Thursday, May 26, 2016

Kids These Days 66

My cousin had told me this story about a 15 year old girl at a Florida school, South Fort Myers High School, and how she had slept with 25 boys in the school bathroom. My response was that I knew girls like that in junior high and I was always told of these sordid tales after it happened and thus stayed un-laid in school. It was reported that a lot of football players from the school had been recorded on the school security system going into the bathroom. As one student put it “A bunch of football players went into a room with a girl and had sex with her, and a bunch of the football players were suspended. So we might not have a football team this year.” Priorities, right? This all occurred after school was done yet many are questioning why there was not any school officials present. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

While You Were Sleeping: Symone Marshall Arrest And Death

I heard about this story last week and have been waiting for more details to emerge before writing about it. That is what I do sometimes. I pretend that I am an actual writer and wait for results and more information before slapping on a social justice warrior hat and protesting wrong doings. This is about a 22 year old mother that died while in police custody. She happens to be Black which made people immediately think of Sandra Bland before getting any more details about it. “Don't need details. They're both Black!” I need details. I'm that guy which is why my hair used to fall out from stress. There is always more in my way of thinking.

Symone Marshall moved to Texas from Detroit a few months ago. She and a friend, Amanda Arnold, got into an accident saying they were run off the road causing their car to flip three times. Police arrived and they found cocaine in the vehicle and say that Marshall gave them a fake name. They both refused medical attention and showed no obvious signs of being injured. They were both arrested for the drug charge with Marshall having false identification added. Amanda was released the next day after posting bond but Marshall couldn't post the $5,000. Two weeks later she had a seizure in her cell. This is all on video unlike the Bland case. She was pronounced dead later at a hospital.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Dante Vs. Nature 61

Two lions at a zoo in Chile had to be killed because some assclown decided to jump into the lion pit with some and fuck with them. I am not a fan of nature and all the magical ways it can fuck with me so I try to stay away from it. This guy, 20 year old Franco Luis Ferrada, was allegedly suicidal (due to a possible note he left) and jumped into the lions enclosure. From there he started poking fun at the lions which are not fans of that kinda thing. Did I mention that he was butt booty ass naked? Yeah. He was. That is like taking me to a farm and the pigs are covered in bacon. The lions started attacking Franco because that and fucking is what lions do.

Zoo officials shot tranquilizer darts and ended up hitting dude in the neck. The also tried to wet the lions and that didn't work. Franco was being chewed up so they ended up having to shoot and kill the lions. The zoo director said Alejandra Montalva said “When a person's life is at risk, you have to sacrifice the animals. The shooter decided to save the life of the person and unfortunately we had to sacrifice two members of our family.” Nah. I say in this case or future ones, which there will be, you let the lions handle it. Franco is in critical condition and there are people upset at the zoo for killing the lions. I think it is stupid to make zoos. I think it is stupid to be set up to where idiots can climb into where lions are. Everyone is a loser except the dead lions that got to be natural for a few moments.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.  

Friday, May 20, 2016

Kids These Days 65

This shit is getting out of control. I know that everyone wants kids safe but we've now reached a point where safety has not only overwritten letting kids be kids, its gone past letting them even have fun. At Southeast Elementary in Brighton, Colorado and kindergartener was suspended for bringing a bubble gun to school. I somehow made it through multiple fights, being a nuisance, and arguing hitting a kid in the head with a metal canister without being suspended. But this kid now has that going for her because she brought a goddamn bubble gun to school! I doubt it was as fancy as the one I have pictured. 

In an interview the child's mother said “I apologized right away and said that I am so sorry she did that. I appreciate that they're trying to keep our kids safe, I really do. But there needs to be some common sense. It blows bubbles.” She said she didn't know that her daughter brought the toy to school. I remember a kid brought a snake to school unannounced. It was awesome. The school released a statement saying:

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Dante Bitches About 12 Things That All Women Hate About Guys

There is this bullshit article on Cosmo that I found because I am done writing my blogs for the day and felt like being bothered so I went there. There was one called 12 Things That All Women Hate About Guys and I am hoping it was written by a 16 year old girl whose longest relationship was three weeks and not a grown ass woman. Just checked the writers bio. She is a woman that is the sex and relationships editor on their site which explains so much.

I was going to write a 12 Things That All Men Hate About Chicks but that wouldn't make any sense. It would make less sense than what will follow this paragraph. I don't represent all men or even a small percentage of them. I am a freak. Not the bragging kind like “Oh, I am so different than any other man you have met” but more like a “Oh, god, I am so different than any other man you have met please help me because if you treat me like any other man you've met chances are this won't last long!” Ask me again why I'm single. Ask me!!!

Monday, May 16, 2016

Dennis Wright Arrested For Hit And Run Death

Drunk driving is something that I personally can't stand. I am sure that some of you reading this has done it in the past or may do it in the future. And you can go straight to hell for doing it. Some think its cute like “Oh, my god. I drove home so drunk one time. Thank god I wasn't pulled over!” A few weeks ago an MMA fighter named Jordan Parsons was struck and killed by someone as he crossed the street. There were no witnesses to this but the driver never slowed down after hitting him. He was in a hospital in critical condition before finally dying from his injuries. He was just 25 years old.

Recently the man responsible for the hit and run was found and arrested. He is 28 year old Dennis Wright of Boca Raton. He has had his license suspended multiple times and it was currently suspended when he struck and killed Parsons. He has been arrested for DUI, six suspensions, disorderly conduct, and marijuana possession, and failure to appear in court. In this current situation is he being charged with among other things leaving the scene of a crash and tampering with evidence. It is being reported that the Range Rover driven by Wright was being followed by a friend in a Mercedes which also did not stop traveling up to 120 mph.

While You Were Sleeping: Trinity Carr Charged With Homicide

A few weeks back I wrote about the 16 year old student, Amy Joyner-Francis (click here for that), that was beaten to death in a school bathroom at Howard High School of Technology in Delaware while it was watched and recorded by other students. Now three female students have been charged with her death. Trinity Carr, also 16 has been charged with criminally negligent homicide while Zion Snow and Chakeira Wright have been charged with third-degree criminal conspiracy.

The attorney general Matt Denn has said that he plans to have Trinity charged as an adult which I totally agree with. The Department of Justice stated “The individuals responsible for Amy Joyner-Francis's death are minors, but they must be held accountable for their actions. DOJ's goal in making a charging decision was to ensure that those persons responsible for Amy's death are held responsible to the maximum degree permissible by Delaware law.”

Amy's caused of death has been listed as “sudden cardiac death due to large atrial septal defect” which is a hole in the wall that separates the two chambers of the heart as well as saying that a factor that contributed was “physical and emotional stress due to physical assault.” It is being said that the actual assault did not kill her, but her preexisting heart condition did but that if she was not assaulted she would not have died. This is another reason why you don't go around attacking people.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Five Things I Learned Using OkCupid

Earlier this year I decided to go on OkCupid. You all know what that is. Its the dating site you use when you're too cheap to pay for and don't want to just fuck random people using Tinder or one of those hundred other fuck apps that are out there. I tried it after striking out in the love department. I started writing out my profile and answering hundreds of questions and came to the conclusion that online dating is so not for me. If you saw the women that they thought matched well with me based on percentages you'd laugh in my stupid, single face.

In this Five Things I Learned Using OkCupid I'll talk about what I...learned. I guess. I pretty much learned things like I am extremely judgmental quickly based on photos and that the internet thinks that women with nose piercings surrounded by cats are exactly what I want in my life. I also forget I have an account until I check my spam and get a laugh out of the whole thing or see how strange of a profile picture I can make and still have people visit me.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 5

In this episode Jasmine joins me once again. We talk Star Wars, censorship as a child, my desire for an albino child with a tail and Jasmine tries to talk me out of it, Dante's story of meeting a lobster handed man while selling porn, Jasmine loses her mind, funny sex toys, Usher's dick pic, celebrity sex tapes, 50 Cent making fun of an autistic guy, Prince's deadbeat family, how to dispose of my body when I die, and leaving a will especially if Dante is your kid. Click here for this and previous episodes.

Friday, April 29, 2016

Fives Things I Learned Aren't Worth It For Me

There are a lot of things in life that people will say are worth fighting for. Family, freedom, wealth, and happiness. But sometimes those things don't exactly line up with your version of happy and the next thing you know people are looking at you as if you're a strange ass weirdo because you don't have the same values as them. In this Fives Things I Learned Aren't Worth It For Me I'll talk about the ones that I think of the most in my own life because this is my own blog. And you can be happy you are not me.

Being In Amazing Shape

At multiple points in my life I had wanted to be in amazing shape. What I mean by this is having a body that looked like something you'd see at the beach and not want a seagull to fly away with it because it was scaring the children. I have been super skinny, fat, in between, and what I currently am (at 201 pounds) not fat but not in shape enough to scare someone if we got into a fight with my dangerous muscles. And I no longer want to be.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 4

In this episode I am joined by my cousin Jasmine. We discuss Prince dying, Billy Paul's death being ignored, my version of Prince's history with women, Prince death conspiracies, Jasmine breaks down the science of flu season, abortion doctors being shady, a discussion about raising kids with special needs that I take right off the rails and not wanting a “pop top kid”, wanting to be pumped full of adrenaline, and Nick Cannon's confused dick. It'll make sense after you listen. Click here for this and previous Just Talking With Dante.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Trying To Date The Kardashian's

The Kardashian women as well as the Jenners are...something else. I was talking to my cousin recently about which one of them I would have the best chance of dating or which one I'd even want to. I'd never put much thought or consideration into all of them but thought it'd be fun to break down each of them and look at what possible chances I'd have dating one of them if this was a reality where I thought doing such a thing would be a good idea.

Which I don't.

I'll be listing their ages, reported heights, previous relationships (according to the internet), best and worst qualities that I am aware of, and the percentage I'd have of dating them. As of now its zero. Is there a number that is less than zero? Banana. I have banana chances of actually dating one of them. If reading this upsets you chances are you need more hobbies and/or things to be angry about other than my random nonsense.

Friday, April 22, 2016

While You Were Sleeping: Student Beaten To Death In School

There is this story that I was made aware of because of the hashtag #RIPAmy. A 16 year old student from Delaware named Amy Inita Joyner-Francis died after being jumped in a school bathroom yesterday morning at Howard High University. It is being reported by media that her friends say that people stood around watching as she was attacked and recorded it on their phones instead of helping her. The ridiculousness of that statement is something I'll get around to discussing in a little bit. 

Wilmington mayor Denis Williams said at a press conference “I'm so upset that the young lady lost her life today. Things like this shouldn't happen. My heart bleeds for the family, the kids that go to this school, administrators and our city.” Amy was pronounced dead on the way to the hospital.

Police have begun interviewing students and possible suspects. One witness said “She was fighting a girl, and then that's when all these other girls started banking her, like jumping her, and she hit her head on the sink.” It is also said that a full time police officer is stationed at this school. So far this story is surprising to many because it consisted of nothing but girls, no one stepped in to help, and a police officer was on location when this murder took place.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Johnny Panic: The Long Hard Chat

Click here for Check Your Privilege which leads to this.

I'll be damned if I'm gonna get my ass chewed out by a woman wearing primary colors. Ronica warned me that this chick might try this technique. Zazz, being such a huge fan of Aphrodite Malone whose name they made me say a hundred times to memorize, assured me that she would go on the offensive.

Plus one of her dumbass fans tweeted that she told them all not to mention this but they did and we knew what we were walking into.

“Its a pleasure to meet you” I tell this Malone. “I'm Johnny--

“I know who you are and I'm not gonna let you try and bullshit your way into my pants” she says.

“What in the--” Ronica begins.

“And you're nothing but an enabler” Aphrodite says.

“Wow” Zazz says.

“And you're the fat friend” she hisses at Zazz. No one calls my fat friend the fat friend except his hot friend. I'm just about to sonic scream this chick through a wall when Aimee sneezes. Its a fake sneeze. I look over at her and she uses her eyes to motion to Aphrodite's hand. This bitch is recording this. She's a sneaky snake!

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

No Time To Explain: Burger King Window Smashing

There is this weird thing called “common sense” which isn't as common as it should be considering its name. A bunch of employees who should be reevaluating their schooling got a prank call saying that pressure was building up inside of their Burger King location and the only way to relieve this pressure was to smash out all the windows. So they did it. This took place in Coon Rapids, Minneapolis. Yes, that is a real name of a place. Hate to know the history of how that place got its name.

Anyhoot, someone claimed to be with the fire department and told them that the building would blow up if they didn't release the pressure building inside. The store manager and employees rushed out and started going Hulk Smash on the place. I'd like to think at least one employee stopped and thought “Hey, what if we just leave the doors open?” Fuck that, right?! No time to explain! Start kicking windows open now!