Remember that one time you got invited to that island to participate in a tournament where you and others from around the world had to compete against one another to see who was the best fighter in the world? Yeah, I don’t either. You know why? Because it didn‘t happen, you freak!
Enter The Dragon is considered one of the best films ever made involving Bruce Lee and people getting kicked in the face faster than they can blink. Poor O’Hara. That dude just didn’t know when to quit. You hit me in the face three times and then so hard I am stopped only by the people watching I bow and throw my wallet at you. I don’t need that level of stress in my life.
 |
| Poor son of a bitch. |
In this Dante Saves You: Enter The Dragon Edition I will teach your dumb ass how to survive landing on this island. How did you get here anyway? I didn’t see you on the boat, you stowaway son of a bitch! Fine. You’re already here. Let’s kick some lip synced ass! And before you ask, no, I am not sharing any of my free hookers with you.
Let’s Fight Roper!
Solution
 |
| Jazzercise! |
Really? Okay. Just let him throw wild punches at you until he is winded in about half a minute. Then you just either nudge him to the ground or kick him in the shin and trip him. This is probably gonna be the easiest person to beat besides one of the guys just watching shit happen in the crowd. This guy is softer than a love tap.
Let’s Fight Bolo!
Oh fuck. This is so not fair. I mean, come on! How can we go from the old White guy to this freak of nature? This guy shouldn’t even be allowed to fight in the tournament but here he is standing there like a brick shit house with his sights set on you. How in the hell are you gonna get out of this?
Solution
 |
| "Aren't we having fun?!?!" |
Run away! Okay, fine. You don’t wanna look like a pussy in front of everyone. I would suggest lots of leg kicks. Anything to keep him from getting his arms on you because once he has you the fucking begins. He will turns you into an accordion and laugh the entire time while you shit through your mouth and cry from your ass. Bolo is out of fucks to give and will not hesitate to prove it to you by having your corpse fit into a shoebox. You don’t fight Bolo. You experience him.
Let’s Fight Williams!
Who invited the Black man?! Shut up, you racist. He’s not just any Black man. He is a Black man running from the police. I shit you not. That’s his background. You know once everyone saw him on the boat ride there they were like “There goes any chance of us getting some pussy…” Which turned out to be partially true because when they are offered sex he takes a gaggle of the women.
 |
| "Get in line, bitches. Get in line." |
Next to Lee this guy is the closest to great fighting skills you are gonna see. You cant outrun him because he has cardio an’ shit. He has muscles so chances are he is used to lifting heavy shit like your fat ass. And the fact that he banged all them chicks and still had the energy to go for a forbidden walk afterwards means not only does he disobey rules but that not even six hookers can slow him down. We just may be fucked.
Solution
You could touch his hair. Us Black folk don’t like that shit. Mess up his afro and while he is busy fixing it you can find somewhere to hide. If one of those random hookers are laying around just use her as a sex shield. You remember back in the 80’s when every Black guy thought that they were Bruce Lee kung fu masters? This guy is the reason why. Next thing you know we started chopping boards in half meaning fucking our hands up on boards, punching rice, and hurting our dicks trying to do high kicks. Just shout for the police. That should buy you some time.
Let’s Fight Han!
This old bastard cant hurt you. He spends his days eating and watching people carry out his evil schemes. There’s no way in hell you are going to even begin to have a problem taking him out. What? He whipped Williams ass? Oh. I didn’t know that. How’d he do it? A what hand?! Now you tell me?! Fuck me.
Solution
Now that we know this bastard killed one of the few actual threats on the island and has a hand made of knives the rules have changed. If he got weapons then damn it you will get weapons. You know that fancy room he has full of mirrors? Glue pieces of them to your hands, feet, and body. Don’t get any in your eyes. Let the glue dry or else none of what I just said will work.
 |
| Give me a V! |
He won’t let the glue dry? Shit. Like most villains in movies if you dodge his attacks long enough he will start to just flail wildly. No matter how many years of training they have if you make them mad they will forget all that shit and start fighting like a 7 year old girl and as we all know they are the worst fighters ever.
Let’s Fight Lee!
This is gonna be difficult. Not only does he look like he is in shape, but he creates sounds that make people pee just a little bit when he makes them. Why is he headed to the island? Revenge! That’s all you really need to know. Well, that and the fact that he knock you out three times before you hit the ground. You are gonna have to use every skill I have ever taught you to beat this guy!
Solution
Don’t cry! Your tears are like candy to him and his blood sugar levels are low. I would normally suggest running but come on. This guys abs have abs. He is so good at fighting that he made his own fighting style that is so effective that he refuses to even give it an official name. This means that your normal wind milling technique won’t work against him. Does this look like the face of a man that couldn’t stop that move?
Kick him in the dick. I don’t think anyone has ever done that. I know he has a dick. I’ve seen him do push ups with it. If that doesn’t work just shit yourself. I don’t think he’d want to touch you after that. I would though. Because I’m your friend. But go shower first. You smell like shit. Anyhoot, I hear this guy loves weed. Get him good and stoned. I’m sure Williams brought some with him. Then you will be able to hitch a ride back to civilization!
Click here for previous Dante Saves You.
No comments:
Post a Comment