Polar Opposites

TOKYO – Puzzled Japanese zookeepers have cleared up a mystery over a lack of chemistry between a couple of polar bears as both turn out to be female, a Japanese zoo said Wednesday. Tsuyoshi, a four-year-old "male" polar bear, and his 11-year-old female partner, Kurumi, have been living together since June at the Kushiro Municipal Zoo in Hokkaido, northern Japan.

But much to the frustration and puzzlement of zookeepers, the bear couple, on a breeding mission, showed no signs of chemistry, and Tsuyoshi has never gone into rut even during "his" mating period.

"Observing his behaviors, we got suspicious as to whether Tsuyoshi was really a male," the zoo said in a statement.

The zoo put Tsuyoshi under an anesthetic earlier in the month for a gender checkup, and learned he was a she.

"I have mixed feelings," Yoshio Yamaguchi, head of the zoo.

Tsuyoshi is very popular at the zoo, and Kyodo News agency said the zoo would not change his name to a female name. Tsuyoshi is a very common Japanese name for boys.

Experts say when polar bears are young, it is difficult to determine their gender as their long hair covers reproductive organs.

The zoo said it had determined Tsuyoshi was a male three months after his birth.

Somebody got their degree off a cereal box. I can only imagine the shame of anyone that was involved in this program to have these bears sexing it up. How hard can it be to lift up some fur and go, “By, Job! This thing has a vagina!”

Maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh. Humans have been around for a while and still cant tell chicks from dudes sometimes. I know where to look and it isn’t always the Adam’s Apple. You gotta check the hands. If she got Mad Hands then keep it moving unless you want a very unpleasant surprise. Oh, what was I talking about? That’s right.

Bears.

First those pandas and now this nonsense. I swear. Watch, soon a koala will be buried and dig itself from the ground and we’ll read a headline that says something like “Koalas can indeed rise back from the dead!” Is there no depth these creatures will sink to in their everlasting quest to anger and puzzle me? I’m not going near any zoos, I’ll tell you that. I don’t need to be attacked by zombie ass koalas with a newfound hunger for Black flesh. That’s a script just waiting to be written!

Imagine of people were tested for their sex at three months. “That is either a very tiny penis or a extremely large clitoris. Hmm. Let’s go with boy.” And what does “…we got suspicious as to whether Tsuyoshi was really a male” mean? Maybe he just didn’t like Kurumi that way. Maybe it just wanted to be friends. Oh, I need to eat lunch. This planet is making me feel crazy. Rockets.