The Seven People You Meet Around New Years

It is almost a new year and when the New Year's comes people get weird as fuck. That is why I have written The Seven People You Meet Around New Years. This is a quick guide to recognizing who is around you at this time of year and you may find yourself in one of these. You probably will. Not me though. Why? Because I'm the greatest man that ever lived and a goddamn national treasure that needs to be respected as such, that's why. Stop asking so many questions. And I stay home. On New Year's I have been to churches, raves, parties, in the streets, and just stayed my Black ass at home. I prefer the last one because I will not bump into any of the things on my list. But if anyone wants to swing on over for a free mustache ride...

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 2

Click here for Part 1.

Just as I finished getting dressed in my black jeans, turquoise Converse, and gray t-shirt my phone rings. I know the number. It's the president with a small P. I ignore the call and go fix my hair. My phone rings again and I continue to ignore it because fuck that guy. The public thinks he is all cool and smooth like “Ooh, look at me. My name is all crazy but I'm still the president from Chicago.” He has a Mortal Kombat character name.

“Why aren't you answering the phone?” Ronica shouts to me from downstairs. “You know he's gonna just keep calling.”

“Let him keep calling I don't even care” I say. “He probably knew that aliens were on their way weeks ago and decided to try and be the big man and not tell me.” I decide to check the messages president left.

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 1

“I am rock hard right now!” I screamed. Ronica woke me up at 8 in the morning which meant that either she was ready to have her pants raided like a village or the planet was being invaded. Either way I win. I headed downstairs and Ronica, Milly, Zazz, and Aimee were all watching the TV looking nervous. The reporter was sweating through his makeup while I stretched and regretted getting this 7K HD television.

“...continue to come in with a strange communication from a large ship just beyond the moon. Reports say that the ship is possibly twelve miles in diameter and...”

“Why didn't they call me as soon as they saw this shit?” I ask no one.

“Maybe they wanted to handle it themselves” Zazz said through a mouthful of eggs and cheese.

“You look like a gerbil eating another gerbil” I told him and high-fived Milly who pointed at Zazz and laughed. “She smart. Well, if the government wanna act like that then they can just fight these aliens alone. I won't lift a single well manicured finger to help. Not one!”

72 Inch Ass

I saw a woman with a 72 inch ass. Not in, like, real life. But online. By the way, for those of you that use words like “triggered” or say things like “it's their body they can do what they want” you should just click away from this right now unless you want to debate someone that only debates things like Batman, the best wrestlers from the 80's, and making bets on the next time I get some ass. You still here? Okay good. Now prepare to have some random ass Black dude talk to you about some woman in Europe that decided to mutilate her body. “But you have tattoos, Dante! You have damaged your body as well!” Ah, fuck off. It's not the same and you know it.

Dante Vs. Nature 72

The thing that I don't like about the outdoors is that nature is always hiding some weird shit from me. Like this thing. It's called the Patagonian mara. For sure pick a species. For sure you're a dog. For sure you're a rabbit. Either way my ass is not going near this. It looks shifty. Like it could either twitch its nose at you wanting some lettuce or start barking at your ass. Definitely bark. 

It can get two and a half feet big and weigh 35 pounds. Fuck that. It only has four digits on its front paws and three on the back because nature likes funsies as much as the next guy. Look at them legs. It's not structurally sound. If the mara was a building I'd be afraid to go in it. Now I wanna know what sounds this creature makes. If it doesn't bark its just pretending for the cameras. I wrote about this freak a while ago.

Dante Explains Shit: Net Neutrality

Lately I have been a hearing a lot about Net Neutrality. Well, that and the fact that Hollywood is just full of perverts. There are a lot of people talking about this but also squeezing in other bullshit to the point where it just sounds like noise to me and since I have the attention span of a priest at a Boy Scouts meeting I need shit explained to me simply. I'm sure some of you out there are the same way which is why I am doing this. Now let us figure out exactly what this is and why it will ruin your life.

KIds These Days 74

Kids these days are missing out on some great candy. Specifically bubble gum. When I was little I would always have something sweet in my mouth which is why my teeth were weak as green tea and rotted away or were easily knocked out. Dubble Bubble probably accounted for 30% of my tooth rot. These were cheap as hell and available anywhere. If you had a quarter which was hard to come by unless Grandmama was feeling generous you had five pieces and these things would last forever. I would chew these all day and fall asleep with a wad in my mouth and wake up looking like a spider had its way with my face. I would even take the wad out and stick it in my headboard and wake up and pop it in my mouth. Dental care, schmental care. I love chewing this cheap shit. Open up that package, lick some of that dust off (whatever the hell that was), and get to chewing for the next eight hours. Do kids even chew gum anymore? Like regular ass gum?

Hot Dog Bubblegum was not one of my favorites but for some reason I would end up with these tiny dicks in my mouth. They weren't hot or anything and the flavor went away faster than a Black father but I still liked them. You know that disgusting Fireball drink that folks like? They tasted kinda like that but without the horrible aftertaste and questionable sex. They had a slightly crunchy outside and suddenly cinnamon was forced into your mouth. These were not one of the cheaper gums so I didn't get it too often.

F**k Your Sign

Next to religious differences the next worse thing you can base a friendship or relationship on is zodiac signs. “Ooh, you're a Pisces?!” said no one ever. Dead serious. I spells it wrong most times. When someone asks me what my sign is I already know that it's not gonna make them happy. For whatever reason people do not like Pisces. I had no say in the matter of which month I was born in and even if I did I would not pick a particular one. It's not like I can say that one month is better than another. Here is my horoscope for today from a few sites.

“Career matters are probably going well for you, but you might be unsure if you want to continue along this track. You might consider other options, perhaps some you've always wanted to try but have never been in a position to do. Don't feel you have to decide now. You have plenty of time. Don't make a move until you're sure.”

The Whitest Of Knights

One time I looked at a woman across the street and wondered what she smelled like. Another time I liked one just because she had bomb ass legs. There was one that had the body of a Jessica Rabbit but the face of a Moe from The Simpson's and I wanted to volunteer as tribute. There have been countless ones that I have liked for purely physical reasons. There have been ones I liked that were ugmos but cool as hell and I even dated a couple. And hold on to your monocles because there have been women I've liked based purely on their hairstyle. We are living in a time right now where things you think let alone say can be used against you as a weapon and I am choosing to just opt out altogether.

There have been women I complemented only to hear them complain about the very thing I complimented them on. Saying something like “I like that shirt” ended with me staring at them as they spent the next two minutes telling me why they hated the shirt but “thanks.” It take a lot for me to compliment someone now because of that kinda shit. But now? Fuck complementing anything including the chef because anything can be taken as an insult. I used to say asshole guys ruined compliments to women or just straight up talking to them because because of them women had to walk around with their guard up. Facebook gave my cousin the option to report an image I made and I just laughed.

Don't Hate The Player

Now I saw this chick Kijuana Nige online a few days ago after I heard the story of the offensive line coach from the Miami Dolphins named Chris Foerster filming himself doing coke. I watched the video with sound and laughed my ass off seeing this man railing coke with some $20 bills and recording himself talking to a lady. I'm not sure why you would record that act since it would only be a good idea if you were on coke. Just answered my own question. In the video he says:

“Hey baby, miss you, thinking about you.” He continues “What do you think? Crazy? It's going to be awhile before we can do this again. But I think about you when I do it. I think about how I miss you, how we got together, how much fun it was. So much fun. Last little bit, before I go into my meeting. That fucked up babe? You think? I wish I was licking this off your pussy.” Now...come on. This guy is why I don't know how to talk dirty.

Dante Bitches About Ambitious Sex Positions

Goddamn it, Cosmo. I found this article called 5 Ambitious Sex Positions For the Brave and Flexible that should be called 5 Things To Do To End Up In The Hospital. I think this was made by someone that is trying to get people into a chiropractic office. By the way chiropractors are bullshit. Seriously. Look up who created it. Total bullshit and super dangerous. But this is not about that. This is about some sex positions written allegedly by a woman for you to try if you are dating a woman with loose elbows and a thick neck.

If you are daring, up for a challenge and super flexible, see if you can get yourself into one of these hardcore positions. Bonus points if you remember to stretch first.

Dante Vs. Nature 71

One of the reasons I am glad that I do these blogs other than the fact that it keeps me indoors is that I find out some interesting things about nature. And by interesting I mean terrifying. I just read a story about a guy in Texas that tried to shoot an armadillo. Yes. I said tried. It is reported that around 3am, which is the bitching hour, dude saw an armadillo in his yard and decided that it didn't belong there. So he took three shots at the damned thing.

One of the bullets bounced off the armadillo and hit his dumb ass in the jaw. He had to be airlifted to a hospital and had his mouth wired shut. I'm sure his wife who was inside is full of all the shame. A sheriff stated “We didn't find the armadillo” which means that there is a goddamn bulletproof armadillo running around the streets of Texas! I think if I saw an armadillo I would wait for it to curl into a ball. If it didn't I'd just shrug and walk away. Sure as fuck wouldn't take a shot at it.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 27

Jasmine has returned from Thailand for another episode! We talk about her trip which included not watching Thai fighting, talk about the list if anti-Dante, the health dangers of long ass flights, taste test some chips from Thailand, our Fat Tour, the world's largest woman dying, the Kardashian pregnancy epidemic, the magic of Dante's Spank Bank, not having kids for a while, Jasmine talks about people wanting photos because Black, and so much more nonsense. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

My Current Jam: Toni Storm

This is Toni Storm and she has the best ass in wrestling. That's right, I said it. The best. By far. Dare you to find a better one. Oh, and she can totally wrestle. She was born in New Zealand and lived in Australia but at 13 convinced her mother to let her move to England so she could train to be a wrestler because in Australia you don't say no to people, even children. She's only 21 now so she's pretty much a baby and I have zero chance with her because, like, she probably exercises and shit. Has to keep in shape and all that. So yeah. I first saw who she was watching the Mae Young Classic wrestling tournament and immediately became a fan.

Dante Bitches About 10 Things Guys Absolutely Hate About Missionary Sex

I dislike Cosmopolitan with the type of hatred reserved for people battling vengeful Roman gods that wipe out generations of children just to bone their mother. Every once in a while I'll check their site out to see what terrible advice they are giving women and men or to learn what not to do and complain about. In this Dante Bitches About 10 Things Guys Absolutely Hate About Missionary Sex I am gonna post what they have written, Frank Kobola (if that's his real name) and post my own response because that is what I do. Respond. Never act. I'm like the Floyd Mayweather Jr. of blogs. But taller. And less rich. And slightly more liked.

1) There's not much to see. In terms of tried-and-true “lie on top of each other and pork” style missionary, you’re not getting to see much of the action. Guys especially are very visual during sex, and as romantic as it is to stare into your eyes while boning, it isn’t exactly titillating. Yes, we love looking at your lovely face, but we get to see that every time we go out to dinner or brush our teeth together in the mirror. This is about sex, specifically nakedness. And virtually every other sex position imaginable gives guys a better look at your body.