Sunday, November 11, 2018

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 7

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

Zazz has fainted by the time I catch him. I tap his cheek and he snorts. I tap him again and he nuzzles into my arms and whimpers. This would be cute if it were my daughter. Or Ronica. Or a puppy. But not a chubby, tear streaked man that smells of onion rings. I don't even know how he manages to get onion rings here on the island but he does. I slowly head back to the ground and Ronica's disapproving glare. She is super pissed. She wasn't even this pissed off when I started that campaign to get Small Wonder brought back with the original cast. She believed that the show was a classic and a reboot would tarnish that. Sure, it turns out that she was right and Vicki the Robot put in maximum 30% effort. But still. I got to be in the music video for the remix of the theme song.

“Put Zazz down” Ronica hisses. Like actually hisses. “You and I need to talk right now, Walter.”

“But the aliens...”


Friday, November 9, 2018

Dante Doesn't Bitch About People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2018

People Magazine announced that Idris Elba was the Sexiest Man Alive for 2018 and the world collectively went “Of course.” I can't think of one person that would disagree with this. “I do!” the guy in the back shouted. Look. I'm not gay but if Idris made a move on me I wouldn't react that way I would if some dude at work or on the street hit on me. What I'm saying is that there would be some internal struggling and dialogue happening. “I'm not gay. But this is Idris Elba. But I'm not gay. Right?” Look. There ain't nothing wrong with admitting that another guy is good looking no matter how straight you are. I am also fully aware that if I was talking to some lady and Idris walked into the room I would suddenly disappear. I would become this tall dark barrier keeping her away from a slightly taller barrier. And way better looking. And cooler.

Thursday, November 8, 2018

Grown Ass Man Tips: Asking For Help

There ain't nothing wrong with asking for help. Lots of guys right now are doing something wrong but are not asking for help. Sure, it is easy to say “Well, because men don't like to ask for help.” I'm not gonna be that general with this because I'm allegedly a man and I know that there is more to it than that. I used to be terrible at asking for help but I was never bad at asking questions. If you showed me how to do something I wouldn't pretend I understood, shove you out the way, and then do a shitty job of it. Till this day I will let you know that the way you said/told/did something made no sense to me and ask for some form of clarification. But for the help part...that had nothing to do with my genitals. That was a pride thing. A not wanting to look weak or stupid thing. A not wanting to appear helpless thing. But now? Help me the fuck out!

I would much rather you think I am stupid, weak, or helpless for asking for help than to fuck something up and have someone else have to do it again later. I know a big part of not being able to ask for help is because of what we think it means to be a man in the first place. What it means to be a man changes every few months so right now we have to play it by ear. All that man shit that your father and your fathers father did? No bueno. You can try, and many men do, but what'll likely happen is you'll be called some form of “ist” be it sexist, racist,or misogynist. Think back to when you were growing up and watched some guy in your life fuck something up by not asking for help. It could have been a father, uncle, brother, cousin, nephew, or even your own son. You don't want to be that guy. The one that does something, claps thinking you did a good job, leave the room, and have people roll their eyes so hard it makes a sound. If you have someone in your life that says it makes you weak to ask for help chances are they are a fuck up and you shouldn't be listening to them anyway.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips

Friday, November 2, 2018

Dante Vs. Nature 77

What in the Barney Fife is this fresh batch of nonsense?! It has been a minute since nature walked into my mental bathroom and kicked me while I was shitting. I was on a friends FB page and saw an image of this creepy ass thing called a humphead parrotfish and thought it was fake. 

That is the problem when nature decides to get real weird with it. The shit don't look real. There are deer with fangs. Bats with huge penises. Fur covered frogs. So when this decided to get out of a Lovecraft dream and into my car I had to do some research. Much to my dismay this is an actual thing that exists on the same planet as me. You know what that feels like for me? Someone that rarely leaves the house and almost never ventures into nature? I don't like it and I don't think it is fair to me. How am I supposed to feel like the big bad human man creature because I got thumbs when there is something living in the water that shits sand? I ain't even lying! These things straight up make sand. Think I'm playing. 'Cause I'm not. I don't play when it comes to two things. Chicken and nature. 

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Grown Ass Man Tips: Being Present

When I am out in the public I notice something that is getting worse with each passing year and that is being present. One definition of it is “having your focus, your attention, your thoughts and feelings all fixed on the task at hand. If you are speaking to somebody, then your attention and energy is focused on him or her and what he or she is saying.” I know this is about giving grown ass men some tips but this applies to everyone. I see people walking down the street having a conversation and texting at the same time. I have talked to people on the phone and hear them texting and saying “Uh-huh” or laughing when nothing funny was said by me because they aren't really paying attention. 

I get it. Being present is hard when there are so many distractions all over the place. But the better you are at being present the more quality time you'll have with people. Know why I'm not constantly snapping pictures when I'm out with friends? Because we're talking and I am able to recall everything we did. I actually have a thought that when I see a lot of pictures taken during a vacation the less fun is being had and the less time you're spending being present.

Friday, October 26, 2018

Kids These Days 78

If the Sad Hulk song had a visual image this would be it. When I first heard about this I didn't feel bad for this kid Teddy Mazzini because they invited a bunch of kids from his school to his 6th birthday party and no one showed up. I'm damn near 40 and have had only two in my life. I felt bad for him because one of his parents was pretty shitty for taking this picture and posting it online. I get it. People like to overshare their kids lives online. A lot of times its shit that does not need to be documented in photo form but it is, like the shame of having a party and no one showing up. This is the kinda stuff that people can end up in therapy over. Seriously. In the next twenty years there are gonna be a metric shit ton of folks in their early 20's in therapy because their parents posted some stuff of or about them online that comes back to haunt them let alone the stuff they post themselves that'll keep them from being employed because for some reason kids think its cute to be racist online. They say that the Internet never forgets. It does. Then it remembers again. Just ask James Gunn.

His dad said “I was bummed, I was bummed out for sure. Teddy, the biggest thing for him was having his classmates there, so not seeing them show up an hour into the party was disappointing. He's 6, so he was distracted by the arcade games, the pizza, he got over it quick. He's tough. But when Sil (the mother) told me she was posting the photo, I told her not to do it, but she did and it took off. It's pretty wild.” Teddy's mother said “I was kind of shocked and then at the end when I had to pay for it, I was upset” regarding the $130 bill for the pizza. “That's why I wrote a message. But I never expected any of this, for this to go so viral.” Ah. So she skipped right past petty which would have been emails to every individual family she invited to messy by making it public. That is the difference between the two by the way. Messy is public. Petty is intimate.

Friday, October 12, 2018

Machinery Hanging Out

There's nothing worse than uninvited penis. Uninvited is usually unexpected and the last place you ever expect to see a penis (all Catholic accusations aside) is in church. But 21 year old North Dakota resident Zachary Burdick was like “You know what this church is missing? Meth. Meth and penis.” So he introduced both to the equation. This week on a Tuesday morning mass at Spirit of Life Church which means that church had the most dedicated of church goers inside because who the hell else goes to church on a Tuesday morning, and got butt booty ass naked. He then got into the baptismal fountain and when he got out he was feeling the wrong kinda spirit and he started jerking it while walking towards the altar. There were 75 people inside the church at the time.

A witness told the police that Zachary splashed around in the fountain and then entered the area with his “machinery hanging” and “pumping” himself up. I laughed when I read that shit. Father Todd Kreitinger was conducting mass at the time and said Zachary had “dipped his rear-end into the Holy Water fountain and splashed around a bit before entering the sanctuary while masturbating.” The price to clean the fountain is said to be $500. I don't know why it costs anything. Just empty it, fill it back up, and bless it. I'm not even sure what kinda fountain it was. There seems to be a lot and they are expensive. When questioned Zachary said that he was tweaking and said he used meth and hashish oil. He also told police that he was trying to “bust a nut” in the church. He's been charged with indecent exposure which will count as a felony because it was within 50 feet of where kids would have been.


Apparently preschoolers were there at the time! And he was also trying to bless people, hopefully not with what I am thinking, and handing out the Book or Mormon. He also wants to be a rapper. This just keeps getting worse. Yep. He also has a kid. After this news broke his baby mama posted “Well, there goes child support.”

Friday, September 7, 2018

Grown Ass Man Tips: Keeping Your Cool

Throwing tantrums only works if you are a toddler or an attractive woman. If you are a grown ass man that starts yelling when you don't get your way chances are people are talking about you behind your back. Sadly, you may not even know that you are doing the opposite of keeping your cool and you're being a punk ass bitch. Yeah. No one wants to be that but how do you know you're being one if no one tells you? The thing is we now live in a time where asking for the truth is only safe around friends and some family. Not all of them because we all know aunt Patty is a gossip. 

There are many ways to learn how to keep your cool. Taking deep breaths. Counting to ten. Learning how to meditate. Float tanks. Exercising some of that bitchassness away. One way to check your keeping cool levels is to ask yourself a few questions and be honest about it. If someone cuts you off in traffic what do you do? Now ask someone who rides in the car with you what you do. If the grocery line is long what sounds do you make? Are they bitch sounds like heavy sighing or passive aggressive watch checking even though you ain't wearing one? When someone raises their voice do you take that as a chance to raise yours even louder?

Thursday, August 30, 2018

The Seven Friends Your Friends Have

Whenever I write posts like these a bit of myself is in some of the personality types I'm shit talking. I do not have many friends. I have people that think they are my friend or closer to me than I have actual friends. I know that I am not an easy friend to have because I have a set of rules that I do not break and if I do it is because that ass was just too good to pass up. I know it is annoying and aggravating to my friends and people getting to know me like when you wonder why Batman won't just kill The Joker.

It's because Batman doesn't kill!

So in this post I am going to talk about The Seven Friends Your Friends Have. I write this knowing that I am some of these things to people at least for the time being. Hell I might be all of them. Meeting the friends of your friends can be either exciting or terrifying depending on what they have told you about them or given you a heads up like “Susan is a close talker.” If I meet someone's friend and they are cool I know that I'll end up being a better friend than my friend if I want. It's happened. It's not pretty.

Monday, August 27, 2018

How Not To Make A Baby

When I first heard this story from Cam I hoped it was fake. I have checked multiple sites and so far it is coming up Milhouse so I decided to write about it. A couple in China were struggling to have a baby after trying for four years of their marriage. The guy was 26 and the lady 24. Young adults. Pretty much toddlers. Their family was all over them because they had not had a kid yet. They went to a doctor to figure out what the deal was and it turns out that they were doing it wrong. Like, way wrong. They were having butt sex to conceive a child. Yeah. Even as I write this I am hoping that this is fake and that someone, let alone two people, do not think that anal sex is how a baby is made.

An obstetrician named Liu Hongmei was told by the wife that sex was painful and worried she may have a disease. The doctor using science determined that the wife was still a virgin and gave them some sex education handbook probably called “Sex For Dummies.” A few months later she got pregnant and they sent her a few chickens and eggs to thank her. It seems that this not knowing how to bone down properly is an actual thing. Sex ain't talked about that way and students have held protests demanding that they get the proper education. Here my whole thing. I knew how to have sex over a decade before it happened. I got a cousin that is equal in intelligence to a wombat that somehow has two kids. He figured that shit out. I don't know how you can have sex with someone for four years and not accidentally knock on the wrong door.

Friday, August 17, 2018

Dante Vs. Nature 76

Some damned fool decided to play a game of slap ass with a hippo at the L.A. Zoo. This ass smacking bandit has not been caught yet but was filmed climbing the way too short for what is inside wall and acting like he was at an Atlanta strip club. The two hippos, Rosie and her daughter Mara, were just minding their business when this guy decided to take the highway to the danger zone and get his smack on. It doesn't seem like smacking a hippo is a bad thing...if you dumb. 

I saw this crazy documentary years ago called Congo with Bruce Campbell and it opened my eyes to the dangers of hippos. Later when the internet became a thing I could watch these creatures that I thought wiggled their ears, flung shit out their butts and swatted it like a fan with their tail, and had little birds eat leavings in their teeth chase Africans at speeds that made no sense and proved that god was not only cruel but liked a good laugh. They say about 500 people are killed by hippos every year in Africa which means the real number is closer to 20,000 because Africa don't wanna look like no punk bitch being killed by river pigs. If I were this guy I'd never want to be caught because showing up to court is gonna be eleven kinds of embarrassing and if he is locked up it is he who will become the hippo. Plus smacking butts is just rude unless they are into it. Then its fun as hell. But not with hippos. Don't smack hippo ass. Ever.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Grown Ass Man Tips: Standing Down

There are times in your life when you feel like you need to say something. Not because you are a man and “mansplaining” which is a term I hate because no matter what gender you are we all do it. But, men, we are at a time in history where learning to shut the fuck up, don't get involved, and picking your battles is more important than ever. Today guys are throwing themselves on grenades that are in the other room. They will hear something in passing and chime in. They will start an argument just because it is a thing to do and it is way out of hand now. They consider it a debate or discussion when in reality they are unhappy with their life in some way and looking for anything to distract them from dealing with it. “Why would I waste my time cleaning my house, taking better care of my body, and being nice to my people when there are women trying to walk around topless in New York?! What? No. I live in California, but still. Topless!”

Over the last few years I have made an effort to stand down more. Not because of society or because what is allegedly between my legs. But because it is just not worth my time to get involved in shit that does not concern me. I would lose my mind overhearing stupid things people were saying especially if they were talking about something I knew a lot about. But the strangest thing happened when I stopped doing it. I had more free time to think about things that interested me. I would just think “Damn, they are really confident in their ignorance” and continue about my day.

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Just Talking With Dante Episode 30

Jasmine is back! In this episode we talk about our not Fat Tour to Yardbird and Trejo's Donuts, me (Dante) talking about women and Jasmine accusing me of running from them, trying to stay healthy...ish, Kim Kardashian beefing with Tyson Beckford's old ass, I complain about fake butts, Demi Lovato od-ing, R. Kelly's new song “I Admit”, Jasmine assaults me with a song called “Sweet Tooth” by City Girls, people getting stabbed in theaters, I am shocked Jasmine does not go to concerts, and a woman biting noses off of faces. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 6

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

Life is so much easier when you don't have a family or love anyone more than yourself. I know it sounds super shitty but it is true. Before I had the love of my life Ronica and my baby Milly aka Portable Rave all I cared about was solving problems in time to go to the club or before In & Out closed and making sure my mom stayed away from tabloid racks. But as I fly below ginormous spaceships that are trying to destroy the planet and heading home I am more afraid of what my lady is gonna say and do to me than I am about the world being blown up. This sucks. On the bright side I took the full blast from a laser beam from an alien ship and all's it did was knock me out.

For six days.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Just Talking With Dante Episode 29

Jasmine is here! We talk about the failure that was the DTLA Donut Fest, eating at Chimney, taste test some sodas, and find out a shocking surprise about our new favorite donut spot Donut Friend. Click here to check out previous episodes.