Tuesday, October 21, 2014

The Enabler: "Good Cop" Part 1 Of 3

To read more of The Enabler click here to download a free book in any format as well as a few of my other books at Smashwords. Thanks to everyone that has and shared so far.

There's always one policeman that you can't buy. In every town, city, country, or even village there is the one who got the idea that truth and justice made the world go 'round and without it there would be complete anarchy. These men and women dedicate their lives to protecting the helpless and innocent from the boogieman.

Today, I'm the boogieman.

Officer Anthony “Call Me Tony” Lopez is sitting in my waiting room. I have yet to replace Ira after her...early termination, so I'm letting Tony settle for a few minutes before speaking to him. A client that works for the police has been informing me that for the last eight months Officer Lopez has had what he described as “a wild hair up his ass” for me and wanted to take me down. Not for the glory or recognition.

But because it is what's right.

I've managed to avoid Officer Lopez all this time due to the fact that I have been very busy. Over the past few months my clients have increased by 65%. It has been difficult keeping up with all the business I've been getting. Difficult. Not impossible.

Nothing is impossible.

Dante Bitches About Us Magazine (Renee Zellweger Caught In Crossfire)

Renee Zellweger has a new and different look. That is a nice way of saying that she looks like a new human being. When Miss J. posted a picture on her Facebook if she hadn't said who it was in the picture it would have taken a long time for me to guess this was actually Renee. I am using her first name because fuck typing that long ass name out.

Now, I am not against plastic surgery most times. When I hear people I know that want to get it I just nod and silently disagree. Most surgery that you choose to get like a nose job or some kind of nip and tucking you have to do it more than once. You don't have it done, look great, and spend the rest of your life happy as hell. Most things people want to change make them special. 

Your nose can be a little crooked or big and it makes you cute. Get it changed and you'll start wondering why you don't get compliments anymore. There are far too many examples of celebrities and singers changing their face and having to deal with the results. There is upkeep involved, especially if it looks bad.

Welcome to bad.

After Miss J. posted the picture I went online to read about it. US Magazine which is known for garbage and straight up lying wrote about Renee at a recent red carpet event. Now, she has stayed out of the public for a while and I think I know why.

Woman Falls In Love Then Gets Stuck In It

In the past I have said that I wish a chick was obsessed with me. Of course it would have to be like in the movies where she is cute and goes from church girl to porn star just by removing her glasses. This chick, 30 year old Genoveva Nunez-Figueroa of Thousand Oaks, took the wrong route with her obsession with a guy she met online. She tried sneaking into his house through the chimney like some sex crazed Santa Claus and got her dumb ass stuck. A neighbor heard her whimpering and crying before calling 911. They heard her at 5:45am and by 8:15am she was free...and then arrested for illegal entry and giving false information. They ended up having to lube her with wine and stories about how strong they are. Or dish washing liquid. Both seem plausible. Her bail is set at $2,500 and she is due in court today.

The guys house that she was trying to get into is someone she had met online and went on about six dates with before he broke things off. God, I wish I could interview him and hear why he decided to stop seeing her. I bet she hinted at marriage. Try that shit too soon and a guy will leave faster than a tree. He met her online, people! Chances are he wanted to get some action and just wasn't honest about it because its the internet. You only have to be sorta honest. Hell, you can lie about your sex if you want. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Five Things I Learned Going To Mental Therapy

We're all fucked up. Sorry if this is how you had to find out, but its true. The only perfect man to ever exist died years ago so that we may have a better life. And we shall never forget you, Thomas Wayne. Through your death, Batman was created. You may be surprised to know this, but I have been to therapy. Yeah, I know. I'll give you a few moments to let that sink in. Deep breaths, everybody. Deep breaths.

A lot of people tend to use their friends as therapy which is good for you but not so much for friends. I was talking earlier with a friend about how certain people in our lives will just dump all their shit on us, feel better, then go about their day causing more mistakes just to have something to talk about later. In this Five Things I Learned Going To Mental Therapy I'll talk about my experiences in getting my brain parts examined...good and bad. These are all actual pictures of me used by the way.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

I Hate This Show Episode 18: I Cant See No One Else Smiling Here

Batman and Bane sing Common People, Boss Ni**er is the best song ever recorded, Dante tries to pick up a hooker, Buffalo Bill sings about Street Life. You should just skip right past this and read one of my blogs. This is just stupid. Click here for this and previous I Hate This Show.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Camel Kills Over Coke

Miss Jackie sent me this story about a man that was murdered by a camel in Mexico. Now, the fact that a camel killed a human being is not shocking. Camels are assholes. “Ooh, look at me! I got back fat so I don't have to eat for a while!” Jerks. What I didn't know that camels were vengeful bastards. A 60 year old man from Chicago named Rick Mileski who owns an animal sanctuary of his own was kicked, bitten, and sat on by a camel. This, I believe, is the actual camel. Smug ass. It is being said that on this faithful day that Mileski did not give this camel a Coke, which he normally did, the camel wasn't having that shit and went boots to asses on him. The rescuers had to use a truck with a rope tied to it to even pull the damned thing off of Mileski. His animal park has been closed down and all the wild ass animals removed until an investigation is done. I don't know what's to investigate. Don't fuck with folks Coke.  

This Is Doom Mates

This is an image of the main cast of Doom Mates. Just click here to see some of the ones I loaded on Funny or Die a while back. I have been playing around with special effects on the computer and enjoying it.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

I Did Unmentionables To A Stuffed Animal

You think you love stuffed animals? Pffft. You don't love 'em as much as Sean Johnson of Florida. This 19 year old guy loves stuffed animals so much he can't control himself. While at a Wamart in Brooksville he grabbed small horse from a clearance rack and decided to do the damned thing with it right in the store. But first he had to set the mood. He took the stuffed horse to the bedding aisle and whipped out his junk. He pressed it against the horse and began thrusting. And this was all recorded making it the second worse sex tape after Paris Hilton's. I shit you not, if I worked at this store I would be watching this tape every damned day and dying laughing. I mean, I worked in a porn shop and saw some weirdness, but I wouldn't expect to be at Walmart and catch some dude giving the how do you do to a stuffed animal.

And before you ask the answer is yes. He finished. Because he is a champion. He as charged with criminal mischief, indecent exposure, and posted bail at $1,500. He even released a written statement that is way funnier if you imagine the sound of horses in the background.

Dante Vs. Nature 45

They recently released a list of the most rat infested cities. Of course this was done by Orkin so you shouldn't believe it completely, but still, fuck this list. Now, in the 14 years I have lived in my apartment there was one rat issue and that asshole was in the ceiling. I never saw it and had it eliminated before things escalated. When I was little my Grandmama had rat issues. See one dart out the corner of your eye and yelp...then run after it. We were animals. Here are the twelve most rat infested cities listed and when you get to number two you'll see why I'm so pissed off. When I think of places just full of rats I imagine those movies of the future where rats are like flies in Africa. You don't even swat them away. Oh, look. A rat. It's the future so we may have to eat it later. Let it fatten up on its brethren. That's how it works right? Yeah. I'm sure it is. Hey. Survival of the fittest and all that. 

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Five Things I Learned Creating A Resume

There comes a time in most people's lives where they will have to fill out a resume. This is never a fun process. It either points out that you have had some pretty shitty jobs, too many jobs, not enough jobs or experience, or in plain print shows you the bad career choices you've made. Here is a post I wrote previously about what I learned being unemployed. Click here to read that.

In this Five Things I Learned Creating A Resume I'm gonna talk about all the good, the bad, and the lies that comes along with creating a resume that will hopefully land you that sweet job sitting behind the desk all day writing on Facebook and complaining about how your talents are being wasted while your boss is paid three times as much as you and is so dumb they don't even know you're not working.

Dante Bitches About Esquire Sexiest Woman Alive 2014

Most times when I bitched about magazines ranking one particular woman over another it is with outrage. I get mad whenever Rihanna is number one on any list. This time Esquire came out where their Sexiest Woman Alive 2014 and my reaction what more of “...what?” rather than “What?!” The winner, if you want to call her that, is Penelope Cruz.

And I don't get it.

Of course everyone has their own definition of what is sexy and what makes someone sexy. Cruz isn't sexy to me at all. She never has been. I've seen quite a few of her movies and not once did I ever think “Wow, this is a sexy woman.” I never even thought that she was all that talented. Apparently there are a shit ton of people that disagree with me.

I read the interview with her and it is all about bullfighting. Not her watching it. Not her doing it. Not her taking about it. But the writer of the article needed to fill space so he wrote more about bullfighting and what Cruz ate more than anything.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Wanna Date A Happening Girl?

I saw this article about this Japanese group that was created for a reality show called Happening Girls. These chicks are planning to date and/or marry a fan. You just have to be between the ages of 17 and 30 as well as live in Tokyo to join the group and be cool with wearing bikinis in public. The guy that runs the sow, Teruki Aoki, said “We are positively encouraging our fans to meet and date the girls. How they get on and how far they go is up to them. But they're contracted to let us into their private life and share in their relationship.” I've tried to find some of their music and there is none yet. The girls at the moment are 20 year old Manaka, 22 year old Saaya, 26 year old Kaori, and 25 year old Eri. I'm not sure who is who, but that girl third from the left is likely getting the least amount of action. The one all the way to the right? Thumbs up.  

I Hate This Show Episode 17: A Mouth Is A Mouth

Batman (as Day-Day) and Bane (as Craig) reenact a scene from Friday, a recently released gangster rap about life in prison, Bane in American Gangster, and An Itsy Bitsy Spider movie trailer. This is stupid. Don't bother listening to this unless you like shaming yourself and anyone that can hear. Click here for previous I Hate This Show.

Adding this extra player until the other one stops acting up.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Dante Talks About Ellen Burkhart The 26 Year Old Virgin

While listening to a show I heard about an article written by Ellen Burkhart about how hard it is for her to find a guy once she tells them that she is a virgin. I'll post a link HERE if you want to read all that she wrote. As usual, I'll have what she wrote in quotations along with my thoughts.

“I should be better at sharing this bit of information by now. I'm a 26-year-old woman with a college degree, a good job, an adorable duplex and no debt. I have a solid group of friends, a supportive family and a clear awareness of who I am and who I want to be. By most accounts, I am a successful human being. Yet the moment I have to tell the guy I'm dating that sex is not an option, I become a squirmy, awkward, fidgety girl who can't make eye contact or put together a complete sentence. Think junior high dance, only without a bathroom to hide in.”

I have a problem with that paragraph. In all that she listed she did not tell me anything about her that would make me want to be her friend, let alone date her. She listed the things that are stereotypically things that women care about when wanting a guy. Stuff. Shit. What they own. How they get along with people. I once listened to a chick complain to another one about her shitty choices in guys. Not once did she say anything about herself personally.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

"Royce" Part 15 (End)

Click here for previous "Royce."

"Just put that shit down, baby girl!" Oberon said to Lady. "Why you always gotta be pointin' guns an' shit at a nigga? Can't we talk it out?"

"I have been waiting years to take yo ass out" Lady growled at Oberon.

"I know you ain't still mad about the heroin shit! That was years ago! Not like I fuckin' stuck that needle in ya arm..." Oberon said while keeping his hands in the air. Anne was not near to calm her down so he had to choose his words very carefully. Not one of his strengths.

"Nigga, you did stick that needle in my arm! Did you know I lost that baby after that shit?" she screamed. "Did you?!"

"That's sum fucked up shit, fo' sho'. But ain't like you wanted a baby, right? Am I right?" he asked. "So the way I see shit you owe me for doin' you a favor" Oberon laughed. Lady fired two shots at Oberon, one hitting him in the shoulder. "Stop fuckin' 'round, Ladine!" he shouted.

The thing he hated so much about Albany's mansion was the thing he loved: the size of it. He crawled behind a couch and fished underneath for his gun. Lady fired two more shots, on of them missed him by less than an inch, knocking his diamond stud from his ear.