Street Justice?

New York. This is a story where I am still trying to figure out if the punishment fit the crime. From reports this is what happened. 39 year old Phillip Pierre was supposed to sell a pair of Air Jordan 8 shoes for about $190. God, people pay a lot for shoes. Anyhoot, instead of buying the shoes 17 year old Zachary Sam decided to rob Phillip at gunpoint instead. This is all on video by the way. 

Zachary takes off running as Philip makes a u-turn and ends up ramming his vehicle against the kid. Zachary got away and headed home...without his arm. That's right. He had his arm severed by the vehicle. He actually made it to a bus where the driver stopped seeing how badly he was bleeding. This is what is known as street justice. Its illegal but super effective. Zachary was taken to the hospital where doctors attempted to attach his arm. He was well enough to eventually be arrested and charged with armed robbery. Philip has been charged with 2nd degree attempted murder. 

Fear Totes McGoats

In Buffalo they have a new mascot for the Niagra Falls Solid Waste Education & Enforcement Team and it is creepy as hell. Its name is Totes McGoats and looks like someone heard a funny rhyme on the internet and said “This will help teach the kids how to recycle. And not sleep. Yeah. Definitely no sleep for the children.” Look at that thing! Its like an old drawing of the Devil! 

Mayor Paul Dyster said “I guess you would say Totes is a cute animal mascot, kind of scary actually. But having an animal mascot we think is one of the ways that you can reach out to kids and get their attention.” 

There is no kid that will look at that and do anything but be afraid. If I turned the corner and saw this I'd throw my wallet at it, scream, and pray to Cthulhu before simultaneously shitting myself and puking. I don't like it. That mayor is lying saying this thing is cute. Its a beast. And why does it have the expression like its eating a soul? Answer: because it is. Yours. Mine. Everyone. Fear Totes.

Teach Me How To Dougie

A teacher is in trouble for a picture taken where two female students are placing their hands on her boobs. This isn't even a shocking thing anymore because we live in this strange new culture where everyone wants to be the cool kid no matter how silly it looks or how much trouble they can get in. 

Amy Douglas is a science and chemistry teacher in Rochester, Pennsylvania. The picture was taken around a prom that she helped organize and chaperone. The picture has since been deleted off of Instagram and cropped to cover up the two students that helped make this very unsexy image happen. A caption with the photo originally said “Everyone be jealous we got to touch Dougies boobs.” 

No student should be that comfortable with a teacher. Not enough to call them Dougie, touch their boobs, or have the teacher think it is cute/funny to have a picture with her face clearly shown with students touching her breasts. She is being investigated for the photo. The students have now graduated. I know someone is saying that this is just a fun image to which I say be careful. Being a pervatron is a very slippery slope, one that I am all too aware of. My back glistens with oils from the slide of perversity from whence the only hope for a cleansed soul is a religious fervor not seen nor accepted since the 1500's. How wet do you want to get?

Drunk Mother And Bulldozed Homes

45 year old Florida mother Angela Woodworth was arrested after her 11 year old son and four of his friends jumped right out of the car she was driving. Why would kids do this? Because mama was loaded. Last Tuesday the four boys ran into a Steak n' Shake in Gainesville after Angela hit a pole while driving. She ended up chasing them inside of the restaurant and screaming at them because Florida. Police found receipts showing that she had bought two pitchers of beer at a bowling alley and four more drinks at a Ruby Tuesday because mama gets thirsty. 

She was arrested and charged with marijuana possession, resisting an officer, and felony child neglect. For some reason she was not hit with a DUI. Judging from her mugshot she doesn't seem all that phased by anything that happened that evening and her son is probably in for a world of hurt when she gets home. I have been in the car with a drunk driver, and let me tell you, that shit is a different kind of fear. I love when you can look at the picture someone is taking during what should be one of the worst moments of their life and they left every fuck to give outside. And their dignity. That shit is worthless. 

Police Release Drunk Zombie Into Society

Police in New York caught a drunk zombie driving down the road and arrested her. Then they set her free! Her name is Catherine Butler and she is 26 years old and should know better. She got busted for driving drunk with a blood alcohol level of .11. The legal limit is .08 in most places. It was close to 2am so she was coming from a party where she obviously got wasted and no action. The police also slapped on operating a vehicle with no headlights. 

So this girl was dressed as a zombie, drunk, and driving in the dark. How many wrongs can you accomplish in one day? Turns out a few more.

Her friend picked her up from jail and took her drunk ass back home where normal people would just be glad that they didn't have to stay in jail overnight and sleep it off. 

But not Catherine. Catherine was like “I'm not as turnt up as much as I should be.” This is that thing where having a friend that makes sure you don't do dumb shit is a really good thing. There are some people that when they drink become just terrible assholes. Maybe that was the case here.

Wank At The Truck Stop

This entire story sounds made up but it isn't. Calvin Wank of Deposit, New York was arrested for showing himself love in a parking lot near Love's Travel Stop. See? That entire sentence sounds fake! This 56 year old freak was reported to police by a bunch of truckers who noticed him when they were pulling in. For a trucker to look at you and get horrified enough to call police must be bad. From what movies have told me truckers will have sex with anything. Anything. Buffalo Bill here was charged with misdemeanor public lewdness and will head to court next week. This guy looks like a drag queen left out in the rain overnight. He looks like he was rode hard and put away wet. That is such a terrible phrase. But seriously. Ugh. I have no problem with a grown ass man dressing up like...this. But the lack of commitment to the look bothers me more than anything. No wig. Terrible job of applying makeup. And the shoestring top? Come on. He looks like the damned Joker with this look happening. I'm sure his children are either embarrassed or used to this. I doubt this is the first time this guy has been busted for this. He didn't catch a bad break. He probably just got sloppy. Wank has done this dozens of times and got cocky. That's how it always happens. 

Teacher Fired For Getting Dating Advice From 4th Graders

A substitute teacher in New York, Cassandre Fiering, has been fired after using her 4th grade students for dating advice. What seemed to really push it over the edge was reenacting scenarios with them. In PS 189 (I swear these NY school names are so strange) she wanted the kids advice with a guy that she had started dating. She allegedly asked the kids to toilet paper the guys house and touched the kids while role-playing. She said she kept things G-rated. “The kids were saying, 'Oh, we're your counselor.' They were excited to have me listen to their advice. They were saying all kinds of things, trying to help me because this guy was being a jerk to me.” Apparently there were only four students in class because the rest were on a field trip. Translation: the bad kids or the ones that forgot trip slips.

I have some experience with this. When I was in the 10th grade my geometry teacher at Fairfax was getting married. This was an older White lady who was dating an Arab guy. Me and this one other girl who looked way too much like the first girl I ever kissed knew that this whole situation was gonna be bad.

So one day she brings a bunch of fliers (this was the 90's, kids) advertising a garage sale. She was selling all her shit because she was going to be moving overseas with this guy. One day she brought one of them ninja looking gimmicks that Middle eastern women wear. “We can't show our face!” she said with so much joy. Mind you, this entire time we're not doing any work in class. 3rd period was listen to teacher talk about her love life.

Students Use Rat Poison On New York Teacher

A New York school is being occupied by a couple of shepherds for the devil! A 9 and 12 year old from PS 315 in Brooklyn, NY have been charged with reckless endangerment, criminal possession of a weapon, and attempted assault after it was discovered that they put rat poison in the 51 year old teachers drink. It is being said that the boys wanted to see what would happen if they gave this to their teacher who after having the drink went to the principal and then the hospital where she is recovering. The school was alerted to what made the teacher sick after another student reported seeing the students do this to their parent. The 9 year old is the one who supplied the poison. The Department of Education said “We are greatly relieved that the teacher is recovering and we continue to closely monitor this situation. Ensuring the safety of our entire schools community is our priority, and while this matter is still under investigation, we will take swift and appropriate action.” 

The biggest question I have so far is why is there a 12 year old kid in the damned 4th grade?! This is why I couldn't have kids or be left in charge of them for an extended amount of time. Because I would lose all of my shit on these kids as a parent, teacher, or law enforcement. As a parent I would be upset that I had raised such a dumb, evil child. “Maybe the kid is having a hard time at home” someone said. Almost everyone does! That is no excuse to poison your fucking teacher! As a cop I would be compelled to hit these kids with charges as an adult. “That's not reasonable!” you say. Sorry for not wanting to die by having kids poison me! As a teacher I would never trust kids again. I know that sounds horrible but its how I feel. No teacher should have to worry about having their own students putting poison in the shit. This isn't King Arthur times or Game Of Thrones where poison is used almost like a spice.  

Are Nike Air Foamposite Pro Yeezy Shoes Worth Getting Shot Over?

Once again someone has been hurt while trying to get a new pair of shoes. It is so silly to me that waiting in line for new things is still something that occurs, but the shoe aspect is even sillier. Isaiah Martinez of Brooklyn, NY was shot in the foot this past Saturday while waiting in line for the new Kanye West designed Nike Air Foamposite Pro “Yeezy” shoes that sale for $250. Kanye don't even play basketball. This is just stupid. While everyone was camped outside of a Foot Locker a little before 6am Martinez decided that it would be a good idea to cut in line. The store would be opening in a couple of hours and when he cut everyone folks got pissed which is totally understandable.

After cutting in line one of the people that were pissed said that they were going to shoot him. He got out of line and came back with a gun and shot him. Other witnesses are saying that the kid was smack talking after he cut in line. A guy that knows Martinez named Edison Catagena said “There were people camped out for the sneakers and Isaiah tried to cut the line. They get into a scuffle and one of the guys on line left and told Isaiah he was coming back with a gun. He came back and just fired off four shots. He probably shot him in the foot just to scare him off. You know, send a message. That's the generation we got now. They shoot each other over shoes.”

Getting shot or attacked over shoes is not a new thing. That has been going on ever since Nike started making Jordan's. The shooter was found today and it turns out he is 14 years old. The store ended up having to stay closed until 11am because of this nonsense and the shoes sold out by 6pm. I wrote a while back about people in Florida rioting over shoes (click here) and being so puzzled by it. Can't you get them later? Order online? I also wrote about those cool ass Macho Man shoes (click here). I'm not waiting for no Kanye shoes. And how is it that these kids were able to wait in line for shoes when the store opens when school starts? Even if there is no school how are they able to afford them? How are they unsupervised? Who is this kid with a gun?!  

Jimmy Failla Is A Dick

This guy is a dick. When I first saw this story I hoped that it was fake. Like that one porno I saw where a guy went down on a woman for more than ten seconds. I mean, come on with that. That's not a real thing. Anyway, this New York cab driver named Jimmy Failla that calls himself a comedian and author decided to prank people by putting a big ass Burmese python in the back of the cab with passengers, locking the door so they couldn't get out, and filming it. Why? Read the first sentence of this paragraph again.

A prank to me is silly, harmless things. Not putting a fucking snake in the proximity of someone who is not expecting it. That's called being an asshole. These people are trying to get somewhere. No one rides cabs for funsies. Can you imagine trying to get someplace and suddenly a snake is dumped into the backseat with you? My reaction although I have no fear of snakes would be to stomp the shit out of it like I'm listening to Kirk Franklin. Jimmy is using the snake and passengers as a way to promote a book he is doing about conquering fears.

Parents Failing Hard 12

What happens when you combine the state of Florida and bad parenting? Pimping your child, of course. That was a trick question since there's no other real answer. I wold have accepted incest or cannibalism. Meet 39 year old mother of multiple children but pimp of one Yolanda Ostolaza. She decided that while she was taking a one week trip to NYC for the Super Bowl that she might as well try and make some cash off of her 15 year old daughter.

The family that hooks together gets booked together.

When her dumb ass as arrested she told cops “We came up here to work and make money with a pimp. I knew it was for escorting and prostitution.” Then not satisfied with reaching a level of bad parenting not seen since frontier days she added “I thought my daughter was just going to do the fetish stuff.” Now “fetish stuff” can mean pretty much anything because that is a very vague term. It can mean anything from crushing dicks with heels to being spanked to even...

We Going To Hell 3

You ever hear of the Knockout Game? Its this thing where idiots hit unsuspecting people in the hopes of rendering them unconscious. Doesn't that sound like fun?! No. Not it doesn't. And its a total misuse of the word “game.” This asshole in Brooklyn, New York named Barry Baldwin, 35, has knocked out as far as they know seven women. And just because this isn't bad enough he is actually claiming self-defense in one case.

Many of his attacks centered on Jewish and Hasidic women in Brooklyn which caused investigators to consider these hate crimes. As for the one he hit in self defense it was allegedly because she made him spill his coffee at Dunkin Donuts.

“I was passing by a lady using a phone and I hit her head in self-defense because of the way she looked” which makes perfect sense if you are a total assbutt. Here is a composite sketch of him which pretty much looks like me with braids.

We Going To Hell 2

I need to call this one Dante Is Going To Hell because when I read this story I laughed my ass off. Now, I have never been known to be sensitive to the suffering of others. There's less than twenty people on this planet I feel bad for when bad things happen to them. You can be one of those people that say “Dante, you are mean!” or “Dante, she has a health issue!” and I'll agree with you. But when you are 6 foot 5 and weigh about 400lbs there is a chance that the ground you are standing on will get angry and stop supporting you. She is bigger than most boxers and wrestlers!

Ulanda Williams, 32, lives in Queens, NY. While waiting outside of an Atomic Wings food spot to get out of the rain she needed a place to stay dry. Suddenly the ground screamed “Jesus take the wheel!” and she fell through the sidewalk. She fell seven feet through the ground, kicked someone in China, and help arrived. It is being reported that the ground was hollow underneath which I am having trouble believing because 400lbs.

Parents Failing Hard 7

Some parents reach a level of failing that you can only imagine happening in comic books or movies. Take this jackass for example. 22 year old Staten Island, NY resident Paul Marquez look reality in the face and said “I’ll take option B.!” and decided that selling his girlfriends baby on Craigslist would be a good idea. The Munky sent me this story further giving me proof that New York is an insane place where The Warriors roam free!

Paul was apparently upset with the chick he was dating and posted an ad for the baby trying to sell it for $100 with the heading, of course, “Baby For Sale.”

Along with this were details such as “…the baby loved to play and have fun, but had asthma“ and that it was “really getting on my nerves.” Oh, and the kicker: “I don’t want her Please email me.” 

Parents Failing Hard 2

Josh Smith sent me this story a couple of weeks ago. Its kind of hard to title this one Parents Failing Hard when what this mother does rules so hard. Judy H. Viger, 33, was arrested last month for hiring strippers, plural, for her sons 16th birthday. Now, that is ratchet as hell. I fully understand that. But it rules as well! Along the way a lot of mistakes were made that ended with her behind bars and her son wondering what the big deal was. Viger found and paid for these strippers to show up. She’s being charged with five counts of child endangerment I guess because titties are dangerous.

Beffft berfffay efffer!!!

At a bowling alley, yes a bowling alley, her son along with some of his friends were given lap dances. Judging from this picture what I thought were lap dances involve having a stripper have her cooch in your face. Nope. You keep that thing away from me, missy! I bet you’re wondering how this story even got out. How could a night of fun and debauchery for a teen end with a mother arrested? Fucking Facebook.