Thursday, September 22, 2016

My Current Jam: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is 5 foot 9 and 155lbs. of hot chocolate. She was born in Saginaw, Michigan and moved to Compton when she was little and started practicing tennis by the age of 3. Know I was doing at 3? Watching game shows and knowing how to read. She has won twenty one Grand Slam titles, thirteen in doubles, two in mixed doubles, and four Olympic gold medals. She is 34 years old (very much in my dating age bracket) and the oldest ranking female tennis player to be number one. She is one of those people that seems like she can not not be a champion or strive to be but she also seems fun as fuck.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 11

Jasmine has returned! We talk about the donuts and burgers we ate today, Jasmine gets distracted by a unicycle, broken Black people, the dirty truth about CPR, ugly child actors, Dante wanting an obsessed woman, and other things that can not be recalled. Its fun. Click here for previous episodes.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Racist Or Stupid?

The internet is not your friend. That is the biggest message I want to get across with this random ass blog post. A Kansas State University student by the name of Paige Shoemaker posted an image on her Snapchat with a friend wearing facial masks with the caption “Feels good to finally be a ni**a.” Another student posted the image on Twitter and all hell broke loose. 

Shoemaker ended up writing an apology for herself and her friend in the image Sadie Meier on Facebook. Let me translate this for a second. These two girls did something stupid in the new village of Snapchat and someone in the neighboring town of Twitter heard about it Shoemaker ended up having to apologize for it on the older and much larger city of Facebook.

“We clearly understand that what was said and done was completely disrespectful. I did want to inform everyone that it was NOT 'black face,' but it was a L'OrĂ©al clay facial mask. The signs that were thrown also is an inside joke between our friends that represents 'West Coast is the best coast.' We never intended for the picture to offend anyone.” Is there anyone that actually admits when they are trying to offend someone?

Thursday, September 15, 2016

People Hating On #TeacherBae

I saw this picture of a fine ass woman on Yahoo the other day at work and showed it to a coworker and asked “Did any of your teachers ever look like this? Ever?!” The answer was no. My answer is hell no. I have never had a teacher this damned fine. Had a couple cute ones but never one that would have made me have to adjust my draws every ten seconds. This is Atlanta 2nd grade teacher Patrice Brown aka #TeacherBae and the less creative Ms. Thicky Fine Teacher Bae. Its hard enough to be I hear. It hard to be a teacher as well because children are usually the devil. I could not imagine being a hot ass teacher and not just because of the horndog kids but the horndog fathers and angry ass mothers you know she has to encounter.

People online are mad because the world is full of haters. Any guy hating on her is doing it to get points from other women. “Hey! I'm on your team! Want some dick?” Any woman hating on her is doing so because that's what women tend to do. Women hate women. Yeah, I said it. Women ha-a-ate other women most of the time so you know if you are built like the Kool-Aid Man or have a shit bag of a husband and are just naturally upset you are gonna hate on this girl. I say girl because she is too young for me to date being in her 20's.

Her clothing is being called too sexy for teaching. Look. Its hard enough to get kids to remember to wipe their asses let alone what teacher wore that day. Plus, I have seen women at Faithful Central Church in Inglewood wearing shit on a Sunday morning that makes what Ms. Brown wears look like a burqa. Can she wear looser clothing? For sure. But fuck that. If I were a woman with a body like hers I would show the shit out of it. You want her to wear 90's style baggy clothes? Fuck outta here with that. Even though I'm a terrible human being and am staring at her pictures hard enough to give her shivers its awesome that she is taking of the terrible task of teaching children.

But still. Haters.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Booty Spray For Fools

People like big butts. Its usually guys that get pegged with this love of big butts when for the most part a guy just wants someone that is nice to them. I can feel the amount of eyes rolling but thankfully its not that many because folks don't read this shit. 

In this case I am gonna put the blame squarely on the shoulders of insecure ladies. I can do without a big ass. I have had girlfriends that had negative ass and ones that had ones so nice I almost proposed to them. Nowadays women are running around either wearing draws with fake asses, getting implants, or getting injections.

Or booty spray.

I first heard of this product called Apex Vitality Booty Pop after reading about Blac Chyna getting dragged through the mud for endorsing it. I Googled “fake ass” and the second image to pop up was her butt looking eleven kinds of strange. Her as are as real as my honest intentions with your 25 year old daughter. I had to go to a “review” for this Apex product and see what the hell it was exactly.

“Apex Vitality Booty Pop has a very silky texture and gets absorbed in a very few second. Just spray it directly on your hips and massage it gently until it is absorbed into the skin of your hips. In the first few day the area over there will start to look smooth and soft and before you know it your hips will plump in the shape you have wanted them to be. To sustain the results for forever, I would advise you to continue applying this cream for maximum 60 days.”

My Current Jam: Angelina Castro

If you're one of those not fun people that are against porn or you get laid so much that you don't give a damn then this post is not for you. I will sit here and say that Angelina Castro is my current jam when she has been so for about two years now. I can't remember the first video I ever saw her in but the first thing I noticed was that she actually looked like she was enjoying having sex (yes, I notice when someone is not into it or just bad at acting like they do) and the second was her banging ass body. And that she kinda looks like one of my ex girlfriends. They could be sisters. This may be a chick thing too but there is no feeling like finding a porn star that looks like someone you dated but don't hate or someone you like that you know will never have the sex with you. Its like a fist bump from Jesus because he feels bad for you.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 10

In this random ass episode fueled by residual iced coffee residue and lemonade I talk about having discussions with an old lady at the bus stop, pitbulls on the bus, getting schwifty, and trigger warnings. Click here to check this and previous episodes out.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

My Current Jam: Michelle Jenneke

There are some women that have happy faces and when I see their faces it makes me happy. Michelle Jenneke is one of those people. I have a few friends like this (as all you should) but I don't have friends that can run like her. At least to my knowledge. She is an Australian Olympic runner an hurdler which I appreciate because I only like events that have practical uses and yes tumbling also counts as one of those practical things. She's won all of the medals including the Dante one. That's a real thing. Shut up.

Friday, August 12, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 9

In this episode I talk about stupid ass June bugs, dinner with Camille, Olympics, a man hitting on me at the thrift store, pants with elastic ankles, and how to survive shark attack. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 8

In this all over the damned place episode I talk about hanging out with friends, getting mad dogged by old women, poo scented bus rides, abortions, sex songs, and my name being my name. Click here to download this and previous Just Talking With Dante episodes. Glorious!!!

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Just Talking With Dante Episode 7

In this episode I talk about meeting up with the past, people being more violent than they need to be, and general nonsense. Click here for previous episodes.

Friday, July 15, 2016

My Current Jam: Demi Lovato

I have a thing for Demi Lovato right now. She my jam. Been my jam for a couple weeks. I know nothing about her. I didn't know that her full name was Demetria Devonne Lovato. I thought it was Demi. I had seen her a few times or heard about her on TMZ randomly through the years. I also knew that she had an eating disorder and a drug and alcohol issue. And you know what? Good for her. We all gotta have some issue. If one of her songs came on the radio I wouldn't be able to tell you that it was her with 100% certainty. Like with most chicks I saw a video and/or picture that made me go “I think she would fit nicely on my face...”

Pokemon Go! Causing L's All Over The World

If you go online and just search for Pokemon Go! accidents a lot of things will pop up. As of right now the headlines say two men fell down a cliff looking for Pokemon, two officers were hurt when someone backed into their cruiser, in Pennsylvania a 15 year old girl was hit by a car playing the game because she crossed a highway, a kid in Britain was hit by a motorcycle crossing the road playing the game, four people had to be rescued from a cave, and a pileup occurring when a guy stopped his car in the middle of a highway in Massachusetts to catch a Pikachu. When these stories started popping up I thought they were made up because I for some reason still have a small amount of faith in humanity. One story I thought was a perfect storm of stupid involves a 28 year old guy named Steven Carry that broke his ankle and got lacerations on his legs after he crashed his younger brothers car into a tree trying to catch a Lapras while driving and playing the game.

His mother spoke in an email, which I never suggest a prent does when their child does something ridiculous, saying that Steven was “injured and extremely tired right now” and “my son is a former marine who is trying to be a firefighter and EMT.” I can just imagine him being pulled from the wreckage imagining that he were on the other end of it and not looking at his mangled legs because he had to catch 'em all while driving. His family has launched a campaign to raise $3,000 to replace the car that was wrecked. Yeah...but no.  

Playmate Dani Mathers Shames Woman...And Nothing Will Happen

A lot of people suck. Its a scientific fact. What science? Shut up. That's for you to find out. I heard about this story and hoped that there was a little more to it than what was being reported but it turns out that there is not. Just a woman being an asshole and then pretending that she isn't as big of an asshole that this is. 29 year old Playboy Playmate of 2015 (which is still a thing) Dani Mathers was at the gym in the locker room when she decided to take a picture and sharing it on her Snapchat. The image is of a woman butt booty ass naked at the gym changing. She is nude and unlike Mathers I have cut the woman out of the picture because as much of a dick that I am there is a certain level of human decency that I have managed to hold on to despite being raised in the 80's.

After people went H.A.M on her she deleted the image but it was too late much like everything posted online. Especially when you have 553,000 followers on Instagram, 75,000 on Twitter (which as of this writing is gone), and one million on Facebook. She ended up apologizing saying “I just want to acknowledge a photo that I accidentally posted. It was absolutely wrong and not what I meant to do. I chose to do what I do for a living because I love the female body and I know body shaming is wrong, that's not what I'm about and this is not the type of person I am. The photo was taken as part of a personal conversation with a girlfriend and because I am new to Snapchat I didn't realize I had posted it, and that was a huge mistake. I know I have upset a lot of people out there but please believe me this is not the type of person that I am. I have never done this before and I will never do this again, you have my word.”

Allow me to translate what she said into for reals speak.

Monday, July 11, 2016

Five Things I Learned Ain't Sexy To Me

There are a lot of things that folks find sexy that I don't. Like abs on women. I know some people think that's the jam but to me its not. Hey. This is my blog. I can say whatever I want. I have written the Five Things I Learned Ain't Sexy To Me. I am sure you may disagree with this and you are free to be as wrong as you want.