Dante Bitches About People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2012

People Magazine released their list of the sexiest man alive for 2012 and I was pissed. I ranted about Esquire Magazine and how Rihanna was their number one pick. I’m not even gay or a woman and this list made no sense to me. You don’t have to be attracted to men to know when a guy is or not unless you’re seriously that insecure in your sexuality. I doubt many scared straight boys read my stuff anyway. But to vote Channing Tatum as the sexiest man alive? Come on now!

I hated Tatum with a passion that sent ships across the seas for sex hundreds of years ago. He looked weird, he seemed like a dick, and he couldn’t act. But then he started popping up in movies where the roles he was cast in fit him perfectly. Films like Magic Mike and 21 Jumpstreet. I was like “Oh, this is how he’s supposed to act. Dim.” Suddenly I didn’t hate him anymore. He had grown on me like a non cancerous mole.

The other actors and stuff listed are Blake Shelton who I guess sings country music, Max Greenfield who I don’t know, Ben Affleck, Richard Gere, Matt Bomer who I also don’t know, some guy named Damian Lewis, Denzel Washington, some runner what ain’t got no legs named Oscar Pistorius, and Chris Hemsworth. Tatum beat Thor!!!

I photoshopped his head on my body.

How do I live in a world where Hemsworth, any of them, lose to Tatum? I know that Tatum has a nice body but compared to Hemsworth? Nope. The funny thing is hearing and reading about women complaining about Tatum being number one if that they say he has a great body but a strange looking face.

Derp?

I think the biggest insult to all of this is the fact that Ryan Gosling is nowhere in the top ten. How in the fuck can that happen? Ryan Gosling is a dreamy son of a bitch. Plus he can actually act. Gosling has pumped out some really great films the last few years. You find one woman that thinks Tatum looks better and I‘ll show you a liar!

Let him put it on your shoulder.

This list may possibly be worse than Esquire’s. Adding the guy with no legs and Gere is just absurd. I know it’s a thing to make old and handicapped people feel better, but come on. In closing Tatum, while funny and not as hatalicious as he used to be, is not the sexiest man alive.