Five Things I Learned I Rarely Answer

I have prided myself on being able to answer almost any question someone asks me honestly. Of course there are just some things you don't need to know about me if we've just met or if you're just a nosy ass mofo. But in the few relationships and the friendships I've had there have been questions where I either didn't want to answer or know that there was no correct answer to.

I came up with these Five Things I Learned I Rarely Answer based on my own personal experience with people I know that consists mostly of lady folk. Some of them will seem really obvious and some will seem harmless to you but in the long run can create even more questions I won't wanna answer. I have enlisted the help of Bugs Bunny for this.

1. Do You Think About Me When You Masturbate?

For the love of god never ask me or any guy this question. The ones that usually ask are women I'm not having sex with or probably never will. Teases asks this question usually. A woman that knows you're into them and just want you to say out loud that you are indeed slapping the ham to images of them. Its rude to ask this and quite honestly you will never get a 100% honest response from me and if guys are smart from them either. Why? Because we are sick, depraved, disgusting, sexually frustrated creatures with a thing attached to our bodies that craves sex almost constantly!

I was talking to someone recently about how I haven't had sex since Obama's first term and they asked how I didn't have blue balls. Look. I hang out and talk to almost nothing but hot chicks. I treat it like Bruce Banner aka The Hulk. You know how he stays angry all the time? I stay horny constantly so that its a neutral setting. I cant walk around looking at every girl I know like that. I mean, I tend to but I really shouldn't. Hey, I'm trying to be a better person! And really you do not want to know what I think about. The shit you hear and see from me is just what escapes.

2. Would You Fight For Me?

I’ve had a couple of ex girlfriends ask this and the thing is that it comes with an addendum. I’m not gonna just go out willy-nilly taking swings on people just because I am dating someone. I’ve seen plenty of times where a girl is doing everything she humanly can to get her man’s ass kicked by one or many guys. Youtube is a documentary on guys getting pummeled for honor. Your girlfriend left a house wearing a dress that hides nothing but her pride. A guy grabs her ass. He doesn’t even want to. He’s compelled to. Now she’s mad and wants you to beat the guy up. What is he supposed to do?

Depends on the guys mood. If I was the type of guy that liked my women dressing like that then I would leave the house expecting to get into a brawl with some drunken assholes. But if I showed up and she was wearing an outfit like that then I’d make the executive decision to stay at home. Now if some dude was just fucking with my lady or friends then by all means I’m willing to go H.A.M. But not just to prove a point. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

3. How Many Girls Have You Slept With?

I mentioned this one in my Five Things I Learned Not To Ask A Woman. Besides the fact that my number is pathetically low, its none of your beeswax. Either we’re gonna bump uglies or we’re not and there is no number that I can give that will make someone feel comfortable. “Oh, he’s only fucked 20 women. That’s good because if he had said 21 I was gonna put my draws back on and leave!” Its not that high by the way. You think if it was that I’d be here writing this nonsense? Hell, no! I’d be getting some stank on my hang low! How is it possible that a man that says such sexy things is single? Honestly.

4. How Do You Feel About Religion/Politics?

Ugh. For those that don’t know the history of me and religion, I grew up not going to church that often. I found it boring and had more questions than answers. Then I realized that if God did exist that he was a mean dick. If we were his kids and behaved the way we do CPS would’ve been called hundreds of years ago. Slavery would’ve lasted a weekend. “Remember that day we took all them people from Africa, whipped, raped, and beat them? That was crazy, right?!” I went to church often with one of my ex’s until that went south faster than a guy with no teeth in prison.

Politics suck. There’s no ways around it. We pick people to represent what we think we want, they fuck it up, and we get upset all over again. Its stupid, doesn’t work, and should be removed. We need to start from scratch. I’ll debate any issue with you as long as you know your shit but what I wont do is ever get into a shouting match about it. That’s ridiculous. You know what we should be shouting about? Dumb kids, assault weapons, and folks being out of work. And old people. They just refuse to go away.

5. Are You Sure?

Not everyone knows that being asked this bothers me so I always have to stop for a moment and process it. You all don't know that when you ask me a question that all the different scenarios have played out in my head before I say yes or no to something. Even my snap decisions aren't really snap decisions. A lot of though in a small amount of time takes place leading to me doing or not doing something. There's no need to ask me if I am sure about anything I agree to. Sometimes just to be spicy I will change my mind after being asked if I'm sure. So if we're talking or hanging out, try not to ask me this. I will squint at you.

Click here for previous Five Things I Learned.