Dante Saves You: The Warriors Edition

Sometimes in life you get thrown monsters, zombies, and vampires. And then other times God says “Fuck you! Fight the city!” This week I’m gonna try my damnedest to have you survive the baddest gangs of the movie The Warriors.

Pictured: The Warriors. Be scared.

There’s gangs like The Rogues, Boppers, Boil Avenue Runners, Electric Eliminators, Savage Huns, and even Satan’s Mothers. I shit you not, that’s an actual gang in the movie. If you listen to me you’ll make it home safely. Most of you. Some of you will try your damnedest to not listen to me and get knived by some asshole dressed like a mime. That would be one of the Hi-Hats.

So You’ve Met The Turnbull AC’s.

These lunatics are the closest thing to dirt people in the movie. They are dangerous because they look like a bunch of Skin Heads but the fact that a psychotic looking Black guy is with them makes me feel a bit better about the whole thing. Actually, that makes it scarier!

Solution.

"Affirmative Action, muthafuckas!!!"

Run! They have a bus, okay? I haven’t gotten around to teaching you how to defeat vehicles, let alone vehicles that are full of homicidal maniacs that are hell-bent on sticking boards with nails in them up your ass. Which sucks. There’s a bunch of them and they wear sunglasses at night like a group of Corey Harts. Hide in shadows and let them drive right the fuck on by. See how easy that was?!

So You’ve Met The Orphans.

These guys are so low on the totem pole they didn’t even know that there was a huge meeting for all the gangs in the city. There’s a bunch of them and they look like they lost a bet with winning and failed their entire lives. They may have a gun between the lot of them but I doubt it works. And even if it does I seriously doubt they can afford bullets.

Solution.

It's really a toothbrush but they don't tell him.

The guy above is their leader. Look at this loser. Do I really have to tell you how to beat him? He looks like he hasn’t seen a shower in years and has a lazy eye. So stay on that side. He’ll swing his blade wildly and end up cutting one of his loser friends. He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy that can take a punch. And guess what sweet piece of ass you get for a reward?!

They say its rude to point. I find it polite.

Yeah. I mean, she’s cute…ish. For 1979 she’s pretty damned cute because that entire decade was nothing but a hot mess. I’m shocked the world made it past that. Fucking polyester. Anyway, this chick doesn’t wear bras. And you know what they say about girls that don’t wear bras? No, I’m asking. I have no idea what they say. Hopefully it involves a handjob. With a glove. She doesn’t look “clean.”

So You’ve Met The Lizzies.

Yes! This is what I’m talking about! Hot, bad, evil dames! Its nice to be around the company of women. Yeah, you have that chick you picked up from the last gang but she’s turned out to be annoying as fuck. But not these ladies. They look like they want to touch your bikini zone and I’m not disagreeing. I’m all about stranger danger. Running from gangs is hard work and there’s nothing better than sex after running all day. Women love the ball sweat.

Solution.

My mind's telling me run. But my penis is saying stay.

Since we’ve already left Reality Land and ignored the fact that these chicks are named after another word for “lesbians” its time to pretend that these girls are actually into you. It must be the sexuality oozing off your body. Or your lopsided afro. Turns out you’re wrong on every front. These crazy dames wanna kill you dead! And they got knives and shit!

From the makers of 2 Girls 1 Cup comes 7 Girls 1 Gun.

And by “shit” I mean guns! They packing heat and even though there’s like 1,200 of you in a tiny fucking apartment they have no qualms about firing a weapon! What you have to do is tuck your dick between your legs and start punching them in the face. Hey, I’m not advocating hitting women but--fuck that, they trying to kill you! Punch anything with a vagina! But not that one kid in your crew. He just looks like a girl.

Mmm, mmm, mmm...

So You’ve Met The Punks.

Nothing screams “punk” quite like big sons of bitches wearing striped shirts and overalls. These guys troll the subways looking for trouble. Or corn. Either way they wear rollerskates which is weird because I like to think that skates would make being dangerous hard to do. We’re tough and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let us get taken out by hip hillbillies!

Solution.

"Nope. No corn in here."

They have the magical ability to make their skates vanish. I don’t know when they all stopped and made their skates vanish into thin air but they did. Or they did it when you were busy hiding in the bathroom stalls and praying that they didn’t find you. Because you never told anyone about that time at the skate rink when a 5 year old knocked you down and danced in circles around you.

It hurts them when you use your fists.

Even though there’s a bunch of these dudes they obviously spent more time learning how to stay vertical than practicing taking a punch. These guys go down faster than a 90 pound guy in jail with no teeth. What’s with that guy anyway?! You’d think he’d try to stay out of trouble. This gang also has a secret weakness: being thrown through doors. So do that.

So You’ve Met The Baseball Furies.

There’s three things I cant stand: People who fight in packs, cocky assholes, and baseball. I really hate baseball. So going up against these guys is gonna bother me on many levels. Thankfully they don’t have knives or guns but they do have big fucking baseball bats. Which isn't cool. It sucks even more when they tape two of them together making some sort of…super bat…stick club…thing.

Solution.

Welcome to Astoria!

Fight as dirty as you can. They want you dead and you want to live long enough to reconcile with those lesbians you fucked up earlier. If you can get those bats away from them and forget that they’re human. Just smack the shit out of them. Especially the one that looks like Don Cheadle that may or may not be a Black dude. He creeps me right the fuck out.

Don Cheadle time! Get extra Black on 'em!

None of them are big dudes so that works for you. Since you have no weapons and they are proud of theirs just kick them square in the nuts. I mean so hard that you see their face change colors under their paint. So hard that their fathers wakes up weeping and not knowing why. But we know why. Its because he’ll never have grandchildren.

So You’ve Met The Riffs.

Oh, no the Blackers! This is a big ass group of nothing but Black dudes who I assume know karate since they wear karate clothes. But that could be a lie. They could be faking it but do you really want to chance it? If someone walks up to me and does a backflip I throw my wallet at them. Jokes on them though because there’s nothing in it!

Solution.

"Just let your Soul Glo!"

Their leader was killed and these dudes are past pissed. They are at a level of pissed that hasn’t been seen since those slaves in Texas found out late that slavery was abolished. Don’t quote me on that. I’m here for violence, not facts. Either way, if confronted with these guys ignore the cries for help from your White friends and give these guys a complicated handshake we Blacks love so much.

That...is a lot of Black Dynamite.

Yeah, I didn’t think that would work. Look, just calmly explain to these guys that you didn’t kill their leader. Tell them that you admired his perm and shiny shirt. You found his speech inspirational and wish that you could join their fake Black Panther-like group. Then kick them so hard in the chin they bite their brain! We go down fighting, bitches!