Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Johnny Panic: Check Your Privilege Part 2 of 3

About ten minutes after we left that photography place and Zazz continued to lie about never taking dick pics Ronica called to let me know about an accident on the 10 freeway. I wasn't doing anything but quietly judging my best friend so I decided to head over and help. I got there and kinda made the situation worse.

The scene of an accident is already full of chaos. Having the world's only superhero show up to help doesn't...help. People tend to stare and take pictures instead of handling business. I land next to a car that is smoking and gonna blow up any second and half on top of this lady. I go to snatch it up and an EMT screams at me.

“Panic, stop!”

“How come why?”

“Her legs are underneath! Suddenly moving the pressure can make it worse!”

“That doesn't make any sense.”

“This is my job! I know what I'm talking about!”

“So...I should leave?”

“Put out the goddamn fire and let us do our job! Please?”

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Dante Bitches About Glamour Magazine Women Of The Year Complaints

Some people use their anger or hatred like a shotgun. They will be mad at one thing and end up buck-shooting something that was a little bit too close. I'm more of a sniper with mine. I focus, aim, and go after one topic. Glamour magazine released their Women Of The Year for 2015 and people have been losing their shit for a multitude of reasons because of this. Some because they hate transgenders. Some because they hate anything Jenner/Kardashian related. Some because they do not believe that Caitlyn Jenner should be included in the category of Woman Of The Year.

Don't get it twisted. This isn't Time magazine. It's fucking Glamour. I won't say it doesn't matter because it is a fashion magazine or whatnot but I get upset when they make Batman's cape too short but I will say...it doesn't matter. One writer who wrote a post that was full of all the anger said “By choosing Jenner as woman of the year, Glamour endorses the idea that men are better at being women than we are.” She also mentioned ovulating and having four daughters who I hope do not inherit her anger. She also pointed out the example of “Martine Rothblatt, a transgender woman, graced the cover of New York Magazine as highest-paid female CEO in the nation. Apparently real women can't cut it, so we've got to import men into our ranks to win awards.”

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Johnny Panic: Check Your Privilege Part 1 of 3

“Now just a little to the left...perfect!”

Another day.

“Okay, now smile...that's...okay...great!”

Another photo shoot.

“Give me a little flight, Johnny! Just a...oh, good god!”

This guy loves his job too much.

“And...we're done! Thank you so much!”

I'd love my job too if I had the pleasure of taking pictures of me for the day. Sometimes I take dick pics for the hell of it. I'll send them to Ronica even though she is laying right next to me. She will sigh and the next thing you know I'm flying to another state to grab her something she likes. Its a bartering system and the key to a happy relationship. When women are full of food they like they can't protest the sex. I read that somewhere.

My bestfriend Zazz is off to the side texting while we're in this studio. Probably his wife. Nerd. I bet he has never sent his wife a dick pic. He's not that type of guy. He's the type to send a selfie while at a restaurant or of the food he is eating. I'll never understand how he got a chick like Aimee. Its on some Billy Bob/Jolie level shit.

Dante Bitches About People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2015

People Magazine has released their Sexiest Man Alive nonsense and of course I'm not happy with it. 40 year old David Beckham won which is bullshit because his first name is not Ryan and his last name is not Gosling. He pulled the humble shit that people that win this type of award tend to when he was told that he had received this. “It's a huge honor. And I'm very pleased to accept.” As if he would say “Nah. I'm good.”

“I never feel that I'm an attractive, sexy person. I mean I like to wear nice clothes and nice suits and look and feel good, but I don't ever think of myself that way.” Shut up your lying liar that lies! To me Beckham is a guy that played soccer, or professional kickball to the rest of the world, and then married a Spice Girl. Not even the hottest one either. Its Scary Spice in case you're wondering. Fuck, that woman is hot. Anyhoot, I used to see his mug on all the British tabloids when I worked at the porn shop and thought “Fuck this guy. He's throwing off the curve.” Then I heard him talk and felt better.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Dante Vs. Nature 58

This guy named Paul O'Leary learned what I have known for years: the ocean is natures dinner plate. While swimming at a new beach in Hawaii he was bitten by a damned shark. He thought he had hit something sharp until he saw a part of himself hanging off. This is the part where I would change the color of the water. He started doing a backstroke while calling out for help. Another nude swimmer spotted him and helped him to shore.

When he was pulled ashore all O'Leary was worried about was the fact that he was butt booty ass naked while people arrived to help him. “There's about five people putting pressure on the cut and I told them I wanted to get my clothes on. So we got them and we kind of put it on.” The shark severed nerves and tendons in his leg and he got 50 stitches. “If you've never gone swimming nude, you gotta try it. You feel very free...there's very little resistance.” Nah. I'm good.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Miss BumBum Pageant Winner 2015

It is that time of the year where a pageant is held to crown the lady with the best ass in Brazil! Yes, this is a yearly thing which makes sense because when I think of Brazil I think of ass. And Children of God. And that spider that can bite you and make your penis so hard that it explodes. You think I'm making that up but I'm not. This is a real pageant. Oh, you thought I was still talking about that spider. No, I am talking about that Miss BumBum Pageant, son!

This years winner is Suzy Cortez. Mind you, this is about ass. Not, like, her face and stuff. Asses seem to be very important in Brazil and Black people of course and has now become a thing all over the world. Brazil accounts for 13% of plastic surgery in the world but you cant have a fake ass and enter this contest. I'll get to more on that later.

Cortez is a 26 year old fitness model and she and 500 other chicks competed in this pageant. I'm not even sure what the prize is other than a ton of people knowing you have the best ass this year. “I've been preparing myself for the past four months. I've always wanted to win this contest. I dedicated myself completely. I dieted and did rigorous training.” That entire sentence is funny to me. She's always wanted this and trained hard the last four months.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Dante Vs. Nature 57

This woman in Indiana found out the hard way that dogs are evolving when it shot her ass. 25 year old Allie Carter had her shotgun on the ground while she was hunting and her dog somehow managed to step on it and it went off. She was hit in the foot and had to be treated at two different hospitals. Guess the dogs name. Trigger. I shit you not. This isn't a picture of the actual dog but it is a black lab. Why the lab gotta be black?!

I bet that at some point she took one of those dog shaming pictures and Trigger just waited for his chance to strike and when he had it he took it. Every year there is a story where someone gets shot by their dog. I'd be too embarrassed to go to a hospital if this happened to me. I'd end up having some innocent person arrested from making some far more exciting story up.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Young Brothers Worked As Young Pimps

Two teenage brothers are being charged with running a prostitution ring. They are 15 year old Dionte Hunter and 17 year old Thaishaun Hunter. These names, I swear, these names. They were running their lemonade stand from their home in Spokane, Washington. Their business was found out because of a backpage.com ad and after Thaishaun was arrested earlier this year for a shooting.

While his phone calls were being checked while he was locked up at a juvenile detention center investigators caught wind of a conversation about promoting prostitution. In this call the brothers talked about a 14 year old prostitute making all the money with Dionte saying that she “looks too young” and her “face is fucked up.” In another conversation Thaishaun talked to a 16 year old prostitute that complained about not wanting to work because Dionte threatened to hurt her. In yet another call where another prostitute talked about Dionte beating the 14 year old Thaishaun said “You talking too much, these phone calls are recorded.”

In another call between the brothers that bragged about making $1,000 in eight hours and how their online ads were “poppin' off.” The phone number to contact them for some young sex was their mothers phone number with investigators figuring that she knew what her sons were doing. A 20 year old prostitute, Aaliyah Johnson, told police that Thaishaun was giving 25% of the money she earned to his mom. For whatever reason mom has not been charged yet. The 14 year old told police she worked with Johnson but was “not a victim.” She also said she was in the ads. This is just a whole pack of winners.  

Monday, October 26, 2015

Just Talking With Dante Episode 1

For this random series where I'll just be talking to people in my life about random topics my first guest is my cousin Jasmine. This is her first time on any of my shows. We talk about our love of food, Thousand Island dressing, her recent trip to Bali and why that place of all places, my lack of traveling or treating Vegas like Vegas, where she plans to travel next, and my strong belief that I could land a plane if need be. Click here if you want to download this.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Kids These Days 60

Some kids are assholes. Just gonna put that out there. You may have a kid that you think is great but to the rest of the world they just sigh and roll their eyes at them knowing that they are gonna be a shitty adult at some point. This 14 year old girl from Virginia is named Aliya May and she was suspended from school for a month and facing assault charges after tossing a carrot at one of her former teachers in the hallway, hitting her in the forehead.

Now, someone just said to themselves “Its just a carrot. You can't hurt anyone with a carrot.” That isn't the point, assbutt. You also have not seen Shoot Em Up with Clive Owen where he kills a guy with a carrot. The point of this is that a kid should never feel so damned comfortable in their position as a human being that they think throwing anything at an adult is an okay thing to do. Administrators say that the carrot was used as a weapon but Aliya said it was a joke. Ha.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Fear Totes McGoats

In Buffalo they have a new mascot for the Niagra Falls Solid Waste Education & Enforcement Team and it is creepy as hell. Its name is Totes McGoats and looks like someone heard a funny rhyme on the internet and said “This will help teach the kids how to recycle. And not sleep. Yeah. Definitely no sleep for the children.” Look at that thing! Its like an old drawing of the Devil! 

Mayor Paul Dyster said “I guess you would say Totes is a cute animal mascot, kind of scary actually. But having an animal mascot we think is one of the ways that you can reach out to kids and get their attention.” 

There is no kid that will look at that and do anything but be afraid. If I turned the corner and saw this I'd throw my wallet at it, scream, and pray to Cthulhu before simultaneously shitting myself and puking. I don't like it. That mayor is lying saying this thing is cute. Its a beast. And why does it have the expression like its eating a soul? Answer: because it is. Yours. Mine. Everyone. Fear Totes.

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Advice

Whenever I feel like angering my blood I know I can just go to Cosmo online and check out their advice column. They tend to give very long winded answers to questions I would answer in five seconds if a friend asked me. So I bitch about it. That is what this is. This time there were two that stood out. The way this goes is someone will ask a question, some Cosmo writer that hates women or is a social justice warrior will respond, and then I put in my two cents. Got it? No? You need more coffee.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Johnny Panic: Father/Daughter Fieldtrip

“Why does our daughter smell like ashes?” is not a question many parents have to answer to.

But I'm not like many parents. For one, the entire world knows who I am. For two, other parents are better liars than I am. Can't wait till Milly is old enough to grasp the concept of Santa Claus. That fat, red liar got all the credit my mother deserved growing up. I won't lie to my child! My lady...that's another story.

“I think she got into the chimney” I say to Ronica. Ronica is my lady not my wife. I call her my wife sometimes. She's dragging her heels on getting married until she loses all the weight she gained when she was pregnant with Milly. She's five pounds lighter than before she was pregnant. Its a lie. I'm just returning the lie favor.

“We live in Hawaii” she tells me.

“I know, right?!” I say. “And its so beautiful here...”

“And we don't have a chimney.”

“What kind of home has no chimney?!” I ask, genuinely shocked at this turn of events.

“Don't try to change the subject.”

“This will not stand!” I shout. Milly laughs and shouts as well which makes the pictures on the wall wobble and Ronica wince. “I refuse to raise our child in a chimney-less home! Pack your bags, sugarfoot. We're moving!”

Friday, October 9, 2015

While You Were Sleeping: McKayla Dyer

There was a school shooting last week and another one in Arizona this morning that is still developing. Meanwhile an 8 year old girl named McKayla Dyer was shot and killed by an 11 year old at a trailer park in White Pine, Tennessee and no one mentioned it. Back in the day a young, White kid being killed would dominate the news but in todays world it barely makes headlines. Its not sensational enough. Not enough blood. Not the right race to get attention. No cops in involved. Just a kid killed. Its sad but true.

The 11 year old shooters name is not being released due to his age but he may be tried as an adult. It is being said that the boy shot McKayla because she would not let him see her puppy. He got his fathers shotgun and shot her in the chest. Her sister witnessed this. When police arrived she was unresponsive and was pronounced dead at the hospital. The boy and his family were taken to the Jefferson County Sheriff's Office to be interviewed. The father asked for a lawyer to be present during the process.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Kids These Days 59

I am a dream killer. I know this about myself. Well, dream killer may be too strong of a term. Hope slayer. Wish smasher. Goal crusher. Those sound nicer. I saw this story a little bit ago of this 11 year old kid named Tyler Armstrong that plans on climbing Mt. Everest. I heard this and thought his parents hated him. Why would you let your kid do some shit like this?

Yeah, he's set some other records in the past (climbed Mount Whitney in a day when he was 8, he was the second youngest person to make it to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania at 9, he was the youngest to do Mount Aconcagua in Argentina, and in August Mount Elbrus in Russia). But its fucking Mt. Everest. This isn't something that will be done over the weekend. He will have to be there for over a month in conditions made to kill humans. “I'm really excited that I can actually go to Mount Everest, experience the mountain and get to the summit” Yeah. And I was excited about sex until I had it.