What The Hell Is Kwanzaa?!

Ever since I was little I have heard about Kwanzaa and never celebrated it. Even when everyone was in that crazy Spike Lee induced Malcolm X phase no one I knew was trying to celebrate Kwanzaa. It wasn't until today when a guy at Best Buy wished me a happy Kwanzaa that I thought “What the hell is Kwanzaa?” The fact that it doesn't have to be spell checked means its a real thing.

Someone named Maulana Karenga created this holiday back in 1965. It was created as a way for African Americans to celebrate their own holiday and get in touch with African roots. The word Kwanzaa comes from Swahili “matunda ya kawanza” which means “first fruits of the harvest.” I guess. Meditation and the stufdy of African sultures was also a thing that was to be done and was called Nguzo Saba which are the seven principles of African heritage.

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 3

Click here for previous Rehab.

I sit staring at Mr. W. Scott. I can't believe he just stood up for me the way he did. No one has ever done that before. Well, his daughter did earlier so I guess that counts. I'm gonna love being a part of their family. Their so...righteous.

“Remove that look from your face” Mr. W. Scott says. I do. “Now.” I thought I did. “Do not believe for a moment that I was defending you from your father. I was not. I defended me and my facility. I will not have a man with an obvious drug addiction insult my good name.”

“My dad isn't on drugs” I say far more defensively than I intended.

“This is one of the problems with most of society. I say 'drugs' and you think marijuana, heroin, or cocaine. Recreational drugs.” He flips the clipboard over. “Cymbalta replaced Abilify which replaced Lexapro which replaced Paxil which began with Prozac.”

“Shit.”

“All drugs, Mr. Thompson” he told me. “Others would say that you have inherited your addictions from your father and even his father. Genetic, they say. You have the alcoholism gene.” Mr. W. Scott looks up from his clipboard and at me. “But that is nonsense. They are excuses for you and thousands like you have as a way to not cope with the fact that you are weak.”

Happy Holidays From Doom Mates!

Dante's 2014

This is my 2014 in video form using pictures of the places I went, the friends I saw, the stuff I made, and the food I ate.
 

While You Were Sleeping: #IAmJada

There is a 16 year old girl named Jada of Houston, Texas. She went to a party with her friend where she was offered a drink. After consuming it she passed out and missed the rest of the party. She had no idea what happened during this time until the photos started appearing. The pictures featured her half naked and passed out on the floor after being sexually assaulted. These weren't pictures being used to report the crime, but to mock her with the hashtag #jadapose.

Many people started posting themselves online doing this pose and thinking that it was funny. Back in July Jada finally came out and spoke for herself saying “There's no point in hiding. Everybody has already seen my face and my body, but that's not what I am and who I am.”

Five Things I Learned From The Friend Zone

My name is Dante and I'm the mayor of the friend zone. I had a conversation with a friend about relationships recently and asked a question about any consistencies regarding how each of them ended. What I mean by this was whether or not the same problems kept coming up. The two that I'd experienced were either the fact that I was not emotional when they felt I should be or the fact that I had many female friends. The female friends thing has always bothered me because its not like I hide it. When I say I spoke to or hung out with someone it is almost always a girl name. And unless you're a manwhore (those were the days...) for the most part you are friends with the opposite sex. Permanently.

The friend zone is one of those things that can be a blessing, a curse, or neither. I'll try and explain it further in this Five Things I Learned From The Friend Zone. Some of this stuff may upset you but this is all just things I learned from personal experience. What you do and have done in the friend zone is all yours to deal with. Have fun.

"Goldbrick" by Dante Ross Part 3 of 3

Click here for previous Goldbrick.

35 walked among the promenade watching all of humanity summed up within a half mile radius. There were rich, poor, loved, hated, lonely, popular, good, and bad. For a moment 35 wondered what they thought of him.

It does not matter.

“I know” 35 said. “Have you ever heard of the Kansas City Shuffle?”

“What?” a beautiful woman said as he passed her by. “What did you say to me?”

“No...nothing” 35 said. A large man appeared behind 35. 35 did not need to turn around to see the man. 35 was aware of everything on such a small planet like Earth. He was told before arriving that it was 1/35th the size of where he was from. “I was talking to someone else.”

Gollum Vs Batman Rap Battle

This time its Gollum versus Batman in a terrible rap battle! Click here for Buffalo Bill versus Bane.
 

Five Things I Learned Dealing With Insomnia

Ever since I was a kid I've never slept well. I would eventually fall asleep to the sound of my brothers either talking on the phone or watching TV and wake up at the ass crack of dawn when my father would for work. Let's just say from 11pm until 4am (KFWB!!! News 98!!!). That was normal to me until I got older and friends would talk about falling asleep at 10pm and waking up at 8am. That just sounded ridiculous to me. Who needs that much sleep?!

As I have gotten older my sleep has not gotten any better and there have been times where I've had full blown insomnia. I'm not talking about a day or two of not sleeping. I'm taking about days, weeks, and at the worse 30 straight days of living in my own personal Zombieland. In this Five Things I Learned Dealing With Insomnia I'll talk about some of the things I learned during these times. I once looked up hypomania and it sounded like some shit I was going through. Click here to check that out.

Sleep Is For The Weak

There comes a point where I would just accept that I was not going to fall asleep. After a few days of this I would eventually say to myself “Screw sleeping! I'm getting some much more done. Plus, I don't even feel tired!” I would go to work and laugh at those that were sleepy or showed up late because they overslept. Why weren't more people just not sleeping? It was awesome!

While You Were Sleeping: Tamir Rice Shooting

There was another shooting and death of a young Black a few weeks ago. For some reason this one didn't get as much attention as others. 12 year old Tamir Rice was shot and killed in Cleveland, Ohio by a cop. This is all on video so I think people need to stop asking for cameras on police thinking it is gonna stop them from killing people. Eric Garner was choked and died on crystal clear footage in broad daylight by New York police and that guy wasn't even indicted.

That's for another post. Back to this story.

Officer Timothy Loehmann, who is 26 years old, responded to a call of someone with a gun. This is all on tape. He showed up, the kid reached for his fake gun, and was shot and killed. When seeing the video I said to myself two things. “Wow! That cop didn't wait for his car to stop moving!” and “Why the hell was that kid waving a fake gun around?!”

Everyone Wants You To Feel Bad

I made the mistake of watching the news earlier today. There were concerns about flash floods, mudslides, and deaths because of the rain. Mind you, I live in Los Angeles, and we have been experiencing a drought for quite some time. This weather was needed yet there are people already complaining because the ground is wet. What I find odd is the surprise people have when their homes flood in areas where homes flood almost every year and mudslides and fires occur in the same spots. We actually have a “fire season” here.

Then there are the news stories about people being murdered. Cant forget those. Then the kidnappings, the rapes, the robberies, the sexual assaults. Next we head overseas where people have been fighting the same wars for decades if not hundreds of years. Diseases ravaging countries.

But then you look outside and everything is fine.

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 2

Click here for previous Rehab.

I check myself in the mirror before going to meet whoever it is that is paying me a visit. Knowing Mr. W. Scott its Sad Sack waiting to pounce on me. I wish my father had taught me to fight. Any fight I've ever been in ended because of bodily fluids. Mine. Not theirs.

I head down the hallway and two guards appear next to me. I'll call them Thing 1 and Thing 2. Thing 1 is a large Mexican man that has his arms covered in tattoos. Thing 2 is a large Black guy that smells like cigarette smoke. Neither of them talk to me so I take it upon myself to break the ice.

“Are you two related?” I ask. They don't reply so I continue. “Do you know who I'm going to meet? I do hope that whoever it is they brought candy. Or whiskey. I'd do anything for a shot of whiskey. Anything. You hear me, brother?” I nudge Thing 2 and both of them hook me under my arms and drag me. “Wheee!” They take me to a room that has two chairs, no windows, and a table. It looks like an interrogation room. They shove me inside and lock the door. “Do I tip you guys?”

I sit down in one of the chairs and drum on the table. Not voluntarily. My hands are shaking uncontrollably. After what feels like half an hour Mr. W. Scott enters the room. He looks at my hands and checks something off on his clipboard.

“Stand” he says. I do. “Someone is here to see you. As they speak to you I will be nearby. If there is any violence, verbal or physical, I shall intervene at my discretion. Any violence on your part will result in your immediate expulsion from this facility. Is this understood?” I nod. “Bring him in.”

"Solus Ipse" Part 5

The Jake's arrived at the newsstand and silently gave each other high fives for getting the Fairplay case. Jake Y. looked at the dead cashier and almost gagged for a moment when he got a good glimpse of the ink pen sticking out of his neck. Jake S. stood around not knowing where to begin. Jake R. saw what was quickly happening.

Excitement overload.

The Jake's had not been a part of a case this big in over a year. Jake R. pulled everyone together and motioned with his head for the area to be cordoned off. More officers arrived and began moving lookie-loo's and gathering potential witnesses. Jake Y. swallowed his vomit and smiled.

“This is so bad ass” he said. “Am I right?”

“You are so right its not even fucking funny” Jake S. said. “Donovan and Pritchard are gonna be so fucking pissed when they find out we got the case now.”

“They seriously will” Jake R. said. His phone rang and he snatched it up. “Hello? Yeah. Yeah. Ha! You wish! No, this is our case now, sweetie. Aw, you and your boyfriend mad at us? Too bad.” Jake S. snatched the phone away from Jake R. and continued talking.

“Hey, Donovan!” he shouted. “We can't believe you let this Fairplay fucker kill someone else! And what's even better is that we got it on tape! Yeah. Cameras behind the counter so we know who we're looking for. You don't even need to come to our crime scene. What?” Jake R. took his phone back. 

Kids These Days 48

A 17 year old teenager in Maryland is in trouble for giving his teacher a pot brownie. He decided that school was just too rough and was eating it in class when his teacher asked for some. That's weird. So he gives her some and she started feeling ill meaning great. She went to the nurses office and then told police that she suspected that she may have been given a pot brownie. The kid was charged with administering a dangerous substance, as well as reckless endangerment. Jesus. Its just pot. 

Besides the kid being a jackass for eating a pot brownie in class, I wonder why the teacher asked a student for what they were eating. These damned teachers are getting too comfy with kids besides the whole having sex with them stuff. I've never had a teacher that would've seen me eating some Crunch Tators and asked for a few. And if I did I would've said no. Mostly because I was a stingy asshole. 

Click here for previous Kids These Days.  

Crap Chronicles IV

If they gave out badges for oversharing I'd get it. I hate public restrooms. I find it hard to use them for number one's let alone number two's. But this series of stories is about number two's and I swore I'd written about this before but I can't find it. This story involves Little Tokyo, video game awards, and a porta-potty.

KP and I had tickets to the Spike TV Video Game Awards and I was going to meet him at his place and then we'd hop on the subway to downtown L.A. I headed to his house and he wasn't waiting outside like we'd planned. Someone that lived in his building opened the door and I came in criminal style and went to his place. I'd been there once before when we filmed a movie. I hear a TV on inside and knock and no one answers. I wait a minute and repeat this. I get mad and head outside and wait some more and it looks like its gonna rain.

Fuck it.

"1 22 2377"

Note: This is a short story I did a few years back and am posting it again after some editing and such. I like finding these because if I can get back into the right frame of mind I can finish stories like these up. Hope you enjoy it. Hell. Hope I enjoy it. I haven't read it in years.

THE DATE IS JANUARY 2ND , 2377. GOOD MORNING!

Die.

Fucking alarm clock. I sit up in bed and stare at it for about ten minutes until my eyes begin to cross. A small robot that looks to be a cross between a cricket and a bear slides across the floor. A smooth, white material that was not invented until about 200 years from when I should have died by natural causes. This little abomination stops at my feet and stares at me with its unblinking, soulless eyes. These things can smile. I didn't like that so I disabled its mouth. Now everything it says comes out slightly muffled and low.

“good morning, rod” it chirps/sings at me. “what are your plans for the day?”

I didn't like when my ex-wife asked me that question and I don't like baby machines doing it. Fucking future. Its nothing like it was supposed to be. I stand and kick at this thing and it moves. I end up kicking a small metal table next to my bed instead. I cut my big toe and the robots panic.

Girl Gets Revenge On Bully...I Guess

There's been a story making its way around the internets about a young 22 year old chick named Louisa Manning from Cambridgeshire which its safe to assume is in England or something. She got revenge against a guy that used to bully her when she was in junior high. For those that don't know, junior high is where you learn to be an asshole. Its the training ground for figuring out what kind of human you will eventually become in terms of personality. I can't think of someone I thought was a terrible human between the ages of 11 and 14 that became an incredibly nice person.

So Louisa is out and a guy likes what he sees. He talks to her and asks her out to dinner. So the day comes and she stands him up. Instead she has a letter that the waiter delivers to the guy. This is what the letter said to him. She also posted it on her Facebook page.

“Hey, so sorry I can't join you tonight. Remember year 8, when I was fat and you made fun of my weight? No? I do – I spent the following three years eating less than an apple a day. So I've decided to skip dinner. Remember the monobrow you mocked? The hairy legs you were disgusted by? Remember how every day for three years, you and your friends called me Manbeast? No perhaps you don't – or you wouldn't have seen how I look eight years later and deemed me fuckable enough to treat me like a human being. I thought I'd send you this as a reminder. Next time you think of me, picture that girl in this photo, because she's the one who just stood you up. - Louisa.”

Five Things I Learned From Relationships

It seems like lately I have been talking more about relationships than I normally do. I know people that are engaged, married, single, wanting to date, wanting to date but know they are too fucked up to, and people that wish they were single. Me, I am single and not only know that I'm too fucked up to date but the longer I stay single (its been over a year since I got some stank on my hang low and moments since I lost a friend because of this sentence) the more I realize how hard it is to date another person.

I've written blogs about why I am single (click here for those) but this time I'm gonna write about the Five Things I Learned From Relationships. There will be some good and some bad. Mostly bad. Because I'm a dick. Deal with it.

You Gotta Be Friends

I have said this so many times to people. I have known people in relationships where if they weren't having sex with one another they wouldn't even be talking to each other. Even if you like someone I think you should wait a few months before doing the horizontal mambo. Why? Because assholes are really good at hiding it sometimes! There is nothing worse than finding out someone is a dick (this goes for women, too) after you've already slept with them.

Teacher Makes Kid Clean Toilet With Bare Hands

I've done a story like this before where a teacher took the limits of being an asshole to a new level. In Othello, Washington a teacher named Brent Taylor made a student stick his bare hands into a toilet to clear out toilet paper. What the shit is this fuck? When the 8 year old boy was asked to unclog the toilet, which he actually attempted!, the teacher ended up doing it himself with his own bare hands. Ew! The boys parents were understandably upset that this happened.

The teacher was told to not do this again by the superintendent George Juarez. “The child had flushed the toilet several times, and it didn't go down. I am sure that the best judgment would have been to call our custodian to handle the matter.” The teacher was ordered to review hygiene techniques meaning absolutely nothing happened to him. The child was given permission to transfer to another school. I'm not sure if kids today are dumber than me or nicer because if you even suggested I clean a toilet, even my own that was just cleaned, I'd tell you to go fuck your elbow and get suspended.  

5 Regrettable Styles Of The 90's

Oh, the 90's. That shit was weird. Particularly the styles of clothing. I used a picture of the Spice Girls because they were very stylish for the time and also because Scary Spice is hot as fuck. My little sister loved that group and while I hated their music I loved looking at a couple of them.

I decided to look at some of the styles from back when I was a teenager and also issue a warning to society: don't bring this shit back! There has already been a flood of fashion from back then that has been making a comeback and it is horrifying to see what was bad then creeping into the present. Its 2014. Where are my metal pants?! I mean, I like some of the styles my parents wore but I'm not gonna be wearing bell-bottoms.

Black Simpsons. This was a real thing that existed. If you were going down Crenshaw Blvd. or at the local Swap Meet (Slauson or Western take your pick) and you would see bootleg shirts all over the place. You would see the Simpson's with brown skin playing basketball, smoking weed, and even Bart with dreads. 

The shit was weird and I'd be lying if I didn't say I got caught up in it. I wore these cheap ass shirts with pride because everyone else had them. Yes, kids. There was a time when wearing bootleg shirts that everyone knew were bootleg was perfectly fine. But not, like, fake Cross Colors like that one girl wore. Jesus. Over 20 years later and I still remember her. You couldn't pull this shit today. These would be yanked off the shelf within one week by a gaggle of angry lawyers. They would be sued by Nike, The Simpsons, and maybe even N.W.A.

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 1

Click here for Season 1 of Rehab.

You ever hear the phrase “Don't stick your dick in crazy”? Well, I'm one of those people that like to stick their dick in whatever you say I shouldn't. Oh, its been a while and I should probably introduce myself. My name is Alan Thompson and I'm an alcoholic.

Say hi.

Allow me to introduce you to everyone I've met so far in this lovely facility. Oh, and how lovely it is. Whatever your addiction is it will be cured with the help of our lovely facilitator, Mr. W. Scott. There's also his daughter Carol aka Softy. I don't know why she is here but I love her and want to marry her. So far she and her dad are two of the three people that have assaulted me in the last half hour since you and I last spoke.

Man Throw McChicken At Pregnant Wife

Hey kids. Look at this. This guy here is what we call a “loser.” Some may think being a loser has to do with you job status, money situations, or physical appearance. Nope. Sometimes you can just be an idiot that does idiotic things and make bad decisions. Like 21 year old Marvin Tramaine Hill of Des Moines, Iowa. Before he and his pregnant wife headed to an ultrasound for their upcoming baby (they already have a 2 year old which is a whole 'nother thing for me to bitch about) she got him a McChicken sandwich. Marvin don't like McChicken sandwiches so instead not eating it, he threw it at her.

Fast forward to Marvin being arrested for domestic assault and locked up without bond. Marvin admitted to throwing the sandwich at her because he doesn't like them. His wife, Elle Hill, said that he smashed the bun into her face because if you're gonna be an asshole you go full tilt asshole. The fact that he is 21 with two kids and throwing food at his wife bugs the shit out of me. I want someone to kick him in the dick parts so he never has kids again. And his wife leaves him. What a jackass. 

Buffalo Bill Vs Bane Rap Battle

So I made Buffalo Bill rap against Bane and this is the result. Slap an image, load it on Youtube, and there ya go.

The Seals Are Raping The Penguins!

I keep on seeing words like “unique” and “strange occurrence” in regards to a seal fucking a penguin. Now, this sounds like the beginning of a terrible joke. But this shit is real and it is happening around the world. Scientists are surprised by just how much of this inter-species sex is going on. They first found out about it in 2006 and didn't think it would still be happening.

Sadly, I would have thought the same thing. No way in hell you'd catch a seal fucking a penguin twice. Wrong. 

Not only is this happening on the regular, but it is a learned thing. Baby seal sees daddy seal banging a penguin because he is horny and next thing you know son seal grows up thinking that shit is cool.

Well, its not.

Its not just bad enough that a creature four to five times your size wants to have sex with you (ladies out there know what I'm talkin' about) but sometimes for funsies they even eat them afterward. Could you imagine fucking your food and then eating it? I mean, I love a burger as much as the next man but I'm not gonna fuck a cow then cook it.

"Solus Ipse" Part 4

Click here for previous Solus Ipse.

Captain Lowes called a meeting as soon as Pritchard and Donovan arrived. They all met in what has become known as “The Pit.” Its like any other room where police meet to discuss cases. It became known as “The Pit” after an infamous fight in which Captain Lowes had to wrestle an angry parent to the ground during a field trip for children at the station.

Lowes waited until everyone was seated and motioned for the lights to be turned off. He pressed a button from a remote in his hand. Multiple images of the Fairplay Killer's victims lit the screen. Donovan could feel Pritchard tense.

“Fifteen victims” Lowes began. “In two months this killer has sliced, diced, and maimed fifteen people in our city. Thanks to some fine work by Luis and Megan we have discovered that we are now looking for a White male. Between the age of 20 and 30. Height, weight, unknown. But it's a damn start. You got any questions, leads, or want to blame someone for your erectile dysfunction call Pritchard and Donovan. But be careful. Pritchard has a mean left hook.” Everyone laughed and began clearing the room. “I need to see you two in my office.”

“Yes, dad” Donovan said under her breath. They quickly followed Lowes into his office and sat down.

“Good job, Pritch” Lowes said. Pritchard was about to defend himself until what was just said sunk in.

“Wait, what?” he asked. 

"Solus Ipse" Part 3

Click here for previous Solus Ipse.

Captain Lowes sat at his desk looking over the photos that had been taken of every victim of the Fairplay Killings. In all of the years he had been a lawman he had never seen anything like this. Sure, he had seen guys kill more victims than this. Fifteen was high but not unheard of. But the fact that there was absolutely no pattern concerned him more than anything. Plenty of fingerprints that led nowhere. He looked at a photo of one of the first victims.

An older Black female. He throat, abdomen, and ankles had been sliced almost to the bone. There was almost a riot after she had been killed. Lowes hated how racial his line of work could be most of the time because racial quickly became political. And when it became political depending on the race of the mayor, Black right now, the pressure was on for him to move faster.

Once the media figures out that the small kid laying in a cooler downstairs was the same one he had promised to save the mayor would serve his ass on a platter for the city. He would not be surprised to see some show up with torches and pitchforks. He picked up his phone and made a call to someone he hated to call. His brother in the FBI. 

Woman Stabs Boyfriend For Eating Thanksgiving Dinner Without Her

Damn. Some folks take Thanksgiving more seriously than others. Jack-Lyn Blake of Pennsylvania who is 47 years old and too goddamn old to be acting this silly stabbed her 45 year old boyfriend Benjamin Smith in the chest after he started eating dinner without her. I could spend an entire blog just breaking down her silly ass name. Jack-Lyn? Really? Hey, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dawn-Tay. Weirdo.

So the story goes that Benjamin and Jack-Lyn got into an argument earlier in the day because you can't really call it a holiday if there isn't a fight. Jack-Lyn needed a little nappy poo after getting wasted and when she woke up she discovered Benjamin balls deep in turkey and stuffing. She charged him, chasing him around the dinner table while Benny Hill's theme played in the background (in my head), and eventually caught him. Then it became stab time. Police were called and when they arrived Jack-Lyn came out saying “I stabbed him” because she has never watched TV and on TV they tell you to never admit guilt.

Kids These Days 47

Its stories like this that make me happy that I'm not a kid these days. A mother named Andrea Stumpf called the cops on her 9 year old daughter and had her arrested and charged with battery after she hit her 6 year old sister in the head. When police arrived she, the mother, showed video footage she took of the incident to police instead of, say, stopping it from happening because fuck intervening. After seeing the footage the police arrested the kid.

Now.

If a kid was arrested for fighting their siblings in my house me and all my brothers would've been thrown in jail and I would have been tried for putting my sister in the Texas Cloverleaf. I am not going to guess what kind of parent this lady is. No father was mentioned so there's that. But why would you stand there and film your child getting hit by anyone? Why get the police involved unless the kid was just one of the asshole kids that have always existed and born bad? Don't act like they don't exist. We all knew a few growing up. I would never be able to live with or forgive one of my parents if they called the cops on me.

Click here for previous Kids These Days.

Dante Vs. Nature 47

I was looking around online and came across a creature I didn't know existed. I know there are thousands and thousands of weird animals and insects and fish on this planet. Just a veritable mixture of bullshit that nature spits out and says to us “Accept this.” And I reply to nature “No.” This creature is called the Damascus goat and it creeps me right the fuck out.

Its not like there's some strange information about it other than it is bred in and raised in Syria and Lebanon for milk and giving me bad dreams. I mean, how could I have made it this long in my life and never seen this damned thing somewhere? That's what makes this even worse. The fact that it existed for so long without me knowing.

Man Shoots Own Face During Argument

A Florida man shot himself in the face during an argument with his wife because guns don't kill people. 57 year old Dennis Eugene Emery got into a argument with his wife when he thought it would be a good idea to point the gun at the family dog. This was all happening this morning at 6am which as someone who grew up in a fighting household is way too early to be starting shit. So while Dennis was pointing the gun at the dog he cocked the hammer because fuck you safety is for girls.

While trying to release the hammer the gun went off and he shot himself in the face and died. This sounds like something out of a Coen Brothers movie. Police in the area had been in touch (meaning had to deal with) this guy a total of 34 times, three of them being in the last five days for domestic battery and aggravated assault. In 1977 he was charged with drunk driving, being drunk in public in 1983, and domestic violence charges last year. There are so many questions I have. How can someone be in trouble with the police that many times and not be in prison? How were he and his wife allowed to be near each other? What were they fighting about? Did the dog really do it? So many questions!

While You Were Sleeping: Daniel Handler Insult

I barely heard about this story and am surprised that it didn't make more news. That is why I write this nonsense. An author of children books aimed at Black children Jacqueline Woodson received a National Book Award for her book Brown Girl Dreaming. After accepting the award author Daniel Handler who is best known for his Lemony Snicket novels got up to tell what he thought would be a funny joke.

Now, before I get to what he said I need to just say this to you, the reader, and I want you to share this information with your friends: read the room. You can't just say whatever comes to mind or whatever you think is funny and expect everyone to agree with you.

History Of My Homes

Growing up I moved a lot. I have always wanted to have pictures of every house I grew up in or at least what my room looked like. While I do not have the latter, I do have Google and with it I can look at images of my old houses. Above is my Grandmama's house. I had to put that because from birth to 9 years old I spent my morning till afternoons there. I've found each of the seven houses I lived in with my family before escaping to West Hollywood and will write about the good and the bad about each. Also how long we lived there as far as I can recall.

89th St. (11 years)

This is the first house I grew up in and when I think of my childhood sticks out the most. I loved this house so much. I was here from birth until 11 and it sucked to leave it. Out of all the houses on the street this one, meaning my old one, looks different. Every other house looks exactly the same.

Good: Huge backyard. Like...really huge. My cousin lived next door and that was fun. Lots of kids on the street. Thrifty's ice cream that became the Western Swap Meet later. Mr. Bros. shaved ice shop/arcade that was owned by my next door neighbor. Singer Karen White lived right across the street. “I'm not your Superwoman...” Nice fireplace. Big front porch.

What People Care About This Week: Bill Cosby Rape Allegations

You ever have one of those situations in life or a series of events that happened that you had hoped was gone and no one would bring up again? I'm sure Bill Cosby does. For the past few weeks his history of rape allegations has been front and center in his life and while it was known by the public for quite some time it didn't come to the forefront again until a stand up routine by comedian Hannibal Buress where he made this statement.

“And it's even worse because Bill Cosby has the fucking smuggest old black man public persona that I hate. Pull your pants up, black people. I was on TV in the '80s. I can talk down to you because I had a successful sitcom. Yeah, but you raped women, Bill Cosby. So, brings you down a couple notches. I don't curse on stage. Well, yeah, you're a rapist, so, I'll take you sayin' lots of motherfuckers on Bill Cosby: Himself if you weren't a rapist. I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns. I've done this bit on stage, and people don't believe. People think I'm making it up. That shit is upsetting. If you didn't know about it, trust me. You leave here and Google ‘Bill Cosby rape.' It's not funny. That shit has more results than Hannibal Buress.”

Since then it has resulted in shows canceling interviews with Cosby, more allegations or various forms of sexual misconduct, the cancellation of an upcoming Netflix series, and interviews that are uncomfortable for everyone except the interviewer because this stuff gets views and attention. I think the interviews bother me because it is the perfect example of the “gotcha media” that Sarah Palin's crazy ass used to complain about.

"Solus Ipse" Part 2

Click here for previous Solus Ipse.

Pritchard and Donovan sat across from Captain Lowes and tried to calmly weather the storm. He was known for having a bad temper. They were used to his outbursts. But this one was bad. The morning paper sat in front of him on his desk. A bloody picture of yet another victim stared at them from the cover.

Lowes sighed and let his breath out fast. He looked at Pritchard and then Donovan. Taking the paper and balling it up, he tossed it across the room and against his door sending paper flying everywhere.

“Shit!” he shouted. The entire station seemed to immediately silence. “Any new information? Any?” Lowes was not really expecting an answer. He looked at Donovan and waited for her to say something. At times like this she usually did. This time she did not.

“Fucking Christ. You know what's gonna happen? Do you? Do you have any fucking clue what's gonna happen if we don't find this sick son of a bitch yesterday?! Goddamn it. Look. I know you two are trying hard but I need you to try harder.”

“Is this a pep talk?” Donovan asked. Pritchard looked at her and rolled his eyes. She was feeling the pressure from this case. The media had dubbed it “The Fairplay Killings” on account of the various victims that have been murdered. Donovan hated the media. “Because while you're telling us...”

Kids These Days 46

There is a father named Kevin Jones that found out that his daughter was lying about her age to older guys online. She had created accounts that he was unaware of and against his rules so he decided to embarrass her. She also had a little secret boyfriend. Instead of beating the hell out of her like what would've happened when I was little (and will get you arrested nowadays) he got an outfit for her.

He later posted on his Facebook page this message. My main problem with this is that he decided to share it on social media and didn't bother to correct the spelling.

“Since my beautiful daughter wants to be grown & lie about her age. Saying she is 14,15,16,&18 years old. She claims to be in love and going out with a boyfriend which is completely against my rules!!!! I uncovered that she has been doing this for quite some time.

She also has snuck and obtained social media accounts, also against my rules!!!! Heres the consequences behind her actions. An age defining shirt. Yes people she is 5'9 & 10years old. ‪#‎BuddiesBarrettesBallBalls‬.”

"Solus Ipse" Part 1

3am is no time for anyone concerned with their safety to be out. There is nothing but criminals and those that are paid to stop them prowling the streets. And the random victim who has yet to learn these rules.

Sara was one of these victims.

Lured into a restroom at a gas station miles from her home by a friendly face, she was the perfect prey for one such as Albert Dukes. Albert stood 5'11” and weighed 185lbs. His closely cropped hair and style of dress attracted glances from many women. This was all intentional.

“You're not there. I mean, I see you but you're really not there. I can smell you. I can touch you. I can hear every word they you're saying. But...you're not there. You say that I'm hurting you and I can plainly see that I indeed am hurting you, but you see, I really am not hurting you. I see the blood flowing from your wounds and yet...”

Alfred crouched down in front of his victim. A young high school student named Sara Lawrence. Her eyes were wide with fear. Alfred did not care. He slowly inserted the blade into Sara's bound legs and sighed. Her scream was muffled by an old sock and duct tape. Albert dabbed his index finger into the blood now pooling around her arm and put it to his lips.

He smiled for a moment knowing that if he were to look at his reflection that he would appear to be wearing lipstick. He looked into Sara's eyes and pursed his lips.

"Goldbrick" by Dante Ross Part 2 of 3

Click here for part 1.

35 decided that since this would be his last day staying on Earth that he would do something he'd never done before: talk to someone. All of his time on the planet he decided to never utter a word to anyone. Too many languages he decided and the longer he stayed the more there were. It was an unending wall of speech that he could not be bothered with.

After all, he was supposed to destroy the planet thousands of years ago.

This was a very active planet, nothing like where he came from, and the humans loved to hear themselves. Where 35 was from if anyone made a sound the entire city would pause in confusion. It took him years to get used to the birds on Earth alone. Flight was something he had never seen. On his planet they would just...appear somewhere they needed to be.

What are you doing, 35?

“I am getting dressed.”

Why? You should be initiating--

“I know, I know” 35 said mockingly. “Initiate the revolt of the stars. I have all morning, afternoon, and evening to initiate everything. What's the rush?”

I Don't Want A Cell Phone or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Loved Being Unreachable

There are a few reactions folks have when I tell them that I don't have a cell phone. People that do not know me well think that I'm some anti-technology weirdo that is making a strange stance against the future. Some of my friends think I am just being stubborn. Other friends know that I just don't need one.

I think a lot of the fear that people have of not owning a cell phone comes from an inability to take responsibility for their actions. People show up late but think it is fine since they can call, as they are running late, to explain that they will not be on time.

How courteous of them.

People ask me “What if you need directions?” I tell them that I check that information before I leave the house. Then the next question is “What if you get lost?” Look. This isn't the Old Frontier. If I get lost there is no chance of me dying of starvation or being attacked by bandits. Plus, I'm a grown ass man. If I leave the house and get lost I accept that responsibility.

Dante Explains Shit: Marijuana Laws

Weed! Marijuana. Ganja. The Devil's Weed. Papa Smurf. I made the last one up. Its known by many things but illegal is the most prevalent. Now, while marijuana laws are slowly changing possessing weed will get you in jail or fined no matter how much of it you have. Most people just think that weed is bad and should be illegal without really know why it is in the first place. So in this Dante Explains Shit I'm gonna do a Cliff Notes version of the history of marijuana and how it got to the point where smoking a plant will get your freedom taken away.

Since the 1800's marijuana was used for medical purposes. People like to think that only in recent decades its been used to treat pain and illnesses but its been hundreds of years. I think I need to clarify something. When people think of hemp they think of marijuana. You can not get high from hemp no matter how much you smoke. Though they are from the same plant one is male and the other female.

Hemp is used for many things. Fabric, building material, and also paper. Hemp is one of the strongest materials on the planet and unlike most plants. The sails of ships were made of the stuff. Jeans were made from it. The first two drafts of the Declaration of Independence were written on it. Hemp is cheap, strong, and easy to grow. Like my penis.

Inspirational Quotes Are The Worse

I'm that guy that hates inspirational quotes. I can't just look at one, nod, smile, and move on. I start to analyze the quote, judge who it came from, and find out what else they said or did with their life. By the time I'm done I can't even remember where I started. I just know that I'm now annoyed.

I think my issue started when I was younger. I would hear someone tell another human that was going through some rough shit that God had a plan for them and not to worry or be sad about it. I would be like “Wow, what did you do to piss God off and what can I do to avoid it?!” Telling someone that God has a plan for them is not helpful. Not only is it not helpful its presumptuous. Maybe God is busy with other things and forgot about your nonsense. Like Korean Jesus.

"Goldbrick" by Dante Ross Part 1 of 3

Wake up.

I don't want to move.

Wake. Up.

Not yet.

Initiate revolt of the stars.

“Okay, I'm up!” 35 shouted though he did not move.

Stand.

“But...I'm comfortable” 35 whined. He felt a slight tremble in the dimensional spectrum and quickly rolled out of his hammock landing on the dock overlooking the sea. No matter where 35 was assigned he would move towards the ocean. It reminded him of home.

Limbless Suspect And Ambulance Theft

Fucking Florida, man. I just don't even know anymore. 30 year old Sean Petrozzino has been on the run from police who want to question him about a double murder. Yes. Murder most foul! It is reported that he moved back into his parents home after separating from his wife due to some financial issues. The last time he was seen is in this surveillance photo getting cash from an ATM. Police say he is a “person of interest” which is code for “Time for a new identity!” 

You may notice that he ain't got no hands. He also has no legs. He got bacterial meningitis years ago and that shit was a wrap. Police found the bodies of his parents after his mother who is a teacher didn't show up for work. This guy has been on the run ever since. There is a joke there that I refuse to make. Police also say that he is armed with a gun. I shit you not, I am not making this stuff up! I am amazed that he has been able to stay out of custody so far. He can't be hard to miss. 

In other crazy ass news involving guys an 18 year old named Stefan Sortland of Colorado was arrested after stealing an ambulance. While treating an intoxicated student suffering from seizures the EMT's come outside and wouldn't you know it, their ambulance was gone. Could you imagine being on a stretcher and being wheeled outside and the damned ride was missing?

Amy Jo Johnson Makes Me Happy

Back in the early 90's my little sister was a he fan of the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers. I hated them by default because she loved them but one day I decided to watch the show and fell in love with one of the characters. The Pink Ranger played by Amy Jo Johnson was the business! I thought she was around my age when that show came out but it turns out that she was about 10 years older. Yeah, she's one of those humans that has the ability to do that like Stacey Dash. She I watched the show and pined for her because she always work very short shorts and liked to do flips all the time on the show. It was hot. I was buying what she was selling. I was picking up what she was putting down. I was smelling what she was cooking. But then she left the show and there was a rotating cast that I never bought into like the regular one.

She ended up popping up on Felicity and I was like “That's the Pink Ranger!” because I'm a dick and can't let go of the past. I watched the show longer than I wanted to just because she was on it and the internet wasn't around so I couldn't just find which episodes she would be on. Then she appeared on this show I watch on Ion sometimes called Flashpoint.

Dante Vs. Nature 46

People do some stupid stuff when it comes to nature. I like to leave it alone. A few nights ago a bee got into my apartment. Now, bees shouldn't be around right now let alone around 7pm at night. This bee was stupid and met its end underneath a size 13 Converse. Then there are people that not only want to go into nature voluntarily, but they go into nature and dare it to do the last thing that you want nature to do to you.

A naturalist named Paul Rosolie wants to die before he reaches his 27th birthday. He plans on getting inside of an anaconda. Not, like, a dead one where he'll wear it like a suit. But get inside of it while it is alive, allowing himself to be eaten whole. Or swallowed. Eaten would imply death which is possible. That is why he designed a suit to keep that from happening.

Dating Outside Your Race

Dating outside of your race can be a tricky thing depending on how you were raised, who you know, how your family responds to other races, and what your friends are like. I have never been told to my face by an actual friend that they had a problem with someone I was dating because of their race. Other things, yes. But not because of their race. Likely because my group of friends are all kinds of races. Black, White, Asian, Canadian. Yeah. That's a race now.

But I have heard from my mother that all I do is date White women. Even back in school this was an accusation that held no water since I couldn't even get a girlfriend consistently. But still the shadow of the White woman hung over my head.

Dante Explains Shit: Ebola

I like to think that I can explain complicated things in a way that even the dumbest of people can understand. Its not true, but I like to think it. Today I am going to try to explain what the hell Ebola is. A lot of people are afraid of it and freaking out yet not doing anything to actually protect themselves from it. We have a bunch of Chicken Little's running around and those are the types of people that make things worse. There is a difference between vigilant and panicky.

Ebola is a disease that is transmitted from animals to humans because we just can not stop touching the monkeys! Its like getting HIV without the benefit of sex or getting high. After a human gets it they can spread it to other humans because sharing is caring. If you do have the for reals Ebola there is a 50% chance you will die but not before giving it to someone else because you hate washing your hands and shit wherever you please.

"I play in poop!"

The first outbreaks of Ebola occurred in Central Africa (South Central Africa as I like to say) but the current one is in West Africa. The best way to stop an outbreak is to do the opposite of everything that has been done. Managing suspected and confirmed cases, keeping track of them, doctors that know what they're doing, and if need be proper burial.