Dante Saves You: Ninja Edition

So now that you’ve learned to defeat or run away from dinosaurs, aliens, zombies, and vampires its time to take on something that has plagued humanity for years: ninjas. As much as I love ninjas I know that I will never be one so I have trained to not only spot one from a distance using my mutant ability of spotting shady people, but use natural hell damn instincts.

The problem with ninjas is they come in all different shapes, sizes, and races. That’s right, even White dudes are ninjas now. I guess Sho’Nuff could be a ninja. No. He was way too loud for that shit. You cant be the Shogun Of Harlem and be quiet. Here’s how you beat ninjas. You may thank me later.

So You’ve Met An American Ninja.

Ha! I know it sounds terrible but this dude is an American. And he isn’t even on his home turf. He’s in the Philippines and might be distracted by all them hot chicks. If he was gonna try and look scary he wouldn’t wear such a baggy ass outfit and at least tried to hide his gringo-ness. This one is not gonna be a challenge.

Solution.

Ninja fight and then take the kids to soccer practice.

This asshole wears mom jeans! And he is holding his sword in the “mine is bigger than yours” style. If you wear these pants and don’t have a vagina then I automatically imagine me whipping you. He doesn’t even have real ninjas to face. I mean check out these assholes.

Someone's got to be the asshole.

Yeah. These idiots cant even fight in formation. So all you have to do is get him pissed by calling him a fake ass ninja and then when he gets mad and rushes at you (which I assure you will happen) just kick him in the nuts and tea bag him. He will be shamed and kill himself.

So You’ve Met Surf Ninjas.

Training.

Really? You need help with this one? Yeah, one of them is the little kid from The Last Dragon but I’m still not nervous. They’re kids so you have that working for you. I’m pretty sure that they have curfews and rules which as an adult you don’t. You can stay out past 8pm and get drunk which will only fuel your ability to challenge kids to a fight. If MC Hammer with an eye patch can beat these kids…

2 Legit 2 Quit!

Solution.

Huh? They’re kids! Tell me you wouldn't want to judo chop this kid.Me and Kiyoshi have a fantasy about going into a school of these types and defeating every single one of them. I’ll be damned if I allow myself or my friends to lose to people he think screaming “Ki-yah!” is a fight move.

So You’ve Met Some Mortal Kombat Ninjas.

Okay, now its time for a challenge. You’re not fighting regular ass humans wearing dark colors. You are fighting a guy who is so bent on revenge that he gets a hall pass to leave Hell with a harpoon hand and a dude that can freeze shit with his hands. These two, Scorpion and Sub-Zero, hate each other but they are united in their decision to rip your throat out through your ass.

Solution.

You're his hooker now.

If you are fighting them one at a time you may have a chance to get to a hospital. If you are fighting Scorpion who is so badass he wears the brightest color on his outfit as if saying “I have no need to hide myself” then I would suggest doing shit you would never think to try. Throwing shit, windmills, or gymnastics.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

If you gotta fight Sub-Zero you could run around in circles while throwing rocks at him. It takes him a while to charge up to throw a ball of ice at you so that gives you plenty of time to scream for help or try to remind him that Scorpion killed his brother. Ninjas are all about revenge. Like, even more than me and I wake up thinking of things to revenge about.

He wakes up thinking about snowflakes.

So You’ve Met Some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Donatello: "I made poopies!"

As much as I love the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if I saw one of these creepy beasts in real life I would shit butter. I grew up watching these guys go from hardcore angry mutants to friendly pizza loving creatures that were happy living in the stank ass sewers. Mind you, they are trained ninjas who hang with a enormous rat…who would also cause me to shit dairy products. So don’t take them lightly.

Sexual assault fixin' to happen!

Solution.

Kill it!!!

Take out Leonardo first and the rest will be easy. Raphael would be too busy crying over never making peace with his fallen friend, Michelangelo would be staring at the shiny coins that fell out your pockets, and Donatello would realize that he brought a broomstick to a goddamn ninja fight and start doing math out loud.

"Remember when we were cool?!"

You’d like to think that New York City would be safer because there were these four assholes saving people…except for the fact that they help no one but themselves and their stupid friend, April O’Neil. So go ahead and rob a bank to gain their attention then point and go “April tore her jumpsuit!” You are free to shoot them in the back.

So You’ve Met Snake Eyes.

Why cant we be friends?

Goddamn it. This guy cant be fucked with using normal Dantania techniques. Shouting, growling, pooping, and threatening sexual harassment wont work on Snake Eyes because he is trained to not give a fuck. He cant even be bothered to give half a fuck which is crazy because I give half fucks about things I really shouldn’t give two shits about.

Solution.

Unless you are friends with Storm Shadow, which I am (shout out to Andrew Kishino!), you should try your best to not fight him. But if you do…damn it. Okay. He has honor and shit. So what you do is lay down your weapons, which should be easy since you likely dropped them when you felt his sword pressed against your taint, and bow to him. And when he turns his back fling poop at him and run.

Ignore that last suggestion...

So You’ve Met A Nazi Ninja Zombie.

Racism: Its what's for dinner.

Now…you are fucked. Not only is this a Nazi. Not only is this a Ninja. It’s a fucking zombie!!! He doesn’t talk or smile or anything. He just walks into rooms knowing that he has the ability to kick the ass of anything breathing and even some things that aren’t. Oh, and did I mention he uses giant blades that he spins like propeller blades?

Its okay to cry. Crying gets the sad out.

Solution.

'Cause this is Thriller...!

Unless you feel like betraying all your morals and saluting him and you don’t roll with a half demon with a fist that is the key to unleashing Hell on Earth then I suggest you start throwing water on him and rusting him. Or tie up this human Swatch watch. I mean, the guy is made up of a bunch of clocks.

When you see him just immediately start swinging. Don’t give him time to start winding himself up and then he’ll be able to do nothing but freeze and stare as you give him a Roman Soldier (look it up) and post photos on your website. If you’re feeling saucy you could rip his mask off. Ninjas hate that shit. Its not like his face could be all that bad.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!