Sunday, December 4, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 14

I am back with my cousin Jasmine! Yay! We talk about delicious donuts from ICDC, some bus tales, a woman that disfigured a man's penis parts, very tiny wangs and how to deal with them nicely, paying for sex with food, holiday shopping, dressing for the first day of school, and being presentable when leaving the house. Click here for previous episodes.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Dante Vs. Nature 63

I saw this story and laughed my ass off. I thought it was fake but triple checked and this shit is way true and proof that nature is a bitch with a bad sense of humor. This Chicago alderman named Howard Brookins Jr. has been very vocal about the squirrels in the city ruining the garbage cans and costing the city money but damaging the trash lids. One of the squirrels wasn't having that shit anymore and decided to take one for the team by launching its crazy little ass into his bike spokes while he was riding. I'm not kidding. Its in that picture all up in the spokes.

Brookins ended up with a broken nose, knocked out teeth, and fractured skull after he ended up flipping over the handlebars. I've done that shit before but I was a little kid. Not a grown ass man. And certainly not attacked by a woodland creature. Someone called 911 for him likely after calming down from laughing. “I can think of no other reason for this squirrel's actions than that it was like a suicide bomber, getting revenge.” I would say he sounded like a lying liar who lies but there is too much evidence that this squirrel was out for blood.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.  

Friday, November 18, 2016

Johnny Panic: Street Walkin' Cheetah Part 1 of 3

I know it sounds bad but sometimes I forget that I'm a father. I know that I win Sexiest Man Alive pretty much every year, I'm the most powerful human to ever exist ever, and the coolest person you know. Johnny Panic. Hello. Is that a new shirt? No? Well, it looks great. The blue really brings out the love your have for me in your eyes. Don't deny it. I don't care. You know its true, so accept it.

“Do you have everything?” Ronica asks me while I pack Milly's bag for the day...which I will immediately toss on the roof when I leave. I put in a spare pair of clothes. You'll find out why later. Some snacky nyum nyum's. And juice. That's all a kid pretty much needs in life. Ronica goes through the bag and removes everything I packed and puts in stuff adults thinks kids need to survive. She knows Milly is tough but she has no idea how tough. Because I'll never tell her. She'd kill me if she knew the crazy shit me and our baby have done so I could find out just how strong she is.

We've flown into volcanoes, stopped bank robberies, put a fire out in an orphanage which is the cheesiest superhero thing I've ever done, bitch slapped sharks, and the most dangerous of all...drank water in India. Trust me. I had a hard time explaining to Ronica why our daughter was peeing out of her butt for three days. I blamed it on her moms muffins. Milly is just over 1 years old and has shown more abilities than I did at her age. I was about 7 when I first flew. All the other cool shit came later. Milly can fly. Well, if I'm being honest its more like floating. You take her off her string and she'll just go straight up. She can't be hurt in any way we've discovered. She has my sonic scream. And she laughs in the face of danger. 

Like right now.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

How Donald Trump Won And Why Its Your Fault

That is the most click bait title ever written. If you told me that I could pick between explosive diarrhea for the next four years or uncontrollable vomiting I would ask you “Can I just say no?” If you told me yes I would just walk away. I don't want either of those things. That is how I viewed this previous election with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. I saw two big problems and a small solution in Gary Johnson. “Who?” someone just asked. Exactly. People continually bitch about this two party system we have while voting for people that represent those two parties exclusively because “Go team go!” Everyone wants to belong to a team. Not me. Lone wolf up in this bitch.

You know Trump isn't a Republican right? He had to get into that party because he knows how stupid people are and they cant conceive of the notion of voting for a third party candidate or outside what they think is theirs no matter what. Folks are still washing the taste of Ross Perot out of their mouth. Before 1987 and from 2001 to 2009 he voted Democrat. From 1999 to 2001 he voted Reform. In 2011 – 2012 he was Independent. He is still Independent but he knows that wont work so he hopped on the Republican ticket. And guess what? The shit worked. He is now your President. Decades ago Hillary was Republican but we wont talk about that because girl power.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Body Shaming Leads To Possible Jail Time

Earlier in the summer I wrote a post about the 29 year old Playmate named Dani Mathers after she took a Snapchat image of an older one in the gym nude and posted it online (click here to check that out). I said that nothing would happen to her because reasons and it turns out I am wrong. Los Angeles city attorney has filed criminal charges against Mathers citing invasion of privacy which is a misdemeanor. She of course apologized and said things like “That was absolutely wrong and not what I meant to do...I know that body-shaming is wrong. That is not the type of person I am.” Sure you're not.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Dante Bitches About Maxim Hot 100 2016

I can this close to not bitching about Maxim Magazine and their Maxim Hot 100 this year. I have spent so much of it enjoying myself and/or complaining about so many other things in the world this slipped on by. I do one of these every year for the past few and each time they manage to get worse. This one has to be by far the worse list they have none not just because there is barely any goddamn variety but also because I don't know who the fuck most of these women even are.

I'm gonna do like normal and cover some of the women from 100 all the way to the top ten because by that point I'll be good and pissed off at the amount of not ass this list has. Seriously. Almost every woman on this list are like palette swaps of the same person but with deeper tans than others. This thing really makes me believe more and more that its made up. And before you ask none of these hot ass women made the list.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 13

In this episode I talk about finding a shitty thong on the sidewalk, Halloween as a child, and share some stories of playing pranks on my mother and what happened when I gave her the middle finger. Blame Jasmine for this episode. Click here to download previous episodes.

Sunday, October 30, 2016

Kids These Days 68

Kids getting sent from school for wearing something or having a style that the school didn't agree with isn't new. My cousin got sent home when we were little because he had one of those shirts that said “Crack Kills” and the image was a skinny dude stuck inside a big woman's ass. I can see why the school would do that and why his mama shouldn't have let him wear it. But there was no rule that said he couldn't. A 13 year old kid in North Yorkshire, England named Chenise Benson was sent home after showing up to school with braids. Yeah, the ones you see above. Some reports are calling them dreadlocks because they have never seen dreadlocks before. She got them for her birthday during a break in school and her dad Darren Benson is pissed because he wasted $170 on 'em because he expected the braids or his daughters interest in them to last a year.

“One of her friends at the school, who has Jamaican heritage, has the same style of haircut but with a red stripe in it rather than white, and she has been allowed to remain. I've read the policy regarding haircuts, and I can’t see what rule she has broken.” Ah, the good ol' fashioned “they did it so why can't I?” defense. The school has a policy against kids thinking their opinions matter.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 12

In this episode I talk about Pornhub BBW category going to far in the B's, a drunk dude at bus stop whose ass I almost had to kick, my raggedy ass fire alarm, stinkbugs fucking my screen, and lion getting their jaws broken. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

My Current Jam: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is 5 foot 9 and 155lbs. of hot chocolate. She was born in Saginaw, Michigan and moved to Compton when she was little and started practicing tennis by the age of 3. Know I was doing at 3? Watching game shows and knowing how to read. She has won twenty one Grand Slam titles, thirteen in doubles, two in mixed doubles, and four Olympic gold medals. She is 34 years old (very much in my dating age bracket) and the oldest ranking female tennis player to be number one. She is one of those people that seems like she can not not be a champion or strive to be but she also seems fun as fuck.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 11

Jasmine has returned! We talk about the donuts and burgers we ate today, Jasmine gets distracted by a unicycle, broken Black people, the dirty truth about CPR, ugly child actors, Dante wanting an obsessed woman, and other things that can not be recalled. Its fun. Click here for previous episodes.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Racist Or Stupid?

The internet is not your friend. That is the biggest message I want to get across with this random ass blog post. A Kansas State University student by the name of Paige Shoemaker posted an image on her Snapchat with a friend wearing facial masks with the caption “Feels good to finally be a ni**a.” Another student posted the image on Twitter and all hell broke loose. 

Shoemaker ended up writing an apology for herself and her friend in the image Sadie Meier on Facebook. Let me translate this for a second. These two girls did something stupid in the new village of Snapchat and someone in the neighboring town of Twitter heard about it Shoemaker ended up having to apologize for it on the older and much larger city of Facebook.

“We clearly understand that what was said and done was completely disrespectful. I did want to inform everyone that it was NOT 'black face,' but it was a L'OrĂ©al clay facial mask. The signs that were thrown also is an inside joke between our friends that represents 'West Coast is the best coast.' We never intended for the picture to offend anyone.” Is there anyone that actually admits when they are trying to offend someone?

Thursday, September 15, 2016

People Hating On #TeacherBae

I saw this picture of a fine ass woman on Yahoo the other day at work and showed it to a coworker and asked “Did any of your teachers ever look like this? Ever?!” The answer was no. My answer is hell no. I have never had a teacher this damned fine. Had a couple cute ones but never one that would have made me have to adjust my draws every ten seconds. This is Atlanta 2nd grade teacher Patrice Brown aka #TeacherBae and the less creative Ms. Thicky Fine Teacher Bae. Its hard enough to be I hear. It hard to be a teacher as well because children are usually the devil. I could not imagine being a hot ass teacher and not just because of the horndog kids but the horndog fathers and angry ass mothers you know she has to encounter.

People online are mad because the world is full of haters. Any guy hating on her is doing it to get points from other women. “Hey! I'm on your team! Want some dick?” Any woman hating on her is doing so because that's what women tend to do. Women hate women. Yeah, I said it. Women ha-a-ate other women most of the time so you know if you are built like the Kool-Aid Man or have a shit bag of a husband and are just naturally upset you are gonna hate on this girl. I say girl because she is too young for me to date being in her 20's.

Her clothing is being called too sexy for teaching. Look. Its hard enough to get kids to remember to wipe their asses let alone what teacher wore that day. Plus, I have seen women at Faithful Central Church in Inglewood wearing shit on a Sunday morning that makes what Ms. Brown wears look like a burqa. Can she wear looser clothing? For sure. But fuck that. If I were a woman with a body like hers I would show the shit out of it. You want her to wear 90's style baggy clothes? Fuck outta here with that. Even though I'm a terrible human being and am staring at her pictures hard enough to give her shivers its awesome that she is taking of the terrible task of teaching children.

But still. Haters.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Booty Spray For Fools

People like big butts. Its usually guys that get pegged with this love of big butts when for the most part a guy just wants someone that is nice to them. I can feel the amount of eyes rolling but thankfully its not that many because folks don't read this shit. 

In this case I am gonna put the blame squarely on the shoulders of insecure ladies. I can do without a big ass. I have had girlfriends that had negative ass and ones that had ones so nice I almost proposed to them. Nowadays women are running around either wearing draws with fake asses, getting implants, or getting injections.

Or booty spray.

I first heard of this product called Apex Vitality Booty Pop after reading about Blac Chyna getting dragged through the mud for endorsing it. I Googled “fake ass” and the second image to pop up was her butt looking eleven kinds of strange. Her as are as real as my honest intentions with your 25 year old daughter. I had to go to a “review” for this Apex product and see what the hell it was exactly.

“Apex Vitality Booty Pop has a very silky texture and gets absorbed in a very few second. Just spray it directly on your hips and massage it gently until it is absorbed into the skin of your hips. In the first few day the area over there will start to look smooth and soft and before you know it your hips will plump in the shape you have wanted them to be. To sustain the results for forever, I would advise you to continue applying this cream for maximum 60 days.”

My Current Jam: Angelina Castro

If you're one of those not fun people that are against porn or you get laid so much that you don't give a damn then this post is not for you. I will sit here and say that Angelina Castro is my current jam when she has been so for about two years now. I can't remember the first video I ever saw her in but the first thing I noticed was that she actually looked like she was enjoying having sex (yes, I notice when someone is not into it or just bad at acting like they do) and the second was her banging ass body. And that she kinda looks like one of my ex girlfriends. They could be sisters. This may be a chick thing too but there is no feeling like finding a porn star that looks like someone you dated but don't hate or someone you like that you know will never have the sex with you. Its like a fist bump from Jesus because he feels bad for you.