Dante's Fuckit List Entry 7

Till this day whenever I am a part of a gathering I see these things everywhere. People cant function without them and when they don’t work damn near lose their minds. For 33 years I have managed to not own one nor do I ever plan on getting one. It seems that it will be forced into my hands some day but I will go down fighting to keep it away!

Get A Cell Phone.

I don’t like cell phones. If you have talked to me for more than five minutes you know at least three things about me. 1. That I love a nice set of thighs. 2. I come across as a dick. 3. That I don’t have a cell phone nor have I ever learned how to use one properly.

Watching me try to use one is like seeing those old films with monkeys pretending to be humans and talking on the phone. Even holding a cell phone makes me feel weird. Its like I’m touching something evil that only I can see. Its my own personal They Live.

People say to me “Hey, sexy ass Negro. One day you’ll have to get one!” or “I don’t see how you can live without a cell phone! I would die!” That makes me sad. I grew up in a time where cell phones were the size of infants and were hot when you used one for too long. They still get hot now but then people use the hands free devices.

One of the funniest and sometimes annoying thing about not owning a cell phone is the questions and scenarios that I’m given that are supposed to prove that I need a cell phone. Here are a few examples.

“What if you’re lost?”

I like to think that my grown ass knows what to do if I were lost.

“What if you’re in danger?”

I don’t think there’s a cell phone heavy enough to use as a weapon.

“What if someone is hurt and needs your help?”

Then they obviously have the wrong guy for “in case of emergency call” don’t they?

Then there’s the fact that people never look happy when on their cell phones. Its never like “Hello? What?! Cookies! And cake?! Holy shit, I’ll be right there!” Its always “Hello? Hey. What? Fuck that! I ain’t do shit with that bitch! Fuck you too! Wait! I didn’t mean it! I love you!” How could I possibly not want to join that group?

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