Years ago me and Kiyoshi used to say that one of our random fantasies was to go to a school where kids were learning karate and just waste the whole place. Yes, its very immature but that's nothing compared to the things I wish I could do but shall never mention on this blog. Most involve me superkicking strangers or sleeper holds.
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| Reason #3 why I'm banned from church. |
I have compiled a list of different
kids in karate films (not to be confused with the ninja one I wrote
before and if you are running around confusing ninjas and karate
experts then its pretty much almost too late to be trying to save you
but I am a hero of the world and a national treasure so I'll
continue). So remember to stretch and start punching bags of rice in
preparation for Dante Saves You: Karate Kid Edition.
You Vs. The Karate Kid
Some dweeb moves into town and
immediately becomes the brand new punching bag for any kid that ever
took a self defense class. Daniel is being trained by Mr. Miyagi who
is apparently still mad about the whole concentration camp thing from
World War 2 and is taking it out on Daniel. He makes him clean his
place, paint, and tricks him into thinking that you can actually
catch flies with chopsticks. Somehow this ends with him learning one
move: the butterfly kick. This wasn't a move used in real combat
until a year or two ago in the UFC.
Now that this kid knows one move and is
used to being punched in the face since he is perpetually walking
around with a black eye we're gonna have to make sure that we not
only beat him, but we beat him so bad that his mom decides to pack up
and move with him.
Solution
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| I doubt he can even feel pain anymore. |
Make sure you enter the tournament with
him just so the entire town can see what you plan on doing with him.
Now, he is gonna lull you into a false sense of security by letting
you beat his ass until the last moment. So wait for him to prepare
the crane kick. As soon as he goes for that bullshit just lean back
when that foot goes high and kick him square in the nuts. Pah! Ya
done, son! You can play it off like it was an accident and get a
point taken away, but you have won this fight.
You Vs. Another Karate Kid
Oh, lord. Are these things made in a
factory? So this next fake ass karate expert is once again taught by
Mr. Miyagi but its a girl. A cute one. Now I know that its hard to
attack a woman especially when she is looking at you. But don't
underestimate her. Women are the most dangerous creatures on this
planet! Oh, you thought it was men? Ha! Men fought in wars throughout
history but it was almost always because of women folk. Remember how
awesome life was until Eve bit into that apple? Or before Pandora
opened that box? And don't even get me started on Mother Teresa and
her reign of terror!
Solution
She is really good at kicking bags and
air. I mean, come on. This is pre-Million Dollar Baby version of
Hillary Swank which means her fighting skills range somewhere between
screaming for help and windmilling. Do like I told you when fighting
the Pink Ranger: call her fat. She'll start sobbing and then you
sweep her legs. End of battle.
You Vs. Another Goddamn Karate Kid
Its a little Black kid with cornrows so
you know he's just up to no good. Oh, shut up. You know its true.
There is no one who has ever won a Noble Prize that had cornrows in
their damned heads. It may seem weird to fight a kid this small but
since Will Smith is his dad he has all kinda issues just raging
inside of him. So keep asking him about the rumors of his parents
being gay until he challenges you to a fight.
Solution
Kick him in the dick. Done. Okay, fine. You feel bad about kicking a kid in the dick. Hit him in his stomach a little bit to the right. There is a sweet spot 'round that area that if you hit someone just right they will have an uncontrollable urge to shit themselves. Plus he's wearing all white. He'll rush out of the building holding his ass, the crowd will laugh, you become a star. But seriously. Dick kick never fails.
You Vs. An Autistic Little Girl
See, I can already hear you sighing.
Know why? Because you aren't as evolved as I am. Just because someone
has autism doesn't mean they can't fight. This girl's mother and
father were good fighters who worked for the mob. She also has the
ability to see any fight move and copy it and I'll be damned if she
doesn't just sit around watching Thai fighting films and Bruce Lee
movies. This is gonna be a rough one...if you have morals.
Solution
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| She's gotta have her Pops! |
Act stupid and unpredictable. At one
point she fights another autistic kid and has trouble with him.
Imagine when you show up biting at invisible cakes and tickling her.
When she thinks you are funny and you have her on the ground laughing
because you found her funny bone...wapow!!! Elbow drop. You'll feel
bad about it later but at least you won't go home and have to explain
all the elbow and knee marks all over your body.
You Vs. Bruce Leroy
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| Derp! |
I wanna beat his ass just because he is
the physical embodiment of every guy that girls wanted more than me
growing up until just a moment ago. Pretty son of a bitch. Look at
him. Just standing there looking all cute. Put a wig on him and I
might ask for his number. Makes me sick. What was I talking about?
Oh, right. So he was trained by a karate master who stopped teaching
him once he learned to catch an arrow. I've been catching arrows
since the 1960's! There's more to fighting than catching arrows. How
about bullets, bitch? Oh, he catches those too? Shit. Well at least
he can't glow.
Solution
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| Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit! |
Okay. So he's learned how
to attain The Glow which makes his skin even prettier, his curl even
tighter, and women want to bone him even faster. You don't have time
to be dealing with that shit. As soon as he starts glowing pretend
that you give up. Pee a little if you can. He has honor and shit.
Pussy. As soon as he turns his back you throw the hardest spin kick
you've ever thrown in your life. Knock him right the fuck out an go
claim your prize. And what would that prize be, you ask?
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| Naked 1980's Vanity! |
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