Friday, September 1, 2017

Dante Bitches About 10 Things Guys Absolutely Hate About Missionary Sex


I dislike Cosmopolitan with the type of hatred reserved for people battling vengeful Roman gods that wipe out generations of children just to bone their mother. Every once in a while I'll check their site out to see what terrible advice they are giving women and men or to learn what not to do and complain about. In this Dante Bitches About 10 Things Guys Absolutely Hate About Missionary Sex I am gonna post what they have written, Frank Kobola (if that's his real name) and post my own response because that is what I do. Respond. Never act. I'm like the Floyd Mayweather Jr. of blogs. But taller. And less rich. And slightly more liked.

1) There's not much to see. In terms of tried-and-true “lie on top of each other and pork” style missionary, you’re not getting to see much of the action. Guys especially are very visual during sex, and as romantic as it is to stare into your eyes while boning, it isn’t exactly titillating. Yes, we love looking at your lovely face, but we get to see that every time we go out to dinner or brush our teeth together in the mirror. This is about sex, specifically nakedness. And virtually every other sex position imaginable gives guys a better look at your body.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Dante Vs. Nature 70

Bombardier beetle. Haha. Well played nature. Make a bug that can shoot explosions out of its ass. Makes perfect sense. This insect version of a frat boy or three year old (which are mysteriously gassy!) can even choose what direction they want to shoot this shit at you. It keeps two chemicals, hydroquinone and hydrogen peroxide, loaded in the chamber and once it is ejected the air makes it become an explosion. 

Oh, and in case you think I'm just worrying for nothing these things live everywhere except Antarctica. These baby monsters hunt at night consuming other bugs using its natural shotgun powered ass. And its not like this thing hits you once and escapes like a Black teenager. No. This stores enough ass bullets to get you about twenty times which is enough to kill most of what it is hunting for. You should see the video of these goddamn things. Its not like some little “pewn!” comes out. It'd be like running up on a kid thinking you can steal their candy and they whip out a weapon from Fallout. I also don't like that it looks like other insects. Is it a bee? A wasp? (shoots fire) Nope. 

Click here for previous Dante Vs Nature.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Five Things I Learned Having Crushes


I get crushes. Not often but it happens and when it does I tend to sigh heavily on the inside and moan like a sick whale on the outside. I don't know about you but when I have a crush it tends to be more annoying than this fun experience like it is in movies. For me a crush is different than liking someone. When I like someone, or god forbid fall in love, it is definite and there will be some action taken. When it's a crush it can drag on for damn near a year of questioning everything from my clothing choices to multi-verses where I'm far more confident in my ability to confront these wicked city women I fall for. In this Five Things I Learned Having Crushes you will get a taste of my struggle. There are really more than five but you don't need to know that much about me. You already know too much. Stop being nosy. I'll be getting some help with this from Ralph Wiggum.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Just Talking With Dante Episode 26


Jasmine has returned and we talk about a Fat Tour she denies, me having trouble finding a hard bath brush, being intentionally uninformed, discuss the recent eclipse, Y2K, cults, the logistics of nudity in heaven, too much celebrity news, The Bachelor and reality show sex, bad street walkers, health and food panicking, the shocking truth about chicken eggs, and so much more. We were all over the damned place. In case you're wondering about the sirens and helicopters were later found out a huge fire was happening down the street. Click here for this and previous Just Talking With Dante.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Grown Ass Man Tips: Staring

Staring at folks is dangerous. Just look at the animal kingdom. Staring directly at another creature's eyes can end with you being beaten like a drum or ending up on a t-shirt with your start and end date. The same goes for humans. How many post-primates do you know that like to start some shit because they “were looked at the wrong way”? Cut that shit out. There are times when someone looks at me for too long and I'm not sure if I am supposed to fight or fuck them. If I can look you in the eyes for more than two seconds chances are I am screaming inside my head for you to put your lips against mine or we are cool as fuck. Otherwise I look into your eyes, make sure you're not a figment of my sleep deprived imagination, and continue talking. 

Friday, August 18, 2017

The Seven Ex's You'll Have


This post is gonna apply to men and women so don't get confused when I switch between terms like “he” and “she” and shit like that. I mean, that doesn't even matter to a lot of folks these days. Its just a regular ol' bangarang orgy in these streets! In this post The Seven Ex's You'll Have I will talk just about that. This will of course include some experiences I've had in the past and since I ain't had a real girlfriend in four years or any stank on my hang low in over one I feel that I am an expert in talking about this kinda thing. Or not. Either way I have a blog, fingers, and too many opinions I like to share with strangers. 

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

My Current Jam: Tabria Majors


When you say someone is a BBW that second B is real important. There are too many BW's adding that extra B when they don't deserve it. That's right, I said it. I first spotted Tabria Majors on TMZ for some Sports Illustrated photo shoot because I don't think anyone reads that shit for actual sports anymore. Anyhoot, this chick is cute as fuck. I need to do another post explaining what the hell that term even means. Like, she is so cute I don't wanna touch her. She's like one of those cakes with all that pretty shit on it. You just wanna stare at it because its too pretty to ruin. If I was dating her I wouldn't want her parents to know that I was having the sex with her. Just apologize to her father every time I met him.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Just Talking With Dante Episode 25


Jasmine is back! In this episode we talk about our Fat Tour of the day, “reintimidate” the sound of an old lady which makes Jasmine lose her mind, how I can not say the word “orange” properly, we list the reasons why we could not be in jail, Jasmine breaks down what prisons do not have, how long it'd take me to sleep with an ugly prison guard, discuss white draws, getting attacked for jerking it, I explain how I'd breeze through solitary confinement, we discuss Black Mirror a bit, talk Rob Kardashian/Blac Chyna drama, Beyonce babies, and why I want to join R. Kelly's cult. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Kids These Days 73

I have written about candy from my childhood before (click here to check that out). This time I am going to write about some more. One of them I forgot existed for good reasons because it tasted like Satan's pantyline. When I think of my childhood and all the candy I consumed it is shocking that I'm not 300 pounds and the owner of all the diabetes. There are enough candies that have been discontinued for whatever reasons. They probably caused long since gone diseases or something. Who knows? Either way I still want 'em back. Mostly. 

Cherry Clan. Nothing like good ol' fashioned racist candy, right? These were fucking delicious. Of course they could never release something like this with that packaging even if they changed it because of old assholes like me. This was in the same family of candy as Lemon HeadsJohnny Apple Treats, and Alexander The Grape. Yes, these were all candies that once existed and you won't get to try unless you like in Bumfuck, Tennessee or buy them off of eBay and I assure you they'll be covered in dust and those diseases that no longer exist I mentioned. 

Just thinking off these is making my mouth water. I'm not sure what they were coated in but your hand would be deep red which was kinda cool because it was like having extra candy when you licked your hand clean. We didn't wash our hands in the 80's which we all know is the cause of AIDS. Its science. It didn't really taste like cherry so much as, well, sugar. It was white on the inside just like the candies I mentioned above and colored on the outside. Top ten no longer around candies.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Creepy Woman Becomes Creepy Dark Woman


When I first saw this woman I thought it was a fake image. I figured that there was no one that would for real do the same shit that Robert Downey Jr. from Tropic Thunder did. Turns out I was wrong. Martina Adams aka Martina Big is a German model that is known for having the biggest bazungas in Europe. She is now known for for turning her skin darker in an attempt to transition into being a Black woman. This woman looks spooky as shit. Just to get that out of the way in case anyone reading this thought that she was My Current Jam or something. She isn't. This shit is frightening.

After having some extensions added to her hair she said “To become more and more a black woman, that is such a wonderful feeling. I'm so happy. I'm a black girl with black hair, so I have to change very soon my passport.” I think that should be the least of her concerns. Frightening children and making it harder for me to sleep should be higher up on that list. She also says she plans to change more of her features and get a bigger butt.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Dante Vs. Nature 69


For anyone that says “God doesn't make mistakes!” I present to you Trichobatrachus robustus aka Hairy Frog aka Wolverine Frog! This fucking thing looks like something out of a Guillermo Del Toro film. When not in scare the shit out of travelers mode its claws sit in its back feet. But when it wants to give you a story to talk about when you get home looking different they pop out of its hands. They don't even come out of normal claw places either. The shits come out of its palms. It breaks its own bones just to defend itself. Its the same shit that frat boys or lunatics do but instead of ripping off their shirt to flash their barbed wire tattoo they smash their hands into glass and use that glass as a weapon. It'd be like high-fiving a demon and I don't need that stress in my life.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Just Talking With Dante Episode 24


Jasmine has returned for another show! We talk about our Fat Tour, our drink refill policies, people getting upset at Kendrick Lamar for actually being humble, we discuss the Kathy Griffin photo controversy, Bill Maher dropping n-bombs, I discuss wanting to be a cult leader, couples that prank one another, students using retweets to get out of doing finals, I ask Jasmine a series of Would You Rather? questions, we talk about dead bodies doing living things, and the Kardashian sex circle. This episode was all over the place but fun. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Best Of Just Talking With Dante/Jasmine Part 4


This is the final installment of the Best Of Talking With Dante & Jasmine. It was fun putting these together. Thanks to Jasmine for being such a fun guest and making this show so much better and for all you random folks out there that listen to and download this show. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Best of Just Talking With Dante/Jasmine Part 3


Once again I have gathered some of my favorite clips of Just Talking With Dante featuring my cousin Jasmine. I think there will be one or possibly two more of these and I also plan on doing one of our music show (D&J DJ's). Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Best Of Just Talking With Dante/Jasmine Part 2


This is the second installment of The Best Of Just Talking With Dante & Jasmine. Again I had a hard time trimming this down to moments I liked. There are always things that I forgot we said or talked about. Be sure to click here to check out previous episodes of Just Talking With Dante.