Dante Vs. Nature 39

Nature is a sneaky bastard. There are always new animals found that freak me out because it turns out that these things are still evolving and being made right now. Then there are the ones that have been walking around all this time just waiting for me to somehow stumble across them. That's not fair to anyone. I recently was made aware of one horrifying creature by H. and this lead to me finding a bunch of other strange ass creatures. Some are small, some are large, all are horrible.

Just like penises.

Fossa

“The fossa is the largest mammalian carnivore on the island of Madagascar and has been compared to a small cougar. Adults have a head-body length of 28–31 inches and weigh between 12–19 lb, with the males larger than the females. It has semi-retractable claws and flexible ankles that allow it to climb up and down trees head-first, and also support jumping from tree to tree. The fossa is unique within its family for the shape of its genitalia, which share traits with those of cats and hyenas.”

What are you supposed to be, you cougar weasel? If I saw this in the woods I'd at first think it was a kitty cat that's been lost for a while and went feral or a baby cougar. Either way its no bueno for me. Those bonkers ankles make me nervous but not as nervous as its weird penis. In case you get curious, don't look up its genitals. Cats and hyenas have jacked up wangs. If people had them we'd never have sex. Women would be like “The fuck you're having sex with me!” If you're ever in Madagascar don't try and pet this nonsense. Its penis is stupid.

Glaucus Atlanticus

“At maturity Glaucus atlanticus can be up to 1.2 inches in length. It is silvery gray on its dorsal side and dark and pale blue ventrally. It has dark blue stripes on its head. It has a tapering body which is flattened, and has six appendages.”

I don't know about you but I want to throw a Pokeball at this. It doesn't look real. Being less than 2 inches I'm not too scared of it. But you know what else is less than 2 inches? AIDS!!! I'm not gonna let myself get lulled into a false sense of security just 'cause its so tiny. There are pictures of people holding it in the palm of their hands. Nope! That is a movie moment waiting to happen. You pick it up to show your kids, look away for a moment, and now your hand is empty. Did it fall back into the water? Or is it in your body multiplying?!

Maned Wolf

“Unlike other large canids the maned wolf does not form packs. It hunts alone, usually between sundown and midnight. It kills its prey by biting on the neck or back, and shaking it violently if necessary. Monogamous pairs may defend a shared territory of about 12 square miles, though the individuals themselves may seldom meet, outside of mating.”

Look at this freakshow! Hahaha! See, I can laugh because I am safely away from nature's version of Photoshop. “Hey, deer wolf!” I shout. But in reality if this came close to me I'd throw rocks at it and run. I love that they stay by themselves unless its time to get their bang on. And what is with this “shaking it violently if necessary”? As a creature that has no thumbs and walks around on its tippy toes like it has no choice but to shake things violently with its stupid wolf face.

Patagonian Mara

“Being monogamous, pairs of maras stay together for life with replacement of partners only occurring after its death. The male has almost the sole responsibility in maintaining the pair by following the female wherever she goes. A male will mark his female with urine and mark the ground around her with secretions from his glands and with feces, making the grounds around the female a mobile territory.”

That whole last sentence is why I'm single. Turns out human females don't like it when you piss and shit all around them to let others know they belong to you. Well, most human females. There are some chicks that are into that. These things are more loyal than human mates. These things stay together until one of them dies! Humans break up because one of them runs out of money. These are like “My husband animal had his stomach ripped open by a monster the other day. Guess its time to find someone else...”

Shoebill

“While hunting, the Shoebill strides very slowly and is frequently motionless. Unlike some other large waders, this species hunts entirely using vision and is not known to engage in tactile hunting. When prey is spotted, it launches a quick, violent strike. However, depending on the size of the prey, handling time after the strike can exceed 10 minutes. Around 60% of strikes are successful in yielding prey.”

If you ever wanted to find out just how fast I can run put this thing anywhere near me. Look at this fucking thing. It looks like something you'd fight at the end of a video game. I bet it eats souls. It just has that look. As for “handling time” as they put it after it goes for a killing blow, they mean that you are just laying there waiting to die wondering why you let your family trick you into this vacation.

Tufted Deer

“This is a timid animal and prefer places with good cover, where it is well camouflaged. It is easily disturbed and when alarmed it will let out a bark before running away in a wild pattern, displaying its white rump with every jump and flops down after, making it difficult for the enemy to follow.”

Its escaping technique sounds like a chick I used to know. Shut up, you know that's funny. This looks like a deer that was made fun of as a child. Look at them chompers! This is the deer that made fun of Bambi because his mother died. If I saw this in the wild I would think that someone was pulling a prank on me. There's no reason for a deer to have teeth like this. I bet it has a lisp.

Mantis Shrimp

“Because they strike so rapidly, they generate cavitation bubbles between the appendage and the striking surface. The collapse of these cavitation bubbles produces measurable forces on their prey in addition to the instantaneous forces of 1,500 newtons that are caused by the impact of the appendage against the striking surface, which means that the prey is hit twice by a single strike; first by the claw and then by the collapsing cavitation bubbles that immediately follow. Even if the initial strike misses the prey, the resulting shock wave can be enough to stun or kill the prey.”

I have seen video footage of this crazy little bastard. Its like natures version of Guile from Street Fighter 2. The way this thing attacks you is, it clicks its claw together so fast that its like being hit with a bomb. The last thought you'd have is “It burns so much!” as this sumbitch let loose the power of the sun just by snapping its fingers. This makes me uncomfortable. I'm moving on.

Pacu Fish

“Pacu have square, straighter teeth, like a human, and a less severe under bite, or a slight overbite. Additionally, full-grown pacu are much larger than piranha, reaching up to 3 feet and 55 pounds in the wild.”

You can go straight to hell with this nonsense! Science is telling people that it doesn't attack men's dicks because everyone heard that that was a thing it did. Do you really want to chance that? This is the cousin of the piranha but instead of having a row of razor sharp teeth it has big ass human sized ones that possibly could bite a dick off. If I saw this the amount of expletives and human waste I dispensed would kill any living thing within one mile of my physical location.

Penis Snake

“...?!?!”

No way. Not never. Why is this a thing that exists? Why?! I want answers and these answers better sooth my troubled soul. The fucked up thing, amongst many, is that even science sounds confused by it. Their answers sound like a parent trying to explain how Santa fits down a chimney. Lots of uh's, er's, and hmm's. It has no lungs. “It, uh, breathes through its body.” It has no eyes. “Er, well you see, uh...” No! I need facts! One fact that I do know is that this thing is creepy with a capital K. There's no reason for this to wander this Erf.

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