Only In Florida 14

Its time to bring this back. I've been doing more Florida based stories but not having them in this segment and that's just silly. This 46 year old mother (and its a hard 46) named Rachel Salters was arrested for attacking her 12 year old son with a bag of potatoes. Yeah. That is a thing that happened. It started when he asked her to make him some dinner and ended with an attack. No reports say what was said that happened in between those two actions which I think is important to know. When Rachel started hitting the kid, let's call him Spud, with the bag he ran into the bathroom and locked the door. 

Well, that wasn't stopping Rachel who Kool Aid Man'd her way through the locked door and continued hitting him with the bag. When the bag broke because shit is cheaply made nowadays, she started throwing individual potatoes at him as he hid between the toilet and bathtub. When police arrived and asked her about the bathroom door she said “I don't know.” Then after she was arrested she said “I didn't hit him with the potato, I only threw it at him!” That feeling you just had? That's called confusion. She also stated that it isn't a crime that she hit him because she only threw the potatoes at him. Spud was not hurt and Rachel was charged with felony child abuse and tampering with evidence for moving potatoes after cops told her not to. 

Only In Florida 13

Ew. 42 year old Christopher Mitchell who stands at 5'6” and weighs 450 pounds (32 stone to my foreign readers) was arrested after it was discovered that he was hiding weed in his fat rolls. During a traffic stop police pulled Mitchell's driver buddy Keithian Roberts over because Mitchell did not have a seat belt on. Yeah. I'm sure that's why the initial stop occurred. Mitchell said that he was too big for the seat belt. Police say they both got nervous so the police called in the drug dog. Of course they are nervous! They're Black and live in Florida!

You gon' eat yo cornbread...?

They ended up finding 23 grams of weed in his fat, $7000, a gun, and some cocaine. I don't think the rest of that stuff was found on the fat rolls but you never know. 450 pounds provides a lot of hiding places. Police also found a shit ton of carpet freshener and dryer sheets on the trunk which is apparently used to disguise the smell of weed. Nothing hides the smell of weed. Let me just put that out there. If you get high at work all you co-workers know. You're not fooling anyone. They just haven't told on you yet.

Only In Florida 12

If I told you a story about a pregnant woman who while left alone in a hotel as her partner was out gave birth to her two months premature child in a bathtub you'd call her a hero. What if I also added that she bit through the umbilical cord with her teeth because she had no other means to do it. And then she gave the child CPR to keep it alive for an hour to keep it alive. But then I ruin the whole thing by saying that she was on crack while all of this happened because Florida. Thanks to Heather for sending this madness to me because people who know me know I love crazy.

Pictured: champion.

Chrystal Hassell, 37, of Ocala, Florida was in a hotel room when she decided that crack was just what you do when you're pregnant and already have an 11 month old child. Her unborn baby ruins her crack habit by, you know, deciding to be born so it decided it wanted to come on out. She contacted her man, Vincent Terry, and he started racing to get back to her. He was pulled over by police who normally will help you out in situations such as this. But there was one little problem.

Terry was wanted for attempted murder in Colorado.

Only In Florida 11

This teacher in Florida was suspended without pay before eventually being shitcanned for allegedly ordering some students to kick another students' ass. When I first heard about this I was kinda skeptical. “No one can be that stupid” I thought but then the voice in my head that sounds like Charlie Brown said “Florida” and I nodded to myself in understanding. Dru Dehart got into a disagreement with a student and went all Godfather on his ass.

Allow it.

Radravious Williams...goddamn it. Really with this name? Anyhoot, the kid was surrounded by a pack of older kids and they went berserk on his ass. Dehart just walked away as the kid became a new sidewalk. After half an hour of deliberating about it the jury chose to have her fired and not, like, droptoe hold onto a steel chair. A representative for the school district said the teacher “made a very poor decision that day” in using “students to carry out discipline.” You think?!

Only In Florida 10

Heidi sent me a link to this woman in Florida that ran out of shits to give and I think I'm in love. Sandra Suarez, 41, who is a Colombian woman that has lived in Florida for the past 15 years. Video from a local McDonald's popped up online showing her in the establishment wearing nothing but a thong and flashing her glorious Colombian boobs. I have a thing for that country. Never want to visit though. Just admire it from afar like I do most women in my life.

Double double cheese cheese burger burger please.

This all started when she went into a Mickie D's and offered an employee head in the parking lot. He turned her down for whatever reason and as I sit here I can't think of why. I mean, she looks “clean.” Maybe it was her delivery. Either way he said no and she decided that it was clobberin' time! In the video she is pushing registers off the counter. Smashing the fridge door. Slamming her head on the counter. Throwing condiments all over the place. Then she dunked her head under the ice cream machine and downed some of it and then chilled for a few seconds just savoring this strange new land she was currently occupying. She later walks off camera and near the fryer which is good for no one.

A cop eventually showed up and she made sexual suggestions towards him. She was sent to a hospital, charged with resisting arrest with criminal mischief and then released on $7,000 bond. She says that if this whole thing gets to be too much for her kids that she may return to Colombia.

Only In Florida 9

You know that thing when kids get in trouble and their names aren't released because they're minors? Not in Florida! 15 year old Nicholas Lucari is facing felony charges after messing with the drink of his 69 year old teacher Dale Dawson Yount. This kid is going to be in for a world of trouble.

Cue sad Hulk Music.

While in school he decided that it would be funny/cool/interesting perhaps to put a hand sanitizer, Germ-X, into his teacher's Diet Coke. That drink is already bad enough without some punk ass kid adding shit to it. The police report says that Nicholas “did willfully, intentionally, and with the intent to injure” Yount and he's been “ suspended from school pending an expulsion hearing.” The teacher starting feeling sick after having the drink and went to a hospital.

Only In Florida 8

A Florida grandmother was arrested for just being a drunk, nasty ass. 53 year old Christine O'Keefe was watching her granddaughter who is 2 years old. Such a sweet age. Except when your granny is a drunkard and you're left in her care! When Christine's daughter Jessica Caldwell who is the mother of the child came home and saw that her mama had been boozing it up when she is supposed to be watching her kid because Florida.

Pictured: party animal.

The two of them started yelling at each other and since that's not enough Christine decided to hit her daughter in the face with a used diaper. Was it full of poop or pee? Who cares?! Who in the hell throws a diaper at someone?! A savage, that's who. Monkey do that. After taking a diaper to the face Jessica hit her mother in the brow. Hopefully with he fists because one diaper being thrown is more than enough.

Only In Florida 7

“Because Florida...” needs to become an acceptable way of responding to something honked up happening. A teacher named Jennifer King Forshey who is 58 made a 10 year old boy use his bare hands to unclog a urinal at school. She had said that the boy had clogged the toilet before and told him to go unclog it. I would've been like “Hell. No” and just took my punishment which in Florida could've been anything from the One Inch Punch to alligator wrangling. So he chose to unclog the toilet.

Nope!

He tried to use a dry towel to remove the wet ones when...wait. Why was there even toilet paper in the urinal? I have seen this phenomena before and it always grosses me out. I just don't get why guys have to be so damned nasty with stuff. Anyhoot, the kid did it and went to the principal's office not to report what this punk ass teacher did, but to ask for soap because there wasn't any in the bathroom. Another teacher says that they heard Forshey tell the kid to do this nastiness. She was arrested, charged with felony battery of a child, and got out on $1000 bond.

Only In Florida 6

Have you ever wanted to go to a high school reunion and beat up someone that upset you when you were younger? Some people don't have that level of patience and decide to fight people just a year after they've gotten out of school. Allow me to introduce you to Sarasota, Florida teen Asia Odom who was just hankerin' to do some spankerin'!

Asia showed up at Booker High to confront a 15 year old girl after getting into a fight on Facebook. Police say that Asia lied about being invited to the school by the girl but its the future and there were cameras around to show that she was lying. She saw the girl sitting in the cafeteria and knocked her down and started fighting her. Two school officials broke them up and Asia was charged with trespassing and misdemeanor battery. She was released on $620 bail.

Only In Florida 5

This story has everything you'd want with a Florida based tale. Fire. Shotgun to the face. Arrest. Masturbation. Just...everything. Kenneth Haskins, 58, was asked by his apartment management to stop jerking it in front of his window where everyone could see him. No one wants to see a 58 year old masturbating. No one. Not even if you're married to them. Once you see this guys face and imagine him jerking it you're either gonna do like me and crack up laughing and hopefully holding a spot for me in hell or you're gonna feel sad because you have that stuff. What's it called? Oh, right. Sympathy.

He got pissed because he felt that if he wanted to have happy hands in front of his window then damn it he should. So he set the apartment on fire. He set fire to the bedroom and kitchen using some sorta flammable liquid. When found, which couldn't have been that difficult trust me, he told them that the management had recently told him to stop having fun in front of his window and doorway. Wait. Ew. The doorway? That's just foul. He's gonna be charged with arson and no bail has been set because Florida.

Only In Florida 4

Crime in Miami is tired of attacking people the good old fashioned way. Fists? What is this? 1998?! Its all about smacking folks with penis now. During a home invasion robbery a 31 year old woman was slapped by a dick when she refused to fork over cash. This all started when her father in law opened the door at 3am and the criminals forced their way in. Wait. What?

First off, if someone is knocking on my door at 3 in the morning they are wasting their time. They can be screaming about free cookies and I'm still not opening the door. Second, why is a 31 one year old staying with their father in law? It ain't the holidays! This is all weird. Oh, wait. Florida. Nevermind. Got it. So these two guys come in, get past this ineffective dude, and aim a gun at the woman's head and scream “Bitch, where is the money?!”

Only In Florida 3

You ever get so mad at someone that you bust a toilet seat lid over their head? Me neither. At least not yet. Who knows what the future holds?! A dude in Florida named Norris Troutman who is 20 years old and 6 foot 6 got his ass arrested on a felony battery charge for hitting his uncle, that is disabled, in the head with a toilet seat cover for apparently no reason whatsoever.

His uncle, Sammy Lee Johnson and 48, was sitting on the couch watching TV with his mom when Norris just came into the living room and walloped him with the damned thing. His uncle said he was “was unsure why Mr. Troutman was upset with him” and “did nothing to provoke the attack.” What confuses me about this story other than the fact that a dude attacked someone with this choice of weapon is where he got it from.

The window sill.

Only In Florida 2

People like sex with other people. But sometimes people aren't available so you go to the next best thing: a sex doll. I don't mean one of those expensive ones that talk to you and feel, like, real. I'm talking about the Jenna Jameson Extreme Doll! This thing isn't cheap. It ranges from $300 to almost $600. Ain't nobody got money for that! So you steal it like this dude in India River County, Florida did.

At Inner Secrets adult novelty store in Vero Breach some dude started asking the cashier about the doll. Suddenly, with the speed that only a very horny man has, and took off out the store. The cashier could not give a description of the guy to cops because, honestly, most pervs look the same. Source: working in a porn shop for seven years. Whenever someone wanted to know about something expensive when I worked at the porn shop I always made sure it was in snatching it back distance, by the way.

Only In Florida

As you all know by now, I wrapped up the final episode of my show, The Rosscast. On that show I had a segment called Only In Florida where I would cover the crazy ass amount of stories that came out of that state. The end of my show meant the end of that segment. Or did it?! No. It didn't. I shouldn't have yelled. I have continued doing my Bad Parent of the Week in the form of Parents Failing Hard, Shit Just Got Real, Dude What The Fuck?!, and Kids These Days. Now I introduce the continuation of Only In Florida.

Meet Jennifer Feagley. She is a 6 month pregnant 24 year old Florida woman who...wait. She is only 24? Jesus. I mean...whoa. Okay. Moving on. She assaulted her 59 year old roommate (read into that however you want!) Patricia Marson. Can't blame her. Patricia's tend to be the type of women that get attacked by others. Jennifer blamed her attack on her roommate on hormone problems due to her pregnancy. I get that. When chicks are pregnant all kinds of strange and magical things happen to their bodies. I mean, a baby is growing in their body! That is fucking insane! But then I found out why she attacked her roommate.