Friday, August 7, 2020
“There are dudes walking around with the dirtiest of dicks.” - Dante
“Ew! Shut up! Ew!” - Jasmine
Jasmine has returned again and there are no audio issues! In this episode Jasmine discusses Beyonce's new Disney+ special, people turning hobbies into careers, chat about music and its influence on us, how we are related and met, and then we go off the rails. Click here for previous episodes.
Saturday, July 25, 2020
“I need to find a fucking way out of this life I'm telling you now. I don't get it.”- Jasmine
“Oh please. If I was a girl and wanted some money you don't want to know the shit I would do.” - Dante
Jasmine is back! Audio sounds much better than before. We talk about our week, alleged shutdowns, I talk about what I miss about seeing movies, random celebrity gossip like Ciara and Russell Wilson's new kids name, the birthing process being gross, Kanye West's week, more gossip, and Jasmine tries out three more weird ass sodas. Click here for previous episodes.
Thursday, July 16, 2020
Jasmine has once again returned...from a distance. In this episode we talk about the Corona virus and how it is making life stank, Covid rumors, Florida playing by its own rules, Googling your birthday and Florida, when we think we will get back to some kind of normal, talk about Megan Thee Stallion getting shot and other celebrity juicy g, Jasmine does a one woman soda taste test. Click here for previous episodes.
Saturday, July 4, 2020
Defund the police does not mean get rid of all police. There. Now you don't need to read the rest of this.
George Floyd was killed after being accused of using a counterfeit $20 bill. They knelled on his neck for almost nine minutes. Breonna Taylor was asleep in bed when police barged into her home and shot her. Atatiana Jefferson was shot through her window by police when a neighbor reported that her door was left open. Stephon Clark was shot while standing in his grandmothers yard. They said he had a gun. He was talking on the phone. Botham Jean was eating ice cream in his apartment when an off duty cop entered his home thinking it was hers and shot him. Philando Castille was shot during a traffic stop where he informed the cop he had a licensed firearm. He was immediately killed in front of his wife and 4 year old daughter. Alton Sterling was accused of selling bootleg CD's and DVD's. He was tasered and while being pinned to the ground shot six times. Freddie Gray was arrested and while in a police van suffered a severed spine. Eric Garner was accused of selling loose cigarettes and was choked to death in the street.
Sunday, April 12, 2020
“This is stupid. Why should I have to distance myself socially? Don't the government know who I am? Besides. They couldn't stop me if they wanted to. I got powers.” There is some weird ass virus going around and everybody is freaking out blaming the internet and aliens. I know for a fact it is neither of those things because after the last ass whooping I gave we should be alien free for at least three more years. Hopefully by then I'll develop another superpower. And the internet has never done anything wrong so there's that.
My name is Johnny Panic and I do not have the cure to this disease. Or do I? You'll never know.
“You're the worst” Ronica says while bouncing Milly on her lap who is giggling like a lunatic. I think our baby is broken. Bouncing on a lap can't be that much fun. Could it? I'm gonna try it later. With Zazz.
“Why am I the worst?” I ask her.
Sunday, March 8, 2020
“Guess what I'm doing today?” - Dante
“Nothing.” - Jasmine
“'Cause my parents are stank ass rich.” - Dante
Jasmine is back and by using the power of time travel and teleportation we have recorded another episode. We talk about the coronavirus, how we would handle being stuck on a cruise ship, talk about a rapper smacking a woman, get into celebrity gossip, celebrity kids going wild. Click here for this and previous episodes.
Thursday, February 20, 2020
I am so glad I don't have or want kids. A lot of it is because I know that I could not raise a kid in this insane ass world or keep them away from using the internet and likely trying dumb shit like this Skull Breaker Challenge. I guess if the intent is to ruin someone's life it could be considered a challenge. There have been so many that I don't keep track of and write about and stumbled upon this bullshittery. This is not a challenge or a prank. This is assault. I'm not someone who cries wolf...often. But if I had a kid that participated in this I would leave them at a fire station regardless of how old they were or treat them like a parent in the 80's. Translate that however you want.
This ”challenge” consists of having three people standing side by side. The one in the middle, let's call them the victim, jumps up in the air and has their legs swept from underneath them while in the air. They are told they will all jump up at once because you are likely doing this with friends and believe that your friends wouldn't try and change your brain chemistry. I watched a video showing multiple examples of this and I had to stop it. This is coming from someone who watches MMA, wrestling, and boxing. Seeing people hit the back of their heads makes me super cringe because I have done it so many times. The most memorable was chasing someone around a pool and landing back of my head first. There is no other feeling like that. Thankfully I was not knocked out. That happened running into a door face first playing tag a year prior.
Thursday, February 6, 2020
I know after Janet Jackson blessed us sixteen years ago (yes, it was that damn long ago!) people are always worried about anything sexy happening during the performances. For those of you too young to remember Miss Jackson and Justin Timberlake performed and at the very end of the show he yanked her top and it opened up and there was lady nipple live on TV. Next thing you know the FCC cracks down on anything that would offend anyone. Don't worry about the fact that the NFL has close to 300 concussions per year. That's fine! But them asses shaking? Two asses?! At the same time?! That, my kind sir, is too much. Oh, and he wants to sue for $867 trillion. That is not even a real number. Just a weird dude looking for attention. “I'm looking for a lawyer to file a class action lawsuit against Pepsi, the NFL, my local cable company for pandering pornography, contributing to the delinquency of a minor.” If he considers that performance pornography he needs a good talking to. And did his son suddenly start wilding out after seeing this?
In 1884 she filed a lawsuit against a train car company for unfair treatment. She won the case but federally they were like “Nah.” Ida wrote about lynchings in America which did not make people happy. She pointed out how it was aimed towards Blacks when it was feared that they were doing well. So of course they ended up burning her newspaper office down. She brought this up after one of her friends was lynched by a mob. She traveled the world telling about how America was lynching the fuck out of Black people. She also spoke about White women that sat by ignoring the lynchings. They didn't like that. She was fighting for Black rights and the rights of women but each of those groups had issues with her. She created the NACWC (National Association of Colored Women's Club) that dealt with civil rights issues and issues for women. I hope theme music played whenever this lady entered the room. I would imagine Rock Steady by Aretha Franklin.
Click here for previous Dante Learns New Black History.
Tuesday, February 4, 2020
Women were not allowed to serve in the military so Cathay used a fake name and served for three years. She passed a medical examination which makes me wonder what these consisted of. Probably made sure you could hold a weapon or lift something kinda heavy. It is said only two people knew she was a lady: a friend and a cousin. Y'all be sleeping on how loyal cousins are! Keep your brothers and sisters. Cousins are the shit. After her enlistment she got smallpox and then joined her unit. She started getting sick more often and after having surgery the doctor discovered that Cathay was a woman. She was then discharged and her life got pretty miserable after that. Why? She was a Black woman living in the 1800's, that's why. In September in 1893 a doctor said that she did not qualify for disability payments despite the fact that she served in the military, had a nerve disease, and diabetes where she had all her toes amputated. There are two other not Black women who were able to get coverage but...yeah. Black. 1800's. Eventually I am gonna cover something that is really cool or funny. I mean, its cool that she was able to do what she did and fight in the military back then. But damn. Also it seems I wrote about her five years ago...
Click here for previous Dante Learns New Black History.
Saturday, February 1, 2020
I have written about Famous Black Firsts. Cool Shit Black People Invented. And Random Civil Rights Moments. I have not done any posts about Black History Month in a few years. No particular reason other than being a lazy ass. By the time I finish this I'll come up with some title for it. Until then let me talk a little bit about a guy named Onesimus. I have never heard of this guy and am not sure how to even pronounce his name. One-Si-Mus? O-Knee-Suh-Miss? Either way no one is sure when he was born or where. All's we know is that he was born in the late 1600's. He was first documented as a slave living in the colonies in 1706. Onesimus was given as a gift to a Puritan minister named Cotton Mather. Read that sentence again. A human was given as a gift. This Mather fellow was also a big part of the Salem Witch Trials. I'm not gonna even get into that. Mather saw something special in Onesimus and taught him to read and write though at the time that was associated with religion and business so he learned but it was likely for note taking and work. Sounds fun. Also, he was named after a slave in the bible. That's some bullshit.
In 1721 Boston got a taste of the smallpox. Mather's got the idea to inoculate people based off of what he learned from Onesimus. It is said that before being sold into slavery that Onesimus was once inoculated based off of a long practice of doing so back in Africa by sub-Saharan folks. As Mather put it when reporting what Onesimus told him “People take Juice of Small-Pox; and Cutty-skin, and Putt in a Drop.” Mather and Onesimus thought that this disease was a punishment from God and that this cure was a gift. Mather also wanted more religion in politics. People were skeptical because racism and did not trust African methods and thought they would try to overthrow White people. There was even a thing called The Acts And Resolves that was passed in Boston that had race based punishments. Eventually the medical community got tired of watching people just die because they were being stubborn. Out of 242 patients only 2 died compared to 844 out of 5,899 that were not inoculated. It wasn't until 1796 that someone else made a vaccination for smallpox By 1980 smallpox was no longer a thing. Until one of you people decide to not vaccinate your kid and all that weird old school shit returns. If you don't know what smallpox looks like don't look that shit up.
Sunday, January 26, 2020
Click here for previous Rehab.
This is my moment. I think. Right? This is my moment of redemption. If this were being filmed everything would go in slow motion. I would lock eyes with Softy. She locks eyes with me and mouths “I love you.” The other guys on the ground would slowly lift themselves up and form a human shield around me. Music in a language I don't understand would start playing and the Marines would drop their balls and start slow clapping for me. Mr. W. Scott would drop his clipboard and walk over and hug me.
In reality what happened was not as inspiring.
The first ball missed me because I suddenly developed the ability to do jazz splits. My dick reminds me that a receipt for that will come later. The next ball missed because I tipped to the side. The next ball was launched by a Marine who did some parkour nonsense and hurled the ball so hard I heard it. It hit me in the chest spinning me into the wall. Just as I gasped another ball hit me, guess where?, right in the dick. I spun and now I was facing the wall. I lost count of how many balls were hitting my back. I next woke up laying in bed with an ice pack on my face and crotch. Saucy was sitting at the edge of my bed holding ice to his nose.
Wednesday, January 22, 2020
They out here dipping their balls in soy sauce. I can't even remember how I heard about this in the first place which is almost as disturbing as the fact that I know it exists. So this seems to have started after a TikTok user named Regan said in a post “Did you know that when a man puts his testicles in soy sauce he can taste it? HE CAN TASTE IT. I wish I was kidding but I am not. If you have testicles, please dip your balls in something – it's for science and I must know.” I have written about so many challenges done these days and even some that were so dumb I haven't written about. But since I allegedly have man-balls I decided to chime in on this nonsense. Years ago a research named Bedrich Mosinger stated “The function of taste receptors and signaling proteins outside of taste system is still unclear. In some areas they seem to be part of the chemical sensing of sugars or amino acids. For the most part, though, full function of these extra-orally located taste receptors is unknown.”
Taste receptors have been found on other parts of the body like your stomach, brain, and booty hole. Yeah. Please don't make that a thing you all start doing. The study says that these weird ass taste receptors taste proteins for umami and sweet flavors that are in mice balls. They also removed the receptors and mice could not have kids and got weird shaped balls. Another person far smarter than me named Dr Kieran Kennedy said “The study or any that have followed hasn't shown that any animal can actually 'taste' via these receptors like we'd taste something from the mouth. There is no scientific or medical evidence to back up any claims that men of any species can actually taste things through their junk. So while the fact that there might be taste receptors in the testicles is pretty damn interesting, it unfortunately doesn’t mean there's any evidence they can actually taste things.” There. So cut that shit out. You can not dip your balls into sauce and smack your lips saying you can taste it. And if you can go see a doctor immediately.
Click here for previous Kids These Days.
Thursday, December 26, 2019
Jasmine - “Why that noise?!”
Dante - “What sound you want? Ping ping ping ping!”
Jasmine has returned and I am sharing her with y'all! We talk about her trip to Dubai, ratchet ass music videos, talk about our Fat Tour, me finally getting a cell phone, the recent onslaught of celebrity dick pics, R. Kelly and his drama, a Dear Jasmine segment, taste test some chips, life in Oklahoma, nanny cams, porch pirates, and random nonsense as always. Click here for previous episodes.
Friday, December 20, 2019
Click here for previous Johnny Panic We Got It From Here.
Spin spin spin! That is the goal! Just spin my little sexy heart out both baffling and dazzling these monsters at the same time! They begin aiming at me and I can hear the machines struggling to pinpoint exactly where I am. I head into a ship and plow right through the damn thing embarrassed at how easily they beat me a week ago. While I am inside I am looking at all this insane technology they have. Everything is so clean! I also realize I need to make sure not a piece of this gets into the hands of the military because the next thing you know a yellow version of me will be trying to challenge me in a few years.
Look at me planning ahead like an adult!
“Focus on the island” Mother Bird says.