Parents Failing Hard 5

We're alive. I know. Shocking, isn't it? As a child raised in the 80's in a world where for a quarter we could buy gun powder wrapped in paper and toss them at each other, toys where the second ingredient was lead, and train tracks were the third highest killer of children we managed to make it this far...and then fuck it all up for these beasts that we call children today. And you know what's to blame? No, not technology. At least not specifically. Its digital cameras.

Back when I was little you had these things called Polaroids. You take a terrible picture, shake it, and then save it as a treasured memory because you only had about ten per pack. Now with digital cameras parents are free to take as many pictures of their beloved child as they want. Or they can hand the camera to them as they pose in sexually suggestive positions. Sounds terrible, right?! Well buckle up your seat belt, Mary, because this shit is only gonna get worse from here.

What You See

A young mother wearing a thong (or bunched up draws because Victoria's Secret still refuses to take EBT) in her bedroom taking a picture to send to her man who is probably in Afghanistan fighting for our country or her man in jail. Bless her heart.

What Dante Sees

A chick with a ten year old boys ass in a filthy ass room with her kid taking the picture. Oh, you don't see the kid? Keep looking. No, its not buried underneath the pile of shit on her floor. Seriously, you couldn't have taken ten seconds to kick that shit to the side for the picture? Maybe she couldn't because Jerry Springer was gonna be on at any minute. There is nothing sexy about this picture. Hopefully this kid never finds out that its in this picture with a mother that likely uses a spittoon.

What You See

A child eating frosting or cake mix from a blender. Its so cute! Man, I remember when I was little me and my cousin would fight over who got to eat the last of the cake batter after my Grandmama made a delicious chocolate cake. Ah, good times...

What Dante Sees

The current version of Maggie because once that thing goes off we'll all be introduced to the new version. The new Maggie eats through straws, wears bibs at the age of 32, and used to be able to say words with S's in them without showering people with her last meal. What asshole decided to take this picture instead of yanking this kid away from certain mutilation?!

What You See

A kinda cute Black chick in the bedroom with a massive ass taking a picture for (use everything I wrote with the dirty room chick but remove the fighting in a war part because I'm racist against my own kind sometimes). Random rap posters on the wall because fuck paintings.

What Dante Sees

A perfect example of what I mean when I say some chicks look better with clothes on. Her ass and legs look like Edward James Olmos' cheeks. And this picture is probably the reason she ended up with that poor child in the crib. Oh, you didn't see it? There she is! Like that colorful sprite that you had to find in old She-Ra cartoons. She is just sitting in her crib wondering what it is like to have a mama with class. Keep your babies out the goddamn picture! All's she had to do was step a couple feet to the right and this wouldn't be on this blog because I have no reason to post an image of a chick with an ass that looks like the surface of the moon.

What You See

A young Black chick (goddamn it, again?!) posing in a leather corset with sexy stockings. Maybe its for an ad for her new escort service. Maybe its to please her man who is busy running the streets...in a war. Maybe she wants to show off her new tattoos.

What Dante Sees

I see a little girl taking a picture of mommy who is dressed like a crime fighter or hooker. A crime fighting hooker. Hmm. I need to create that character. Why have the kid take the picture? I'm pretty sure that most cameras have timers that you can set. My camera is from before Obama's first term and it has a timer. Let that girl go play with Barbie dolls, you trollop!

What You See

A woman sucking a dick on top of a cake.

What Dante Sees

A woman sucking a dick on top of a cake...and teaching her child racism. Look at how she passed up the Black dick! Yeah, I notice things like that. Black dick get no love?! You suck that Black dick, woman! Oh, lord. I think I just earned my Fast Pass to hell. So why would this picture get taken in front of this kid? There are moments in your childhood where you cant go back. One of mine was when I found my uncle's Penthouse or whatever raunchy ass magazines he had. They weren't Playboy's because that magazine don't show erect cocks or man gravy. This one did! I couldn't un-see that. This kid saw her mom, aunt, granny (?!) sucking cake dick. And now you have. Welcome...to Dantania!

Click here for previous Parents Failing Hard.