Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Dante's Double Standard Corner 1

Hello. This is my first and possibly last installment of what I am calling Dante's Double Standard Corner. Every logical human should know that there are double standards in the world and in some cases choose to disregard the fact that some work in your favor depending on your race, sex, or country of origin. Black dudes are said to have big dicks. Women get into clubs free on certain nights and get free drinks because...women. And you never headbutt a Samoan because they feel no pain there. Source: wrestling. You still with me? Good. Or not depending on how far you make it. In this post I am going to talk about a teacher that slept with a student. I have written dozens o posts about this and depending on how hot the teacher is I'll express varying ranges of jealousy, envy, or desire to time travel.

This story involves 27 year old (meaning too young to be a high school teacher because she was, like, just there) Sarah Fowlkes. As you can see, she is cute. Not cute as fuck which is a term I've been overusing lately, but cute. She taught biology at Lockhart High in Texas since 2014. Reports say she is facing 20 years of convicted which made me laugh so hard I fainted, bumped my head, and forgot what love was. She turned herself in and took that chipper ass mugshot. Oh, and she was arrested just after her birthday. So...yeah. I hate when bad things happen on special days so every year she is gonna look forward to this personal disappointment.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Dante Vs. Nature 65

Sometimes I found out about an animal that use to exist and I go “Good. Now I can go to sleep.” An animal that I found about recently made me think this and it is known as an Entelodont or as its more widely known as a “hell pig” or “terminator pig.” Fuck this thing. I know I am getting mad at something that isn't real. Now you know how I feel when people curse the devil. 

This monster lived in North America, Asia, and Europe millions and millions ago so I'm pretty sure I'll sleep fine. It ate meat and plants and has been compared to vultures. So it would, like, stumble upon dead things and just start eating them. The big ass ones lived in Europe and North America and could get up to 6 foot 9 standing. Fuck every inch of that. It had a brain the size of an orange so I'm sure it was a completely docile creature. They, and by “they” I mean scientists that would probably recreate this monster if possible, say that this was closer related to whales and hippos than pigs. That don't even make sense. Are whales and hippos closely related? To the internets! Never mind. Its just some research papers with nerds arguing over DNA an' shit. I'll just stay happy that its gone. And next...mountain lions.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Friday, March 17, 2017

My Current Jam: Emayatzy Corinealdi


My Current Jam is Emayatzy Corinealdi. I don't know anything about her and didn't know that she existed until I watched her on the first season of Hand Of God. I saw her and thought “Holy crap, this woman is fine!” She is fine in that way that I miss from growing up. Like, when I was little someone would have that fine ass aunty (she'd only be like 25 but to me a grown ass woman) that I'd want. I would have laid my two inches on 'em in a second. I think I am complimenting this woman in a terribly roundabout way. What I'm saying she is hot in that approachable way that a lot of famous or celebrity type women are not. I think I could date a woman that looks like her even though I'd never attempt to say her name out loud.

Kids These Days 70

These are the kind of stories that just piss me off. Not at the kids involved so much as the parents of these kids. A 13 year old girl in some part of Scotland that sounds like the type of place you'd make up to sound Scottish got wrecked because she drank too many energy drinks. Her name is Caitlin Fraser and she loved to pound down two Emerge energy drinks a day at school because school is hard and you have to be sure that you are awake and alert...in case a shooter shows up. I know how kids are these days.

She left class to go do something for her teacher and she says she started to feel numb on the right side of her face. A few minutes later she says her hands started going blue and the right side of her body did the Truffle Shuffle and stopped working. “The right side of my face dropped and I was wondering what was going on then two minutes later my full right side had dropped and I had no sensation down my right side. I was really scared, my friends then told the teacher who went and got a first aider and the school contacted my mum and dad and then phoned an ambulance.”

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Just Talking With Dante Episode 20


In this episode I talk about dealing with punk ass gnats, a drunk ass substitute teacher, how hot Dawn Wells is, shouting out my window at drunk people, and how a raccoon now has emotional problems. Click here for this and previous episodes.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

My Current Jam: Solo Darling


I had this blog set up and ready to do about this wrestler named Solo Darling. She is what I call “cute as fuck.” I had her Wikipedia page bookmarked and I shit you not it was deleted. Not just deleted, but people hate this chick. Like...hate her. I went to another site that shows stats about her and her career and dudes have this ugliness towards her and I am sure I know where it comes from. It comes from that place every man, and possibly women, have where you like someone that looks attainable but you know they don't want you so you get mad and talk shit about them. Everything they say about her starts with her looks and then trickles down to her skills.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Just Talking With Dante Episode 19


Jasmine is back! In this episode we talk about new Thai food, Chuck E. Cheese, me wanting kids to get post-mad about Happy Meals, a man in Japan being crushed by stacks of porn magazines...possibly, Jasmine wonders about dangerous taste testers, I wonder why so many dangerous things in the wild look like berries, a trans-gendered high school wrestler, Beyonce, festivals, the Oscars, and Jasmine discusses her sadness at ICDC still being gone. Click here for previous episodes.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Dante Vs. Nature 64

Stargazer Fish

You see this thing? Fuck this thing. This is a Stargazer Fish. I never knew this thing existed until today and I could've lived the rest of my life not knowing that this thing lived in the sea. The ocean is already this place where everything that the bible describes will show up when the Rapture arrives lives. Just imagine going deep sea diving and everything is going well. You and your foolish spouse decide that it is a good idea to put oxygen tanks on your backs and go searching for...stuff. I don't know what people do underwater except pray. You look down and this goddamn thing is staring up at you. How quickly would your ass go flying up back to the surface? Too fast. Next thing you know you got the bends. You don't even wanna know what that shit is.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Just Talking With Dante Episode 18


I am back again and so is Jasmine! We talk about hanging out and eating burgers at Father's Office, Jasmine mourns the loss of ICDC donuts, Jasmine bullies Dante, owning a pet and pet owners, watching an animal video that is supposed to be uplifting but is terrifying, pregnant famous folks, the consequences of fame, not knowing how to approach women, fans ruining concerts, the 18 year old that was kidnapped as a baby finding her real family, old thugs on bikes, what I would do if I found out my parents were not my parents, and boring family. Click here for this and previous episodes.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Sextortion

That is a totally new word now. Another day another teacher sleeping with a student. Now, in most of these cases its a female teacher with some kid that is living most young boys dreams. This time I actually feel kinda bad for the teacher. I know that is a silly thought but hear me out. This all took place in Texas at Raul Quintanilla Sr. Middle School where Thao “Sandy” Doan was the PE teacher. 

Of course she was the PE teacher. There is something about PE teachers and things just being off about them. You just kinda wait until they do something terrible. I know someone reading this is a PE teacher and getting mad...and sweating because they know I am not lying. You can admit it. You strange. Anyhoot, she and a 14 year old boy have been messing around for the past year and a half. She talked to him online and eventually had sex in a park in 2015. Ew. They then had sex a few more times late last year. 

I guess shit went sour at some point because the boy, who is now 15, started extorting Doan for money texting her things like “watch ima start getting the pics and everything ready...to show the cops right I anit playing.” Thank god she wasn't his spelling teacher because goddamn that grammar. Turns out he had gotten about $28,000 from her! She was arrested last week and posted bond and of course is on administrative leave. Every time I see some honked up story I wanna know how these kinda kids are made. Like, what super secret recipe of bullshit is required for a child to turn into this.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Just Talking With Dante Episode 17


In this episode I talk about the rain, space station footage, I encourage people to chill out on having kids for a while, the Delve In show, bad float tank experience, people filming everything, gorilla and Skynet, and the smell of lavender. Click here for previous episodes.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Float Lab Westwood


So Wednesday I went to the Float Lab location in Westwood. I had been to the one in Venice twice (click here to read about that) and loved it. The first time I went alone and the second time I went with a friend. I had been planning on going back for the longest time and just kept not doing it. So after some mental back and forth I decided to go to the Westwood one. I shouldn't have. Full disclosure: I put a lot of pressure on myself before going and did not have the proper mindset.

On the way there the bus driver let this obviously crazy guy on and he and another crazy guy got into a discussion about god which crazy people like to do. I got there early and walked around Westwood and was reminded of why I don't like going to Westwood. As I waited in front of the location I saw street construction happening. I hoped that I wouldn't be able to hear or feel it while in the tank. I head inside and me and some other guy are in the waiting room. The place looks nice. Very clinical but dark. Very different vibe from the Venice location which I prefer.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Kids These Days 69


Sometimes there are stories that I find out about and it just makes me want to interview the perpetrator or the parents of them and just ask “How come? What can I do to make sure none of my friends kids turn out like you?” I also think there are some crimes where instead of jail I suggest an island where they are given backpacks with various weapons and they fight for survival. A “battle royale” if you will. Either way, this 17 year old girl Lestina Marie Smith is a great candidate for my island idea. She is charged with raping a man. You hear that? It was the sound of thousands of men and women rolling their eyes. Yes, it makes a sound.

So Lestina—by the way. Watch what the hell you name your kids. Anyhoot, Lestina, from Michigan, raped a guy 19 year old guy at knife point. At knife point she made him give her oral sex and regular sex. She has been charged with two first degree felony criminal sexual assault charges. If she is convicted, which she should be, she can get life in prison. Even if she gets off on one charge she can still do life. Of course ignorant ass people are questioning whether or not a man can be raped. Let me just grab some random comments from people on Facebook and the dumb shit they are saying.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

No Jacking In Jacksonville

I am a man of loose morality. I have openly said that if you can't get any ass from your spouse that you should get it somewhere else and in the same breath proclaimed that people that spit in the streets should be shot on sight. I sometimes ask myself “Who does it hurt?” like in this case where a 70 year old lady was arrest at a massage parlor for wanting to jerk an undercover cop off. Her name is Sun Hee Nmn. I'll just call her Sunny for the rest of this. 

Sunny gave this cop a $70 massage which seems like a lot of money and as if I should be charging some women back pay in my personal life. When finished she asked if he would like to have an even better day for $60 more. Little did she know that he was a park of Jacksonville's let's stop adults from making each other feel better sting and she was arrested for prostitution and being an unlicensed massage therapist. Like you need a license to rub somebody.

The name of the parlor, Jax Therapy which I am not making up, had been under investigation for prostitution. Sunny was released after posting $4,000 bond and really that is all that matters. No one gives a fuck if two adults are making each other come. Well, one adult making the other come. Sounds like a marriage to me. If one or both of them were teens or kids, sure, jail time for someone. But if I could walk into a place and get a rub and tug for about a hundred dollars I would consider this the greatest country in the world. Many comedians have put it this way but let me try to explain to you how silly this all sounds.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Johnny Panic: Street Walkin' Cheetah Part 2 of 3



After drying Milly off by just flying in circles quickly which she loves I decide that we should head over to L.A and visit my mom. Hopefully my brothers aren't there. Yeah, I know I barely ever talk about them and its for a reason. Not just because they are boring, jealous, haters. I mean, that would be as good a reason as any but its mostly because they are haters that are jealous and boring. They haven't even met Milly yet which is ridiculous. Its not like they don't know the worlds only superhero had a kid. They are just dicks. My mom tries every few months to get us all together but it never works out well. Its fine with me either way. My life is awesome.

I come in high and fast to avoid any attention which is proof that I am becoming more mature no matter what Ronica says. I land, remove a loose piece of seaweed from Milly's shoe, and head inside. I have a key. “Mama love!” I should. Milly laughs. My mom comes out of the kitchen and rushes over...to Milly. She picks her up and hugs her. Milly starts to float lifting them both off the ground. “I missed you too, mommy.”

“Oh, stop being jealous” she tells me. “Look at her! She is so cute! Why does she smell like Venice Beach?”

“Its actually Poipu...”

“Either way she needs to be washed” she says and heads to the kitchen with Milly. Yeah, they are both still floating off the ground but my mom somehow knows how to guide Milly to where she needs her to go. She starts filling up the sink with water. “You cant have your baby running around smelling like wet hobo.”