Hollywood is accused a lot of times of rebooting or rehashing things. When it comes to comic books the same rule applies. There have been a few
Superman,
Batman, and
Hulk films that change actors or pretend the last films didn’t happen in the first place. These are some (
of lord knows how many) comic book based films that I would love to be seen done correctly.
 |
| Wanted |
Kid with shitty job, girlfriend, and life meets hot Black chick who kills everyone in a restaurant and tells him that his father was recently killed (
right before watching some dudes have sex and recording it on tape). Turns out dad was known as
The Killer and belonged to
The Fraternity; a group of super villains who gathered one day and defeated every hero in the world and erased the world’s memory making them forget heroes ever existed. He rapes, kills, and causes mayhem just for fun. Father returns saying he faked his death and has his son kill him to inherit millions of dollars and it all ends happily ever after.
Kid with shitty job, girlfriend, and life meets skinny White woman who stops an assassin from killing him in market. Finds out father was killed and belonged to a group known as
The Fraternity. This group has mastered the ability to make bullets turn in the air. Oh, and they take their orders from a loom. A fucking
loom. In the end everyone dies except the kid who threatens Hollywood and the public with a sequel. Please don’t. There are no costumes or super villains in this
entire movie.
 |
| Catwoman |
Burglar
Selina Kyle spends her free time stealing cash and mostly jewelry from some of the wealthiest people in
Gotham City. Has on again and off again relationship with
Batman. Before beginning a life of crime spent time training in martial arts and being a prostitute. As a child both her parents die (
suicide and alcoholism) and she is placed in an orphanage. Tries to get administrator arrested for stealing money but is caught and tossed in river in a sack. She comes back and has him erase her name from records.
Catwoman is very resilient. A fairly simple story that would be pretty impossible to ruin, right?
Artist and graphic designer
Patience Phillips overhears the makeup company she works for is still planning to sell a makeup that causes disfigurement. They find her and she tries to escape through a pipe but ends up drowning. A cat brings her back to life and she discovers she now has cat-like abilities like throwing her leg over her head and licking herself and saying terrible puns. She wears a mask and torn leather pants and begins to fight crime. Seriously. This was filmed for
$100,000,000. I still have no idea where $99,000,000 of that money went to. Maybe the Thai stuntman that did all the hard stuff. I'm serious. A tiny man did all those flippy moves. Think about that when you're touching yourself to this movie.
 |
| Hellblazer: John Constantine |
Londoner
John Constantine while in his mothers womb strangled his twin brother with an umbilical cord. She then died giving birth. He grows up knowing how to use magic but chooses not to deciding to fight dirty instead. All of his friends die just from knowing him. He is a total asshole that hates his abilities and ha demon blood from having sex with a succubus and a transfusion with a demon. His look is based off of musician
Sting.
John Constantine does exorcisms for a living with his assistant who is pretty useless. He is hired to investigate the murder of a cops twin sister. Meanwhile a Mexican guy finds a weapon, the
Spear Of Destiny, and is walking to L.A to bring evil. Constantine fights bug men, crazy ass angels, and even Satan himself…until he stops Constantine from dying and cures him of lung cancer. This movie loses on so many levels the highest being
Shia LeBouf.
 |
| Superman |
An alien child from
Krypton lands on Earth, specifically
Smallville, Kansas. They teach him to be a good man. He stands for “
truth, justice, and the American way.” He’s saved the planet more times than he can count. Battles creatures to protect not only his city of
Metropolis, but the world. Works by day as a reporter. In love with fellow reporter
Lois Lane for decades. Wears bright blue suit with red underwear and looks as if he is chiseled from stone. One of the most powerful comic book characters ever created. He has heat vision, freeze breath, super speed, super strength, and the ability to fly. Only weaknesses are
Kryponite and magic.
An alien child returns back to Earth after leaving for years. He left but not before reversing the planets rotation to save one person, using the ability to teleport, create holograms of himself, freezing entire lakes (
animals and possible swimmers be damned) to put out a fire, kissing the woman he reversed the planet for and making her forget his secret identity after having sex with her, and using his shield on his chest to wrap a villain. Finds out that
Lois Lane is now dating
Cyclops and mopes. He then gets stabbed with a
Kryptonite knife, raises a Kryptonite mountain from the sea and throws it, and finds out that he has a son. Everything I said
happened.
Kid with shitty job, girlfriend, and life meets skinny White woman who stops an assassin from killing him in market. Finds out father was killed and belonged to a group known as The Fraternity. This group has mastered the ability to make bullets turn in the air. Oh, and they take their orders from a loom. A fucking loom. In the end everyone dies except the kid who threatens Hollywood and the public with a sequel. Please don’t. There are no costumes or super villains in this entire movie.
Artist and graphic designer Patience Phillips overhears the makeup company she works for is still planning to sell a makeup that causes disfigurement. They find her and she tries to escape through a pipe but ends up drowning. A cat brings her back to life and she discovers she now has cat-like abilities like throwing her leg over her head and licking herself and saying terrible puns. She wears a mask and torn leather pants and begins to fight crime. Seriously. This was filmed for $100,000,000. I still have no idea where $99,000,000 of that money went to. Maybe the Thai stuntman that did all the hard stuff. I'm serious. A tiny man did all those flippy moves. Think about that when you're touching yourself to this movie.
John Constantine does exorcisms for a living with his assistant who is pretty useless. He is hired to investigate the murder of a cops twin sister. Meanwhile a Mexican guy finds a weapon, the Spear Of Destiny, and is walking to L.A to bring evil. Constantine fights bug men, crazy ass angels, and even Satan himself…until he stops Constantine from dying and cures him of lung cancer. This movie loses on so many levels the highest being Shia LeBouf. 
An alien child returns back to Earth after leaving for years. He left but not before reversing the planets rotation to save one person, using the ability to teleport, create holograms of himself, freezing entire lakes (animals and possible swimmers be damned) to put out a fire, kissing the woman he reversed the planet for and making her forget his secret identity after having sex with her, and using his shield on his chest to wrap a villain. Finds out that Lois Lane is now dating Cyclops and mopes. He then gets stabbed with a Kryptonite knife, raises a Kryptonite mountain from the sea and throws it, and finds out that he has a son. Everything I said happened.
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