8 Year Old Designated Driver

Clarence W. Hairston, 58, of Upper Darby, Pennsylvania just might be one of the shittiest uncles alive. He was pulled over by police when they noticed his car driving kinda bad and got quite a surprise when the car finally stopped. In his hand Clarence was holding a 25oz can of beer and in his lap was his 9 year old nephew. Oh, and in the backseat was an 8 year old. “The vehicle had stopped in the middle of the road and then was accelerating and braking. When it turned the corner onto Littlecroft, it struck a parked car. There was an 8-year-old boy on his lap steering the vehicle and another boy, a 9-year-old, in the back seat jumping around. When the car finally stopped, the little boys got out and the driver gets out with the can of beer in his hand” said Delaware County Police Superintendent Michael Chitwood. Clarence had all the signs of someone being drunk as shit and told the cop that he himself was a cop. “It's not right to jam up another cop” he said while he reeked of booze. He refused to take a Breathalyzer test and got slapped with reckless endangerment, endangering the welfare of a child, DUI, and permitting an unauthorized person to drive a car. He's being held on $15,000 bail. “The guy is a total moron, it's the best way to describe him” Chitwood said. I agree so hard I think I pulled a muscle.

Women Love Fire

It's one thing to try to burn your ex boyfriends house down. It's another to waste a pound of perfectly good bacon to do it! 32 year old Cameo Adawn Crispi of Utah that likely has very hippie parents called and texted her ex to let him know that she put some bacon over his burner and left it on. The ex called cops and told them he wanted this bacon burning broad out of his house and when they showed up smoke was coming out. On the floor was hot coals around an open wood stove (whatever the hell that is) as well as the bacon. When arrested Cameo (word up!) had a blood alcohol level of 0.346. That is high as fuck! She is heading to court in October and faces burglary, arson, and whatever other charges they can throw at her. Hopefully unlawful waste of bacon based products is a thing. She is kinda cute though the same way most crazy chicks are. Its science. Her hair situation can be helped though. I hope they arrested her right out of the shower because her hair is as greasy as that delicious pound of bacon she wasted. Damn, I am so hungry for bacon right now. I can't believe she is 32 though. I see how drunk these people are in stories and wonder how much alcohol ages folks. Okay. Now she isn't as cute as she was a few sentences ago. The longer I look the angrier I get that she wasted so much bacon. Sentence: death by potato! 

What People Care About This Week: ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge is all the rage right now but I doubt many people who are now doing it know exactly what it is or even what they are even doing the challenge for. Like most things that are the rage, like that Harlem Shake stuff that happened a while back, people see it and want to tape themselves doing it for views, not the cause. I've always known ALS as Lou Gehrig's Disease. Here's a description of what ALS is and how it effects people.

“Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), often referred to as 'Lou Gehrig's Disease,' is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. Motor neurons reach from the brain to the spinal cord and from the spinal cord to the muscles throughout the body. The progressive degeneration of the motor neurons in ALS eventually leads to their death. When the motor neurons die, the ability of the brain to initiate and control muscle movement is lost. With voluntary muscle action progressively affected, patients in the later stages of the disease may become totally paralyzed.” Source ALSA.org.

Babysitter Sets Fire Because Fire Cleans Everything

Martha Dreher is not taking shit from kids anymore. This 57 year old Texan babysitter, which also happens to be the most depressing sentence I've ever written, pleaded not guilty to the house of the family she was babysitting for on fire. There are four children, two girls and twins boys who are 5, but she was just watching the boys at their mother's house while the girls were with their dad on vacation. That already sounds kinda honked up. She says went to the house around 9 at night to get some popcorn and that she never saw a fire. Perhaps she didn't know that security cameras were recording her dumb ass and she is seen leaving the house 25 minutes later. A boy noticed the fire when he got home and said that whoever set it started it in the girls rooms as if life works like a cartoon and fire stays where you started it. 

Not actual image.

“It was definitely a vendetta against the two girls. Before I left, she had taken the girls clothes shopping, and she said that it was horrible, that my oldest had been very disrespectful to her and she didn't think it was a good match and she probably didn't want to do this anymore” the father of the girls said. Martha still says she didn't start the fire but did say to police the girls were “out of control, lacking respect for her and having disciplines issues.” You know, maybe the girls knew some shit wasn't right with the babysitter. Sometimes you can just tell that someone is off their rocker like “This woman look like she’d set us on fire if she could…” This is the tale of a woman who should be getting close to returning but instead spends time watching kids that she hates so much that she decided to clean their rooms with fire. I mean, look at that mugshot. Does that look like the face of a woman that has any more shits to give about anything?

Teachers Still Wildin' Out

Teachers these days are getting it in! And by it I mean students penises. I got two stories. The first involves a 28 year old teacher named Jennifer Caswell who is being charged with a lot of things including second degree rape of a 15 year old student. Police caught the former English teacher in a hotel room with the student. She quit her job back in April when these allegations first happened. There wasn't hard evidence against Jennifer at first until her goofy ass was busted in the hotel room. This picture that I am showing is the one that has been floating around the most but I found her mugshot and she looks way different. I'll get to that in a moment. I think we are getting to a point where teachers are going to be replaced with robots shaped like squares so that they can't be sexualised in any sense.

“Things that raised kind of an eyebrow. People seeing a teacher alone with a child may or may not be anything. It could just be innocent contact. The child said nothing's going on, she's just a nice teacher” Harmon County Assistant District Attorney Eric Yarborough said. Fast forward to Jennifer and her student being caught in a Best Western. The found out that they had been having lots of sex including twice at school.

Girl Suspended For Saying Bless You/Not Following The Rules

This 17 year old girl from Tennessee was suspended for saying bless you to a fellow student in class. Well, when you say it like that it sounds kinda crazy, right? As usual there's more to it than that. There's a teacher at Dyer County High School that doesn't play that shit and sent Kendra Turner to the principal's office where she sat for the rest of the day. She wasn't sent home. Her mother didn't come and get her and have a conference. She went to the fucking office and sat. “She said that we're not going to have godly speaking in her class, and that's when I said we have a constitutional right” Kendra said. Eventually Kendra's parents met with school leaders and the teacher who gave her the “suspension” who said that Kendra was being disruptive and aggressive.

The teacher had already had a posted list of words that she didn't want used in her class which I'll get into later. But it clearly shows “bless you” as being one of the things she didn't want said in her class. Kendra felt differently and said it was her constitutional right to say bless you because she is 17 and 17 year old's are dumb as shit. I've been learning the constitution (click here to check that nonsense out) and shit isn't as cut and dry as people want you to believe. Kids are wearing shirts that say bless you on them in support of a girl who didn't really get suspended!

No Sex In The Champagne Room

What? A brother can't get no trim? 53 year old William McDaniel was arrested this past weekend because he called the police to report that a stripper would not have sex with him. I wish I could see what the stripper looked like. He paid her $350 for a private dance which she stopped when McDaniel started getting all happy hands on her. He didn't realize that soliciting for sex was against the law when he should have realized that you can take a chick out on a date and pay half that and get some action. I watched Hookers At The Point and was shocked to find out how cheap it was to get laid. This guy didn't and now he is in jail for being multiple stupid. I can't wait for this 911 call to be released and hearing a 53 year old man trying to explain to police that he wanted a stripper arrested for not having sex with him. Maybe you expect sex at a place called Sagebrush Sam's Exotic Dance Club. 

Five Things I Learned Watching World Star Hip Hop

So this morning I got stuck in a World Star Hip Hop hole. WSHH is a site that has videos of music, random shit, and mostly fighting. Just all kinds of fighting. Men versus men, women versus women, men versus women, kids versus kids, people versus animals, whatever you're looking for. I've written before on what I learned watching Youtube fights. Now its time for Five Things I Learned Watching World Star Hip Hop (or WSHH because fuck all that writing). Now let's sit back and hope no advanced species ever discovers this website.

No One Knows How To Block

When I see a fight start and someone has their hands to their side or god forbid in the pockets I think “Why don't you just pull your pants down, bend over, and present yourself?” Who taught people how to fight? Every punch is a haymaker and yes while those are effective chances are you'll throw a wild ass swing and leave yourself wide open to ass kinda shenanigans. You're not Roy Jones Jr. so holding one hand up and swinging the other at your side just looks silly. So stop that.

Drunk Teacher Likes To Drink

This is the image of a woman who ran out of fucks to give. 57 year old math teacher Kathleen Jardine lives in the danger zone in a world that involves drinking, driving, cabbing, drinking, teaching, and more drinking. You can just imagine her going “What're you lookin' at, ya sonuvabitch?” Class started at Poston Butte High School in Tan Valley when Jardine started cursing at the students. They called for security instead of filming her like kids these days are supposed to and she was rounded up. She admitted to them that she had been drinking the night before. And the morning before school. Oh, and during the school day because the party don't stop till the panties drop. When her blood alcohol level was checked it was .205, almost three times the legal limit for driving. I point that out because of her actions from the previous night. You know how I mentioned that she was drinking the night before school? Well...

The night before she was pulled over by cops for drunk driving and had her car impounded. She actually took a cab to work because of this, and well, the fact that she was drunk as shit. She has been charged with public consumption of alcohol and can get disorderly conduct charges as well. The school won't say what they are gonna do with her but I suggest party. It turns out that she has been canned for this before back in 2011 when she showed up drunk in a New Mexico school.

I Write Stories

Kiyoshi and I have recently released another series of books. Actually its two stories in one. So far I have released four stories and it would be awesome if you all would share this link and/or buy and read my stuff. Let me know what you think. That would be groovy. They are available on Smashwords as well as Amazon. All links are below. 

Veterans Day/Kilo Sierra Echo

Two great books in one: VETERANS DAY and KILO SIERRA ECHO Veterans Day: Kendra Hecksford was born into a family of Marines. When selected to “the program” she assumed that she would continue her family's tradition. Little did she know that she would be a part of something that would change the name of the arms race forever. Human weapons created to exhibit human potential at its finest.

Click here to get on Smashwords

Click here to get on Amazon

Johnny Panic: Therapy Champion Of The World Part 2

I got some more! Looking through these transcripts of therapy isn't as fun as I thought it would be. After reading this particular one I ended up flying to my brothers homes and moving them down the street. I think I'll let Ronica start proofreading these first because apparently I'm not as in control of my emotions as I thought. Remembering how my brothers treated me made me shout and wake up Milly. Now the whole house is mad. Meaning Ronica. Milly laughed her ass off.

Mr. Schroeder: You do not speak of your brothers often.

Panic: Nope.

Mr. Schroeder: (silence)

Panic: Is this the part where I volunteer information?

Mr. Schroeder: Yes.

Panic: (loud sigh) I'm not a fan of them and they aren't fans of mine.

Mr. Schroeder: Any particular reason why none of you are fans of one another?

Cat Holds Women Hostage

Damn it, people. How long are we gonna let angry cats chase us around our own houses? I wrote a story before about a cat using the baby in the house as a scratching post and forcing the family to hide while calling 911 for help (click here for that). Well. its happened again. Two women in San Diego had to call police after their cat, Cuppy, chased them into their bathroom. One of the women called her daughter to tell them what was happening. I dare someone to call me with that message. After five minutes of laughter followed by ten more of light chuckling I would hang up. The police showed up and eventually the cat left on its own. A neighbor said that the cat has been in the family but is unpredictable. Know why? Its a goddamn cat! All animals are unpredictable. Most humans are. You see people who say their dog would never bite someone until they get a new face. Everyone loves their cat until it chases them into the bathroom and they become a news story. I'll be damned if a cat holds me hostage.

Drunk Driving Kid In Wisconsin

In Manitowoc, Wisconsin a 13 year old girl was pulled over by police for drunk driving a little bit before midnight. The car was pulled over because the lights weren't on and police discovered that there were five other kids under the age of 14 in the car. She also failed a field sobriety test. One of them was taking to a juvenile detention center, likely the one that was recently listed as a runaway. I can understand a kid stealing a car. They look cool and go fast. But getting drunk and then inviting five friends, one of whom is a runaway? Yeah but no. I don't think there has ever been a point in my life where I accepted that level of anarchy. I wish that there was more information given but since its a minor there won't be. I know it was her moms car but I want to know where she got the booze and how she gathered that many other kids dumb enough to go along with her plan. “Hey. I'm drunk, got my moms car, and a bad idea.” Sounds like fun! Jackass.  

Granny's Joke Doesn't Go Over Well

How can I sit here and talk about how dumb young folks are for taking pictures of everything and then posting it online and getting in trouble when grannies are doing the same damn thing? Jackie Sheaks of Columbus, Ohio got a little visit from the sheriff's and Child Protective Services after she posted some pictures of her granddaughter in a pan and another one with some duct tape on her pacifier. She thought she was being funny because as we all know there's nothing funnier than mild child abuse. “We're not horrible people that they are making us out to me. It started as just a joke; we put a little tape on the pacifier because we were being silly. We wanted to share it with friends because everybody that knows us, knows we play around like that.” Ha. The law found out after her Facebook friends reported her dumb ass. I love how everyone thinks that every single person on their Facebook page is their friend. Not only should you not be taking pictures of your grandchild being placed in cookware and/or with duct tape on their face, you shouldn't be taking pictures of it, you goddamned weirdo.  

Johnny Panic: Therapy Champion Of The World Part 1

I got the transcripts, son! So years ago I was ordered by a judge to go to a therapist because he said I had anger issues. This was after the getting high and punching that zebra in Africa incident but before damaging a huge portion of the South Pole for perpetuating the myth that Santa lived there. I went through three of these therapist before I finally found one that stuck it out with me. Of course I later found out that he was planted by the president at the time, George W. Bush. Either way, I went to this guy for over a year and they have just given me the transcripts of what was said during our sessions. This is the first time we met.

Mr. Schroeder: Please have a seat.

Panic: Thanks, dude.

Mr. Schroeder: Mr. Toner, could you please address me by my name. I went to school for too many years to be known as “dude.”

Panic: Well excuse me, Mr. Schroeder. You know for someone who is supposed to be helping me out with my anger issues you sure are one angry fella.

Mr. Schroeder: What makes you think that I'm angry?

Panic: Oh, no you don't. I know this trick. I say something and you guys ask me a question to get me to incriminate myself.