Thursday, June 23, 2016

My Current Jam: Asuka


Its funny how you can see someone a bunch of times and never think that they are that attractive and then one day they'll do something and you'll go “Oh. Well. It appears that I like that.” And by “you'll” I mean your penis. I had seen this wrestler named Asuka in NXT formerly known as Kana real name Kanako Urai a couple years back and thought she looked cool but it went no further than that. And then one day while looking for pictures to insert myself into I came across an animated gif of her and my face melted, my pants changed shape, and I started looking at this crazy ass chick in a different way. I think my voice got deeper too. Anyhoot, this is the image that got me.

While You Were Sleeping: Officer Caesar Goodson Jr. Trial


You all remember Freddie Gray right? I know that he could easily be lost in the amount of Black men and women being killed by police or in their custody particularly the last few years. He was the one given the “rough ride” and died in custody last year. One of the officers that was given the largest amount of charges was officer Caesar Goodson Jr. One charge was second-degree depraved heart murder which I'd never heard of an had to look up. It states that it is “the form of murder that establishes that the willful doing of a dangerous and reckless act with wanton indifference to the consequences and perils involved, is just as blameworthy, and just as worthy of punishment, when the harmful result ensues, as is the express intent to kill itself. This highly blameworthy state of mind is not one of mere negligence. It is not merely one even of gross criminal negligence.”

Friday, June 17, 2016

My Current Jam: Rin Nakai


There is close to no consistency in the type of women that I like looking at. Looking at. Not dating. Not having sex with. Not even talking to. There are some women that I like to look at, smile, and go about my day. A few months ago I discovered this chick named Rin Nakai after hearing her mentioned on a podcast and the guys started shitting on her looks. Of course me being me I had to look for her and was pleasantly surprised by the way she looked. Lots of female MMA fighters are really hard bodied or look like they battle using the face to fist style but not Nakai. She is cute and would easily flip me to the ground and have me screaming to my ancestors for help.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Dante Saves You: Purge Edition


I know its been a long ass time since I've done one of these and in that time you and your dumb ass friends have probably managed to get yourselves in all kinds of trouble involving guns, fires, and wayward children. But I am now back with this Dante Saves You Purge Edition! I have seen two of the Purge films that have come out so far (click here and here to read those) and they are a lesson in what not to do in a planned dangerous situation. There is another one coming out and I'm sure if I waited I could come up with five more things you could avoid by just not being stupid.

Stay Inside


Every year for 12 hours starting at 7pm and ending at 7am everyone in America is allowed to murder, rape, and just generally fuck shit up legally. Everyone knows it coming and smart people prepare by gathering as many weapons as they can with a list of people they want to wreck. Or...you forget that you didn't grab dinner months or even weeks in advance and decide that you really want that turkey burger and head to the store at 6:56pm hoping to get home before the Purge starts. You deserve to die!

Monday, June 13, 2016

Kids These Days 67

Whatever happened to just telling a punkass kid “No”? The new Finding Dory movie is coming out and pet stores and people that care about fish in general are worried about a bunch of parents that are controlled by their children will show up in droves buying these expensive and hard to take care of fish because they can't tell their kids to stop being stupid and go clean their room because it smells like fruit and ass and the laundry hamper looks brand new because clothes are never put in it. Years ago this same thing happened with clown fish after Finding Nemo came out. Same with turtles after Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Dory is based off of a fish known as a blue tang. I knew nothing of this type of fish and had to find some basic information. Turns out that the blue tang fish ain't nothing to fuck with. I just made that up and if you hear it anywhere else you'll think of me. You're welcome. 

These are known as surgeon fish and are important to reef control. They live in spots between six and 131 feet deep which is a bit different than that shitty little tank you have in your living room. They live in waters all the way from New York to Brazil and can live between right to 20 years. Read that again. That is a long ass time to have something that is gonna just swim in circles watching you sleep and wondering why its in this tank watching you grow up from a spoiled brat to a heathen that rubs its genitals against any hard surface before forgetting to feed it for a few days because life happened. Oh, and they get about a foot long. I would never have thought that. I would have guessed maybe five inches tops. Like dicks. 

Thursday, June 9, 2016

While You Were Sleeping: Rapist Brock Allen Turner

I heard about this case a few days ago and wanted to wait for more information to come out. So far its been nothing but more bullshit proving that some humans are just terrible people that do not deserve to be alive. Brock Allen Turner who was born on August 1st 1995 was convicted for sexually assaulting a 22 year old woman behind a dumpster while she was unconscious before being found by two Swedish guys that caught him, one asking him “Why are you smiling?” as he tried to escape. This took place at the Stanford campus. In March he was convicted of three felony sexual assault charges and sentenced to 6 months in jail and three years probation but will actually spend about three months inside if he behaves himself. That is a far cry from the six years that were being asked for.

Turner, his father Dan Turner, and the victim have all released various statements regarding what occurred that night. I'll start with this piece of fucking shit Brock. Seriously, after posting what everyone said I'll comment on this guy, his father, the victim, and the way I feel about humanity regarding all of this. I'll be editing a lot of their content but if you want to read any of it in its entirety it is available online.

Brock Turner: “The night of January 17th changed my life and the lives of everyone involved forever. I can never go back to being the person I was before that day. I am no longer a swimmer, a student, a resident of California, or the product of the work that I put in to accomplish the goals that I set out in the first nineteen years of my life. Not only have I altered my life, but I've also changed [redacted] and her family's life. I am the sole proprietor of what happened on the night that these people's lives were changed forever. I would give anything to change what happened that night. I can never forgive myself for imposing trauma and pain on [redacted].

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The Spider Princess & Big Baby Part 1


There was once a young Spider Princess. Her real name isn't important. Accept that and I can continue with this horrid tale of betrayal, greed, and envy. The Spider Princess was never once a beautiful princess. There was no curse. No wicked witch being turned away one dark and stormy night vexing the bloodline. She was born a Spider Princess to a normal, lovely king and queen. There names have since been stricken from the records and we dare not speak of their whereabouts.

Ever.

With a name like Spider Princess you would expect the kingdom to be dark. Covered with webs. Black, mystery goo dripping from every crevice. Screams of terror filling the halls. No. This was not the case. One would describe the kingdom as “Meh.” A modestly designed, large castle with a simple moat with a boring drawbridge that led to an okay kingdom with simple peasants. I should also point out that the kingdom had no name. Outsiders referred to it as The Dark Kingdom. The Shadowy Somber. Desolation's Keep. Tenebrous Manor. The Faint Palace. Murky Donjon. Or The Shaded Chateau.

But never to the Spider Princess' face.

Monday, June 6, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 6


In this episode Jasmine and I give a Prince death update, talk about Muhammad Ali dying, gorillas being shot at zoos, the internet going crazy over said gorilla, talk of animal mixed breeding, Dantania Believe It Or Not: The Zoo, homeless Twitter, an abundance of high speed chases, and what I would be doing if I were in one. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Newest Hot Teacher Alexandria Vera Arrested

Q. sent me this story. There is yet another hot teacher that has slept with a student. This post is written by Evil Dante. For those of you that don't know, Evil Dante will say things that regular boring ass Dante won't say...out loud. This is 24 year old Texas middle school teacher Alexandria Vera. Yes, 24 years old and teaching. I still say that you shouldn't be allowed to have children or teach before the age of 30. I mean, for society it makes sense but for a young boy having a 24 year old teacher would be the shit.

Anyhoot, she and the Boy Who Lived, The Man, Luckiest Guy Ever, My Hero, Baller, Lil Pimp, Lil Baller, The One, Goodyear Pimp, Fred Pimpstone, Ren & Pimpy, King of the Teachers, After School Special, Teachers Petter, Legend, Supercalifragiclicioushebesuchadopekid, The Chosen One, King of Everything, The Revenant, Three's Humpany, Diary of a Pimpy Kid, and He Who Has Sex With Teachers started their relationship at the start of the school year in 2015 and by January she was pregnant. That's right. Pregnant! She got an abortion after an investigation began but it was too little too late since folks were already in the know. I still applaud her decision. If she did anything right in her life it was that.

The boy is now 14 but that still doesn't make any of what they did legal. The boy flirted with her and asked for her number on Instagram. By the way, I should note that she is 24 with a 5 year old daughter. Yeah...there's that. She was an English teacher at Stovall Middle School in Houston (which I have written about because a teacher stripped for a student in class before!) before being arrested and posting $100,000 bail. Vera says that the boy missed school one day and she got worried so she sent him a message online and he got the digits from her. She went to his place, he got in her car, and they started smooching. Later that month, September, they had sex for the first time. Vera also told police that they had sex almost daily at her house and that they love each other. He'd stay at her place overnight and take him home in the morning so he could catch the school bus. Give me a moment.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Hiking At Murphy's Ranch


Koko and I went to this place called Murphy's Ranch over at Rustic Canyon. I had never heard of this magically strange place that is about 40 minutes from my front door. We headed down Sunset Blvd. and ended up turning onto Capri and parking in the residential area. We started up a paved road, passed a guy on a bike that told us things star a half hour away, and we were off.


While we hiked we kept on wondering how in the hell all this stuff got into this area. I mean, I have lived in this area for almost 20 years and never heard of this place and have passed it plenty of times not knowing that scenes that could be in Lord of the Rings was so close. There are areas where the trails are kinda hidden and hard to see if you aren't paying attention and others that are stairs. Good lord, the stairs. I'll get to those soon enough. Here is some half-assed history of this Murphy Ranch that I found online and none of it seems 100% agreed upon.

Friday, May 27, 2016

The Latest Hot Mugshot

There is yet another new hot mugshot going around. This is 24 year old Arkansas resident Sarah Seawright that has been arrested for a variety of things. She was arrested last month for failure to appear in court for driving carelessly and without insurance back in 2014. People, including her now, have been using #prisonbae and #jailhousebae online to describe her. 

This is not a new thing. There was that green eyed guy that women went nuts over (click here for that) and this hot chick after him (click here for that). As for Seawright she was arrested back in 2012 for kidnapping, first degree battery, hindering prosecution, tampering with physical evidence, and aggravated robbery. She and another guy, LeDarius Laron Scales, that she had hiding in the car robbed someone.

That all being said...she is cute as fuck. I wouldn't mess with her not just because of her past criminal history or because this chick would have zero interest with me. But because she looks like too much work. That is generally my view of chicks that are cute as fuck. I imagine never seeing them without makeup on or something. I'm being a silly person. I have had one girlfriend that was cute as fuck and saw her without makeup but it took a while to get there. And she did look like a different person. And this chick is in her 20's which is a realm that I don't dwell in. In closing, yeah. Cute as fuck. The guy version of girls bad boy. Men will be lining up to get her pregnant.  

Dante Vs. Nature 62

I don't want to really travel. I live in a great state where I can experience any new form of weather by heading in a direction for an hour. I also know what to expect from animals. The tend to stay where they should. Yeah, once in a while a mountain lion will snatch a pet up or a bear will stroll through Sylmar, but for the most part they know their place. But not in Bangkok. This 38 year old guy named Attaporn Boonmakchuay was using a squat toilet (another reason why I won't travel) when suddenly his dick was attacked. No, not by an overly excited wife or a jealous girlfriend. But by a 10 foot goddamn python!

He says that he fought to remove the python from his dick for thirty minutes with the help of his wife and a neighbor. I don't even have a friend that I am close enough to where I'd help do this. Let me be specific. A male friend. I'd yank a snake off a female friends vajayjay in the hopes of putting another one in. Yeah. I'm single. His wife eventually tied a rope around the python while Attaporn (whose name sounds like what I say when I finish watching a good clip on Pornhub) pried the jaws from his dick and promptly passed right the fuck out.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Kids These Days 66


My cousin had told me this story about a 15 year old girl at a Florida school, South Fort Myers High School, and how she had slept with 25 boys in the school bathroom. My response was that I knew girls like that in junior high and I was always told of these sordid tales after it happened and thus stayed un-laid in school. It was reported that a lot of football players from the school had been recorded on the school security system going into the bathroom. As one student put it “A bunch of football players went into a room with a girl and had sex with her, and a bunch of the football players were suspended. So we might not have a football team this year.” Priorities, right? This all occurred after school was done yet many are questioning why there was not any school officials present. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

While You Were Sleeping: Symone Marshall Arrest And Death


I heard about this story last week and have been waiting for more details to emerge before writing about it. That is what I do sometimes. I pretend that I am an actual writer and wait for results and more information before slapping on a social justice warrior hat and protesting wrong doings. This is about a 22 year old mother that died while in police custody. She happens to be Black which made people immediately think of Sandra Bland before getting any more details about it. “Don't need details. They're both Black!” I need details. I'm that guy which is why my hair used to fall out from stress. There is always more in my way of thinking.

Symone Marshall moved to Texas from Detroit a few months ago. She and a friend, Amanda Arnold, got into an accident saying they were run off the road causing their car to flip three times. Police arrived and they found cocaine in the vehicle and say that Marshall gave them a fake name. They both refused medical attention and showed no obvious signs of being injured. They were both arrested for the drug charge with Marshall having false identification added. Amanda was released the next day after posting bond but Marshall couldn't post the $5,000. Two weeks later she had a seizure in her cell. This is all on video unlike the Bland case. She was pronounced dead later at a hospital.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Dante Vs. Nature 61

Two lions at a zoo in Chile had to be killed because some assclown decided to jump into the lion pit with some and fuck with them. I am not a fan of nature and all the magical ways it can fuck with me so I try to stay away from it. This guy, 20 year old Franco Luis Ferrada, was allegedly suicidal (due to a possible note he left) and jumped into the lions enclosure. From there he started poking fun at the lions which are not fans of that kinda thing. Did I mention that he was butt booty ass naked? Yeah. He was. That is like taking me to a farm and the pigs are covered in bacon. The lions started attacking Franco because that and fucking is what lions do.

Zoo officials shot tranquilizer darts and ended up hitting dude in the neck. The also tried to wet the lions and that didn't work. Franco was being chewed up so they ended up having to shoot and kill the lions. The zoo director said Alejandra Montalva said “When a person's life is at risk, you have to sacrifice the animals. The shooter decided to save the life of the person and unfortunately we had to sacrifice two members of our family.” Nah. I say in this case or future ones, which there will be, you let the lions handle it. Franco is in critical condition and there are people upset at the zoo for killing the lions. I think it is stupid to make zoos. I think it is stupid to be set up to where idiots can climb into where lions are. Everyone is a loser except the dead lions that got to be natural for a few moments.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.