Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Grown Ass Man Tips: Ironing

I love ironing. Like, actually love it. I love it so much that I used to iron clothes for friends, girlfriends, and used to make money ironing my brothers work clothes. What I like about ironing is that it soothes my desire to see things change quickly. It was wrinkled and now its not. Lots of people don't even think of whether or not I iron my clothes and almost none of them care. I do. I stay home most of the time and still wear clothes that have been ironed. There is over a months worth of clothes hanging in the closet. 

When I was first allowed to iron my own clothes as a child it made me feel like a sort of adult. I am not someone that wants the world to start ironing their clothes. People say “I don't even own an iron” as if it is surprising to me. Trust. I can tell you don't. I am writing this to say that a lot of dudes have become very comfortable with looking like hobos. Hell, I got jeans that I have bought with holes in them that are ironed but manage to not look like a bum. Ironing to me is like grooming (which I've written about in previous posts). Why would I care to leave the house with my face washed, my nose cleaned, my pubes on fleek, and my nails taken care of but when it comes to my clothes go “Fuck it”? Ironing is just another level of caring about your appearance and showing yourself that you give a bit of a damn about yourself.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.  

Monday, February 12, 2018

Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Cowering

This was written over a two three year period.

You should probably grab a drink. This is gonna be a long one. I've been trying to figure out when I became such a coward. I was listening to a podcast earlier today (Duncan Trussell's Family Hour) and the topic was running from love. Having a fear of being loved. Fear of being rejected. The usual. Now, if you had asked me before I listened to this if I were afraid of love in any form I would've have told you no and thought you were a silly person. But here I am hours later asking myself “What am I afraid of?”

Am I afraid of being rejected? Yes and no. The no part I can say quickly because if that is the answer then I will just deprogram myself and move on with my life. I have been rejected in many forms my whole life not just by girls I have liked but by family, jobs, and friends. But then there is the yes part. That part of the rejection goes deeper than I'd like it to because I do like someone right now. I have actively tried not to for the last few months but its been harder and harder to do it. Go to sleep, there she is. I wake up she's the first person I think of. And the reason why I am afraid of being rejected by her is that being rejected by her will not just represent being rejected by this one beautiful female human.

Its a rejection from women like her.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Dante Vs. Nature 73

Nature needs to cut that weird shit out. Recently I found out about two new insects and I don't like it. People like discovering new things in life but I'm not one of 'em. This thing Eriovixia gryffindori is a spider named after Gryffindor from the Harry Potter series because it looks like the sorting hat used. 

Look at this freak. It was first discovered two years ago in south-western India and it can stay right there as far as I'm concerned. It looks like it could bark. I bet it barks. There ain't shit known about it because it is new but rest assured that it will do some freaky shit I'm not comfortable with. I don't wanna see something in nature that looks like something from a crazy ass kids book. Plus it looks sneaky. Like it would whisper shit about you after you left the room. Just a feeling I have. 

Monday, January 29, 2018

The New 10 Commandments

Whenever I hear anyone mention the 10 Commandments it is from someone who is angry about something or trying to stop people from having all of the fun. I think it is time to update these things for the modern age. And who better than someone that goes to church only when someone dies or gets married? What I'm saying is that I'm not close to the whole religious situation and feel that I can offer some insight to those of you that are.

Obviously, some of these (meaning most) are going to require you to be a somewhat intelligent adult and in control of your mental functions most of the time. So if you are taking all kinds of medications for chemical imbalances and shit you may not be able to accomplish these. Millions of people are on pills these days so I can't even be mad at you. But I forgive you, my child. But not really. I'm a petty deity. I should probably make some loud declaration beforehand like in the bible.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 3

Click here for previous We Got It From Here

Hello. This is Ronica. As you may know I am Johnny Panic's lady for years now and have never been able to tell one of his tales from my point of view. Currently I am because Johnny is unconscious. It has been years since Johnny was knocked out and that was by his brother who I'll get to later. I should go back a little bit to explain how we got to him laying half naked in an Arizona desert with one shoe on.

Last time we all saw Johnny awake was as he took off to confront these spaceships that were hovering above the planet. We aren't talking to the president, little p, so Johnny got some orders and headed to space. A few minutes later the planet felt a tremble, then heard an explosion, and then an hour or so later he was found with one shoe on. Zazz, Milly, Aimee, and I all hopped on a jet and flew to L.A where he was transported to see what was happening.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Finest Female Fighters

I like seeing women fight. Now just WSHH style which tends to have too much profanity for my Christian ears. Back when I was younger I used to watch this lay named Christy Martin that boxed before Mike Tyson fights and she would beat the hell out of other women. Then Laila Ali showed up and fucked everything up. It became a game of “Wait. They can look good and fight?!” For a while she was the only female fighter people were talking about. Didn't matter if another woman was better than her which in all honesty there really wasn't. Female boxers back then were few and far between. Then Gina Carano arrived and fucked the whole game up.

She was an amazing fighter, hot as all get out, and an amazing fighter. Yeah, you could look at her and think she was attractive but she was mostly seen as a good fighter. As a professional fighter she only had seven fights and lost her last against Cris Cyborg and if you watch MMA you know who she is and why she is infamous. Carano now does movies and retired from MMA years ago but the impact she had on the sport in terms of skill and beauty continue to this day. Speaking of impact...

When Your Tobaccy's Too Wacky

Weed is now legal for recreational use in California...legally. For years you hippy sons of bitches have been smoking it regardless. But my friend turned me on to an issue that I hadn't considered when it comes to the mass production of marijuana. No, not if it is organic or not. Fuck that. How about them pesticides? Yeah. That thought never crossed my mind until Cam mentioned it after listening to a podcast discussing it. Besides trying to figure out licensing and banking these shops and the consumers need to know what is being sprayed on shit that they will be smoking and in some cases eating. 

Right now there are over 1,300 medical dispensaries and they have until the middle of this year to sell all their possibly poisoned weed. I am making it sound way more dramatic than it is. Or maybe not dramatic enough. I have self diagnosed mental issues and can't always tell the difference. By summer time there are going to be stronger standards about having crops tested for pesticides and the amount so be worried when shit becomes cheaper in June. Under California's current marijuana laws it is said that less than 5% of the inventory has been tested for contaminants. Some of these can be fungicides and rodent killers.

The Tide Pod Challenge Is A Thing

Breaking news. Kids may be dumber than suspected. I saw this online and I hope that it is just the news making something out of nothing but it may be happening more than we are aware and that makes my brain sneeze. I have written about some dumb ass challenges that people do and post online like eating donuts, slipping on banana peels, snorting condoms, making themselves ugly, sucking bottles with their lips, setting themselves on fire, stabbing their hands while singing, and pouring salt and ice on their bodies. You know. Things folks think are fun to do for views. This time there is the Tide Pod Challenge. Yeah. That is a thing.

Tide Pods are for doing laundry. You just toss it in the laundry, it bursts somehow through science, and washes your draws. But now people are putting them on their mouths and eating or biting them. Why? If I could tell you why with a definitive answer I'd figure out a way to save the universe which I think I am currently doing by not reproducing.

On one news show the reporter said “I can't even believe I have to say this right now. They are brightly colored and they're very nicely wrapped, but these Tide pods are not candy or pizza toppings or breakfast cereal - they are not edible.” You shouldn't have to say that aloud to anyone that is old enough to understand the language you are speaking. 

Hey, idiot. Laundry detergent can fuck you up. I wish it made idiots sterile. I know that I could not be the parent of a kid that thought doing something like this was a good idea. I wouldn't even take them to the hospital. I'd just stare at them while they shit their soul out and try to find the missing chromosome in my lineage that could possibly be responsible for the punishment I was receiving in the form of a dumb child. Yeah, I snorted detergent when I was a tiny kid but it wasn't because I saw it on TV. I knew that cocaine was a thing and was simulating it. Totally different...

Monday, January 8, 2018

H&M Does Something Stupid And Apologizes

The clothing company H&M is getting a metric shit ton of heat from the internet for posting this a with young Black child wearing a sweater that says “Coolest monkey in the jungle.” If you have to ask yourself why this is a problem you need to add more colors to your friend palette. H&M was using this ad online and after people reminded them how fucked up it was they released a statement saying “The image has been removed from all online channels and the product will not be for sale in the United States. We believe in diversity and inclusion in all that we do and will be reviewing all our internal policies accordingly to avoid any future issues.” Yeah. Elsewhere you can likely buy it. Just not in the U.S. Because racist.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Kids These Days 75

When I was a kid shit was different. Way to start off stating the obvious. In this post I am gonna write about a few things from when I was little that you don't see much of anymore or hear about. Like this goddamn floor furnace. I didn't even know what it was called. I called it the floor heater aka The Jump Across The Room Maker. I swear, I should have the longest long jump in the world because of this thing. 

It wasn't like it was in the corner where no one had to walk. This shit was right in the living room just outside the hallway door. I wouldn't even know it was on unless I turned it on myself or just happened to step on it which I did dozens of times. There is nothing that will wake your ass up like stepping on a 200 degree piece of metal. I haven't even mentioned how big it was. It was about five feet long and maybe two and a half feet wide. Just big as shit and right there for me to step on when it was on fire or get my toes stuck in at other times. This thing was the devil and I don't know why it was made the way it was. It sounds like a joke that went to far. “Hey, crazy idea. What if we put a huge heater on the floor?” No wonder my ass walk looking at the ground. I got post traumatic furnace disorder! 

Logan Paul Is A Kid You Don't Know That Is Stupid

I live in the web. I go to the parts of the internet that people tend to ignore because there is some strange, stupid shit there. Sometimes you find some cool stuff like new songs, movies, or hot chicks that are famous for having drastic asses (which is now the name of my new metal band). A child of the internet (meaning someone in their young 20's) named Logan Paul is a famous internet personality. He has 16 million idiots following him on Instagram. Gets a shit ton of watchers on Youtube. For those who may not know, you can make a career out of posting videos online. How? Advertising. You get paid having ads, for views, and being sponsored. Get a few million people watching your shit and you do not have to leave the house anymore.

He is a good example of how I view most kids. On the 31st of December he posted a video while in Japan at the “Sea of Trees” also know as Aokigahara. I have watched documentaries about this place. It is known for people going there to attempt suicide or straight up do it. Shortly after arriving he and his crew found a man hanging. “Yo, are you alive? Are you fucking with us?” he asked the dead man. He posted the video stating “This is not clickbait. This is the most real vlog I've ever posted to this channel. I think this definitely marks a moment in YouTube history because I'm pretty sure this has never hopefully happened to anyone on YouTube ever. Now with that said: Buckle the fuck up, because you're never gonna see a video like this again!”

Saturday, December 30, 2017

The Seven People You Meet Around New Years

It is almost a new year and when the New Year's comes people get weird as fuck. That is why I have written The Seven People You Meet Around New Years. This is a quick guide to recognizing who is around you at this time of year and you may find yourself in one of these. You probably will. Not me though. Why? Because I'm the greatest man that ever lived and a goddamn national treasure that needs to be respected as such, that's why. Stop asking so many questions. And I stay home. On New Year's I have been to churches, raves, parties, in the streets, and just stayed my Black ass at home. I prefer the last one because I will not bump into any of the things on my list. But if anyone wants to swing on over for a free mustache ride...

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 2

Just as I finished getting dressed in my black jeans, turquoise Converse, and gray t-shirt my phone rings. I know the number. It's the president with a small P. I ignore the call and go fix my hair. My phone rings again and I continue to ignore it because fuck that guy. The public thinks he is all cool and smooth like “Ooh, look at me. My name is all crazy but I'm still the president from Chicago.” He has a Mortal Kombat character name.

“Why aren't you answering the phone?” Ronica shouts to me from downstairs. “You know he's gonna just keep calling.”

“Let him keep calling I don't even care” I say. “He probably knew that aliens were on their way weeks ago and decided to try and be the big man and not tell me.” I decide to check the messages president left.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 1

“I am rock hard right now!” I screamed. Ronica woke me up at 8 in the morning which meant that either she was ready to have her pants raided like a village or the planet was being invaded. Either way I win. I headed downstairs and Ronica, Milly, Zazz, and Aimee were all watching the TV looking nervous. The reporter was sweating through his makeup while I stretched and regretted getting this 7K HD television.

“...continue to come in with a strange communication from a large ship just beyond the moon. Reports say that the ship is possibly twelve miles in diameter and...”

“Why didn't they call me as soon as they saw this shit?” I ask no one.

“Maybe they wanted to handle it themselves” Zazz said through a mouthful of eggs and cheese.

“You look like a gerbil eating another gerbil” I told him and high-fived Milly who pointed at Zazz and laughed. “She smart. Well, if the government wanna act like that then they can just fight these aliens alone. I won't lift a single well manicured finger to help. Not one!”

72 Inch Ass

I saw a woman with a 72 inch ass. Not in, like, real life. But online. By the way, for those of you that use words like “triggered” or say things like “it's their body they can do what they want” you should just click away from this right now unless you want to debate someone that only debates things like Batman, the best wrestlers from the 80's, and making bets on the next time I get some ass. You still here? Okay good. Now prepare to have some random ass Black dude talk to you about some woman in Europe that decided to mutilate her body. “But you have tattoos, Dante! You have damaged your body as well!” Ah, fuck off. It's not the same and you know it.