Dante Saves You: Being On A Spaceship Edition

I know I’ve tried to teach you how to fend off all kinds of things ranging from killer clowns, to monsters, to aliens. But at some point you may end up on a spaceship. Whether its by choice or not doesn’t really matter. Your ass is now on a spaceship and you need to know how to survive on it.

When I think of spaceships three types come to mind. Small ones, big ass ones, and fucking Earth Rapers. I’m gonna show you how to behave and even win if you happen to end up on one of these sons of bitches. Most of you will make it back to Earth. Like…the important parts of you. Meaning your genitals. Its time to save you from Being On A Spaceship!

So You’re On Firefly.

I don’t know what short straw you drew to end up on this flying garbage can, but its too late to bitch about it now. Here you are riding in the equivalent of a shopping cart in space. The ship is barely being held together and a hit from an enemy will likely kill every on board.

"We're landing? We survived?! Seriously?!"

But everyone is cool. You have friends and there are cute chicks all over the place. Yeah, they are all taken and the hottest one is crazy as all get out but you never know when one of the other guys will get killed. Which would be sad…for a moment. You’re in a time bomb and I totally forgot to mention what you have to deal with.

Solution.

"Let me lands my hands on ya!"

There are these things called Reavers. They operate on a level of insanity that you haven’t even begun to reach. Oh, you forgot your medication? There is no medication for the amount of loon each of these contain! They are the worst kind of enemy. They are space aged Dirt People!

Want to touch the hienie...

You know the crazy chick I mentioned? Yeah. Hook up with her. Even if its not sexually, because life is not fair, just being near her will up your chances of living long enough to film yourself crying on a holographic cube. Do they have Holodeck’s on this thing? I doubt it. Because I would be doing some things to her that haven’t been legal since the 1800’s. No, not slavery!

So You’re On The V Mothership.

This is one of the Earth Rapers I was talking about. It is the size of a city and is full of aliens. Yes, the aliens are hot. I should just leave it at that. When this thing arrives it shows an image of a hot chick telling us she and her race just want to borrow some stuff. No big deal. Oh, and they are gonna cure everything including giraffe AIDS.

Damn. Astoria sure has changed...

The inside of this thing is massive! They have things that we can only dream of having. The aliens are cool and even offer to have some of us join them. You get a cool uniform and weapons. Weapons! Just in case some humans don’t agree with what the aliens are doing. Sign me up!

Solution.

Maybe its Maybeline.

The hot chick I mentioned earlier is a goddamn lizard and that’s not cool. Trapping me with her human looking vagina only to rip my head off with sharp teeth is unacceptable. Though they are aliens you can still punch them in the face or shoot them. Use that rage at all the false sex you were gonna get as energy to defeat them. Nothing is more powerful than “Lost Vajayjay” rage.

So You’re On The USS Enterprise.

You’ve made it, baby! You’re like Little Bo Peep. This ship isn’t too big, it isn’t too small. Its just right. And it’s a fucking target for every alien race in the galaxy. I swear if you search hard enough you’ll find a giant magnet in the ship that someone set it to “Attract Danger.”

Shields? We don't need no stinkin' shields!

Now, if you’re not wearing a red shirt your chances of survival are greater, but not by much. Each time the ship is attacked countless poor suckers are yanked into space never to be recovered. The cosmos is littered with uniforms just because of this ship. But you decided to leave the comforts of Earth and just wanted to be in Whoopi Goldberg’s bar, so pffft.

Solution.

What it do?

Find the Black guy. Sorry. The Black looking guy. That would be Worf. He is a Klingon but whatever. He’s the closest you’re gonna come to a Black person that is dangerous. Oh, did you say Geordi Le Forge? The blind Black guy? Yeah, good luck with that. Worf will fuck people up. That’s what he would be doing if he wasn’t on the ship.

Klingon's have perfected the Bionic Elbow!

Look at him go! There are other aliens on the ship that call themselves your friend but fuck that. Worf will rip someone’s heart out and then laugh about it. Stick to him and you should survive. Unless something even more crazy than him shows up. Like The Borg. Fuck these things.

Run away! Run away!

If these show up just get right with Jay-zus. There are ways to defeat them but who has time for that? You, like me, were too busy in the Holodeck doing things that make your ancestors weep in shame. Just get to the bridge and look busy. But stay away from any control panels since those things are more flammable than paper mache draws in a spark factory.

Hey, I think the burritos are finished. Let me go chec--AARRGGGHH!!!