Friday, May 22, 2015

Dante Bitches About Maxim Hot 100 2015


For years now Maxim has put out their list of the Hot 100. Its been pretty bullshit but this year they've gone too far. They tend to pick someone that is hot at the moment or a flash in the pan. You remember who was number one last year? It was Candice Swanepoel and she is way down on the list now. Do you even remember what she looks like?


I didn't until I looked for that image. And this list becomes automatic bullshit not just for the fact that Taylor Swift is number one but because Ronda Rousey is nowhere on it. You telling me that millions of men voted and Rousey, the undefeated UFC women champion who has also been in one of the highest grossest movie this year Furious 7 and on the cover of Sports Illustrated and hot ass chick didn't get enough votes to crack this list? I call major bullshit.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Click Bait Rape Story

When I first heard about this story every singe post I saw had one of two pictures of this chick with the headline saying something like “Woman arrested for raping man!” Now, when you look at that picture and that title you think one of a few things. If you're stupid you think a woman can't rape a man. You may also think that she is cute and if you have pretty much no morals you wouldn't mind being raped by her. Or if you're like me you decided to read up on this a little more and saw that this was a deceptive ass picture. This is not a recent picture!

26 year old Chantae Marie Gilman of Seattle was arrested for raping a 31 year old man as he slept after breaking into his apartment back in July on 2013. She has pleaded not guilty of course but copped to second degree assault and third degree attempted rape.

The guy that was attacked didn't know her but knew that she was someone a neighbor knew and was a known drug user in the neighborhood. Not a good thing to be known for. When he woke up with her on top of him he told her to get off and she replied “Be quiet” while pinning his arms down over his head. This is not a small woman. He was able to wriggle his way from under her as she asked for a cigarette and he threw one at her crazy ass. Less than 24 hours later called police and did the whole rape kit deal.

At the time of this assault she was eight months pregnant with her fifth child. During a police interview she couldn't remember how she got into the guys house or having sex with him. She also said she suffered from psychosis and bipolar disorder.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

The Hotness According To Men And Women


I was recently trolling the internet looking for something to bitch about (which I do a lot) in terms of looks. The hotness. What is the body that people want right now? Personally, what I am into physically makes no sense and is all across the board. I found this site called Bluebella which sells sexy time things.

They asked 1,000 men and women to pick their perfect man and woman and using scary Frankenstein type technology made it. This is one of those situations where something sounds good until you see, hear, or taste it like gum and crackers. By the way, this is obviously British. There are other sites that have done these but this is the first one I found so pffft.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

The World's Grossest Roommate

This 56 year old nasty ass old lady named Sarah Schrock of Mechanicsville, Maryland is being charged with felony contaminating and second-degree assault. Why? Because she's gross! When her roommate was drinking a glass of milk she started choking on something that was in it. She and someone else coughed it up and it appeared to be human fucking skin. Ew! They strained it and it was a bunch of skin shavings inside. The roommate told cops that Sarah kept her foot shavings in a tray. My god! How is this your roommate?! 

This skin drinking shit happened days after she placed a protective order against Sarah who was arrested a few days later for violating it. Sgt. Cara Grumbles said that she did not know whether or not this had anything to do with Sarah putting her goddamn foot skin in her roommate's milk. Really? You don't? If I found out that I had a roommate that saved any part of their body one of us is leaving. And if I found out that someone was leaving pieces of their nasty ass feet in anything I even touched they would be the ones calling police. There used to be a guy that lived in my building that offed himself. Apparently he saved years worth of toilet paper rolls and his long greasy hair in the shower. When someone saves body parts it is a sign of fucked up-ness. If you are reading this and you think its fine to save parts of yourself...stop.

Mama Likes Her Drank

One mother had quite the Mother's Day last weekend. Hayley Dawn Hampton, 28 of Oklahoma, was arrested after being accused of child neglect. By the way, the names Hayley and Dawn are trouble names for girls. Police were contacted after someone saw her 4 year old sitting in the back seat of her car while she was inside having drinks at Lumpy's Sports Bar. When police talked to her she said that she went into Lumpy's to get her boyfriend but then her friends were all like “Its Mother's Day! Let's get turnt up!” so she had a drink. 

Hayley says that her boyfriend went outside to watch her kid and a bartender says that she didn't notice when he came back fifteen minutes later to keep the party going. He also says that she was in there for an hour and had a beer and a shot. Sounds like the perfect recipe for driving your kid around, huh? She was arrested for child neglect, the boyfriend was not, and the kid is now with a family member. I can't stand someone that drinks and drives. I can't stand someone that adds a kid into the mix. I'm sure her goofy ass will be out and do it again within a year. If you haven't learned your lesson by the age of 28 chances are you'll do some dumb shit again.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Dante Vs. Nature 51


You know what I wish was real? Bigfoot. The Sasquatch. Yeti. Whatever the hell you wanna call it I want it real and I want it now. Why? Just because if we are wrong about that thing it means we can be wrong about a lot of other stuff like aliens, the Loch Ness Monster, and religion. All over the world there are different versions of this creature. In over a dozen Native American cultures there is some version of Bigfoot and it is talked about the same way we talk about bears. Its a thing that is there and real.

A while back I heard about this creature that used to exist called Gigantopithecus. This thing looks terrifying. It is said to have been 9 feet tall and existed close to the time that we did. Its not like when we evolve all the other versions of us go “Whelp. Seems our time is up” and fade away. They slowly vanish. The thing is though, till this day we find new creatures that we thought no longer existed or had died out. Last year alone there were over 18,000 new species discovered.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Johnny Panic: The New Hotness Part 5


Click here for previous The New Hotness.

I wonder if this is what its like when people meet me for the first time. Hell. Every time. After a few more minutes of having our picture taken Anthony Bingham takes me by the arm and we head inside. I feel like a pretty, pretty princess! This guy is intoxicating. Even though I can't be killed by anything known to man he opens the door for me and even pulls my seat out.

No!

I will not be tricked by this guy! I am Johnny Panic. Yes, this guy is amazing. Yes, he looks like a god. Yes, he smells incredible. Yes, his voice sounds like Jesus' butler. Yes, his eyebrows are on fleek. Yes, if he wanted to have a three-way with me and Ronica I'd let him go first. But that does not mean that he is better than me. I've been to space. I fought an alien. I brought down a president. I have more fan fiction than Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch combined. This is just another Englishman I gotta break.

“Its such an honor to meet you” Bingham says.

“You too, dude” I say. Everything I say sounds stupid with my stupid American accent. Dude. What the fuck? “What should I, uh, call you? Anthony? Bingham?”

Thursday, May 7, 2015

New Hamburglar

I don't know who this asshole is, but I don't trust him. McDonald's released their image of the new Hamburglar and thank god he isn't Black. They released a new commercial for this guy that shows him in the backyard with his wife and son making burgers and he finds out that some new burger is coming out and he seems to suffer some form of PTSD and whispers “Robble, robble...” That burger he is holding isn't even something that place makes. I have eaten almost every burger that places makes and he is holding a lit. 

McDonald's has been updating their stuff the last few years. They changed the way Ronald McDonald looks and then they went too far and got a mascot for the Happy Meal that looks like something that would make you shit backwards if you saw it in your home. I'm not comfortable with change. New things make me nervous. This guy looks like someone at a Kanye West fashion show. For real. Look it up.

Booger Sugar In Nature Valley Bar

This lady named Cynthia Rodriguez of San Antonio, Texas got the surprise of a lifetime when she opened up a Nature Valley bar. No, not a cash prize like she assumed but a small bag of cocaine. She was enjoying what could be described as possibly the hardest snack on the planet when the drogas fell out. 

She called General Mills Inc. all excited thinking she had won something. They told her to call the police and after some investigation (and probably some mad parties) they told her that it was cocaine. A spokesperson for GM said that the bar wasn't packaged at their facility and would not say which one it was. Probably the one with the employees that never take lunch breaks and refuse to stop talking about all the great ideas they have for new products. Like cocaine flavored Nature Valley bars.  

Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Answering


Over the last two years that I've been doing these Why Isn't Dante Dating? blogs I've never flat out asked people that I knew what type of woman I should date. I pretty much asked “...what kind of woman do you think would be good for me? You can make the response one sentence or as long as you want.” I honestly expected to get maybe five responses back and am surprised and happy by the amount of folks that replied. Thank you.

I was talking to my cousin last night and the topic of hobbies came up and how most of my ex's didn't have any and no matter how many times I've said “I'm not dating someone that doesn't have a damned hobby!” I've kept doing it. Then she mentioned opposites attracting and that sent me on a two minute rant. I also told a friend what I wanted. “I'd just say she should like food, not exercise much, enjoys penis, watches TMZ, hates politics, and reads books. And drives. Doesn't like makeup. Yeah. I think that's it.”

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Kids These Days 54

This is one of those stories where you'll either say “That poor kid” or “Good for his mama!” Me, I say “It should have happened for real!” because I don't have kids and tend to be extreme in my thoughts. Blame it on my social Asperger's or the touch of autism. Either way this kid had his mother Chiquita Hill of Columbus, Georgia scare the shit out of him because he was acting up. She was afraid that his bad behavior would continue and lead to him being in trouble with the law or killed in the future.

She said for weeks that her 10 year old son was being a problem in school and acting up. She said that talking to him about it wasn't working so she took another approach. “He's going through the phase right now, it's just in one ear out the other.” Employing the Scared Straight method she had police come to check his bad ass. “I'm scared for when they get older, how bad is it going to be?” She talked to the police about the simulation and they came, talked to him about his behavior, and tossed his ass in the back of a cop car for five minutes. Proud to say I am 36 and have never been in a police car. Handcuffed for suspected bank robbery, yeah, but never placed in the police car.

Friday, May 1, 2015

What People Care About This Week: Freddie Gray


Recently 25 year old Freddie Gray died after injuries sustained after his arrest in Baltimore by police. This has led to riots, protest, and multiple injuries. But first I'm gonna go back to what caused this to happen. I am gonna try and be as factual as I can be while writing this because this is all still under investigation and not all of the information has been released. Every day more comes out that makes me go “Okay, but...” and “I get that, but...”

To me a lot of what is wrong with this case, the people involved, and not to sound like a hippie, the system, is the procedures that are in place.

Gray lived at home with his two sisters, one of whom was his twin. He had been arrested a lot of times. A lot. It is shown that he was arrested 22 times for various crimes, primarily drug related and some assaults. There has been 20 cases against him in court with five of them still being active. I'm not writing this stuff to paint this guy as a criminal. He was a criminal. That isn't even a question. I'm just stating what I believe are facts. But criminal or not he didn't deserve what happened. 

Thursday, April 30, 2015

"Tawanda"


This story was originally written in 2009 after talking to someone about a female bully at my elementary school. No real names were used but similar situations were. 

"I'm uh beat yo ass."

Everyone heard her say it. She didn't even shout it. It was so quiet that even Ms. Washington, our lunch lady, heard her. She dropped her spatula. My brother Anthony started giggling. My girlfriend grabbed my hand.

"I don't wanna fight you, Tawanda" I tell her. And I don't. Tawanda has a record that Mike Tyson would've killed to have. One time she broke a teacher's finger for taking her glitter sprinkles.

"I don't care what you want, Maurice" she says. "I'm uh break you in half."

"Leave him alone, Tawanda" Anthony says. She looks at him and he takes a step back. "Calm ya little fat ass down. I'll hit a girl." Tawanda drops her sandwich and takes a step forwards. Anthony takes another step back. "I'm just messin' with you, girl."

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Johnny Panic: The New Hotness Part 4


Click here for previous The New Hotness.

You would think that being the only superhero in the world would make me immune to things like jealousy. It actually makes it worse. Its, like, why would anyone else get to win anything? You can dunk? Big deal. I pushed the moon that one time. Sure, the tides have been kinda weird since but that's whatever. You know people used to think it was made of cheese? Idiots. I know its not because I tried to eat some of it. You know what the moon tastes like?

Of course not because no one else but me could ever try!

Everyone piles into The Beast which Zazz hates and calls the “destroyer of worlds.” Yeah, its a big truck that gets negative miles to the gallon, but it looks awesome. Especially when it is flying through the air because I'm carrying it. Ronica made me promise not to do any tricks on the way which means they are gonna have to deal with me being bored for the next few minutes which then means I will have to occupy myself by singing Britney Spears songs. I make sure everyone is buckled in, the windows are up, and I fly off.

In case you're wondering I'm wearing tight camouflage pants, gray combat boots with gold stars on 'em, and a tight yellow t-shirt with Anthony Bingham's face on it. The pants are for conflict. The shirt is for war. Ronica tried to talk me out of wearing it. Aimee thought it was cute. Zazz could only fit it if he were 3. Its really tight. Leaves nothing to the imagination.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

"Strattera"


When I was 8 years old my parents were taken by aliens. No one believed me and the older I get the less I believe myself. I mean, I was a kid. I still believed in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny...and Dracula, the Wolf-man, and Frankenstein. I'll be 18 soon and these creatures that have been pretending to be my parents for the last decade need to die.

I've been studying their behavior all of this time and while they appear normal for the most part I have noticed a few things out of the ordinary. They have developed a distaste for salt and sugars. When I asked each of them why we were no longer allowing snacks that had them in the house anymore mom said “diabetes” and dad said “high blood pressure.” 

Either way, crumby food was kept in the house. They also got an aversion to bright lights which meant the house was now dark. I'm not talking regular dark. As close to pitch black as you can get dark.

When I first confronted them with my theory they put me on medication. Adderall, Focalin, Concerta, Quillivant XR, Ritalin, Vyvanse, Intuniv, Kapvay, and Strattera. All these did was harden my resolve. My parents knew that I knew that they knew something was up.

Its easy to get a gun today. You don't have to even see anyone. You just order them online. And that's what I did. I had to leave school early for three days to get the mail before my parents got home. So now here I am sitting on the couch in the dark waiting for them arrive. 

And when they do they better admit that they have been changed.