My New Kitchen

Last week I got my kitchen redone. Before that I got my bathroom done because, seriously, my bathroom looked like hell. I hated if someone had to use my shower which happens like once every two years. I got the pervert window fixed and everything is groovy. So now came the kitchen. This nonsense dragged on for almost two weeks and involved so much bullshit happening. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

It started with a leak in my neighbors kitchen. That led to a hole being knocked in my wall under my sink. That led to my landlord offering to repair the whole thing which was awesome because I love how huge my kitchen is but the floor was shit and the counter was ridiculous. Even when it was clean it looked dirty. So the workers were supposed to come on a Monday so I gutted my kitchen. Emptied the cabinets, shelves, everything. My kitchen looked like hell.

"Scar Tissue" by Dante Ross

“You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.” - Julie de Lespinasse

Jock watched from his window as the car slowly drove by for the fifth time in an hour. He was not a suspicious man by nature but this was more than a coincidence to him. He placed his small handgun on his lap and let the curtain fall back into place. Wiping the sweat from his brow he stared at the glass of untouched vodka and ice that sat on the coffee table in front of him.

“You okay?” his twin sister Haley asked him from the living room doorway. Jock forced a small smile and nodded to her. Though they were twins Jock and Haley never formed the bond that most twins had throughout their formative years. This is due to the fact that Jock was kidnapped at the age of 3 and returned to the family at the age of 18. He was now 20.

“I’m fine, Haley” Jock said as he forced another smile on his face. “Its just…” he began before trailing off. Jock had a hard time speaking to anyone, including his sister. “There’s this car that keeps…I don’t know. It keeps going by.”

“So you have a gun?” she asked. “Have they stopped in front of the house?” Haley worried about Jock. It took her a while to get used to calling him by that name. He was born Howard but whoever it was that kidnapped him called him “Jock” and it is the only name he answers to. “I earned to keep this name” he told police when they found him wandering the streets of downtown Los Angeles wearing nothing but boxer briefs and covered in blood holding a steak knife. 

She worried about her brother and tried her best to allow him to open up in his own time. As a student at UCLA studying to become a child psychologist she fought hard to not look at him as a patient and more like her brother. “Its getting late. You going to sleep soon?” Jock placed the gun on the table next to the glass of vodka and stood.

“Yeah?” he said. It sounded more like a question than an affirmation of the fact that he intended to sleep. He stretched his arms and splayed his fingers. Jock and Hazel, while twins, looked like complete opposites of one another. Haley was just a hair over five feet tall and weighed 105lbs. on a bad day. Her black hair kept short and her thick black framed glasses which hid her green eyes and seemed to always slide until they reached the tip of her nose. Jock on the other hand stood six foot three and weighed close to 260lbs. He too had black hair but shaved it very close to his scalp. His eyes were small and a metallic grey. “Do you miss your parents?” he asked Haley.

Old School Cereals

Cam sent me this Yahoo article about these old cereals that they wish would come back. Now, my parents will never win an award for best parent of the year, but they were good at getting cereal that was full of sugar that lasted for a few months or until the movie came out or the cartoon was canceled. The sad thing is that I've eaten every one of these cereals on the list.

I've decided that I'll show all the ones they've listed and give my take on whether or not they need to be brought back because they're a few that tasted like complete ass. Let's begin!

Dunkin' Donuts

I can vaguely recollect this one but as soon as I saw the box I thought “Oh, I remember this!” What I remember mostly is that they were hard and that there is absolutely nothing Dunkin' Donuts anywhere near me. Should they bring it back? Not really. Particularly because I cant even tell you if it was good or not.

Perving On American Apparel Billboards

For about two years now I've been a fan of American Apparel's ad campaign. Its pretty much an image of a chick wearing leggings, a bathing suit, or socks and that's pretty much it. And I love them. They aren't super fancy looking or anything. Just a girl in a room and she appears to have been kidnapped.

Help her. Right? 

I really started paying attention to them after working in Burbank. After the hellish ride that included two buses there or three buses and a train coming home the best thing I had to look forward to was this billboard near Hollywood Blvd. that was nothing but multiple images of this one chick. I tried finding the image online for a while and actually managed to find it the other day. She is just wearing white socks, a white bra, and white draws.

Five Things I Learned People Assume About Me

I'm a misunderstood man. Have been my entire life. This doesn't mean that I'm deep or anything because I'm not. I'm a simple guy when you really think about it. If someone ever asks you “What is Dante like?” you can say “He either talks...or he doesn't.” See? But either way my entire life there have been a series of beliefs that people have had about me that are wrong and no matter what I say people will continue to believe them.

I've compiled a list of the Five Things I Learned People Assume About Me based on my looks, the way I talk, or when first meeting me. There are a few more but these five are the ones that I've encountered the most in this strange but plain life. I decided to use covers from previous Rosscast Shows for this.

Dante Saves You: Survival Edition

Adventures are nonsense. People are always trying to get me to go somewhere far and I don't wanna. I like being at home where I don't have to worry about things like animals, robots, or just the damned elements. Fuck the elements. Let's fuck the elements together in this Dante Saves You Survival Edition!

I am gonna teach you how to survive everything from planes, islands, water, cousin fuckin', and just good old fashioned bad decision making. This is not gonna be easy and a lot of you wont make it back. At least I'm honest...which is why I'll never go into politics. Yet. One day I will and you will all bow before me and my codpiece! Bwahahaha! Apologies. I got carried away. My magic codpiece does that to me.

Rosscast Episode 293: When Strippers Attack

In this episode I talk about my late brother for a moment, “family” reunions, Only In Florida with nasty old men in drive-thru's, Bitches Be Crazy with a stripper attacking folks, a Dude What the Fuck?! with a guy running from the law after going to McDonald's, and Missed Connections read by legendary blues performer Rufus Leroy Lemont Tigerwolfhound Perkins. Seriously. He's a big deal. Click here to download and listen to this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Kids These Days 23

Oh, kids are like bubblegum and crackers. Its a bad idea but people keep on doing it. One thing about kids these days is that they love technology. You take any form of a computer away from them and they will lose their shit. Take for instance this South Carolina 5' 2”, 125 pound 9 year old kid that flipped his top when a teacher took his iPad away during class.

Police showed up when after having his iPad taken this kid started stomping on his teachers foot. For some reason articles are posting that she is 26 years old. Damn. Teachers are young nowadays. She took his enraged ass into the hallway where he continued his Kirk Franklin impersonation. It took two teachers to restrain him until the police arrived. The teacher was left with a swollen foot and bruises. Two other kids were acting nuts but were able to be calmed. The stomper was not arrested and was released to his mom for her to deal with that bullshit.

Dante Vs Nature 29

Nature is an asshole. Seriously. I read about these crazy ass hornets in Asia, specifically China, that are just wrecking shop everywhere they go. Regular hornets suck. They build nests and start to attack you if you get too close to it. They're like those bad kids in that house up the street. Fuck them, too. Normal hornets are the size of a bee. Sometimes people go “Is that a bee or a hornet? Either way let's get out of here!”

Poke it with a stick and see if they buzz or hum. 

Not these Chinese hornets aka V Mandarinia. You see one of these and you'll probably think its not even real. “Am I in The Matrix?!” I'd probably scream before getting a few dozen new holes in my body. What's so bad about these, you ask? First off, they're the world's largest hornet and I'm just now finding out about them. The world's largest anything is bad. Burger. Tumor. Penis. All bad. Also, its venom is strong enough to melt human skin. They, meaning “science”, say dissolve but lets not split hairs. People can also die of kidney failure and anaphylactic shock. 

Dante Doesn't Bitch About Esquire Magazine

Scarlett Johansson is a gift. For years she has been around and not once have I ever looked at her and thought she was anything less than a present for humanity for all our years of sacrifice. Even when she was dating stinking old Ryan Reynolds I still couldn't get mad at her. Once again she has been named Esquire Magazine's Sexiest Woman Alive and again I cant disagree. This isn't like that time they made that stank ass Rihanna the sexiest one which made sense on absolutely no level. No. This time they got it right!

So right...

Last year Mila Kunis won and while she is still cute I wouldn't call her the sexiest woman alive. Especially now that she has that Macaulay Culkin (who she dated for nine years!) and Ashton Kutcher stank on her. For anyone that thinks that is immature allow me to reintroduce myself. Hi. My name is Dante and I love red draws on women. Mila will always look like a young girl even when she is 40. But Scarlett gets more womanly (surprisingly that is an actual word!). That leads me to another thing. Bodies.

Dante Bitches About More Bad Cosmo Advice

I am still convinced that Cosmo Magazine is run by a bunch of dudes that really hate women and want to see them make fools of themselves while looking as fashionable as possible. I found this article for women about what to do if you are going to see your ex at a party or gathering. If a woman follows this advice she is going to look crazy at worst and pathetic at best. If anyone reading this has followed the advice given…hahaha!

“That fab feeling when you're wearing something new that you know looks good will be well worth it for an occasion like this: It's always best to feel your best when dealing with your ex, no matter how good (or, well, not so good) the break-up was.”

Shit Just Got Real 7

People get pissed off when Jehovah's Witnesses come knocking on their doors. But some people get pissed on a whole 'nother level. John Baldwin, 35, of Arkansas got so mad that a gun got involved. Wait. He's only 35? Shit. That's just one year older than I am. He looks terrible. Anyhoot, while on his front lawn he was approached by 55 and 47 year old Laura Goforth and Rachel Boshears. Now instead of just saying something like “Leave me alone” or “I'm not interested” he decided that “Get your fucking ass off my property. I moved out here to get away from people like you!” was a far more appropriate response.

The two ladies decide that this guy took things that were at best a 3 to an 11 and decided to head back to their cars. Baldwin wasn't done though. Oh, not by a long shot. He told his wife “Get my 9” meaning his 9mm handgun. And she did! I cant believe that she actually went and got him his fucking gun! So they get in the car driven by Boshears' husband and they see this crazy bastard firing shots at the car. How many?

19.

Rosscast Episode 292: Had To Be In Florida

In this episode I babble about my dislike of Doublemint gum, read an old newspaper article about men spanking their wives, talk about two people who were hit by a train while fucking, a Dude What The Fuck? with a pervy college professor, Only In Florida with an old man being beat up at a laundromat, and a Bitches Be Crazy where a man was forced to fuck at gunpoint. Click here to download this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!