The Bucket (Fuck It?) List

We all know the movie. Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman (my lady's private dancer) make a list of things they wanna do before they die or “kick the bucket.” I think I’m gonna make one of my own. Yeah, some of you may laugh and some of you may find yourselves horribly jealous. And you should be.

1. Learn how to do a backflip. I have always wanted to do one and even watched a video online to learn. I think I could do one without breaking my neck.

2. Powerbomb my father through a table. I don’t care how old he is I’m flipping his ass through a table. If you don’t know what a powerbomb is look it up. Its awesome. I’m talking a Vader style powerbomb. Who’s the man?!

3. Publish a book. I have more stories in my head than the ones I have written (and keep on myspace). I want everyone to read my shit and laugh, cry, be scared, or shit themselves. Either way I hope they read my stuff and cheer.

4. Wrestle one match. No, I don’t think I could make a career out of it at this point but I would love to bounce around a ring just once. I’ve been waiting years to try my “Season Finale” on someone.

5. 24 hour sex fest. Need I elaborate?

6. Have an entire week where I am too happy to think straight. I don’t care what I’m doing or where I am. I just want a full week of having fun. I think this will be my honeymoon one day.

7. Be involved in a bar fight. When I turned 21 I wanted to go to a bad ass bar and have someone start some shit with me just to get into a brawl. Yes, this seems very fun to me.

8. Sit in a theater watching a movie based off of one of my stories. I would sit in the theater just as if not more excited than anyone else there!

9. Choke someone out during a fight. I have knocked people on their ass but I have never knocked someone out cold with a submission hold. That is just embarrassing.

10. Sit with all of my brothers and talk about our lives growing up and figuring out why we turned out so differently even though we all grew up together (well, most of us).

Where Were You When...? (9/11)

Everyone has those stories of where they were when something happened. JFK, Martin Luther King, the Challenger exploding. This isn’t about any of those. This is about where I was when 9/11 happened.

I was at a porn shop.

No, not as a customer. As an employee. I woke up and the TV was on as I tend to fall asleep with it on more often than not. I worked early. I opened the place at 6am every day. I saw that a big ass building was on fire. As it panned out I saw that it was the World Trade Center. I thought, “You have to be a terrible pilot to not miss that.” I finished getting dressed and went to work. I live above my job so that took less than a minute.

I get there and start the day like usual. A customer comes in that never talks and said, “You see that other plane hit the building?!” as he handed me his porno. I turned on the TV that only got reception by using a paperclip and sure enough another plane had hit the building. I knew this shit wasn’t right. I wondered if I would have an early day...

My co-workers ran to the counter giggling and handed me a business card. One of the companies we ordered from had a silhouette of New York and they drew a plane going into the building. Classy, huh? People who had given up smoking rushed into the store all morning buying smokes. This one freak came in and I wanted to smash his face in. He comes tweaking his way to the counter and looks at me.

“Are you Muslim?” he asks.

“No” I say. “Why?”

“You look Muslim” he replies.

What the fuck does that mean? And how did this space case know that the attacks were perpetrated by Muslims? This shit was still happening! They ended up shutting down Santa Monica Blvd. for a while because someone made a bomb threat to West Hollywood’s City Hall. I called my ex and told her to turn on the news. She started crying. She loved those buildings. The day went by with everyone asking if I knew what was happening.

“Do you?!” I wondered as they bought poppers, cock rings, and lube.

There are a lot of things that turn me on. Big thighs, red panties, cute laughs, women who read, and chicks that smoke. Attacks on the country has yet to make the list. The day went by pretty fast and it sucked because I was stuck at the counter all day. It was a pretty crazy ass day. I didn’t know anyone in New York so I don’t have any stories of people missing their flights or being in the buildings. There’s just me slangin’ porn while the world collapsed.

Rockets.

Analog Boy In A Digital World

After months of laughing at the commercials for the digital converter boxes I finally got one yesterday. You know the commercials I’m talking about. They have a father and son sitting on the couch watching a game when all of a sudden the TV goes to static and they have this “…the fuck?” look on their faces.

When it was supposed to happen in February I was all “Damn the man!” about it. They had coupons and I applied for one but they said there weren’t enough. They didn’t anticipate that so many people still had antennas. Really? This is one of those things where old people must be furious about. I’m just happy I don’t have to learn how to write antennas again. Eventually I got my coupon but the day had been pushed back even further. I was all happy since once again I was right. I knew they weren’t going to switch yet.

The next date is in June I believe and I still think it wont happen. I’m going to unplug mine when the switch happens to see what goes on. They act like people are going to lose their minds Y2K style or something. I have some extra channels and that’s cool. If I ever wanna watch “Throw Mama From The Train” or "Shanghai Surprise” this channel is always playing them. Like the new choices and for the first time in decades I can watch lucha libre crystal clear. I have like eight Korean channels and feel compelled to learn it just to have something else to see.

As for now I barely have shows I watch weekly. It didn’t used to be this way. I have to see “Lie To Me”, “Better Off Ted”, and “America’s Funniest Videos”, “Jeopardy”, “Wheel of Fortune”, and “Family Guy.” That’s only like three and a half hours of TV a week. I must remedy this.

Rockets.

Fear Everything And Nothing

What is your greatest fear? Mine is heights. I confronted this fear by taking hiking classes and walking to the edge of cliffs and standing there cheering triumphantly. Watching the news will expose you to all sorts of new ways to know fear.

Don’t eat peanuts (and now pistachios). Don’t walk across the street because someone will hit you and toss you off the hood. Don’t hang out in anyone’s house that smokes since there is this new 5th hand smoke that can get you. North Korea now has a rocket that can hit the West coast. Don’t ski on bunny slopes without a helmet as you may get brain swell. Don’t drive because someone will t-bone you. What do you do in this dangerous ass world?

Nothing.

Keep doing what you do. It makes no sense walking around afraid of the world. The news is meant to not inform everyone about news in the world, but to make you dependent on fear. We live in a culture of fear that makes no sense to me. I remember hearing that humans are the only creatures that can make ourselves afraid. If Jesus fell from the sky right now and said, “Take my hand and you will live in peace forever…” we’d still be afraid and skeptic. “Can I bring my jacket with me?”

On the news tonight I cant remember there being one good thing mentioned unless you follow a sports team. Everything is just bad ass news. I want everyone to stop watching the news for a week and see how good you feel. I end up catching it on accident as background noise. But for the rest of the week I will shut it out. Let’s see how this goes.

Rockets.

"Is This Wrong...?"

Disclaimer: What happens in this tale is not real. I don’t know anyone that has ever beat off to one of these horrible commercials. Maybe you do but not me. And if you do you probably shouldn’t talk to them anymore because they need all kinds of serious help.

This morning I caught my brother masturbating to a commercial that featured starving children. Here is a transcript of what occurred. I have not altered this in any way. These are his actual words.

Me: What in the hell are you doing?!

Him: Don’t people knock anymore?!

Me: What are you watching? Is that…? Is that a starving children commercial?

Him: Yeah, so?

Me: What kind of sick freak jack offs to hungry ass kids?!

Him: Don’t judge lest ye be judged yourself, man!

Me: Oh, don’t bring the bible into this. This is one of the last places the bible wants to hang out.

Him: Like you’ve never done anything like this.

Me: Hmm, let me think. No. I haven’t. I have never woken up and thought about beating off to hungry kids. I’m reporting you.

Him: Reporting me? To who?

Me: The Humane Society. PETA. AARP. I don’t know! After this I don’t know if I can even talk to you again. This is really fucked up.

Him: Whatever.

Me: That’s all you have to say? “Whatever”? There is no “whatever”, dude. I cant even begin to imagine what goes on in that sick little mind of yours. Hungry kids? Really?

Him: Its not as bad as it looks.

Me: That’s what guys that get caught giving hand jobs in rest stops say! Was it worse than it looked because to me it looked pretty damned bad!

Him: Look…

Me: You know how much work goes into masturbating? Its not like you’re a chick and can just rub your legs together like a cricket and get off. You need time, lubrication, an idea, and something to clean up with. What were you gonna clean up with? Scripture?

Him: Now wait a second…

Me: Why, are you almost done? Put your cock away. Mom says breakfast is ready. But you are not eating at the table. You are banned.

Him: You cant ban me from breakfast!

Me: I am banning you from all forms of eating near me! Starving children, I swear…

Him: Dude, its not like they can see me or anything.

Me: Oh, that makes it so much better! What kind of stalker ass thinking is that? “Oh, its okay if I cum in the bushes while watching them get dressed because they cant see me! Tee-hee!” Nasty freak.

Him: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve beaten off to?

Me: Don’t try to make this about me. The strangest thing I have beaten off to is nothing compared to this. Change the damned channel! That kid has flies all over his face.

Him: It’s a her.

Me: Oh, sorry. Did I offend your new girlfriend? Sorry, Maria from Guatemala. Why don’t you send her some money instead of whatever the hell it is you’re doing?

Him: I don’t think these things work.

Me: I think your dick disagrees.

Him: You’re sick.

Me: I’m sick? Me? I walk into my brothers room while he is squeezing one out to fly covered children and I’m the sick one? Where the hell am I? Did I wake up in Bizarro World? Is it okay to want to bone hungry kids in this strange new land? Is up down? Left right? Is Melanie Griffith hot here? Tell me, sage!

Him: You’re an asshole.

Me: And you’re something new. I haven’t even thought of a name of what you are. Whatever it is seems strange and scary. I’m going to write a Congressman.

Him: And say what?

Me: I don’t know yet. But I am going to get a bill passed. Get these shows off the air so sickos like you cant get their jollies at the expense of poor children.

Him: These commercials are old though. These kids are in their 20’s by now.

Me: But not in the commercials! That’s like beating off to “Taxi Driver” while looking at Jodie Foster because she’s in her 40’s now. It doesn’t work like that!

Him: When did you become the authority on what is okay and what isn’t?

Me: You really need someone to tell you that it isn’t cool to jack off to hungry kids? Is that what you’re saying? Is this what I have woken up to? Please let this be a stupid ass dream…

Him: It’s a dream.

Me: Shut up! I’m going to go eat. Hopefully I can keep it down. Speaking of down, why are you still hard?

Him: I don’t know. Fine. I’ll consult you the next time I touch myself.

Me: You weren’t touching yourself. That was 2nd degree assault. That wasn’t masturbating. That was a misdemeanor. You make me sick.

Him: Maybe this will keep you from barging in ever again.

Me: Was that your grand scheme?

Him: Maybe…

Me: That has got to be one of the worst schemes ever conceived.

Him: But I bet it works.

Me: You’re giving me a headache right now. You are being so stupid its affecting me physically. Waves of stupid are actually radiating off of you and into me. I am being infected by dumbassness.

Him: There’s no such thing.

Me: Maybe there is. You don’t know. Put your cock away! We could make a commercial for it so you have some new material to work with since what you have is so old.

Him: I hate you right now.

Me: Then my job is done.

Him: Are you gonna tell anyone about this?

Me: Yes. Yes, I am.

Do Not Do The Dew!!!

I love hearing about things I never knew existed. Today while browsing wikipedia I came across something new and kinda scary. Its name is Mountain Dew Mouth. Yeah.

If you know what Meth Mouth looks like then Mountain Dew Mouth is its slightly less scary cousin. Apparently in the Midwest this shit is serious. I used to have fucked up teeth when I was little but, God, this is just terrible. Who knew you could drink that much soda? Isn’t there a point where you say to yourself “I should really lay off this shit”?

“A 2001 story in the Pittsburgh Post Gazette reported that Mountain Dew mouth is caused because, ‘Tooth decay occurs when bacteria inside the mouth feed on sugar, producing highly acidic waste that removes minerals from the tooth's surface. That process gets a dangerous boost from carbonated soft drinks, which bathe the teeth in phosphoric acid that slowly erodes the protective enamel.’ Mountain Dew's exceptionally high sugar and caffeine content, which may increase consumption levels, render Mountain Dew particularly likely to cause tooth decay.”

How jacked up is that? All you wanted was a drink and now folks think you’re on drugs because your teeth parts are all shot to hell. On The Handsome Genius Club (its listed as one of my links and you should check it out) the host, Anthony Kingdom James, was talking about Mountain Dew and trying to figure out what the hell its supposed to taste like. I tried that years ago. It’s a waste of time. Its like trying to figure out why grape soda doesn’t taste anything like a grape. If you ever picked up a grape and it tasted like the soda you’d write your Congressman. If Mountain Dew was an actual fruit it would probably have spikes and burn when you bit into it.

This isn’t me trying to start a revolution from my bed. But if you’re drinking so much damned Dew that its making people ask you if you have any drugs then maybe its time to reevaluate your life.

Rockets.

Honey Rings (Not A Sex Toy)

So earlier this week I went to the 99 Cent store with my sister Cam. While we were there I saw some cereal called Honey Rings. They look like Cheerios’s but shiny and huge. I told her “I hope these taste like Honey Bunches of O’s!” If you have never had that cereal you have no idea what you’re missing.

I pour the Honey Rings into the bowl and am shocked by how skinny and small they are. They look nothing like on the box. Either way I doubt they will taste horrible like Grape Nuts (which contain neither grapes nor nuts). Here goes nothing.

I sat for a moment and looked at these things wondering why they were shiny. Like, did little elves polish these things? I see they were made by a company called “Pampas” and wondered what that means. Apparently its some place in Argentina or something. So far to go just to end up costing less than a buck.

I taste this and my mind gets blown. I start having flashbacks and cant figure out why yet. “This doesn’t look like it should taste like this” I thought to myself.

Where in the hell did I taste this before?! This is the same feeling I had when I sniffed my glasses case in junior high. It drove me crazy until I figured out that it smelled like my old ass Mr. Potato Head toy. This tastes like something I had years ago and if I don’t figure out what that was I will surely snap. Not screaming crazy nuts but walking down Sunset Blvd. in my draws nuts.

I’ve got it! It tastes like fucking Swedish Chef cereal! Why in the fuck does this taste like Swedish Chef cereal? That cereal didn’t last all that long but tasted awesome. I stand triumphant knowing that I have averted my eventual insanity for another day. Take that, God!

Now I’m confused. Yeah, it tastes good but the fact that it tastes like something that I haven’t had in 21 years disturbs me. Was the formula just sitting around somewhere? Is Swedish Chef cereal still being made in South America? How about Krispy Kritters, Mr. T Cereal, or Rice Krispies with marshmellows?

Either way, if you happen upon this stuff buy it. If you want a flashback and great taste get your mitts on this stuff. It’ll make you feel good. And it wont make you rush to the bathroom Raison Bran. I swear I thought there were two A’s in raison…

Rockets.

Strange Dreams...

I had the weirdest dreams the past few days. Wednesday night I had a dream that some guy who was a combination of every dude I ever hated was combined to make some kinda super asshole. We fought in some desert setting. It looked like where they hide alien projects or something.

It was an epic battle. I rarely use that word: epic. But it was. No matter what I did this bastard would not die. I’m pretty sure some animation was thrown in there at some point. I woke up all kinds of confused. Last night my dream was even stranger.

I was riding shotgun with some Black dude that looked kinda like the one that created the Terminator (not James Cameron but the guy in the movie that dies really well on film). We were riding along this, surprise!, desert road and he said something to upset me. We got into an argument and he jumped out of the truck. I followed him to the back of the truck and something weird was written on the back.

“ALLS WE HAVE IS ALL DON’T WALKZ DAT WALK LEST YA GOT DEMZ FEETZ.”

I was like what the hell is this nonsense? I knew it was a dream. But its impossible to read in dreams. I was trying to decipher what the hell this quote meant. Maybe its something religious. Maybe its just my brain fucking with me. Who knows? I’ll try and figure it out eventually.

Rockets.

"Chris Brown vs. Rihanna"

The fight you've been waiting to see!

"We're Goin' Back In Time!"

I have always wondered what I would say to myself if I went back in time and could give myself some advice. The picture above is from last year and when I was 17. Look at that neck. Man, I remember what it was like to be that skinny and cringe. Now guys are trying to get that bony on purpose. Scary. That picture also had to have been taken sometime close to when I lost my virginity. Here is what a conversation would have been like.

17: Where did you come from?

30: The future.

17: Liar.

30: We don’t have that much time. Listen, you skinny son of a bitch.

17: When did I start cursing?!

30: In about 5 years. But that’s not important. Don’t have sex.

17: Nobody is trying to have sex with me. Right?

30: That’s what I thought, I mean you thought. But she wants to but you cant do it.

17: Why? I’ve been wanting to have sex for years now!

30: Dude, trust me.

17: I still say “dude”? Really? That’s sad.

30: Yes, and you still say “really?” so get over it.

17: Okay, say I believe you. What should I do? How do I know the day I’ll have sex? Is there a sign?

30: There are so many signs! You ruin Charlie (note: Charlie is a jacket that belonged to my grandfather) on a telephone pole, miss the bus, and get a ride from Gloria and Cejo.

17: Oh, God…

30: Exactly. So on that day just stay at home. Go play a video game. Paint your nails. Whatever. Just don’t go over her house.

17: Okay. Thanks.

30: No problem, fool. And don’t worry about being this skinny forever. There is so much I want to tell you but I don’t wanna fuck up time space and all that science shit. There is some rough times coming but at least I can help you out with this.

17: Whatever, dude. How old are you anyway?

30: I’m 30. Not bad, huh?

17: At least I grew some more.

30: Yeah. So remember: No sex until you’re past 25. And don’t date anyone else.

17: Are you kidding?!

30: Not at all! For serious, don’t date. Don’t have sex. I know it seems crazy but its not. You’ll save us a lot of grief.

17: I’ll try.

30: That’s all I can ask. Oh, and get a job. Now! And you start going to church…

17: Huh…?!

I could tell myself all kinds of other crap like about the death of my brother but I think that I would send myself into a horrible ass depression. Hell, maybe by telling myself not to have sex I would have had sex with someone even worse. Who knows? That’s the problem with time travel. I would tell my 5 year old self that my teeth grow in right and I do get tall. I would tell junior high me that I don’t stay fat and grow. I would tell 21 year old me to get out of my relationship and concentrate on writing more. There is so much crap you could tell the younger versions of yourself but you never know what would happen to you. I guess its good that time travel doesn’t exist.

Yet.

Rockets.

How I Met Ya Mama...

This chair is important.

I have always believed that how you meet someone you date is important. I imagine some guys having a kid and the kid coming up to them one day after meeting some nice girl. The kid will ask them how they met mom.

“Well, I was at the club with my boys and I saw this fly ass bitch in this tiny skirt droppin’ it like it was hot and I couldn’t let that shit get by!”

Sounds sweet, huh?

I met three ex’s in high school and another at work. My current (and last) girlfriend I met at a party while drunk sitting in a baby ass lawn chair. No, neither of us plan on having kids but I like imagining what it would be like to tell a kid how I met his mom. I like that it didn’t involve a one night stand or some drunken night of sex that ended with his or her birth. I have never been into hooking up at clubs or anything. I have danced with strangers once at a club and disappointed one of them when I didn’t kiss her or give her my number (or ask for hers) after hours of dancing.

I have this weird thing about asking for numbers. I don’t do it. Even when I first met my girlfriend and was all hot and bothered by her I didn’t as for her number. I bugged her friend about her though. I tried to be her friend on myspace without knowing that she was doing the same thing. We met again for a moment after a gathering of this same friend. She was pretty much the only reason I went and she came as I was leaving. I was pissed because she showed up looking all kinds of hot. At this point we were friends on myspace but finally talked this night.

We chatted for hours late into the night and got to know each other. I made her laugh and that was cool. I love hearing her laugh. We finally had a date and went to see a movie, “Rendition.” Not exactly a date movie. A dude gets captured and tortured like fucking crazy while butt booty ass naked. During the movie I thought the popcorn was falling over and reached for it. She thought I was trying to grab her leg. She ended up taking my hand and holding it. I love that something as small as holding my hand gets me so happy.

We chatted on the rooftop of the parking structure of The Grove for hours and she took me back home. I asked her if she would slap me if I gave her a kiss. She said she wouldn’t so I planted one on her cheek. It was awesome. The rest as they say is history. A year and a half later and we still love each other.

I look forward to years from now living together and being happily married and thinking about the first time we met and how shy and cautious I was around her. I like looking forward to the future.

Rockets.

Books, Bongos, Babies, and Burgers

I had a very good day today. I asked my sister face Cam if I could come to the library where she works. She said of course and I did. It started with me catching the bus and having the best luck I ever had and caught two buses and got to her place in less than 10 minutes. This has never happened. I get there and feel bad because I was expecting to get there maybe half an hour later than I did.

I killed time by chatting with her as she finished up and reading Entertainment Weekly where they had an article about the best heroes and villains in movies. Sharon Stone compared her acting in “Basic Instinct” to Magic Johnson’s playing with the Lakers. I tapped out at that point. We hopped in her ride and we were off.

We get there and I meet one of her co-workers. Her library was not as small as I had pictured. She gave me a tour and I liked the place. I hadn’t been in a library since high school so it was very weird. We sit in the back and I have some cheesecake while she heats up her food in a music microwave that played “Oh, Susana…” Very odd indeed.

More people showed up but there was one in particular I waited for. He showed up later but was toned down from what I’ve heard. I was a bit disappointed. I helped Cam by cutting out words and sticking them to magnets to help with poetry month starting tomorrow. She was worried about me being bored or her working me too much. I liked it. I felt useful. Later we headed to this place to grab some food. I believe it was called Tom’s. Cam got a cheese sandwich and I grabbed a burger and fries that were tasty as hell. While I waited I got my ass kicked at Tekkan 4. That game gets harder each time.

We eat in the break room and have some shaved ice with lemonade. I am pleased. Afterwards we get Cam’s set up ready for reading for the kids. It was so nice seeing her with these little kids. I hate kids as you all know but I appreciate people who work with them as well as she did. I watched for the most part and kept adjusting myself since my legs fall asleep in less than a minute. At 4pm it was time for a drum fest.

This dude named Mr. Chaz brought drums for all of us to bang on. The guy who was in charge of bringing this guy in and helping out didn’t. I think me and Cam did most of the work. He vanished. At first there were just us and some kid. Then we harassed and smiled kids into joining. Even some parents joined in. It was cool. For over an hour we banged on those things to the point where my fingers and right wrist still hurt a bit.

Now we had less than an hour until it was time to leave. The day seemed to fly by after 11am for some reason. We sat with one of Cam’s favorite little kids and played with her and some other kids. We have fun as I marvel at how this one toy has balls that stick to its inside (static I am told by Cam). We clean up and leave as Cam cheers with excitement because she can watch “The Tudors” on DVD.

We take off as I chew on some sour licorice and head home. Almost.
We get to the 99 Cent store and I get some stuff I have needed for a few days. I am eating my sunflower seeds right now and all kinds of happy. I thank Cam for a cool ass day and she thanks me. She doesn’t need to. She made me feel useful and I am looking forward to the next time I head back with her. Probably next Monday to help control the herds at the egg hunt. Wish me luck.

Oh, and I made Cam a little Pac-Man out of felt.

Rockets.

Black, Crazy, Or Both?

There is something that Black guys and crazy people have in common. No, not the police, you racist ass. There’s a situation I encounter most times I go walking around. I live in West Hollywood where I have been told that I am the 0.8% Black that occupies this city. This something is a natural part of life that happens to all of us. Walking behind someone.

Now this may sound odd to some of you. “What’s so bad about walking behind someone?” Glad you asked. I like walking. I don’t drive so my legs look awesome and I could kick a hole in a wall if I felt like it. But sometimes I get behind someone and you could cut the tension with a knife.

In fantasy land I have a conversation with these people. I’ll be walking behind them and they know a big Black dude is nearby and they stop and check their shoes, look at themselves in the nearest reflective surface, or inspect that spectacular crack on the ground.

“Excuse me. Uh, excuse me. Could I walk past you? I know you’re scared of me. I haven’t done anything to you and I don’t plan on it. I’ve never been in jail and haven’t committed any crimes. But I know that you are now watching your money and clutching your purse extra tight. I just need to get where I’m going without worrying about you getting crazy and using pepper spray on me. So if you don’t mind, just let me go by and you can continue about your day with your passive racism. Cool?”

Of course this will never happen.

Rockets.

How To Befriend The Opposite Sex Without Sex

There are a lot of people that say and think that you cant be just friends with someone of the opposite sex. Well, I am here as living proof to tell you that its not only possible, but necessary for understanding yourself and the opposite sex better. There are some rules and steps to take when making friends that don’t have the same genitalia as you. Hey, that’s a good place to start.

They just have different junk than you do. Once you get past the fact that chicks have tits and nice lips you’re on your way to being friends. We look at chicks sometimes (most times for some) and all we can think about is how they look naked. This isn’t cool. If you wanna be friends with someone you cant walk around thinking about banging them. Yeah, you can realize that they are attractive but once you get past that things get better.

Talk to them like an equal. This may be hard for some dudes. A lot of guys are taught that men are better at everything than women (and women are taught that they are weaker than men) and this keeps them from treating them as a friend. A guy can have a loser of a friend but still talk to and hang with him more than a woman. Women have the same thoughts as men do even if many don’t want to admit it. They think about sex and food jut as much as you do. Its not like things are off limits when talking to women. I talk about movies, sex, books, TV, childhoods, love, and anything under the sun.

Set the rules. This doesn’t have to be some kind of spoken out loud thing (“I wont touch your tits if you don’t touch my dick!”) unless you cant control yourself. Having female friends is way different if you’re in a relationship. I had an ex think that I had a thing for friends that were lesbian, married, and lived thousands of miles away. You have to make sure your girlfriend was secure enough in the relationship to trust you around chicks. I have almost nothing but chick friends. We hug goodbye but we aren’t running around kissing or holding hands. The same rule applies to male friends I have. Except the hugging goodbye part. That just doesn’t happen. It may not sound true but with chick friends it can get to a point where you don’t even look at them sexually. Shut up, its possible.

I’m still not sure exactly why I haven’t been able to have male friends as an adult. Yeah, there are some guys I talk to but it isn’t often and we aren’t all buddy-buddy. They tend to be so focused on money or pussy while I am “surrounded” by it but don’t get any. There are a hundred reasons why I became friends with chicks and didn’t date them. Bad timing, right place/wrong time, or something just didn’t click to push things past a possible relationship status. I don’t regret it or anything even though some of my female friends have been better than the chicks I used to date.

One of the best things about having mostly female friends is the differing point of view. When you get used to being around just your own sex your reality becomes skewed. The double edge catch 22 of the opposite sex thing is that its harder for girls to be friends with guys. I don trust guys for the most part. Whenever a guy meets one of my friends I am immediately suspect. Not to mention my own lady. I wonder what their intentions are and why I haven’t met them yet.

I am Dante’s insecurity.

I want my lady to have male friends but if she cant talk to them to ask me any dude related questions. There are things she could ask me that I wont know (but I doubt it). I have been around and grew up with so many different types of guys that there is nothing one can say where I’ll go “I did not know that.” One day I’ll make a more concentrated effort to make more friends of my own sex. Until then I’ll keep my hot lady and my cute friends and wait for some dude that doesn’t annoy the hell out of me and stays in contact with me.

Rockets.

Hippos & Martinis

A few weeks ago one of my best friends had a birthday at a bar. It was cool. There was a few people I had met before and my lady. I was set to get drunk, listen to music, and then chatter away like a lunatic. This is the part of the movie where a needle usually scratches on a record so get ready.

My ex showed up.

My friend pulled me aside before we ordered drinks and said “You’re gonna hate me.” I didn’t know what she meant at first. How could I hate her? She’s cool as fuck and we’ve been friends close to 10 years and I have known of her since I was 17.

“Whatsherface is coming.”

Whatsherface is my ex. I hate even saying her name. She and my friend used to be friends years ago but my ex decided to be an ass and stopped talking to her. She was coming with an old friend of mine that I had lost contact with years ago. I say “lose contact” but it means that my services were no longer required. Anyway, they were on their way and I no longer wanted to drink.

I wasn’t mad at my friend. I just had absolutely no desire to ever see my ex again. My girlfriend was curious to see what she looked like. In that tiny ass club I was somehow able to dodge my ex and still enjoy myself. My friend came around with the sweetest cupcakes I have ever had in my life that had little animals on top.
“Do you think I look better than her?” my lady asked me in regards to my ex.

Let me explain something, folks. I have never dated someone because of how they looked. My ex was not an attractive woman. She was dwarfish, mean, and pissy. So why did I stay with her? Because I was those things except dwarfish. So yeah. My girlfriend is the hotness. I fell for her because she read Dean Koontz books but the pretty smile, cool conversations, and sexy thighs are all just icing on the cake. My girlfriend beats my ex in every aspect and that is how it should be.

If you can date one person and never have to date ever again, keep it pushing, booboo. But if you do end up in multiple relationships you should always move forward. Even if its just physical as shallow as that sounds. I recently told my girlfriend that if she were ugly but still acted the way she does now I would still like her. And she’d probably be more loose. Ugly chicks are loose. Don’t act shocked, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.

Rockets.