Thursday, October 30, 2014

Kids These Days 45

We live in a new world. Especially if you're a kid. Kids can't get away with the things I could've growing up. Why? Because they ruined it. These kids from Massachusetts named Tito Velez and Jamie Pereira, who are dating (whatever that means when you're 15), were suspended from school because of a photo that they took in which they are each holding AirSoft rifles. Some people are upset that they were suspended, one being young Tito.

“This isn't dangerous. You can't kill someone with it. We didn't shoot anyone. We were pointing them at the floor” he said. This is true. The guns are not dangerous if they don't hit you in the eye. And the picture was not taken at school which is smart. The picture was posted with a caption saying “Homecoming 2014.” Now, in the early 90's or any part of the 1980's this would have been fine. Anything after that and especially right now, you are begging to get suspended at best or arrested at worst. Or shot at. Yeah. There's always that.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

I Hate This Show Episode 20: #NowYouHaveMyPermissionToCry

I don't know what I did for this one. Its just a lot of dumb shit that you need to continue ignoring. Stop enabling my madness. Click here to download this and previous I Hate This Show.

Police Release Drunk Zombie Into Society

Police in New York caught a drunk zombie driving down the road and arrested her. Then they set her free! Her name is Catherine Butler and she is 26 years old and should know better. She got busted for driving drunk with a blood alcohol level of .11. The legal limit is .08 in most places. It was close to 2am so she was coming from a party where she obviously got wasted and no action. The police also slapped on operating a vehicle with no headlights. 

So this girl was dressed as a zombie, drunk, and driving in the dark. How many wrongs can you accomplish in one day? Turns out a few more.

Her friend picked her up from jail and took her drunk ass back home where normal people would just be glad that they didn't have to stay in jail overnight and sleep it off. 

But not Catherine. Catherine was like “I'm not as turnt up as much as I should be.” This is that thing where having a friend that makes sure you don't do dumb shit is a really good thing. There are some people that when they drink become just terrible assholes. Maybe that was the case here.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Teens Sexy Evening Foiled

This 18 year old girl named Karla Farmer from South Carolina was arrested after she was busted by mall security stealing a bunch of freaky shit. Its too late for Valentine's Day to be stealing this stuff and it would've been an interesting Halloween outfit if she had. She managed to pilfer some Rock Hard erection cream, handcuffs, and Deep Throat desensitizing spray. When security caught her she also had a pair of draws she stole from Victoria's Secret. She got slapped with misdemeanor shoplifting and since she stole where she stole and lives where she lives her ass could be charged thousands of dollars and do up to three years in prison. People, know the laws of the places you live. The total amount of the stuff she stole from Spencer's amounted to about $35.

Since I sold porn for so many years I actually know, but never purchased, all of the stuff she stole. Wait. I did buy handcuffs. And a whip. And a fetish mask. For video purchases. That sounds way worse than I intended. I don't trust another human being enough to allow them to cuff me. Fuck that noise. 

Friday, October 24, 2014

The Seven Men Female Nerds Will Date

Recently I wrote a post called The Seven Women Nerds Will Date. Some people were upset by it. Probably because some of the things listed hit too close to home. Some guys were able to admit that they have dated one or more of the different types of women. Then there were the “white knights” that stood up for women and thought that I was just being a bitter and angry man.

It was cute.

This time I am going to cover The Seven Men Female Nerds Will Date. Maybe you were nerdy and chubby but over time improved. Still, on bad days you feel like that child that people picked on for being different. If this post upsets you then chances are you have some deep rooted anger issues. This is just a blog written by someone you'll never meet that happens to know that you have bad taste in men. I'm kidding! But totally not. And he's some light listening music.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Give Me A B! Give Me A J!

There is a 24 year old gym teacher that was just charged with 30 counts of statutory rape for having sex with a 16 year old student. I was gonna write about that until I saw this story. There are a few things that surprised me about it, none of them being the fact that a teacher had sex with a student. That's just something that is in the news every week now. Each week there is a young teacher that is female and sleeping with a student. When I first hear these stories after getting over my initial jealousy I wonder what they looked like. It seems that teachers are way hotter than they were when I was growing up. My hottest teacher couldn't hold a candle to the ones running 'round these days.

What surprised me about this was that this substitute teacher was Black. Yes. That surprised me. Most of these stories have been about hot White chicks. What also surprised me was that she is only 22 years old. How in the fuck can you be a teacher at that age? And lastly, this teacher wasted no time getting into trouble by fucking a student. It was her first day.

I Hate This Show Episode 19: The Rap Cypher

In this rap themed episode I rap over BET Cypher beats. Kinda. I tried, okay?! First are the Eater of Worlds and robot masters, Bane vs. Batman, and me, Pretty Ricky, and Death from Doom Mates. Make sure you listen to this with your old ass aunty. Click here for this and previous I Hate This Show.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The Seven Women Nerds Will Date

For all intents and purposes I am a nerd. No, not one of the cool ones that exist today by putting on a pair of fake thick framed glasses, dressing strange, and finding the most obscure things to get into. No, real nerds are like The Incredible Hulk. You try to be normal and at the most inopportune time your nerdiness rears its ugly head. You name every Robin that ever existed as the person you talk to eyes glaze over. You want to stop but you can't.

They must know there was more than one female Robin!

In this post titled The Seven Women Nerds Will Date I will discuss the different type of women that you have dated, will date, want to date, or know better than to attempt to date. Now, I'm not saying that none of these relationships work out. Some do. In dreams. You can even date a combination of these wrapped into one. Play this while reading to set the mood.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

The Enabler: "Good Cop" Part 1 Of 3

To read more of The Enabler click here to download a free book in any format as well as a few of my other books at Smashwords. Thanks to everyone that has and shared so far.

There's always one policeman that you can't buy. In every town, city, country, or even village there is the one who got the idea that truth and justice made the world go 'round and without it there would be complete anarchy. These men and women dedicate their lives to protecting the helpless and innocent from the boogieman.

Today, I'm the boogieman.

Officer Anthony “Call Me Tony” Lopez is sitting in my waiting room. I have yet to replace Ira after her...early termination, so I'm letting Tony settle for a few minutes before speaking to him. A client that works for the police has been informing me that for the last eight months Officer Lopez has had what he described as “a wild hair up his ass” for me and wanted to take me down. Not for the glory or recognition.

But because it is what's right.

I've managed to avoid Officer Lopez all this time due to the fact that I have been very busy. Over the past few months my clients have increased by 65%. It has been difficult keeping up with all the business I've been getting. Difficult. Not impossible.

Nothing is impossible.

Dante Bitches About Us Magazine (Renee Zellweger Caught In Crossfire)

Renee Zellweger has a new and different look. That is a nice way of saying that she looks like a new human being. When Miss J. posted a picture on her Facebook if she hadn't said who it was in the picture it would have taken a long time for me to guess this was actually Renee. I am using her first name because fuck typing that long ass name out.

Now, I am not against plastic surgery most times. When I hear people I know that want to get it I just nod and silently disagree. Most surgery that you choose to get like a nose job or some kind of nip and tucking you have to do it more than once. You don't have it done, look great, and spend the rest of your life happy as hell. Most things people want to change make them special. 

Your nose can be a little crooked or big and it makes you cute. Get it changed and you'll start wondering why you don't get compliments anymore. There are far too many examples of celebrities and singers changing their face and having to deal with the results. There is upkeep involved, especially if it looks bad.

Welcome to bad.

After Miss J. posted the picture I went online to read about it. US Magazine which is known for garbage and straight up lying wrote about Renee at a recent red carpet event. Now, she has stayed out of the public for a while and I think I know why.

Woman Falls In Love Then Gets Stuck In It

In the past I have said that I wish a chick was obsessed with me. Of course it would have to be like in the movies where she is cute and goes from church girl to porn star just by removing her glasses. This chick, 30 year old Genoveva Nunez-Figueroa of Thousand Oaks, took the wrong route with her obsession with a guy she met online. She tried sneaking into his house through the chimney like some sex crazed Santa Claus and got her dumb ass stuck. A neighbor heard her whimpering and crying before calling 911. They heard her at 5:45am and by 8:15am she was free...and then arrested for illegal entry and giving false information. They ended up having to lube her with wine and stories about how strong they are. Or dish washing liquid. Both seem plausible. Her bail is set at $2,500 and she is due in court today.

The guys house that she was trying to get into is someone she had met online and went on about six dates with before he broke things off. God, I wish I could interview him and hear why he decided to stop seeing her. I bet she hinted at marriage. Try that shit too soon and a guy will leave faster than a tree. He met her online, people! Chances are he wanted to get some action and just wasn't honest about it because its the internet. You only have to be sorta honest. Hell, you can lie about your sex if you want. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Five Things I Learned Going To Mental Therapy

We're all fucked up. Sorry if this is how you had to find out, but its true. The only perfect man to ever exist died years ago so that we may have a better life. And we shall never forget you, Thomas Wayne. Through your death, Batman was created. You may be surprised to know this, but I have been to therapy. Yeah, I know. I'll give you a few moments to let that sink in. Deep breaths, everybody. Deep breaths.

A lot of people tend to use their friends as therapy which is good for you but not so much for friends. I was talking earlier with a friend about how certain people in our lives will just dump all their shit on us, feel better, then go about their day causing more mistakes just to have something to talk about later. In this Five Things I Learned Going To Mental Therapy I'll talk about my experiences in getting my brain parts examined...good and bad. These are all actual pictures of me used by the way.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

I Hate This Show Episode 18: I Cant See No One Else Smiling Here

Batman and Bane sing Common People, Boss Ni**er is the best song ever recorded, Dante tries to pick up a hooker, Buffalo Bill sings about Street Life. You should just skip right past this and read one of my blogs. This is just stupid. Click here for this and previous I Hate This Show.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Camel Kills Over Coke

Miss Jackie sent me this story about a man that was murdered by a camel in Mexico. Now, the fact that a camel killed a human being is not shocking. Camels are assholes. “Ooh, look at me! I got back fat so I don't have to eat for a while!” Jerks. What I didn't know that camels were vengeful bastards. A 60 year old man from Chicago named Rick Mileski who owns an animal sanctuary of his own was kicked, bitten, and sat on by a camel. This, I believe, is the actual camel. Smug ass. It is being said that on this faithful day that Mileski did not give this camel a Coke, which he normally did, the camel wasn't having that shit and went boots to asses on him. The rescuers had to use a truck with a rope tied to it to even pull the damned thing off of Mileski. His animal park has been closed down and all the wild ass animals removed until an investigation is done. I don't know what's to investigate. Don't fuck with folks Coke.  

This Is Doom Mates

This is an image of the main cast of Doom Mates. Just click here to see some of the ones I loaded on Funny or Die a while back. I have been playing around with special effects on the computer and enjoying it.