Saturday, December 8, 2018

Hair Dye Turns Girl Into Garbage Pail Kid

Doing your hair at home. It always sounds like a good idea. Do some highlights. Maybe a little trim. Next thing you know you're leaving the house wearing a hat because you fucked yourself up. This 19 year old from Paris named Estelle decided to dye her hair at home and ended up looking like what she describes as a “light bulb head.” I prefer Garbage Pail Kid. You'll see. By the way, these are those kinda things that do not happen often or have these extreme results but folks like to panic so everyone is gonna be racing to their hair dyes to see if they contain anything that can turn you into the Toxic Avenger. She started with a patch test and left it on for half an hour. All seemed well so she put it all over her head even though the box says to wait 48 hours. That seems weird. Do you just walk around with this one colored spot or something? Either way, she could feel that something just ain't right like a Keith Sweat lyric (if you got that joke marry me) and took some pills and anti-itch shit and immediately rushed to the hospital.

Kidding. She went to bed. 

When she woke up her whole head was fucked. The chemical that got her is known as PPD (paraphenylenediamine) that can cause some reactions in folks. Like her. She rolled that shit hand of the dice and turned into Large Marge. “I could not breathe. I had a lightbulb head. Before arriving at the hospital, you just don't know how long it will take for you to suffocate, if you have the time to get to the hospital or not.” Personally, I would not have even been able to go to sleep with my head feeling like shit. I have lived with Black women who had the shittiest nights' sleep because of their perm, braids, or new weave. Not from pain so much as not wanting to mess it up.

Thursday, December 6, 2018

Five Things I Learned Moving Dead Bodies

Years ago I worked at a hospital as a patient escort. When people would ask me what the job was I would just say “I move people.” I also say that the job does not exist on television. When someone is brought to a hospital on TV and movies you see every doctor that will be doing the operation or whatnot grab a side of the gurney, shout things, rush into a room, and get to work. That is not what happens. The job was way more than that though. I would get a call when someone arrived, told where to take them, do that, and then the slow process of getting someone into a room or whatever would begin.

Besides moving people around I would pick up equipment and take people to places using a wheelchair, their bed, or gurneys. And sometimes I'd have to take dead people to the morgue. There were rarely good days at the hospital but good days included not having to move a dead body. Those days sucked. In this post I am gonna talk about the Five Things I Learned Moving Dead Bodies. If you are a sensitive mortal you probably should not read this because I'll be talking about moving dead folks. Everyone else continue reading this and never ask me why I won't work at a hospital again.

Monday, November 26, 2018

Grown Ass Man Tips: Toenails

I just watched a video of a guy getting an ingrown toenail removed. It was horrifying. Not just because he let it get so bad that he had to see a specialist but because just looking at his other toenails I could tell that this dude probably cut his nails once every few months and did absolutely nothing to take care of things like using lotion of getting rid of dead skin. The shit was foul and not necessary. Growing up my family took care of each others grooming. From haircuts, popping bumps, plucking hairs, cleaning ears, and cutting nails. One time I went over my brothers house and he asked me to cut his toenails and I said “Sure.” His girlfriend at the time and her hot ass cousin were horrified and said he'd been asking them all day. To me it wasn't a big deal. Plus there is the fact that one of my grandfathers got an infected toenail and lost his leg. Fuck that. I am not losing a leg over something as easy to take care of like a toenail. I'm not losing a leg to anything other than an alligator or a terrible snu-snu incident.

I'm not saying you need to buff and shine them. Just every few weeks look at your nails and ask “Can I slice deli meat with these? If I were asked to climb a wall without the use of my hands could I? Are my toenails the color of tea?” If the answer is yes you need to sit your ass down and handle your toenails. It does not take long and it not hard to do. If it physically hurts your body to get into position to cut your own nails then go to a shop. Or handle those random body issues. When I see a dude with jacked up fingernails I can only imagine the horror show that is happening in their shoes. There is no reason for your toenails to look like tree bark. If you said “It doesn't matter 'cause nobody can so them!” then I am gonna go ahead and assume that your dick looks like a briar patch and your fingernails look like an elephant graveyard. Just because someone can not see a problem does not mean it's not a problem. Be an adult and keep your nasty ass vessel clean.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Just Talking With Dante Episode 31

Jasmine has returned and it makes me all of the happy! In this episode we do a recap of our Ultra Fat Tour, Dante rants about voting stickers, a story about a guy spreading religion and getting an arrow in return, talk of Wild Wild Country, Dante wants a cult, talk of the guy with the Thick Neck and turning infamous to famous using the internet, how to get a good mugshot, asking Jasmine who is the better mother in two news stories, a Dear Jasmine segment, the stresses of moving out of home. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Sunday, November 11, 2018

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 7

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

Zazz has fainted by the time I catch him. I tap his cheek and he snorts. I tap him again and he nuzzles into my arms and whimpers. This would be cute if it were my daughter. Or Ronica. Or a puppy. But not a chubby, tear streaked man that smells of onion rings. I don't even know how he manages to get onion rings here on the island but he does. I slowly head back to the ground and Ronica's disapproving glare. She is super pissed. She wasn't even this pissed off when I started that campaign to get Small Wonder brought back with the original cast. She believed that the show was a classic and a reboot would tarnish that. Sure, it turns out that she was right and Vicki the Robot put in maximum 30% effort. But still. I got to be in the music video for the remix of the theme song.

“Put Zazz down” Ronica hisses. Like actually hisses. “You and I need to talk right now, Walter.”

“But the aliens...”


Friday, November 9, 2018

Dante Doesn't Bitch About People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2018

People Magazine announced that Idris Elba was the Sexiest Man Alive for 2018 and the world collectively went “Of course.” I can't think of one person that would disagree with this. “I do!” the guy in the back shouted. Look. I'm not gay but if Idris made a move on me I wouldn't react that way I would if some dude at work or on the street hit on me. What I'm saying is that there would be some internal struggling and dialogue happening. “I'm not gay. But this is Idris Elba. But I'm not gay. Right?” Look. There ain't nothing wrong with admitting that another guy is good looking no matter how straight you are. I am also fully aware that if I was talking to some lady and Idris walked into the room I would suddenly disappear. I would become this tall dark barrier keeping her away from a slightly taller barrier. And way better looking. And cooler.

Thursday, November 8, 2018

Grown Ass Man Tips: Asking For Help

There ain't nothing wrong with asking for help. Lots of guys right now are doing something wrong but are not asking for help. Sure, it is easy to say “Well, because men don't like to ask for help.” I'm not gonna be that general with this because I'm allegedly a man and I know that there is more to it than that. I used to be terrible at asking for help but I was never bad at asking questions. If you showed me how to do something I wouldn't pretend I understood, shove you out the way, and then do a shitty job of it. Till this day I will let you know that the way you said/told/did something made no sense to me and ask for some form of clarification. But for the help part...that had nothing to do with my genitals. That was a pride thing. A not wanting to look weak or stupid thing. A not wanting to appear helpless thing. But now? Help me the fuck out!

I would much rather you think I am stupid, weak, or helpless for asking for help than to fuck something up and have someone else have to do it again later. I know a big part of not being able to ask for help is because of what we think it means to be a man in the first place. What it means to be a man changes every few months so right now we have to play it by ear. All that man shit that your father and your fathers father did? No bueno. You can try, and many men do, but what'll likely happen is you'll be called some form of “ist” be it sexist, racist,or misogynist. Think back to when you were growing up and watched some guy in your life fuck something up by not asking for help. It could have been a father, uncle, brother, cousin, nephew, or even your own son. You don't want to be that guy. The one that does something, claps thinking you did a good job, leave the room, and have people roll their eyes so hard it makes a sound. If you have someone in your life that says it makes you weak to ask for help chances are they are a fuck up and you shouldn't be listening to them anyway.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips

Friday, November 2, 2018

Dante Vs. Nature 77

What in the Barney Fife is this fresh batch of nonsense?! It has been a minute since nature walked into my mental bathroom and kicked me while I was shitting. I was on a friends FB page and saw an image of this creepy ass thing called a humphead parrotfish and thought it was fake. 

That is the problem when nature decides to get real weird with it. The shit don't look real. There are deer with fangs. Bats with huge penises. Fur covered frogs. So when this decided to get out of a Lovecraft dream and into my car I had to do some research. Much to my dismay this is an actual thing that exists on the same planet as me. You know what that feels like for me? Someone that rarely leaves the house and almost never ventures into nature? I don't like it and I don't think it is fair to me. How am I supposed to feel like the big bad human man creature because I got thumbs when there is something living in the water that shits sand? I ain't even lying! These things straight up make sand. Think I'm playing. 'Cause I'm not. I don't play when it comes to two things. Chicken and nature. 

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Grown Ass Man Tips: Being Present

When I am out in the public I notice something that is getting worse with each passing year and that is being present. One definition of it is “having your focus, your attention, your thoughts and feelings all fixed on the task at hand. If you are speaking to somebody, then your attention and energy is focused on him or her and what he or she is saying.” I know this is about giving grown ass men some tips but this applies to everyone. I see people walking down the street having a conversation and texting at the same time. I have talked to people on the phone and hear them texting and saying “Uh-huh” or laughing when nothing funny was said by me because they aren't really paying attention. 

I get it. Being present is hard when there are so many distractions all over the place. But the better you are at being present the more quality time you'll have with people. Know why I'm not constantly snapping pictures when I'm out with friends? Because we're talking and I am able to recall everything we did. I actually have a thought that when I see a lot of pictures taken during a vacation the less fun is being had and the less time you're spending being present.

Friday, October 26, 2018

Kids These Days 78

If the Sad Hulk song had a visual image this would be it. When I first heard about this I didn't feel bad for this kid Teddy Mazzini because they invited a bunch of kids from his school to his 6th birthday party and no one showed up. I'm damn near 40 and have had only two in my life. I felt bad for him because one of his parents was pretty shitty for taking this picture and posting it online. I get it. People like to overshare their kids lives online. A lot of times its shit that does not need to be documented in photo form but it is, like the shame of having a party and no one showing up. This is the kinda stuff that people can end up in therapy over. Seriously. In the next twenty years there are gonna be a metric shit ton of folks in their early 20's in therapy because their parents posted some stuff of or about them online that comes back to haunt them let alone the stuff they post themselves that'll keep them from being employed because for some reason kids think its cute to be racist online. They say that the Internet never forgets. It does. Then it remembers again. Just ask James Gunn.

His dad said “I was bummed, I was bummed out for sure. Teddy, the biggest thing for him was having his classmates there, so not seeing them show up an hour into the party was disappointing. He's 6, so he was distracted by the arcade games, the pizza, he got over it quick. He's tough. But when Sil (the mother) told me she was posting the photo, I told her not to do it, but she did and it took off. It's pretty wild.” Teddy's mother said “I was kind of shocked and then at the end when I had to pay for it, I was upset” regarding the $130 bill for the pizza. “That's why I wrote a message. But I never expected any of this, for this to go so viral.” Ah. So she skipped right past petty which would have been emails to every individual family she invited to messy by making it public. That is the difference between the two by the way. Messy is public. Petty is intimate.

Friday, October 12, 2018

Machinery Hanging Out

There's nothing worse than uninvited penis. Uninvited is usually unexpected and the last place you ever expect to see a penis (all Catholic accusations aside) is in church. But 21 year old North Dakota resident Zachary Burdick was like “You know what this church is missing? Meth. Meth and penis.” So he introduced both to the equation. This week on a Tuesday morning mass at Spirit of Life Church which means that church had the most dedicated of church goers inside because who the hell else goes to church on a Tuesday morning, and got butt booty ass naked. He then got into the baptismal fountain and when he got out he was feeling the wrong kinda spirit and he started jerking it while walking towards the altar. There were 75 people inside the church at the time.

A witness told the police that Zachary splashed around in the fountain and then entered the area with his “machinery hanging” and “pumping” himself up. I laughed when I read that shit. Father Todd Kreitinger was conducting mass at the time and said Zachary had “dipped his rear-end into the Holy Water fountain and splashed around a bit before entering the sanctuary while masturbating.” The price to clean the fountain is said to be $500. I don't know why it costs anything. Just empty it, fill it back up, and bless it. I'm not even sure what kinda fountain it was. There seems to be a lot and they are expensive. When questioned Zachary said that he was tweaking and said he used meth and hashish oil. He also told police that he was trying to “bust a nut” in the church. He's been charged with indecent exposure which will count as a felony because it was within 50 feet of where kids would have been.


Apparently preschoolers were there at the time! And he was also trying to bless people, hopefully not with what I am thinking, and handing out the Book or Mormon. He also wants to be a rapper. This just keeps getting worse. Yep. He also has a kid. After this news broke his baby mama posted “Well, there goes child support.”

Friday, September 7, 2018

Grown Ass Man Tips: Keeping Your Cool

Throwing tantrums only works if you are a toddler or an attractive woman. If you are a grown ass man that starts yelling when you don't get your way chances are people are talking about you behind your back. Sadly, you may not even know that you are doing the opposite of keeping your cool and you're being a punk ass bitch. Yeah. No one wants to be that but how do you know you're being one if no one tells you? The thing is we now live in a time where asking for the truth is only safe around friends and some family. Not all of them because we all know aunt Patty is a gossip. 

There are many ways to learn how to keep your cool. Taking deep breaths. Counting to ten. Learning how to meditate. Float tanks. Exercising some of that bitchassness away. One way to check your keeping cool levels is to ask yourself a few questions and be honest about it. If someone cuts you off in traffic what do you do? Now ask someone who rides in the car with you what you do. If the grocery line is long what sounds do you make? Are they bitch sounds like heavy sighing or passive aggressive watch checking even though you ain't wearing one? When someone raises their voice do you take that as a chance to raise yours even louder?

Thursday, August 30, 2018

The Seven Friends Your Friends Have

Whenever I write posts like these a bit of myself is in some of the personality types I'm shit talking. I do not have many friends. I have people that think they are my friend or closer to me than I have actual friends. I know that I am not an easy friend to have because I have a set of rules that I do not break and if I do it is because that ass was just too good to pass up. I know it is annoying and aggravating to my friends and people getting to know me like when you wonder why Batman won't just kill The Joker.

It's because Batman doesn't kill!

So in this post I am going to talk about The Seven Friends Your Friends Have. I write this knowing that I am some of these things to people at least for the time being. Hell I might be all of them. Meeting the friends of your friends can be either exciting or terrifying depending on what they have told you about them or given you a heads up like “Susan is a close talker.” If I meet someone's friend and they are cool I know that I'll end up being a better friend than my friend if I want. It's happened. It's not pretty.

Monday, August 27, 2018

How Not To Make A Baby

When I first heard this story from Cam I hoped it was fake. I have checked multiple sites and so far it is coming up Milhouse so I decided to write about it. A couple in China were struggling to have a baby after trying for four years of their marriage. The guy was 26 and the lady 24. Young adults. Pretty much toddlers. Their family was all over them because they had not had a kid yet. They went to a doctor to figure out what the deal was and it turns out that they were doing it wrong. Like, way wrong. They were having butt sex to conceive a child. Yeah. Even as I write this I am hoping that this is fake and that someone, let alone two people, do not think that anal sex is how a baby is made.

An obstetrician named Liu Hongmei was told by the wife that sex was painful and worried she may have a disease. The doctor using science determined that the wife was still a virgin and gave them some sex education handbook probably called “Sex For Dummies.” A few months later she got pregnant and they sent her a few chickens and eggs to thank her. It seems that this not knowing how to bone down properly is an actual thing. Sex ain't talked about that way and students have held protests demanding that they get the proper education. Here my whole thing. I knew how to have sex over a decade before it happened. I got a cousin that is equal in intelligence to a wombat that somehow has two kids. He figured that shit out. I don't know how you can have sex with someone for four years and not accidentally knock on the wrong door.

Friday, August 17, 2018

Dante Vs. Nature 76

Some damned fool decided to play a game of slap ass with a hippo at the L.A. Zoo. This ass smacking bandit has not been caught yet but was filmed climbing the way too short for what is inside wall and acting like he was at an Atlanta strip club. The two hippos, Rosie and her daughter Mara, were just minding their business when this guy decided to take the highway to the danger zone and get his smack on. It doesn't seem like smacking a hippo is a bad thing...if you dumb. 

I saw this crazy documentary years ago called Congo with Bruce Campbell and it opened my eyes to the dangers of hippos. Later when the internet became a thing I could watch these creatures that I thought wiggled their ears, flung shit out their butts and swatted it like a fan with their tail, and had little birds eat leavings in their teeth chase Africans at speeds that made no sense and proved that god was not only cruel but liked a good laugh. They say about 500 people are killed by hippos every year in Africa which means the real number is closer to 20,000 because Africa don't wanna look like no punk bitch being killed by river pigs. If I were this guy I'd never want to be caught because showing up to court is gonna be eleven kinds of embarrassing and if he is locked up it is he who will become the hippo. Plus smacking butts is just rude unless they are into it. Then its fun as hell. But not with hippos. Don't smack hippo ass. Ever.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.