What L.A Is ACTUALLY Like For Visitors

I saw a post from a site I don't care to mention where they listed 21 Things You Have To Explain To Out Of Towners Visiting Los Angeles. That is a ridiculously long title for anything. Hell, even the bible is just two words. I'm not gonna sit here and cover all twenty one things he wrote about because he's not worth it. So I will show what they wrote, their explanation, and my comments.

To whoever wrote this article, please stop saying “us.” You don't represent L.A. You come across as those people that move here from another state and become a cartoon version of L.A. I read some of the comments people have been making on your post and laughed because you're a senior editor.

“We've all had visitors who show up here to couch-crash, carless, and -- while you may be laughing at their face while they talk about 'just taking public transportation' while they're in town -- it's not really their fault that they have NO IDEA WHAT LA IS REALLY LIKE. Here are some things you should give them a heads-up on.”

Shit Just Got Real 18

Fuck. That was the first thing I said when I saw this story. An old man, Joseph Vallenti, celebrated his 96th birthday and his family got him a cake. That's nice. My birthday is next week and no one is getting me a cake. So his family got him his favorite cake, German apple, and he cut into it and got the worst surprise anyone could ever get. Rat.

He got it from King Kullen which is a grocery store in Commack, New York. After he ate it he got stomach pains and diarrhea which at the age of 96 you can only hope that isn't the beginning of your death. Seriously, he's 96 fucking years old. He has survived so much crazy shit in the world and a rat infested cake could've taken him out. A guy that is dating his niece said that he saw what appeared to be a tail sticking out the cake.

Cue Sad Hulk music...

This is when shit gets real.

Women Don't Fight Fair 4

This 58 year old lady named Maria Montenez-Colon in Punta Gorda, Florida (my spell check hates so much of that first sentence) asked a cop to give her some ass. Yeah. That happened. If I was a cop I'm sure that most of my time would be split between beating the shit out of bad guys and hiding the bodies or having sex. But not with this woman. I'm never that horny. Ever.

She called the police because she wanted her Corvette that she had signed over to her stepson back. No take-backsies! The cop that showed up said that she was all kinds of drunk and asked him if he were married. He warned her that she was using 911 wrong and handed her his card. Foul. He knows he was wrong or doing that.

Five Things I Learned Working In Reality Television

From February of 2010 until December of 2013 I worked in reality television. I started off as a transcriber which is a job that I had no idea even existed until I got it. The job consisted of watching interviews that ranged from minutes to hours and writing down every single um, err..., and stammer that is used in shows. I eventually went on to logging, assistant editing, and even some story producing that I'll never be credited with. Hell, on one show I did something that I'm not even sure what the title could be called!

Reality television employs thousands of people yet you will always hear people talk about how it ruined television and is bad for the world. Oh, shut up. Its not all that bad. I've worked on six seasons of Hell's Kitchen, Marcel's Quantum Kitchen, Face Off, The Ultimate Gamer, Little People Big World, a show that never got picked up starring Jenny McCarthy, and The Glass House. Don't bother checking for me on IMDB because I filled out one part and said “Fuck it” because it takes too long. Between all of these shows I learned a shit ton of things but I'll only talk about a few in the Five Things I Learned Working In Reality Television.

Kids These Days 33

I have a feeling that in a few years kids are gonna be getting high off of microchips. No matter what you do as a parent or government kids are gonna find a way to get high. If the world came close to ending and society tried to rebuild itself, in the first week people will invent a new way to get drunk and/or high. The new thing down in Memphis is being called “glass cleaner.”

They have names like bullet premium glass cleaner and eight ballz glass cleaner. They say it is like the bath salt craze and has the effects of using meth and cocaine. Great.

The thing about this drug is that it isn't smoked. You'd probably blow your damned face off if you tried. Please try. The Erf doesn't need you. Anyhoot, it can be snorted or injected because fuck a future, right? An emergency director Stanley Thompson says “They can be highly psychotic, agitated, and combative. It can make you feel invincible. You think you can fly and the next thing you know you're jumping off on top of a building.” Damn. I think I may have used this stuff as a teen.

Inside The Actor's Studio Questions

There is that show Inside The Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton and I love it. My favorite part is near the end when he asks famous folks these ten questions. Since I'll never be on that show or meet Lipton I have decided to answer the questions myself because I am being really lazy about editing my latest Ross Radio Show.

What is your favorite word?

Nope.

What is your least favorite word?

Maybe.

Only In Florida 7

“Because Florida...” needs to become an acceptable way of responding to something honked up happening. A teacher named Jennifer King Forshey who is 58 made a 10 year old boy use his bare hands to unclog a urinal at school. She had said that the boy had clogged the toilet before and told him to go unclog it. I would've been like “Hell. No” and just took my punishment which in Florida could've been anything from the One Inch Punch to alligator wrangling. So he chose to unclog the toilet.

Nope!

He tried to use a dry towel to remove the wet ones when...wait. Why was there even toilet paper in the urinal? I have seen this phenomena before and it always grosses me out. I just don't get why guys have to be so damned nasty with stuff. Anyhoot, the kid did it and went to the principal's office not to report what this punk ass teacher did, but to ask for soap because there wasn't any in the bathroom. Another teacher says that they heard Forshey tell the kid to do this nastiness. She was arrested, charged with felony battery of a child, and got out on $1000 bond.

We Going To Hell 5

Dudes are weird. We just are. There are times when guys either hate someone so much or love someone so much that they whip their junk out and do strange shit with it. Like beating off in someone's shoes. Hello, Timothy Margis. This 39 year old freak was arrested after leaving his love potion in a female coworker's shoes. This happened in Illinois at Concordia University whose motto is “At your service” which he took too seriously.

Margis was seen coming out of the office of this lady when she saw him leaving while buttoning his pants and fastening his belt. Ladies, if you ever enter a room that doesn't begin with “bath” and a guy is leaving while his pants are unhitched, just call the police. Its safe to assume that a crime has been committed. Which there was. Because he jerked off in her shoes. She found a “clear liquid” in them and probably gagged and screamed. I know I would. When she asked him why he was in there he said he was checking it because it was unlocked. Guess that turned him on. Nothing like an unlocked door to get my motor revved up because opened doors are like metaphors for vajayjays. Right?

Cool Shit Black People Invented: Phil Brooks

Who wants needles?! Well, thanks to Phil Brooks we no longer have to all share syringes. There is no picture that I could find of him because racism. In 1974 he got the patent for disposable syringes because I am assuming that before then people just used a needle, ran it under water, and just jabbed it into someone else which is just gross. Can you imagine how before Brooks made this people were just using the same damned needles? No wonder we got all these crazy ass diseases. Its our parents faults!

I really wish I could find more information about this guy but there's nothing. How can someone invent something just a few years before I was born but not have any photos available? I don't get shots done but I know a few people that work with needles and they should thank this man. Otherwise you would be giving shots to people or injecting folks and just rinsing it off in the sink and using them all over again. I'm sorry, I can't get over how nasty that is. Thanks, Mr. Brooks!

Click here for previous Cool Shit Black People Invented.

Dude, What The F**k?! 4

You lay with dogs you get fleas. You sleep with whores you get the herpa-derp. You play with snakes because somehow Jesus told you to you get bitten and die. Pastor Jamie Coots who was (past tense) on a show called Snake Salvation got his hand bitten by a viper. He believed that handling snakes was part of god's commandments and god's will. How can he get folks to believe that crazy shit but I can't get chicks to believe that red draws help keep the devil away?! Anyhoot, he got his ass bit and died.

“When I first started church I said if I ever went to a hospital or a doctor over a snake bite I would quit church” he once said because he's not a quitter. He got bit once before and instead of going to the doctor he let the shit rot and fall off like some kinda church lovin' zombie. Then because he's a sucker for romance he kept it in a jar for his wife. Police came to help his dumb ass but he was already gone by the time they arrived because he is serious when it comes to getting bit.

Shit Just Got Real 17

When I first heard this story I thought it was made up. Not sure why I did because it it had happened in Florida I would've have just nodded and wrote a post about it. The story coming out of Essex which is somewhere across the sea about a chick, Torz Reynolds who is 26, getting upset at her boyfriend and slicing off her tattoo. I know that people get mad after being cheated on or broken up with, but come the fuck on!

She dated a 26 year old guy named Stuart “Chopper” May who told her that he had to move to Alaska because he was starting a new job. If anything if I were here I would have felt like an idiot for getting some guys name tattooed on me. Do that if someone is dead because they can't leave you and get any deader. But if you are dating someone and do this you're just asking for trouble. And by trouble I mean that he just moved back home and got a new woman. Damn. How bad do you have to want to get away from someone to make up that strange ass lie?

Don't...don't you want me?

You should stop reading right about here unless being grossed right the fuck out is fine with you because shit gets real.

Five Things I Learned Being Recruited

For anyone that doesn't know, at one point in time I was in the military. Even writing that feels like a lie for many reasons one being that I never even went to basic training. More on that later. People who know me but don't know that I enlisted in the National Guard and then Army Reserve will laugh because they know who I am and how I behave and the idea of seeing me saluting or doing anything remotely related to following orders funny. This is Five Things I Learned Being Recruited.

This all started because me, an ex girlfriend, and a dead guy (not a military related death) decided that if we took these equivalency tests that we could get out of our first three periods of class. That sounded like a great idea! We get to the room they're doing this and its full of fuck ups. Just terrible ass students. Not just in a school sense, but just life. Just kids you knew would grow up to commit crime. So we finish the tests and forget about it until months later when during an assembly they tracked us down. The dead kid didn't do too well so they got at me and my ex. They told us what we did well on (I mastered nerdy shit like communications) and I was tricked into joining the National Guard. Then levels of nonsense I was unaware of began.

The Coldest I've Ever Been

I am lucky enough to have been born in Los Angeles. I say lucky because the weather here is pretty damned consistent. We tend to stay in the 70's and 80's for weather even during the winter. It doesn't rain often which at the moment is biting us in the ass. My state is thirsty! There has been crazy ass weather all over the country and world. I have read on the east coast how it just keeps on snowing or from friends in Canada how crazy its been. Here is a view from my window at this moment.

Ta-daaaaaaaaaaa!

Its 71 degrees (22 Celsius to everyone else) and very nice. This is what its like in the dead of winter. Back when I was little it used to rain. It would rain for a few weeks straight and the streets would flood and everyone would complain. I didn't because I would always play in the rain. But there was an instance where it rained and I was so cold that I thought I was going to actually die. No joke. I thought that I'd never know what it was like to be warm again.

Five Things I Learned Living In West Hollywood

I have now lived in the city of West Hollywood for almost as long as I lived in Los Angeles and honestly that thought is kinda depressing. I first moved her and lived with my ex girlfriend and her family when I was 18 and a few months out of high school. The plan was to stay maybe a year or so while working and then in a year or so get my own place back in Los Angeles. Obviously that didn't happen.

Over all these years here I've learned quite a few things about this city, the people, and its culture. I'm gonna talk about a few of them in this Five Things I Learned Living In West Hollywood. Some of these may seem obvious to some of you reading this but growing up where I did and how I did this stuff caught my ass by surprise.

Only In Florida 6

Have you ever wanted to go to a high school reunion and beat up someone that upset you when you were younger? Some people don't have that level of patience and decide to fight people just a year after they've gotten out of school. Allow me to introduce you to Sarasota, Florida teen Asia Odom who was just hankerin' to do some spankerin'!

Asia showed up at Booker High to confront a 15 year old girl after getting into a fight on Facebook. Police say that Asia lied about being invited to the school by the girl but its the future and there were cameras around to show that she was lying. She saw the girl sitting in the cafeteria and knocked her down and started fighting her. Two school officials broke them up and Asia was charged with trespassing and misdemeanor battery. She was released on $620 bail.