Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Kids These Days 58

You can find an asshole anywhere, even in a daycare center. Two women, 22 year old Erica Kenny of Cranford, NJ and 28 year old Chanese White of Roselle, NJ were both charged with fourth-degree child abuse after staging fights between children at the Lightbridge Academy Daycare and even being dumb enough to film some of them because we can not do a single thing (sex, child birth, concerts, eating) without filming it. When Cam sent me this story I immediately thought these people needed to be hurt and assumed someone recorded it. The school does have those cameras where parents can check up on their kids but no cameras are on the playground where the fights took place. As a former child I can tell you for a fact that the most violence took place on the playground.

As far as they know one fight took place in August. Kenny is the one that filmed the fight on her phone and posted it to Snapchat because she is stupid and thinks that because videos disappear from the site that no one can record them. In the video she encourages the kids to fight each other and even references the movie Fight Club which is stupid because if anyone in Fight Club had a camera they would have been beaten to death.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

We Have A New Champion Of Penis

Baby's got dust on his diamond! 52 year old Roberto Esquivel Cabrera of Mexico is now in the World Record Academy for having the world's biggest penis. Just how big is it? 18.9 inches. That is almost as tall as four damned soda cans! This shit is scary! That's like taking my penis and adding 18.8 inches. 

Guinness are a bunch of no funners so they don't have a category for this type of thing, but its undeniable so someone had to give the poor bastard something. I mean poor in a literal sense because dude can't get any work because of the hog between his legs. He can't even get no love from the ladies because they are afraid but I'm not sure you'd really want a woman that could take that much man meat.

“Look where it is, it goes far below the knees. I cannot do anything, I cannot work, and I am disabled so I want authorities to declare me as a disabled person and give me support” he said in between deep breaths since so much oxygen is needed just to supply blood to his dick. I totally made that last part up but it could be true. He says he has no friends and people don't want to talk to him. What a bunch of assholes. Its not like he's that dude that had the 200 pound ball sack. He probably walks funny but its not like he is just tripping people with his shit.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

What People Care About This Week: Live WDBJ Killings

People are going to be talking about this for the next few days so I felt that I should write about it. Recently at work someone asked me if I had heard about the Paris train attack and I said no. When asked why I said “I try my best to choose what I absorb.” What I mean by that is I barely watch the news, don't care much for world issues, and the only things that I pick up on are from social media or friends telling me. I'm comfortably ignorant. I know some people will read that and sigh or feel bad for me. Don't. This is a nice place to be. This post will be about a shooting that was aired on live television. You probably shouldn't keep reading this if you're sensitive. 

During a live on the scene broadcast at 6:45am WDBJ reporter Alison Parker who was 24 years old and 27 year old cameraman Adam Ward a former employee of the news station Bryce Williams aka Lester Flanagan walked up and shot and killed them. The lady being interviewed, Vicki Gardner, was shot in the back and as of this writing in surgery. Ward's fiancee was in the control room when this happened and saw him shot.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Tale Of A Thirsty Counselor

When I first saw this story I could not believe how thirsty this teacher was. In most stories I write about with a teacher getting buck wild with a student my 16 year old self gets incredibly jealous at the fact that so much action was going down in school while I stood around staring at the walls wondering why I wasn't getting some stank on my hang low. This is not one of those stories of jealousy. This is about 40 year old college prep counselor/swim coach Emily Fenney and her getting fired for chasing after a 16 year old high school student who didn't want anything to do with her.

Police started investigating Feeney about three months ago after they were told about the fact that she was participating in some thirst based texts to a 16 year old. Fenney is a Harvard graduate that told this kid that she had connections and could help him get onto the swim team at Harvard if he would just give up the goods. She started sending him pictures of her that I'm sure she thought were sexy and even a topless one. Ladies, here's a pro tip for you: if you send a straight male of any age a topless picture and he doesn't respond immediately do not continue pursuit. Hell, if a woman sends me a picture of her calf I'm ready to put a well sized hole in my screen.

Dante Vs. Nature 56

Hey, you wanna swim with a tiger for just $200? You do? Okay, jackass. Have at it. This place in Florida called Wild Things has a new attraction called “Swim With A Tiger” where you can bake cookies and learn about tigers in their natural environment. I'm kidding. Your dumb ass can swim in a pool with a tethered tiger. You can also pose with them so your friends and family can know what you used to look like. 

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Dante Vs. Nature 55

Hahaha! Stupid bear! This guy in Idaho named Doug Harder who also happens to have the best porn name ever took this picture of this stupid bear getting his head stuck in his cat door. Reports speculate that the bear was looking for food. Maybe it was looking for some good conversation. Of course it was looking for food and by food I mean people. Harder came home from vacation and found his condo wrecked. A bar got in through the sliding door and ate some brownie mix, a can of Pepsi, and a Toblerone bar. Pepsi? Ew! Kill it! Then it took a mean shit in his living room.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

New Dresser

I ordered a dresser online from Walmart last week and got it today. Stupid me I thought that it would be really easy to put together because the people online said it was. It was easy in theory. If I had a screwdriver that was made for my big ass hands or a power drill it would have been done in an hour. But combined with the heat and just not sleeping properly and hating everything I could see for a few days it was harder than it needed to be.

I gutted my closet last week by getting rid of three garbage bags worth of clothes, a ton of random nonsense, and a very large dresser I didn't need. I had wanted to get rid of it for years and just kept putting it off and working around it. I'm happy with how much more space I have and that my closet is cleaner. I've never been someone that held on to a lot of things for no reason so throwing things away is easy for me. It also helps I moved so much growing up so I can't get too attached to physical things.  

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Grown Ass Man Tips: Cheating

There is a line in an old Dr. Dre song where he says “If its your ho in my ride then its your ho you check.” In layman's terms it means “If your girlfriend is in my car and you have a problem with it take it up with her because I am not the problem.” I have always liked that line but as I get older I appreciate it more for its efficiency in so few words. There are a lot of people that get upset that their lover or whatever is with someone else messing around and get mad at the person they are messing around with. Hell, there have been hundreds of movies, TV shows, and songs dedicated to someone getting revenge because of this. To those that say they would never cheat I'll wait for you to get back to me after you finally do. If you haven't been cheated on welcome to the world of dating or you just never found out. 

I've been cheated on twice...that I know of. Could've been more. But I didn't get mad at the guy she messed with (or girl in one case) because I wasn't dating them. I wasn't going to do was go on a rampage. I just went in both cases “I hope I was worth it” and left it there. Obviously I wasn't fulfilling some need they had or they had the chance and took it. Most people will not turn down some strange when they are in the mood for it or the strange they get at home isn't any good. So if you are being cheated on there is a good chance that your significant other is not happy with you. If you are the cheater chances are you're not happy. Either way deal with that shit. Just don't get caught. Or be in an open relationship. I can't do that (fear of booty cooties) but I hear it works great for others. 

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Teach Me How To Dougie

A teacher is in trouble for a picture taken where two female students are placing their hands on her boobs. This isn't even a shocking thing anymore because we live in this strange new culture where everyone wants to be the cool kid no matter how silly it looks or how much trouble they can get in. 

Amy Douglas is a science and chemistry teacher in Rochester, New York. The picture was taken around a prom that she helped organize and chaperone. The picture has since been deleted off of Instagram and cropped to cover up the two students that helped make this very unsexy image happen. A caption with the photo originally said “Everyone be jealous we got to touch Dougies boobs.” 

No student should be that comfortable with a teacher. Not enough to call them Dougie, touch their boobs, or have the teacher think it is cute/funny to have a picture with her face clearly shown with students touching her breasts. She is being investigated for the photo. The students have now graduated. I know someone is saying that this is just a fun image to which I say be careful. Being a pervatron is a very slippery slope, one that I am all too aware of. My back glistens with oils from the slide of perversity from whence the only hope for a cleansed soul is a religious fervor not seen nor accepted since the 1500's. How wet do you want to get?

What People Care About This Week: Samuel Dubose Murder

As of today 671 people have been killed by police in the United States. When I typed in “How many people have been killed by...” the sentence filled itself in with ...”ISIS” and “...the police in 2015.” On July 19th 43 year old Samuel Dubose of Cincinnati, Ohio and father of thirteen was shot and killed by 25 year old officer Raymond Tensing during a traffic stop over a missing plate. The entire incident was recorded on a body camera which once again made me want to shout at everyone about how having a camera on every cop will not stop them from beating or killing anyone the same way surveillance cameras don't stop crime. Is it better that people that commit these crimes can be caught because there is footage? Yes. But that doesn't bring back someone who was killed for no reason.

Prosecuting attorney Joseph T. Deters stated “It was a senseless, asinine shooting. This doesn't happen in the United States, okay? This might happen in Afghanistan. People don't get shot for a traffic stop.” He also said “This office has probably reviewed upwards of hundreds of police shootings, and this is the first time that we've thought this is without question a murder.”

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

What People Care About This Week: Raynette Turner

Another arrest, another person dying in police custody. This time it was mother of eight kids 42 year old Raynette Turner of Mount Vernon, New York. While waiting for arraignment after being arrested for shoplifting she was found dead in her holding cell. Her husband of 23 years, Herman Turner is not taking this lightly. “Sounds like a cover-up to me. If they Mount Vernon police did their job she would still be alive. I want somebody's head to roll on this. I am not going to rest until I get some type of justice for my wife. That's the bottom line.”

So far the officials results have been inconclusive as to how she died. Herman wasn't even sure that his wife was arrested on Friday of Saturday for stealing crab legs where she was found a short distance away from by police. He was told she was complaining of feeling ill on Monday and was found dead on Tuesday. He didn't find out that his wife was dead until two detectives showed up at his house to tell him. “We know she was requesting medical treatment and it seems that, at some level, the system and the protocols that the city was following failed.”

Good Vibrations Gone Bad

I saw this story and asked a friend if 24 year old Vanquesia Hatisha Lowe qualified as a Certified Bastard and after realizing that she didn't meet the criteria for such a title (mean, evil, dangerously ignorant) I decided to plop her down here. This Florida resident was arrested last week after she stile a glass dildo from a Spencer's gift shop that cost about $25. Lowe put it in her purse after opening it and skidaddled. She was caught at another store in the mall and at first said she didn't do anything before finally handing it over to a store manager. This entire situation is embarrassing.

Is it said in a police report that she didn't think that she would get caught. I would hope that someone that steals something has more confidence in themselves. “I can do this! I am gonna steal this dildo and get myself off with ill gotten goods!” She was released on $500 bond. 

Different sites keep referring to it as a vibrator and made of glass which in and of itself is a ridiculous conclusion to make. It is likely acrylic and there is no way those take batteries unless you make one yourself and like living in the danger zone. The acrylic type of dildos can be warmed up in the microwave which should make you look at your single female friends that live alone and openly talk about their sex toys a little bit differently when they offer to warm up a meal for you.  

Friday, July 24, 2015

Dante Vs. Nature 54

People are as dumb as nature is dangerous. A 43 year old woman from Mississippi got her ass flipped in the air by a bison at Yellowstone National Park because she decided to take a selfie near one. This is the fifth person just this year to get a taste of zero gravity because for some reason they think that bison aren't dangerous. You know what I see when I look at a bison? Angry history. Ain't no bison in Africa. That shit isn't in my DNA to be okay around them. Black people get tattoos of lions, tigers, and dragons because those are native to Africa so deep inside we feel some kind of connection. But not no damn bison.

This lady was standing six yards, or in layman's terms “Too goddamn close!”, to one when she took her picture, tasted the rainbow, and got some minor injuries. A district ranger named Colleen Rawlings said “People need to recognize that Yellowstone wildlife is wild, even though they seem docile. This woman was lucky that her injuries were not more severe.”

Cop/Porn Actress

This cute ass cop in Miami is in trouble for possibly doing porn while still being a cop. Sabine Raymonvil has said while being investigated that she did it before joining the force eight years ago. I have looked up some images from her films for...research.

She looks better as a cop than a porn actress. I'm not sure how much porn you've watched but Black chicks tend to wear a ton of makeup and only take care of the front of their hair. Next thing you know their weave moves and their roots look like mine. Its not cute and I am rambling. The biggest problem with her besides possibly losing her career because she likes to bang on film and bad wigs is the company she keeps.

I Went To The Wrong Schools

(editors note: once again Evil Dante will be writing this particular post and none of the opinions expressed by Evil Dante represent the view of no sex having, cell phone shunning, long fingered weirdo Dante)

I'm sick of this shit! When I was a kid teachers were in their early 50's and only started teaching to save money for their cat fund. They had names like Mrs. Webb with her melted fingertips. Miss Leonard with her crooked wig. They sure as fuck weren't 24 years old and just old enough to teach you how to do make up, take a decent selfie, or get away with not having a personality. This is former New Jersey Catholic high school teacher Fatima Grupico. Say her name three times and you'll get a boner!

She taught history at Cardinal McCarrick High School and was arrested and charged with sexual assault and endangering the welfare of a child after it was discovered that she was boning a 17 year old student. They had sex when the school was closed due to low enrollment. There is no explanation how she was caught. I always assume that either the boy talked, they sent a shit ton of texts, or a nosy ass parent found out. Either way you can't blame any 17 year old boy from aiming for the fences.