Saturday, April 19, 2014

Dante Vs. Nature 41

New images have surfaced (get it?!) of what is being called the Loch Ness Monster. I have heard about this thing ever since I was a kid and for years all that was around were either fake photos or that one that's fuzzier than pro-life logic. These experts on Nessy named Peter Thain and Andy Dixon had this to say. “When Andy got in touch at the beginning of the year, we finally managed to locate a device that had the image on it and asked some boating experts to look at it. They confirmed that while it looks like a boat wake, it cannot be a boat as there is no hull or superstructure visible. This is confirmed by the fact that there are clear images of other boats in the pictures.” I love that someone can be an expert in something that has not been confirmed to exist. That is like someone being an expert on my sex life. I am here all week, folks! But really, how many of you wish that this is real?

I don't think I want this to be real. Best case scenario it is just garbage or fake. Worst case its a fucking dinosaur and fuck those things. As cool as I thought it'd be as a kid to have a pet dinosaur the slightly more logical adult version of me just pictures these things running wild. You ever see those videos of when an elephant gets loose? People running, screaming, getting stomped. Now imagine that but ten to twenty times larger. Nope. No one needs that in their lives. If you told me a dinosaur was roaming around in this country I'd have no choice but to move. I don't want a dinosaur to get bored and mosey its ass to Los Angeles. I was just bragging the other day about how delicious I must taste. This sumbitch would make a beeline for my delicious body and start trolling fast food spots for more Dante's because I have such a robust flavor.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Only In Florida 12

If I told you a story about a pregnant woman who while left alone in a hotel as her partner was out gave birth to her two months premature child in a bathtub you'd call her a hero. What if I also added that she bit through the umbilical cord with her teeth because she had no other means to do it. And then she gave the child CPR to keep it alive for an hour to keep it alive. But then I ruin the whole thing by saying that she was on crack while all of this happened because Florida. Thanks to Heather for sending this madness to me because people who know me know I love crazy.

Pictured: champion.

Chrystal Hassell, 37, of Ocala, Florida was in a hotel room when she decided that crack was just what you do when you're pregnant and already have an 11 month old child. Her unborn baby ruins her crack habit by, you know, deciding to be born so it decided it wanted to come on out. She contacted her man, Vincent Terry, and he started racing to get back to her. He was pulled over by police who normally will help you out in situations such as this. But there was one little problem.

Terry was wanted for attempted murder in Colorado.

If You Can't Beat 'Em Lick 'Em

This weird bastard named Christopher Nicholas Hiatt who is 34 going on 63 was arrested outside of place called Pisser's Palace in Walkerville, Montana. That is a lot of bad on one sentence. Hiatt called cops to report a theft when they realized that there was a warrant out for his arrest. Hiatt is a man that looks like he isn't the type to go quietly into the night so of course he resisted arrest when they tried to handcuff him. When they tried shoving him into the police car he licked the eyeball of one of 'em. Ew! He is in jail on $45,000 bond and has been hit with four charges including felony assault on a police officer as well as assault with bodily fluid. There is a thing where folks like to lick eyeballs but the amount of diseases you can cause doing it or get having it done include styes, the clap, all the way to blindness. Fuck all of that. If I were a cop and you licked my eye I would have no choice but to beat you like a rug. But seriously. This guy is a year younger than me.  

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Human Traffic Cone

There's this chick in Australia named Kimberly Davis that doesn't have the proper amount of respect for human life as most others. Now, I know some of you are calling me a hypocrite since I call for death by potato and/or “helirocktors” (helicopter that drops rocks on people) every other day. But I don't go out of my way to be an asshole. Things have to come into my orbit, fuck with me, then the potatoes come out. This 21 year old was accused of texting while driving when she hit someone on their bike. He ended up with a spinal fracture and was in the hospital for three months. This guy suffered a ton of injuries because this girl wanted to text away on the phone. But that isn't the worst part. Poor Kimberly got a human sized dent in her car!

Click to enlarge
“I just don't care because I've already been through a lot of bullshit and my car is, like, pretty expensive and now I have to fix it. I'm kind of pissed off that the cyclist has hit the side of my car. I don't agree that people texting and driving could hit a cyclist. I wasn't on my phone when I hit the cyclist.” She was fined $4,500 after running dude over and driving away for 300 feet then refused to help him. Reports show she used her phone 44 times while driving before hitting him. She'll be getting her license back near the end of the year. The guys wife says that doctors told her that he was very close to being a paraplegic. I wish I could send my helirockters all the way to Australia and just level this girls car. Just dent the shit out of it. Then fart in her pillow and leave a note saying “You're welcome!” because I am a very polite person. But seriously. Helirockters.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Old Dick Forced To Stand On Corner

There are some people on the planet that just make me wish I had some kinda portable “This is Sparta!” hole to kick them into. This guy in Ohio, 62 year old Edmond Aviv was forced by a judge to holdup a sign while sitting on the corner. The sign says “I AM A BULLY! I pick on children that are disabled, and I am intolerant of those that are different from myself. My actions do not reflect an appreciation for the diverse South Euclid community that I live in.” He had to do this because his neighbor has a husband that has dementia and a bunch of disabled kids that she takes care of. This is that whole public shaming thing that is being tried out more and more.

He called the neighbor lady Sandra Prugh a “Monkey Mama” while she was holding her adopted disabled child that was Black and because when you feel the need to be a bionic dick you don't just stick the tip in he also smeared dog shit on the wheelchair ramp. This went on for 15 years which is about 14 years and 364 days longer than it would've if he was my neighbor.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

When US Airways Fail They Fail Hard

US Airways sure knows how to respond to a customers' complaint, I tell ya what. I never send messages to owners complaining about stuff. The furthest I've gone was writing a Yelp review to a restaurant that delivered me food about 2 and a half hours after I ordered it. When a customer named Elle sent something on Twitter and US Airways responded with an image that once seen can not be unseen.

I'm dragging my heels on purpose. This is me giving you a chance to opt out of seeing this picture. I saw the very uncensored version and made a strange sound. It wasn't quite a scream and it wasn't quite a moan. It was more of an underwater belch.

US Airways issued an apology after the picture was up for about an hour which is along time for this to be hanging up there. Of course they said that they will be looking into this incident. Some sites are saying the image is NSFW (Not Safe For Work) which is the understatement of the year. Saying this image is NSFW is like saying sticking your hand in acid may hurt. This picture is porn.

If you wanna see it click the “read more”below but don't get mad at me later.

I'm serious. You have no right to complain after looking at this picture.

Still here?

Okay. You asked for it.

Human Barbie With No Makeup

By now I think everyone has heard of the Human Barbie whose real name is Valeria Valeryevna Lukyanova. I have seen a Vice special about her and the pictures of her do not even begin to compare to seeing her moving and speaking. It seriously creeped me right the fuck out. Recently she posted a picture of herself without all the crazy makeup on and I was surprised at how normal she looked. I was just talking to someone the other day about how unfair it is that women can change their entire appearance and it is totally normal whereas if I showed up to meet someone and had a pony tail, colored lips, and my face was four shades lighter than the rest of my body they would be worried. “Dante, are you?” Of course! I just felt like being pretty.

Valeria says that the only surgery that she has had was on her breasts. Everything else is natural. I didn't believe her until I saw her without makeup. Now I believe her. A few months ago she said that she was going to stop eating food and drinking water and attempt to live on light and air. This is a real ting called Breatharianism where people believe that they can live off of a vital Hindu life force. Before you ask, yes, people have died trying to do this shit. “I'm gonna wake up and have a giant glass of sunshine! Mmm! Delicious!” Stop that, people. I wish I could feed off of electricity. Like, just stick my finger into a socket and get full of nutrients and not death. That would be cool. For any woman out there trying to look like this chick, don't. I've never wanted to run my fingers over a chick's ab riddled stomach. Yeah. Let the women of the world base their body shapes and lifestyle on what I want. Every woman would wear red draws.  

Kids These Days 36

People need to really stop using the word prank in the wrong way! In Dublin, Ireland this 17 year old boy is in a medically induced coma after he had a heart attack because his balls were squeezed too hard. After lunch he and some friends were grab-assing (or grab-dicking) when one of them decided to be totally hetero and jerk this kids nuts. He dropped and a teacher gave him CPR before he was taken to the hospital.

Isn't this FUN?!

The family of the boy do not believe that this was done in a “malicious way” or a “savage attack.” I say it is the definition of both! You don't just go around yanking on folks balls! There has never been a time where I was playing around with someone and decided to grab their junk. I have poked a chicks boobs and made a sound effect. Usually “Boop!” The kid is now in stable condition when he should be at home and not having a story to share that begins with “We were joking around...” and ending with “...after the coma.”

Click here for previous Kids These Days.

Only In Florida 11

This teacher in Florida was suspended without pay before eventually being shitcanned for allegedly ordering some students to kick another students' ass. When I first heard about this I was kinda skeptical. “No one can be that stupid” I thought but then the voice in my head that sounds like Charlie Brown said “Florida” and I nodded to myself in understanding. Dru Dehart got into a disagreement with a student and went all Godfather on his ass.

Allow it.

Radravious Williams...goddamn it. Really with this name? Anyhoot, the kid was surrounded by a pack of older kids and they went berserk on his ass. Dehart just walked away as the kid became a new sidewalk. After half an hour of deliberating about it the jury chose to have her fired and not, like, droptoe hold onto a steel chair. A representative for the school district said the teacher “made a very poor decision that day” in using “students to carry out discipline.” You think?!

Monday, April 14, 2014

This Rolling Stone Cover Makes Me Happy

I was watching the news when the brought up this new Rolling Stone cover with Julia Louis-Dreyfus being nude on it. This magazine only gets attention for covers they have because I doubt anyone takes the magazine seriously in terms of its ranking of music. Does anyone even read or get excited about this magazine anymore? People are laughing at the fact that the signature is on the wrong document and blah blah blah this 53 year old woman looks hot! I actually forgot that I had a crush on her when I started watching Seinfeld but this magazine brought all that back. This cover made me happy. I have no intentions of buying it or even trying to figure out what the article is about. I just like looking at the picture. I wish it didn't have all them damned words on it but whatever. This magazine I never read wasn't made for a perving ass dude like me. 

What do I know about her? She made me laugh on Seinfeld. She had a show that was canceled and is now on a successful one called Veep. Her dad is worth billions of dollars. Oh, and she is hot! You know what my favorite part is? The little dips on her lower back. Come on with the come on! That chick Fergie from Black Eyed Peas has it (or had it) in a video and I was not aware that dips were something I liked. She photographs terribly though. I never think about it. It just pops up and makes me smile a little. There's no real point to this blog other than to point out that the older I get the less I like women younger than 31 but older than 40. It is a comforting thought. It would suck to be my age and jonsing for some young sweet thang. I think I need to get to sleep. This moon that is taking forever to eclipse is making me act strange. And there is no need to tell me how airbrushed the picture is. Go tell some kid there's no Santa or that wrestling is fake.

Click here for previous Makes Me Happy.

Man Raped By Fake Romanian Angelina Jolie

A terrifying monster claiming to be an Angelina Jolie look alike was arrested for the rape and stabbing of a man in Romania. Luminita Perijoc, 31, said in court that she was on medication when she committed this shit. By the way, Erf. Be careful because “I am on medication” or “I forgot to take my medication” is the new “I was drunk and can't be held responsible for my actions.” The victim, Nicolae Stan, also 31, a cab driver was delivering wine to her home when she held him at knife point. Hmm. Sounds fishy. This all occurred in 2012 but just now wrapped up because everyone in that country is a vampire and night court moves slowly. It's all “Your honor, bleh!” this and “I object, bleh!” that. Stan showed up at Luminita's place when she whipped a four inch blade on him. I whipped a four inch blade on a girl once. She laughed at me. And by blade I mean my dick. And by my dick I mean this never happened.

So she undressed him and demanded that he go down on her. And by go down on her I mean oral sex. And by oral sex I mean he was forced fed poontang pie. I don't know about you but I am cracking myself up writing this. Anyhoot, after she got her rocks off she forced him to bone her two times. He couldn't get it up for a third session so she got made and stabbed him a few times. Listen, ladies. Not to sound crude or anything but the dick don't always work that way. Just because you're hot and even when we want to have the sex, that doesn't mean its gonna always get up. I have heard so many women say “No man has ever had a problem getting it up for me!” Read about my wangs adventures here

Good for you because the day it happens (and believe me, it will) you will cry tears of confusion and rage. Its science. Maybe he needed to rest a minute. Lucretia McEvil wasn't having none of that and Stan escaped to the bathroom where he was able to call police. 

Friday, April 11, 2014

We Going To Hell 10

Sometimes justice drags its heels so hard and long it makes sparks that are miles wide. Back in 2009 I was a very different person. Well...not really. But I can at least say that I was not the kinda guy that would pee in someone's coffee! Meet now 53 year old James Carroll Butler of Culpepper County, VA who now owes $5,001 to a co-worker whose coffee he decided needed a little extra kick. And by “kick” I mean toilet water mixed with piss and doo-doo residue for color.

Butler worked in the waste water plant which makes this whole story even sillier. You'd think he would know a little bit more than us regarding how to handle liquids. His co-worker, Utz, is the victim of this nonsense. Butler grabbed some water from the toilet using a soda can and waited for Utz to take a sip. Utz saw that there was a coffee pot that was full of pee sitting in the coffee maker and got suspicious. After smelling that unmistakable smell of pee he reported it to a supervisor meaning he did the complete opposite of what Dante would've done.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Dante Learns The 9th Amendment

It has been a while since I tried to learn the Amendments and as soon as I tried learning this 9th Amendment my eyes started crossing. This doesn't make sense to me and I'm wondering if its because I am trying to make more of it than there is.

“The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.”

This is by far one of the most confusing Amendments that I have come across. It reads like psychobabble. Even explanations of it confuse me. “The Ninth Amendment explicitly bars denial of unenumerated rights if the denial is based on the enumeration of certain rights in the Constitution, but this amendment does not explicitly bar denial of unenumerated rights if the denial is based on the enumeration of certain powers in the Constitution. It is to that enumeration of powers that the courts have pointed, in order to determine the extent of the unenumerated rights mentioned in the Ninth Amendment.”

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

"Man Called Frank" Part 2

Frank's lawyer Lawrence Wynn sat across from him at a large metal table tapping his fingers and starring at Frank as if he were wearing his shirt backwards but was too afraid to let him know. Frank looked down at his nails and realized that he had not been able to cut them for months. As a matter of fact he could do to have a shave and a haircut.

“They wanna hang ya” Wynn said. Franks eyes shot up. Wynn held his hand up to keep him from speaking. “This judge has a mean hard-on for murderers and ain't been able to execute someone in months. He, uh, Judge Labelle that is, even has the fucking hippies on his side. 'Hangin' will save the state thousands in funds for electricity!' He says its Green. Whatever the fuck that means.”

Frank opened his mouth to speak but only a rasp escaped his throat. He put his large hands to his neck and rubbed his Adam's apple. He imagined having a noose slipped around his neck as he starred out into a galley full of cheering onlookers.

“They don't hang people anymore, right?” Frank asked. Wynn shrugged. “Don't shrug. Fucking tell me something!” Frank screamed as tried to rise from his chair forgetting that there were shackles on his feet.

Only In Florida 10

Heidi sent me a link to this woman in Florida that ran out of shits to give and I think I'm in love. Sandra Suarez, 41, who is a Colombian woman that has lived in Florida for the past 15 years. Video from a local McDonald's popped up online showing her in the establishment wearing nothing but a thong and flashing her glorious Colombian boobs. I have a thing for that country. Never want to visit though. Just admire it from afar like I do most women in my life.

Double double cheese cheese burger burger please.

This all started when she went into a Mickie D's and offered an employee head in the parking lot. He turned her down for whatever reason and as I sit here I can't think of why. I mean, she looks “clean.” Maybe it was her delivery. Either way he said no and she decided that it was clobberin' time! In the video she is pushing registers off the counter. Smashing the fridge door. Slamming her head on the counter. Throwing condiments all over the place. Then she dunked her head under the ice cream machine and downed some of it and then chilled for a few seconds just savoring this strange new land she was currently occupying. She later walks off camera and near the fryer which is good for no one.

A cop eventually showed up and she made sexual suggestions towards him. She was sent to a hospital, charged with resisting arrest with criminal mischief and then released on $7,000 bond. She says that if this whole thing gets to be too much for her kids that she may return to Colombia.