Dante Saves You: Viral Edition

It’s the time of the year when people start getting sick. Why? Because folks are nasty ass mofos that think that washing their hands after taking a piss or sneezing into their palm is optional. Guess what? Its not! Next thing you know your entire job and household has the Plague and it can be traced back to Harold in accounting who coughs into the microwave.

Its time to stop booty cooties and I am here to help you with this Viral Edition. There are lots of magical little viruses and they can do everything from making your nose run to being liquid out of every hole. A lot of this stuff is basic information but you know what people say about that: Some folks like their cucumbers pickled. What? Don’t try and figure it out. Let me save you!

So You Got The Contagion.

One day you decide to fuck around with an ex boyfriend while your husband and child are back at home. No harm no foul. Next thing you know you head back home and your body starts breaking down like an American made car. You could hurry up and get help…or you could cough all over everyone. Because that’s how you really show someone you love them.

Solution.

Now that you’ve died after catching HIVcancerH1N1tuberculosis its time for those of us that are amongst the living to survive. What you need to do is stay at home. If you haven’t already gathered supplies for this then you’re probably like me and will just loot the folks that are prepared. Hey, asshole. Don’t brag about how ready you are for the end of the world. I’m from L.A. We loot when the sun goes down too early.

Welcome to Astoria!

Also, don’t wander the streets hoping that the military are gonna help you. There’s this thing called “martial law” and I don’t know what it means in the real world but in films it means that the army is gonna shoot anyone not wearing camouflage. The streets will look like the rapture because apparently when you run in a panic you strip your clothes off like you’re on fire.

So You Got The Outbreak.

Damn you, monkeys! Almost every problem that starts is caused by monkeys or the government. Or Africa. Seriously, that place is just our immune system for the universe. Aliens keep away because of Australia but Africa is the reason why they don’t call. So don’t go there. Somehow a monkey has spread something new and its killing folks. How can you stay alive?

Solution.

If you see anyone in hazmat suits…don’t ask them for help. I’ve seen it happen a million times. “Help! Me and my family are--!” Blam! You may not know it but you look like a fucking lunatic running towards people screaming when the world is dying from super AIDS. If you stay at home with your family when the world is safe, why would you decide to leave it when the world is dangerous?

We’ve all seen helicopters. They are loud and big. Ever see a military copter? They are fucking loud and fucking big. And they have these things called “guns” mounted on them. Guns throw things called “bullets” at you and they hurt. Don’t rush outdoors waving at them.

So You’ve Got The Crazies.

Damn you, military! Its not bad enough you live in a small town which is the target for most fucked up new things. You live in a small town where the army spilled some shit and now people are acting like they’re at a Skrillex concert. You have a family and friends so you’re stupid and feel a responsibility to keep them safe which sucks for you. On the plus side, you’re a man of the law so you have access to more weapons than Christ. Let’s do this!

Solution.

"Uh...hey, Roger?"

Don’t trust anyone. You know that neighbor you borrowed sugar from last week? He’s full of whatever the fuck the army spilled and he’s ready to wreck shit. You cant talk to him. You cant reason with him. He’s set his anger to 11 and likes it. If you’re not at home and see one of these crazy sons of bitches, kill it immediately. There is no cure besides a violent death.

If you manage to get caught by the military--sorry. “Quarantined” by the military you’re pretty much fucked if you’re a trusting person.  When you are being paraded through the camp and there are people in hazmat suits and others in rifles you know nothing good is going to happen. Also, white tents. Have you ever seen hundreds of white tents set up where awesome things happened? Nope!

So You’ve Got The 28 Days Later.

You got into an accident and wake up and the world is overrun by a disease. You stumble out of the hospital into a world that is--wait a damned second. Isn’t that how The Walking Dead started?! Yes, it is. Copycat ass story. Anyway, you find out that SURPRISE a new disease is started because of the government messing around with monkeys. People are raging like my boner at 3 in the morning and become like animals moments after being infected. Time to test out those new running shoes!

Solution.

Don’t fall in love. Whenever the world is falling to pieces the worst thing you can do is meet someone and feel the need to protect them. Love will slow you down, make you pause to help someone that trips over air, and save their family members that are obviously going to die any moment. So turn your sex drive off until the planet isn’t losing its shit.

Takes all the White girls!

We already know the military is not going to help. They’re just gonna steal your women and get either rapey or Uncle Creepy on you. We also know that in movies when there is a threat that is Black it will be way harder to kill than everyone else. So if you see a Black, military monster you know good and goddamn well to run! He’s crazy but he isn’t stupid. The first thing he’s gonna do is go berserk on the assholes that kept him chained up and then he’ll go for you. Take advantage of this time and run like hell!

Click here for previous Dante Save You.