Sunday, August 21, 2011

"Automatic" 1 of 3


Marcus stood in the kitchen with his wife Lonnie as she poured herself some coffee. He had his lunch already packed before she had even awoken. He just stared at her as she added more cream to her coffee and took another sip. He sighed as he grabbed his car keys and headed out the door. He stopped just before closing the door.

"Did you say something?" he asked Lonnie.

"No" she replied as she took another sip of her coffee and twisted her face. She walked over to the sink and poured it down the drain. "Yeah?" she asked.

"Nothing" Marcus said as he closed the door.

As he fished for his car keys he thought about the way his marriage had been for the past ten years. It started off fine. After dating for more than four years he and Lonnie thought that the next logical step was marriage. Their families actually loved each other and their friends were mutual. When they got married the wedding was big, loud, and beautiful.

A few years later they were blessed with the birth of their son Angelo. He has grown into a smart, kind, and athletic child. Marcus looked back at the kitchen window and saw as his wife poured the entire pot of coffee down the drain. "Little things like this is what kills people" Marcus thought to himself. When a wife doesn't kiss her husband goodnight. When a wife tells her husband that he's "stupid" in front of friends. When a wife sleeps with him only on birthdays, holidays, and every fifth Wednesday because she has nothing to watch. When she pours an entire pot of coffee down the drain that he spent hard earned money buying just so she could sit at home and drink Crystal Light and watch daytime talk shows.

Marcus climbed into his car and began reversing when suddenly a bike flies behind his car. He slammed on the breaks and gasped. He looked and saw that it was his son Angelo. He sighed and continued backing up. As he headed towards work he slowed when he neared his son.

"Be careful out here, Angelo!" he shouted.

"I will!" he shouted back. "What we having for dinner?" he asked.

"Whatever your mama cooks for us!" Marcus replied as he waved and continued driving to work. What he wanted to say was "Let's hope she can peal her ass off the couch long enough to throw something in the stove that we can pretend to enjoy later!" He drove and the thought of his life without Lonnie played in his head. The problem was that they had all the same friends. Their families talked to each other independently.
They were closer than he was with his own wife.

Marcus pulled into his parking spot at the car dealership. It took him fifteen years just to be able to park on the same block as his job. Lonnie always told him to quit this job. "As if she could give anyone advice about work!" Marcus laughed to himself. He sat in his car for a few minutes because he always got to work early. Really early. He sat and reached underneath the seat until he found a small brown paper bag. He removed a small bottle of whiskey and took a long, slow swig. He looked in his rearview mirror and shook his head. He checked his hair and saw a few gray hairs. Marcus took another quick drink before popping a stick of gum into his mouth.

Lonnie walked around the house and searched the closet for evidence. She was sure that Marcus was cheating on her. She checked his collars for lipstick or the smell of perfume. She looked for condom wrappers. She looked for love notes. She checked his computer for messages from women. She found nothing. This seemed to make her more upset. She placed everything as it was and went into the living room to watch television for the day.

At some point in the afternoon Angelo came inside asking what was for lunch. Lonnie pretended to sleep and not hear him. She listened as he sighed and went looking through the cabinets for something to eat. "Just like his father" she thought. Always wanting more. More toys. More clothes. More bikes. The bikes bothered her more than anything because he was always wrecking them. His last three were run over by Marcus while he was backing out of the driveway. She heard Angelo find something he liked because he actually said "Ooh!" as he ran back outside. Lonnie would be very happy once summer was over and she had the house to herself once again.

"When did this happen?" Lonnie thought to herself as he flipped through the channels. I used to party every weekend with Marcus. We used to have friends over. We used to make love every night, sometimes multiple times. Was it when Angelo was born? Was it when the wrinkles started to appear around her eyes and it took her half an hour to apply make up and not ten minutes? She knows what kills a marriage. When a husband stops telling his wife she's beautiful. When a husband dances with her friends more than his own wife. When a husband doesn't even try to have sex with his wife. When he leaves for work without trying to kiss her goodbye.

These are the things that kill people, love, and marriage.

Marcus' job was to lie. "This is the car for you." "This is the last car you will ever buy." "You can drive out of this lot today if you sign on the dotted line!" Sometimes it was hard for him to turn it off. He would take longer to answer simple questions Lonnie asked him. He knew it sounded suspicious when she would ask him why he was getting home so late smelling like he just put cologne on and he took a moment to answer.

He couldn't tell her it was because he was at the bar at the other end of town getting drunk enough to face his wife after spending the day making money that he never saw. And that spraying cologne all over himself covered the smell of smoke and liquor.

He left work and drove towards the bar. It was over half an hour out of the way of the nearest bar to his home but he did not want to bump into anyone he knew. He was halfway there and changed his mind. "Not tonight" he thought to himself as he turned and headed towards home. Marcus was so tired of running from his wife.

He wanted to go home. He didn't have to talk to her. He could enjoy an adult beverage at home. When did he go from angry with his wife to scared of her? He had been drinking all day. At first it started with having a sip before punching in. Then it became during his lunch breaks. Then it became after work. Then it became right before he went to sleep.

Marcus drove slowly.

He was trying his best to enjoy every free moment he had before he got home and had to listen to all the reasons why he was a loser. He remembered the time Lonnie made a joke about how he lasted only a few moments in bed in front of his friends. He kept his mouth shut but inside he was boiling. They road home talking and laughing but every giggle she made and every smirk she showed made him remember that day. He sped up. He thought of that time she knocked a glass of wine on his shirt that she told him she hated right before they left for a very important meeting at his job.

He drove even faster.

As he rounded the corner towards his house he was driving well past 70mph. His eyes were slits of anger. He was going to tell Lonnie how he really felt. He was going to ask for a divorce. No. He was going to demand a divorce. He would get Angelo seeing as how she never spent anytime with him anyway.

He pictured her sitting on the couch right now. A drink in one hand and the TV Guide in the other. He turned into his driveway and felt the car jump twice. He knew that he had just destroyed another one of Angelo's bikes. He jumped out of his car full of fire. He shouted for Angelo to come and get his bike. He looked under the car and jumped back. He landed on his rear and crawled towards the underside and saw the bike. But on the bike was Angelo.

"Oh, Jesus, no…" Marcus muttered while he tried to pull Angelo from underneath the vehicle. He pulled hard enough to make something in Angelo's leg crack. He dropped him and wiped his mouth. He did not see the blinds moving in his home. He looked down the street and saw no neighbors out and about.

Scrambling back into his car he rolled back, two bumps making his car jump and his heart drop. He climbed back out and threw Angelo into the back seat. He pulled out of his driveway and sped away.

"You'll be okay, son!" Marcus shouted. Angelo lay in the back seat in a very unnatural position. As he drove he started screaming. His screams quickly became cries of pain. "We're going to get you to a hospital and get you taken care of, alright?" He looked into his passenger seat and a bloody Angelo sat there. Marcus screamed. "You aren't real!"

"Where are you taking me?" a horribly bruised Angelo asked. "You can't take me to the doctor. You can't call the police either. They'll ask how this all happened. Man, pop. You smell like a bar" Angelo said as he wiped the blood from his face and stared at it. "I'm just a kid, you know? How did this happen?"

"Shut up, Angelo!" Marcus shouted. "I'll take care of you!"

"Great job so far, dad" Angelo said as he rubbed the back of his head. When he looked at his hand blood dripped from it. "Mom was right about you, you know?"

Marcus closed his eyes and made a u-turn. He pulled onto a street not too far from his own. Angelo watched him from the passenger seat and smiled. Marcus swung the back door open and grabbed Angelo's body and threw it into the street. He looked around quickly and then jumped into his car and sped away. He looked in his rear view and saw Angelo standing over his own body and waving to him. Marcus ducked his head and made his way back home.

"Your mother wasn't right about me, son" Marcus said to himself. "I love you, Angelo."

Lonnie looked out the window just as Marcus drove away. She thought she heard a crash and saw Angelo's bike laying on the ground mangled. She laughed to herself and headed back to the kitchen. While pouring another glass of wine she stared at her wedding ring. It felt like it weighed a ton. She tried to pull it off but had gained weight since it was first placed on. She took a long gulp from the wine bottle before placing it back into the refrigerator. Walking back into the living room she stopped at the couch and sat down hard.

She wondered how she would tell Marcus that she wanted a divorce. She imagined that he would pretend to be upset about it. Deep down she knew that he wanted one but was just too afraid to ask for one. She smiled to herself as she imagined him asking for one and telling him "No!" just to spite him.

She imagined sitting in court fighting for custody and watching Marcus squirm as his public defender attempted to explain why Marcus was still working as a car salesman after all these years. She pictured Marcus arriving every weekend to pick Angelo up and having her new boyfriend answering the door.
Lonnie smiled as she looked at her wine glass in confusing. She did not remember drinking it.

Marcus sped back towards his home. There was no Angelo sitting next to him. There was no Angelo laying in the back seat. He checked his rear view and did not see his son waving at him with a blood soaked hand. He stopped at a corner and looked at the back seat. There was blood all over the seats and floor. He turned his car around and headed towards a car wash. He fumbled with his change as he placed quarters into the shampoo machine. He shot a pink fluid into his car as a few customers watched him in confusion. He opened his trunk and pulled a hard scrub brush out.

"A skunk got into my car" Marcus said as a woman stared at him. "Smells terrible" he mumbled as he scrubbed furiously. The blood came out easily and he used a towel to wipe up the excess suds away. He even checked the passenger seat in case the Angelo phantom had left some blood. While using an air dryer on the seats he tried to figure out what to do. He could not just go home and pretend nothing happened. He could not tell Lonnie what had happened. He threw the dryer on the ground and sped away.

"Good job" Angelo said. He was back in the passenger seat staring at his father. "I wonder what mama is going to say about this" he said while staring at the backseat. "I don't think she will be too upset because she didn't seem to like me all that much." Angelo smiled at his father as a trickle of blood ran down his eye.

"Of course she is going to miss you!" Marcus shouted. "She's your mother!"

"Whatever, dad" Angelo said. He began climbing into the backseat and rolling around.

"What are you doing?!" Marcus asked.

"Having some fun" Angelo giggled as he smeared the back of his blood-covered head on the windows. "Are you going to jail?"

"No" Marcus said. He licked his lips and blinked very hard which was his "tell." Whenever Marcus was lying or feeling guilty he would lick his lips so much you would think he were dying of thirst. He blinked so hard that he would get headaches. Co-workers called him "Blinks" and "Smacks" because of his behavior while selling cars. "I'll never go to jail because I did not do anything wrong."

"Uh, hello?" Angelo said as he waved his bloody hand in his fathers face. Angelo was back in the passenger seat and trying to turn the radio on.

"Stop that, Angelo" Marcus said. He turned onto his street and pulled into the front of his house. He saw Angelo's bike sitting in the driveway and dragged it into the backyard. As he passed the kitchen window he could look into the living room and see Lonnie passed out on the couch with an empty wine glass hanging from her hand. He threw Angelo's bike on the ground. He opened the back entrance and quietly came into the house. He looked at his hands and saw blood under his nails and on his sleeves. He tore his shirt off and threw it in the washing machine.

He went into the bathroom and turned the shower on. He stared into the mirror and wiped his brow. It was not the steam from the shower that was causing him to perspire. As he stared at himself the mirror began to fog. As his face became a blur of his former self he wondered how long it would be until he would be checking his reflection from inside a prison cell.

After showering he toweled off and put on a pair of sweat pants and a shirt. He went into the living room and Lonnie was sitting up and watching television. He sat down next to her and she moved away from him. Just slightly, but just enough to let him know that she would rather not sit next to him.

"You're home early" Lonnie said as she eyed her empty wine bottle.

"Yeah" Marcus said. "What you do today?" Marcus asked.

"That" Lonnie said while pointing at the wine bottle. "Have you seen Angelo?" she asked.

"No" Marcus said. "I was at work all day."

"Is that what you call it?" Lonnie asked as she turned towards Marcus.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Marcus replied. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Marcus looked at the door and back at Lonnie. She shrugged. Marcus walked over to the door and opened it slowly. There was a police officer at the door.

"Sorry to disturb you, sir" the officer said. "But are you Mr. Marcus Reynolds?"

"Yes" Marcus said. "Is something wrong?"

"I'm sorry to inform you but we have found your son, an Angelo Reynolds, dead" the officer said. Marcus slammed the door shut. The officer knocked again. Marcus opened the door again and the officer held his hand up before Marcus could speak. "It's okay, Mr. Reynolds. I have seen all kinds of reactions to this kind of news. May I come inside?"

"Yes, of course" Marcus said. "This is my wife, Lonnie" Marcus said. Lonnie sat with a blank expression on her face. Marcus motioned for the officer to sit down. "How did this happen?" Marcus asked as he licked his lips.

"It appears it was a hit and run" the officer said. "By the way, my name is Officer Jorge Perez" he said as he shook Marcus' hand. He reached towards Lonnie but she only looked at him. "We found his…body a few blocks away."

"What kind of monster would do this?" Marcus asked.

"There are a lot of bad people out there, Mr. Reynolds" Officer Perez said. "But I want to assure you that we will find the person or persons that did this. I will leave you two alone now. Here's my card. Be sure to call me whenever you need to" Perez said as he handed his card to Marcus. They shook hands as Officer Perez stood and exited.

"Are you okay, honey?" Marcus asked Lonnie.

"I need a drink" she replied.

Friday, August 19, 2011

"Hunger"



Disclaimer: What happens in this tale is not real. I don’t know anyone that has ever beat off to one of these horrible commercials. Maybe you do but not me. And if you do you probably shouldn’t talk to them anymore because they need all kinds of serious help.

This morning I caught my brother masturbating to a commercial that featured starving children. Here is a transcript of what occurred. I have not altered this in any way. These are his actual words.

Me: What in the hell are you doing?!

Him: Don’t people knock anymore?!

Me: What are you watching? Is that…? Is that a starving children commercial?

Him: Yeah, so?

Me: What kind of sick freak jack offs to hungry ass kids?!

Him: Don’t judge lest ye be judged yourself, man!

Me: Oh, don’t bring the bible into this. This is one of the last places the bible wants to hang out.

Him: Like you’ve never done anything like this.

Me: Hmm, let me think. No. I haven’t. I have never woken up and thought about beating off to hungry kids. I’m reporting you.

Him: Reporting me? To who?

Me: The Humane Society. PETA. AARP. I don’t know! After this I don’t know if I can even talk to you again. This is really fucked up.

Him: Whatever.

Me: That’s all you have to say? “Whatever”? There is no “whatever”, dude. I cant even begin to imagine what goes on in that sick little mind of yours. Hungry kids? Really?

Him: Its not as bad as it looks.

Me: That’s what guys that get caught giving hand jobs in rest stops say! Was it worse than it looked because to me it looked pretty damned bad!

Him: Look…

Me: You know how much work goes into masturbating? Its not like you’re a chick and can just rub your legs together like a cricket and get off. You need time, lubrication, an idea, and something to clean up with. What were you gonna clean up with? Scripture?

Him: Now wait a second…

Me: Why, are you almost done? Put your cock away. Mom says breakfast is ready. But you are not eating at the table. You are banned.

Him: You cant ban me from breakfast!

Me: I am banning you from all forms of eating near me! Starving children, I swear…

Him: Dude, its not like they can see me or anything.

Me: Oh, that makes it so much better! What kind of stalker ass thinking is that? “Oh, its okay if I cum in the bushes while watching them get dressed because they cant see me! Tee-hee!” Nasty freak.

Him: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve beaten off to?

Me: Don’t try to make this about me. The strangest thing I have beaten off to is nothing compared to this. Change the damned channel! That kid has flies all over his face.

Him: It’s a her.

Me: Oh, sorry. Did I offend your new girlfriend? Sorry, Maria from Guatemala. Why don’t you send her some money instead of whatever the hell it is you’re doing?

Him: I don’t think these things work.

Me: I think your dick disagrees.

Him: You’re sick.

Me: I’m sick? Me? I walk into my brothers room while he is squeezing one out to fly covered children and I’m the sick one? Where the hell am I? Did I wake up in Bizarro World? Is it okay to want to bone hungry kids in this strange new land? Is up down? Left right? Is Melanie Griffith hot here? Tell me, sage!

Him: You’re an asshole.

Me: And you’re something new. I haven’t even thought of a name of what you are. Whatever it is seems strange and scary. I’m going to write a Congressman.

Him: And say what?

Me: I don’t know yet. But I am going to get a bill passed. Get these shows off the air so sickos like you cant get their jollies at the expense of poor children.

Him: These commercials are old though. These kids are in their 20’s by now.

Me: But not in the commercials! That’s like beating off to “Taxi Driver” while looking at Jodie Foster because she’s in her 40’s now. It doesn’t work like that!

Him: When did you become the authority on what is okay and what isn’t?

Me: You really need someone to tell you that it isn’t cool to jack off to hungry kids? Is that what you’re saying? Is this what I have woken up to? Please let this be a stupid ass dream…

Him: It’s a dream.

Me: Shut up! I’m going to go eat. Hopefully I can keep it down. Speaking of down, why are you still hard?

Him: I don’t know. Fine. I’ll consult you the next time I touch myself.

Me: You weren’t touching yourself. That was 2nd degree assault. That wasn’t masturbating. That was a misdemeanor. You make me sick.

Him: Maybe this will keep you from barging in ever again.

Me: Was that your grand scheme?

Him: Maybe…

Me: That has got to be one of the worst schemes ever conceived.

Him: But I bet it works.

Me: You’re giving me a headache right now. You are being so stupid its affecting me physically. Waves of stupid are actually radiating off of you and into me. I am being infected by dumbassness.

Him: There’s no such thing.

Me: Maybe there is. You don’t know. Put your cock away! We could make a commercial for it so you have some new material to work with since what you have is so old.

Him: I hate you right now.

Me: Then my job is done.

Him: Are you gonna tell anyone about this?

Me: Yes. Yes, I am.

"Bienvenue à Paris"


Maybe it was the half cooked steak. Maybe it was the warm beer. Maybe it was the fact that I had to watch "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" twice on the plane here. Either way my fantasy trip to Paris is being ruined by a sickness. I don't think illness like this has existed since the Dark Ages.

"You look like hell" Mr. Turner said. Mr. Turner, or "Turtle" as we called him behind his back, is my boss. Out of hundreds of employees he choose me to come along with him. That would be great if not for the fact that I had always planned to go to Paris with my fiancé. "Are you going to vomit all over me?"

"No" I tell him. Though you wouldn't be able to tell if I did with that sweater he's wearing. "I'll be fine." I'll be everything but fine. We get to the hotel and there's been a mix up with the rooms. We have to share.

"That ain't so bad" Mr. Turner says with the sleaziest smile on his face. Sometimes I wish I were born horribly unattractive. "I'll sleep on the couch if that makes you feel any better."

"I'll just find another hotel" I tell him. "Is there a restroom?" I ask the bellhop.

"Oui, mademoiselle. C'est au troisième étage. Prendre à gauche, un droit, un autre à gauche, et un droit" he says to me. I don't speak French.

"Uh…" I say.

"He said its on the third floor" Mr. Turner says. "He said to take a left, a right, another left, and another right."

"You speak French?" I ask him.

"Oui" he says. I thank him and rush upstairs.

Okay, I hope I get these directions right. I mean left. Wait. Which way did he say to go? Left, left, right, and left? Right? My stomach tightens but my bowels loosen. Cant we all just work as a team? I run into a room that's open. I don't care. I'd rather be caught in here than running around the hallways covered in sick and filth. I rush into the bathroom and unleash the fury of a Roman god.

This is the opposite of unladylike. This is downright manly. I finish up and just when I'm ready to flush…

"Est quelqu'un ici?"

Oh, God. Someone is here. The housekeeping! No wonder the door was open! I stand and try to flush lightly. No such luck. This thing roars and the maid screams. I rush out to stop her and trip over my own panties.

"And here is your room, sir" someone says. I look up and Mr. Turner is being shown into the room by the bellhop. "Ma'am, are you okay?"

"You speak English?" I ask him.

"Of course he speaks English" Mr. Turner says. "Now pull up your britches. I don't need a sexual harassment suit on my hands, now do I?"

"No" I say as I wait for them to look away. "Do you mind?"

"Oh, right!" Mr. Turner says as they leave the room. I get up and rub my jaw. I chipped a tooth. "You decent in there?!"

"Yes" I say as I zip the back of my skirt. They come back in and Mr. Turner keeps smiling at me. "Let's pretend that didn't happen" I tell him.

"You have something on your nose" he tells me.

"Huh?" I say. I go back into the bathroom and check my face. There is a for lack of a better term, boogers, hanging out of my nose. And it brought friends. Okay. So far my boss has seen me look like crap. My pants around my ankles. And a cave full of bats on my face. This cant get worse.

"Can you spray some perfume or something while you're in there?" he says. "It smells like something died in there. Came back to life. And died again. But no one found it until the neighbors complained about the smell. But then forensics showed up and had to use sponges to pick up what was left. And then…"

"Okay!" I shout.

I hate Paris.

"Meat"


She gives me a giant piece of raw beef and tells me to throw it down into the cellar. I do as I'm told. I'm 18 now and have been doing this for as long as I can remember. There's some things you don't question when you're told. At this point its just automatic. Mom tells me to throw the meat downstairs and head back to my room. I've never been tempted to go down there and see the pile of bones and whatnot down there. Some things I'm just better off not knowing.

"Did you feed it?" mom asks me every time.

"Yeah" I tell her. My mom is that mom. You know the kind I'm talking about? There's always the kid that has that crazy mom that you're too embarrassed by to bring friends over. That's my mom. She hasn't left the house in God knows how many years.

"Good" she says and wipes sweat from her lip. She always seems nervous when she asks me. She calls what I do feeding "it." I never ask her to clarify what "it" is. I just do as I'm told and go about my day.

I woke up with blood all over my floor this morning. I try not to panic. I step over it and head into the hallway. There's bloody handprints all over the walls and even the ceiling. I hear my mom breathing hard and rush into the bathroom. She pushes past me and starts scrubbing the walls.

"Get ready for school" mom tells me. Her skin is pure white. Her eyes are bugging out. Her breathing is hard yet shallow at the same time.

"What happened?" I ask her. She stops scrubbing long enough to stare daggers at me.

"Get ready for school" she repeats and starts scrubbing again. Blood is mixed with bleach. It runs down and leaves streaks all over the hardwood floor. She knocks over the bucket and screams. She starts biting her knuckles. Knuckles that are also covered in blood and bleach. I get dressed and go to school.

The entire day all I can think of is what I saw this morning and what I will see when I get home. One of my teachers pulls me aside and asks what is going on. Everyone knows that my mom is…eccentric. But no one knows the extent of it. I tell him that I am fine. Just had a long night or some other ridiculous lie. I don't even keep track of them anymore. Everyone sees through them. If I told them the truth they'd never believe it. I skip on taking the bus home. At 18 riding the school bus is far too embarrassing. I make it home after an hour long walk to find my house surrounded by police and fire trucks. I keep walking by, sneaking glances at what is going on. I hear my mother screaming for me but I keep walking.

"What in God's name was that in the basement?" I hear a cop ask.

I don't stick around for an answer. Some things are better left unknown.

"Tug" 2 of 2

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

"Tug" 1 of 2


"Now look into the camera. Smile, no, don't smile. Open your eyes. Can't you just…oh, cut!"

My girlfriend Rita aka Roxy Steel, wipes herself off, obviously pissed with the new director. She walks over to a small table just off set and drinks from a bottle of water before dropping it on the floor. The director loses his mind.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" he screams at her. She just rolls her eyes and yawns. "I'm not paying to have that cleaned up! It'll come out of your check!"

"It's just water" Rita tells him as she looks at me for support. I just throw my hands on the air. "It'll dry."

"Speaking of dry, can't we finish this scene?" the flavor of the month Jim Ramrod asks.

"She's 22" the director says. "She won't dry up for another few years."

"Fuck the both of you!" Rita shouts before wrapping herself in the towel and storming out of the room. She comes back to the doorway to finish her thought. "And I'm 21!" And she's gone again. The director looks at me and I throw my hands in the air...once again.

"Can't you control her?" he asks me. "She's your girlfriend."

"Sorry, pal" I tell him. "She's her own boss." And she is.

"I don't need this stress" he says as he leaves the set. Ramrod is stuck holding his, well, "ram rod."

"So now what?" Ramrod asks me.

"Don't ask me" I tell him. "I'm just a casual observer."

"I never should've left gay porn" he mumbles as he leaves.

And there I am. Standing alone on a porn set. It sounds like the beginning of a funny story but it isn't. This is my sad, sad life. My name is Donald Summers and I date a porn star.

On the ride home Roxy is still upset. At times like these I know how useless it is to try and talk to her. The catch-22 of it all is that if I don't say anything she'll get pissed at me for not supporting her. How much support can a person ask for? I mean, I am letting her have sex with other men for money, aren't I?

"I wish for once I could work with a director that's professional!" she shouts. I nod. Don't say a word. "Did you see him? He showed up an hour late. I mean, what the fuck?!" I refuse to point out that she was two hours late because of an unexpected pimple that appeared overnight on her ass. Man, her ass has caused more trouble than I care to admit. She blames me for ruining her audition for "Debbie Does Earth" because of a hand print I left on her ass. "What do you think?"

"We should stop at Ralph's before we get home" I say. "I don't think we have any milk."

"Are you even listening to me?!" she screeches. "Here I am baring my soul to you and all you can think about is milk?" she growls at me. "Why do I even bother? All you care about is…"

And with that I zone out. I've learned to ignore her rampages. It's easier than you think. I just turn the sound of her voice into mental images. Where others would hear "asshole", "unthoughtful", and "pencil dick" I think "forest", "calm blue ocean", and "beach." You'd think that dating a porn star would be fun. Actually, maybe you wouldn't. Depends on how you look at your life. Me, I have no self esteem. I met Rita at a party. At the time I was 22 and she was 18 and fresh out of high school. She wanted to be a stripper and fell into porn. Literally. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have to watch her dance on stage for money as opposed to having sex for a check. Still not sure which I prefer.

"…and your mother as well! Seriously! I don't know…"

She can do this for hours. I counted once and stopped after three. She has some lungs on her. It's one of the reasons she's so popular amongst males ages 14-45. They actually have stats and figures that find this stuff out for you. Have you ever Google'd your girlfriend? We all have. But hopefully you don't find the images I have.

"…when you were little! I have! And you know what I found out? That men are the most disgusting…"

Ocean. Birds. Clouds. Mountains. Cool breezes.

"…no milk. Let's go to Ralph's."

"Wait. What?" She caught me off guard.

"I said let's go to Ralph's. I don't think we have milk." I just stare at her until she screams. "Look out!" I almost rear end a gigantic SUV stopped at a light. "You almost got us killed, you idiot!"

"And I can only think to myself, 'Societies loss'." She just stares at me. The driver's side door of the SUV flies open and this guy that appears to be an extra from "Lord of the Rings" comes charging at the car. I don't even roll my windows up. I welcome the change of pace in my life.

"What the fuck is your problem, man?! I swear, if you had hit my fucking car I would've…are you Roxy Steel?"

"Yes" Rita says while batting her eyes at him and sticking her chest out. "Are you a fan?"

"Shit!" he screams. "I am beyond a fan! I have all of your movies! 'Abonement.' 'No Cuntry For Old Men.' 'Tailboy.' Fucking, 'Pissky Business.' All of 'em. Who's this guy? You're brother?"

"He's my manager" Rita says. I don't protest. Five minutes later I am taking a picture of this guy, named Dick ironically, bending Rita over the hood of his SUV with a hand in her shirt.

"Thanks, Roxy!" he says as he drives away.

"I love my fans" she says as we head to Ralph's. I just smile and nod.

Trees.

Animated smiley's.

Cookies.

Razor blades.

Shit.

"I don't do anal anymore, you asshole!"

And so this is how my Sunday begins. Rita is laying on a bear skin rug that is worn thin on the back from the amount of sex that has occurred on it. Honestly, who keeps a bear skin rug on the lawn? Some guy calling himself "Guy" is trying to slip it into Rita's backdoor but she is having none of it. This guy Guy refuses to listen. I'm so glad I allowed them to film at my house.

"She isn't gonna do it" I tell him.

"Cut!" shouts the director. "Who the fuck are you? Why are you on my set?"

"I'm her boyfriend and this is my backyard" I tell him.

"How can you watch another guy bang your chick?" Guy asks me.

"I find it therapeutic" I tell him.

"It's sick" Guy says as his dick goes limp on my girlfriend's ass.

"To each his own" I say as I head into my house to grab a soda.

From the window I can see the scene start back up. Immediately he tries to stick her from behind. This time she flips over and slaps him in the face and then kicks his dick. He starts yelling and I hear my neighbors door open. Damn it.

"Okay, show's over" I say as I walk back to the "set" clapping. "Everyone out."

"But we're not finished" the director says even though he must obviously know that Guy can't possibly function now.

"His dick says you are" I tell him as Rita storms into the house and slams the door. My neighbor, Mr. Telly, looks over the fence and see's Guy standing there bare ass naked and laughs.

"I see you're into the game now" he says before walking back into his house.

"Great" I say. "Now he thinks I'm gay."

"There's worse things in life" Guy says.

"Like…?" I ask.

"Having some bitch with two inch toe nails kick you in the dick" he says as he grabs his jeans and leaves. The director just sighs and walks over to me.

"Let me give you some advice, kid" he tells me. His breath smells like pee. "Ditch the bitch."

"I will take your advice under consideration, sir" I tell him as he walks away.

Like I haven't tried before. Every time I do she reminds me that I am all she has in life. I refuse to bring up her family again. My, God, what a can of worms that opens up! The thing is, I like Rita. When we first got together she was really sweet. Yeah, she lost her virginity on tape instead of with me. Sure, we barely have sex because she is usually sore from her movies. But she's not all bad. She gave some money to a homeless guy once. It was her uncle, but still…

"Are you gonna stay out there all day staring at the sky or what?!" Rita shouts from inside. Man, what am I doing with my life?

"Hold on a second" I tell her. What am I waiting for? The sky to open up? An answer to my question to fall out of the sky? A bird crashes at my feet, twitches, and then dies. I run into the house. Dead birds scare me.

"What's wrong with you?" Rita asks me. "I'm the one that was almost raped but you're the one that looks scared."

"A bird just died" I tell her while looking at it on the lawn through the window.

"And…?"

"You know I don't like dead birds" I tell her.

Rita smiles and runs outside. She grabs the dead bird and comes back into the house holding it between her thumb and index finger. I take a step back and she starts laughing. Now I am being chased around the house screaming like a chick. She throws the damned thing at me hitting the center of my back. I go down like I've been shot. Rolling on the ground with super heebie jeebies while Rita is laughing so hard tears are running down her cheeks, I come to a decision. I need to get the fuck away from this crazy bitch.

"You're such a pussy" she laughs while trying to catch her breath. Rita's been a smoker since she was 12. "It's not gonna kill you."

"Bitch" I say out loud. I didn't mean to say it out loud. Maybe I did. I don't know. But I did. I called her a bitch. The look on her face is terrifying.

"What did you just call me?" she demands. The fact that her make up is running down her face doesn't help the psychotic situation I have just put myself in. "Say it again."

"I didn't say anything." I can feel the yellow stripe running down the center of my back. This is the part where my fight or flight instincts are supposed to kick in. Scientist have yet to prove the fact that there is also a curl into a ball and cry response. I am a turtle. I am a hedgehog. I am a new born puppy. I have no defensive skills.

Have you ever been beat up by a 98lb. woman? Five minutes ago I could've said no.

"Spouse"


I stare at the television holding my coffee mug with a picture of my dog Sissy on the side. Just as I was leaving for work there was breaking news of an accident. Apparently an SUV had overturned, killing the driver. Normally I would just see something like this, make a pouty face, and continue with my day. If I were in a foul mood I would say to myself "That's why you don't drive SUV's!" and feel better about myself for owning a hybrid vehicle. But I could not turn away from the screen this time because the overturned SUV was my husbands. Or at least it looked like it. The phone rang and I answered it.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Oh, my, God! Are you watching the news?" my best friend Cheryl asked me. Cheryl has been my best friend since junior high when we were on the swim team. She stuck with it while I gravitated towards jocks and assholes. Then I found Thomas. "Do you think…"

"I'm so not sure" I said. "I mean, that's a popular style of SUV." Even though I was watching what could possibly be my husband of five years burn alive on TV I could not find that part of my heart that was supposed to make me upset. I looked at my hand holding the mug and it was steady as a rock.

"Have you called him to find out if he's okay?" Cheryl asked.

"Uh…no" I replied.

Before you make snap judgments about me let me try to explain. I love Thomas. I have loved him since I was drawing our names in hearts during class. But the past couple of years have been hard. No, Thomas wasn't abusive. He rarely drank and when he did he never got crazy. He actually got funnier. I encouraged him to drink more often and he got upset with me pointing out that I knew that his family had a problem with alcoholism. He stopped drinking after that completely. Thomas was kind; he remembered every birthday and anniversary. He even sent gifts to my nieces and nephews for me knowing that I would forget to do so. He would give me back rubs when I got home from work even though he worked twelve-hour shifts.

He was everything a woman could ask for. He was in shape, tall, and loving. But for some reason the best things about him were what I hated the most. I wanted some excitement. I wanted him to yell at me once in a while. I would let the dishes pile up in the hopes of him coming home and getting mad about it. I would turn down sex for weeks at a time praying that he would scream at me. At least cheat on me. Something. But no. He would do the pile of dishes or just cuddle with me instead of having sex. Thomas was perfect. Perfectly boring.

"Well call him!" Cheryl said. She was freaking out more than me. That wouldn't look good when the funeral rolled around and Cheryl was throwing herself on the casket while I sat silently cleaning my nails and checking my make up.

"We don't even know for sure if it's him, Cheryl" I said trying my best to muster some emotion. But I couldn't. It had been a nice morning. Sissy used her litter box and Thomas had cleaned the kitchen and made great coffee before he left for work. The only bad part of the morning was that the paperboy had thrown the Times in the gutter again. But even that didn't bring me down.

"Can you please just check?" Cheryl asked. Fucking Cheryl. She was making me look bad. You know what Thomas reminded me of? A George Foreman Grill. When I first bought one it was the best thing since ice cream cake. I used it all the time and bragged about it to my friends. Then after a few weeks I stuck it in a drawer. I think I have used it twice since I bought it six years ago. Thomas is like a grill.

"Wait" I told Cheryl. Thomas pulled in front of the house. He wasn't dead at all. This is the part where I smile and the emotional weight of dread lifts. "Thomas just pulled up" I told her.

"Thank God!" she said. I am going to ask Thomas of he has ever had sex with Cheryl. Her concern has me concerned.

Thomas stepped out of his SUV and waved at me standing in the front window. He pat his back pocket and smacked the front of his head in the universal "I forgot my wallet! Silly me!" manner. Who laughs about leaving their wallet? He noticed the newspaper in the gutter and shook his head. As he bent over to pick it up a trash truck plowed into him, crushing him in between the front bumper of the truck and the back of his SUV. The newspaper landed on the front porch.

"Cheryl?" I asked.

"Yeah?" she replied.

"Do you need a grill?"

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Rosscast Episode 236: Boxcutter?!


In this episode I answer a Listener Question, a Bad Parent Of The Week, a new Bitches Be Crazy that involves a baby and a boxcutter, and two Only In Florida stories. Click here to download this episode and here for all the rest of the Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Rosscast Episode 235: Above The Law


In this episode I talk about Nicki Minaj and her titty jumping out and scaring the country, a chick who sliced her hand off while having sex, cops being dicks and making people eat weed, and a Only In Florida where a cop turns a women’s prison into a den of sex! Click here to download this episode and here to download and watch past Rosscast shows and my movies. Enjoy!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Rosscast Episode 234: Grab Me A Butterknife


In this episode I talk about Kat Von D and Jesse James being asshats, that little creature on She-Ra lying to children, whether I’m mysterious or not, one of the worst Bad Parent Of The Week segments ever, two Bitches Be Crazy stories, a Dude What The Fuck segment with a guy that will make you cringe, and a We Going To Hell featuring sex play gone terribly wrong. Click here to download this episode and here to check out past Rosscast Shows and my movies. Enjoy!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Rosscast Episode 233: I Be Soaking!

In this episode I talk about “soaking” and why it sounds awesome, a new segment called What The Fuck Dude?, two Bad Parent Of The Week, two Bitches Be Crazy, and of course I talk about Carmegeddon. Click here to download this and here to download past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Rosscast Episode 232: People Are Nuts

In this strange ass episode I talk about a daughter suing her dad in a Kid These Days segment, a human eating plant growing in New York, a restaurant not allowing kids to eat there, a new segment Bitches Be Crazy featuring dicks in garbage disposals, and We Going To Hell. Click here to download this and here for past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Rosscast Episode 231: New Circle Of Hell

In this episode I talk about Megan Fox being a stupid face, rapper X-Zibit stating false facts about planking, NASA finally stopping with their bullshit space missions, a guy stealing blow up dolls, another We Going To Hell featuring Casey Anthony and a mother ripping someone’s nipple off. Click here to download this episode and here to browse through previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Monday, July 4, 2011

Rosscast Episode 230: Bag Of Lemons


If you have never heard The Rosscast then this is a good place to start! I made a new theme song and do a Bad Parent Of The Week that involves bacon and violence, a woman shooting cops with breast milk, some poor bastard being hit by lightning six times, a guy Facebooking while holding someone hostage, two stories for Only In Florida, and a new segment We Going To Hell. Stick around at the end for more random nonsense I forgot to do during recording. Click here to download this episode and here to download past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Encyclopedia Dantanica


This is an updated version of a list I had done before. I do not have a large vocabulary so I tend to attempt to shorten things into a single word most times. The problem is that one word can sometimes stretch out into at least four or five and that just makes my head hurt. So this list is to help those of you that do not understand me out a bit.

A.

Alright: good or good enough to move on. “It looks alright. Now let’s try this.”

Ass: a dumb person; typically its own sentence. “Ass.”

Asshat: someone being stupid for the sake of being stupid. “I tried to have a normal conversation with her but she wanted to be an asshat.”

Aww: used when I am complaining. “I cant see your ass? Aww!”

Awkward: when a situation or statement causes discomfort. “His fly’s open. Awkward…”

Ahh: used when something finally makes sense. “Ahh, so that’s what that smell was.”

Agh: exclamation of displeasure. “What is that scent? Booty? Agh!”

Ashy: when a person or object is very dry. “He looked like he kissed a bag of flour his lips were so ashy.”

Awesome: used a lot to describe most situations I find pleasing. “Those are the most awesome thighs ever.”