Tuesday, August 16, 2016

My Current Jam: Michelle Jenneke


There are some women that have happy faces and when I see their faces it makes me happy. Michelle Jenneke is one of those people. I have a few friends like this (as all you should) but I don't have friends that can run like her. At least to my knowledge. She is an Australian Olympic runner an hurdler which I appreciate because I only like events that have practical uses and yes tumbling also counts as one of those practical things. She's won all of the medals including the Dante one. That's a real thing. Shut up.

Friday, August 12, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 9


In this episode I talk about stupid ass June bugs, dinner with Camille, Olympics, a man hitting on me at the thrift store, pants with elastic ankles, and how to survive shark attack. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 8


In this all over the damned place episode I talk about hanging out with friends, getting mad dogged by old women, poo scented bus rides, abortions, sex songs, and my name being my name. Click here to download this and previous Just Talking With Dante episodes. Glorious!!!

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 7


In this episode I talk about meeting up with the past, people being more violent than they need to be, and general nonsense. Click here for previous episodes.

Friday, July 15, 2016

My Current Jam: Demi Lovato


I have a thing for Demi Lovato right now. She my jam. Been my jam for a couple weeks. I know nothing about her. I didn't know that her full name was Demetria Devonne Lovato. I thought it was Demi. I had seen her a few times or heard about her on TMZ randomly through the years. I also knew that she had an eating disorder and a drug and alcohol issue. And you know what? Good for her. We all gotta have some issue. If one of her songs came on the radio I wouldn't be able to tell you that it was her with 100% certainty. Like with most chicks I saw a video and/or picture that made me go “I think she would fit nicely on my face...”

Pokemon Go! Causing L's All Over The World

If you go online and just search for Pokemon Go! accidents a lot of things will pop up. As of right now the headlines say two men fell down a cliff looking for Pokemon, two officers were hurt when someone backed into their cruiser, in Pennsylvania a 15 year old girl was hit by a car playing the game because she crossed a highway, a kid in Britain was hit by a motorcycle crossing the road playing the game, four people had to be rescued from a cave, and a pileup occurring when a guy stopped his car in the middle of a highway in Massachusetts to catch a Pikachu. When these stories started popping up I thought they were made up because I for some reason still have a small amount of faith in humanity. One story I thought was a perfect storm of stupid involves a 28 year old guy named Steven Carry that broke his ankle and got lacerations on his legs after he crashed his younger brothers car into a tree trying to catch a Lapras while driving and playing the game.

His mother spoke in an email, which I never suggest a prent does when their child does something ridiculous, saying that Steven was “injured and extremely tired right now” and “my son is a former marine who is trying to be a firefighter and EMT.” I can just imagine him being pulled from the wreckage imagining that he were on the other end of it and not looking at his mangled legs because he had to catch 'em all while driving. His family has launched a campaign to raise $3,000 to replace the car that was wrecked. Yeah...but no.  

Playmate Dani Mathers Shames Woman...And Nothing Will Happen

A lot of people suck. Its a scientific fact. What science? Shut up. That's for you to find out. I heard about this story and hoped that there was a little more to it than what was being reported but it turns out that there is not. Just a woman being an asshole and then pretending that she isn't as big of an asshole that this is. 29 year old Playboy Playmate of 2015 (which is still a thing) Dani Mathers was at the gym in the locker room when she decided to take a picture and sharing it on her Snapchat. The image is of a woman butt booty ass naked at the gym changing. She is nude and unlike Mathers I have cut the woman out of the picture because as much of a dick that I am there is a certain level of human decency that I have managed to hold on to despite being raised in the 80's.

After people went H.A.M on her she deleted the image but it was too late much like everything posted online. Especially when you have 553,000 followers on Instagram, 75,000 on Twitter (which as of this writing is gone), and one million on Facebook. She ended up apologizing saying “I just want to acknowledge a photo that I accidentally posted. It was absolutely wrong and not what I meant to do. I chose to do what I do for a living because I love the female body and I know body shaming is wrong, that's not what I'm about and this is not the type of person I am. The photo was taken as part of a personal conversation with a girlfriend and because I am new to Snapchat I didn't realize I had posted it, and that was a huge mistake. I know I have upset a lot of people out there but please believe me this is not the type of person that I am. I have never done this before and I will never do this again, you have my word.”

Allow me to translate what she said into for reals speak.

Monday, July 11, 2016

Five Things I Learned Ain't Sexy To Me


There are a lot of things that folks find sexy that I don't. Like abs on women. I know some people think that's the jam but to me its not. Hey. This is my blog. I can say whatever I want. I have written the Five Things I Learned Ain't Sexy To Me. I am sure you may disagree with this and you are free to be as wrong as you want.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

My Current Jam: Asuka


Its funny how you can see someone a bunch of times and never think that they are that attractive and then one day they'll do something and you'll go “Oh. Well. It appears that I like that.” And by “you'll” I mean your penis. I had seen this wrestler named Asuka in NXT formerly known as Kana real name Kanako Urai a couple years back and thought she looked cool but it went no further than that. And then one day while looking for pictures to insert myself into I came across an animated gif of her and my face melted, my pants changed shape, and I started looking at this crazy ass chick in a different way. I think my voice got deeper too. Anyhoot, this is the image that got me.

While You Were Sleeping: Officer Caesar Goodson Jr. Trial


You all remember Freddie Gray right? I know that he could easily be lost in the amount of Black men and women being killed by police or in their custody particularly the last few years. He was the one given the “rough ride” and died in custody last year. One of the officers that was given the largest amount of charges was officer Caesar Goodson Jr. One charge was second-degree depraved heart murder which I'd never heard of an had to look up. It states that it is “the form of murder that establishes that the willful doing of a dangerous and reckless act with wanton indifference to the consequences and perils involved, is just as blameworthy, and just as worthy of punishment, when the harmful result ensues, as is the express intent to kill itself. This highly blameworthy state of mind is not one of mere negligence. It is not merely one even of gross criminal negligence.”

Friday, June 17, 2016

My Current Jam: Rin Nakai


There is close to no consistency in the type of women that I like looking at. Looking at. Not dating. Not having sex with. Not even talking to. There are some women that I like to look at, smile, and go about my day. A few months ago I discovered this chick named Rin Nakai after hearing her mentioned on a podcast and the guys started shitting on her looks. Of course me being me I had to look for her and was pleasantly surprised by the way she looked. Lots of female MMA fighters are really hard bodied or look like they battle using the face to fist style but not Nakai. She is cute and would easily flip me to the ground and have me screaming to my ancestors for help.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Dante Saves You: Purge Edition


I know its been a long ass time since I've done one of these and in that time you and your dumb ass friends have probably managed to get yourselves in all kinds of trouble involving guns, fires, and wayward children. But I am now back with this Dante Saves You Purge Edition! I have seen two of the Purge films that have come out so far (click here and here to read those) and they are a lesson in what not to do in a planned dangerous situation. There is another one coming out and I'm sure if I waited I could come up with five more things you could avoid by just not being stupid.

Stay Inside


Every year for 12 hours starting at 7pm and ending at 7am everyone in America is allowed to murder, rape, and just generally fuck shit up legally. Everyone knows it coming and smart people prepare by gathering as many weapons as they can with a list of people they want to wreck. Or...you forget that you didn't grab dinner months or even weeks in advance and decide that you really want that turkey burger and head to the store at 6:56pm hoping to get home before the Purge starts. You deserve to die!

Monday, June 13, 2016

Kids These Days 67

Whatever happened to just telling a punkass kid “No”? The new Finding Dory movie is coming out and pet stores and people that care about fish in general are worried about a bunch of parents that are controlled by their children will show up in droves buying these expensive and hard to take care of fish because they can't tell their kids to stop being stupid and go clean their room because it smells like fruit and ass and the laundry hamper looks brand new because clothes are never put in it. Years ago this same thing happened with clown fish after Finding Nemo came out. Same with turtles after Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Dory is based off of a fish known as a blue tang. I knew nothing of this type of fish and had to find some basic information. Turns out that the blue tang fish ain't nothing to fuck with. I just made that up and if you hear it anywhere else you'll think of me. You're welcome. 

These are known as surgeon fish and are important to reef control. They live in spots between six and 131 feet deep which is a bit different than that shitty little tank you have in your living room. They live in waters all the way from New York to Brazil and can live between right to 20 years. Read that again. That is a long ass time to have something that is gonna just swim in circles watching you sleep and wondering why its in this tank watching you grow up from a spoiled brat to a heathen that rubs its genitals against any hard surface before forgetting to feed it for a few days because life happened. Oh, and they get about a foot long. I would never have thought that. I would have guessed maybe five inches tops. Like dicks. 

Thursday, June 9, 2016

While You Were Sleeping: Rapist Brock Allen Turner

I heard about this case a few days ago and wanted to wait for more information to come out. So far its been nothing but more bullshit proving that some humans are just terrible people that do not deserve to be alive. Brock Allen Turner who was born on August 1st 1995 was convicted for sexually assaulting a 22 year old woman behind a dumpster while she was unconscious before being found by two Swedish guys that caught him, one asking him “Why are you smiling?” as he tried to escape. This took place at the Stanford campus. In March he was convicted of three felony sexual assault charges and sentenced to 6 months in jail and three years probation but will actually spend about three months inside if he behaves himself. That is a far cry from the six years that were being asked for.

Turner, his father Dan Turner, and the victim have all released various statements regarding what occurred that night. I'll start with this piece of fucking shit Brock. Seriously, after posting what everyone said I'll comment on this guy, his father, the victim, and the way I feel about humanity regarding all of this. I'll be editing a lot of their content but if you want to read any of it in its entirety it is available online.

Brock Turner: “The night of January 17th changed my life and the lives of everyone involved forever. I can never go back to being the person I was before that day. I am no longer a swimmer, a student, a resident of California, or the product of the work that I put in to accomplish the goals that I set out in the first nineteen years of my life. Not only have I altered my life, but I've also changed [redacted] and her family's life. I am the sole proprietor of what happened on the night that these people's lives were changed forever. I would give anything to change what happened that night. I can never forgive myself for imposing trauma and pain on [redacted].

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The Spider Princess & Big Baby Part 1


There was once a young Spider Princess. Her real name isn't important. Accept that and I can continue with this horrid tale of betrayal, greed, and envy. The Spider Princess was never once a beautiful princess. There was no curse. No wicked witch being turned away one dark and stormy night vexing the bloodline. She was born a Spider Princess to a normal, lovely king and queen. There names have since been stricken from the records and we dare not speak of their whereabouts.

Ever.

With a name like Spider Princess you would expect the kingdom to be dark. Covered with webs. Black, mystery goo dripping from every crevice. Screams of terror filling the halls. No. This was not the case. One would describe the kingdom as “Meh.” A modestly designed, large castle with a simple moat with a boring drawbridge that led to an okay kingdom with simple peasants. I should also point out that the kingdom had no name. Outsiders referred to it as The Dark Kingdom. The Shadowy Somber. Desolation's Keep. Tenebrous Manor. The Faint Palace. Murky Donjon. Or The Shaded Chateau.

But never to the Spider Princess' face.