Monday, April 24, 2017

Just Talking With Dante Episode 22

In this random ass episode I talk about being sick, getting tired of having hair, my lack of enthusiasm, and Kim Kardashian's giant fake ass. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Dante Vs. Nature 66

Nature is like a god that will only send you to hell if you worship it. “That doesn't make sense” someone just said. No. You don't make sense. Much like nature. I saw a bat online and immediately said “Fuck you!” to it and decided to look up some other bats. Out of these three I only knew of the existence of one of them. Its the Megabat. Just by the name alone you know its trouble. This punk ass thing has a wingspan of almost six fucking feet. That is not fair. 

They say it only eats fruit but I think they are lying. They do not use echolocation like most bats instead having a great sense of smell instead. See, that way they can smell your fear and snatch you away from your adventurous friends on that stupid ass hike they convinced you to go on. You know how many people have died and the last thing they heard was “Oh, don't worry. It only eats fruit and bugs”? I don't know either. But I bet its in the dozens. Oh, and get this. They are reservoirs for the ebola virus. You even know what the fuck that means? It means they carry the shit but show no signs of it. Assholes. Flying in the air with they little dingalings just flapping in the breeze. Its gross!

My Current Jam: Random Ass Women

I am into the most random ass women at the moment and oversharing. The first is a fitness chick named Miche. Don't know the rest of her name. Don't care. I like looking at her. I don't even know what her voice sounds like. She is in her early 20's, from Tampa Florida, and is 5 foot 2 and 140 pounds most of which seems to be in two places. The fact that she is super young and into fitness means that automatically I am out of the running for being with her in any sense of the word. 

She is also into motivating people so I am definitely out. She is into guys with goals so we're pretty much beating a dead horse. What a terrible phrase that is. Her size (hips and all that shit) is available but it means nothing to me. Even when bra sized is explained to me in the simplest terms my brain just goes “Dolphins are so weird...” and I drift off. This chick is hot and tiny and I could fit her into my pocket. The only turn off I could find is when she said in an interview that she doesn't like Photoshop in her pictures and has cellulite and such. Its like when a 20 years old dude that should physically be at his peak saying he doesn't mind that he doesn't have abs. Its like, shut up. You'll mind one day. Anyhoot, cute chick. I'd smash. I love that term. Its terrible, but I love it and never get to say it.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Five Things I Learned Late

As smart as I was as a child there were still quite a few bits of basic information that I did not learn, was not taught, or never bothered to learn at an age appropriate time. I'm not quite sure how to describe the way I learned certain things while others just scooted on by. But there are some things I do remember learning or stumbling across and learning. These are Five Things I Learned Late. I know that you will read this and either laugh or feel bad for me. Don't. Feel bad that I ain't got any ass in a year or because I didn't taste a real mango until I was 35 years old.

How To Tie My Shoes

This one is a combination of parents that didn't give a damn and a lazy kid. I saw kids tying their shoes that were younger than me. I saw it on TV shoes. I knew that it was something I needed to learn, but fuck that. I was young and had shit to do. I didn't have time to be stopping to bend down and tie something I could just stuff into the sides of my shoes. Mind you, I waltzed into kindergarten knowing how to read and do math and at the age of 7 was reading at a junior high level. I just couldn't tie my shoes. It wasn't until I was 9 years old that I said “Guess its time to learn this” and did. It didn't take long at all. I just stared at my shoes, recalled some bullshit I saw on a TV show where a kid learned to tie his shoes, and that was it.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Folks Eating And Dying

I heard about two separate cases of people dying during some kind of eating/endurance challenges. The first was this cute ass 20 year old chick named Caitlin Nelson. Yes, the first thing I thought when I saw her before hearing her story was how cute she was. The second was that her dad died on 9/11. The third was that she was one of the most helpful people ever. And lastly that she died during a charity pancake eating contest. At this contest at her school Sacred Heart University in Fairfield in Connecticut she choked to death during the event. The official cause of death stated “asphyxia due to obstruction of airway by bolus of food.” I have never heard the term bolus in my entire life.

A policeman said that she started to choke on the food and someone noticed and helped her to the ground. They began CPR until police arrived two minutes later. The police tried to clear her throat but it didn't work and she ended up dying at the hospital. She was actually taken to one hospital and then another. Her family has stated that she was an organ donor so even in death she is still being more helpful than I'll ever be if you ave me another 38 years on this planet. After reading her story I thought “What a shitty way to go.” Just the other day my cousin asked me how I'd like to die. Fast or long. Fast meaning suddenly. Slow meaning I have time to say goodbye to folks and get shit in order. I picked fast.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Just Talking With Dante Episode 21

Jasmine is back and I am the happy! We discuss our Fat Tour (its a thing where we go to three or more places to eat in one day), ICDC is mentioned one of four times, discuss sushi, information at our fingertips, Jasmine makes fun of me for eating shelled peanuts, signs you're old and how to handle it, and Dante talks about a man crying like a little bitch. Click here for previous episodes.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Hot Mama Arrested

Whether you want to believe it or not, when you are a certain level of attractive you can get away with certain things in life more often than someone who is not genetically gifted physically. It also helps if you are a middle aged White woman who can wear the fuck out of some tight jeans. Seriously. That is a thing for me. If a woman can wear some tight ass jeans that look like they were sewn around her I get my pants. You should probably stop reading now if that upset you because I'm like reverse wine in a lot of ways. And I like women with mom bodies. This is 38 year old mother Brooke Lajiness of Michigan. She went to court a couple weeks back because she is accused of having sex with a 14 year old boy between eight and fifteen times (who's counting?) and sending butt booty ass naked pictures to one another. This began in the summer of last year. Know what I was doing summer of last year? Working and not even close to getting 38 year old White lady ass, that's what. I like her even in court. Not sure I like that shirt and scarf ensemble though. But no make up or jewelry? Tell me more!

Fake Booty Doctor Sentenced

Holy shit. There are some people I look at and it startles me. Oneal Ron Morris startles the fuck out of me. I wasn't sure if this was a woman dressed like a dude or a dude trying to dress badly as a woman. Turns out she is transitioning to a man. So let us pretend that I am PC and just refer to Oneal as he for the rest of this post. Oneal is in trouble for giving people bootleg ass injections and killing one of them. I am pretty sure I talked about this person on a podcast or something because, honestly, who could forget a face like that? Back in 2011 Oneal injected a woman name Shatarka Nuby with Fix-a-Flat, mineral oil, cement, and bathroom caulking to have a larger ass and hips. Nuby wrote a letter from prison to the court (don't ask) but ended up dying as a result of this “surgery.” There aren't quotation marks large enough for this shit.

Oneal was charged with manslaughter back in 2012 and just a month ago pleaded no contest to charges. Oneal was given 10 years in prison and five years probation which doesn't seem all that bad for murder death killing someone by sticking Home Depot products into their body. Oneal used the products on himself as well. Herself. Shit. I may have it backwards and he is transitioning into a woman. I don't fucking know. Either way, the results speak for themselves. I mean...look. That looks 100% natural to me. 

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Dante's Double Standard Corner 1

Hello. This is my first and possibly last installment of what I am calling Dante's Double Standard Corner. Every logical human should know that there are double standards in the world and in some cases choose to disregard the fact that some work in your favor depending on your race, sex, or country of origin. Black dudes are said to have big dicks. Women get into clubs free on certain nights and get free drinks because...women. And you never headbutt a Samoan because they feel no pain there. Source: wrestling. You still with me? Good. Or not depending on how far you make it. In this post I am going to talk about a teacher that slept with a student. I have written dozens o posts about this and depending on how hot the teacher is I'll express varying ranges of jealousy, envy, or desire to time travel.

This story involves 27 year old (meaning too young to be a high school teacher because she was, like, just there) Sarah Fowlkes. As you can see, she is cute. Not cute as fuck which is a term I've been overusing lately, but cute. She taught biology at Lockhart High in Texas since 2014. Reports say she is facing 20 years of convicted which made me laugh so hard I fainted, bumped my head, and forgot what love was. She turned herself in and took that chipper ass mugshot. Oh, and she was arrested just after her birthday. So...yeah. I hate when bad things happen on special days so every year she is gonna look forward to this personal disappointment.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Dante Vs. Nature 65

Sometimes I found out about an animal that use to exist and I go “Good. Now I can go to sleep.” An animal that I found about recently made me think this and it is known as an Entelodont or as its more widely known as a “hell pig” or “terminator pig.” Fuck this thing. I know I am getting mad at something that isn't real. Now you know how I feel when people curse the devil. 

This monster lived in North America, Asia, and Europe millions and millions ago so I'm pretty sure I'll sleep fine. It ate meat and plants and has been compared to vultures. So it would, like, stumble upon dead things and just start eating them. The big ass ones lived in Europe and North America and could get up to 6 foot 9 standing. Fuck every inch of that. It had a brain the size of an orange so I'm sure it was a completely docile creature. They, and by “they” I mean scientists that would probably recreate this monster if possible, say that this was closer related to whales and hippos than pigs. That don't even make sense. Are whales and hippos closely related? To the internets! Never mind. Its just some research papers with nerds arguing over DNA an' shit. I'll just stay happy that its gone. And next...mountain lions.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Friday, March 17, 2017

My Current Jam: Emayatzy Corinealdi

My Current Jam is Emayatzy Corinealdi. I don't know anything about her and didn't know that she existed until I watched her on the first season of Hand Of God. I saw her and thought “Holy crap, this woman is fine!” She is fine in that way that I miss from growing up. Like, when I was little someone would have that fine ass aunty (she'd only be like 25 but to me a grown ass woman) that I'd want. I would have laid my two inches on 'em in a second. I think I am complimenting this woman in a terribly roundabout way. What I'm saying she is hot in that approachable way that a lot of famous or celebrity type women are not. I think I could date a woman that looks like her even though I'd never attempt to say her name out loud.

Kids These Days 70

These are the kind of stories that just piss me off. Not at the kids involved so much as the parents of these kids. A 13 year old girl in some part of Scotland that sounds like the type of place you'd make up to sound Scottish got wrecked because she drank too many energy drinks. Her name is Caitlin Fraser and she loved to pound down two Emerge energy drinks a day at school because school is hard and you have to be sure that you are awake and case a shooter shows up. I know how kids are these days.

She left class to go do something for her teacher and she says she started to feel numb on the right side of her face. A few minutes later she says her hands started going blue and the right side of her body did the Truffle Shuffle and stopped working. “The right side of my face dropped and I was wondering what was going on then two minutes later my full right side had dropped and I had no sensation down my right side. I was really scared, my friends then told the teacher who went and got a first aider and the school contacted my mum and dad and then phoned an ambulance.”

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Just Talking With Dante Episode 20

In this episode I talk about dealing with punk ass gnats, a drunk ass substitute teacher, how hot Dawn Wells is, shouting out my window at drunk people, and how a raccoon now has emotional problems. Click here for this and previous episodes.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

My Current Jam: Solo Darling

I had this blog set up and ready to do about this wrestler named Solo Darling. She is what I call “cute as fuck.” I had her Wikipedia page bookmarked and I shit you not it was deleted. Not just deleted, but people hate this chick. Like...hate her. I went to another site that shows stats about her and her career and dudes have this ugliness towards her and I am sure I know where it comes from. It comes from that place every man, and possibly women, have where you like someone that looks attainable but you know they don't want you so you get mad and talk shit about them. Everything they say about her starts with her looks and then trickles down to her skills.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Just Talking With Dante Episode 19

Jasmine is back! In this episode we talk about new Thai food, Chuck E. Cheese, me wanting kids to get post-mad about Happy Meals, a man in Japan being crushed by stacks of porn magazines...possibly, Jasmine wonders about dangerous taste testers, I wonder why so many dangerous things in the wild look like berries, a trans-gendered high school wrestler, Beyonce, festivals, the Oscars, and Jasmine discusses her sadness at ICDC still being gone. Click here for previous episodes.