Saturday, April 18, 2015

The Best Woman/Worst Mother Alive Part 2 (More Information)

That hot mom I recently wrote about (click here to check that out and hate me a little bit more) Rachel Lehnardt is a little bit worse than I originally thought. For those that don't know, after telling her sponsor that she had sex with a couple of teen boys at a party for her 16 year old daughter, smoking pot, and getting drunk she was arrested. Well, her husband James Lehnardt who is 37, an Iraq War veteran, and being treated for PTSD wants custody of their five children. He is accusing Rachel of leaving their children alone for weeks at a time while she goes to visit her boyfriend. Yes. I am fully aware that in one paragraph I mentioned that she has slept with two teens, has a boyfriend, and is still married.

One week before Rachel was arrested for Sex Fest 2015 James went to court for custody of their children. They have been separated for the past six months after she first filed for divorce from him. They have been married since 2000. James said that Rachel played nude Twister and took bubble baths with their teen daughter and her 16 year old boyfriend (that she would later bang) and gave “advice to teenagers less than 17 years of age about oral, anal, and vaginal sex.” He also threw in that Rachel's boyfriend smokes pot and uses Ecstasy and has also taken LSD. I would ask how he knows all of this but Rachel seems like the kinda person that would openly share this kind of information but James says that his children told him this.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Dante's Guide To Not Shaming

This is a singer named Michael Buble. He is being accused of body shaming after his wife took this photo and he posted it on Instagram with the caption “There was something about this photo lu took ,that seemed worthy of instagram. #myhumps #babygotback #hungryshorts #onlyinmiami#picoftheday #beautifulbum.” Honestly, I'm not even sure what shaming means anymore. The world is a new place where no matter what you say it can be taken in the wrong way, particularly because no one talks because fuck you text me for 8 hours instead of speaking for 8 minutes.

I'm gonna see if I can walk everyone through how not to be offensive and shame people because there seems to be no right way to say anything anymore. No matter what you say to someone you are gonna hurt their feelings and be brought out into the public and shamed for your shameful shaming. I think that's how it works. Kinda like how when someone is being bullied you get a bigger bully to bully them. Right? Science!

Thursday, April 16, 2015

The Best Woman/Worst Mother Alive

I am so happy that people I love send me stories like this. Dashuh sent this story about the best mother on the planet Earth...if she isn't your mother. 35 year old Rachel Lynn Lehnardt of Evans, Georgia was arrested for a lot of reasons. I'll get to them in a minute. A few weeks ago Rachel, I'm gonna call her that from this point on because I like to believe we'd be great friends, threw a party at her home for her teenage daughter. There was naked Twister, pot smoking (not the pot!), drinking, and the evening ended with Rachel having sex with a 16 year old guy. Jesus. My hands hurt from all the imaginary high five's I'm doing!

Rachel probably would've kept this all under wrap for a little bit longer but she decided to tell her Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor what she did. Why? I don't know. Maybe she felt guilty. I'm sure the boy didn't. I am speaking as a man with an alleged penis and if I was 16 and some 35 year old lady tried to put it on me I would make no attempt to stop her. Her sponsor called the cops after meeting with Rachel because he was jealous he wasn't invited and she has now lost custody of her 4, 6, 8, 10, and 16 year old children. Fucking hell. No wonder she is divorced. Too many goddamn kids.

During this party she also showed pictures of herself having sex with her boyfriend. That would have been the low point of the party for me. I don't wanna see that shit. She ended up having the sex with an 18 year old that was at the party and after falling asleep she was woken up around 3:30am having sex and thought it was the 18 year old. It wasn't. It was a 16 year old kid...that was her daughter's boyfriend.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Flakka Strikes Again

A guy in Melbourne, Florida was arrested after taking a drug, it is being said it was that flakka stuff I wrote about last week, and having sex with a tree and fighting a cop. 41 year old Kenneth Crowder was seen running through a neighborhood screaming that he was God and having sex with nature. 

When police came and found him he had clothes on. The cop says Crowder approached him acting all kinds of crazy so he zapped his ass twice with a Taser. It did nothing because, well, Florida. 

Crowder yanked the barbs from the Taser out and punched the cop and tried to stab him with his own badge. When the cop punched him he called himself Thor. Crowder was charged with battery on a law enforcement officer but get this...he was released after posting bond. The officer is doing okay and we now have another case of this crazy ass drug making people do crazy ass things. How much does it cost to get out of jail for having tree sex and stabbing a cop? They don't say how much but judging from this guys mugshot I can't imagine it had to be all that much. 

While You Were Sleeping: Francis Pusok Beating

A man was recently given a beating by San Bernadino police that is usually reserved for child molesters, cop killers, and Black men. After downing the suspect, 30 year old Francis Pusok, police kneed, punched, and kicked him over 50 times while he lay on the ground. Most people have gone their entire lives without being hit that many times. Pusok got it in a minute. Punched your hand 50 times and see how tedious it is. While watching the video the first thing I noticed was the coldness of the reporter as she lets everyone know that she doesn't care about any cops that are hurt because this guy is on a horse. After the police start beating the hell out of this guy she goes silent and you just watch a guy being destroyed on live television.

Pusok was originally being pursued after a search warrant for identity death. They had a warrant and he left in a car. While being chased through Apple Valley he got out of the car and started running on foot. Someone called to say that someone stole their horse and police chased him on foot while he got away on the horse. You gotta hear the press conference where they make the cops sound like heroes for getting tired and dehydrated while chasing Pusok. Two cops were hurt. One by the horse and the other with back pains and cuts.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Kids These Days 51

Every time I see a story like this one I think of how different I would look if I tried this shit with my parents. A 13 year old kid in Dayton, Ohio which is in a death race to be as strange as Florida got upset when his mother took his cell phone away when he didn't want to clean up his room. 

First this kid spit on his mother then threw a Gatorade bottle at his stepfather because you're not my real dad! Thankfully this didn't happen in the 80's when them shits was made of heavy, thick glass. We'd be talking about murder. Then he went outside and saw the family 2001 Honda Accord and I guess it looked at him funny because he jumped on the roof of it and smashed in its windshield. The damage was about $1,000 and he was charged with assault and vandalism. No matter how mad I got at my parents growing up I never tried to hit them. Know why? They knew were I slept and Black people have long memories and short tempers.

Click here for previous Kids These Days.

Monday, April 13, 2015

African Pastor Kissing African Asses

KP told me about this pastor in Africa somewhere that was kissing asses to bless them. Well, not one to leave anything a mystery I decided to look this up and great googly moogly there is indeed an image of a man kissing a bunch of Black lady asses on a beach. I added the Brazzers logo because that's where my brain goes. And if you don't know what that logo means then bless your heart. 

There is nothing to confirm who this guy is or if he is really blessing a lot of asses or he is just blessed with the most luck any man has ever had. The story goes that these women were told at a prayer retreat that they needed to strip and get on all fours so he could kiss their asses. I can't help but feel jealous while writing this. They ask why and he says that they would receive blessings and get a husband. Hmm. Sounds legit to me. 

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Johnny Panic: The New Hotness Part 3

Click here for Part 1 and Part 2.

I head back inside with Ronica and Milly and Aimee looks terrified and Zazz looks like Zazz. Weird and sweaty. He's glistening. Ronica smiles at Aimee which calms her down a tiny bit and hands Milly to her. I grab another couch from the den and bring it into the living room. I'll pick up a new one later. That's one of the coolest things about living in Hawaii and having the natives like me now. Yeah, back in the day for some reason these people hated my guts. I know. Seems impossible.

“I have decided to take the higher ground and not be upset about this whole Anthony Bingham stuff” I tell everyone.

“That's not the higher ground” Zazz says.

“Come again?”

“Higher ground means that there was some sort of disagreement between you and Bingham and that you have decided to take a more mature approach towards its resolution” he says. I just stare at him. Nope. Still no laser vision.

“Once Aimee learns all of our culture she is gonna run from you faster than you do from a salad bar” I say. Ronica punches me in the arm. “I'm gonna go meet this guy and see what his deal is. Ronica?”


“Publicize me!”

Friday, April 10, 2015

So Apparently Flakka Is A Thing

Though I don't do the drugs I love hearing about the strange, new things that people are willing to inject, snort, or smoke to get high. A guy in Florida, 34 year old Matthew Kenney, was arrested after police found him naked and running from invisible people intent on murdering him. He had smoked a drug called flakka which I have never heard of. I remember when salvia was a thing. Then it was bath salts. Then krokodil. Now its this.

While running in traffic wearing nothing but a pair of shoes, he was caught by police and told them that he would “rather die than be caught by these unknown people” meaning the invisible people. By the way, this is actually how we would respond to people from the bible if they lived today. If someone told you a burning bush talked to them you would cross the street. Kenney also said that if he was hit by a car he would stop being chased. Technically that's true. He's been arrested a few times, three, since December. I did see a few mugshots for him when I looked for an image for this post. He's on a psych hold until they figure all this nonsense out which means he is probably already free as of the writing of this. Come on. He's been arrested three times in the last few months. 

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Lane Bryant Spits Fire At Victoria's Secret

Lane Bryant is a clothing company made for plus sized chicks or the second category I hit up when I search for porn. They have a new campaign with a tagline of “Sexy is defined by EVERY woman, not SOME” along with the hashtag, or pound sign as those of us over 30 call it, #ImNoAngel

This is obviously a dig at Victoria's Secret and the models that they call angels. Why the fighting between two good things? Its like blowjobs and butt sex arguing over which is more desirable. I've had to go shopping at each of these places and I can tell you from personal experience that shopping at Lane Bryant is not nearly as embarrassing for me. With Victoria's Secret I was with someone that was looking for stuff while I stood there practicing my “I'm not looking at any of these colorful draws on the mannequins, I assure you!” face while at Lane Bryant I was looking for sweatpants and a shirt for my mother. Hell, there are chicks that shop at Victoria's Secret that should check out the selection at Lane Bryant. Hey. This is the honesty circle, okay? We do not lie here!

And while we are in the honesty circle let us not pretend that every plus sized chick, or BBW as Pornhub categorizes it, is built like these chicks in these ads. There are some girls too big for Lane Bryant and Victoria's Secret yet they find ways to get into what could technically be called a thong but is more like a rubberband being stretched beyond its limits. I'm not saying that to make bigger chicks feel bad. There are a ton of big chicks and most of my friends think that if you wave a big girl in front of me I'll start slobbering and clapping like a mongoloid baby. Wow. How many people can I offend in one post? 

In reality there are big chicks that I consider fucking hot and wouldn't want them to lose a pound as well as skinny chicks that could benefit from a few plates of bacon. No one is perfect and there is room for all shapes and sizes in this world. For every big girl out there there is a guy, or girl,  just waiting for you to sit on their face and tell them that you love them. Be big. Be small. Just find shit that fits.  

Johnny Panic: The New Hotness Part 2

Its dangerous for someone with my powers to be angry or caught off guard. A cat surprised me once and got to see what a cloud felt like blowing through its whiskers. Finding out that I was not voted the sexiest man alive after winning that honor for the past eight years didn't make me launch anyone into space. But I did burn my couch.

“Johnny!” Aimee screamed as Zazz jumped from the couch. My hot hands had scorched the cushion so I snatched it up and flew it to the front of the house. A moment later Ronica came outside with Milly. I couldn't even look at her. I was mad. I don't get mad a lot. I get bugged by stuff a lot but not mad. Right now I was mad. I was punching a zebra mad.

“You're my publicist” I said to her.

“I'm your lady, too” she said. I scoffed and was about to fly off but she grabbed my shirt. “I didn't want to upset you, okay? I know how much being the sexiest man alive means to you.”

“You're my publicist” I repeat and look at her.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

While You Were Sleeping: Walter Lamar Scott Murder

Warning: this contains an image of a dying man. Nothing gory. But its there. One of the problems with actively not watching the news is that you miss out on important news like the fact that Black guys are still being hunted down by police. Before I begin please allow me to reiterate that body cameras do not stop people from being killed, beaten, or attacked. They just allow us to see it happen. The most recent case of someone being shot and killed when it really didn't need to happen is the killing of 50 year old Walter Lamar Scott by 33 year old officer Michael Slager last Saturday in South Carolina.

A passerby recorded what happened right before the shooting and its aftermath. Scott was pulled over for a broken tail light, a slight scuffle ensued, something flew to the ground, and Slager shot at Scott hitting him eight times as he ran. Did Scott try to grab his gun (the go to response for killing nowadays)? Did Scott punch him repeatedly while they wrestled on the ground? Did Scott himself have a gun or reach for one? The answer to all of these is “No.” Scott slapped a Taser from Slager and got pumped with bullets until he collapsed on the ground and died.

Man Offs Himself Over Buffet

Can you imagine being so upset about having your lifetime free pass to a buffet in Vegas taken that you kill yourself? Well, this guy that had obvious mental disorders named John Noble had that happen and he killed himself. My cousin J. tagged me in this story to check out and I was hoping that there was more to it than the fact that he got that angry and sad that he killed himself. He went to the M Resort and left a 270 page long suicide note before heading to the buffet and blowing his brains out. 

He had his lifetime pass revoked because he was harassing a female employees. The first time he had it revoked was in 2013 after he stalked a woman and threatened to kill himself. That got him a stay in a mental hospital. He got the lifetime pass five years ago so it isn't like this was something he was doing since he was a kid and just his way of life. Along with the way too long suicide note he sent pictures and a DVD to the Las Vegas Review Journal before killing himself. In it he details all of the gifts he gave the women. Its always weird to me when guys get upset at women when they aren't picking up what they're putting down. Chicks aren't into that crazy shit. I mean, they are, but, like, when you are a hot guy. Hot guys get away with murder. Literally. They can kill their woman and another one will want them.  

Monday, April 6, 2015

Florida Man In Walmart Equals Trouble

What's up with this kids angled chest hair? That's actually the least of his concerns. 20 year old Taylor Davis of Florida (naturally) was arrested because he was following a woman in her mid-30's that he found attractive at Walmart. I'm not done. While he was following her around he was jerking himself off through a hole he had in his hoodie because women love that shit. Security spotted him jerking it in the infants section. After checking the video they saw him wiping his man gravy on three packages of Hefty bags and flinging it on the woman. While he was doing all of this he was also listening to porn on his phone. He admitted that he has a problem and that he also does this while at Walt Disney World! Yeah. Get that image out of your head. 

He is on unpaid leave pending on what happens with the investigation. He was charged with criminal mischief and disorderly conduct and posted $750 bail. He may get some extra charges tacked on if more people come forward saying they found some mysterious baby batter on their bodies after visiting Walmart. Between the fact that this happened in Florida and at a Walmart it is surprising that this doesn't happen weekly. There should just be an aisle for guys like this. Dudes who get this horny make me question my libido. I'm just never that riled up.

Johnny Panic: The New Hotness Part 1

“Did you pee on the toilet seat?” is not the first thing you want to hear when you wake up. Especially when it is from your lady/biggest fan/publicist. I need to make a bigger deal out of that last one. Publicist. Because my publicist, Ronica, did not warn me about the fact that I was about to have the worst day ever. My publicist was more worried about pee on the toilet than my livelihood.

“Its just water” I tell her and pull the blanket over my face and she yanks it off. “My binky!” I shout and cover back up.

“Its not water” she says. “Its pee from your penis that is all over the toilet seat.”

“Maybe Milly did it” I say. Yes, I am blaming our baby daughter. She caught me early. I'm not good at this early.

“Are you seriously blaming our baby that can't even stand up for peeing all over the toilet?” she asks me. I nod. She shakes her head. “Walter, go clean it up.”

“I don't wanna touch pee!”

“It's your pee” she says.

“Don't we have people to do that kinda thing?” I ask. “We're stank ass rich. Why do I have to clean up my own alleged pee when we're stank ass rich?”