Only In Florida 5

This story has everything you'd want with a Florida based tale. Fire. Shotgun to the face. Arrest. Masturbation. Just...everything. Kenneth Haskins, 58, was asked by his apartment management to stop jerking it in front of his window where everyone could see him. No one wants to see a 58 year old masturbating. No one. Not even if you're married to them. Once you see this guys face and imagine him jerking it you're either gonna do like me and crack up laughing and hopefully holding a spot for me in hell or you're gonna feel sad because you have that stuff. What's it called? Oh, right. Sympathy.

He got pissed because he felt that if he wanted to have happy hands in front of his window then damn it he should. So he set the apartment on fire. He set fire to the bedroom and kitchen using some sorta flammable liquid. When found, which couldn't have been that difficult trust me, he told them that the management had recently told him to stop having fun in front of his window and doorway. Wait. Ew. The doorway? That's just foul. He's gonna be charged with arson and no bail has been set because Florida.

Dude, What The F**k?! 3

Last week I was talking to a friend about being around drunk dudes and how unpredictable they can be, particularly when sports are involved. I try not to be around it because to me there's nothing dumber than being drunk and fighting. Sean Fallon-Nebbia, 27, of New York does not share my views. Especially when you take into account he got drunk and bit his brothers ear off. Yep. That. Happened.

During a Super Bowl party where it seems like a lot of people lost their damned minds he and his brother were getting drunk and wrestling. His girlfriend said that they drank a bottle and a half of Southern Comfort and Jack Daniel's. Now, I have mixed these two things together myself and you know what happened? I laughed a lot and then later wanted to have sex with everything. What I didn't do was try and wrestle someone. Sean and Frank began to have a friendly game of grabass when shit took a turn for the worse.

Cool Shit Black People Invented: Valerie Thomas (plus bonus inventor)

Back when Valerie Thomas was a kid there was no place in science for women unless it was a movie and she was an evil lab assistant or something. But she was all like nuts to that nonsense and decided that even though she was a Black woman that she was gonna create cool shit. Most of the science related stuff was for boys and she attended an all girl school which was the equivalent of a year long slumber party. So after graduation she pursued science.

She graduated from Morgan State University with a degree in physics and accepted a spot at NASA. After a while they asked her if she could take over a project called Landsat that would let satellites project images from space. She started tinkering with an idea she saw at a seminar that showed an illusion that made it look like a light was still glowing even after it was turned off. She was like “Oh, I got this.” What she pretty much was working on was a hologram.

Cool Shit Black People Invented: Thomas Elkins

Back in the 1870's things were strange. Honestly, I''m surprised that we managed to make it past the year 2ad. Black people weren't equal, peanut technology wasn't being taken advantage of, and we kept food cool by just surrounding it with ice because since we were only living until 40 anyway, why not eat some lukewarm meat? Enter Thomas Elkins of Albany, New York. This is the best picture I could find because history.

That looks very...coffiny.

This new version of cooling was made using coils made of metal that worked way better than just sitting your stuff on a block of ice and going “I guess that's taken care of.” No. Your food is still going bad, stupid. People eventually found out that this was good at keeping bodies cold too so that became a thing. Hopefully on purpose. Please be on purpose.

Only In Florida 4

Crime in Miami is tired of attacking people the good old fashioned way. Fists? What is this? 1998?! Its all about smacking folks with penis now. During a home invasion robbery a 31 year old woman was slapped by a dick when she refused to fork over cash. This all started when her father in law opened the door at 3am and the criminals forced their way in. Wait. What?

First off, if someone is knocking on my door at 3 in the morning they are wasting their time. They can be screaming about free cookies and I'm still not opening the door. Second, why is a 31 one year old staying with their father in law? It ain't the holidays! This is all weird. Oh, wait. Florida. Nevermind. Got it. So these two guys come in, get past this ineffective dude, and aim a gun at the woman's head and scream “Bitch, where is the money?!”

Cool Shit Black People Invented: Patricia Bath

Dr. Patricia Bath was born in Harlem, New York and like me believes that lasers are awesome and can be used for things more than scaring the bejeezus out of your enemies. She received a patent for a laser that is used to remove cataracts more better. That was a terribly written sentence. Don't quote me on that one. She created this thing that could more accurately remove cataracts because before then I believe it was like “I think we got it...”

She is to blindness what kicking knees is to Anderson Silva: destructive. She hates blindness more than anyone you'll ever meet. She sees blindness and just goes “Ungh...” and clinches her beautiful little Black fists. Before her patent...one second. Why don't we hear of people we know getting patents? Its not like we ever hear “Oh, yeah. Dante is getting a patent on that pill he's developing that gives you wet dreams.” As I was saying, before she made this they were using drilling and grinding to remove then. Can you imagine that shit?! I can and it makes my ass clinch so fast it whistles.

Cool Shit Black People Invented: Lonnie George Johnson

Today's inventor Lonnie George Johnson created something that while it hasn't changed the world, it changed a lot of lives. Mostly for the better if you were on the giving end of his invention. Born in Mobile, Alabama in 1949 he realized that he was destined for great things. In college he got a B.S in mechanical Engineering and a M.S in Nuclear Engineering from Tuskegee University. And then he said fuck all that and created this!

Yeah!!!

That's right! The Super Soaker. In 1989 he created this and licensed it to Larami Corporation and within two years it made over $200 million which was then bought by Hasbro. He took all the money he made from this and put it into two of his separate companies that do things, like, oh I don't know, creating all kinds of new energy science shit! He is making new ways to use his Johnson Thermo Electrochemical Convertor System for work with solar and thermal power uses.

Cool Shit Black People Invented: Garrett Morgan

Sometimes there is a man so great that he just throws the curve off so much that there's no damned way for anyone to try and keep up unless they invent time travel. This Black inventor Garrett Morgan decided that creating just one thing but at least three that helped change the course of history was not too big for him. Well, two changed history for the world. The other for Black people that hated having kinky ass hair.

Morgan was born in Paris, Kentucky to former slaves on my birthday...but 101 years earlier. At 14 he had to quit school to make money and moved to Ohio and looked for work, mostly as a handyman. Since he was a super genius he had enough money to hire himself a tutor. Later while working as a sewing machine repairman he created a belt fastener for sewing machines. He and his second wife ended up starting their own businesses called Morgan's Cut Rate Ladies Clothing Store.

Parents Failing Hard 12

What happens when you combine the state of Florida and bad parenting? Pimping your child, of course. That was a trick question since there's no other real answer. I wold have accepted incest or cannibalism. Meet 39 year old mother of multiple children but pimp of one Yolanda Ostolaza. She decided that while she was taking a one week trip to NYC for the Super Bowl that she might as well try and make some cash off of her 15 year old daughter.

The family that hooks together gets booked together.

When her dumb ass as arrested she told cops “We came up here to work and make money with a pimp. I knew it was for escorting and prostitution.” Then not satisfied with reaching a level of bad parenting not seen since frontier days she added “I thought my daughter was just going to do the fetish stuff.” Now “fetish stuff” can mean pretty much anything because that is a very vague term. It can mean anything from crushing dicks with heels to being spanked to even...

Dante Vs. Nature 34

You see this thing?! Fuck this thing! There is no reason for a snail to be this goddamn big ever! I don't like this shit for one single second. I don't like regular snails. They are slimy, weird, and leave a trail wherever they go. They're the insect version of that guy named Stephen that you know. Everyone knows a Stephen that hates when you call him Steve. Hey. How about getting a regular name, Stephen! You freak. As I was saying, fuck these things.

They are called giant African land snails or GALS for short because, honestly, you women don't get blamed for enough bad shit in the world. How did something from Africa get all the way to Florida? Because crazy likes crazy. They were first discovered here in the U.S in 1966 by some scientist who probably screamed “The shit is this fuck?!” and then ran home in his lab coat. Florida is being wrecked by these. They are the George Zimmerman of nature and plants are their Trayvon Martin. They destroy it freely and move on to cause damage elsewhere.

We Going To Hell 3

You ever hear of the Knockout Game? Its this thing where idiots hit unsuspecting people in the hopes of rendering them unconscious. Doesn't that sound like fun?! No. Not it doesn't. And its a total misuse of the word “game.” This asshole in Brooklyn, New York named Barry Baldwin, 35, has knocked out as far as they know seven women. And just because this isn't bad enough he is actually claiming self-defense in one case.

Many of his attacks centered on Jewish and Hasidic women in Brooklyn which caused investigators to consider these hate crimes. As for the one he hit in self defense it was allegedly because she made him spill his coffee at Dunkin Donuts.

“I was passing by a lady using a phone and I hit her head in self-defense because of the way she looked” which makes perfect sense if you are a total assbutt. Here is a composite sketch of him which pretty much looks like me with braids.

Cool Shit Black People Invented: Joseph Richard Winters

A few years ago I started doing these Cool Shit Black People Invented blogs to point out the amount of stuff that wasn't being taught in school during Black History Month aka 28 Days Of A White Teacher Telling A Room Full Of Black Kids How People That Looked Like Her Beat The Hell Out Of Them. In school as far as I knew Black people made peanut butter, the cotton gin, and somehow built a train that ran underground that helped Black folks escape. So allow me to shed some light on other things Black people created.

Fire bad. I think we all learned that at one point in our childhood. If not, let me be the first to tell you: fire hurts. Thankfully Joseph Richard Winters created the escape ladder that attaches to windows so that we can attempt to get out of burning buildings because, like I said, fire bad. He received the patent for this ladder in 1882 which means for thousands of years people just stood at flaming windows wondering why they slept with the candle on their chest. 

Shit Just Got Real 15

You ever have some shit get so real that you pass out in court? Richard Thomas, 27, of Leigh, Great Manchester did when he found out that his life may end differently than he may have anticipated. This asshole raped a woman last year after breaking into her house while she was asleep. Many stories that have reported this leave out the fact that the victim had taken a sleeping pill and was out of it while this occurred. Thomas himself had been drinking and taking drugs the night he did this. And likely the night before and after since he has a history of drug use since he was 11. Thanks to Dashuh for sending me this story. Encourage me to write like she does, people!

Thomas was convicted of this rape even though he says that he doesn't remember doing it. He was sentenced to 5 years and four months in jail which is not even close to enough time for a crime like this. The prosecutor stated “She froze and no words were exchanged. He pulled up his shorts and left.” BBC News reports that Thomas had known that the woman he raped was sick but he didn't know with what.

Shit is about to get real real real fast.

Dude, What The F**k?! 2

Sometimes you just wanna strip butt booty ass naked in the middle of the street after crashing your car into a chicken joint and then masturbate. At least this 34 year old dude in Pennsauken, New Jersey did this past Monday. At 10:30am which is way too damned early to be at this level of crazy, I save mine until after noon, he crashed his car into a Crown Fried Chicken and then commenced to strip naked.

The police showed up because that's what they usually do when a car crashes and the driver, whose name hasn't been released, and he didn't have a shirt on. That is never a good sign by the way. If a guy is driving with no shirt on something bad just happened or something really bad is about to happen. So the cop asks dude to step out of the vehicle and could barely stand up. At this point if I'm a cop I reach for my taser because somebody is about to get an electric good morning.

Dante Bitches About Esquire Woman Of The Year 2013

64.6% of people made a bad decision. Esquire Magazine made their Woman Of The Year list and the woman that won is someone I've never heard of named Emily Ratajkowski. When I saw pictures of her and the names that made the final four on this list I got unreasonably pissed. Maybe its because I'm hungry. Maybe I'm tired of the combination of no hips, super skinny, giant tits being the go-to for these magazines. GQ also made this chick their woman of the year as well because if you're gonna do something stupid, do it twice.

You may have not heard of Ratajkowski but if you've seen that Blurred Lines video before getting sick of hearing the song she plays one of the naked girls bouncing around. She's also done modeling and went to UCLA for a year. That is all the information around for her besides a lot of pictures of her topless and looking half high/half nervous. This chick will not even be talked about next year.