Taking It Slow. Like, REALLY Slow...

CHICAGO – Won't kiss on the first date? How about waiting until marriage?

Chicagoans Melody LaLuz and Claudaniel Fabien shared their first kiss Saturday at the altar. The two teach abstinence at the city's public schools and practiced what they preached to their teenage students.

The Chicago Tribune reports that the couple had never kissed and that they had never been alone together in a house.

A friend of LaLuz says wedding guests cheered and stomped during the two-minute smooch between the 28-year-old bride and the 30-year-old groom.

LaLuz and Fabien say they have no worries about how they will spend their honeymoon in the Bahamas.

Okay, for serious? Is this really happening on my planet? Until last year I equated not having sex before marriage to buying a car without driving it. Not kissing until you get married is like buying a house without seeing it. At least you can say “This car blows scary uncle! I’m driving it back to the lot!” But with a house you’d have to go through so much drama just to get out of it.

Imagine if the first kiss was horrible? What would you do? I don’t believe these folks anyway. Seriously. I don’t. I don’t care how much self control you exercise, there ain’t no way you can not kiss someone you’re with. I bet the dude was all over her while she slept. All like “Fuck this nonsense! I’m kissing your hair or something while you’re knocked out…”

I just thought of something. I bet they had sex. Well, they said no kissing and they teach abstinence. Maybe they were into the whole oral thing. Yeah, that’s the ticket. I bet they were. A few years back they released some study where all of these super religious kids in school were having anal sex because they figured it still made them virgins. What’s the ticking sound? Oh, damn it.

That’s the Doomsday Clock.

I can only imagine what that survey meeting was like.

“So, kids? You having any pre-marital sex?”

No.

“None?”

No.

“Oral sex?”

No.

“Mutual masturbation?”

No.

“Anal?”

Oh, hell yeah! All the time!

That’s a huge leap. History has proved that the more religious someone is the more dangerous they are. I’m not talking about folks going to church a few times a week or read the bible like it’s the newspaper. I’m talking about those people that condemn everything under God’s sun. The one that scream bloody murder about abortions but damn you to hellfire in the same breath. They make me nervous.

Yeah, so that couple was, like, totally banging each other.

Rockets.