Thursday, August 21, 2014

No Sex In The Champagne Room

What? A brother can't get no trim? 53 year old William McDaniel was arrested this past weekend because he called the police to report that a stripper would not have sex with him. I wish I could see what the stripper looked like. He paid her $350 for a private dance which she stopped when McDaniel started getting all happy hands on her. He didn't realize that soliciting for sex was against the law when he should have realized that you can take a chick out on a date and pay half that and get some action. I watched Hookers At The Point and was shocked to find out how cheap it was to get laid. This guy didn't and now he is in jail for being multiple stupid. I can't wait for this 911 call to be released and hearing a 53 year old man trying to explain to police that he wanted a stripper arrested for not having sex with him. Maybe you expect sex at a place called Sagebrush Sam's Exotic Dance Club

Five Things I Learned Watching World Star Hip Hop

So this morning I got stuck in a World Star Hip Hop hole. WSHH is a site that has videos of music, random shit, and mostly fighting. Just all kinds of fighting. Men versus men, women versus women, men versus women, kids versus kids, people versus animals, whatever you're looking for. I've written before on what I learned watching Youtube fights. Now its time for Five Things I Learned Watching World Star Hip Hop (or WSHH because fuck all that writing). Now let's sit back and hope no advanced species ever discovers this website.

No One Knows How To Block

When I see a fight start and someone has their hands to their side or god forbid in the pockets I think “Why don't you just pull your pants down, bend over, and present yourself?” Who taught people how to fight? Every punch is a haymaker and yes while those are effective chances are you'll throw a wild ass swing and leave yourself wide open to ass kinda shenanigans. You're not Roy Jones Jr. so holding one hand up and swinging the other at your side just looks silly. So stop that.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Drunk Teacher Likes To Drink

This is the image of a woman who ran out of fucks to give. 57 year old math teacher Kathleen Jardine lives in the danger zone in a world that involves drinking, driving, cabbing, drinking, teaching, and more drinking. You can just imagine her going “What're you lookin' at, ya sonuvabitch?” Class started at Poston Butte High School in Tan Valley when Jardine started cursing at the students. They called for security instead of filming her like kids these days are supposed to and she was rounded up. She admitted to them that she had been drinking the night before. And the morning before school. Oh, and during the school day because the party don't stop till the panties drop. When her blood alcohol level was checked it was .205, almost three times the legal limit for driving. I point that out because of her actions from the previous night. You know how I mentioned that she was drinking the night before school? Well...

The night before she was pulled over by cops for drunk driving and had her car impounded. She actually took a cab to work because of this, and well, the fact that she was drunk as shit. She has been charged with public consumption of alcohol and can get disorderly conduct charges as well. The school won't say what they are gonna do with her but I suggest party. It turns out that she has been canned for this before back in 2011 when she showed up drunk in a New Mexico school.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

I Hate This Show Episode 9: Morgan Freeman's Seamen

Morgan Freeman has a special deal for you. Bane and Batman reenact Training Day. Bad music. Just nonsense. You probably shouldn't even listen to this. It'll rot your brain.Click here for this and previous I Hate This Show. But you probably shouldn't.  

I Write Stories

Kiyoshi and I have recently released another series of books. Actually its two stories in one. So far I have released four stories and it would be awesome if you all would share this link and/or buy and read my stuff. Let me know what you think. That would be groovy. They are available on Smashwords as well as Amazon. All links are below. 

Veterans Day/Kilo Sierra Echo

Two great books in one: VETERANS DAY and KILO SIERRA ECHO Veterans Day: Kendra Hecksford was born into a family of Marines. When selected to “the program” she assumed that she would continue her family's tradition. Little did she know that she would be a part of something that would change the name of the arms race forever. Human weapons created to exhibit human potential at its finest.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Johnny Panic: Therapy Champion Of The World 2

I got some more! Looking through these transcripts of therapy isn't as fun as I thought it would be. After reading this particular one I ended up flying to my brothers homes and moving them down the street. I think I'll let Ronica start proofreading these first because apparently I'm not as in control of my emotions as I thought. Remembering how my brothers treated me made me shout and wake up Milly. Now the whole house is mad. Meaning Ronica. Milly laughed her ass off.
Mr. Schroeder: You do not speak of your brothers often.
Panic: Nope.
Mr. Schroeder: (silence)
Panic: Is this the part where I volunteer information?
Mr. Schroeder: Yes.
Panic: (loud sigh) I'm not a fan of them and they aren't fans of mine.
Mr. Schroeder: Any particular reason why none of you are fans of one another?

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Cat Holds Women Hostage

Damn it, people. How long are we gonna let angry cats chase us around our own houses? I wrote a story before about a cat using the baby in the house as a scratching post and forcing the family to hide while calling 911 for help (click here for that). Well. its happened again. Two women in San Diego had to call police after their cat, Cuppy, chased them into their bathroom. One of the women called her daughter to tell them what was happening. I dare someone to call me with that message. After five minutes of laughter followed by ten more of light chuckling I would hang up. The police showed up and eventually the cat left on its own. A neighbor said that the cat has been in the family but is unpredictable. Know why? Its a goddamn cat! All animals are unpredictable. Most humans are. You see people who say their dog would never bite someone until they get a new face. Everyone loves their cat until it chases them into the bathroom and they become a news story. I'll be damned if a cat holds me hostage.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Drunk Driving Kid In Wisconsin

In Manitowoc, Wisconsin a 13 year old girl was pulled over by police for drunk driving a little bit before midnight. The car was pulled over because the lights weren't on and police discovered that there were five other kids under the age of 14 in the car. She also failed a field sobriety test. One of them was taking to a juvenile detention center, likely the one that was recently listed as a runaway. I can understand a kid stealing a car. They look cool and go fast. But getting drunk and then inviting five friends, one of whom is a runaway? Yeah but no. I don't think there has ever been a point in my life where I accepted that level of anarchy. I wish that there was more information given but since its a minor there won't be. I know it was her moms car but I want to know where she got the booze and how she gathered that many other kids dumb enough to go along with her plan. “Hey. I'm drunk, got my moms car, and a bad idea.” Sounds like fun! Jackass.  

Granny's Joke Doesn't Go Over Well

How can I sit here and talk about how dumb young folks are for taking pictures of everything and then posting it online and getting in trouble when grannies are doing the same damn thing? Jackie Sheaks of Columbus, Ohio got a little visit from the sheriff's and Child Protective Services after she posted some pictures of her granddaughter in a pan and another one with some duct tape on her pacifier. She thought she was being funny because as we all know there's nothing funnier than mild child abuse. “We're not horrible people that they are making us out to me. It started as just a joke; we put a little tape on the pacifier because we were being silly. We wanted to share it with friends because everybody that knows us, knows we play around like that.” Ha. The law found out after her Facebook friends reported her dumb ass. I love how everyone thinks that every single person on their Facebook page is their friend. Not only should you not be taking pictures of your grandchild being placed in cookware and/or with duct tape on their face, you shouldn't be taking pictures of it, you goddamned weirdo.  

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Johnny Panic: Therapy Champion Of The World Part 1

I got the transcripts, son! So years ago I was ordered by a judge to go to a therapist because he said I had anger issues. This was after the getting high and punching that zebra in Africa incident but before damaging a huge portion of the South Pole for perpetuating the myth that Santa lived there. I went through three of these therapist before I finally found one that stuck it out with me. Of course I later found out that he was planted by the president at the time, George W. Bush. Either way, I went to this guy for over a year and they have just given me the transcripts of what was said during our sessions. This is the first time we met.
Mr. Schroeder: Please have a seat.
Panic: Thanks, dude.
Mr. Schroeder: Mr. Toner, could you please address me by my name. I went to school for too many years to be known as “dude.”
Panic: Well excuse me, Mr. Schroeder. You know for someone who is supposed to be helping me out with my anger issues you sure are one angry fella.
Mr. Schroeder: What makes you think that I'm angry?
Panic: Oh, no you don't. I know this trick. I say something and you guys ask me a question to get me to incriminate myself. 

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

What People Care About This Week: Michael Brown Shooting

Shit is shady in Ferguson, Missouri. An 18 year old kid named Michael Brown that was getting set to head to college was shot and killed in the street by an unnamed police office. On one side, meaning the public, they say that Brown held his hands up when confronted by officers and shot down. On the law side they say that he attacked an officer as he attempted to leave his vehicle and was shot and killed. You can probably guess who I believe. New reports say that the cop who shot Brown has been treated for a swollen face. That's better than being shot, killed, and left in the street.

Brown's friend, 22 year old Dorian Johnson, told his account of what happened since the kid killer is still in hiding. Johnson said the police pulled up and said “Get the fuck on the sidewalk. Not but a minute away from our destination, and we would shortly be out of the street. We were so close, almost inches away, that when he tried to open his door aggressively, the door ricocheted both off me and Big Mike's body and closed back on the officer.” He says the cop grabbed Brown by his neck and Brown tried to get free which, cop or not cop, you grab me by my goddamn neck we have problems.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Breastfeeding Outrage

“Oh, my lord she got her titties out!” the public cried. In a recent issue of Glamour magazine actress Olivia Wilde posed for an image where she is breastfeeding her son, Otis. Ignoring the fact that she gave her son an old Black man's name, people are offended that she had a picture taken of what many people consider to be a very private act. They think that this is something that should not be done in public while on the other side you have some that say that breastfeeding is natural and that when it is done it is nothing but a child being fed. Look. Okay. Look. Alright. Yes, breastfeeding is natural and a lot of women around the world do it. On the other hand breasts are cool and if one is exposed I'm gonna look. When I see a breast the fact that they're made for feeding children is low on my list of thoughts after “Oh, my god a boob!”, “Is she really doing that right now?!”, and “My mother didn't do that because I was an ugly baby.” You can say that I'm immature by thinking that and I'll say “Hello. My name is Dante. This must be the first time we've met.” I'm not even a huge fan of boobs but I'm still gonna look if they're out.

I hear people say that not only is breastfeeding natural, but breasts being exposed isn't even a big deal. In New York folks are running around topless for the right to be topless. Don't know how to tell you this but breasts are looked at sexually and always will be. If not there wouldn't be clothing that accentuated cleavage and such. In some countries going topless has just always been done and to them I say “You would be arrested in America.” There are a lot of things that are natural that if done in public I'm gonna stare at or be horrified. Here's a list.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Want Some?

Normally when I write about teachers its because they just can't keep from banging their students. This time a teacher in Oklahoma made a preemptive strike against sex by showing up in school drunk off her ass and wearing no pants. Lorie Ann Hill showed up for class (no students at the time) wearing just her shirt and some draws. Police were called around 9am to find her now wearing shorts. After searching her car they found a cup that smelled like vodka. They say there wasn't enough evidence to prove that she drove drunk to the school because apparently overnight we shifted to cartoon world where when a teacher shows up for school drunk, pantless, and has a cup that smells of booze that means that there is not enough evidence. “She was found in a room kind of disoriented” said Police Chief Bob Haley. “By the time we got there she was in a room and wearing shorts.” Thank god for small favors. She was arrested on suspicion of public intoxication. When did totally fucking obvious become suspicion? I swear it seems like every time I go to sleep and wake up the world gets a little bit more stutarded. Not enough for me to cash out but enough to make me stop and cock my head to the side and squint.

Bye Bye Penis: Part 2 The Dickening

I recently wrote about a guy that went to an Alabama hospital for a circumcision and ended up having his dick chopped off or amputated as they say in the medical community called Bye Bye Penis. When I read that story I was all kinds of upset for the guy. But now more details are coming out and I was wrong in my defense of the guy. I wish they had chopped his brain out while they were at it. Johnny Lee Banks Jr. you stand accused of being a buffoon. I call shenanigans on both you and your lying ass wife! A judge ruled that Banks and his wife did not have sufficient details regarding their case but could file again in a month or so. The hospital is like “Yeah, good luck with that.”
One of the problems is that Banks and his wife did not provide specific times and dates for when this alleged penis detachment occurred. Me, I'm not all that great with recalling dates but guess which date I would be able to easily tell you. The day my dick got lobbed off!

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Its Just Porn Mama

A 40 year old mother, Chavonda Gallman, called police because her 15 year old son was watching porn. She came home with her other child, a 2 year old, and a client, she does real estate, and when her daughter turned the TV on there was porn. The son was busy in his room not getting to enjoy porn when this all happened. She says that she called 911 because her son has been having behavior problems and because her daughter, the not even a toddler, was exposed to porn. You can throw flaming chairs at a 2 year old. They won’t remember that shit. She just sounds like an asshole mother that doesn't know how to handle a kid. Was he watching 1 Priest 1 Nun or something? Why do you have a channel that has porn? Why can't you talk to your kid without the law man getting involved? I feel for this kid. It is hard to get time alone to jerk it when you're that age. I lived in a house full of people and it just wasn't happening. Sure, I could watch porn but I couldn't paint the walls while doing it. Fuck that. My mother wouldn't have called the cops. I would have to stop from getting my ass kicked though.