Sunday, August 20, 2017

Grown Ass Man Tips: Staring

Staring at folks is dangerous. Just look at the animal kingdom. Staring directly at another creature's eyes can end with you being beaten like a drum or ending up on a t-shirt with your start and end date. The same goes for humans. How many post-primates do you know that like to start some shit because they “were looked at the wrong way”? Cut that shit out. There are times when someone looks at me for too long and I'm not sure if I am supposed to fight or fuck them. If I can look you in the eyes for more than two seconds chances are I am screaming inside my head for you to put your lips against mine or we are cool as fuck. Otherwise I look into your eyes, make sure you're not a figment of my sleep deprived imagination, and continue talking. 

Friday, August 18, 2017

The Seven Ex's You'll Have


This post is gonna apply to men and women so don't get confused when I switch between terms like “he” and “she” and shit like that. I mean, that doesn't even matter to a lot of folks these days. Its just a regular ol' bangarang orgy in these streets! In this post The Seven Ex's You'll Have I will talk just about that. This will of course include some experiences I've had in the past and since I ain't had a real girlfriend in four years or any stank on my hang low in over one I feel that I am an expert in talking about this kinda thing. Or not. Either way I have a blog, fingers, and too many opinions I like to share with strangers. 

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

My Current Jam: Tabria Majors


When you say someone is a BBW that second B is real important. There are too many BW's adding that extra B when they don't deserve it. That's right, I said it. I first spotted Tabria Majors on TMZ for some Sports Illustrated photo shoot because I don't think anyone reads that shit for actual sports anymore. Anyhoot, this chick is cute as fuck. I need to do another post explaining what the hell that term even means. Like, she is so cute I don't wanna touch her. She's like one of those cakes with all that pretty shit on it. You just wanna stare at it because its too pretty to ruin. If I was dating her I wouldn't want her parents to know that I was having the sex with her. Just apologize to her father every time I met him.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Just Talking With Dante Episode 25


Jasmine is back! In this episode we talk about our Fat Tour of the day, “reintimidate” the sound of an old lady which makes Jasmine lose her mind, how I can not say the word “orange” properly, we list the reasons why we could not be in jail, Jasmine breaks down what prisons do not have, how long it'd take me to sleep with an ugly prison guard, discuss white draws, getting attacked for jerking it, I explain how I'd breeze through solitary confinement, we discuss Black Mirror a bit, talk Rob Kardashian/Blac Chyna drama, Beyonce babies, and why I want to join R. Kelly's cult. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Kids These Days 73

I have written about candy from my childhood before (click here to check that out). This time I am going to write about some more. One of them I forgot existed for good reasons because it tasted like Satan's pantyline. When I think of my childhood and all the candy I consumed it is shocking that I'm not 300 pounds and the owner of all the diabetes. There are enough candies that have been discontinued for whatever reasons. They probably caused long since gone diseases or something. Who knows? Either way I still want 'em back. Mostly. 

Cherry Clan. Nothing like good ol' fashioned racist candy, right? These were fucking delicious. Of course they could never release something like this with that packaging even if they changed it because of old assholes like me. This was in the same family of candy as Lemon HeadsJohnny Apple Treats, and Alexander The Grape. Yes, these were all candies that once existed and you won't get to try unless you like in Bumfuck, Tennessee or buy them off of eBay and I assure you they'll be covered in dust and those diseases that no longer exist I mentioned. 

Just thinking off these is making my mouth water. I'm not sure what they were coated in but your hand would be deep red which was kinda cool because it was like having extra candy when you licked your hand clean. We didn't wash our hands in the 80's which we all know is the cause of AIDS. Its science. It didn't really taste like cherry so much as, well, sugar. It was white on the inside just like the candies I mentioned above and colored on the outside. Top ten no longer around candies.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Creepy Woman Becomes Creepy Dark Woman


When I first saw this woman I thought it was a fake image. I figured that there was no one that would for real do the same shit that Robert Downey Jr. from Tropic Thunder did. Turns out I was wrong. Martina Adams aka Martina Big is a German model that is known for having the biggest bazungas in Europe. She is now known for for turning her skin darker in an attempt to transition into being a Black woman. This woman looks spooky as shit. Just to get that out of the way in case anyone reading this thought that she was My Current Jam or something. She isn't. This shit is frightening.

After having some extensions added to her hair she said “To become more and more a black woman, that is such a wonderful feeling. I'm so happy. I'm a black girl with black hair, so I have to change very soon my passport.” I think that should be the least of her concerns. Frightening children and making it harder for me to sleep should be higher up on that list. She also says she plans to change more of her features and get a bigger butt.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Dante Vs. Nature 69


For anyone that says “God doesn't make mistakes!” I present to you Trichobatrachus robustus aka Hairy Frog aka Wolverine Frog! This fucking thing looks like something out of a Guillermo Del Toro film. When not in scare the shit out of travelers mode its claws sit in its back feet. But when it wants to give you a story to talk about when you get home looking different they pop out of its hands. They don't even come out of normal claw places either. The shits come out of its palms. It breaks its own bones just to defend itself. Its the same shit that frat boys or lunatics do but instead of ripping off their shirt to flash their barbed wire tattoo they smash their hands into glass and use that glass as a weapon. It'd be like high-fiving a demon and I don't need that stress in my life.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Just Talking With Dante Episode 24


Jasmine has returned for another show! We talk about our Fat Tour, our drink refill policies, people getting upset at Kendrick Lamar for actually being humble, we discuss the Kathy Griffin photo controversy, Bill Maher dropping n-bombs, I discuss wanting to be a cult leader, couples that prank one another, students using retweets to get out of doing finals, I ask Jasmine a series of Would You Rather? questions, we talk about dead bodies doing living things, and the Kardashian sex circle. This episode was all over the place but fun. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Best Of Just Talking With Dante/Jasmine Part 4


This is the final installment of the Best Of Talking With Dante & Jasmine. It was fun putting these together. Thanks to Jasmine for being such a fun guest and making this show so much better and for all you random folks out there that listen to and download this show. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Best of Just Talking With Dante/Jasmine Part 3


Once again I have gathered some of my favorite clips of Just Talking With Dante featuring my cousin Jasmine. I think there will be one or possibly two more of these and I also plan on doing one of our music show (D&J DJ's). Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Best Of Just Talking With Dante/Jasmine Part 2


This is the second installment of The Best Of Just Talking With Dante & Jasmine. Again I had a hard time trimming this down to moments I liked. There are always things that I forgot we said or talked about. Be sure to click here to check out previous episodes of Just Talking With Dante.

Johnny Panic: Street Walkin' Cheetah Part 3 of 3



Mom, Milly in my old highchair, and I sit down and she tries to give Milly a carrot. Milly stares at it the way a cat does a cucumber. It's weird sitting with my mom and a little baby that belongs to me. It's insane actually. A baby came from my penis. My penis! Isn't that mind-blowing?! I know she came from Ronica's innards but still. She started here. Milly finally accepts the carrot from my mom and stares at it, squinting.

“What is she doing?” mom asks.

“I think she is trying to use heat vision” I say.

“Does she have heat vision?” she asks and leans back a few inches.

“Not that I'm aware of” I say. “If she gets heat vision I'm gonna be super pissed. I've always wanted heat vision.”

“No, you always wanted to brown note people which I'll never understand” she tells me.

“You know how cool it would be to make people poop themselves?” I ask her.

“You've told me...”

Friday, May 26, 2017

New Dating/Relationship Rules


This is something I've been thinking about for a while after my last few relationships. I've not been in many as I tend to date someone for a couple of years and afterward stay single for an extended amount of time. The last time I was with someone it lasted less than a month and before that it was in 2013 and that last five months. Before that it was lasting for years each time. That is a little backstory. To go into even further detail just so you know a bit about these previous relationships the races have varied, their heights, weights, origins, occupations, and behaviors. The only thing I can say they all had in common was that they were nice at one point and we could talk.

I decided to create these New Dating/Relationship Rules because people keep tripping and not being honest. Or people are afraid to ask these questions which sucks because it would save a lot of time and heartbreak. These are questions that are acceptable between the first and third date. Skip talking about boring shit like politics and religion. That stuff is important in gathering crazy level data but that is long term thinking. You gotta ask these questions before you get them draws.

Best Of Just Talking With Dante/Jasmine Part 1


I have decided to start gathering best of moments from Just Talking With Dante with Jasmine as my guest. She is by far my favorite one and every time I've done one of these shows (and before and after which none of you hear) we laugh our asses off. I plan on doing a few of these. It was hard to pick my favorite moments because there were quite a few. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Dante Vs. Nature 68


See this shit? Its a Flamboyant Cuttlefish. And I don't like it one bit. Makes me nervous and represents everything that is fucked up about going into the water. This type is the only one that walks on the sea floor. Know why? Cause its a fatty fatty fat fat. It can float for moments and then sinks its strange looking ass right back down. There are other fish that walk and I'll get to them eventually (I'm looking at you, red lipped batfish!). These things live nowhere near me which is good for both of us. They don't get much bigger than about two and a half inches which is awesome because when I see weird shit and imagine it larger I just think of that Korean film The Host and I don't need that kind of stress in my life.