If You'd Only Used A Kleenex...

"In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults." ~ Thomas Szasz

So once again I got asked the question that’s been plaguing me for well over a decade:

“When are you gonna have kids?”

It’s funny when you realize that I’m only 29 and have been asked this question since I was 18. I’m sure most people (if you’re at least semi-normal) will ask, “18? Isn’t that a bit too young to be having a kid?” Well, obviously you’re not a Ross. In my family you are supposed to start shooting out kids as soon as you’re out of high school. Hell, sometimes even while you’re still there. I have used my best weapon against the argument for me having kids and it never works. Logic.

“I don’t like kids.”

“I cant afford kids.”

“Kids suck.”

“I just don’t want a kid.”

“Me being the father of anything other than a pet or plant makes me nervous.”

It always falls on deaf ears. Like, if you wanna have a kid, awesome for you. I hope. It’s just not my thing. The idea of waking up knowing that I have to make sure this little version of me survives through the day scares the shit out of me. Not because I’m afraid that I’ll be a bad parent or not because I’m sure I’ll be a great dad. But because I don’t trust the planet. I wouldn’t be able to leave my kid in the hands of teachers that run around these days. I wouldn’t trust them to raise my kid properly.

“Raise?” you ask.

Yes. I think that folks don’t realize that teachers play such a huge part of the maturity of a child. Think about it. I was around my teachers more than my own family. From 7am until 3pm I was in their care. My parents fed my stomach but my teachers fed my mind…until late junior high and I started to hate school (again, for another blog). I don’t trust teachers with the mind of my never will be born child.

Also, I don’t need a legacy. I don’t feel the need to nurture a kid. Hell, it’s hard enough taking care of myself. Imagine me taking care of a kid. Scary, isn’t it? People have seen me with kids and always say that I’d be a great dad. Again, I’m sure I would be but I just cant do it. My own parents couldn’t raise me right. Another version of me? Man, I wouldn’t sleep around that kid. Oh, and if it were a girl? Dude! I would pray she be born a lesbian. Yes, I hate guys that much.

So if any of you reading this ever feel the need to ask me when I’m having a kid, remember this one thing: Dante doesn’t want kids. Ever. Rockets.