How Thor Ragnarok Made Me Wanna Exercise

It all started with Thor Ragnarok. I was sitting in the theater and there was a scene where Thor, played by Chris Hemsworth, is standing there shirtless in all his Hemsworthiness. A few people in the audience gasped. Some whistled. Maybe things moved in pants. I just sat there and thought to myself “Why don't I look like that?!” Besides the obvious reasons like the fact that I consider going to do my laundry a physical activity and all of my hobbies require me sitting as still as possible there is no reason that I shouldn't look better than I do. Not a 28 inch waist and 60 inch shoulders like Thor, but just better than I did.

I wasn't what I would describe as fat. I was definitely not in good shape but better shape than I was a few years prior. My attempts to be healthy started late and slowly. In 2012 I started drinking water. When I was little I would drink it from hoses outside while ants crawled on my hands. In 2013 I started taking multivitamins. Just small steps that made small differences. By 2014 I was beginning to eat salads sometimes and vegetables. In 2015 I was close to 260 pounds (I am 6 foot 1 and it doesn't sound bad to be that heavy...if you're an athlete) and while still drinking water and taking vitamins my diet consisted of pizzas, pastas, about six sodas an evening at work, and a huge bowl of Fruity Pebbles with orange juice an coffee every single morning. You do not want to know how many calories that was a day.

Dante Bitches About People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2012

People Magazine released their list of the sexiest man alive for 2012 and I was pissed. I ranted about Esquire Magazine and how Rihanna was their number one pick. I’m not even gay or a woman and this list made no sense to me. You don’t have to be attracted to men to know when a guy is or not unless you’re seriously that insecure in your sexuality. I doubt many scared straight boys read my stuff anyway. But to vote Channing Tatum as the sexiest man alive? Come on now!

I hated Tatum with a passion that sent ships across the seas for sex hundreds of years ago. He looked weird, he seemed like a dick, and he couldn’t act. But then he started popping up in movies where the roles he was cast in fit him perfectly. Films like Magic Mike and 21 Jumpstreet. I was like “Oh, this is how he’s supposed to act. Dim.” Suddenly I didn’t hate him anymore. He had grown on me like a non cancerous mole.