Monday, September 29, 2014

Woman Uses Man As Hood Ornament

No one likes meter maids. No one. But most people don't use them as a hood ornament. I saw this story about this lady named Bo Mounsombath, 33, of San Francisco driving with this parking enforcement officer on the hood of her car. She is being charged with assault with a deadly weapon and misdemeanor hit and run after hitting this guy and driving for twelve blocks with him on the hood of her car. Why? My guess is she is crazy. She just has that look about her. I saw an interview with her and just looking at her face I thought “That woman is not all there.” Stop acting like a lot of crazy can't be spotted from a distance. A witness named Allison Yates took a picture of this shit happening. “I saw her go by and realized there was a guy on the hood on his back, hanging on kind of spread-eagled. She turned right from that far left lane across all lanes of traffic. She was screaming, he was screaming, it was insane.” If I was on the hood of that car that woman would have got her camera wet with my tears and pee. In the image the guy on the hood looks like he is trying to reason with this woman which after travelling a few blocks must have known was impossible. 

This all started when the parking guy says he saw Bo, the driver, take a ticket from a car that already had a ticket for parking illegally during street sweeping and place it on hers. Pretty clever. When the guy went to talk to her about this she gunned it and hit his motorcycle as he landed on her hood.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Things I Don't Wanna Hear Anymore

I talk a lot. I also listen a lot. But there are times when I wish I could grab someone and just shake the shit out of them because of the things that they say. I thought of a few things that I am tired of hearing, and reading, and made this handy dandy list. Thankfully people that I talk to on a regular basis don't really say these things to me. Otherwise I'd triangle choke them. If you don't know what that is then I'll show you next time we hang out.

“You Don't Know What You're Missing”

Yes, I do. What you're offering. I always know what I'm missing. There is a whole process that goes on when an offer is made to me that leads to me using my mouthparts to express my opinion. In every instance that I decided to not do something that I was told I would be missing I've never gone “Well, goddamn it! I should've went!” I tend to go “It sounds like you had fun. That's cool.” I always know what I'm missing.

Now, it would be different if I missed an event and someone said “This big legged chick in a plaid skirt was looking for a 6'1” Black guy with no hopes and dreams to give a blowjob to!” Then I'd be pissed. I'd be downright ornery. But that doesn't happen. I hear that someone got drunk, puked, passed out, tried to walk into the bushes, and wasn't heard from for a full day. And that was me!

I Hate This Show Episode 15: We're Talking About Practice

A quick intro from Kevin & Bean on KROQ from me harassing Lisa May, a grandpa decides to rap in church, Bane gets upset about being called out for missing practice, and a slow jam about chocolate cake. This is stupid and you should ignore it. Click here to download this and past I Hate This Show.

The Three Breasted Lie

You know that chick with three breasts,Jasmine Tridevil, that said she got the extra boob added because she doesn't want to date anymore? Yeah. Her. Turns out that her extra something special is fake! Of course some people are not surprised at all and say they knew it was fake. I on the other hand have close to no faith in humanity at the moment and assumed that someone would be dumb enough to do this. She got outed as being a lying liar who lies when her luggage was stolen at the Tampa International Airport. One of the items in her luggage in the report was listed as a “3 breast prosthesis” that cost $5,000. So while humanity is a hot ass mess we are not yet at a point where girls are getting a third breast to ward off men. Prepare to never hear from this girl by the end of the week. And to whoever created her fake three breasts, get that person a job! And get Jasmine therapy. She needs all the help.

Man Can't Stop Having Orgasms

This 37 year old guy Dale Decker suffers from having involuntary orgasms all day long. I've heard of a woman having this happen to her before but never a guy. His “condition” is known as Persistent Genital Arousal Syndrome. This first started when he slipped a disk in his back and on the way to the hospital came five damned times on the ambulance ride. Jealous! As fun as this sounds this party pooper married father of two makes it sound horrible.

“Imagine being on your knees at your father's funeral beside his casket, saying goodbye to him and then you have nine orgasms right there while your whole family is standing behind you. It makes you never want to have another orgasm for as long as you live.” Aw, baby got dirt on his diamond. You know how cool it would be to be able to just stand there and have orgasms? I plan on slipping every disk in my back as soon as possible!

“There's nothing pleasurable about it because even though it might feel physically good, you're completely disgusted by what's going on. If you're in public, if you're in front of kids it's disgusting and it can break you real fast.” I'd turn this into a dance or something. Just try and play it off. “It happened to me at the grocery store and when it was over, there were around 150 people looking straight at me. Why would I leave the house when something like this can happen?”

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Not The Bad Girl

There's a hot new convict in town! Angela Coates, 22, was arrested in DeKalb, Georgia for disorderly conduct about a month ago. Quinno sent me the link talking about how folk are comparing her to that dude that got arrested and all the women wanted to get pregnant by, Jeremy Meeks. Oh, how I remember him. Couldn't look at the TV or internet without seeing this blue eyed sumbitch staring at me.

Coates is a former Jet Beauty of the Week and a model. That's about all I know. She is getting a lot of attention because she is pretty but that's about it. She doesn't have the criminal history and gang affiliations like Meeks had so she isn't a bad girl. Well, I'm saying that not knowing what “disorderly conduct” means in her situation. She could've bottled someone for all I know which is a thing that a lot of women tend to do when they fight. She was released the same day she was arrested so she couldn't have been too much of a problem. At 5'7” and 140lbs. she's is a sturdy chick. She is also upset and won't be trying for any “crime mugshot look” as well as “I'm the female Jeremy Meeks.” She better hope not because the last I checked that fool was facing 10 years in prison. 

“Police take advantage of their authority each and every day and people assume that since I am 'attractive' that my life is perfect. Well it's not I was wrongfully arrested last month by an officer who abused his authority. Good night.” She said that but continued. “I design shoes my best friend was my dog who got killed I love Disney world and am very family oriented. I put my pants on just like you. But since I'm beautiful I'm just a horrible person. Ok young world.”

She's not gonna earn any sympathy acting like that. People get pissed when attractive people talk about having problems. It sucks but it is a part of life that I'm not a part of. Someone posted on Twitter “I would sell off our family house for the bond money, leave my wife and kids homeless for Angela Coates :(.” What a champion. This chick, since she is a model, needs to take advantage of whatever attention she gets from this that can lead to more work for her.  

The Bench Guys

For those that do not know, for almost six years I was a writer for Tha O Show. It was a podcast as well as articles about wrestling, MMA, and music. It expanded and became a whole new beast. Eventually it was closed down and I was left with no place to afflict my writing on that wasn't one of my own sites. I love writing for The Nation of O and still miss it.

But now a new day has dawned!

The Bench Guys is a new site started by a bunch of dudes that like basketball. “Dante, you wouldn't know a basketball from a football!” I disagree, sir! I have made it my life's mission to know a little about a lot and I know a little something about most sports. When Donnie was hyping this site I wished that I could help out in some way. During a conversation I mentioned that if anything I could contribute gossip.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Celebrate The Vajayjay With Cookies (For The Kids...?!)

I had not one but two friends send me a link to this Reddit post about a 2nd grade teacher who caught all levels of hell for not allowing her classroom to munch down on some vagina shaped cookies. Click here to read the full post. Here is a sample of what happened.

“So Friday rolls around and the kids are excited. Autumn Lily Speaker comes into the classroom with a pan full of treats and brings them to me and says with a smile 'I decided you can use these to teach the kids about the woman's vagina today.' Baffled and completely caught off guard I slowly peel the aluminum foil off the pan to behold a plethora of sugar cookie and frosting vaginas. Not just any old vagina, but ALL KINDS OF VAGINAS...perplexed I give the parent the most professional look I can muster and quietly reply 'I'm sorry Autumn, but I can't give these to my students. This just isn't appropriate.'

Autumn bursts with the fury of a thousand angry Andrea Dworkin's and starts yelling in front of the class about how 'I should be proud of my vagina' and 'I am settling for a women's role in life.'”

Monday, September 22, 2014

Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Fistening

It's that time once again where I find interesting dating questions and answer them for myself. I tried to get rid of the ones I have answered on previous blogs and stick with the ones I wish people would actually ask me. These are more on the fun side and not stupid ass ones that ask about what school I went to and a lot of work shit.

As some people may know, I hate talking about work unless it's an awesome ass job where there are fights, explosions, sex, or body fluids. Otherwise you work at an office that has an asshole no one likes...and we don't wanna hear about them unless you have almost punched them once.

I like random ass stuff and would prefer if someone walked up to me and asked “What's the funkiest thing you ever smelled?” Now that's interesting to me.

I think I may have just explained why I'm single.

Three Breasted Woman Doesn't Want To Date

This chick in Florida by the name of Jasmine Tridevil has gotten elective surgery for one of the silliest damned reasons possible. As she puts it “I got it because I wanted to make myself unattractive to men. Because I don't want to date anymore.” Now, this is just dumb for multiple reasons. Adding an extra of what people like is not a way to turn someone off. I bet if I got an extra dick there would be at least 1,000 women that would want to try me for the story.

This surgery cost her $20,000 as well as her dignity. “It was really hard finding someone that would do it too because they’re breaking the code of ethics.” I wonder where she found a doctor terrible enough to go ahead and do this. I guess for that much money he would've given her wolf ears if she asked for 'em. “Well I am crazy” she said in an interview. “Crazy people don't know they are crazy, so technically since I know I'm crazy I'm not crazy.” I wouldn't call Tridevil crazy. Dumb? Yes. Crazy? No. Not even close. She currently works as a massage therapist (this is where I raise my eyebrows so high my glasses move). She also added “to me it just feels like another boob. The only difference is the nipple, that doesn't feel like the other ones.”

Sunday, September 21, 2014

I Hate This Show Episode 14: These Hoes Don't Know Cuz

In this dumb ass episode I call tech support and get anything but, Becky swims with sharks, and MC Such & Such gives you one of his hottest freestyles ever. Its not actually hot. You could, like, hold it in your hands with no oven mitts. Click here to download this and previous I Hate This Show.

Buff Babe Beats Boyfriend

A body builder by the name of Dani Reardon is in trouble for beating up her boyfriend in Orange County, Florida while she was drunk. She didn't stop there because she decided that it would be cool to kick his windshield in as well. She doesn't appear to be the kind of woman that you'd want to get liquored up. It's hard enough trying to control a normal sized woman when she is drunk what with the stabilizing her and keeping her from puking all over the place. She jumped her man, yanked his plants out, and smashed his windshield and he still didn't want to press charges. After she screamed at the police they tossed her into the back of the patrol car and she started to smash her head into the cage that separates the cops from the perps. She is only 24 years old and 4'11” tall. Woe be she who has to share the cell with a drunk bodybuilder.  

Friday, September 19, 2014

While You Were Sleeping: Ezell Ford Shooting

“I do not know what Ezell Ford is but I will look it up. ”

That is how I learned that a week ago a 25 year old Black male by the name of Ezell Ford was killed by the LAPD while chatting with Andrew Kishino. Before I begin let me explain why I called this While You Were Sleeping.

I started the What People Care About This Week as a response to someone who told me that all I write about is gossip (they obviously don't know that I write for 9 separate blogs ranging from food to art) and to sarcastically and seriously point out what was big in the news for the week but would be replaced with something else and the other being forgotten. Remember when the Michael Brown shooting and Ferguson was a big deal? This is going to be about the things that not only I missed, but are not being talked about.

While You Were Sleeping will be about what was swept under the rug, not reported because it wasn't sensational enough, or overshadowed by Nicki Minaj's lack of talent or Miley Cyrus having her ass wiped with a Mexican flag.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Dante Bitches About Cosmo 7 Things (Real) Guys Want During Sex

I love looking at Cosmo online just because it gives me a glimpse into a part of the world that I'm not a part of meaning the world where people attempt to have relationships with other individuals in a sexual nature. I saw this post called 7 Things (Real) Guys Want During Sex and laughed because they added the “Real” part because I always accuse this site of either being written by gay men that hate women or someone just making shit up. This is supposed to be for chicks to read but whatever. Guys don't read my blog so here ya go, ladies. This is what they wrote with my comments as well.

“We know what women want (one word: Gosling), but what is your man dying for during sex, but is too shy to communicate? We asked real men what they secretly want girls to do in the sack...”


“Easy. More blow jobs.” -Mike S.

This guy is straight to the point. I've written before about the trouble with asking for a blowjob and how there seems to be no polite way to ask for one. You just sit there and hope it happens or play your own sexual version of Press Your Luck. No Whammy! I can't think of a guy running around turning down blowjobs unless they keep getting bad ones.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Old Lady Likes Her Quiet

It's hard enough having to take music in school what with everyone calling you a nerd and such. It stinks when you have to take your instrument home. It stinks even more when someone aims a gun at your ass for practicing. 60 year old Cheryl Ann Pifer of Clifton, Colorado pointed her rifle at an 11 year old boy and some other kids in a backyard because she didn't like his clarinet playing. The kid told Pifer that he couldn't play it inside his grandma's house because a baby was sleeping. Pifer didn't want to hear that shit so she shouted “Fire in the hole!” and aimed her gun at them. She faces child abuse and felony menacing charges. Look at this woman. Do you think she gives a damn about those charges? She was released on $5,000 surety. Had to look up what that even was. I bet you that this is not the first time Pifer has pulled something like this. When you get around her age you start to get a little more racist, shoplifting, and hording. You don't start waving guns around at kids. Or maybe you do. Check on me in 25 years.