Five Things I Learned Not To Ask A Woman

We as men get curious. When we like a girl or date them there are certain questions that we ask that we really shouldn’t. Every one of these were asked by me at some point with regretful consequences. Looking back I wonder why in the hell I asked them. I didn’t need to know the answer. Better yet, I wish I had never asked as soon as the words left my lips. Not everything needs to be known!

This is a list of five things I learned to never ask a woman with the help of Taylor Swift aka Taydolf Switler. If you’re dating a girl and feel like asking any of these questions stop, re-read this, and figure out what you’re gonna have for dinner. There is nothing like laying in bed next to someone and just before they kiss you goodnight imagining 37 dicks in her mouth. For anyone thinking “Dante, you need to grow up!” allow me to introduce myself since we must’ve just met this moment.

1. How Many Guys Have You Slept With? 

I once asked an ex how many guys she had slept with. She started to say “F--” and I cut her off. It could’ve been fifteen, forty, or fifty. Either way I would’ve been horrified and hesitant to go near her vajayjay afterwards. Oh, be quiet! I have a very vivid imagination so whatever you say to me gets pictured immediately. I’d imagine a mandingo party train being run on the woman I am sleeping with. The thing is that there’s no right answer to this.

Depending on the guy if the number is low he’ll think she is bad in bed. In my experience the chicks that had the least amount of wang were the best at what they did. There was no residual “My old boyfriend liked when I did this…” nonsense going on. Just because you’ve done something a lot of times doesn’t mean you’re good at it. I’ve walked for over 30 years but still trip. Keep this question to yourself.

2. Are You On The Rag? 

You have to be close to out of your goddamn mind to have this question get past your teeth. It should stop in your throat and make you cough. When she asks what’s wrong your response should be “I almost ruined the night.” Even if she is on her period you pointing out that she is acting differently because she is bleeding is a really good way to piss her off. Now, I did ask this only once because the chick would act like a different human when she was on it but at the time she wasn’t. She was just being an asshole.

Besides making your only source of sex mad you’re ruining your chances of getting your wang mouthasized. Science has proven that women are far more likely to give you some mouth love when they’re on their period. Huh? What science? Uh…the Scientific Center For…Science &…Learning…Sex…Stuff. Just don’t ask this fucking question!

3. What’s The Biggest Dick You’ve Had? 

Oh, sweet lord in heaven! I asked this question and I think 15% of my brain decided to rot instantly. What was worse than asking was that she answered. The length didn’t bother me because, well, I’m me. But the girth? The girth! I was surprised that she could even feel me inside of her. It was scary wide and made me feel like a chopstick and this dude I’d never met was a fucking tennis racket. She started to say how it felt and I head butt her. No, I pulled a Shia Lebouf shouting “Nonononononononono!!!” 

4. What Is Your Perfect Man? 

Not you. This is the fastest answer you can give yourself. People rarely end up with the perfect person on their first, second, or even fifth try. I have made this mistake countless times. I have never been the perfect man for any woman I have dated. Matter of fact, I’ve been the complete opposite or the first Black dude they’ve been with. When I hear “Green eyes, nice hair, great job, light skin, loves his parents, in shape…” my eyes start to cross and I start counting down the days till I’m single again.

I’m fully aware of what I look like and there’s nothing like making someone state it. 6 foot 1, 216 pounds, dark, with brown eyes is no one’s perfect man. Except for these weird old White men that check me out on my street.

5. Why Don’t You Swallow? 

Don’t. Ever. Ask. This. The fastest way for a woman not to do this is to ask this. If she doesn’t do it or says beforehand that she won’t just respond in kind. Don’t go down on her or when she is about to come start using the tip of your finger instead of your mouth. And if she does do it just smile. You’re with marriage material. Seriously. A woman that does this is worth keeping.

Adam Carolla once mentioned that the guy that first asked this question ruined it for every other man. I don’t care if a chick swallows. Just…hold it. A chick can come all night and not have to get up and clean for a while. A guy cant just lie there unless he is a filthy ass pig. Next time ask her if she’ll hold it for you. Have a towel nearby. Thank her. Be nice and she might do it again. But if you just angrily ask her why she doesn’t swallow she might tell you some nasty ass story as to why she doesn’t. Good luck getting your dick up after hearing how it came out her ear after that guy with the beer can dick came in her mouth.

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