Dante's Globophobia (Fear Of Ballons)

I was talking to a friend a few months back and we got on the topic of balloons and OCD's (obsessive compulsive disorders). I'm not sure how we got there but we did. And what was weird about this conversation is that we both realized that we hated balloons. I really hate balloons. They are unpredictable and things that are unpredictable can not be trusted. I searched and there is a name for fear of balloons. Its called Globophobia.

“Globophobia is the fear of balloons. Most people who suffer from globophobia usually have phonophobia as well, which is a fear of loud, sudden noises. Globophobics tend to avoid parties and special occasions such as funerals, birthday parties, weddings, or any other festivities that may involve balloons as decorations. Globophobia is not as common as other phobias, but is still experienced by many. Generally, globophobics will refuse to touch, feel, or go near a balloon for fear it will pop. Globophobics tend not to trust people who have a balloon in their hand or anywhere near them, especially children. Some globophobics are fearful of going out because they feel scared/anxious that there will be a balloon around the corner.”

There are a few things about this definition that is funny to me. Funeral balloons? I have been to three funerals and I can't recall any balloons. Perhaps there were some but I fail to recall them seeing as how dead family were my main focus. And the fear that a balloon is gonna just be waiting for me around the corner trying to ruin my day. And fear may be too strong of a weird.

I hate balloons.

At any moment the damned things can just pop with no warning. If I'm around balloons I won't run away but I will stare at them waiting for something stupid to happen. If you put one in my face thinking its funny to watch me squint I'll likely hit you because you're being a dick. Let me talk about that for a moment.

I have friends that have things that bug them, they are afraid of, or makes them sick. I avoid doing these things or warn them about them. I have a friend that is terrified of cockroaches. So if we are hanging out and I see one before she does I'll move her away or shove her like I did the last time we hung out. What I won't do is show her pictures of them or point them out to her.

The earliest memory I have of looking at a balloon and thinking “I don't like where this is going...” was when I was at a cousin's birthday party when I was 5. She was turning 6 and there were a bunch of kids. There was this one boy who was squeezing a balloon like it owed him money. I moved away from him. Minutes later he's running around popping every balloon he could get his hands on. You may say I have issues but this kid had a subscription.

As I am writing this all out I'm starting to think that my dislike of balloons may be connected somehow with my dislike of having happy birthday sang at me. I will cringe like a son of a bitch if that song is sung at me or not even bring up the fact that it's my birthday. To me hearing it over the phone just makes me uncomfortable. Singing it at me in person makes me hiss and scratch like a cat with a squirt bottle.

Don't bring balloons around me. Its not cool.