Dante's Fuckit List Entry 3

Welcome to the third of my Fuckit List blogs. There’s something that I used to dream of having when I was growing up. No, not pubes, a hot girlfriend, and rocking facial hair. But as the years continue to tick on by I have started to realize that I don’t need it as much as I believed that I did. If you want to check out my first couple Fuckit List entries click here and here.

Dante Saves You: Cartoon Villain Edition

I’ve saved you or at least tried to teach you how to survive all kinds of crazy ass things in this world. But The Munky made me realize that I left you all defenseless against some of the craziest beings to ever be created: Cartoon Villains.

Yeah, I know it seems silly to be afraid of cartoons, but back in the day these and comic books were attacked by the government for the effect they had on the youth of the world. So I will try to show you how to beat a few of many of the insane villains from my youth!

Dante's Fuckit List Entry 2

This is the second entry in my Fuckit List. If you want to see the first one just click here and learn to dislike me for a whole new set of reasons. The next entry is something that everyone promises to do around the start of the year or after a doctor tells them that though they are 25 they have the body of a 60 year old.

Stop The Trendy Top

“Put a stop to that muffin top! No more peek a boo panties! Look sleek and lean!”

And so begins another case of society trying to take the small things in life that I love away from me. I was watching my digital TV and enjoying finding new channels like Bounce (which is a Black channel made for me because I’m Black!). I’m having fun and watching Superfly and realizing that the film is “torrible” (terrible and horrible) when a commercial comes on that breaks my heart.

Dante's Fuckit List Entry 1

"List all the things you do not need to do before you die."

And this is how it all begin. Comedian Michal Ian Black a few years ago started on Twitter what is called a Fuckit List. Its pretty much the opposite of a Bucket List which is a list of all the things you want to do before you die. The Fuckit List consists of the things that you don’t want to or have no desire to do before you die.

When a friend told me about this earlier this week I couldn’t stop laughing. Most of my life is a Fuckit List of explanations of why I don’t want to do the things that people keep telling me that I have to do no matter how many times I tell them I don’t want to. So here’s the first of what will likely be over a dozen entries since I tend to bitch a lot about the thing I don’t want to do.

Dante vs. Nature 9

I live in the mean city. The streets. Its rough here in the city what with the crime, the murder, the lack of women in West Hollywood, and the dangers of slipping on a used condom. But one thing I don’t have to worry about too much is fucking Mother Nature losing her grip on reality and unleashing beasts upon me.

But every so often nature does go off its rocker and I have to see a wild animal. They’re small in size but still make their presence known in various ways. Some its through sound. Some its through actions. And some fly overhead and shit on everything in their path. I give you…city nature!

Dante Saves You: Crazy White Women Edition

I’ve tried to teach you how to battle many forms of nutballs ranging from giant monsters to psycho killers. But this time I’m gonna teach you how to fight the deadliest creature to ever exist: Crazy White Women. Since the dawn of time crazy White women have been the cause and blame for the largest catastrophes to befall mankind. From Eve, Pandora, to Mother Teresa White women have been starting stuff.

So this time we shall combat them. But they aren’t normal. Like I said they crazy. No superpowers unless you count looking sweet and innocent while they cut your face off. So let’s get into this mess. Unfortunately I have not figured out a way to defeat Courtney Love. Only Cthulhu knows that and he ain’t talking.

Its My Birthday aka Take That Death!

My birthday is coming up. Like in about half an hour I’ll be 33 years old. I don’t know what I expected my life to be like at this age. At one point I wanted a family, job, and a nice home. But over time I realized that what I really wanted was to be happy and I guess those things didn’t factor into that equation. Because, full disclosure, I’m a selfish person.

Now hear me out! I’m not “across the board” selfish. When I have I give. I love to see my friends happy and when I can do things that make them smile I will. But when I look at the things I do for myself they are totally “Me me me!” things. Drawing, reading, writing, podcasts, short films, painting, and ironing. These are all things I do by myself because sharing is for the gays.

Dante Saves You: Insane Clown Edition

Aliens, ninjas, dinosaurs, giant monsters, crazy movie terrorists, vampires, evil animals, psychos, and crazy ass robots. Is there anything left for me to--oh. That’s right. Insane Clowns. Yeah. This is an interesting one. I personally have no fear of clowns. I know people who hate them and people that are fucking terrified by them!

Coulrophobia is a fear of clowns. I’m gonna learn your monkey ass how to take these crazy looking things out. Now, be warned. If you have a fear of clowns this is going to be the best and worst blog you’ve ever seen. Its fucking full of pictures of evil ass clowns and will make you pee a little in your pants.

Kids These Days 3

In previous blogs (which you can see by checking here for Part 1 and here for Part 2) I’ve discussed things that kids these days will not understand or will be gone very soon. I have to admit that some of the things that I list weren’t exactly better than what kids have, but having these “older” things taught me things like patience and savoring. This is my final installment in this series.

Dante And His Weird Dreams 2

I recently posted about the first crazy ass reoccurring dream I had that involved racecar shoes and a knife wielding monkey that killed my father. This other one that happened way too many times involved me and Apache Chief from the Super Friends cartoon. Why? I don’t know! It just did.

I don’t even like the character of Apache Chief. He grows. That’s it. You know what? I can grow too! In my pants. So anyhoot, in this dream I have the feeling that me and Chiefy (that’s my cool nickname for him) are cool with one another. I felt like we were friends. Like we bonded. He could tell that my grandmother’s were Native American’s and felt a sense of kinship with me.

Would You Riot For Shoes?

There was a riot at a Florida mall over some new shoes (Only In Floridaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…!). Now, this is some shit that has been going on since I was younger. People would get fucking killed over a pair of Air Jordan’s which to me is up there with being killed over, well, shoes. Seriously, what a fucking retarded way to go. It’d be like being stabbed over some Penny Loafers in 1984.

Old school stab worthy.

People are going crazy over these new Nike Foamposite Galaxy that glow in the dark and cost $220. Yes. Shoes that glow in the dark for fucking grown ass people. You have to be out your goddamn mind to wait in line for a shoe unless you live in, like, Africa and a shipment just arrived for your village.

Dante And His Weird Dreams

When I was a kid I had some strange ass dreams. They were far more vivid than the ones I have now. I recently had one that involved pirates, a hovercraft, and my best friend. That was a cool ass dream. But when I was a youth there were two dreams that fucked my head up something fierce.

Now with this first one I’m gonna talk about is one I had so many times and each time I woke up freaking the hell out and burying my head in a pillow. In hindsight the dreams aren’t even scary. Its actually really goofy. It involves a monkey and shoes with wheels. Yeah.

Dante Discusses Whitney & Chris

In this video blog I talk about Whitney Houston, gas prices, and Chris Brown.

Hatering On Catering

There was this story on the news about having catering trucks pretty much banned from school campuses because kids are too goddamn fat. They will have to park at least 1,500 feet away from schools. Now this bothers me for multiple reasons. Mostly because not only are catering trucks friggin’ awesome but because if it weren’t for them I would have starved as a child. And been hungry at my brother's funeral. Seriously. I got a burger at his funeral. I was grieving, okay?! Don't judge me.

Tears are a great substitute for salt!

The school I went to from 4th to the beginning of 10th grade was Mid-City Alternative. During lunch time they had a catering truck that would arrive downhill and we would race to it to eat such delicious treats like Mucho Machos, burgers, fries, or big ass root beer sodas. If it wasn’t for the $1.25 ($3 on Fridays) I wouldn’t have eaten. Know why?

Dante And His History Of Violence

In this video I discuss the multiple times I've had a weapon drawn on me. Yay!

Dante Saves You: Psycho Killer Edition

Robots, evil animals, crazy movie terrorists, zombies, aliens, giant monsters, vampires, ninjas, and dinosaurs. At this point you should be a certified killing machine. Which is a good thing because that’s exactly what you’ll be learning about. Psycho Killers. Yeah. This one is gonna leave you with a few scars.

Now psycho killers come in all different shapes and sizes. This is the one list where it really doesn’t pay to be a cute, White chick. But I’ll still help you. Or try to. Some of these bastards are supranatural which is way more powerful than supernatural. If you get that joke you win the internets for the week. So let’s get started on asskickery!

Cool Shit Black People Invented: Henry Thomas Sampson, Jr.

Today’s entry of Cool Shit Black People Invented is kinda hard for me. I mean, I know that his invention is very useful. Its just that I don’t use it. Millions of people do. I am the only person I know that doesn’t so that makes me, Dante, the weirdo. Well, that and my four foot long tail and knees that bend in the opposite direction. Besides that I’m totally just like all of you.

Henry Thomas Sampson Jr. created a device that some of you are using right now. Or you just did. Maybe you’re even using it to read this blog. Which would be weird because you wouldn’t be able to read all the funny shit I add in my captions. Sampson (“Fly me to the moon like that bitch Alice Kramden, ‘cause it’s hard being Black an’ gifted!”) created the cell phone!

Dr. What? From Alex Hluch

My heterosexual lifemate Alex Hluch is obsessed with Dr. Who. Like, scary obsessed. He has a new series titled Dr. What that he needs funding for. You know what (get it?!)? Just click this link all up in here to go to the official site and donate a few bucks. You get cool shit for doing so.

Cool Shit Black People Invented: Joseph H. Dickinson

Once again I had a problem finding a picture of this weeks Cool Shit Black People Invented. This weeks invention is a good one by the way. Without it life as we know it would be completely different. I’m serious! If this guy hadn’t invented his invention parties as we know it wouldn’t exist.

Joseph H. Dickinson got the patent in 1819 for the record player arm. Now, I know a lot of younger readers are going “What the hell website have I stumbled onto where this Black dude talks shit to everyone and talks about fighting animals?” or “What is a record player?”