Dante Saves You: Violent Game Show Edition

I believe that within the next five years that we will be at a point as a society where we will be totally fine with people being murdered on live television. Right now if you wanna see folks get killed you can easily find it on the internet and seeing as how the internet is becoming TV for many, like me, murder live will be a thing.

I have found four movies where people are killed for the enjoyment of the public in this Dante Saves You: Violent Game Show Edition. No matter who your enemy is by the time you're finished reading this you will be a winner. No. A champion! Because I don't train losers, you limp-dicked freak! Oh, you're a women? Too bad, Susie! Get your lady dick out there! Its go time!

So You're In The Hunger Games

So there's this game that the evil government has where you put your name into a ballot and they draw your name and pick a boy and girl from your broke ass village and the other districts. Your younger sibling gets picked even though you've been putting your name in the ballot every other week for food which is total bullshit and unfair. You take your sibling's place and the next thing you know you're eating good food, training to kill, and its all being televised. Yay, you! Right?

Solution

Once you've finished filling your fat face with food you've never had before and getting to use a toilet with running water which you've ever done and experiencing first world diarrhea which you've also never experienced its time to fight a bunch of other people you have never met. Now, you can spend the whole game hiding in a tree and napping or you can give the people what they want and slaughter your fellow man. Or you can take the third option like I would and make the shit fun. Trip people into a hornet nest. Put hallucinogenic drugs into their water bottles and watch them fight their ancestors. You will be the funniest competitor to ever play the games! That means more sponsors which means more prizes which equals a better chance for you to win the game. Done.

So You're In Battle Royale

You and a bunch of other students wake up on an island in a classroom where a lunatic tells you that there is no escape until there's one of you left. Not only that, if you try to escape the collar that they've put around your neck will blow your head clean off if you try and get away. There seems to be no way that you're gonna get out of this alive. If you're a quitting quitter who quits!

Solution

You know all them issues that you have pent up inside of you that you take medicine, therapy, and long walks to not think about? Throw it all out of the window! This is gonna probably be the one time in your life where you get to act as crazy as you want. Worst case scenario, you die. Best case you kill a bunch of people you didn't know anyway. Its like joining the army for a few days instead of four years!

So You're In Series 7 The Contenders

There's a game where in any random town or city five contestants are picked by using your social security number. After your number is picked a camera crew shows up, hands you a gun, and it is game time. The cameras follow you everywhere you go as you have to kill the other players in the game. But you're not really a winner unless you do it and win three times because only then will your name never be called again.

Solution

If you can't bring yourself to kill a few random people who are trying to kill you I would suggest killing the camera crew and getting the hell out of town. Change your identity and become a whole new human. Or if you wanna be a sneaky bastard you can gather all the people playing the game and trick them into believing that you are giving up. They will all show up and kill each other or if they are dumb enough to believe your lie you can pick them all off yourself, you murderous asshole. Either way you are alive. Winner!

So You're In Running Man

Well...shit. You get framed for multiple murders and placed in this crazy ass game show hosted by the guy from Family Feud. You gotta fight a bunch of characters that have weapons that you don't like lightning, fire, and razor blade hockey sticks. Its bullshit and unfair but you don't have time to sit around crying like a little bitch. These guys don't care about your feelings and neither do the audience members and people watching at home. They wanna see blood. This show is like American Gladiators on meth which is just a short distance from the actual show where steroids were used like a new inmate with no teeth and bad self defense skills.

Solution

Each one of the guys you have to fight are stupid. Strong, but stupid. The guy that uses electricity has water nearby. The fire dude is surrounded by gasoline. The ice guy has...ice. They're pretty much just asking to die. Just kill them in the most obvious ways possible and then go after the asshole host. This takes place in about three years so its not like we're gonna be all that damned different than we are now. No need to be worried if he has some magic powers. Well, I guess if the ability to be able to drunkenly host a show for years and make out with guys wives right in front of them is a magic power than he possesses it. Either way, slap him into a pod, shoot him at a billboard, and have the sex with a hot 80's version of Maria Conchita Alonso.

Mmm...Conchita.

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