Sunday, January 25, 2015

Who The Hell Is Delvin?

My name is Delvin and this picture was taken while hiking at Kenneth Hahn by Donna Williams. You all know me as Dante, your only Black friend, him downstairs, Chocolate Hammer, or whatever terrible things you say behind my back when I'm not around. But my real first name is Delvin. Like Melvin with a D. Now, I didn't choose to be called Dante. Every guy named Dante, spelled in whatever weird ass variations they use, have been assholes. I've never been able to get a solid version of where this name came from or why it was given to me.

There have been a few versions. A guy that one of my mother's friends used to date. A football player. I was gonna be named Damien but thank god that didn't happen. Damien's are worse than Dante's! The reason I was not shackled with the name Damien was because my mother's friend told her that it was the name of the devil child in Omen. Funny that she went with Delvin which is a single letter away from Devil and Dante which, after Damien, is the second name most associated with hell. Go figure.

I found out that I was a different human being after coming to school late for the first time when I was 9 years old. This may have been one of my last days at my elementary school and I went to the office to get a tardy slip. I had never had to get one of these before (yes, I was that kid) and after a few minutes of them calling for this Delvin kid that I'd never heard of they alerted me to the fact that Dante was not my first name.

My world was rocked.

Teachers Sex Trip

Ooh, teachers. I know a few folks that are teachers and ones that used to be. As far as I know none of them have boned any of their students. Two teachers at South Hills High in West Covina have for sure boned some students. Insert Jamaican horns and cheering. If you are someone that is easily offended you should stop reading right now and assume that I am gonna say a lot of terrible shit.

38 year old Melody Lippert and 30 year old Michelle Ghirelli were arrested last Saturday after it was found out that they took a trip with students and had the sex. No, the school had nothing to do with this trip. The teachers took these kids on a trip, had the sex, and as always one of the boys got lippy and word spread. Probably from jealous female students. This is where I get worse.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Drunk Mother And Bulldozed Homes

45 year old Florida mother Angela Woodworth was arrested after her 11 year old son and four of his friends jumped right out of the car she was driving. Why would kids do this? Because mama was loaded. Last Tuesday the four boys ran into a Steak n' Shake in Gainesville after Angela hit a pole while driving. She ended up chasing them inside of the restaurant and screaming at them because Florida. Police found receipts showing that she had bought two pitchers of beer at a bowling alley and four more drinks at a Ruby Tuesday because mama gets thirsty. 

She was arrested and charged with marijuana possession, resisting an officer, and felony child neglect. For some reason she was not hit with a DUI. Judging from her mugshot she doesn't seem all that phased by anything that happened that evening and her son is probably in for a world of hurt when she gets home. I have been in the car with a drunk driver, and let me tell you, that shit is a different kind of fear. I love when you can look at the picture someone is taking during what should be one of the worst moments of their life and they left every fuck to give outside. And their dignity. That shit is worthless. 

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

One Less Yoga Pants To Check Out


There is a Christian blogger named Veronica Partridge that wrote a post about no longer wearing yoga pants in public. Now I for one love yoga pants. Behind short plaid skirts and shirts that don't quite fit yoga pants are the best thing to happen to my eyes in terms of women wearing clothes. Yoga pants are like short women with wide hips: a gift from the gods.

I mention that Veronica is Christian because that is how she presents herself and her blog. You'd never know what religion I follow unless you stumbled into my closet but by then its too late and the living floor consumes your soul and only then shall you know what true fear is. She made the decision to stop wearing yoga pants/leggings in public after talking to her husband. By the way: I don't know the difference between yoga pants and leggings. I'm gonna always refer to them as yoga pants the same way I call my chair a couch and beige burgundy. Deal with it.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Th3rd Strike


The King was dead. But he did not die the way we were all led to believe. He died defending our great nation from a small scale Martian attack. Small scale. As if there's such a thing when it comes to Martians. No. It is referred to as “small scale” due to the fact that only 83 lives were lost. Shortly after his death a new king would emerge. A reluctant king.

Martin Luther King.

Jr.

“I'm not sure about this, my brother” MLK said told me that faithful day. “If Elvis couldn't survive them damned Martians, what chance do I have?” I understood his lack of faith in this regard. Martians are a tricky lot. Sometimes they stood as large as skyscrapers, wiping out entire city blocks with a sweep of their hand. Other times they were the size of molecules disguising themselves as viruses.

“Elvis wasn't the only one, Martin” I told him. “There are others like you.” I pressed a small button hidden in my cuff-link and in entered the rest of the team. A legendary team whose efforts would be hidden from history until now.

Th3rd Strike.

Florida Teen Plays Doctor For A Month

Florida. That's all I should write and just walk away. A teenager walked around a hospital for a month, as far as they are admitting, pretending to be a doctor at St. Mary's Medical Center in West Palm Beach. It took a patient letting the staff know that a teenager was walking around the OB/GYN area wearing a lab coat with anesthesiology stitched on it. 

A security guard aka professional sitter told police that he had seen this kid around the hospital for a month and that he had been in secured areas for about a week. The teen told police that he'd been a doctor for years. His mother disagreed and told the cops that her son is not taking his medicine.

So many questions! Why didn't this security ever stop and question this kid wandering around the hospital? How long would this have gone on if a patient of all people didn't stop to say “There's a goddamn kid working here!”? Hey, mama? How come you don't know what your un-medicated kid is up to?! And last, how come he isn't being arrested and charged? Oh, right. Florida. The hospital released a statement of lies because that is what you do in situations like this. They sure as hell aren't gonna come out and admit that they have no idea what this kid was up to for a full month.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Teacher Gives Best/Worst Assignment

When teachers aren't having sex with students or being a positive influence they are making up dumb ass assignments. Patricia Lorenzen who is a middle school teacher at Kingsview Middle School asked her English students in four classes to wrote a story describing how they would kill her. The story had to have at least three gerunds (a form that is derived from a verb but that functions as a noun), three infinitives (the basic form of a verb, without an inflection binding it to a particular subject or tense) and three participles (a word formed from a verb and used as an adjective). All shit that doesn't matter as an adult.

After complaints by some parents she then thought that maybe this was a terrible idea. Some students had already finished the work, likely with far too much glee and a speed that terrified witnesses. The principal James D'Andrea issued a statement.

Be Your Own Best Friend

If the world's population was even 30% like me things would change. Not for the better mostly because the population would drop drastically from the lack of the sex happening. But also because no one would strive to do things to impress people. I do not say this in a “I'm too cool to give a damn about what you all think about me!” I'm just too preoccupied with keeping myself entertained to make an attempt to wow anyone else.

A lot of things are done to make people look at them and go “That is inspirational.” I just kinda do a lot of shit, present it, and go back into my cave and wonder why I do anything that I do. I have personally made over 600 podcasts containing skits, shows, and music. I played two characters on a popular internet based wrestling radio show. I created over 80 episodes of my own series which I have on DVD. I make Perler bead art that I've given as gifts or tossed in the closet. I paint when I feel like it. I draw well enough. I have written thousands of stories. I have ten blogs with each containing a different topic. I spend hours talking on the phone every day. I have helped friends edit novels and got a few people through college. I recently started learning how to manipulate photos and sculpting. I do a lot of shit.

Woman Cuts Off Man's Penis...Twice

Goddamn it, China! We already have Australia as the craziest place on the planet. We don't need you throwing your hat in the ring. 30 year old demon/wife Feng Lung found out that her husband 32 year old Fan Lung was cheating on her with a 21 year old chick named Zhang Hung. Feng found out about this after Fan used his wife's cell to chat with the other chick and his wife found out about it. We've all been there, am I right fellas? 

God, I hope this story is fake...

Feng did what any logical human would do in this situation: she grabbed a pair of scissors while he was sleeping and cut his dick off. Now...I've used scissors before. And I have an alleged penis. I imagine that it would take a lot of effort to get this thing off of my body using scissors. But not Feng. Channeling ancient spirits of evil she managed to cut her husbands dick off. Surgeons were able to reattach it and that is where this story ends.

Yeah, right.

This is China, cuz.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

"Daisy Cutter" by Dante Ross


“Sir.”

“What?”

“DuBois is here.”

“Fuck.”

Frank DuBois was for lack of a better term a lunatic. After Tony, that's the sir mentioned above, inherited his father's business he also inherited his problems.

Problems like DuBois.

“Did he say what he wants?” Tony asked. His butler, Simmons, shrugged. “That's not a fucking answer and you know it isn't.” Simmons bowed and left the room. Tony slapped his desk and then rubbed his hand.

DuBois.

The last time he heard that name it was while playing blackjack with some associates in Las Vegas a month ago. One of them loved to hear himself talk. His name was Aimes.

Five Things I Learned From Grandmama


Today is my Grandmama's birthday even though I doubt I will get this posted today. I have mentioned her in dozens of my blogs and have spoken about her at length with my friends. I was around her for the first part of my childhood (the smart years) and learned a lot from her that I would later apply to my adult life in terms of attitude and how to behave with people...good and bad. This is going to be Five Things I Learned From Grandmama.

It is gonna be hard to write that few so I'm gonna try and write about the ones that impacted me the most. A little information about Grandmama. That is her name. Grandma was my father's mother and Grandmama is my mother's mama. She was born in Texas. She outlived all of her 10 other brothers and sisters. She was Native American. Had red hair that she finally stopped coloring once she was in her 80's. She loved cooking, the Los Angeles Lakers, and I once saw her launch a boy off the porch. She loved smoking cigarettes and Diet Cokes. She was very sweet, could be funny, but refused to take shit from people.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Guy Wakes From 12 Year Coma

I just read this story about this South African dude named Martin Pistorius that was in a coma for 12 years that started in the late 80's. They aren't 100% sire what caused him to go into a coma but they have their suspicions. He slowly started to lose the ability to move and speak and eventually was just...there. Doctors said that Martin would die because, fuck hope.

His family didn't quit on him though and had a routine of waking every few hours to move him, feeding him, and putting him in front of the TV. This went on until he woke up. He is shilling a book so I am not sure how he woke up but he did. 

Monday, January 12, 2015

Johnny Panic: Lunch And A Suicide Attempt


There was one time where I had to stop a guy that was gonna jump from a building. It was in downtown Los Angeles and 58 floors up. If he jumped when he hit the ground you'd have to use a sponge to clean him up. Me? I'd just giggle and head home to smoke pot or touch myself privately because my lady, Ronica, thinks that watching porn when you're in a relationship is dirty. She's a prude that way.

Oh, right. The jumper.

So the police call me right after lunch and say that someone is gonna jump. I ask if he asked for me. They say no, but that they know he'll be up there for hours if they try and get him down. I shit you not, they said that. This is when it sucks being a superhero like me. 

Johnny Panic. 

Voted Sexiest Man Alive even before I was legal.

So I fly up to the top of the building and there this guy is. He looks about my age. Okay looking. Not attractive enough for women to throw their draws at but okay. Could dress better. Pants are about two sizes too big. Shirt is ill fitting. Shoes out of style. Maybe that is why he is so sad.

Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Questioning

I am horrible on paper. Some would say in real life, but especially on paper. I have mentioned this to female friends that are safe knowing they would never touch me and my cousin who would never set me up with her friends. When you take a step back and describe exactly what I am like and what I do to someone who has never met me I sound pretty lame.

I went online and found the Match.com list of questions they ask. These are like any other questions you find online for dating or even making friends. I'm not sure how the hell you could find someone that is worth getting up in or letting inside based off of these bullshit things. This is gonna be really bad and make some of you go “No wonder you're single.” That is the thing. If I were good at lying or pretending to be someone else I would be in a relationship.