Kids These Days 15

Remember when we were little and kids would steal things like toys, candy, or baseball cards? Well, them’s the old days! Kids are now stealing condoms and candy at knife point! Three 13 year old jackasses were arrested for robbing a Walgreen’s in Wisconsin because when you’re 13 condoms are very important. You would’ve given me a condom when I was 13 that shit would’ve been dust by the time I got to use it. For real. Dust.

The manager saw these assholes stealing candy and when he went to confront them, which cops say to never do but as someone who worked retail and confronted thieves is fucking fun, and when he said something they threw a $15 box of condoms at him and brandished knives. $15?! Damn. Were they Louis Vuitton condoms?! Anyhoot, they screamed at him “Don’t you call the fucking police!” because that always works. The cops caught them and they all had steak knives. Here’s a composite sketch.

One of the boys said that he carried the knife for protection likely from other boys who steal candy and condoms while the other boy said he was “cutting food earlier and had forgotten he had left the blade in his pocket.” I know what that is like. I don’t know how many times I’ve made a bowl of cereal and was halfway to the bus stop before realizing I had the damned spoon in my hand.

They were each booked into a juvenile reception center on charges including theft, armed robbery, and carrying a concealed weapon. These kids are asshats. If you want a condom they are everywhere. You have to try not to get a condom. Seriously, I can cross the street and get a handful of condoms for free. Which would be a total waste of condoms. Don’t they give them away for free at school?

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