Thursday, July 2, 2015

Dante Bitches About Elle Decor

The family pictured above is not the actual family discussed in this post. Dashuh sent me an article from Elle Decor in which a writer by the name of Sarah Scott talked about the pain of having to make a huge sacrifice to have her dream home. I will include parts of her post in this. When I first read it I thought it was a gag article. When Dashuh first sent it I wondered why the comment section was on fire because of a woman talking about what she and her husband had to do to get their dream home. Then I read it and my eyes were rolling so much that it was hard to focus on what I was reading.

By the way, I will say that Dashuh does not support the views expressed in the article because she is a logical human being.

“We built a luxury dream home but can only afford to have two children. Most people do not understand this statement.”

This is very true. Most of us are smart enough to never say that out loud to friends let alone write about it in a widely read magazine (online). I mean, who still reads magazine? What is this? 1998? Also, what is this “luxury” you speak of? Does it come in bacon flavor?

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Conjoined Twins Make More Questions Than Answers

You have some weird ass conversations at 3am. I was with some coworkers and someone brought up the topic of those conjoined twins on TLC which really needs to replace the meaning of the L in their name. I'd seen these two before and heard their story. Their names are Abigail Loraine “Abby” Hensel and Brittany Lee Hensel. They are 25 years old and born connected in what appears to be a terribly uncomfortable position. I couldn't imagine being this close to another human being, but since they were born this way and know no others its different.

Abby (5'2”) and Brittany (4'10”) have two heads (of course), two spines that merge, each control an arm and a leg, one rib cage, two hearts, two stomachs, four lungs, one liver, three kidneys, one vagina, and one b-hole. those last two would bother me. You can be sitting there watching your food intake because you like doing number two just once a day but your other half is shoveling Burger King into her mouth and making you go to the bathroom. Since you have control of one of the arms and legs you can decide to just not walk.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Five Things I Learned Working Customer Service

There are so many different terms for customer service but it all boils down to one thing: no one really wants to do it. I'm talking about working behind a cash register or god forbid having to be on a sales floor helping people make decisions that they should have before they left the house. When you step out of the house wearing your uniform (or for the lucky ones that could leave it at work) you knew that the best part of your day was 8 to 10 hours away.

In this Five Things I Learned Working Customer Service I'm gonna cover all of the different aspects of it that I experienced from two pet stores, a mail room, and a porn shop. I could add the hospital because I had to wear a uniform but I wouldn't really consider washing up vomit or moving corpses as a customer service so much as punishment for crimes in a past life. I mean, seriously. Just how many Native Americans did I kill and how many slaves did I own to receive the life I live?!

Friday, June 26, 2015

I Care When I Want 2

Years ago I made the decision to stop watching the news. I know that a choice like that would make it seem like I am misinformed, stupid, or don't care about world issues. Well, that is mostly true. I try not to care about world issues because when I was younger my hair fell out from stressing about things that did not concern me or I couldn't change. Most of the stuff in the news are things I can't change or just horrible shit.

A few days ago I just left the TV on and the news started with a huge fire, then a murder, then another murder, then a missing teen, then a kidnapping, then a police standoff, then a protest about police doing terrible shit, then a dog was found, then a mountain lion got too close to humans, some robberies, and then some cat that could do a stupid trick. It was a roller coaster of nonsense. What does seeing all that shit do for me? Tell me how dangerous the world is? Yeah, there are riots in some country I'll never visit. Sucks to be there just like it sucks to be here for other reasons. I try not to get into who has it worse contests.

Dante Vs. Nature 53

Stay away from our women! Sorry. Reflex. There is an 18 year old gorilla in Japan that people are saying women are going crazy over and that makes me feel uncomfortable. I guess this is what it must feel like when guys go nuts over the idea of men being attracted to robot women. This gorilla is named Shabani and he lives in the Higashiyama Zoo and Botanical Gardens in Nagoya. You might as well say Mars. That entire sentence was word salad to me.

They say that there are always over one hundred people shouting at the gorilla to get a picture of him. If you can't get to the zoo he also has a Twitter account that I assure you is far more interesting than mine. Born in Australia, moved to the Netherlands, and now residing in Japan he has traveled further than I ever will in my life.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Sunny With A Chance Of Boners

Back when I was a kid I used to watch the weather reports with this guy known as Dr. George. His actual name was George Fischbeck but he was known by the other. People say the weather never changes in Los Angeles and while that is mostly true when I was a kid it seemed to change more often. We had more rain, more thunder storms, and hail. It doesn't hail anymore which I'm sure my Grandmama would be grateful for since she thought it was bad luck.

I assumed that Dr. George died back in the 90's or something but when looking up an image for him to write this I found out that he died this past March at the age of 92. He was a type of weatherman that is not around as much anymore meaning old and a man. Today the weather forecasters are women that wear very little or the same older guys from when I was a kid.

Friday, June 19, 2015

A Word About The Charleston Church Shooting

This is going to be different from other blogs I post. This is about a topic that is in the news but I won't be using any names. Once the names of all the victims are released I'll do that, but as for the shooter, his name will not be mentioned in this post. Earlier today (yesterday as of this posting) a 21 year old kid shot and killed nine people in church. It is said that it was done because of their race. That is easy to believe when you know that the kid was not a fan of Black people which all the victims were and he is White and is all about racial supremacy.

(names added) Cynthia Hurd, 54; Susie Jackson, 87; Ethel Lance, 70; Rev. DePayne Middleton-Doctor, 49; Hon. Rev. Clementa Pinckney, 41; Tywanza Sanders, 26; Rev. Daniel Simmons Sr., 74; Rev. Sharonda Singleton, 45; Myra Thompson, 59.

This attack is being labeled a hate crime as well as a terrorist attack. I don't like that. I don't like either of those terms for various reasons. When you say hate crime it marginalizes it. It means this against that. This race versus that one. It makes people look at those that are the same skin color of the attacker angry at people who've done nothing to them. Race crimes get explanations attached to them that eventually lose their edge. This isn't all about a race. Its about one idiot and his skewed perception of reality.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Prison Employee Helps Inmates Escape

The story about that prison employee helping those two convicts escape keeps getting stranger. Joyce Mitchell worked at the Clinton Correctional Facility teaching prisoners how to sew and fix sewing machines. Joyce got them hacksaw blades, some chisels, a punch (not sure what that is), and a screwdriver. She has pleaded not guilty and has been suspended from her job with no pay. She also was in talks with the escapees to kill her husband. She was supposed to be the getaway driver but got a case of the guilties and decided that she still loved her husband. But she still gave the guys a way to escape so they did.

The guys that she helped escape were no simple drug dealers or bank robbers. David Sweat, 35, was doing life without parole for killing a sheriff's deputy. Richard Matt, 48, was doing 25 to life for kidnapping, torturing, and dismembering his former boss. Authorities say that the guys cut through the backs of their cells, through a brick wall, and then got through a steam pipe before emerging from a manhole. They would use the tools and replace them after working each night.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Random Information

Sonic the Hedgehog is the only character that I can draw from memory.

I could read at age 3.

I did not learn to tie my shoes until I was about 9.

When I was 6 I could palm a basketball.

After two weeks I the 4th grade I was skipped to the 5th grade.

Then kept in the 5th grade because it was “unfair” to the kids we left behind.

As a child I wanted to be a boxer to impress my father.

Then a heart surgeon.

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Relationship Advice

Cosmo is a site that I go to when I am finished ironing all my clothes, cleaning my apartment, getting my pubes on fleek, and doing everything else a grown ass man should be doing. There is this guy on there that answers relationship question that folks send in named Logan Hill that I've bitched about before because he tends to take a while to answer a simple question. I'm gonna do the same thing again where I take what someone asked and put his reply and then mine. I'll be shortening his replies because fuck all that. Its my blog.

Question: My boyfriend is a terrible sleeper. He tosses and turns all night, and he claims that he sleeps worse when I am there. Because of this, he only invites me to stay over on the two nights a week that he doesn't have to get up for work in the morning so we can sleep in. I hate leaving him to go home when it's a work night. It makes me wonder how we will ever eventually live together or get married if he hates sharing a bed so much. Is this normal?

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Best of Black Prophet Volume 2

Here is volume two of the highly offensive Black Prophet rants. Its a lot of fun for me to go back and listen to these shows because I can remember the nervousness I felt when I would be going live. 

Sometimes I didn't know who was in studio and it would be someone I was a fan of and it was my new mission to not shit the bed or laugh when they said something. It got harder to keep a straight face because I would laugh at the show as a fan but had to stay angry as BP. Remember, this was a character. If I talked and behaved like this guy in real life I wouldn't have 95% of the friends I do. While editing this I would forget to trim the clip and just sit here listening to half an hour of the episode and laughing. Click here to download these episodes.

Carl's Jr Last Meal Burger

I saw a commercial for Carl Jr's. new All American Thickburger and was grossed out imagining people eating it in public. It contains a beef, hotdogs, kettle chips, and cheese. Now I thought that Domino's new hotdog in the crust pizza with a side of mustard was bad, but this is on a whole...'nother...level. You couldn't eat this and do anything afterward. You don't chow down on this and get back to work after a lunch break. You don't eat this on a date. Why? Because you'll be peeing out of your butt half an hour later. If you made this yourself at home it'd be better because whatever they do to burger meat at restaurants it causes bowels to loss their structural integrity like the Enterprise's shield. And the chick in the commercial probably cleaned her hand with fire after filming this. She ain't ever eat this thing in her life!  

Monday, June 15, 2015

Stupid Flakka User & Horse Bangery

Some people just need to be pulled aside and spoken to by Jesus or someone that is concerned about their mental well-being. This 19 year old chick from Florida, of course, named Daneshia Heller was arrested after making a call to cops. I know that sounds crazy but give me a moment. She called police because she wanted to buy some weed and gave a dealer $5 and he never came back with the drugs. When police showed up they found a bag of white substance on her. Turns out she had some flakka on her which is a crazy ass new drug that I've written about before. She was charged with misusing 911 and drug possession. 

She had been arrested in the past for violating the terms of a bond for a battery charge in the past. When I went looking for an image of her I saw about three different images of her. That is never a good sign. At the moment she is still looked up with no bond. You'd have to already be high to call cops because when you are calling them because you made an illegal drug transaction and got ripped off you just have to take that loss and hope for better luck next time. And why have an even more dangerous drug on you when waiting for the cops?! Its like drinking beer in the drivers seat while reporting that you were involved in a hit and run.

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Rachel Dolezal Catfishes Reality

Here's a Black woman wearing a green shirt! This Rachel Dolezal story is everywhere and is entertaining as all hell. I know that this is a serious issue and whatnot, but, come on. This is the plot out of an 80's film. Soul Man to be exact. Yeah. Google that shit and you will laugh, be offended, share it with a friend, then forget you learned about it from me. Selfish bastard. 37 year old Rachel has been outed as a White woman that has been passing herself off as Black for about seven years. She released a statement saying she will make a statement. Yeah. That's a thing that folks do now.

She says she was born in a teepee in Montana and lived in South Africa where her parents hit her and her siblings using a whip used to chase baboons. “They were pretty similar to what was used as whips during slavery.” I just heard someone say “...the fuck?” She says she was raped. Also, an ex husband used to beat her and her son. No reports of any of this is anywhere to be found. She claimed one of her adopted brothers as her son.

While You Were Sleeping: Kalief Browder Suicide

Last week 23 year old Kalief Browder of New York committed suicide after mental issues caused by his time spent in solitary confinement. Honestly, I had never heard of this guy or his story. I'd heard some like it but not his in particular. When he was 16 years old he was arrested for allegedly stealing a backpack. He never stood trial and was never found guilty but he was sent to Rikers Island for three years. His family could not afford the $10,000 in bail (some say it was $3,000) so he stayed in prison for three years.

He was beaten by the police, other inmates and while there (which there was footage of) Browder spent over 400 days in solitary confinement. He tried to kill himself a few times while there.In 2014 Mayor Bill de Blasio used Browder's case as an example of the broken system and declared that they would clear backlogs in courts and reduce the amount of inmates. After being released Browder earned his GED and started going to community college but still had trouble living a normal life.