Dante Saves You: Evil Doctor Edition

No one likes going to the doctor. You pay hundreds if not thousands of dollars to someone who puts their fingers in your holes and tells you that you’re dying…again. Best case scenario you are just a little bit less wealthy than you were when you entered. Worst case scenario you end up being in the same one with one of these sons of bitches.

This is a list of some honked up ass doctors. But don’t you worry your sexy little head, you. Seriously, have I told you how good you’ve looked lately? Well, you do. You lookin’ like a delicious ham sammich I wanna eat you you’re so good lookin’! One of these guys may wanna eat you as well but I’ll teach you how to beat or at least get away long enough to scream like a little girl in this Dante Saves You: Evil Doctor Edition!

It’s Dr. Hannibal Lecter

Oh, look. It’s a cannibalistic forensic psychiatrist that you need the help of in solving a crime. This guy is helping you find someone that skins women and wears them as a suit but he is somehow even more terrifying. Hannibal is way too smart, way too creepy, and way too people eatie to ever set free. Good thing he’s locked away, right?

Wait. He’s loose?! How in the hell did he--huh? He what? Then he did what?! Oh, shit! So let me get this straight. You set him in his own special cell where he could listen to music. He managed to get a guard into his cell and beat him to death. Then he chewed the guards face off, wore it, and then pretended to be that same guard and is on the lam? Damn, you are fucked. I mean…!

Solution

Whatever you do don’t talk to him! This crazy bastard can literally talk you into killing yourself. Ain’t nobody got time for that! And also, don’t tell him anything about your childhood. Don’t bring up the screaming lambs, your parents sucker punching you in your sleep, or creepy uncle Lemont that lived ‘round the corner from Pookie. He will twist it and the next thing you know there’s a necktie around your doorknob and you’re putting a lemon in your mouth just in case you don’t catch yourself in time when you…I’ve said too much.

It’s Dr. Seth Brundle

As if Jeff Goldblum isn’t creepy enough as it is. So you head back to this scientists home that you just met and he wants to show you a new machine he created. Teleportation, bitches! I mean, if I go to you house, male or female, and you have a teleportor I’ll drop my draws so fast it’ll burn my leg hair! So he fires up his sex machine, my panties get wet, and the next thing you know shit gets real weird real fast. You decide to keep hanging out because fuck you no one else you know owns a teleporter and then body parts start falling off.

Solution

"Do I have something on my face?"

Run! Aah! Get the fuck out of there! I’m not kidding. There are people I cant be around because they smell like ass and bad dreams let alone someone whose ear, nails, and face falls off. There is no amount of love that can keep you with this person. But that damned teleported sure is tempting…no! Run! Once you start eating your food, puking it out, and eating it again whatever we had is over. Its hard enough dating someone that does half of that. Oh, Karen Carpenter. You died hungry.

It’s Dr. Frank-N-Furter

You’re riding down the road and suddenly get a flat tire because we’re too stupid to have flying cars even though its 20-fucking-13. You head into a castle and wander into a weird ass convention of Transylvanian’s. Instead of running screaming into the night you decide to stay because you have an allergy to good decision making. Now that you’re stuck in this place with Frank-N-Furter who makes your pants tighter for no good reason its time for you to survive!

Solution

Don’t fuck him! Someone who calls himself a “Sweet Transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania” cant be any good for you. Whatever happens cant be talked about with your friends later. “Oh, I went to this castle and totally banged this trannie that looked like my girlfriend and then he banged her looking like me and--hey, where you going?!” The point is to keep it in your pants. Life is hard enough without searching for a cure for whatever this guy has.


It’s Dr. Moreau

So you end up on a strange ass island where Marlon Brando is running things. That is cause for alarm immediately! That dude got strange years ago and decided to stay that way. So as he mumbles his way around you start noticing that there are fucking animal people on the island! Not the hot Cheetara kind either though Fairuza Balk is there and she’s been making my pants tight for almost 30 years. I know she is half catlady but if you think that will stop me we must have just met!

What's new, pussycat?! Whoawhoawhoa-whoa!

Did I mention that Val Kilmer is there as well? This crazy train ain’t ever gon’ stop! You need to get off this island as fast as possible or else you’re gonna get turned into a half animal and it probably wont be a cool one like a wolf or tiger. You’ll fuck around and end up a were-turkey.

Solution

Well, what you can do first is--what the fuck is that thing sitting next to him?! Jesus H. Christ. I mean, I know I’m supposed to save you from Dr. Moreau, but we cant just ignore whatever the fuck that is. Shit. I’m not taking my eyes off you…thing. Uh, as for defeating the doctor it shouldn’t be hard. Its Marlon Brando. You can just tip him over and laugh as he does his best method acting as a turtle or just keep a few steps ahead of him. I doubt he’ll chase you unless you have a cheeseburger in your back pocket. Oh, you do have a cheeseburger in your back pocket? Are you trying to cut this mortal coil?! Drop that shit and run!


It’s Dr. Leiter

Wow. You and your friend got lost and arrived at this guys place. You’re stupid for not leaving as soon as he opened the door and had this face. In life some people are obviously evil and by god this guy is one of them. I mean come on with the come on! He looks like he has sexual assault for dinner and paint chips for dessert. I don’t care if you’re on fire and he’s the only one with a bucket of water you better stop, drop, and roll. Eyebrows are so overrated anyway. Okay, fine. You decide that you cant judge a book by its cover. You’re such a good person!

Solution

Who's hungry?!

Now that the book that you didn’t want to judge by its cover wants to make you a “human centipede” you feel stupid. And you should. No one wants to be a human centipede. For free. I can see that some of you don’t know what that is. Well, its when you are surgically connected ass to mouth to ass to mouth to ass to mouth to--you get the picture. I would assume that the best place to be is at the front. But let’s pretend that you still have the ability to yawn without blowing air up someone’s butt.

This guy isn’t big but he’s got crazy folk strength. If you manage to get out of your shackles and crawl out of the room--oh, you’re crawling because he’s jacked your knees up so you cant run. So yeah, you can crawl outdoors and inch your way to safety and hope that a car passes by this house in the middle of nowhere. You know what? If this guy manages to capture you chances are you’re a goofy ass person and deserve to be sewed to someone’s asshole. Maybe later you can get a tattoo commemorating this special time in your life.

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