Thursday, February 20, 2020

Kids These Days 84

I am so glad I don't have or want kids. A lot of it is because I know that I could not raise a kid in this insane ass world or keep them away from using the internet and likely trying dumb shit like this Skull Breaker Challenge. I guess if the intent is to ruin someone's life it could be considered a challenge. There have been so many that I don't keep track of and write about and stumbled upon this bullshittery. This is not a challenge or a prank. This is assault. I'm not someone who cries wolf...often. But if I had a kid that participated in this I would leave them at a fire station regardless of how old they were or treat them like a parent in the 80's. Translate that however you want.

This ”challenge” consists of having three people standing side by side. The one in the middle, let's call them the victim, jumps up in the air and has their legs swept from underneath them while in the air. They are told they will all jump up at once because you are likely doing this with friends and believe that your friends wouldn't try and change your brain chemistry. I watched a video showing multiple examples of this and I had to stop it. This is coming from someone who watches MMA, wrestling, and boxing. Seeing people hit the back of their heads makes me super cringe because I have done it so many times. The most memorable was chasing someone around a pool and landing back of my head first. There is no other feeling like that. Thankfully I was not knocked out. That happened running into a door face first playing tag a year prior.

Thursday, February 6, 2020

Man Sues Over Sexy Super Bowl

Sometimes there are things I hear or read that make me question my testosterone levels. There is this dude that wants to sue because he is upset about the performance during halftime by Jennifer Lopez and Shakira. By the way this dude, Dave Daubenmire, is a Christian activist with a podcast. I saw most of the performance and I didn't even have a wiggle down there. Dave on the other hand is worried about his soul and the penises of those in his home. “Could I go into a courtroom and say, 'Viewing what you put on that screen put me in danger of hellfire'? Are we going to protect our children or not? Would that halftime show, would that have been rated PG? Were there any warnings that your 12-year-old son - whose hormones are just starting to operate - was there any warning that what he was going to see might cause him to get sexually excited?” Will someone please think of the children?!

I know after Janet Jackson blessed us sixteen years ago (yes, it was that damn long ago!) people are always worried about anything sexy happening during the performances. For those of you too young to remember Miss Jackson and Justin Timberlake performed and at the very end of the show he yanked her top and it opened up and there was lady nipple live on TV. Next thing you know the FCC cracks down on anything that would offend anyone. Don't worry about the fact that the NFL has close to 300 concussions per year. That's fine! But them asses shaking? Two asses?! At the same time?! That, my kind sir, is too much. Oh, and he wants to sue for $867 trillion. That is not even a real number. Just a weird dude looking for attention. “I'm looking for a lawyer to file a class action lawsuit against Pepsi, the NFL, my local cable company for pandering pornography, contributing to the delinquency of a minor.” If he considers that performance pornography he needs a good talking to. And did his son suddenly start wilding out after seeing this?

Dante Learns New Black History: Ida Bell Wells

Today I am gonna write about Ida Bell Wells-Barnett. What I will write is just a taste of her life. This lady did more before she died than I will accomplish if you gave me three more runs at the nonsense I have called my life. Source: me. She was born in Holly Springs, Mississippi on July 16th, 1862. Yeesh. I hear 18-anything and shudder. Her father was born a slave to his father who hired him out as a slave throughout town. Her mother was sold away from her own family and was never able to locate them. And don't forget, since her father was a slave Ida was also a slave. She was later “freed” after the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation. By the time she was 16 she had lost her parents and her brother because of the yellow fever. God, every time I do one of these posts I feel both miserable and happy that people existed and exist these days that did so much good shit even though their lives whomped. She took care of her other brothers and sisters while working as a teacher living with her grandmother. Ida was also one of the founding members of the NAACP which some say is debatable.

In 1884 she filed a lawsuit against a train car company for unfair treatment. She won the case but federally they were like “Nah.” Ida wrote about lynchings in America which did not make people happy. She pointed out how it was aimed towards Blacks when it was feared that they were doing well. So of course they ended up burning her newspaper office down. She brought this up after one of her friends was lynched by a mob. She traveled the world telling about how America was lynching the fuck out of Black people. She also spoke about White women that sat by ignoring the lynchings. They didn't like that. She was fighting for Black rights and the rights of women but each of those groups had issues with her. She created the NACWC (National Association of Colored Women's Club) that dealt with civil rights issues and issues for women. I hope theme music played whenever this lady entered the room. I would imagine Rock Steady by Aretha Franklin.

Click here for previous Dante Learns New Black History.

Tuesday, February 4, 2020

Dante Learns New Black History: Cathay Williams

It is time to play catch up because it is already the 4th day of Black History Month and my ass haven't posted in days. Today I heard about this lady named Cathay Williams who was born in September 1844. She was the first Black woman to enlist in the United States a man! That's right! She used the name William Cathay. Surprise, y'all! She was born in Independence, Missouri to a father that was free and a mother that was a slave. Which means that she was a slave. Isn't it fucked up how that works? While working as a slave in Jefferson City the Union forces would straight up claim Black folk as contraband and and force them to help support the military as nurses and cooks.

Women were not allowed to serve in the military so Cathay used a fake name and served for three years. She passed a medical examination which makes me wonder what these consisted of. Probably made sure you could hold a weapon or lift something kinda heavy. It is said only two people knew she was a lady: a friend and a cousin. Y'all be sleeping on how loyal cousins are! Keep your brothers and sisters. Cousins are the shit. After her enlistment she got smallpox and then joined her unit. She started getting sick more often and after having surgery the doctor discovered that Cathay was a woman. She was then discharged and her life got pretty miserable after that. Why? She was a Black woman living in the 1800's, that's why. In September in 1893 a doctor said that she did not qualify for disability payments despite the fact that she served in the military, had a nerve disease, and diabetes where she had all her toes amputated. There are two other not Black women who were able to get coverage but...yeah. Black. 1800's. Eventually I am gonna cover something that is really cool or funny. I mean, its cool that she was able to do what she did and fight in the military back then. But damn. Also it seems I wrote about her five years ago...

Click here for previous Dante Learns New Black History.

Saturday, February 1, 2020

Dante Learns New Black History: Onesimus

I have written about Famous Black Firsts. Cool Shit Black People Invented. And Random Civil Rights Moments. I have not done any posts about Black History Month in a few years. No particular reason other than being a lazy ass. By the time I finish this I'll come up with some title for it. Until then let me talk a little bit about a guy named Onesimus. I have never heard of this guy and am not sure how to even pronounce his name. One-Si-Mus? O-Knee-Suh-Miss? Either way no one is sure when he was born or where. All's we know is that he was born in the late 1600's. He was first documented as a slave living in the colonies in 1706. Onesimus was given as a gift to a Puritan minister named Cotton Mather. Read that sentence again. A human was given as a gift. This Mather fellow was also a big part of the Salem Witch Trials. I'm not gonna even get into that. Mather saw something special in Onesimus and taught him to read and write though at the time that was associated with religion and business so he learned but it was likely for note taking and work. Sounds fun. Also, he was named after a slave in the bible. That's some bullshit.

In 1721 Boston got a taste of the smallpox. Mather's got the idea to inoculate people based off of what he learned from Onesimus. It is said that before being sold into slavery that Onesimus was once inoculated based off of a long practice of doing so back in Africa by sub-Saharan folks. As Mather put it when reporting what Onesimus told him “People take Juice of Small-Pox; and Cutty-skin, and Putt in a Drop.” Mather and Onesimus thought that this disease was a punishment from God and that this cure was a gift. Mather also wanted more religion in politics. People were skeptical because racism and did not trust African methods and thought they would try to overthrow White people. There was even a thing called The Acts And Resolves that was passed in Boston that had race based punishments. Eventually the medical community got tired of watching people just die because they were being stubborn. Out of 242 patients only 2 died compared to 844 out of 5,899 that were not inoculated. It wasn't until 1796 that someone else made a vaccination for smallpox By 1980 smallpox was no longer a thing. Until one of you people decide to not vaccinate your kid and all that weird old school shit returns. If you don't know what smallpox looks like don't look that shit up.

Sunday, January 26, 2020

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 9

Click here for previous Rehab.

This is my moment. I think. Right? This is my moment of redemption. If this were being filmed everything would go in slow motion. I would lock eyes with Softy. She locks eyes with me and mouths “I love you.” The other guys on the ground would slowly lift themselves up and form a human shield around me. Music in a language I don't understand would start playing and the Marines would drop their balls and start slow clapping for me. Mr. W. Scott would drop his clipboard and walk over and hug me.

In reality what happened was not as inspiring.

The first ball missed me because I suddenly developed the ability to do jazz splits. My dick reminds me that a receipt for that will come later. The next ball missed because I tipped to the side. The next ball was launched by a Marine who did some parkour nonsense and hurled the ball so hard I heard it. It hit me in the chest spinning me into the wall. Just as I gasped another ball hit me, guess where?, right in the dick. I spun and now I was facing the wall. I lost count of how many balls were hitting my back. I next woke up laying in bed with an ice pack on my face and crotch. Saucy was sitting at the edge of my bed holding ice to his nose.

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Kids These Days 83

They out here dipping their balls in soy sauce. I can't even remember how I heard about this in the first place which is almost as disturbing as the fact that I know it exists. So this seems to have started after a TikTok user named Regan said in a post “Did you know that when a man puts his testicles in soy sauce he can taste it? HE CAN TASTE IT. I wish I was kidding but I am not. If you have testicles, please dip your balls in something – it's for science and I must know.” I have written about so many challenges done these days and even some that were so dumb I haven't written about. But since I allegedly have man-balls I decided to chime in on this nonsense. Years ago a research named Bedrich Mosinger stated “The function of taste receptors and signaling proteins outside of taste system is still unclear. In some areas they seem to be part of the chemical sensing of sugars or amino acids. For the most part, though, full function of these extra-orally located taste receptors is unknown.”

Taste receptors have been found on other parts of the body like your stomach, brain, and booty hole. Yeah. Please don't make that a thing you all start doing. The study says that these weird ass taste receptors taste proteins for umami and sweet flavors that are in mice balls. They also removed the receptors and mice could not have kids and got weird shaped balls. Another person far smarter than me named Dr Kieran Kennedy said “The study or any that have followed hasn't shown that any animal can actually 'taste' via these receptors like we'd taste something from the mouth. There is no scientific or medical evidence to back up any claims that men of any species can actually taste things through their junk. So while the fact that there might be taste receptors in the testicles is pretty damn interesting, it unfortunately doesn’t mean there's any evidence they can actually taste things.” There. So cut that shit out. You can not dip your balls into sauce and smack your lips saying you can taste it. And if you can go see a doctor immediately.

Click here for previous Kids These Days.

Thursday, December 26, 2019

Just Talking With Dante Episode 46

Jasmine - “Why that noise?!”

Dante - “What sound you want? Ping ping ping ping!”

Jasmine has returned and I am sharing her with y'all! We talk about her trip to Dubai, ratchet ass music videos, talk about our Fat Tour, me finally getting a cell phone, the recent onslaught of celebrity dick pics, R. Kelly and his drama, a Dear Jasmine segment, taste test some chips, life in Oklahoma, nanny cams, porch pirates, and random nonsense as always. Click here for previous episodes.

Friday, December 20, 2019

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 10

Click here for previous Johnny Panic We Got It From Here.

Spin spin spin! That is the goal! Just spin my little sexy heart out both baffling and dazzling these monsters at the same time! They begin aiming at me and I can hear the machines struggling to pinpoint exactly where I am. I head into a ship and plow right through the damn thing embarrassed at how easily they beat me a week ago. While I am inside I am looking at all this insane technology they have. Everything is so clean! I also realize I need to make sure not a piece of this gets into the hands of the military because the next thing you know a yellow version of me will be trying to challenge me in a few years.

Look at me planning ahead like an adult!

“Focus on the island” Mother Bird says.

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Dante Explains Shit: Drug Abuse

People love to feel good. And by feel good I mean get fucked up. People have been doing it ever since some weird ass caveman ate a piece of fruit that was too old and got loose. There have been a lot of rappers dying the past few years from drug use. Drug use ain't new in music by any stretch of the imagination its just the drugs that these kids are taking are powerful as fuuuuuck. I read that in 2017 that 33% of rap songs that were on Billboard's Hot 100 chart mentioned lean aka Codeine. I was recently talking to a friend about lean and why people use two cups when they drink it. Its because the shit sweats through the first one. Do I really wanna ingest something that leaks through a Styrofoam cup? No, not really.

I am gonna sit here and try to explain all the drugs these kids are doing these days and what they feel like. This is not from experience. I say no to drugs! Hell, every kid that was in the D.A.R.E program in the 80's did the most drugs. Most of these sound fun as hell to do but when you see someone who took too much at once or could not stop when they should've the shit does not look any sorta fun. I say if you are gonna get turnt just drink responsibly or smoke weed. Or just watch a good TV or porn. Relax. Because its sucks living in a world where we know we loss Prince to a prescription pill addiction.

Wednesday, December 4, 2019

Grown Ass Man Tips: Calm Down

Have you ever been upset and someone told you to calm down? Did it work? Chances are it didn't. So why are people still saying it to one another? I have never in my life talked to a woman that was upset and said “Calm down...” because I grew up around a lot of lady folk and knew that those two words would not only not work but make them more upset. Why? Because they humans. I know in the way this world is running right now people like to forget that part. We are so busy giving ourselves new and special titles and racing to belong to a group so we don't feel alone that we actually leave out the part where before any of that stuff we're human. Unless you're a robot and reading this in which case I'd ask if you had better things to do.

A couple of weeks ago I heard a lady shouting at her dude from my window. “Action!” was said by me as it usually is and I went to look like the nosy resident I am. This lady was upset for whatever reason at her dude as they returned from the local weed shop (I know this because of their obnoxiously loud red bags that litter the sidewalks here in West Hollywood) and she told him to go back to his shitty apartment in his shitty car and that they were through. So of course he told her to calm down. Guess what she did? She went fucking megaton. I'm not sure how old this couple was and hope that they have not nor will they procreate but he should've known that if someone is screaming at you and saying they are through the best thing to do is either stand there silently and let shit run its course or get in your car and leave. Under no circumstances should he have engaged her the way he did. I mean he followed her as she screamed down the street and back to the car. Hopefully they no longer talk to each other.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.

Monday, November 11, 2019

Kids These Days 82

I know in 2019 I should not find the behavior of a mother who behaved like she was in the 1980's admirable but I do. Because I am ratchet sometimes and would love to do hoodrat shit with my friends. A mother, Christina Tinsley, has a daughter that goes to a school in Orange County that was being bullied. She had contacted the school about handling this situation and when they did not to her liking she went full 80's on them. She stormed into the building like she owned the place and gave a speech that sounds better in print than the actual video. Yes, there is video of this. Kids video every damned thing.

Friday, October 25, 2019

Dante Vs. Nature 81

I went to a circus when I was about 10 or 11. Know what I thought? “Wow elephants are huge!” and “Wow elephants stink!” Circuses suck but at least the animals are doing things. Yeah, things they shouldn't be doing but they are doing things. You go to a zoo and the animals are asleep, invisible, or just staring at you wondering why you wasted sixty bucks to feed them grass. What the hell am I even talking about? Bears and circuses. This circus in Russia has bear performances and recently the bear remembered what it was and tried to eat this man like groceries. I watched the video and thought “Well...yeah.” The guy is walking behind the bear and the bear turns around like he said something about its mothers and takes him to the ground. Another guy jumps in and starts kicking the bear just like you're taught to do when a bear is attacking. 

Or just lay there and play dead. Yeah, that's it. Kick it until its calm or play dead until its tired of eating your booty.

If you've seen the video you'll see that there is no fencing around the tiny ass area where this happened. These people thought it was a good idea to go see a bear on a leash with no fence or anything around. Cool. The bear had a muzzle on so the guy didn't get eaten alive and is fine. That's like saying the opponent is fine because Mike Tyson was wearing boxing gloves. The bear and the trainer were both fired after this incident. How the fuck do you fire a bear? They say flash photography may have startled the bear setting it off. Yeah. I'm sure that's what happened. Or...its a bear on a leash in a room full of food. That's like locking me a See's factory after hours. Things are gonna be messy the next day. Next time someone invites you to see animals perform just don't go. Its never as fun as it looks on TV and you're only really going to see exactly what these people saw.

Click here for previous Dante vs Nature

Saturday, September 21, 2019

Kids These Days 81

I don't know if you have heard me bitch about how difficult it is to find a good consistent barber being Black and living in West Hollywood. If I had a long beard and wanted that Macklemore haircut my ass would be in heaven. There are like eight of them places within five minutes walking distance and I'm not trying to walk into one of them and have the scene from Blazing Saddles when the new sheriff arrives play out in real life. So today I was looking on the internet and came across someone getting their hair done in a way that should be illegal. Probably isn't...but it should be. This dude was using fire. Like for real ass fire! My biggest concern use to be dirty clippers. Now its flames. See, when I get my hair cut I close my eyes and start singing A Secret Place. But now I'm gonna be listening for the sound of a can being shook and butane being lit on fire! 

How do you even learn to do this? Its not like one guy does this either. Turns out there are a bunch of fools out here cutting folks hair using fire and even more getting it done. How does one even practice this? Not on themselves for sure. Its been millions of years and our asses have not managed to tame fire. Fire hurts us all the damn time yet people are going “I need a haircut and this seems legit.” No. Don't get your hair done with fucking fire you freaks. If you are over 30 and doing this you need to get your shit together. If you are below 30 and doing this you need to go to the other room and talk to your parents and ask them what they did wrong. I love how fire became the thing. We went from ice buckets to fucking flames. Stop that.

Click here for previous Kids These Days.

Friday, September 20, 2019

At The 2019 LA County Fair

Went to The LA County Fair with Cam today. It was the fun. We walked around and looked at flowers. I got to pet some goats. We had some really good chicken with waffles on sticks. I also got this bomb ass soap from The Markham Farm. I used it tonight to shower and it felt and smells so good. Click here to check their stuff out. I also got some lemonade from Hotdog On A Stick. Their lemonade is damn near perfect. I got it mostly because I wanted a souvenir cup. We were gonna go last week but it was way too hot to deal with that nonsense. We went today and it was about 85 and perfect for walking around.