"Don't Do That Because..."

There have been rumors running around since most of us were little. I was listening to the Adam Carolla Podcast and he mentioned a rumor he heard when he was younger and was shocked by how many people had heard it around the country before the internet even existed. Here are some of the ones I have heard for years and wondered how they started.

This one is nasty and when I first heard it I was so confused. I don’t remember which member of The New Kids On The Block it was (I can already hear some of you groaning because you know where this is heading), but apparently one of them swallowed so much jizz that he had to get his stomach pumped. Okay. How did this start and why did I at the age of 9 or 10 hear it enough for it to stay in my head? And if its true, how do you explain that to a doctor?

If you masturbate you get hair on your hands (checks hands nervously). Not only that, but you go blind. What the hell?! Its not bad enough you get monkey paws, you have to go blind as well? Really?! Like you cant feel guilty enough because you’re beating off or like a loser because you cant get laid, they gotta add fur and loss of sight.

If you scratch a mole off you will bleed to death. I remember hearing this when I was little and was totally convinced it was true. I have one on the back of my neck and a smaller one near my eye. I’d like to think that if I accidentally scratched it off and it started bleeding to the point I got dizzy that I would be smart enough to get it taken care of. What a lame way to die, huh?

Mosquito spray actually attracts them. My older brother told this to me and made me paranoid as hell to head outside with that stuff on. This was in the mid-80’s and every once in a while a random scare would come around (like missing children). Mosquitoes suddenly became the new fear and I bought into it. I have never been bitten by one whether or not I had any spray on.

If you don’t cut an ingrown toenail your foot will fall off. I have always loved the term “fall off.” Like one day you’ll be walking down the street and a body part will just flop right off. My grandfather did lose his leg because of an ingrown toenail. Maybe this isn’t really a rumor. How in the hell did he let it get to that point?

If you sit too close to the TV you’ll go blind. Why would you wanna sit closer to the TV anyway? Its not like you’re seeing anything better and you’re just being a jerk for blocking everyone else’s view of the screen. Sitting like that was the best way to get sneak attacked. I grew up with three older brothers. The last thing I needed to do was turn my back to them.

Rockets.