Thursday, December 18, 2014

Gollum Vs Batman Rap Battle

This time its Gollum versus Batman in a terrible rap battle! Click here for Buffalo Bill versus Bane.
 

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Five Things I Learned Dealing With Insomnia


Ever since I was a kid I've never slept well. I would eventually fall asleep to the sound of my brothers either talking on the phone or watching TV and wake up at the ass crack of dawn when my father would for work. Let's just say from 11pm until 4am (KFWB!!! News 98!!!). That was normal to me until I got older and friends would talk about falling asleep at 10pm and waking up at 8am. That just sounded ridiculous to me. Who needs that much sleep?!

As I have gotten older my sleep has not gotten any better and there have been times where I've had full blown insomnia. I'm not talking about a day or two of not sleeping. I'm taking about days, weeks, and at the worse 30 straight days of living in my own personal Zombieland. In this Five Things I Learned Dealing With Insomnia I'll talk about some of the things I learned during these times. I once looked up hypomania and it sounded like some shit I was going through. Click here to check that out.

Sleep Is For The Weak


There comes a point where I would just accept that I was not going to fall asleep. After a few days of this I would eventually say to myself “Screw sleeping! I'm getting some much more done. Plus, I don't even feel tired!” I would go to work and laugh at those that were sleepy or showed up late because they overslept. Why weren't more people just not sleeping? It was awesome!

I Hate This Show Episode 27: Don't You Dare Close Your Eyes


I take Darth Vader to a whole new world, a new porn site called Ass Box has everything you want and more, and Sweet Sugar Stick Sam Bowtie sings the national anthem for way too long. Continue to ignore this the same way you do everything else that I produce. Click here for more I Hate This Show.

Saturday, December 13, 2014

While You Were Sleeping: Tamir Rice Shooting


There was another shooting and death of a young Black a few weeks ago. For some reason this one didn't get as much attention as other. 12 year old Tamir Rice was shot and killed in Cleveland, Ohio by a cop. This is all on video so I think people need to stop asking for cameras on police thinking it is gonna stop them from killing people. Eric Garner was choked and died on crystal clear footage in broad daylight by New York police and that guy wasn't even indicted.

That's for another post. Back to this story.

Officer Timothy Loehmann, who is 26 years old, responded to a call of someone with a gun. This is all on tape. He showed up, the kid reached for his fake gun, and was shot and killed. When seeing the video I said to myself two things. “Wow! That cop didn't wait for his car to stop moving!” and “Why the hell was that kid waving a fake gun around?!”

Friday, December 12, 2014

Everyone Wants You To Feel Bad


I made the mistake of watching the news earlier today. There were concerns about flash floods, mudslides, and deaths because of the rain. Mind you, I live in Los Angeles, and we have been experiencing a drought for quite some time. This weather was needed yet there are people already complaining because the ground is wet. What I find odd is the surprise people have when their homes flood in areas where homes flood almost every year and mudslides and fires occur in the same spots. We actually have a “fire season” here.

Then there are the news stories about people being murdered. Cant forget those. Then the kidnappings, the rapes, the robberies, the sexual assaults. Next we head overseas where people have been fighting the same wars for decades if not hundreds of years. Diseases ravaging countries.

But then you look outside and everything is fine.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 2



I check myself in the mirror before going to meet whoever it is that is paying me a visit. Knowing Mr. W. Scott its Sad Sack waiting to pounce on me. I wish my father had taught me to fight. Any fight I've ever been in ended because of bodily fluids. Mine. Not theirs.

I head down the hallway and two guards appear next to me. I'll call them Thing 1 and Thing 2. Thing 1 is a large Mexican man that has his arms covered in tattoos. Thing 2 is a large Black guy that smells like cigarette smoke. Neither of them talk to me so I take it upon myself to break the ice.

“Are you two related?” I ask. They don't reply so I continue. “Do you know who I'm going to meet? I do hope that whoever it is they brought candy. Or whiskey. I'd do anything for a shot of whiskey. Anything. You hear me, brother?” I nudge Thing 2 and both of them hook me under my arms and drag me. “Wheee!” They take me to a room that has two chairs, no windows, and a table. It looks like an interrogation room. They shove me inside and lock the door. “Do I tip you guys?”

I sit down in one of the chairs and drum on the table. Not voluntarily. My hands are shaking uncontrollably. After what feels like half an hour Mr. W. Scott enters the room. He looks at my hands and checks something off on his clipboard.

“Stand” he says. I do. “Someone is here to see you. As they speak to you I will be nearby. If there is any violence, verbal or physical, I shall intervene at my discretion. Any violence on your part will result in your immediate expulsion from this facility. Is this understood?” I nod. “Bring him in.”

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

My First Time Episode 2: Getting My First F


In this episode I talk about the very first time I ever got an F in school for one of the silliest reasons why and what effects it may have had on my future. Click here for the previous My First Time.

"Solus Ipse" Part 5


The Jake's arrived at the newsstand and silently gave each other high fives for getting the Fairplay case. Jake Y. looked at the dead cashier and almost gagged for a moment when he got a good glimpse of the ink pen sticking out of his neck. Jake S. stood around not knowing where to begin. Jake R. saw what was quickly happening.

Excitement overload.

The Jake's had not been a part of a case this big in over a year. Jake R. pulled everyone together and motioned with his head for the area to be cordoned off. More officers arrived and began moving lookie-loo's and gathering potential witnesses. Jake Y. swallowed his vomit and smiled.

“This is so bad ass” he said. “Am I right?”

“You are so right its not even fucking funny” Jake S. said. “Donovan and Pritchard are gonna be so fucking pissed when they find out we got the case now.”

“They seriously will” Jake R. said. His phone rang and he snatched it up. “Hello? Yeah. Yeah. Ha! You wish! No, this is our case now, sweetie. Aw, you and your boyfriend mad at us? Too bad.” Jake S. snatched the phone away from Jake R. and continued talking.

“Hey, Donovan!” he shouted. “We can't believe you let this Fairplay fucker kill someone else! And what's even better is that we got it on tape! Yeah. Cameras behind the counter so we know who we're looking for. You don't even need to come to our crime scene. What?” Jake R. took his phone back. 

Kids These Days 48

A 17 year old teenager in Maryland is in trouble for giving his teacher a pot brownie. He decided that school was just too rough and was eating it in class when his teacher asked for some. That's weird. So he gives her some and she started feeling ill meaning great. She went to the nurses office and then told police that she suspected that she may have been given a pot brownie. The kid was charged with administering a dangerous substance, as well as reckless endangerment. Jesus. Its just pot. 

Besides the kid being a jackass for eating a pot brownie in class, I wonder why the teacher asked a student for what they were eating. These damned teachers are getting too comfy with kids besides the whole having sex with them stuff. I've never had a teacher that would've seen me eating some Crunch Tators and asked for a few. And if I did I would've said no. Mostly because I was a stingy asshole. 

Click here for previous Kids These Days.  

Crap Chronicles IV


If they gave out badges for oversharing I'd get it. I hate public restrooms. I find it hard to use them for number one's let alone number two's. But this series of stories is about number two's and I swore I'd written about this before but I can't find it. This story involves Little Tokyo, video game awards, and a porta-potty.

KP and I had tickets to the Spike TV Video Game Awards and I was going to meet him at his place and then we'd hop on the subway to downtown L.A. I headed to his house and he wasn't waiting outside like we'd planned. Someone that lived in his building opened the door and I came in criminal style and went to his place. I'd been there once before when we filmed a movie. I hear a TV on inside and knock and no one answers. I wait a minute and repeat this. I get mad and head outside and wait some more and it looks like its gonna rain.

Fuck it.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

"1 22 2377"


Note: This is a short story I did a few years back and am posting it again after some editing and such. I like finding these because if I can get back into the right frame of mind I can finish stories like these up. Hope you enjoy it. Hell. Hope I enjoy it. I haven't read it in years.

THE DATE IS JANUARY 2ND , 2377. GOOD MORNING!

Die.

Fucking alarm clock. I sit up in bed and stare at it for about ten minutes until my eyes begin to cross. A small robot that looks to be a cross between a cricket and a bear slides across the floor. A smooth, white material that was not invented until about 200 years from when I should have died by natural causes. This little abomination stops at my feet and stares at me with its unblinking, soulless eyes. These things can smile. I didn't like that so I disabled its mouth. Now everything it says comes out slightly muffled and low.

“good morning, rod” it chirps/sings at me. “what are your plans for the day?”

I didn't like when my ex-wife asked me that question and I don't like baby machines doing it. Fucking future. Its nothing like it was supposed to be. I stand and kick at this thing and it moves. I end up kicking a small metal table next to my bed instead. I cut my big toe and the robots panic.

I Hate This Show Episode 26: Douze Points


In this random ass episode I tape a add for a chocolate place my friend in Ireland enjoys from her review, Quinno and I rap about zombie apocalypse, the real trailer for Terminator Genisys, and Buffalo Bill raps against Bane. This is the worse. I know I've said that before but this time I mean it. Click here to download this and previous I Hate This Show.

Girl Gets Revenge On Bully...I Guess

There's been a story making its way around the internets about a young 22 year old chick named Louisa Manning from Cambridgeshire which its safe to assume is in England or something. She got revenge against a guy that used to bully her when she was in junior high. For those that don't know, junior high is where you learn to be an asshole. Its the training ground for figuring out what kind of human you will eventually become in terms of personality. I can't think of someone I thought was a terrible human between the ages of 11 and 14 that became an incredibly nice person.

So Louisa is out and a guy likes what he sees. He talks to her and asks her out to dinner. So the day comes and she stands him up. Instead she has a letter that the waiter delivers to the guy. This is what the letter said to him. She also posted it on her Facebook page.

“Hey, so sorry I can't join you tonight. Remember year 8, when I was fat and you made fun of my weight? No? I do – I spent the following three years eating less than an apple a day. So I've decided to skip dinner. Remember the monobrow you mocked? The hairy legs you were disgusted by? Remember how every day for three years, you and your friends called me Manbeast? No perhaps you don't – or you wouldn't have seen how I look eight years later and deemed me fuckable enough to treat me like a human being. I thought I'd send you this as a reminder. Next time you think of me, picture that girl in this photo, because she's the one who just stood you up. - Louisa.”

Monday, December 8, 2014

Five Things I Learned From Relationships


It seems like lately I have been talking more about relationships than I normally do. I know people that are engaged, married, single, wanting to date, wanting to date but know they are too fucked up to, and people that wish they were single. Me, I am single and not only know that I'm too fucked up to date but the longer I stay single (its been over a year since I got some stank on my hang low and moments since I lost a friend because of this sentence) the more I realize how hard it is to date another person.

I've written blogs about why I am single (click here for those) but this time I'm gonna write about the Five Things I Learned From Relationships. There will be some good and some bad. Mostly bad. Because I'm a dick. Deal with it.

You Gotta Be Friends


I have said this so many times to people. I have known people in relationships where if they weren't having sex with one another they wouldn't even be talking to each other. Even if you like someone I think you should wait a few months before doing the horizontal mambo. Why? Because assholes are really good at hiding it sometimes! There is nothing worse than finding out someone is a dick (this goes for women, too) after you've already slept with them.

Quinno and Dante Zombie Apocalypse Prep

Quinno “Can you imagine trying to masturbate during the zombie apocalypse?”

Dante “Oh, that's gonna be awesome!”

Quinno and I decided to talk zombie prep. We got on the topic of how each of us would survive a zombie apocalypse. Our views vary and we discuss what weapons we would use, who we would travel with, how we would catch food, whether would we eat humans or not, what we would taste like, if you have sex during the zombie apocalypse, the trouble with children during the zombie invasion, dealing with troublemakers, what you wouldn't eat from a human, entertainment, why Quinno wants to eat everyone, why Dante wants to chase sweaty White people, apocalypse hygiene, why Quinno won't eat a horse, and so much more in this nonsense fest. And because we care we've included a rap song we did at the end! 

Click here to download this.