Thursday, April 19, 2018

Bigger Than Starbucks

I am Black. Or African-American. Or Negro. Or colored. I prefer “Blacker” but for the sake of this post I'll just say that I'm Black. It doesn't matter that one of my great-great grandmother was raped by the White guy that owned her and had a bunch of kids. I'm Black. There is some Native American sprinkled in too but still, you know. Black. A while ago I wrote how being Black was about 60% good and 40% bad. That 40% is bad because it leads to death or imprisonment. I have been thinking a lot about being Black lately. Mostly a Black guy. Black women have a set of problems I'll ask one of them to write about some day. Their story is different than mine. I don't know if you've heard but some shit went down at a Philadelphia Starbucks location. I won't get into how Starbucks here in California was ordered to put labels on their products saying that they have chemicals that cause cancer (a chemical called acrylamide which is a byproduct of roasted coffee and this ruling is mostly cautionary though acrylamide irritates skin and can cause tumors on skin). Let's take a quick look at what went down in Philly.

Friday, April 13, 2018

No Bad News

Years ago after watching Bowling For Columbine I decided to stop watching the news. During a scene where they went to where the L.A Riots started and you saw how much of a regular ass street it was I thought “How much news do I watch?” This was in 2002 before the internet was useful. I did not own a computer and did not talk about the news much with people unless it was something sensational that everyone was talking about. I was working in a porn shop and had been for a few years. My brother had passed away the year prior. I was single again after a four year relationship. My apartment was still new to me. Things were weird.

I sat and thought about the news that I was watching. Mostly Fox 11 back before Fox was FOX. What a weird word fox is. I would wake up and watch an hour and a half of news. When I got home it would be on in the background and it was what I would watch late at night. I calculated that I was watching at minimum three hours of news a day which was about 21 hours a week. That is almost a damned day worth of badness. Not all of it was badness. A lot of it was just nonsense. Stories about dogs that could yo-yo. Girls who could not stop hiccuping. How good chocolate was for you around Valentine's Day. But as the war in Iraq and wherever else we felt like getting oil and shit from continued the news changed and along with it the way people behaved.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Five Things I Learned Having Siblings

A couple of days ago it was National Sibling Day. It is described as “Siblings Day (sometimes called National Siblings Day or National Sibling Day) is a holiday recognized annually in some parts of the United States on April 10, honoring the relationships of siblings. Unlike Mother's Day and Father's Day, it is not federally recognized, though the Siblings Day Foundation is working to change this.” It was started by a lady named Claudia Evart who did it in honor of her siblings that passed away young. In this Five Things I Learned Having Siblings I am going to talk about, well, the five things I learned having siblings.

For those that do not know I have four older brothers and a younger sister. I know. Shocking. Most people assume that I am an only child. I know some people are down when it is National Sibling Day but don't fret because Only Child Day is the day after and there are people with siblings that do not get along all that well.

Monday, April 2, 2018

Are You Addicted To Porn?

Are you addicted to porn? This is a question I asked myself after watching an interview and reading some articles. Spoiler alert: no. I'm not. To me porn is something I use like dental floss. I don't do it every day but when I do I feel better and ask myself why I don't do it more often. Recently the actor Terry Crews was on Dr. Phil's show with his wife Rebecca King-Crews and they discussed what happened when she found out about his porn addiction. Oh. And prostitution. They buried the lead with that one. They and other writers have talked more about his porn addiction than the fact that he was using ladies of the night while married with five children.

After telling Terry that he would be paying child support for her and her new man she added “I said to him 'you know we're done right...yes I'm gonna leave your raggedy behind and I'm gonna take your money too. You gone pay me child support for me and my new man.” After a round of applause from the audience Terry added “Guys operate on pride. And you're successful you feel like that buys you a pass. I did not go to rehab to get my wife back. I went there because I needed to be a better person.” Rebecca stated that it took close to three years before she could trust Terry again. Likely meaning give up them draws which is why a lot of guys tend to cheat on their wives. The whole lack of draws getting. It's a vicious cycle!

Monday, March 26, 2018

Just Talking With Dante Episode 28

Jasmine is back which means we have recorded a new episode! In this one we talk about our recent Fat Tour to Good Girl Dinette, drink a bunch of weird ass sodas on air and one gets referred to as Fat Bitch, discuss delicious donuts, somehow end up talking about Dante getting arrested if he went to Carnivale, and what makes someone think they or others are attractive when they ain't. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Friday, March 23, 2018

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 4

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

“We are the Arkho. In the short amount of time that your planet has left you may refer to me as Mother Bird. A being from a lesser galaxy, even lesser than this, was destroyed by your Johnny Panic who we have recently dispatched of. We arrived in hopes of a challenge and are greatly disappointed by what this planet had to offer. In three days time we will remove it from existence.”

“ the transmission the entire globe received in every language known to mankind. I...should...I have to go.” And with that Tom Rockwell ran from his news desk.

“What a way to end a news report” Zazz said as the news went to a commercial.

“It's not like anything like this has ever happened before” I say to him. Yes, this is Ronica speaking. Johnny is still unconscious. “A faceless alien shows up, beats the only person that could stop them, and we have no way to win. I don't blame Rockwell from running.”

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Folks Are Getting High On Bug Spray

I always say that if there was some sorta apocalypse that humans would find a way to get high or drunk. Even if they need to mix sand and the soles of sneakers they would find a way. In Indianapolis people are on that next level shit and getting high off bug spray. That's right. Bug spray. This is not just fucking people up, but it is turning them up to levels that are being described as zombie-like. Indianapolis Fire Department Captain Chris Major said “We describe it as being like a zombie. They cannot talk to us.” I guess that's when you know it is working.

“Their movements are slow and lethargic, a lot of drooling and a loss of function. We find them with their clothes off, eating the grass, pulling dirt out of the ground and trying to put it in their mouth” he continued. Side effects of this drug known as KD are the inability to walk, breathe, vomiting, dizziness, a catatonic state, and severe headaches. Sounds like a bomb ass orgasm to me. Giggity.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Woman Attacks Boyfriend With Sword

Sometimes I am on the wrong side of an argument. Like if anyone comes at Ashley Graham, I don't care if they're the Pope, I am gonna side with her. In this story about a sword attack I am on the side of the attacker for reasons I will try to explain. Badly.

Emily Javier waited until her video game playing boyfriend, suspecting of cheating ass was asleep when she attacked him with a sword. Before she went to bed she had taped it to the side. She felt that he played too many video games and was cheating on him after finding the Tinder app on his phone. She also said he had scratches across his back and there was another girls hair in their shower. Using her phone for light she began slicing. Just picturing this scene is absurd to me. Her boyfriend, at the time, Alex Lovell, said this in an interview and immediately made himself unlikable.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Dante Vs. Nature 74

Nature loves showing up and saying to me “You think the ocean is spooky? Meet this!” And by this I mean a Crinoid and by Crinoid I mean this feather star. I don't like it one bit. Look at it. Just floating in the sea being strange as shit. It lives in super deep water (30,000 feet) and shallow water because fear knows no depth. Their mouth is located on top that leads to a gut that is U-shaped. And get this. Their booty hole is right next to their mouth! Talk about shitting where you eat. Most have more than five arms and the versions of these with stalks use it to attach to shit but once they grow up they leave. Like adults should. If I were swimming (which means my yacht has been irreparably damaged and I have fallen into the sea) and saw this I would cry ugly tears. Sexy, ugly tears.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Should Teachers Carry Guns?

Should teachers be armed? The quick answer is “Fuck no!” The rest of this post will be the long answer. Remember when teachers would tell you to raise your hands in class? Who knew there'd be a point where you would be doing it so you didn't get shot? I'm gonna be straight with you. I don't think most of the people that own guns should own guns. I don't even know anyone that I would trust 100% with a weapon, not even myself. Arming teachers is in the news today more than yesterday because a Seaside High School teacher accidentally injured three students when his gun went off in class.

Dennis Alexander is a reserve police officer, former Peace Corps volunteer, and is all about being helpful in the community. By all accounts he is a good guy and a great teacher. He just happened to fire off a shot in class that hurt three students. There are conflicting reports as to why he had his weapon out in the first place. There is no question he should not have had the damned thing in class as it is illegal to do so in California even if they have a right to conceal license.. Some reports say he was teaching students how to disarm someone, another says he was teaching public safety awareness. Either way a bullet was fired, hit the ceiling, and fragments injured three students.

Monday, February 26, 2018

How Thor Ragnarok Made Me Wanna Exercise

It all started with Thor Ragnarok. I was sitting in the theater and there was a scene where Thor, played by Chris Hemsworth, is standing there shirtless in all his Hemsworthiness. A few people in the audience gasped. Some whistled. Maybe things moved in pants. I just sat there and thought to myself “Why don't I look like that?!” Besides the obvious reasons like the fact that I consider going to do my laundry a physical activity and all of my hobbies require me sitting as still as possible there is no reason that I shouldn't look better than I do. Not a 28 inch waist and 60 inch shoulders like Thor, but just better than I did.

I wasn't what I would describe as fat. I was definitely not in good shape but better shape than I was a few years prior. My attempts to be healthy started late and slowly. In 2012 I started drinking water. When I was little I would drink it from hoses outside while ants crawled on my hands. In 2013 I started taking multivitamins. Just small steps that made small differences. By 2014 I was beginning to eat salads sometimes and vegetables. In 2015 I was close to 260 pounds (I am 6 foot 1 and it doesn't sound bad to be that heavy...if you're an athlete) and while still drinking water and taking vitamins my diet consisted of pizzas, pastas, about six sodas an evening at work, and a huge bowl of Fruity Pebbles with orange juice an coffee every single morning. You do not want to know how many calories that was a day.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Grown Ass Man Tips: Ironing

I love ironing. Like, actually love it. I love it so much that I used to iron clothes for friends, girlfriends, and used to make money ironing my brothers work clothes. What I like about ironing is that it soothes my desire to see things change quickly. It was wrinkled and now its not. Lots of people don't even think of whether or not I iron my clothes and almost none of them care. I do. I stay home most of the time and still wear clothes that have been ironed. There is over a months worth of clothes hanging in the closet. 

When I was first allowed to iron my own clothes as a child it made me feel like a sort of adult. I am not someone that wants the world to start ironing their clothes. People say “I don't even own an iron” as if it is surprising to me. Trust. I can tell you don't. I am writing this to say that a lot of dudes have become very comfortable with looking like hobos. Hell, I got jeans that I have bought with holes in them that are ironed but manage to not look like a bum. Ironing to me is like grooming (which I've written about in previous posts). Why would I care to leave the house with my face washed, my nose cleaned, my pubes on fleek, and my nails taken care of but when it comes to my clothes go “Fuck it”? Ironing is just another level of caring about your appearance and showing yourself that you give a bit of a damn about yourself.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.  

Monday, February 12, 2018

Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Cowering

This was written over a two three year period.

You should probably grab a drink. This is gonna be a long one. I've been trying to figure out when I became such a coward. I was listening to a podcast earlier today (Duncan Trussell's Family Hour) and the topic was running from love. Having a fear of being loved. Fear of being rejected. The usual. Now, if you had asked me before I listened to this if I were afraid of love in any form I would've have told you no and thought you were a silly person. But here I am hours later asking myself “What am I afraid of?”

Am I afraid of being rejected? Yes and no. The no part I can say quickly because if that is the answer then I will just deprogram myself and move on with my life. I have been rejected in many forms my whole life not just by girls I have liked but by family, jobs, and friends. But then there is the yes part. That part of the rejection goes deeper than I'd like it to because I do like someone right now. I have actively tried not to for the last few months but its been harder and harder to do it. Go to sleep, there she is. I wake up she's the first person I think of. And the reason why I am afraid of being rejected by her is that being rejected by her will not just represent being rejected by this one beautiful female human.

Its a rejection from women like her.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Dante Vs. Nature 73

Nature needs to cut that weird shit out. Recently I found out about two new insects and I don't like it. People like discovering new things in life but I'm not one of 'em. This thing Eriovixia gryffindori is a spider named after Gryffindor from the Harry Potter series because it looks like the sorting hat used. 

Look at this freak. It was first discovered two years ago in south-western India and it can stay right there as far as I'm concerned. It looks like it could bark. I bet it barks. There ain't shit known about it because it is new but rest assured that it will do some freaky shit I'm not comfortable with. I don't wanna see something in nature that looks like something from a crazy ass kids book. Plus it looks sneaky. Like it would whisper shit about you after you left the room. Just a feeling I have. 

Monday, January 29, 2018

The New 10 Commandments

Whenever I hear anyone mention the 10 Commandments it is from someone who is angry about something or trying to stop people from having all of the fun. I think it is time to update these things for the modern age. And who better than someone that goes to church only when someone dies or gets married? What I'm saying is that I'm not close to the whole religious situation and feel that I can offer some insight to those of you that are.

Obviously, some of these (meaning most) are going to require you to be a somewhat intelligent adult and in control of your mental functions most of the time. So if you are taking all kinds of medications for chemical imbalances and shit you may not be able to accomplish these. Millions of people are on pills these days so I can't even be mad at you. But I forgive you, my child. But not really. I'm a petty deity. I should probably make some loud declaration beforehand like in the bible.