Thursday, July 30, 2015

Teach Me How To Dougie

A teacher is in trouble for a picture taken where two female students are placing their hands on her boobs. This isn't even a shocking thing anymore because we live in this strange new culture where everyone wants to be the cool kid no matter how silly it looks or how much trouble they can get in. 

Amy Douglas is a science and chemistry teacher in Rochester, New York. The picture was taken around a prom that she helped organize and chaperone. The picture has since been deleted off of Instagram and cropped to cover up the two students that helped make this very unsexy image happen. A caption with the photo originally said “Everyone be jealous we got to touch Dougies boobs.” 

No student should be that comfortable with a teacher. Not enough to call them Dougie, touch their boobs, or have the teacher think it is cute/funny to have a picture with her face clearly shown with students touching her breasts. She is being investigated for the photo. The students have now graduated. I know someone is saying that this is just a fun image to which I say be careful. Being a pervatron is a very slippery slope, one that I am all too aware of. My back glistens with oils from the slide of perversity from whence the only hope for a cleansed soul is a religious fervor not seen nor accepted since the 1500's. How wet do you want to get?

What People Care About This Week: Samuel Dubose Murder


As of today 671 people have been killed by police in the United States. When I typed in “How many people have been killed by...” the sentence filled itself in with ...”ISIS” and “...the police in 2015.” On July 19th 43 year old Samuel Dubose of Cincinnati, Ohio and father of thirteen was shot and killed by 25 year old officer Raymond Tensing during a traffic stop over a missing plate. The entire incident was recorded on a body camera which once again made me want to shout at everyone about how having a camera on every cop will not stop them from beating or killing anyone the same way surveillance cameras don't stop crime. Is it better that people that commit these crimes can be caught because there is footage? Yes. But that doesn't bring back someone who was killed for no reason.

Prosecuting attorney Joseph T. Deters stated “It was a senseless, asinine shooting. This doesn't happen in the United States, okay? This might happen in Afghanistan. People don't get shot for a traffic stop.” He also said “This office has probably reviewed upwards of hundreds of police shootings, and this is the first time that we've thought this is without question a murder.”

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

What People Care About This Week: Raynette Turner


Another arrest, another person dying in police custody. This time it was mother of eight kids 42 year old Raynette Turner of Mount Vernon, New York. While waiting for arraignment after being arrested for shoplifting she was found dead in her holding cell. Her husband of 23 years, Herman Turner is not taking this lightly. “Sounds like a cover-up to me. If they Mount Vernon police did their job she would still be alive. I want somebody's head to roll on this. I am not going to rest until I get some type of justice for my wife. That's the bottom line.”

So far the officials results have been inconclusive as to how she died. Herman wasn't even sure that his wife was arrested on Friday of Saturday for stealing crab legs where she was found a short distance away from by police. He was told she was complaining of feeling ill on Monday and was found dead on Tuesday. He didn't find out that his wife was dead until two detectives showed up at his house to tell him. “We know she was requesting medical treatment and it seems that, at some level, the system and the protocols that the city was following failed.”

Good Vibrations Gone Bad

I saw this story and asked a friend if 24 year old Vanquesia Hatisha Lowe qualified as a Certified Bastard and after realizing that she didn't meet the criteria for such a title (mean, evil, dangerously ignorant) I decided to plop her down here. This Florida resident was arrested last week after she stile a glass dildo from a Spencer's gift shop that cost about $25. Lowe put it in her purse after opening it and skidaddled. She was caught at another store in the mall and at first said she didn't do anything before finally handing it over to a store manager. This entire situation is embarrassing.

Is it said in a police report that she didn't think that she would get caught. I would hope that someone that steals something has more confidence in themselves. “I can do this! I am gonna steal this dildo and get myself off with ill gotten goods!” She was released on $500 bond. 

Different sites keep referring to it as a vibrator and made of glass which in and of itself is a ridiculous conclusion to make. It is likely acrylic and there is no way those take batteries unless you make one yourself and like living in the danger zone. The acrylic type of dildos can be warmed up in the microwave which should make you look at your single female friends that live alone and openly talk about their sex toys a little bit differently when they offer to warm up a meal for you.  

Friday, July 24, 2015

Dante Vs. Nature 54


People are as dumb as nature is dangerous. A 43 year old woman from Mississippi got her ass flipped in the air by a bison at Yellowstone National Park because she decided to take a selfie near one. This is the fifth person just this year to get a taste of zero gravity because for some reason they think that bison aren't dangerous. You know what I see when I look at a bison? Angry history. Ain't no bison in Africa. That shit isn't in my DNA to be okay around them. Black people get tattoos of lions, tigers, and dragons because those are native to Africa so deep inside we feel some kind of connection. But not no damn bison.

This lady was standing six yards, or in layman's terms “Too goddamn close!”, to one when she took her picture, tasted the rainbow, and got some minor injuries. A district ranger named Colleen Rawlings said “People need to recognize that Yellowstone wildlife is wild, even though they seem docile. This woman was lucky that her injuries were not more severe.”

Cop/Porn Actress


This cute ass cop in Miami is in trouble for possibly doing porn while still being a cop. Sabine Raymonvil has said while being investigated that she did it before joining the force eight years ago. I have looked up some images from her films for...research.

She looks better as a cop than a porn actress. I'm not sure how much porn you've watched but Black chicks tend to wear a ton of makeup and only take care of the front of their hair. Next thing you know their weave moves and their roots look like mine. Its not cute and I am rambling. The biggest problem with her besides possibly losing her career because she likes to bang on film and bad wigs is the company she keeps.

I Went To The Wrong Schools


(editors note: once again Evil Dante will be writing this particular post and none of the opinions expressed by Evil Dante represent the view of no sex having, cell phone shunning, long fingered weirdo Dante)

I'm sick of this shit! When I was a kid teachers were in their early 50's and only started teaching to save money for their cat fund. They had names like Mrs. Webb with her melted fingertips. Miss Leonard with her crooked wig. They sure as fuck weren't 24 years old and just old enough to teach you how to do make up, take a decent selfie, or get away with not having a personality. This is former New Jersey Catholic high school teacher Fatima Grupico. Say her name three times and you'll get a boner!

She taught history at Cardinal McCarrick High School and was arrested and charged with sexual assault and endangering the welfare of a child after it was discovered that she was boning a 17 year old student. They had sex when the school was closed due to low enrollment. There is no explanation how she was caught. I always assume that either the boy talked, they sent a shit ton of texts, or a nosy ass parent found out. Either way you can't blame any 17 year old boy from aiming for the fences.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Teacher Is Freaky Naughty


(editors note: this post was written by Evil Dante. The views expressed by Evil Dante do not represent the view of regular, boring ass, ironing loving, thigh admirer, socially awkward Regular Ass Dante)

Holy shit! I remember a few years back when all these female teachers started banging their students. They were like a 6 or 7 on a scale of 1 to 10. We are now at a point where strong 8's and up are having sex with students and I hate it. I am jealous. I don't like being jealous, especially of teenagers because teenagers suck. They are selfish, arrogant, and stink of latex and/or weed. This teacher 32 year old Nicole McDonough was indicted on three counts for having the sex with three 18 year old students. I'd just fucking drop out of school and make this all nice and legal. She is hot in that sad way some girls can be. 

She tried to get a pretrial intervention which would've been dismissed with a guilty verdict and the courts were all like “Nope.” Nicole was looking for and having sex with students and each of the teens said that they did not feel victimized. At least they're honest. Her lawyer Timothy Smith said “If ever there was a victimless crime, this is it.” I concur...because I'm a horrible person.

Mystery Man Leaves Mysteries


Miss J. made me aware of this crazy ass story about this guy identified as Jeffrey Alan Lash. You would think that the fact that his decomposed body was found in a car after sitting there for days would be strange enough. Or the fact that police found over 1.200 guns, almost seven tons of ammo, knives, bows and arrows, knives, and $230,000 in case. Nope. Its that his fiancees family says that he was an alien hybrid that was working for the government. Oh. They also found an SUV that was built to drive underwater as well as fourteen other cars registered in his name.

This guy may have been James Bond.

Lash had told Catherine Nebron that was working undercover for unnamed agencies. Her defense attorney said Harland Braun said “The story itself sounds totally crazy, but then how do you explain all this? There's no evidence he was a drug dealer or he stole these weapons, or had any criminal source of income, no stolen property, all the stuff you'd look for.”

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

What People Care About This Week: Troy Goode & Sandra Bland


Been a hell of a last few days regarding the use of force by police. Well, a hell of a last few years particularly. 30 year old Troy Goode died two hours after arriving at a hospital after being arrested by police after a concert in Memphis, Tennessee. The lawyer for the family, Tim Edwards, reported that the asthmatic was placed face down on a stretcher and hogtied by Mississippi because he was being disruptive. “His face was buried in the mattress of the stretcher. There was a strap over the back of his head so he couldn't move his head. His hands and feet were hogtied so he couldn't move those, either.” This was recorded on video.

It is being investigated whether or not Goode and his friends were intoxicated before the show. “That'll be determined by the toxicology screen. Whatever was ingested, it was done by all five of them” Edwards said. Police have already been using the phrase “alleged LSD overdose” before any real information has been released to disavow any responsibility. The family meanwhile believes that excessive force may have been a contributing factor in his death. The family has asked for an investigation to begin but as of me writing this none have begun.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Running Your Mouth

Guys like to talk a lot of shit. Its just a thing that we enjoy. I like to talk shit as much as the next guy but I understand that there are certain times when running my mouth doesn't fit the situation and certain people that I don't run my mouth to. Not everyone knows this and they end up looking at a paramedic being asked how many fingers they see. 

When I was younger I thought that only kids and teenagers got into fights because they ran their mouth. I was so wrong. It never stops. You can see a 40 year old guy giving the finger an screaming at someone and the next thing you now he is screaming for help as someone who doesn't play by the same rules is yanking his dumb ass out the car.

A grown ass man knows not to run his mouth. Running your mouth is different than talking a lot. Talking a lot someone can say “Fuck, he won't shut up.” That's me. Running your mouth will have someone say “This bitch about to get knocked the fuck out.” As a grown ass man you shouldn't even hang out with another guy that runs his mouth. Why? Because he's gonna get your ass kicked or you're gonna have to jump in while he's getting his ass kicked. There are guys walking around testing everyone because they think that they can whip any ass. Its not true. We can all be beaten. And don't assume that because you are using your fists that the other guy is. There are a lot of guys walking around with scars and headaches because they didn't shut up. Don't be one of them.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.

Monday, July 20, 2015

All Of The Happy


You see this crazy looking dinosaur? I have been searching for this for 29 years. It is a Hasbro Be Mores Blue “Surprise” Dragon Dinosaur and I found it online last week after almost three decades of telling people that I once had a dinosaur that transformed into a cow with wings and sounding like a lunatic. It turns out that it was not a cow but a dragon inside but close enough. They bought provide milk.

The story behind me losing possession of this when I was about 7 years old involves a broken family, being hit by a car, and coming to the realization that I was not liked by the people I assumed had to love me. When this was left behind and I couldn't get it back I was like “But...we know where it is. We can just go get it. Why won't we just go get it? Its mine! I love it! Let's get it!” But we never did and I have no idea where it ended up.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

My Worst Nightmare

This is 29 year old Delia Priem and she is my worse nightmare. She was arrested in Largo, Florida after attacking her boyfriend. Why? Because she was secretly taping him watching porn even though he made a promise to because sometimes we have to do that as guys to make women feel better. Its stupid. We need to stop that. She woke her dude up by slapping him in the face at 2:40am which is just rude. Then she started throwing stuff at him but missed. 

She was arrested on a misdemeanor battery charge and was released on her own recognizance because woman. This isn't her first dance with the devil. In April she was arrested for drunk driving. Chicks need to stop asking their men to not watch porn unless they aren't banging them because of the porn. And if that is the case they need to have a talk because not many guys will choose to watch a video than have the actual sex unless there are some funk issues, she is bad in bed (yes, that is an actual thing!), or he is just lazy as hell. Maybe she didn't like the particular pornos he was watching. Like, sometimes a guy will be dating a skinny White chick but be all about them BBW Ebony videos. She can't compete with that! 

Grown Ass Man Tips: Borrowing Money

No grown ass man likes owing money. What is worse is having to borrow it in the first place. But the absolute worse thing is loaning money to someone and having to fight to get it back. There is a family member that I was already on the fence about that owes me almost $500 that I don't even want to hear from. 

People say when you loan a family member money that you might as well never expect to get it back. That shouldn't be true. I had to borrow $500 a couple of months ago and gave it back immediately. Did it hurt me to give it back financially? A tiny bit. But the feeling of owing money for me is way worse. Well, at least for me. I actually get physically ill. 

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Kids These Days 57

My cousin JP told me about this ‪#‎DontJudgeMeChallenge‬ because she knows how to poke a sleeping monster. Literally. I woke up and she sent me a post telling me to check this challenge out. I did. Now I hate the world a tiny bit more. In this challenge that isn't really a challenge people that think they are hot draw all over their faces and do things to make themselves unattractive only to reveal that...surprise! I'm actually someone you'd want to fuck.

On the list of things that you can be judged for are bad skin (scars, acne), glasses, a unibrow, and wild hair. This challenge is the perfect example of why I like women that wear little to absolutely no makeup. That's not you. I talked to Quinno about this once and asked how it'd look if I showed up somewhere with a ponytail and my face a different color than my neck. That shit wouldn't fly because I'm an alleged man. I love how you have to get makeup now that doesn't make your already suffering skin suffer more. These same women that are doing this wouldn't be caught leaving the house with no makeup on and use more in their daily lives than in this challenge.