Tuesday, January 16, 2018

The Tide Pod Challenge Is A Thing

Breaking news. Kids may be dumber than suspected. I saw this online and I hope that it is just the news making something out of nothing but it may be happening more than we are aware and that makes my brain sneeze. I have written about some dumb ass challenges that people do and post online like eating donuts, slipping on banana peels, snorting condoms, making themselves ugly, sucking bottles with their lips, setting themselves on fire, stabbing their hands while singing, and pouring salt and ice on their bodies. You know. Things folks think are fun to do for views. This time there is the Tide Pod Challenge. Yeah. That is a thing.

Tide Pods are for doing laundry. You just toss it in the laundry, it bursts somehow through science, and washes your draws. But now people are putting them on their mouths and eating or biting them. Why? If I could tell you why with a definitive answer I'd figure out a way to save the universe which I think I am currently doing by not reproducing.

On one news show the reporter said “I can't even believe I have to say this right now. They are brightly colored and they're very nicely wrapped, but these Tide pods are not candy or pizza toppings or breakfast cereal - they are not edible.” You shouldn't have to say that aloud to anyone that is old enough to understand the language you are speaking. 

Hey, idiot. Laundry detergent can fuck you up. I wish it made idiots sterile. I know that I could not be the parent of a kid that thought doing something like this was a good idea. I wouldn't even take them to the hospital. I'd just stare at them while they shit their soul out and try to find the missing chromosome in my lineage that could possibly be responsible for the punishment I was receiving in the form of a dumb child. Yeah, I snorted detergent when I was a tiny kid but it wasn't because I saw it on TV. I knew that cocaine was a thing and was simulating it. Totally different...

Monday, January 8, 2018

H&M Does Something Stupid And Apologizes

The clothing company H&M is getting a metric shit ton of heat from the internet for posting this a with young Black child wearing a sweater that says “Coolest monkey in the jungle.” If you have to ask yourself why this is a problem you need to add more colors to your friend palette. H&M was using this ad online and after people reminded them how fucked up it was they released a statement saying “The image has been removed from all online channels and the product will not be for sale in the United States. We believe in diversity and inclusion in all that we do and will be reviewing all our internal policies accordingly to avoid any future issues.” Yeah. Elsewhere you can likely buy it. Just not in the U.S. Because racist.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Kids These Days 75

When I was a kid shit was different. Way to start off stating the obvious. In this post I am gonna write about a few things from when I was little that you don't see much of anymore or hear about. Like this goddamn floor furnace. I didn't even know what it was called. I called it the floor heater aka The Jump Across The Room Maker. I swear, I should have the longest long jump in the world because of this thing. 

It wasn't like it was in the corner where no one had to walk. This shit was right in the living room just outside the hallway door. I wouldn't even know it was on unless I turned it on myself or just happened to step on it which I did dozens of times. There is nothing that will wake your ass up like stepping on a 200 degree piece of metal. I haven't even mentioned how big it was. It was about five feet long and maybe two and a half feet wide. Just big as shit and right there for me to step on when it was on fire or get my toes stuck in at other times. This thing was the devil and I don't know why it was made the way it was. It sounds like a joke that went to far. “Hey, crazy idea. What if we put a huge heater on the floor?” No wonder my ass walk looking at the ground. I got post traumatic furnace disorder! 

Logan Paul Is A Kid You Don't Know That Is Stupid

I live in the web. I go to the parts of the internet that people tend to ignore because there is some strange, stupid shit there. Sometimes you find some cool stuff like new songs, movies, or hot chicks that are famous for having drastic asses (which is now the name of my new metal band). A child of the internet (meaning someone in their young 20's) named Logan Paul is a famous internet personality. He has 16 million idiots following him on Instagram. Gets a shit ton of watchers on Youtube. For those who may not know, you can make a career out of posting videos online. How? Advertising. You get paid having ads, for views, and being sponsored. Get a few million people watching your shit and you do not have to leave the house anymore.

He is a good example of how I view most kids. On the 31st of December he posted a video while in Japan at the “Sea of Trees” also know as Aokigahara. I have watched documentaries about this place. It is known for people going there to attempt suicide or straight up do it. Shortly after arriving he and his crew found a man hanging. “Yo, are you alive? Are you fucking with us?” he asked the dead man. He posted the video stating “This is not clickbait. This is the most real vlog I've ever posted to this channel. I think this definitely marks a moment in YouTube history because I'm pretty sure this has never hopefully happened to anyone on YouTube ever. Now with that said: Buckle the fuck up, because you're never gonna see a video like this again!”

Saturday, December 30, 2017

The Seven People You Meet Around New Years

It is almost a new year and when the New Year's comes people get weird as fuck. That is why I have written The Seven People You Meet Around New Years. This is a quick guide to recognizing who is around you at this time of year and you may find yourself in one of these. You probably will. Not me though. Why? Because I'm the greatest man that ever lived and a goddamn national treasure that needs to be respected as such, that's why. Stop asking so many questions. And I stay home. On New Year's I have been to churches, raves, parties, in the streets, and just stayed my Black ass at home. I prefer the last one because I will not bump into any of the things on my list. But if anyone wants to swing on over for a free mustache ride...

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 2

Just as I finished getting dressed in my black jeans, turquoise Converse, and gray t-shirt my phone rings. I know the number. It's the president with a small P. I ignore the call and go fix my hair. My phone rings again and I continue to ignore it because fuck that guy. The public thinks he is all cool and smooth like “Ooh, look at me. My name is all crazy but I'm still the president from Chicago.” He has a Mortal Kombat character name.

“Why aren't you answering the phone?” Ronica shouts to me from downstairs. “You know he's gonna just keep calling.”

“Let him keep calling I don't even care” I say. “He probably knew that aliens were on their way weeks ago and decided to try and be the big man and not tell me.” I decide to check the messages president left.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 1

“I am rock hard right now!” I screamed. Ronica woke me up at 8 in the morning which meant that either she was ready to have her pants raided like a village or the planet was being invaded. Either way I win. I headed downstairs and Ronica, Milly, Zazz, and Aimee were all watching the TV looking nervous. The reporter was sweating through his makeup while I stretched and regretted getting this 7K HD television.

“...continue to come in with a strange communication from a large ship just beyond the moon. Reports say that the ship is possibly twelve miles in diameter and...”

“Why didn't they call me as soon as they saw this shit?” I ask no one.

“Maybe they wanted to handle it themselves” Zazz said through a mouthful of eggs and cheese.

“You look like a gerbil eating another gerbil” I told him and high-fived Milly who pointed at Zazz and laughed. “She smart. Well, if the government wanna act like that then they can just fight these aliens alone. I won't lift a single well manicured finger to help. Not one!”

72 Inch Ass

I saw a woman with a 72 inch ass. Not in, like, real life. But online. By the way, for those of you that use words like “triggered” or say things like “it's their body they can do what they want” you should just click away from this right now unless you want to debate someone that only debates things like Batman, the best wrestlers from the 80's, and making bets on the next time I get some ass. You still here? Okay good. Now prepare to have some random ass Black dude talk to you about some woman in Europe that decided to mutilate her body. “But you have tattoos, Dante! You have damaged your body as well!” Ah, fuck off. It's not the same and you know it.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Dante Vs. Nature 72

The thing that I don't like about the outdoors is that nature is always hiding some weird shit from me. Like this thing. It's called the Patagonian mara. For sure pick a species. For sure you're a dog. For sure you're a rabbit. Either way my ass is not going near this. It looks shifty. Like it could either twitch its nose at you wanting some lettuce or start barking at your ass. Definitely bark. 

It can get two and a half feet big and weigh 35 pounds. Fuck that. It only has four digits on its front paws and three on the back because nature likes funsies as much as the next guy. Look at them legs. It's not structurally sound. If the mara was a building I'd be afraid to go in it. Now I wanna know what sounds this creature makes. If it doesn't bark its just pretending for the cameras. I wrote about this freak a while ago.

Monday, November 27, 2017

Dante Explains Shit: Net Neutrality

Lately I have been a hearing a lot about Net Neutrality. Well, that and the fact that Hollywood is just full of perverts. There are a lot of people talking about this but also squeezing in other bullshit to the point where it just sounds like noise to me and since I have the attention span of a priest at a Boy Scouts meeting I need shit explained to me simply. I'm sure some of you out there are the same way which is why I am doing this. Now let us figure out exactly what this is and why it will ruin your life.

Monday, November 13, 2017

KIds These Days 74

Kids these days are missing out on some great candy. Specifically bubble gum. When I was little I would always have something sweet in my mouth which is why my teeth were weak as green tea and rotted away or were easily knocked out. Dubble Bubble probably accounted for 30% of my tooth rot. These were cheap as hell and available anywhere. If you had a quarter which was hard to come by unless Grandmama was feeling generous you had five pieces and these things would last forever. I would chew these all day and fall asleep with a wad in my mouth and wake up looking like a spider had its way with my face. I would even take the wad out and stick it in my headboard and wake up and pop it in my mouth. Dental care, schmental care. I love chewing this cheap shit. Open up that package, lick some of that dust off (whatever the hell that was), and get to chewing for the next eight hours. Do kids even chew gum anymore? Like regular ass gum?

Hot Dog Bubblegum was not one of my favorites but for some reason I would end up with these tiny dicks in my mouth. They weren't hot or anything and the flavor went away faster than a Black father but I still liked them. You know that disgusting Fireball drink that folks like? They tasted kinda like that but without the horrible aftertaste and questionable sex. They had a slightly crunchy outside and suddenly cinnamon was forced into your mouth. These were not one of the cheaper gums so I didn't get it too often.

F**k Your Sign

Next to religious differences the next worse thing you can base a friendship or relationship on is zodiac signs. “Ooh, you're a Pisces?!” said no one ever. Dead serious. I spells it wrong most times. When someone asks me what my sign is I already know that it's not gonna make them happy. For whatever reason people do not like Pisces. I had no say in the matter of which month I was born in and even if I did I would not pick a particular one. It's not like I can say that one month is better than another. Here is my horoscope for today from a few sites.

“Career matters are probably going well for you, but you might be unsure if you want to continue along this track. You might consider other options, perhaps some you've always wanted to try but have never been in a position to do. Don't feel you have to decide now. You have plenty of time. Don't make a move until you're sure.”

Friday, October 20, 2017

The Whitest Of Knights

One time I looked at a woman across the street and wondered what she smelled like. Another time I liked one just because she had bomb ass legs. There was one that had the body of a Jessica Rabbit but the face of a Moe from The Simpson's and I wanted to volunteer as tribute. There have been countless ones that I have liked for purely physical reasons. There have been ones I liked that were ugmos but cool as hell and I even dated a couple. And hold on to your monocles because there have been women I've liked based purely on their hairstyle. We are living in a time right now where things you think let alone say can be used against you as a weapon and I am choosing to just opt out altogether.

There have been women I complemented only to hear them complain about the very thing I complimented them on. Saying something like “I like that shirt” ended with me staring at them as they spent the next two minutes telling me why they hated the shirt but “thanks.” It take a lot for me to compliment someone now because of that kinda shit. But now? Fuck complementing anything including the chef because anything can be taken as an insult. I used to say asshole guys ruined compliments to women or just straight up talking to them because because of them women had to walk around with their guard up. Facebook gave my cousin the option to report an image I made and I just laughed.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Don't Hate The Player

Now I saw this chick Kijuana Nige online a few days ago after I heard the story of the offensive line coach from the Miami Dolphins named Chris Foerster filming himself doing coke. I watched the video with sound and laughed my ass off seeing this man railing coke with some $20 bills and recording himself talking to a lady. I'm not sure why you would record that act since it would only be a good idea if you were on coke. Just answered my own question. In the video he says:

“Hey baby, miss you, thinking about you.” He continues “What do you think? Crazy? It's going to be awhile before we can do this again. But I think about you when I do it. I think about how I miss you, how we got together, how much fun it was. So much fun. Last little bit, before I go into my meeting. That fucked up babe? You think? I wish I was licking this off your pussy.” Now...come on. This guy is why I don't know how to talk dirty.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Dante Bitches About Ambitious Sex Positions

Goddamn it, Cosmo. I found this article called 5 Ambitious Sex Positions For the Brave and Flexible that should be called 5 Things To Do To End Up In The Hospital. I think this was made by someone that is trying to get people into a chiropractic office. By the way chiropractors are bullshit. Seriously. Look up who created it. Total bullshit and super dangerous. But this is not about that. This is about some sex positions written allegedly by a woman for you to try if you are dating a woman with loose elbows and a thick neck.

If you are daring, up for a challenge and super flexible, see if you can get yourself into one of these hardcore positions. Bonus points if you remember to stretch first.