The next morning Gary stood in the
doorway of the bathroom waiting for Delvin to awaken. He had been up
for two hours and was far too excited at the idea of meeting a
pornstar in real life. Sure, he wouldn't be the one having sex with
her but living vicariously through his far more adventurous friends
was how he has stayed disease free.
Delvin finally slowly opened his
bedroom door and shuffled to the bathroom, ignoring Gary. Gary smiled
and tipped his cup of coffee to him. Delvin pulled out his member and
attempted to urinate.
Not so fast!
“Wow” Gary said. “That looks
painful. Good thing I'm coming with you for moral support. Then maybe
she can give you some oral support. See what I did there?!” Gary
high-fives himself spilling coffee all over his arm. “Shit fuck
cunt bitch!”
“You're not coming” Delvin hisses
while attempting to squeeze a drop out. “You'll just embarrass
yourself.”
“You're just afraid she'll ignore you
once she sees my dick” Gary says, licking coffee from his forearm.
“Why would she even see yours?”
“Hey, things happen” Gary mutters
while shrugging. “Like you've never walked past a college campus
and your dick just happens to fall out the front of your pants.”
“That was you?!” Delvin asks.
“Oh, please” Gary scoffs. “I
would have never gotten caught. That guy was a rookie. What is
important is you getting laid, getting your mangled dick taken care
of, and then buying a new toilet seat.”
“Why do we need a new toilet seat?
This one's fine.”
“That's because I set fire to it
every morning!” Gary reaches under the sink, pulls out a small
container of lighter fluid, and smiles. “Every. Morning.”
In the waiting room Gary can barely
contain his excitement. Delvin's penis pain seems to be in its death
throes. Lashing, flailing, and roaring in agony knowing the its time
was coming to an end. Every time the door opened or someone in a
white coat came near Gary would spring to his feet.
“Would you stop doing that?” Delvin
asked. “You're making me nervous.”
“You're nervous? What about me?”
Gary began pacing. “I'm about to meet a bona fied pornstar for the
first time and you tell me to sit still? Have at thee!” Gary shouts
and tosses a stack of magazines at Delvin. “Is that her?!” Delvin
jumps to his feet causing his penis to retract even further into his
body. “Ha! Got you. That wasn't her. Know how I know? My pants are
still on.”
“Good morning, Delvin” Dr. Basir
says from behind Gary. “And you must be his friend, Gary.” Gary
spins on his heels and holds his hand out. Dr. Basir reaches and he
pulls her hand to his lips and kisses her making eye contact the
entire time.
“Yes, I am indeed Gary” he says.
“I'm not just Delvin's friend. I'm his only friend. Roommate.
Confidante. Life coach. Spiritual leader. And sometimes his
masseuse.”
“That's a lot for one man” Dr.
Basir says.
“I'm a lot of one man” he replies.
“So would you mind coming with me?”
Dr. Basir says to Delvin who has trouble standing. Gary begins to
follow. “Not so fast” she says. “Patients and family only.”
“But his dad is dead.”
“That's terrible” Dr. Basir says
and pats Delvin's hand.
Lower...
“I'll be fine, Gary” Delvin says.
As the door begins to close Delvin tosses Gary a wink that lasts too
long and he misjudges his movement and slams his shoulder into the
doorway.
“Fucking nerd” Gary says under his
breath. He sits back down in a chair and picks a magazine up from the
floor. He notices a sticker on the front of it. With an address. Dr.
Basir's address. “Holy shitballs” he says and tears it from the
cover. “I think I have a plan.”
A small child sits down next to him and
stares at his face. Gary is about to give him the middle finger until
he notices the boy's mother. Gary immediately does the perverted
math. Age, about 38. Divorced for longer than six months. Slight
discoloration where wedding band once occupied. Hair short during
marriage, but growing it out since. Dark roots beginning to show.
Tight jeans but not too tight that say “Look at me but don't
stare.” No bra. Small golden hopped earrings. No makeup except for
a small amount of lipstick. Sandals. Manicure but no pedicure.
“Fancy meeting you here” Gary says.
The lady smiles.
“My husband is here for--”
“You kid is ugly” Gary says and begins reading the magazine.
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