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Haven't done anything on this page in a while. I have a lot of blogs. This is my oldest and I wanna start posting stuff again. I work at a high school watching kids wear what was in style when I was in school myself except there was far less funk and perfume. I was talking to my lady about 1-900 numbers and how they existed when I was growing up. One day my parents confronted me and my older brother (three years older than me) about a bunch of phone calls that were made to Woody Woodpecker. Yeah. The cartoon bird. Back in the 80's they used to play these commercials where you could call Woody, KITT from Knight Rider, Santa Claus, and so forth. I am sure it is just someone imitating these characters but people would shell out money to talk to them. And kids. But not me. I wanted to. I got my ass beat and I didn't even get to talk to Woody! I would say about 75% of the times I got my ass beat as a child was because of something someone else did. My brother later admitted that he was the one that made the calls. This wasn't once or twice. It was a stack of paper receipts showing how many times he had called. I'm still mad about this and none of the people involved in that tale are even alive.

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I don't know if you have heard me bitch about how difficult it is to find a good consistent barber being Black and living in West Hollywood. If I had a long beard and wanted that Macklemore haircut my ass would be in heaven. There are like eight of them places within five minutes walking distance and I'm not trying to walk into one of them and have the scene from Blazing Saddles when the new sheriff arrives play out in real life. So today I was looking on the internet and came across someone getting their hair done in a way that should be illegal. Probably isn't...but it should be. This dude was using fire. Like for real ass fire! My biggest concern use to be dirty clippers. Now its flames. See, when I get my hair cut I close my eyes and start singing A Secret Place. But now I'm gonna be listening for the sound of a can being shook and butane being lit on fire! 

How do you even learn to do this? Its not like one guy does this either. Turns out there are a bunch of fools out here cutting folks hair using fire and even more getting it done. How does one even practice this? Not on themselves for sure. Its been millions of years and our asses have not managed to tame fire. Fire hurts us all the damn time yet people are going “I need a haircut and this seems legit.” No. Don't get your hair done with fucking fire you freaks. If you are over 30 and doing this you need to get your shit together. If you are below 30 and doing this you need to go to the other room and talk to your parents and ask them what they did wrong. I love how fire became the thing. We went from ice buckets to fucking flames. Stop that.

Click here for previous Kids These Days.

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I was talking to H. this morning and we got on the topic of Lunchables. When I did an image search there appeared all manner of Lunchables that I didn't know existed. Here is a short history of them. “Lunchables was designed in 1985 by Bob Drane, Tom Bailey, Jeff James, and Deborah Giarusso as a way for Oscar Mayer to sell more bologna and other lunch meat. After organizing focus groups of American mothers Drane discovered that their primary concern was time. Working mothers especially were pressed by the time constraints of fixing breakfast for their families as well as packing something for their children to eat at school. This gave Drane the idea of creating a convenient prepackaged lunch featuring Oscar Mayer's trademark red meat. Crackers were substituted for bread because they could last longer in grocery coolers. The cheese was provided by Kraft when Oscar Mayer merged with Kraft in 1988. The design of the package was based on the look of an American TV dinner.”

So they wanted to sale more meat and decided to give kids high blood pressure. When you read the nutritional facts on these things you see that you get almost the daily recommended amount of salts and sugars from one serving of these. Granted, back then people didn't know as much or care as much about health. I think folks were still getting used to the fact that kids were living past years old and the bigger they got the more you had to feed 'em. So while these were created in 1985 they didn't go international until 1989. So I was 10 years old and ready to get my meat, cheese, and crackers on! That is the perfect age to start shaping kids for good or bad. When you are that age you don't consider yourself a kid but know full and damn well you aren't a teen so every decision you make seems important. 

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If the Sad Hulk song had a visual image this would be it. When I first heard about this I didn't feel bad for this kid Teddy Mazzini because they invited a bunch of kids from his school to his 6th birthday party and no one showed up. I'm damn near 40 and have had only two in my life. I felt bad for him because one of his parents was pretty shitty for taking this picture and posting it online. I get it. People like to overshare their kids lives online. A lot of times its shit that does not need to be documented in photo form but it is, like the shame of having a party and no one showing up. This is the kinda stuff that people can end up in therapy over. Seriously. In the next twenty years there are gonna be a metric shit ton of folks in their early 20's in therapy because their parents posted some stuff of or about them online that comes back to haunt them let alone the stuff they post themselves that'll keep them from being employed because for some reason kids think its cute to be racist online. They say that the Internet never forgets. It does. Then it remembers again. Just ask James Gunn.

His dad said “I was bummed, I was bummed out for sure. Teddy, the biggest thing for him was having his classmates there, so not seeing them show up an hour into the party was disappointing. He's 6, so he was distracted by the arcade games, the pizza, he got over it quick. He's tough. But when Sil (the mother) told me she was posting the photo, I told her not to do it, but she did and it took off. It's pretty wild.” Teddy's mother said “I was kind of shocked and then at the end when I had to pay for it, I was upset” regarding the $130 bill for the pizza. “That's why I wrote a message. But I never expected any of this, for this to go so viral.” Ah. So she skipped right past petty which would have been emails to every individual family she invited to messy by making it public. That is the difference between the two by the way. Messy is public. Petty is intimate.

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I was talking to Cam a few days ago about things that were around when we were little and I thought of the vacuum. Yeah, they still make them these days but not the way they did when I was little. Probably because hundreds of children were devoured by them. My Grandmama had one that had to weigh about 40 pounds and had a spotlight on the front because...reasons. Maybe for vacuuming in the dark or under couches in which case your couch is too damned high if this could fit underneath it. If the weight was not enough you had to worry about all the different components. I also need to point out that it sounded like the apocalypse when it was on. 

Today if the vacuum is full you just take out the convenient compartment and dump it out. Groovy. Back in the day you had to throw out a bag, eat some of the dust whether you wanted to or not, and put on another bag. Simple. But not at all. After attaching the bag you would have to secure it with a black band (which after working in a porn shop realized looked exactly like cock rings) and hope you did it right. There was also a belt that made the brush turn. It was a whole thing that was not fun and I'd wait until someone else changed the bag because I liked cleaning but hated set up.

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Sometimes there are stories that I find out about and it just makes me want to interview the perpetrator or the parents of them and just ask “How come? What can I do to make sure none of my friends kids turn out like you?” I also think there are some crimes where instead of jail I suggest an island where they are given backpacks with various weapons and they fight for survival. A “battle royale” if you will. Either way, this 17 year old girl Lestina Marie Smith is a great candidate for my island idea. She is charged with raping a man. You hear that? It was the sound of thousands of men and women rolling their eyes. Yes, it makes a sound.

So Lestina—by the way. Watch what the hell you name your kids. Anyhoot, Lestina, from Michigan, raped a guy 19 year old guy at knife point. At knife point she made him give her oral sex and regular sex. She has been charged with two first degree felony criminal sexual assault charges. If she is convicted, which she should be, she can get life in prison. Even if she gets off on one charge she can still do life. Of course ignorant ass people are questioning whether or not a man can be raped. Let me just grab some random comments from people on Facebook and the dumb shit they are saying.

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There is a new Assembly Bill 2536 that would give schools the right and ability to suspend and expel kids for sexting. Outside of school it is okay but not when at school or some kind of school event. The bill mentions pictures or audio being sent to students, staff, or used for bullying purposes. Assemblyman Ed Chau brought up the bill which about 20 other states already have at least in regard to anti-sexting.

In this new bill they want schools to start talking about sexting in health classes and even the legal issues you'll face for doing it. Some people are saying that stopping students from sexting would be infringing on their civil liberties. Read that again. They are worried that stopping kids from sending sexual texts and nasty shit to each other would be infringing on their civil liberties. I didn't even know you had those as a kid. Being a teenager to me was like some sort of prison work release program. By the way, you know what would've happened to me if if I got kicked out of school for sexting?

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Kids are terrible. Take for instance this 11 year old that went bonkers on his grandmother in Ohio when she refused to get him a gift. Specifically he punched her in the nose. So while shopping for a gift apparently granny told a kid no and because kids don't know what that word means anymore he went off and wailed her in the face. His grandma was 60 year old Barbara Weeks. Sorry. Is 60 year old Barbara Weeks. The kid didn't hit her hard enough to, like, end her life or anything.

A witness called the cops as granny got away from the kid as he tried to hit her again. The kid was arrested, name not given because fuck warning the rest of society, and her was taken to a juvenile detention center. There is no report on what the gift was he couldn't get but I'll take a guess that it was an expensive ass video game. That's all kids want nowadays because sunlight and that whole sweating thing hurts them.

Rosscast Episode 294: Bad At Sexy

In this episode I talk about my place being remodeled, strange old Asian men trying to give me fake checks, birds being tossed at cops, Kids These Days with a well armed child, and I attempt to make some very gross news sound sexy and fail miserably at it. Click here for this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

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Oh, kids are like bubblegum and crackers. Its a bad idea but people keep on doing it. One thing about kids these days is that they love technology. You take any form of a computer away from them and they will lose their shit. Take for instance this South Carolina 5' 2”, 125 pound 9 year old kid that flipped his top when a teacher took his iPad away during class.

Police showed up when after having his iPad taken this kid started stomping on his teachers foot. For some reason articles are posting that she is 26 years old. Damn. Teachers are young nowadays. She took his enraged ass into the hallway where he continued his Kirk Franklin impersonation. It took two teachers to restrain him until the police arrived. The teacher was left with a swollen foot and bruises. Two other kids were acting nuts but were able to be calmed. The stomper was not arrested and was released to his mom for her to deal with that bullshit.

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I know that the girl in this story is 22 but I am in my 30's so fuck it she's a kid to me. One day I'll be 50 and writing about how stupid 30-something's are. Samantha Goudie was arrested for trying to get on the field during a University of Iowa football game. After being arrested she of course went to her now deleted Twitter account where she posted under the name, @Vodka_samm, and was rather jubilant about her arrest. Oh, her blood alcohol level was .341 which was four times the legal limit.

“Just went to jail #yolo”

“I'm going to get .341 tattooed on me because its so epic,”

“Girl waiting for court with me goes 'I wish I knew the girl who blew a .341' I said hi.”

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We’ve all heard of ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, but what exactly is it? How can you tell the difference between an actual disorder or the fact that you just haven’t raised your kids properly and now they are assholes that don’t know how to act in public? We’ve seen kids act a fool in stores and wondered why their parents didn’t give them five across the eye or said to ourselves “That kid is gonna get their ass whipped when they get home!” 

The FDA has just approved a medical scan that can help tell if kids have ADHD and I can already smell the smoke from so many hands rubbing together so hard they burst into flames form the medical community. Oh, all the money’s will be made! A NEBA system will help confirm if a kid from age 6 to 17 has ADHD. I can only imagine what would’ve happened if they hooked this shit up to my head when I was a kid.

How would I describe myself as a kid? A very smart kid that did a lot of dumb shit because fuck it no one is watching. This machine will read brainwaves and then parents can finally breathe a sigh of relief knowing that it wasn’t the fact that they left their kid locked in the car when it was 109 outside and when they returned their kid was talking different. Did Dante always blink twice with his left eye? Doesn’t matter. NEBA says he got the ADHD. 

"My kids are making me racist!"

Studies say that 3 to 7 percent of kids have ADHD which would make you think it would combat the fact that so many kids are so goddamn fat. Cant be fat and always moving around, right? Here is a list of just some of the symptoms from the different versions of ADHD and where I fit in as a child. 

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SH sent me this story earlier today and I sighed so loudly that I'm sure it sounded like Bigfoot was climaxing. A mother up in Canada named Anne Belanger was upset that her son, Miles, with spinal muscular dystrophy was seated away from the rest of his class when they took their second grade photo.

His mother is quoted as saying "Look at the angle that he was in. He wants to be part of the gang so much." Now, this is something that cant be helped. He's in a wheelchair. Not a normal ass one where folks can breakdance in if they are inclined to do so. But one of those giant motorized ones that crush feet.

Rosscast Episode 282: Sit Yo Pregnant Ass Down

In this episode I do an Only In Florida with a fight between an old lady and a pregnant woman, Kids These Days featuring spoiled ass kids on a plane, Shit Just Got Real with a kid stopping an intruder with a gun, and Listener Questions about my fridge and whether I would have sex with a woman having her breasts removed. Click here to download this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

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Seriously. What’s going on with the world? There are a bunch of videos with kids stabbing themselves in the hand while singing The Knife Song which was created by this dude named Rusty Cage which also happens to be one of Soundgarden’s best songs. Now, when I was little in the film Aliens the android (spoiler alert from the past!) Bishop plays a “game” where he held someone’s hand down and jabbed a damned knife in between the fingers, picking up speed like a psycho. I have to admit it looked cool and we all tried it.

Here are the lyrics to the game.

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When I watch commercials or read articles about Kids These Days all I can do is think of how jacked up our future is gonna be. These children don’t know shit. I’m sorry, not your kid. You kid is the next savior of humanity. Nothing can stop them! it’s the other kids we need to worry about. These paste eating weirdos that permeate our culture are gonna be at child bearing age soon and something needs to be done about it, Children Of Men style. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.

In my first few KTD blogs I would point out sit that kids wont get nowadays. It turned into me berating them like a, well, dumb kid. I have decided to go old school for this one with some more shit that wont make sense to kids unless a new singer that was born after 1995 mentions it in a song and it becomes cool again.

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Allow me to introduce you to Lil Poopy. No, this isn’t a post about scat films. Lil Poopy is a 9 year old rapper from Brockton, Massachusetts and reps Coke Boys. Well, that’s depending on who you ask. Some guy named French Montana is saying that Poopy is not with the crew after the Department of Children of Families is investigating his dad for child endangerment and such. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard this child’s music but its…bad. It sounds like a kid rapping and for whatever reason I hate the sound of kids rapping. Its about the dumb shit adults rap about but with a kid saying it.

Nothing inappropriate going on here. Carry on.

I’ve watched a video and checked out some songs of this kid and they are ass. Literally. There are a lot of big asses in his video. One video that was taken down shows him in a strip club because fuck good parenting. In the video I saw he’s in the car with a girl old/young enough to be his mother. Why even play up that sexuality with a child? What could a 9 year old do with a big Black woman’s ass besides weep knowing that his body cant produce the best feeling about sex? No, not love. Let’s be serious here.

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Enough is enough! There is this story in the new about a 6 year old boy whose family has filed a complaint against the school saying that they are violating his civil rights to come to school dressed as a girl and using the restrooms. Now, I am all for letting people have the right to live as a man, woman, or something in between. But not a child. Nope. Not for one second would I let my daughter have to worry about a boy dressed as a girl use the restroom with them no matter how much he loves being a girl.

The boy, Coy Mathis, parents who need to be punched in their mouths, says that Coy “was labeled male at birth, but has always known that she is a girl, and has expressed that since she was 18 months old.” Seriously? At 18 months old this kid knew that he had retired from the penis having business? You know what I was doing at 18 months? Being something above an infant but below a toddler! Plus, as we all know kids don't have rights. I mean, they do, but not like real people rights. 

Parents Failing Hard

I know that I rag a lot on the young ones in my Kids These Days blogs. But its about time for the parents to take some responsibility for these crazy ass youths. Most times the reasons these children are about as useful as a cockring in a female prison is because some adult decided to give birth to something that will grow up doing nothing but steal my oxygen. This is the first that will likely be many of bad parenting posts called Parents Failing Hard.

In Florida of course a mother named Nedra Byrd, 31, decided to let her 10 year old son get shitfaced drunk on brandy. He was found walking around butt ass naked in the streets when a neighbor spotted him and called the cops. They say the boy was so heffed up on the hooch that he didn’t know he was naked. That’s an experience he shouldn’t have for at least eight more years.

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Remember when we were little and kids would steal things like toys, candy, or baseball cards? Well, them’s the old days! Kids are now stealing condoms and candy at knife point! Three 13 year old jackasses were arrested for robbing a Walgreen’s in Wisconsin because when you’re 13 condoms are very important. You would’ve given me a condom when I was 13 that shit would’ve been dust by the time I got to use it. For real. Dust.

The manager saw these assholes stealing candy and when he went to confront them, which cops say to never do but as someone who worked retail and confronted thieves is fucking fun, and when he said something they threw a $15 box of condoms at him and brandished knives. $15?! Damn. Were they Louis Vuitton condoms?! Anyhoot, they screamed at him “Don’t you call the fucking police!” because that always works. The cops caught them and they all had steak knives. Here’s a composite sketch.