Friday, January 20, 2017

Float Lab Westwood


So Wednesday I went to the Float Lab location in Westwood. I had been to the one in Venice twice (click here to read about that) and loved it. The first time I went alone and the second time I went with a friend. I had been planning on going back for the longest time and just kept not doing it. So after some mental back and forth I decided to go to the Westwood one. I shouldn't have. Full disclosure: I put a lot of pressure on myself before going and did not have the proper mindset.

On the way there the bus driver let this obviously crazy guy on and he and another crazy guy got into a discussion about god which crazy people like to do. I got there early and walked around Westwood and was reminded of why I don't like going to Westwood. As I waited in front of the location I saw street construction happening. I hoped that I wouldn't be able to hear or feel it while in the tank. I head inside and me and some other guy are in the waiting room. The place looks nice. Very clinical but dark. Very different vibe from the Venice location which I prefer.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Kids These Days 69


Sometimes there are stories that I find out about and it just makes me want to interview the perpetrator or the parents of them and just ask “How come? What can I do to make sure none of my friends kids turn out like you?” I also think there are some crimes where instead of jail I suggest an island where they are given backpacks with various weapons and they fight for survival. A “battle royale” if you will. Either way, this 17 year old girl Lestina Marie Smith is a great candidate for my island idea. She is charged with raping a man. You hear that? It was the sound of thousands of men and women rolling their eyes. Yes, it makes a sound.

So Lestina—by the way. Watch what the hell you name your kids. Anyhoot, Lestina, from Michigan, raped a guy 19 year old guy at knife point. At knife point she made him give her oral sex and regular sex. She has been charged with two first degree felony criminal sexual assault charges. If she is convicted, which she should be, she can get life in prison. Even if she gets off on one charge she can still do life. Of course ignorant ass people are questioning whether or not a man can be raped. Let me just grab some random comments from people on Facebook and the dumb shit they are saying.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

No Jacking In Jacksonville

I am a man of loose morality. I have openly said that if you can't get any ass from your spouse that you should get it somewhere else and in the same breath proclaimed that people that spit in the streets should be shot on sight. I sometimes ask myself “Who does it hurt?” like in this case where a 70 year old lady was arrest at a massage parlor for wanting to jerk an undercover cop off. Her name is Sun Hee Nmn. I'll just call her Sunny for the rest of this. 

Sunny gave this cop a $70 massage which seems like a lot of money and as if I should be charging some women back pay in my personal life. When finished she asked if he would like to have an even better day for $60 more. Little did she know that he was a park of Jacksonville's let's stop adults from making each other feel better sting and she was arrested for prostitution and being an unlicensed massage therapist. Like you need a license to rub somebody.

The name of the parlor, Jax Therapy which I am not making up, had been under investigation for prostitution. Sunny was released after posting $4,000 bond and really that is all that matters. No one gives a fuck if two adults are making each other come. Well, one adult making the other come. Sounds like a marriage to me. If one or both of them were teens or kids, sure, jail time for someone. But if I could walk into a place and get a rub and tug for about a hundred dollars I would consider this the greatest country in the world. Many comedians have put it this way but let me try to explain to you how silly this all sounds.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Johnny Panic: Street Walkin' Cheetah Part 2 of 3



After drying Milly off by just flying in circles quickly which she loves I decide that we should head over to L.A and visit my mom. Hopefully my brothers aren't there. Yeah, I know I barely ever talk about them and its for a reason. Not just because they are boring, jealous, haters. I mean, that would be as good a reason as any but its mostly because they are haters that are jealous and boring. They haven't even met Milly yet which is ridiculous. Its not like they don't know the worlds only superhero had a kid. They are just dicks. My mom tries every few months to get us all together but it never works out well. Its fine with me either way. My life is awesome.

I come in high and fast to avoid any attention which is proof that I am becoming more mature no matter what Ronica says. I land, remove a loose piece of seaweed from Milly's shoe, and head inside. I have a key. “Mama love!” I should. Milly laughs. My mom comes out of the kitchen and rushes over...to Milly. She picks her up and hugs her. Milly starts to float lifting them both off the ground. “I missed you too, mommy.”

“Oh, stop being jealous” she tells me. “Look at her! She is so cute! Why does she smell like Venice Beach?”

“Its actually Poipu...”

“Either way she needs to be washed” she says and heads to the kitchen with Milly. Yeah, they are both still floating off the ground but my mom somehow knows how to guide Milly to where she needs her to go. She starts filling up the sink with water. “You cant have your baby running around smelling like wet hobo.”

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Just Talking With Dante Episode 16


In this episode I talk about New Years resolutions, complain about street sweepers, Contrave medication and how terrifying it sounds, and read some Missed Connections from Craigslist. Click here for previous episodes.

Friday, December 30, 2016

The Seven Men Women Shouldn't Date


I feel that I need to preface this by saying that I am not an expert at anything except complaining. I can complain about any subject you give me. I have written posts like The Seven Women Nerds Will Date, The Seven Men Female Nerds Will Date, and The Seven People You Find On Valentine's Day. This time I will cover The Seven Men Women Shouldn't Date. Now you may know someone that is like the type of guys I am describing or you may be one yourself. Either way, this isn't about you...right? I'm just some random ass dude just talking shit and you shouldn't take any of this personally. You shouldn't but you will because that's how people are these days.

“What makes you such an expert on who people should or shouldn't date, you asshole?” someone just asked aloud which is weird because this is on a screen and won't respond to you. I'm not an expert on any one thing. Rather I'm like Batman. He is great because he is good at a lot of different things. It gives you a pretty good all around concept of how things and people work. And as always there are exceptions to rules. I hate that I even have to say that, you babies. This is the part where instead of reading you scroll through quickly to see if you or anyone you know made the list. 

Monday, December 19, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 15


In this episode Jasmine is back from the jungle! We talk about going on a Fat Tour of food, my dislike of people singing, Jasmine's adventures in Costa Rica, Dante's displeasure of hot rain, fear of heights, Dante once again explains how he could land a plane, and Dante has Jasmine explains TSA. Click here for this and previous episodes.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Landlord Gets Schwifty In Tenants Apartment

This Colorado landlord named Carlos Quijada just may be one of the nastiest ass people to ever nasty. He is being charged with criminal trespassing and misdemeanor obscenity after he was recorded having sex in one of his tenants places. The couple that lives there, Logan Pierce and Mikaela DiGiulio, were obviously not there at the time that he decided to use their bed as his filthy fuck pallet. The couple has a security system set up from a company called Nest that had the motion sensor triggered and notified Logan by phone. When he later checked the camera feeds he was treated to some straight up gay porn in the form of Carlos and another man having oral and butt sex in the span of six minutes. But it gets worse. I have no problem with gay sex. Do who ya like (insert Humpty Hump horns) but please not on someone elses bed. That shit is just foul. But it gets worse.

Carlos man-friend grabbed a dress from the laundry pile to wipe his dick clean while Carlos grabbed another item of clothing to clean up the lube stain left on the bed. Such class. Much consideration. Oh, by the way, the dress used to clean up was worn by the wife in their wedding ceremony earlier this year. There is not enough Clorox in the world to get that bed clean! I would have to contact a goddamn witch doctor to sleep comfortably in that place ever again. Having the sex in a tenants bed is terrible. But cleaning yourself off on their clothes? Come on, now. Just...no. 

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

My Current Jam: Rose Bertram


I was trolling TMZ a few days ago and they had this image of these models together on the beach just sitting there being models and doing what models do like make women feel bad about themselves because they don't weight 90 pounds and can barely get a free refill on their Pepsi based on the way they are built let alone get sent around the world just so people can take pictures of them because of their structure. I'm not normally even into models unless they look bizarre. But when I saw this pack of models the one all the way to the right grabbed my eyes. And by eyes I mean penis.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 14


I am back with my cousin Jasmine! Yay! We talk about delicious donuts from ICDC, some bus tales, a woman that disfigured a man's penis parts, very tiny wangs and how to deal with them nicely, paying for sex with food, holiday shopping, dressing for the first day of school, and being presentable when leaving the house. Click here for previous episodes.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Dante Vs. Nature 63

I saw this story and laughed my ass off. I thought it was fake but triple checked and this shit is way true and proof that nature is a bitch with a bad sense of humor. This Chicago alderman named Howard Brookins Jr. has been very vocal about the squirrels in the city ruining the garbage cans and costing the city money but damaging the trash lids. One of the squirrels wasn't having that shit anymore and decided to take one for the team by launching its crazy little ass into his bike spokes while he was riding. I'm not kidding. Its in that picture all up in the spokes.

Brookins ended up with a broken nose, knocked out teeth, and fractured skull after he ended up flipping over the handlebars. I've done that shit before but I was a little kid. Not a grown ass man. And certainly not attacked by a woodland creature. Someone called 911 for him likely after calming down from laughing. “I can think of no other reason for this squirrel's actions than that it was like a suicide bomber, getting revenge.” I would say he sounded like a lying liar who lies but there is too much evidence that this squirrel was out for blood.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.  

Friday, November 18, 2016

Johnny Panic: Street Walkin' Cheetah Part 1 of 3


I know it sounds bad but sometimes I forget that I'm a father. I know that I win Sexiest Man Alive pretty much every year, I'm the most powerful human to ever exist ever, and the coolest person you know. Johnny Panic. Hello. Is that a new shirt? No? Well, it looks great. The blue really brings out the love your have for me in your eyes. Don't deny it. I don't care. You know its true, so accept it.

“Do you have everything?” Ronica asks me while I pack Milly's bag for the day...which I will immediately toss on the roof when I leave. I put in a spare pair of clothes. You'll find out why later. Some snacky nyum nyum's. And juice. That's all a kid pretty much needs in life. Ronica goes through the bag and removes everything I packed and puts in stuff adults thinks kids need to survive. She knows Milly is tough but she has no idea how tough. Because I'll never tell her. She'd kill me if she knew the crazy shit me and our baby have done so I could find out just how strong she is.

We've flown into volcanoes, stopped bank robberies, put a fire out in an orphanage which is the cheesiest superhero thing I've ever done, bitch slapped sharks, and the most dangerous of all...drank water in India. Trust me. I had a hard time explaining to Ronica why our daughter was peeing out of her butt for three days. I blamed it on her moms muffins. Milly is just over 1 years old and has shown more abilities than I did at her age. I was about 7 when I first flew. All the other cool shit came later. Milly can fly. Well, if I'm being honest its more like floating. You take her off her string and she'll just go straight up. She can't be hurt in any way we've discovered. She has my sonic scream. And she laughs in the face of danger. 

Like right now.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

How Donald Trump Won And Why Its Your Fault


That is the most click bait title ever written. If you told me that I could pick between explosive diarrhea for the next four years or uncontrollable vomiting I would ask you “Can I just say no?” If you told me yes I would just walk away. I don't want either of those things. That is how I viewed this previous election with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. I saw two big problems and a small solution in Gary Johnson. “Who?” someone just asked. Exactly. People continually bitch about this two party system we have while voting for people that represent those two parties exclusively because “Go team go!” Everyone wants to belong to a team. Not me. Lone wolf up in this bitch.

You know Trump isn't a Republican right? He had to get into that party because he knows how stupid people are and they cant conceive of the notion of voting for a third party candidate or outside what they think is theirs no matter what. Folks are still washing the taste of Ross Perot out of their mouth. Before 1987 and from 2001 to 2009 he voted Democrat. From 1999 to 2001 he voted Reform. In 2011 – 2012 he was Independent. He is still Independent but he knows that wont work so he hopped on the Republican ticket. And guess what? The shit worked. He is now your President. Decades ago Hillary was Republican but we wont talk about that because girl power.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Body Shaming Leads To Possible Jail Time


Earlier in the summer I wrote a post about the 29 year old Playmate named Dani Mathers after she took a Snapchat image of an older one in the gym nude and posted it online (click here to check that out). I said that nothing would happen to her because reasons and it turns out I am wrong. Los Angeles city attorney has filed criminal charges against Mathers citing invasion of privacy which is a misdemeanor. She of course apologized and said things like “That was absolutely wrong and not what I meant to do...I know that body-shaming is wrong. That is not the type of person I am.” Sure you're not.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Dante Bitches About Maxim Hot 100 2016


I can this close to not bitching about Maxim Magazine and their Maxim Hot 100 this year. I have spent so much of it enjoying myself and/or complaining about so many other things in the world this slipped on by. I do one of these every year for the past few and each time they manage to get worse. This one has to be by far the worse list they have none not just because there is barely any goddamn variety but also because I don't know who the fuck most of these women even are.

I'm gonna do like normal and cover some of the women from 100 all the way to the top ten because by that point I'll be good and pissed off at the amount of not ass this list has. Seriously. Almost every woman on this list are like palette swaps of the same person but with deeper tans than others. This thing really makes me believe more and more that its made up. And before you ask none of these hot ass women made the list.