Sunday, April 14, 2013

Dante Vs. Nature 25

We all know that cartoons lie to us. Skunks aren’t French serial sexual assaulters, pigs don’t stutter, and if you put a wig and lipstick on a rabbit the only thing that will happen are protests, not a boner. There are some animals from classic Warner Bros. cartoons that shocked me when I saw what their real counterparts looked like. Here are just three of the most surprising ones for me.

Tasmanian Devil


“It is characterized by its stocky and muscular build, black fur, pungent odor, extremely loud and disturbing screech, keen sense of smell, and ferocity when feeding. The Tasmanian devil's large head and neck allow it to generate amongst the strongest bite per unit body mass of any extant mammal land predator, and it hunts prey and scavenges carrion as well as eating household products if humans are living nearby. Although it usually is solitary, it sometimes eats with other devils and defecates in a communal location. Despite its rotund appearance, the devil is capable of surprising speed and endurance, and can climb trees and swim across rivers.”

Taz


In the cartoon Taz was a lunatic animal that ate everything that was put in front of him…just like the real thing. This is the closest in behavior to the real creature minus the defecting and climbing trees part. I think. Maybe they never showed those episodes. Taz was the most dangerous Looney Tune.

And a human suplex machine.

When I first saw a real Tasmanian Devil I was freaked out. No, it wasn’t in real life don’t be ridiculous. The real ones make this scary ass sound when they eat and thankfully don’t walk on two legs because seriously that shit would be scary and so not fair to the rest of the world.

Coyote


“Though coyotes have been observed to travel in large groups, they primarily hunt in pairs. Coyote packs are generally smaller than wolf packs, and associations between individuals are less stable, thus making their social behavior more in line with that of the dingo. In theory, this is due to an earlier expression of aggression, and the fact that coyotes reach their full growth in their first year, unlike wolves, which reach it in their second. Coyotes are primarily nocturnal, but can often be seen during daylight hours. They were once essentially diurnal, but have adapted to more nocturnal behavior with pressure from humans.”

Wile E. Coyote


The real thing is so lame when compared to the cartoon. The real animal is all scraggly looking and doesn’t even order items from ACME. I actually wrote a paper about Wile E. Coyote (Genius) in high school. We had a report that we had to do in English about someone we admired. People were lying and putting their parents or historical figures like weirdos and I put this guy because he has a can do attitude and never gives up.

Roadrunner


“Roadrunners generally range in size from 18 inches to 22 inches from tail to beak. Their average weight is about eight to fifteen ounces. The roadrunner is a large, slender, black-brown and white streaked ground bird with a distinctive head crest. It has long legs, strong feet, and an oversized dark bill. The lesser roadrunner is slightly smaller, not as streaky, and has a smaller bill. The roadrunner is terrestrial; although capable of flight, it spends most of its time on the ground. Roadrunners can run at speeds of up to 20 miles per hour and generally prefer sprinting to flying. Roadrunners will fly to escape predators.”

The Roadrunner


Really? 20 miles per hour? That’s it? And look at how small the real thing is! I swear I thought these things were like six feet tall in real life. I imagined an ostrich that could run really fast. So when I saw this tiny ass thing that couldn’t carry a thought let alone a human I was past disappointed. This made me wonder why Wile E. wanted to catch this damned thing so bad. He couldn’t even consider this a snack let alone something worth falling off of cliffs for. In the cartoons this bird was a dick. He would mock and eat a ton of free bird seed, stick his tongue out, and book it. Little jerk. There is a chart that shows why Wile E. wants to eat him but still I don’t think its worth the trouble.

Okay, maybe he is.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

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