Sunday, November 23, 2014

My First Time Episode 1: Losing My Virginity

In this new audio show My First Time I plan on discussing the firsts of many things in my life. In this one I talk about my first time having sex. Yeah. Its as sad as you'd imagine. Click here to download.

Friday, November 21, 2014

While You Were Sleeping: Daniel Handler Insult

I barely heard about this story and am surprised that it didn't make more news. That is why I write this nonsense. An author of children books aimed at Black children Jacqueline Woodson received a National Book Award for her book Brown Girl Dreaming. After accepting the award author Daniel Handler who is best known for his Lemony Snicket novels got up to tell what he thought would be a funny joke.

Now, before I get to what he said I need to just say this to you, the reader, and I want you to share this information with your friends: read the room. You can't just say whatever comes to mind or whatever you think is funny and expect everyone to agree with you.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

History Of My Homes

Growing up I moved a lot. I have always wanted to have pictures of every house I grew up in or at least what my room looked like. While I do not have the latter, I do have Google and with it I can look at images of my old houses. Above is my Grandmama's house. I had to put that because from birth to 9 years old I spent my morning till afternoons there. I've found each of the seven houses I lived in with my family before escaping to West Hollywood and will write about the good and the bad about each. Also how long we lived there as far as I can recall.

89th St. (11 years)

This is the first house I grew up in and when I think of my childhood sticks out the most. I loved this house so much. I was here from birth until 11 and it sucked to leave it. Out of all the houses on the street this one, meaning my old one, looks different. Every other house looks exactly the same.

Good: Huge backyard. Like...really huge. My cousin lived next door and that was fun. Lots of kids on the street. Thrifty's ice cream that became the Western Swap Meet later. Mr. Bros. shaved ice shop/arcade that was owned by my next door neighbor. Singer Karen White lived right across the street. “I'm not your Superwoman...” Nice fireplace. Big front porch.

What People Care About This Week: Bill Cosby Rape Allegations

You ever have one of those situations in life or a series of events that happened that you had hoped was gone and no one would bring up again? I'm sure Bill Cosby does. For the past few weeks his history of rape allegations has been front and center in his life and while it was known by the public for quite some time it didn't come to the forefront again until a stand up routine by comedian Hannibal Buress where he made this statement.

“And it's even worse because Bill Cosby has the fucking smuggest old black man public persona that I hate. Pull your pants up, black people. I was on TV in the '80s. I can talk down to you because I had a successful sitcom. Yeah, but you raped women, Bill Cosby. So, brings you down a couple notches. I don't curse on stage. Well, yeah, you're a rapist, so, I'll take you sayin' lots of motherfuckers on Bill Cosby: Himself if you weren't a rapist. I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns. I've done this bit on stage, and people don't believe. People think I'm making it up. That shit is upsetting. If you didn't know about it, trust me. You leave here and Google ‘Bill Cosby rape.' It's not funny. That shit has more results than Hannibal Buress.”

Since then it has resulted in shows canceling interviews with Cosby, more allegations or various forms of sexual misconduct, the cancellation of an upcoming Netflix series, and interviews that are uncomfortable for everyone except the interviewer because this stuff gets views and attention. I think the interviews bother me because it is the perfect example of the “gotcha media” that Sarah Palin's crazy ass used to complain about.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

I Hate This Show Episode 24: Vengeance Is A Diss Best Served Called

In this episode we get a glimpse into Sylvester Stallone's early porn career, an old song sounds creepy when spoken and not sung, a killer calls Dante and something special happens, and Alexa Alegrea Stormchaser Rockwell is on trial for the murder of her BFF. You should just skip right past this and read one of my blogs. Click here for this and previous I Hate This Show.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

"Solus Ipse" Part 2

Pritchard and Donovan sat across from Captain Lowes and tried to calmly weather the storm. He was known for having a bad temper. They were used to his outbursts. But this one was bad. The morning paper sat in front of him on his desk. A bloody picture of yet another victim stared at them from the cover.

Lowes sighed and let his breath out fast. He looked at Pritchard and then Donovan. Taking the paper and balling it up, he tossed it across the room and against his door sending paper flying everywhere.

“Shit!” he shouted. The entire station seemed to immediately silence. “Any new information? Any?” Lowes was not really expecting an answer. He looked at Donovan and waited for her to say something. At times like this she usually did. This time she did not.

“Fucking Christ. You know what's gonna happen? Do you? Do you have any fucking clue what's gonna happen if we don't find this sick son of a bitch yesterday?! Goddamn it. Look. I know you two are trying hard but I need you to try harder.”

“Is this a pep talk?” Donovan asked. Pritchard looked at her and rolled his eyes. She was feeling the pressure from this case. The media had dubbed it “The Fairplay Killings” on account of the various victims that have been murdered. Donovan hated the media. “Because while you're telling us...”

Kids These Days 46

There is a father named Kevin Jones that found out that his daughter was lying about her age to older guys online. She had created accounts that he was unaware of and against his rules so he decided to embarrass her. She also had a little secret boyfriend. Instead of beating the hell out of her like what would've happened when I was little (and will get you arrested nowadays) he got an outfit for her.

He later posted on his Facebook page this message. My main problem with this is that he decided to share it on social media and didn't bother to correct the spelling.

“Since my beautiful daughter wants to be grown & lie about her age. Saying she is 14,15,16,&18 years old. She claims to be in love and going out with a boyfriend which is completely against my rules!!!! I uncovered that she has been doing this for quite some time.

She also has snuck and obtained social media accounts, also against my rules!!!! Heres the consequences behind her actions. An age defining shirt. Yes people she is 5'9 & 10years old. ‪#‎BuddiesBarrettesBallBalls‬.”

"Solus Ipse" Part 1

3am is no time for anyone concerned with their safety to be out. There is nothing but criminals and those that are paid to stop them prowling the streets. And the random victim who has yet to learn these rules.

Sara was one of these victims.

Lured into a restroom at a gas station miles from her home by a friendly face, she was the perfect prey for one such as Albert Dukes. Albert stood 5'11” and weighed 185lbs. His closely cropped hair and style of dress attracted glances from many women. This was all intentional.

“You're not there. I mean, I see you but you're really not there. I can smell you. I can touch you. I can hear every word they you're saying.'re not there. You say that I'm hurting you and I can plainly see that I indeed am hurting you, but you see, I really am not hurting you. I see the blood flowing from your wounds and yet...”

Alfred crouched down in front of his victim. A young high school student named Sara Lawrence. Her eyes were wide with fear. Alfred did not care. He slowly inserted the blade into Sara's bound legs and sighed. Her scream was muffled by an old sock and duct tape. Albert dabbed his index finger into the blood now pooling around her arm and put it to his lips.

He smiled for a moment knowing that if he were to look at his reflection that he would appear to be wearing lipstick. He looked into Sara's eyes and pursed his lips.

Monday, November 17, 2014

"Goldbrick" by Dante Ross Part 2 of 3

35 decided that since this would be his last day staying on Earth that he would do something he'd never done before: talk to someone. All of his time on the planet he decided to never utter a word to anyone. Too many languages he decided and the longer he stayed the more there were. It was an unending wall of speech that he could not be bothered with.

After all, he was supposed to destroy the planet thousands of years ago.

This was a very active planet, nothing like where he came from, and the humans loved to hear themselves. Where 35 was from if anyone made a sound the entire city would pause in confusion. It took him years to get used to the birds on Earth alone. Flight was something he had never seen. On his planet they would just...appear somewhere they needed to be.

What are you doing, 35?

“I am getting dressed.”

Why? You should be initiating--

“I know, I know” 35 said mockingly. “Initiate the revolt of the stars. I have all morning, afternoon, and evening to initiate everything. What's the rush?”

Friday, November 14, 2014

I Don't Want A Cell Phone or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Loved Being Unreachable

There are a few reactions folks have when I tell them that I don't have a cell phone. People that do not know me well think that I'm some anti-technology weirdo that is making a strange stance against the future. Some of my friends think I am just being stubborn. Other friends know that I just don't need one.

I think a lot of the fear that people have of not owning a cell phone comes from an inability to take responsibility for their actions. People show up late but think it is fine since they can call, as they are running late, to explain that they will not be on time.

How courteous of them.

People ask me “What if you need directions?” I tell them that I check that information before I leave the house. Then the next question is “What if you get lost?” Look. This isn't the Old Frontier. If I get lost there is no chance of me dying of starvation or being attacked by bandits. Plus, I'm a grown ass man. If I leave the house and get lost I accept that responsibility.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

I Hate This Show Episode 23: I Hate You Genie Michael McDonald

Now with less Batman! Jar Jar Binks has new Star Wars news, a new catcall translator for women, Bane is Contagious, Dante is invited to participate in Mortal Kombat, an R&B singer gets upset when someone throws something on stage, a genie Michael McDonald arrives to grant three wishes, and the end of the Mortal Kombat tournament. This is the best worst episode yet! Click here for this and previous I Hate This Show.

Dante Explains Shit: Marijuana Laws

Weed! Marijuana. Ganja. The Devil's Weed. Papa Smurf. I made the last one up. Its known by many things but illegal is the most prevalent. Now, while marijuana laws are slowly changing possessing weed will get you in jail or fined no matter how much of it you have. Most people just think that weed is bad and should be illegal without really know why it is in the first place. So in this Dante Explains Shit I'm gonna do a Cliff Notes version of the history of marijuana and how it got to the point where smoking a plant will get your freedom taken away.

Since the 1800's marijuana was used for medical purposes. People like to think that only in recent decades its been used to treat pain and illnesses but its been hundreds of years. I think I need to clarify something. When people think of hemp they think of marijuana. You can not get high from hemp no matter how much you smoke. Though they are from the same plant one is male and the other female.

Hemp is used for many things. Fabric, building material, and also paper. Hemp is one of the strongest materials on the planet and unlike most plants. The sails of ships were made of the stuff. Jeans were made from it. The first two drafts of the Declaration of Independence were written on it. Hemp is cheap, strong, and easy to grow. Like my penis.

I Hate This Show Episode 22: I'm Not In Love

This episode is the worse. Batman, Bane, Gollum, Gandalf, and Buffalo Bill sing 10cc, Batman sings Billy Joel, Heroes Of Manhood Organization get a new member, Buffalo Bill sings Desperado, Batman and Bane do Lethal Weapon, Bane is not a Fortunate Son, and a boxer is upset at his video game style loss. Don't listen to this or share it with anyone unless you want them to think less of you. Click here for this and previous I Hate This Show.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Inspirational Quotes Are The Worse

I'm that guy that hates inspirational quotes. I can't just look at one, nod, smile, and move on. I start to analyze the quote, judge who it came from, and find out what else they said or did with their life. By the time I'm done I can't even remember where I started. I just know that I'm now annoyed.

I think my issue started when I was younger. I would hear someone tell another human that was going through some rough shit that God had a plan for them and not to worry or be sad about it. I would be like “Wow, what did you do to piss God off and what can I do to avoid it?!” Telling someone that God has a plan for them is not helpful. Not only is it not helpful its presumptuous. Maybe God is busy with other things and forgot about your nonsense. Like Korean Jesus.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

"Goldbrick" by Dante Ross Part 1 of 3

Wake up.

I don't want to move.

Wake. Up.

Not yet.

Initiate revolt of the stars.

“Okay, I'm up!” 35 shouted though he did not move.


“But...I'm comfortable” 35 whined. He felt a slight tremble in the dimensional spectrum and quickly rolled out of his hammock landing on the dock overlooking the sea. No matter where 35 was assigned he would move towards the ocean. It reminded him of home.