Saturday, September 21, 2019

Kids These Days 81

I don't know if you have heard me bitch about how difficult it is to find a good consistent barber being Black and living in West Hollywood. If I had a long beard and wanted that Macklemore haircut my ass would be in heaven. There are like eight of them places within five minutes walking distance and I'm not trying to walk into one of them and have the scene from Blazing Saddles when the new sheriff arrives play out in real life. So today I was looking on the internet and came across someone getting their hair done in a way that should be illegal. Probably isn't...but it should be. This dude was using fire. Like for real ass fire! My biggest concern use to be dirty clippers. Now its flames. See, when I get my hair cut I close my eyes and start singing A Secret Place. But now I'm gonna be listening for the sound of a can being shook and butane being lit on fire! 

How do you even learn to do this? Its not like one guy does this either. Turns out there are a bunch of fools out here cutting folks hair using fire and even more getting it done. How does one even practice this? Not on themselves for sure. Its been millions of years and our asses have not managed to tame fire. Fire hurts us all the damn time yet people are going “I need a haircut and this seems legit.” No. Don't get your hair done with fucking fire you freaks. If you are over 30 and doing this you need to get your shit together. If you are below 30 and doing this you need to go to the other room and talk to your parents and ask them what they did wrong. I love how fire became the thing. We went from ice buckets to fucking flames. Stop that.

Click here for previous Kids These Days.

Friday, September 20, 2019

At The 2019 LA County Fair

Went to The LA County Fair with Cam today. It was the fun. We walked around and looked at flowers. I got to pet some goats. We had some really good chicken with waffles on sticks. I also got this bomb ass soap from The Markham Farm. I used it tonight to shower and it felt and smells so good. Click here to check their stuff out. I also got some lemonade from Hotdog On A Stick. Their lemonade is damn near perfect. I got it mostly because I wanted a souvenir cup. We were gonna go last week but it was way too hot to deal with that nonsense. We went today and it was about 85 and perfect for walking around.


Monday, August 5, 2019

Grown Ass Man Tips: Are You Pregnant?

There's never a reason to ask a woman if she is pregnant. I guess unless you two are dating and she is exhibiting the symptoms of a pregnancy and your ass is not financially ready or mentally equipped to be a father. That is about it. But if it is any other woman and you feel compelled to ask her if she is pregnant punch yourself in the dick and keep quiet. I know this sounds aggressive but the shit does not make people feel good. I have had multiple friends get asked if they were pregnant. Know how it makes them feel? Like shit. What I do not understand is why someone would ask. It is not like you win some sort of prize for getting it right? More often than not you ain't! Now you just an asshole that some woman is gonna talk about to her friends later. You wanna be an asshole? Huh? I know a lot of guys these days do because it seems cool to not give a fuck and say extreme shit and be the cool guy. Being someone who makes a lady you likely don't even know feel like shit because you assumed that she was growing a human life in her body is not a thing you should aspire to be. You see a lady and am not sure if she is pregnant or not just ask yourself why you want to know. Again: no prize for guessing correctly or not. She is not a pinata and will not explode with candy if she is pregnant. I'm like 98% sure about that last part.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.

Sunday, July 28, 2019

Just Talking With Dante Episode 45

“They punched me in all of my dicks. My emotional one. My spiritual one.” - Dante

“Shut your face.” - Jasmine

Jasmine is back! In this episode we talk about dating sites, what to put on a dating profile and what not to, I try to talk myself out of liking people, Jasmine forgets she can curse on this show, people pretending to be people they ain't, somehow start discussing male strippers and strip club double standards, I talk about not being invited to things, discuss what girls stress about that guys don't care about, and other nonsense. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Sunday, June 16, 2019

F**k Time Travel 1

Time travel. Everyone has wanted to do it at one point or another. It could be to go back in time and preserve my toys because years later people your age would want to buy them as adults for a lot of money. Telling myself to not be such a wimp and just tell Ruendy that you had a huge crush on her. Go back to the 1970's and talk some sense into my parents before they had me. Yeah, I don't wanna go back in time and do anything important that would change the course of history. Looking the way I look going past 1970 shit gets super sketchy. For real. Let's not be silly people right now.

I remember years ago during a tour at a museum the tour guide talked about how smelly Greece and other places were. How people just tossed pee pee and doo do out their windows. I didn't believe her because in the paintings things look beautiful. Then a few weeks ago I started wondering about bathrooms. You don't understand. Bathrooms are important to me. I have never been camping because of bathrooms. I will lose interest in a woman based on how her toilet seat looks when I lift it. I will suffer internal damage to avoid pooping when I'm not at home. I do not play when it comes to toilets and such so when I heard about how they used to get down back in the day I was shook.

There was this thing called a tersorium. Its bad enough having to use the bathroom sitting right next to people while dropping an ancient deuce. You are knee to knee with other people growing a tail. That's gross. But the they expect you to finish up and whip out the communal butt wipe. I mean that in every sense of the word. See, what you'd do is take this stick that had a sea sponge attached to it and get to scrubbing. Yeah. After you were done you would wash it in hot water with soap and let it dry for the next person. I'm lying. You would rinse it with water and/or vinegar and salt water and then the next person would turn around and use it.

And where did all the poop and pee go? Not some great plumbing system. Nope. People would fill up their pots with pee and put them into even larger jars outside. So now you got a great big pee pot just mad chilling outside your house. It would then be collected and used to defeat enemies. Lying again. They would use it to wash their clothes. So now you got a society full of people wiping their butts with a communal sponge and washing their clothes in piss. You can keep that along with time travel. I will stay in this terrifying future where I have a toilet only my ass touches and whatever double ply toilet paper is on sale.

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 9

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

Holy shit. I'm a father.

As soon as I see these creatures appearing that is the first thought that runs through my mind. Yeah, I've thought it before but not like this. I thought it when that actress from that new show about jungle women from Brazil that kidnap women from the city and give them big asses but in reality the stuff that they were injecting was really just Kool-Aid thickened with hot dog water slid into my DM's. I thought “I'm a father...” but it was more of a sadness attached to it. This is nervousness.

This is actual panic.

My dad was a shitbird that left my mom and my loser brothers before I even developed powers. I ended up trying my best to not turn out like him. Once I had Milly I knew that things were gonna be different. Once she arrived hot and fresh with powers I knew it was gonna be really different. Before I had her and would hear people talk about having a kid and how it changes you I figured that they were full of shit like most people are. Now I am mad that they never stressed just how serious it is to have a kid. We don't parade Milly around and have her do appearances because I know what that was like growing up. My mom never forced me to. I choose it and wish I hadn't done it and would never do that to her. Just having those first few years of my life normal helped me because I remember what it was like to lose, get hurt, and bleed. I forgot those feelings until these assholes showed up. I want to train Milly to be a good superhero and hopes that she turns into a cool ass chick when she grows up. If I don't stop this today she won't get that chance.  

Saturday, June 15, 2019

Just Talking With Dante Episode 44

“You have no right to pull up a site and swipe left or right. (gasp) Oh my god I am so fucking clever!”  

Catch you up on my week, avoiding the Pride Parade, talk about ending a crush and a fantasy woman, discuss technology making you immortal, surgically enhanced penises, a man diving off a balcony to avoid giving oral sex at gunpoint, play a song, record another episode complaining about people looking naked, hot cosplay women, OJ Simpson joining Twitter, crazy ladies on the bus, folks using online dating coaches, a booty doctor reusing supplies, and my prison called Missionary Island. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

Dante Vs. Nature 80

Hello, creep. Hey, boneface crawly bug. You think this is cute, huh? Fuck this thing. You all know that me and nature have a deal: I stay away you stay away. This thing decided that it wanted to look like the personification of human death so fuck it. This is a caterpillar that becomes the Pink Underwing Moth. Cool name, dude. Probably made by the same person that created the name of a fly and an orange. A lot of blank stares, “um...”, and finger snapping. It can have wings up to six inches in width which I don't like. At all. I like my bugs being less than two inches. When they start passing that they are now a nuisance and try to look weird or do cute shit to distract me. Or get pink shit growing on it. “I'm just a cute butterfly!” it cries. No! I saw you when you was a baby. It is like when people marry someone and they find out they had surgery only after they have a baby that looks the same upside down and backwards.

And guess what? It's from Australia! Oh, surprise of surprises! The place where even the trees scream to ward off humanity. They are endangered so I guess I should pretend to care. Nah. Most weird insects will look like snakes, birds, or other animals to scare predators away. This one was like “I'm gonna look like a man's skull. Yeah. That's my plan.” Nope. So much nope. If I saw this shit in nature (which means I am terribly lost, peed stained, and sweaty) I would shit myself so hard it'd cause physical pain.

Click here for previous Dante Vs Nature

Thursday, May 9, 2019

Just Talking With Dante Episode 43

In this episode I ramble about what I've been up to, hanging with friends, talk about cheap ass pillows, a day laborer being forced to bone down, a woman hitting her husband with a frozen pork chop, a gravy covered pervert, and listen to some ratchet ass songs sent by Jasmine. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Sunday, April 14, 2019

The Spider Princess & Big Baby Part 2

Click here for previous Spider Princess & Big Baby

The residents of the kingdom parted like a sea as the Unbruised and Serf walked through the streets. Their voices would lower until they were completely silent. The last thing anyone wanted was to be overheard by a stray Lobe. The Serf could not even begin to hide their nervousness at being given the task of accompanying the Unbruised to track down and return with Peraticus. There is not a kingdom that does not know the tales of Peraticus. Granted, many of them sound untrue. Then one finds out that they aren't. The truth is far worse than any tale you could imagine.

Peraticus once destroyed a small village with a stick. Turns out it was five villages and a small, new kingdom and that he used the headstone of the previous king as a weapon. Peraticus once lifted a horse over his head to prove his strength. He actually lifted it and ripped the beast in half with his bare hands because he'd step in its dung. And it was his own horse. No one felt too bad though. Frankly the horse was a monster and only functioned as a way to get Peraticus to locations faster so that he may wreak havoc.

Just as the Unbruised and Serf reached the gates a horn was blown in the distance. The Unbruised sighed lightly and it turned to face the castle. The Spider Princess stood in the window and nodded for the Unbruised to continue.

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Dante Explains Shit: Hunting

I used to be full on against hunting. I didn't understand the concept of hunting for an animal or hunting to eat something when you could just go to the store and buy the damned thing. Then I started reading about hunting and hunters years ago and it changed my mind. Yeah, there are people that hunt illegally and poach which makes people think that hunting should flat out be illegal. Look. If some folks did something so bad that everyone should stop doing it I would remove all cars from the road and if I couldn't do that you would have to lock your phone in the trunk when you got behind the wheel.

I should also point out that I do not hunt. I have never hunted. I have no desire to hunt and fear a time in my life where I have to track and kill and then properly cook something I have hunted. I assure you that if you gave me a cow and told me to make a burger I would die from some disease that we thought no longer existed. “How the fuck he get rinderpest?!” I eat meat regular and not always from places that talk about about humane the animals are treated. Know why? Shit's expensive and I don't know if the places are even straight up honest about their practices. The only way I could be 100% sure is if I was hunting and eating the animals myself. “But what about people who hunt not to eat but just to kill?!” Good question, stranger.

Monday, April 8, 2019

Just Talking With Dante Episode 42

“Sometimes people need to get slapped.”

In this episode I catch you up on my week, my stupid sore back, the increasing amount of high speed chases, a revolutionary new sex toy, people dying at the Grand Canyon being stupid, a nasty ass 7/11 employee, and read some Dear Abby advice. Click here for previous episodes.

Friday, March 15, 2019

Kids These Days 80

A couple of days ago I was talking to my friend and randomly we started talking about Hostess pies and I remembered that there was a damned pie based on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. My parents weren't the make a lunch with a nice dessert kinda parents so when there were new candies, cereals, or snacks I tried them. Ask me about any cereal available in the 80's or 90's and chances are I ate it. I was powered by sugar, salt, and chemicals that are now banned in many countries. “Hostess Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pies: One of the rarest TMNT food products was made by Hostess from 1990-1992; it was the 'Hostess Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pie' - with a green glazed pie crust and 'Vanilla Puddin' Power' inside. A commercial for the pies featured all four turtles, performing a rap song with the memorable line, 'Fresh from the sewers to you!'”

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Just Talking With Dante Episode 41

“There were so many varying forms of hoochie mama going on.”

In this episode I catch you all up on the past few weeks in my life, an annoying Lyft driver, seeing Kinky Boots and Cats at the Pantages, talk about my birthday, problems finding a barber, a kid drugging his stepdad for funsies, the update on a newscasters death, and some Dear Abby advice. Click here for previous episodes.

Sunday, March 3, 2019

Dante Vs. Nature 79

This is a cute ass looking ant. It's called a Panda Ant or if you one of those fancy folks it is known as Euspinolia militaris. I know you might think this I a cute half-assed Pokemon but in fact it is not even an ant. It is a wingless wasp! Its known as a panda ant because it, well, looks like a panda and an ant. The lady versions have thicker fur and no wings. The do not live in colonies like other insects choose to but rather stay alone. Oh, and they are also known as “cow killer” because their stings are so painful they can knock out an actual cow. These are found in Chilean forests which is awesome for me because I have never been there and likely never will so I don't have to worry about them biting my ass while I rest. Wait. They are found in the Southwest too? Fuck that. This monster wasn't discovered by some poor unfortunate soul until the 1930's. The males of the species get their creep on at night while the ladies get down during the day. They lay their eggs in a nest of another insect, their babies hatch, and immediately start eating the other insects. Little bastards.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.