Pick Me, Teacher!!!

I'm a fucking man-child. I am totally aware of this. I want as few responsibilities as possible, hate having to adult, and possess a very vivid memory particularly when it comes to the past and the opposite sex. In school I didn't have many attractive teachers. I don't even need one hand to count them all. I could have those honked up lobster hands and still have a digit left. I say all of this to defend my upcoming thoughts regarding this story of a 28 year old teacher named Haeli Wey from a high school in Texas called Westlake that had the sex with a couple of male students from her school. If you already have your comments regarding how terrible a teacher sleeping with a student is you can save it. I've done dozens of blogs like this one and am tired of defending my penis.

Now, from the jump this story is all kinds of wrong. Wey was on a trip with one of the boys family in Africa. For real. How about wondering why a teacher is going on a trip with the family of one of her students? The dad had to know something was up. One of the boys, I refuse to say victim, met her at a student ministry program and...wait. What? Red flag number one! In case you don't know, most religious based school programs are for hooking up. Later that summer their relationship became more physical on the trip to Africa. The muthafuckin' cradle of civilization! 

Women Don't Fight Fair

Women have never been known for fighting fair. They say men fight dirty. They do. I'm not gonna disagree with you if you said that. But women fight filthy plus not fair. The thing is when you fight a women expect her to take it to 11 instantly verbally and physically. Take this 18 year old girl that was having sex with a schoolmate on the bus. Yes, that is a thing that happened and the only reason I'm writing about it is because there was an arrest made. Why was there an arrest made?

She elbowed a boy's dick.

Now some 13 year old boy was watching this chick and some guy having sex around 3pm on the school bus and started to laugh when the girl made her pussy fart. (note: as soon as I wrote that I cackled out loud alone in my apartment because I'm immature) A trooper who wrote the report stated “Both the victim and the accused were riding school bus. The accused expelled wind from the vulva during coitus while at the back of the bus.” Most folks just call it a queef and it happens. Its a thing that can happen during sex and yes I have laughed when it has happened before. You can't laugh at every woman you have sex with when this happens though. You have to know her sense of humor. Otherwise she can hurt your dick parts.

Would You Have Sex With 100,000 People?

What makes someone want sex? Me, personally, its because it feels awesome...most times. There have been plenty of times where it just didn't feel good. The stars were not aligned and gods whose names we no longer speak for fear of retribution stir and it doesn't feel good to bone. What makes someone want to have sex with 100,000 people? I have no idea. But Ania Lisewka of Poland wants to do this. That number is not a typo. You know how many people attended the last Superbowl? 71,024. Add on about 29,000 and that is how many dicks she wants to occupy her body.

"It's okay! I brought the Wetwipes!"

Not at once. That isn't possible. The most I've ever seen was 6. You figure out how that looks because I'm not gonna describe it. If you had me sit and make a list of the amount of women I've ever wanted to have sex with in my life...it would be long. But not in the hundreds let alone thousands. Lisewska, who is 21, says that she is doing this as a statement about sex positivity. I have no idea what the fuck that means but what I do know is that I wouldn't touch this dame with a ten foot dick.

Dante Vs. Nature 24

Fucking lions, man. No, not, like, actual lions fucking which is hilarious. Just lions in general. The other day Cam called me and asked if I had heard a news story about a woman mauled by a lion at a sanctuary. I checked the internets and ended up finding another story about another woman being mauled and killed by a lion. The first one is a intern that worked at an animal sanctuary in Central California and police are trying to figure out what caused the attack. Hmm...one can only speculate.

The lion, 5 year old Cous Cous, attacked and killed the intern while she was in the lions enclosure. When cops arrived she had already been fucked up and lying near the lion. They tried to lure it away but it was full of human blood and didn't want to hear none of their shit so they shot it. Only one other employee was there since the park is closed on Wednesdays. This entire thing sounds like a recipe for disaster if you ask me which you didn't so I shall continue to provide my opinion.

The lion had been raised there since it was 8 weeks old. Its so weird to me that people think its tragic or act surprised when a big ass wild animal does what big ass wild animals do: attack things. And sleep. Lions that are locked up anywhere always look sad. I'm sure this one was just waiting for someone to slip.

Rosscast Episode 232: People Are Nuts

In this strange ass episode I talk about a daughter suing her dad in a Kid These Days segment, a human eating plant growing in New York, a restaurant not allowing kids to eat there, a new segment Bitches Be Crazy featuring dicks in garbage disposals, and We Going To Hell. Click here to download this and here for past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Rosscast Episode 216: Grown Old Ass Man

In this episode I talk about my birthday, Charlie Sheen being crazy (yet a hero), a woman feeling up her co-worker at a Waffle House, working, and bad orgasms. Click here to download this and older Rosscast shows. Enjoy!

Rosscast Episode 152: Virtually Virtual

Rosscast Episode 152

The Rosscast

In this episode I talk about the show Extreme Makeovers making folks broke, having the cops called on you for violent ass sex, an actor from Buffy the Vampire Slayer being tasered by cops (TWICE!), Dear Abby questions asked for her and answered by me, and the return of the Bad Parent of the Week! Click here to download this episode and click here to download and subscribe through iTunes. Enjoy!

Rosscast Episode 149: Its Funny Because Its Not

Rosscast Episode 149

The Rosscast

In this episode I update the whole Erykah Badu and her ass nonsense, my last day at work, kids tasering themselves in class, I talk shit about kids, read from lists telling men how not to get laid and ways to get laid, and I also debut a new single from future hip-hop icon Botany Hill featuring Andrea Henry called “The Road” (download here) I also discuss Josh Smith and his show The Way Up. Click here to download the show and click here to subscribe through iTunes and listen. Enjoy!

Rosscast Episode 145: Golden Shower Anyone?

Rosscast Episode 145

The Rosscast

In this episode I talk about that fear monger Dr. Oz trying to get us scared of life, Michael Jackson’s crooked ass doctor, how it pays more to be bad, pitbulls attacking folks, Pam Anderson not being hot anymore despite what they say, and of course Tiger Woods and those nasty ass text messages he was sending. Click here to download this and older show and click here to subscribe through iTunes. Enjoy!

Rosscast Episode 110: Nasty Sumbitch

In this episode that should've been a hilarious reunion between me and Kiyoshi before my program decided to cock it up I talk about Warren Beatty banging 13,000 chicks, porn being way too rough, chicks making sexual rules, and why I dont feel like my real first name. Click here to download this and older Rosscast's. Enjoy!

Rosscast Episode 101: Team Ross

In this all over the damn place episode I talk about the other Dante Ross (he‘s way more popular than me), swine flu, Tiger Woods quitting vagina and golf, Chris Brown leaving twitter, kids smoking more weed than cigarettes, turning down sex, The Princess and The Frog and how Black folk ain’t happen with shit, and Miley Cyrus. Click here to download this and older Rosscast. Enjoy!

Rosscast Episode 91: Halle Barry Skin

In an episode where I was supposed to just talk about me as a kid I got on the topic of salad tossing, dating, annoying afflictions, celebrity sex tapes, why I'm not gay, mind bullets, wet dreams, and answered some listener questions. Click here to download this and older shows. Enjoy!

Rosscast Episode 17: Not Safe For Work!

In this episode I discuss porno videos, magazines, and as my late brother put it "The birds and the bees and the black eyed peas and gettin' between a girls' knees!" This is not safe for work unless you work somewhere where this is a normal conversation. In which case I suggest you find a new job.

Do Ya Wanna Touch? (Yeah!)

On Oprah earlier they had this lady talking to young teens about sex. These two 14 year olds in particular interested me. This lady asked them how long they planned on being together. The boys answer was close to 6 months. You could practically hear the girls heart break. She said she didn’t have a time limit on it. This boy could not dig himself out of this hole.

They were sitting there all lovey dovey until then. They were still holding hands but I started using my “Lie To Me” knowledge and watched her body change. She got quieter. She kept her legs crossed. It was bad. At that boys age you have not learned the art of shutting the fuck up and not making situations worse. Next they started talking about what would happen if the girl gets pregnant. Oh, the kid thought that it should be up to them whether or not they had sex. He said adoption (owned!) and would ask the chick if she would keep the baby (double owned!). Then the lady asked if he knew how to use condoms and he kinda got this face like, “What do I look? Retarded?” A little bit, yeah.

Another topic was the encouragement of young girls masturbating. A lot of older women got pissed at that. Mind you, these are the same pent up, pill popping, post partum, spending the 70’s through 80’s high women that loved free love and spread herpes like butter. Its funny how our parents fucked things up so irreparably are now asking why kids are so fucked up. Anyway, they said how we teach boys to masturbate more than girls. I started that shit so late my penis weeps for me. They say it gives girl a better sense of what she likes and has her not have to depend on a guy for satisfaction.

I agree.

This reminds me of the big fight a while back about teaching sex education in school. If parents weren’t talking about it and you didn’t find out about it from a sibling or friends, what option did you have? I am using me as an example. There was no internet when I was growing up. Hell, the internet wasn’t even cool until a couple years after I got out of high school. I heard things from my older brother. I listened to kids in school. There are some things people cant teach though. There was no manual on how to give head or finger a chick correctly (trim your nails and keep ‘em clean, guys).

If this not teaching shit keeps up the way it is you’re gonna have chicks that think they’re Virgins because they only have anal sex. Guys that fuck like rabbits and think they’re the shit. Penises being bitten because girls don’t know what they’re doing. Oh, the humanity! I never had “The Talk” with my parents. They’re like plants to me. When I first had sex I had to just kinda wing it. Yes, it was bad. I wont get into the black condom, the filthy room, or the fifteen minute time limit. Trust me: it was bad.

This was also a shock to me. I always thought that guys couldn’t have bad sex. I had heard chicks talk about bad sex. His dick was short. Too big. Too thick. Too skinny. It was like some sick ass version of Goldiecocks and the Three Dicks. But I thought that once a guy was in there he was all kinds of happy. This reality slammed my brain hard as I struggled with how I felt and wondered if I would ever want to have sex again. Of course I did. Don’t be silly. I hope people get their shit together and start talking about sex more openly. You don’t have to be graphic and talk about how big your shit is or what it tastes like. Just don’t keep it in the sheets the way it has been for so long. Everyone likes to pretend they aren’t sexual when we all are. Just whip it out, folks.

Rockets.

"We're Goin' Back In Time!"

I have always wondered what I would say to myself if I went back in time and could give myself some advice. The picture above is from last year and when I was 17. Look at that neck. Man, I remember what it was like to be that skinny and cringe. Now guys are trying to get that bony on purpose. Scary. That picture also had to have been taken sometime close to when I lost my virginity. Here is what a conversation would have been like.

17: Where did you come from?

30: The future.

17: Liar.

30: We don’t have that much time. Listen, you skinny son of a bitch.

17: When did I start cursing?!

30: In about 5 years. But that’s not important. Don’t have sex.

17: Nobody is trying to have sex with me. Right?

30: That’s what I thought, I mean you thought. But she wants to but you cant do it.

17: Why? I’ve been wanting to have sex for years now!

30: Dude, trust me.

17: I still say “dude”? Really? That’s sad.

30: Yes, and you still say “really?” so get over it.

17: Okay, say I believe you. What should I do? How do I know the day I’ll have sex? Is there a sign?

30: There are so many signs! You ruin Charlie (note: Charlie is a jacket that belonged to my grandfather) on a telephone pole, miss the bus, and get a ride from Gloria and Cejo.

17: Oh, God…

30: Exactly. So on that day just stay at home. Go play a video game. Paint your nails. Whatever. Just don’t go over her house.

17: Okay. Thanks.

30: No problem, fool. And don’t worry about being this skinny forever. There is so much I want to tell you but I don’t wanna fuck up time space and all that science shit. There is some rough times coming but at least I can help you out with this.

17: Whatever, dude. How old are you anyway?

30: I’m 30. Not bad, huh?

17: At least I grew some more.

30: Yeah. So remember: No sex until you’re past 25. And don’t date anyone else.

17: Are you kidding?!

30: Not at all! For serious, don’t date. Don’t have sex. I know it seems crazy but its not. You’ll save us a lot of grief.

17: I’ll try.

30: That’s all I can ask. Oh, and get a job. Now! And you start going to church…

17: Huh…?!

I could tell myself all kinds of other crap like about the death of my brother but I think that I would send myself into a horrible ass depression. Hell, maybe by telling myself not to have sex I would have had sex with someone even worse. Who knows? That’s the problem with time travel. I would tell my 5 year old self that my teeth grow in right and I do get tall. I would tell junior high me that I don’t stay fat and grow. I would tell 21 year old me to get out of my relationship and concentrate on writing more. There is so much crap you could tell the younger versions of yourself but you never know what would happen to you. I guess its good that time travel doesn’t exist.

Yet.

Rockets.

"Let Me Cut Your Cake With My Knife..."

LEXINGTON PARK, Md.- Some sexual experimentation landed a southern Maryland woman in a hospital with injuries tough to imagine and even more difficult to forget.

Maryland State Police airlifted the 27-year-old woman to Prince George's County Hospital Center early Sunday morning after she was injured in an incident involving a sex toy attached to a saber saw blade, TheBayNet.com first reported. The man who called 911 about the incident admitted attaching the sex toy to the saw and then using the high-powered, homemade device on his partner, according to the St. Mary's County Sheriff's Office.The saw cut through the plastic toy and wounded the woman, according to TheBayNet.com. The injuries were severe enough for medevac, but the woman was released from the hospital Monday and is recovering from her unusual injuries.

Investigators talked to the woman, who told them she suffered the injuries during a consensual act and that she and her partner were trying something new and no crime was committed, the sheriff's office said.

At what point does normal ass sex become not enough? No, I don’t mean normal anal sex. See, when I first heard this story I thought, “Man, I have seen some wild shit before but this takes the cake!” I thought it was a drill that was used. But then I figured, why don’t I see what a saber saw is. I wish I hadn’t.

Now, I imagine that they placed a sex toy over the saw instead of just replacing the blade with a sex toy. Either way, this is some worse case scenario stuff. “What’s the worse that could happen from us doing this?” This. This is the worse that could happen. Everyone does stupid crap. At some point in our lives something dumb will happen and maybe we’ll get hurt. We wont wanna tell anyone or go to a doctor. In this case you have to. No band aid is gonna fix this. Its like when they dude let that horse destroy his…ass. He was too ashamed to go to a hospital and died from his injuries.

I worked in a hospital and the crazy thing is that people tend to lie to their doctors. The few occasions that I had to go to the hospital I was telling them everything they needed to know to make a problem go away. Thankfully I never had something happen so severe that I had to stay overnight. But with a saw slicing your vajayjay in two? At least they did something right that night. I cant believe she was released so soon. The miracles of modern science!

This is also one of those times where I wonder who initiated this. I have heard of chicks doing some stupid stuff and wondered how a guy could be that convincing. Because if the chick was the one to say, “Hey, baby. Go to the garage and get your saw…” then the world is way stranger that I had previously believed.

Rockets.