Saturday, February 28, 2015

Famous Black Firsts: Rebecca Davis Lee

Rebecca Davis Lee was born in 1831 Delaware. She was raised by her aunt in Pennsylvania that took care of sick neighbors during a time where poor sick Blacks were not a concern. After moving to Massachusetts she started nursing by 1852 and by 1860 she was accepted into the New England Female Medical College at a time where this was not happening much at all. When she graduated in 1864 she was the first Black woman in the US to earn a M.D degree and the only Black woman to graduate from the college. 

After the Civil War ended in 1865 she went to Richmond, Virginia and began missionary work for poor Blacks and worked for the Freedmen's Bureau to give medical care to freed slaves. During this time male doctors would ignore her and pharmacists would not fill prescriptions she requested. With her husband Dr. Arthur Crumpler while living in Boston she took in sick patients in her community. In 1883 she published Book Of Medical Discourse which was for women teaching them how to care for their families. There are no pictures of Lee and the ones you see online are of Mary Eliza Mahoney as if no one bothered to check past one page on Google. I found an image of a wax statue made of her.

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Friday, February 27, 2015

Famous Black Firsts: Diahann Caroll

Diahann Caroll was born on July 17th 1935 as Carol Diahann Johnson in the Bronx, New York. As a child her parents enrolled her in dance, modeling, and singing classes. When she was 15 years old she was already 6 feet tall and modeling for Ebony magazine. After high school she went to NYU and majored in sociology. At 18 she appeared on a program called Chance of a Lifetime. She won $1,000 for her performance of “Why Was I Born?” and won for the next four weeks. She soon began performing at nightclubs. 

She debuted in film in the movie Carmen Jones as a supporting role in 1954. In 1958 she made it to Broadway in the musical House of Flowers. She performed in more series and plays and won a Tony Award for best actress for the musical No Strings which was the first for a Black woman. In 1974 she was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Actress in the movie Claudine

She became known for her role in the 1968 series Julia. This show made her the first Black actress to star in her own television series where she was not portraying a domestic worker. For that she won a Golden Globe for Best Actress in a Television Series and was nominated for an Emmy Award in 1969.

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Thursday, February 26, 2015

Johnny Panic: Superman Never Bragged 2 of 2

I fly back home and am still in a crumby mood. Stupid cops. Stupid city. Stupid poo waving hobo. I land and Ronica is standing on the porch with Milly floating with a tether attached otherwise she'd just keep going up. She wouldn't die in space or anything but space is big and finding a giggling baby in space is hard. Trust me. It happened once.

Ronica doesn't look happy.

“Hey, sexy ass” I say to her. She just looks at me. “Okay, fine. I screwed up.”

“Don't just say you 'screwed up', Walter” she tells me. Whenever she uses my real name that means she is mad at me. She's been using my real name a lot lately. “I told you to come back home because I knew you'd say something stupid.”

“You didn't tell me to come home you texted me” I say. Point: Me. “If you had called I would've known you were serious.”

“You need to fly back and apologize” she says. I laugh. She doesn't. “Don't make me call you mother.”

Famous Black Firsts: Astronaut Guion Stewart Bluford Jr.

Guion Stewart Bluford Jr. was born November 22nd 1942 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. After graduating from Penn State in 1964 studying aerospace engineering he joined the Air Force and served during the Vietnam War. There he flew over 140 combat mission and won medals because that is what you do. 

After the war he went to the Air Force Institute of Technology and got a master's degree in aerospace engineering and got a Ph.D in 1978. 

That same year he was chosen for N.A.S.A. In August of 1983 Buford became the first Black person to travel into space. He was a mission specialist on the Challenger shuttle and participated in the first night launch. Funny. I've never thought about that before. 

He orbited the planet 98 times in 145 hours. That sounds insane. He went on three more space mission, his last two were in 1991 and 1992. He retired in 1993 after spending more than 688 hours in space. I haven't even spent that much time in water! He was inducted into the International Hall of Fame in 1997.

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The Story Of Dante

Dante was born on the planet Mars in 1979. Many do not know that Mars carried life and they can not be blamed for their ignorance for only Dante was the only being there. After digging through 15 miles of crusty crust he emerged and set his sights on the planet known as Earth. Using only the power of his mind he was teleported to Los Angeles, CA which would become his new home.

Upon landing on Earth he was taken in by a family that attempted to contain his ridiculous levels of creativity. Thankfully he refused to conform to their standards. As a teen he longed to return to his home world or Mars but the discovery of a man-made material known as Fruity Pebbles and vagina kept his feet firmly planted on Terra. Dante studied the 1,124 Sacred Levels of Passion that were created by gods whose names have not been spoken in thousands of years and made it his mission to please women in ways that would make them damn any other man that touched them for they knew they would never feel this good again.

Johnny Panic: Superman Never Bragged 1 of 2

A guy has taken over a bank armed with a stick with poo on the end of it. No gun. No knife. Just a poo stick. This is how my week was starting. This is stupid and I'm not sure why the police even called me. But here I am. 9 in the morning and standing in the entrance of a bank watching this guy, obviously homeless, waving a stick in the air. He looks at me and there isn't a hint of recognition in his face which means he is like crazy because everyone knows who I am.

Johnny Panic.

He comes barreling at me and I sonic shout at him when he's a few feet from me. The stick falls to the ground a second after he does clutching his head and screaming. I turn around and the police come storming in. News cameras are waiting outside and I am just not in the mood. Or as Zazz used to say when we were kids and he didn't have the words to describe it “The Angers.”

Last week my mother had to get surgery. I took her to China because they are all about them stem cells and while she is recovering I've been super bummed out. Ronica has been good at cheering me up and was in the process of cheering me up with her mouth when I got the call to deal with this. The police captain doesn't even thank me. He nods and keeps on walking towards the guy on the ground while some officers put gloves on.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Famous Black Firsts: Alexander Lucius Twilight

Alexander Lucius Twilight not only has one of the coolest names ever created, he was also the first Black person in the US to get a degree from college. Born on September 23rd 1795 in Corinth, Vermont his parents were both free. His father was mixed race and a Revolutionary War veteran. 

When he was 8 he started working on a nearby farm and until he was 20 read and learned mathematics. From there for the next six years he completed all secondary school courses and the first two of college level courses. When he graduated in 1823 it wasn't even widely known that he was the first Black to get a baccalaureate degree until someone else claimed that they were three years later. He began a career as a teacher in New York while studying theology and ministry. 

After four years of teaching he moved to Vermont to continue teaching during the week and holding church services on the weekend. In 1829 he was hired as a principal and served as a minister. He then raised money and designed a dormitory for out of town students. In 1836 he was elected to the Vermont General Assembly making him the first Black to be elected to state legislature.

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Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Famous Black Firsts: Lillian Lincoln Lambert

Lillian Lincoln Lambert is known as the first Black woman to graduate from Harvard Business School. Born in Ballsville, Virginia she moved to New York after high school. The only work she could find was as a maid so she moved to Washington, D.C and worked in typing pools for the government and went to teachers college. When she was 22 she went to Howard University. There she met H. Naylor Fitzhugh who was one of the first Blacks to go to HBS and he became her mentor and eventually he convinced her to apply. 

When she arrived at the school she realized that she was the only Black woman there. In her class of 1,600 only 1 of 9 were Black and 35 of them were women. “In hindsight, it was best that I did not know. Had I known, I’m not sure I would have gone. It was a tumultuous time for the country. This was the era of the civil rights and women's rights movements. Martin Luther King would be assassinated the following spring.”They started a African-American Student Union to get the number of Blacks attending to increase. They increased the number within two years. Before she graduated she had not been interviewed for any jobs. She went back to her previous job and eventually became executive vice president of Unified Services. In 1976 she started her own company, Centennial One. What began with 20 part-time employees and an office that was formally her garage became one with 1,200 employees and made $20 million. By 1995 she was the first woman to serve the president of an international association of service contractors.

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Jigga What?!

A reporter from Cleveland named Kristi Capel that works, at the moment, as an anchor on Fox 8 News in the Morning is in some deep shit after using the term “jigaboo” to describe the singer Lady Gaga's music. While reporting on the Academy Awards with another anchor, Wayne Dawson, she watched the highlights of the show and let this sentence leave her lips. “It's hard to really hear her voice with all that jigaboo music that she does, or whatever you want to call it.” Then she paused for a moment and said it again. “Jigaboo. She has a gorgeous voice. I never knew. Very nice.” For anyone that doesn't know what that term means, here ya go.

Jigaboo: noun, plural jigaboos. Slang: extremely disparaging and offensive; a contemptuous term used to refer to a black person; used as a disparaging term for a black person. Jiggaboo or jigabo is from a Bantu verb tshikabo, meaning meek or servile.

Capel grew up in Northern Kentucky and was born in 1983 and is a former beauty pageant queen that went to some religious schools, studied public relations, meteorology, and broadcasting. After she realized that, oopsy, she said something offensive, she went on Twitter and said “I do apologize if I offended you, I didn't know the meaning behind it or that it was even a word” adding “Thank you for watching.” The same message was sent to multiple people. As someone that got a degree in public relations you'd think she would be able to whip up a better apology.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Famous Black Firsts: Director Gordon Parks

Gordon Parks was born November 30th 1912 in Fort Scott, Kansas. The school he went to was segregated because the town was so small that they couldn't afford to be non-segregated when he was a teen and while there Black were not allowed to play sports of go to any extracurricular activities. Parks says that once a teacher told him that going to college would be a waste of money. Sounds legit. 

When he was 14 his mother passed away and he moved in with other family members who quickly put him out on the streets. His first job was as a piano player in a brothel. I swear, those places must have been so much more prevalent back in the day. At the age of 25 he became inspired to start a career in photography. In 1940 he was encouraged to move to Chicago and he started a portrait business specializing in photos of rich women. In the 1950's he started working as a consultant on film production. Later on he directed his own documentaries about life as a Black in the ghetto. As well as being a photographer and a writer, he ended up directing his own book The Learning Tree in 1969 making him Hollywood's first Black director. Yeah. It took that long for that to happen. He also composed the music for the movie. His most well known film is Shaft. He's a bad mutha...

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Sunday, February 22, 2015

Famous Black Firsts: Performer Ethel Waters

Ethel Waters was born in Chester, Pennsylvania on October 31st 1896. Some say that she was actually born in 1900. Her mother, Louise Anderson, was around 13 when she gave birth to Ethel after being raped by a man named John Waters that knew the family. Ethel was raised in poor neighborhoods and moved frequently. When talking about her childhood she said “I never was a child. I never was cuddled, or liked, or understood by my family.” She was about 5 foot 9 ½ as a teenager which is worth noting because that is pretty tall for a chick period let alone back then. She got married when she was 13 years old but left her husband after abuse and worked as a maid. At 17 she attended a costume party and after being asked to sing wowed everyone to the point she was offered professional work at the Lincoln Theater located in Baltimore. 

She later toured the vaudeville circuit and despite being this successful at such a young age she fell on hard times and began traveling with a carnival in freight cars. By 1919 she moved to Harlem and became a famous performer during the Harlem Renaissance. In 1949 she was nominated for an Academy Award for the movie Pinky making her the second Black after Hattie McDaniel to do such. In 1950 she starred in the television series Beulah but left the show after disagreeing with the portrayal of Blacks on the series. This show was the very first series to star a Black person. Oddly enough Hattie eventually replaced her.

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Let's Talk Turkey by Dante Ross

The last thing Tyler could remember was looking down at his receipt as he removed his card from the ATM machine. He had a bad habit of walking away from the machine as it beeped, alerting him to the fact that he was not as smart as he told himself.


That was how much he had in his account and it was the most he'd ever had. For the last ten months he'd been saving money from every single paycheck from the mail room. Every ache and pain he felt during the long bus rides home, paper cuts, constant sneezing from dust, and unimpressed looks from dates he got for his occupation was worth it for that $9,483.07.

“Almost awake.”

Tyler froze in place. Awake? Where was he? Who said that? Was he asleep? It was now registering that he could not feel his limbs. He tried to open eyes he could not blink. “Wheeeeeeeeeeere...?” he droned in a voice he did not recognize as his own.

Dante Bitches About Cosmo 12 Things a Guy Thinks Article

I hate Cosmo. Besides thinking that it is secretly run by gay men that hate women and want them to hate themselves I also think it is run by women that think men are idiots and post articles pretending to be men that say idiotic things women and men believe. I saw this article called 12 Things a Guy Thinks When You Sit On His Face that was allegedly written by a guy. I am not gonna post all twelve things because each one is equally stupid.

And by the way, I didn't pick that picture of Nicki Minaj. They did. That is the picture they choose to discuss what men think about when a woman is sitting on their faces. The picked a chick with a scary fake ass making a scary face singing what only I can imagine is a scary song. Some of you only clicked on this link because of that picture. Every chair she sits on becomes a throne of lies. I am gonna write a few things that I have thought because I can only speak for other men when it comes to mistakes. And the picture I use is way hotter. Let's begin.

Michelangelo of Butt Injections Under Arrest

Padge Victoria Windslowe aka Black Madam aka the “Michelangelo of Butt Injections” is in court fighting the crime of third degree murder after the death of a 20 year old exotic dancer, meaning stripper, back in 2011. These women would come to what were called “pumping parties” where they would have their asses injected. Now, you tell me that I am invited to an ass injection party then my brain goes to a whole other place. This is either gonna be the best party ever of the stuff of nightmares. 

There is one chick named Stephanie Matos of New York that told the jury that she paid $1,000 back in 2008 to inject her ass and she was filled with industrial-grade silicone. For anyone that isn't quite sure what that is, it is a sealant. Its not what fake boobs are filled with. Not the same thing. Black Madam don't care about that shit so she pumped a London chick full of the stuff, glued it shut with cotton balls added, and sent her on her way in a airport hotel. District attorney Carlos Vega said “What they didn't know was that this was not medical-grade silicone but silicone for machines, for use on tanks by the military and to lubricate car engines. It was poison.” But...big ass!

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Don't Matter Just Don't Bite It

Quinno sent me this damned story earlier and all I said was “Nope.” A guy in Oklahoma almost lost his penis after his girlfriend, 31 year old Amber Ellis, tried to bite the damned thing off. This is another one of those stories that proves that women don't fight fair and take things to an 11 when a 4 is appropriate. After spending a night getting their drank on they ended up in an argument. By the way: if I am drinking and get into an argument I don't drink with that person ever again. 

While he was sleeping on the couch because that is where guys go after fights with women they wanna fuck later he woke up to having his dick treated like a chew toy. Somehow in this process she also hit him in the head with a laptop. Don't look at me. I don't know either. The reason they fought? He accused her of being too needy. He went to the hospital and got multiple stitches to fix his junk as well as being treated for injuries to his head (both of 'em), neck, face, and knee. That girl went bananas on his ass! Ellis was booked on charges of maiming as well as assault with a deadly weapon. Do they mean the laptop or her teeth? She is being held on $45,000 on each count which doing my LAUSD math means...millions.