"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 9

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This is my moment. I think. Right? This is my moment of redemption. If this were being filmed everything would go in slow motion. I would lock eyes with Softy. She locks eyes with me and mouths “I love you.” The other guys on the ground would slowly lift themselves up and form a human shield around me. Music in a language I don't understand would start playing and the Marines would drop their balls and start slow clapping for me. Mr. W. Scott would drop his clipboard and walk over and hug me.

In reality what happened was not as inspiring.

The first ball missed me because I suddenly developed the ability to do jazz splits. My dick reminds me that a receipt for that will come later. The next ball missed because I tipped to the side. The next ball was launched by a Marine who did some parkour nonsense and hurled the ball so hard I heard it. It hit me in the chest spinning me into the wall. Just as I gasped another ball hit me, guess where?, right in the dick. I spun and now I was facing the wall. I lost count of how many balls were hitting my back. I next woke up laying in bed with an ice pack on my face and crotch. Saucy was sitting at the edge of my bed holding ice to his nose.

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 8

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These guys look like they were built to hurt other people. Let 'em try. I don't even care. I'm gonna destroy this shit. Okay. Maybe I won't. This sucks. These guys are gonna make me look bad in front of my woman. I can not let that happen. I'm just making headway with her. I think. Yeah. Right? She likes me. Sure, she kneed me in the dick but she kissed me a few seconds later so that means something.

“Wow” Saucy says.

“What?”

“You were monologuing” he tells me.

Shit.

“That was all out loud?” I ask. He nods. Mr. W. Scott walks over to me which is weird because I can see him moving. He stops a few inches from my face and spins facing the soldiers.

“Three months pay for whoever removes this man first” he says and walks away.

“That doesn't seem right” Happy Hands says. Softy is eyeballing her dad the entire time. “I'd hold your hands but you seem to have a very large target on your back.”

“His back if he's lucky” Saucy says.

“I'm dead” Beef says. “Look at those guys. They eat people like me for lunch.”

“Now you know how nature feels about you” I say.

“Nice to know that in the face of certain death that you are still confident” Google says. “It makes no sense but its admirable.”

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 7

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You ever watch those PETA videos where they show cows being punched in the face and chickens kicked across the pen? I know you have. I haven't because though I may be an alcoholic failure I'm not willing to put myself through that kind of torture. So yeah. I've watched a few of those videos. They get real bad and I cover my eyes but then I quickly realize that the sound is way worse. That's what this is like. All we can hear is the soldiers roaring, women screaming, and the sound of rubber on flesh.

I just described someone's favorite porn.

Happy Hands takes my hands and I don't snatch them away this time. I think Saucy and Joseph may be saying the same prayer. Beef is moments from breaking. Google looks way too calm while Bing is giggling a little bit. Me? I'm prairie dogging. I'm touching cotton. The big brown man is knocking at the back door. This is terrible. One by one the screams stop but I hear the ball still hitting the wall.

“Give up” Mr. W. Scott says.

“Fuck off, dad” I hear Softy say as she shuffles.

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 6

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I step outside and hiss. Saucy hands me some shades and I put them on. Beef is trying his best not to burst into tears. I feel oddly confident. Sure, we're about to play dodge ball with a bunch of Marines but things could be worse. I could be playing dodge ball with a bunch of Marines. Wait. That didn't come out right. Softy comes over and places her hand on my shoulder.

“How's the dick?” she asks. Saucy quickly walks away.

“Average I'd say, but surprisingly adequate” I tell her. “Don't believe me? Ask my stepmom.”

“Okay...” she says and walks away.

That big ass ant is over against a wall dodging side to side against an opponent I can't see. It sees me looking and waves. I don't wave back. It shrugs and continues. My hands begin shaking so I put them in my pocket.

“Beautiful day to die” Google says and begins doing what can only be described as those old school calisthenics. “But I've led a good life. I have very few regrets. That's all we can really ask for out of life when you think about it. What's with the sunglasses?”

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 5

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The night goes by pretty uneventfully. I half hoped and was half afraid that Saucy was going to touch me in my sleep but he didn't. He was a perfect gentleman. I don't see what his wife's problem is. She got three kids out of him. Let him touch some dick. He's obviously given it to her in the past. But whatever. That's their problem. It is now morning time and I'm gonna do some physical activities with the women! Saucy is up before me and doing stretches. I try to bend and touch my toes and my back sounds like someone stepped on a bag of chips.

“Good God, boy!” Saucy says. “You need to get that checked out.”

“I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?” I ask him. “Wait. That didn't make sense, did it?” Someone taps on the door once and enters.

“You have three minutes” Mr. W. Scott says and closes the door. He sticks his head back in for a moment and checks off his clipboard then leaves again.

“That man is a living Harry Potter villain” Saucy says. “How are you holding up, kid?”

“I'll let you know as soon as the room stops moving” I tell him. Someone knocks at the door again. “The fuck is this? A sitcom?”

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 4

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"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 3

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I sit staring at Mr. W. Scott. I can't believe he just stood up for me the way he did. No one has ever done that before. Well, his daughter did earlier so I guess that counts. I'm gonna love being a part of their family. Their so...righteous.

“Remove that look from your face” Mr. W. Scott says. I do. “Now.” I thought I did. “Do not believe for a moment that I was defending you from your father. I was not. I defended me and my facility. I will not have a man with an obvious drug addiction insult my good name.”

“My dad isn't on drugs” I say far more defensively than I intended.

“This is one of the problems with most of society. I say 'drugs' and you think marijuana, heroin, or cocaine. Recreational drugs.” He flips the clipboard over. “Cymbalta replaced Abilify which replaced Lexapro which replaced Paxil which began with Prozac.”

“Shit.”

“All drugs, Mr. Thompson” he told me. “Others would say that you have inherited your addictions from your father and even his father. Genetic, they say. You have the alcoholism gene.” Mr. W. Scott looks up from his clipboard and at me. “But that is nonsense. They are excuses for you and thousands like you have as a way to not cope with the fact that you are weak.”

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 2

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I check myself in the mirror before going to meet whoever it is that is paying me a visit. Knowing Mr. W. Scott its Sad Sack waiting to pounce on me. I wish my father had taught me to fight. Any fight I've ever been in ended because of bodily fluids. Mine. Not theirs.

I head down the hallway and two guards appear next to me. I'll call them Thing 1 and Thing 2. Thing 1 is a large Mexican man that has his arms covered in tattoos. Thing 2 is a large Black guy that smells like cigarette smoke. Neither of them talk to me so I take it upon myself to break the ice.

“Are you two related?” I ask. They don't reply so I continue. “Do you know who I'm going to meet? I do hope that whoever it is they brought candy. Or whiskey. I'd do anything for a shot of whiskey. Anything. You hear me, brother?” I nudge Thing 2 and both of them hook me under my arms and drag me. “Wheee!” They take me to a room that has two chairs, no windows, and a table. It looks like an interrogation room. They shove me inside and lock the door. “Do I tip you guys?”

I sit down in one of the chairs and drum on the table. Not voluntarily. My hands are shaking uncontrollably. After what feels like half an hour Mr. W. Scott enters the room. He looks at my hands and checks something off on his clipboard.

“Stand” he says. I do. “Someone is here to see you. As they speak to you I will be nearby. If there is any violence, verbal or physical, I shall intervene at my discretion. Any violence on your part will result in your immediate expulsion from this facility. Is this understood?” I nod. “Bring him in.”

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 1

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You ever hear the phrase “Don't stick your dick in crazy”? Well, I'm one of those people that like to stick their dick in whatever you say I shouldn't. Oh, its been a while and I should probably introduce myself. My name is Alan Thompson and I'm an alcoholic.

Say hi.

Allow me to introduce you to everyone I've met so far in this lovely facility. Oh, and how lovely it is. Whatever your addiction is it will be cured with the help of our lovely facilitator, Mr. W. Scott. There's also his daughter Carol aka Softy. I don't know why she is here but I love her and want to marry her. So far she and her dad are two of the three people that have assaulted me in the last half hour since you and I last spoke.