm not saying you need to buff and shine them. Just every few weeks look at your nails and ask “Can I slice deli meat with these? If I were asked to climb a wall without the use of my hands could I? Are my toenails the color of tea?” If the answer is yes you need to sit your ass down and handle your toenails. It does not take long and it not hard to do. If it physically hurts your body to get into position to cut your own nails then go to a shop. Or handle those random body issues. When I see a dude with jacked up fingernails I can only imagine the horror show that is happening in their shoes. There is no reason for your toenails to look like tree bark. If you said “It doesn't matter 'cause nobody can so them!” then I am gonna go ahead and assume that your dick looks like a briar patch and your fingernails look like an elephant graveyard. Just because someone can not see a problem does not mean it's not a problem. Be an adult and keep your nasty ass vessel clean.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 31

Jasmine has returned and it makes me all of the happy! In this episode we do a recap of our Ultra Fat Tour, Dante rants about voting stickers, a story about a guy spreading religion and getting an arrow in return, talk of Wild Wild Country, Dante wants a cult, talk of the guy with the Thick Neck and turning infamous to famous using the internet, how to get a good mugshot, asking Jasmine who is the better mother in two news stories, a Dear Jasmine segment, the stresses of moving out of home. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 7

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

Zazz has fainted by the time I catch him. I tap his cheek and he snorts. I tap him again and he nuzzles into my arms and whimpers. This would be cute if it were my daughter. Or Ronica. Or a puppy. But not a chubby, tear streaked man that smells of onion rings. I don't even know how he manages to get onion rings here on the island but he does. I slowly head back to the ground and Ronica's disapproving glare. She is super pissed. She wasn't even this pissed off when I started that campaign to get Small Wonder brought back with the original cast. She believed that the show was a classic and a reboot would tarnish that. Sure, it turns out that she was right and Vicki the Robot put in maximum 30% effort. But still. I got to be in the music video for the remix of the theme song.

“Put Zazz down” Ronica hisses. Like actually hisses. “You and I need to talk right now, Walter.”

“But the aliens...”

“NOW.”

Dante Doesn't Bitch About People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2018

People Magazine announced that Idris Elba was the Sexiest Man Alive for 2018 and the world collectively went “Of course.” I can't think of one person that would disagree with this. “I do!” the guy in the back shouted. Look. I'm not gay but if Idris made a move on me I wouldn't react that way I would if some dude at work or on the street hit on me. What I'm saying is that there would be some internal struggling and dialogue happening. “I'm not gay. But this is Idris Elba. But I'm not gay. Right?” Look. There ain't nothing wrong with admitting that another guy is good looking no matter how straight you are. I am also fully aware that if I was talking to some lady and Idris walked into the room I would suddenly disappear. I would become this tall dark barrier keeping her away from a slightly taller barrier. And way better looking. And cooler.