Religion is already a scary thing. So what do you do when someone takes the belief in a higher power and turns it to 11? You fight back, you blasphemous heathen! In this special edition we’re gonna take a special look at Religious Fanatics. I’ve helped you fight all manners of aliens, monsters, crazy White women, and even prison. This time we’re gonna enter into the minds of these nutjobs.
I’ll be honest, this one will be hard. Some of these people have special powers or just bionic strength that comes from the belief in a higher power. Don’t underestimate your opponent. That’s the worst thing you can do with religious fanatics. You don’t wanna end up smitted. Smitten? Smooten? Hurt, okay. You don’t wanna get hurt.
Hey There’s Reverend Henry Kane.
Whoa. Just…whoa. Next to a Jehovah’s Witness this is probably the last thing you need peeping through your damned screen door. This freak was the leader of a cult that was waiting for the end of the world. Sounds familiar? He and his followers ended up in caves underneath your house and wants your daughter to help him continue his crazy ass quest. Doesn’t seem too unreasonable.
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| "Let me lay hands on you..." |
If you don’t have any spare Native Americans laying around you’re gonna have to handle this on your own. As if you don’t have enough reasons to hate the elderly, he is persistent as fuck. Even when you move your kid away he will still be able to track her ass down using…magic? I don’t know. Old people can do some pretty strange shit. Ever shake an old persons hand? Its like having your hand run over by a car. How can you beat this old bastard?
Solution.
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| Welcome to the world of insomnia! |
This is not something that all old people can do. Turning into something so goddamn evil its known only as Beast is not cool. Hopefully you have a dwarf in your life that you haven’t alienated because you’re gonna need every bit of help you can get to destroy this thing. Any creature that uses TV for evil must be destroyed! I would suggest you use a heavy frying pan. Though it is a unholy beast that shit will still hurt or annoy it until it leaves.
Hey There’s Abin Cooper.
All’s you wanted to do was just get a blowjob with your buddies by going online and answering an ad. You know, just like every other guy you know. Next thing you know you’re in a trailer in the woods being drugged and wake up bubble wrapped to a cross with your buddies down in a hole. Abin runs a group of like minded individuals who believe that one day god will fall from the sky and wreck shit. It doesn’t help that he’s charismatic as fuck. How can you get out of this?
Solution.
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| Like shooting fish in a barrel. Which he did earlier for the hell of it. |
This guy doesn’t have super powers unless you count the ability to scare the fuck out of anyone that doesn’t believe in the Lord the way he does. But he does have a lot of guns. Like…a lot of guns. He knows how to use them and so do his followers. You could call the law to help you out because surely he’s afraid of going to jail.
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| The Astoria welcoming committee. |
Okay, that’s fine. He has people of all ages in his group. What you do is convince one of his followers, preferably a young impressionable girl, to help you out. She knows this group is bonkers and will beg you to help her…and her little brothers and sisters. Fuck that. Its time for some every man for himself! Just dive out the window and run towards the cops waving your arms wildly. Unless you’re Black. Then I wouldn’t recommend that action.
Hey There’s Margaret White.
So your mother decided to fuck a trucker and ever since she doesn’t let a goddamn day go by where she doesn’t remind you of that mistake by shouting things like “I should’ve killed myself when he put it in me.” Kinda makes Mother’s Day kinda uncomfortable, huh? There’s not exactly a card that will make a mother like this happy. This woman yells at you when you get your first period, when you wear something that shows you have boobs, and walks around with hair that makes the 80’s go “Okay, enough is enough.”
Solution.
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| Pictured: worst parent ever. |
She’s a normal human, just crazy on a level that hasn’t existed since before we had language. Oh, and she has access to knives. Big ass knives. If you don’t have magic powers like Carrie you can always just smash a chair over her spine Cactus Jack style. Seriously. Its just a crazy White woman. Plus any dame that wears an outfit like that past the year 1890 needs to be taken to Puppy Lake.
Hey There’s Eli Sunday.
He’s a kid. A crazy, crazy kid.
Solution.
That.
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