Kids These Days 18

When I watch commercials or read articles about Kids These Days all I can do is think of how jacked up our future is gonna be. These children don’t know shit. I’m sorry, not your kid. You kid is the next savior of humanity. Nothing can stop them! it’s the other kids we need to worry about. These paste eating weirdos that permeate our culture are gonna be at child bearing age soon and something needs to be done about it, Children Of Men style. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.

In my first few KTD blogs I would point out sit that kids wont get nowadays. It turned into me berating them like a, well, dumb kid. I have decided to go old school for this one with some more shit that wont make sense to kids unless a new singer that was born after 1995 mentions it in a song and it becomes cool again.

Bad Advice From People 2

Most of the advice you’re given in life is bullshit. We all think we are helping people out when we tell them things but most times we’re just laughing at them later on. Like that one time you told her she looked fine in that outfit. Hahaha! Oh, that shit was hilarious! Remember how those jeans made her ass look? Like two gorillas fighting for an apple. That was priceless!

There is some advice that you get that as soon as you hear it you want to ask “Are you trying to get me killed?” I forgot that I had written the first one of these blogs so here’s the link for that. You can agree to disagree with me. You can tell me how right you are in the afterlife.

Five Things I Learned Being Black

There's an old saying “Everyone wants to be Black until the police show up.” For those that don't know, I'm Black. Yes, there's some other stuff tossed in there but according to everyone that sees me and the police I am an African American male. I prefer the term Blacker. Makes me sound dangerous. Now, me being Black is up for debate. Most of my life my “Blackness” has been called into question because of the way I dressed, talked, and behaved. I stopped fighting that battle years ago.

I’ve come up with a list of The Five Things I Learned Being Black. I already know that being Black means different things to different people and that each of us will probably have five different things but since I am Black and this is my blog I’ll write what I want. Stop oppressing me!

Dante Saves You: Power Ranger Edition

For years The Power Rangers have been on television in some form or another. I hated this show…for a while. My little sister would lose her mind when it came on and start acting like she knew karate. I’m sure there are thousands of kids that ended up getting their asses kicked thinking that if they hit a bully hard enough that sparks would fly out. Which, by the way, totally does!

See?!

I didn’t become a fan of the show until I started paying attention to the Pink Ranger out of costume because if I thought she was hot in it that would make me gay since there’s a 99.9% chance that a tiny Asian fella was under that helmet. The Power Rangers, while many, aren’t that hard to beat which is why I decided to teach your Black asses how to do it. You ready?! Its morphin’ time!!!

Rosscast Episode 276: Lady Juices

In this episode I talk about getting sick, babble for a bit, Only In Florida involving burrito fights, Dude What The Fuck? featuring a girl being handcuffed for love, Bitches Be Crazy with a lady using her vagina for a purse, and a Listener Question from California King author Heather. Click here for this and previous Rosscast Shows.

Folks Still Read: The Death Of Death Book Review

A few months back Parker posted a sample from his short story The Death of Death and I was intrigued. Just from the sample he gave I wanted to know if there was more to it. I knew that he wrote but had never seen his stuff. Hell, I'd “acted” in one of his short films but never had an opportunity to see how he wrote. He sent me the story and I was pissed because it was something I could never write.

One of the things I love most about reading certain authors like Phillip K. Dick, Walter Mosley, and Derek Landy, is that they will do something that makes me know that I am not at a level that is possible. 

This story, The Death of Death, made me think this and for that I owe Parker a punch in the throat.

Folks Still Read: California King Book Review

I love books. I have never understood people who say that they don't read or have time to read. There is always time to read no matter how busy your life. I read a couple of books a week not because I'm in school or anything but because reading is fundamental. I really believe that. Books are better than movies in most cases and are a great way to keep your imagination sharp. On the flip side of all this are bad books. There is nothing worse than a bad book. I've read stuff from friends and they have ranged from complete ass to good. So when I was asked by a friend, Heather Cox, to read her book, I have to admit that I was nervous.

I had never read anything she had written besides Facebook updates and emails and had no idea whether or not she could write a book. Well, allow me to tell you all that she can indeed write. She can write her ass off! When I read books most of the time there is a moment or two where I laugh, cringe, or very rarely get emotionally involved.

California King does all of these.

Kids These Days 17

Allow me to introduce you to Lil Poopy. No, this isn’t a post about scat films. Lil Poopy is a 9 year old rapper from Brockton, Massachusetts and reps Coke Boys. Well, that’s depending on who you ask. Some guy named French Montana is saying that Poopy is not with the crew after the Department of Children of Families is investigating his dad for child endangerment and such. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard this child’s music but its…bad. It sounds like a kid rapping and for whatever reason I hate the sound of kids rapping. Its about the dumb shit adults rap about but with a kid saying it.

Nothing inappropriate going on here. Carry on.

I’ve watched a video and checked out some songs of this kid and they are ass. Literally. There are a lot of big asses in his video. One video that was taken down shows him in a strip club because fuck good parenting. In the video I saw he’s in the car with a girl old/young enough to be his mother. Why even play up that sexuality with a child? What could a 9 year old do with a big Black woman’s ass besides weep knowing that his body cant produce the best feeling about sex? No, not love. Let’s be serious here.

Dante Vs. Nature 24

Fucking lions, man. No, not, like, actual lions fucking which is hilarious. Just lions in general. The other day Cam called me and asked if I had heard a news story about a woman mauled by a lion at a sanctuary. I checked the internets and ended up finding another story about another woman being mauled and killed by a lion. The first one is a intern that worked at an animal sanctuary in Central California and police are trying to figure out what caused the attack. Hmm...one can only speculate.

The lion, 5 year old Cous Cous, attacked and killed the intern while she was in the lions enclosure. When cops arrived she had already been fucked up and lying near the lion. They tried to lure it away but it was full of human blood and didn't want to hear none of their shit so they shot it. Only one other employee was there since the park is closed on Wednesdays. This entire thing sounds like a recipe for disaster if you ask me which you didn't so I shall continue to provide my opinion.

The lion had been raised there since it was 8 weeks old. Its so weird to me that people think its tragic or act surprised when a big ass wild animal does what big ass wild animals do: attack things. And sleep. Lions that are locked up anywhere always look sad. I'm sure this one was just waiting for someone to slip.

Parents Failing Hard 2

Josh Smith sent me this story a couple of weeks ago. Its kind of hard to title this one Parents Failing Hard when what this mother does rules so hard. Judy H. Viger, 33, was arrested last month for hiring strippers, plural, for her sons 16th birthday. Now, that is ratchet as hell. I fully understand that. But it rules as well! Along the way a lot of mistakes were made that ended with her behind bars and her son wondering what the big deal was. Viger found and paid for these strippers to show up. She’s being charged with five counts of child endangerment I guess because titties are dangerous.

Beffft berfffay efffer!!!

At a bowling alley, yes a bowling alley, her son along with some of his friends were given lap dances. Judging from this picture what I thought were lap dances involve having a stripper have her cooch in your face. Nope. You keep that thing away from me, missy! I bet you’re wondering how this story even got out. How could a night of fun and debauchery for a teen end with a mother arrested? Fucking Facebook.

Five Things I Learned From My Brother

Every year my birthday passes I think more and more of my late brother. I think of him every single day but on my birthday more so because I am two years older than he was when he died. To me that is hard as hell to accept and so weird. If I had died two years ago I wouldn't have met my friends beautiful daughter, hung out with cool people, or seen my best friend flying through the ranks of the library system while simultaneously making me stutardedly happy. .

For anyone that wants to know about my brother and how he passed away (the full version I've only told someone about once) click here. There are links to previous blogs about him as well. He was a cool ass dude and I learned a lot of things from him.

Story Behind The Photo 17

I have very little initiative when it comes to involving others in things that I do. I consider myself rather dull with extreme bursts of nonsense that hopefully is recorded for proof that I'm alive. My best friend Cam is the opposite. She loves planning events and things for people to do together. I cant very well invite folks to come and iron clothes with me or watch hours of fights on Youtube. So a few months ago when she came up with the idea to go hiking once a month I was so down with it. Yes, people still say “down.” The pictures were provided by Cam and Donna. 

Last month we went to Kenneth Hahn to hike and it was awesome. Besides the fact that lots of hot chicks were involved it got me out of the house. There was this one hill that Cam affectionately called “The Murder Hill” that we thought we avoided. We went one way and it led to La Brea, a street, so we turned, hiked back, and went up this sumbitch. It hurt but we survived, went and had a great breakfast, and headed home with plans to see a movie later.

That so didn't happen.

"Twist & Shout"

Hello. My name is Harold Green. This old lady with her mouth spread as far as it'll go is Mrs. Steinberg. The young lady standing at my door is Shannon. Neither of them likes me. Matter of fact no one does. 

I am a dentist.

Did you know that we are over six and a half times more likely to kill ourselves more than any other occupation? Even the Marines. I used to sit in class during college and wonder why the statistics were so high. The pay is great. I work early and get home early. I help save peoples lives every single day. Did you know that men with gum disease are 50% more likely to suffer from heart disease? It's true. Yet everyday I go home and suck on my pistol, waiting for the day I have balls big enough to pull the trigger.

Kids These Days 16

Enough is enough! There is this story in the new about a 6 year old boy whose family has filed a complaint against the school saying that they are violating his civil rights to come to school dressed as a girl and using the restrooms. Now, I am all for letting people have the right to live as a man, woman, or something in between. But not a child. Nope. Not for one second would I let my daughter have to worry about a boy dressed as a girl use the restroom with them no matter how much he loves being a girl.

The boy, Coy Mathis, parents who need to be punched in their mouths, says that Coy “was labeled male at birth, but has always known that she is a girl, and has expressed that since she was 18 months old.” Seriously? At 18 months old this kid knew that he had retired from the penis having business? You know what I was doing at 18 months? Being something above an infant but below a toddler! Plus, as we all know kids don't have rights. I mean, they do, but not like real people rights. 

"Sólo Me Empuje"

"Sólo me empuje."

That's all she kept saying to me as she stood at the edge of the building. Sadly, I don't speak Spanish. Yes, I have lived in Los Angeles my entire life and Spanish is spoken here more than English but I've never bothered to learn it. I slept through Spanish classes only picking up bits and pieces. I can tell you that I don't want to wash dishes and what time it is but that's it. This woman looked terrified and I couldn't figure out what she needed me to do. I took a step towards her and she began to shake. I took a step back and she began to cry. I didn't know what to do.

You ever hear someone cry for help in the middle of the night and do nothing? I do. I'm the kinda guy that closes my window. I hear a neighbor beating on his wife and put the pillow over my head until its quiet. I hear a scream in the middle of the night and instead of calling the police I turn my TV up. But tonight was different. Tonight I responded to the scream.