Dante Vs. Nature 36

Why do people always want to fuck with dangerous animals? Particularly snakes. Every year someone does something stupid like own a giant sake and act all surprised when its eats their kid or pet or this case when a security guard was killed when he wrapped a 15 foot python around his shoulders. You can attempt this if the snake is your pet and even then the shit is dangerous to do.

In Bali a security guard volunteered to help catch a snake that had been seen in the area. He didn't even work at the hotel this monster was spotted in but decided that at the age of 59 that he had the power to take this thing down. He didn't. At 3 in the morning he was alerted that the snake was around and he...caught it? I guess?

Johnny Panic: Mile High Club Part 3

As I headed towards the chase I knew that Ronica would be able to handle herself on Juliana's show. I'd catch it later since I made sure to record it when we left. I had no idea how much handling she would do until we watched it later when we got home. I'm zipping over the city and my phone goes off. It's Zazz.

“What's going on, lunch break?”

“I hate you” he replies. “You need to hurry up and finish what you're doing and get back to the studio!”

“How come why?”

“'How come why'?” he asks. “Who talks like that? Anyway, Ronnie and Juliana are getting into it!”

“Sexy getting into it or violent getting into it? Or both? Is it both? Are you still recording it? I swear if you aren't I'm gonna drop you off in Africa!”

“Good” he says. “Then maybe I'll finally be able to make a friend that speaks English.”

Shit Just Got Real 16

Guys are seen as these beasts that think about sex all the time and will never turn it down. Let me break this to you ladies: this is only 97% true. If you are trying to fuck a guy and he doesn't want to there's a very good reason why and you should step back a moment and say to yourself “Perhaps now is not the right time for the sexy time...” Or lose your shit and trash the place and get arrested naked like Arizona chick Ashley Marie Prenovost.

Ashley who lives with the father of her four month old daughter because it wouldn't be a ridiculous ass situation unless a child was involved was already hammered when she came home and tried making the moves on her man. He declined and she wasn't having that shit. She punched two holes in the wall before punching a framed picture getting blood all over the house.

Then shit got real...er.

Kids These Days 32

This is gonna be one of those posts where you either shake your head in shame at me or just laugh and go “Oh, that Dante!” This 34 year old chick in Arizona named Keri Gonzalez was busted for boning this 15 year old kid whose name has not been released but who I shall refer to as “Champ” for the rest of this post because jealousy. Full disclosure, I know how bad this whole story sounds. Adults having sex with teenagers is a terrible thing. Of course. But...I used to be a 15 year old boy at some point and if a 34 year old woman made a move on me chances are I would've jumped her. Hell, if a 34 year old tried it now I would...

Nope!

So Champ and Keri were bumping uglies when the boy's mother heard “knocking sounds by the stairs on the wall” and went to check on her kid around 2 in the morning. If you are having sex at that time of the morning its either an awesome surprise, sloppy and drunk, or a police report waiting to happen. The mother tried to open the door and it was locked. When Champ finally opened the door, lord knows why he did that!, mom saw Keri crouched in the corner butt booty ass naked. Keri decided to bail when mom started shouting and ended up breaking her ankle jumping from the window.

We Going To Hell 4

Every year or so someone pops up in the news looking like a damned lunatic because they have something that has the image of Jesus on it. I think it was a coupe of years ago someone had bird shit on their window and said that it looked like Jesus. This time its Paula Osuna from Silver City, New Mexico and she didn't see Jesus in her cheese toast or on a window like some of you blasphemers. Oh, no. Jesus made a guest appearance on her toe!

You'd think she'd paint her nails and pluck them hairs.

Paula hurt her foot when she fell down some stairs because gravity. She jacked up her foot and asked her fiance to rub some holy dirt she had saved from a trip to a Catholic shrine in Chimayo on her foot. Dude, you aren't married to this woman yet. Like the great poet Al Bundy once said “Run. Run hard, run now, run silent, run deep, run like Mexican water through a first time tourist.” You still have a chance to escape this level of crazy! That is unless he is cool with this.

Dante's Globophobia (Fear Of Ballons)

I was talking to a friend a few months back and we got on the topic of balloons and OCD's (obsessive compulsive disorders). I'm not sure how we got there but we did. And what was weird about this conversation is that we both realized that we hated balloons. I really hate balloons. They are unpredictable and things that are unpredictable can not be trusted. I searched and there is a name for fear of balloons. Its called Globophobia.

“Globophobia is the fear of balloons. Most people who suffer from globophobia usually have phonophobia as well, which is a fear of loud, sudden noises. Globophobics tend to avoid parties and special occasions such as funerals, birthday parties, weddings, or any other festivities that may involve balloons as decorations. Globophobia is not as common as other phobias, but is still experienced by many. Generally, globophobics will refuse to touch, feel, or go near a balloon for fear it will pop. Globophobics tend not to trust people who have a balloon in their hand or anywhere near them, especially children. Some globophobics are fearful of going out because they feel scared/anxious that there will be a balloon around the corner.”

There are a few things about this definition that is funny to me. Funeral balloons? I have been to three funerals and I can't recall any balloons. Perhaps there were some but I fail to recall them seeing as how dead family were my main focus. And the fear that a balloon is gonna just be waiting for me around the corner trying to ruin my day. And fear may be too strong of a weird.

Women Don't Fight Fair 3

Some people are passionate about their food. I love food. I write about it, I think about it a lot because there's a fat man inside just waiting to burst out. But I can't say I'm as passionate as Shaneka Monique Torres who is 29 going on 42. She got mad when a Michigan McDonald's messed up her order and decided that the logical thing to do was fire a bullet at the place because when you want bacon at 3:10am you really want your damned bacon!

When I first read this story I was kinda puzzled. I figured that there had to be more to this than meets the eye. So Detective Dante got to diggin'! So the way it is told, Torres got her order wrong, shot at the place, and left. But there's more to it because most women that have this hairstyle are making big life changes. A blond haired Black woman that is 5 foot 7 and 256lbs. trolling McDonald's at 3 in the morning can't be that hard to find. There's, like, maybe three women that come through like that around that time of night. So cops were able to find her rather quickly and locked her ass up on $50,000 bond and charged her with weapons and discharging a firearm.

The girl that was working the drive through had her family interviewed and they said that she was still scared because she didn't expect that someone would fire through a window because of an order gone wrong. I assumed that that was shown in the training videos when you were hired.

It's Was Just A Giraffe

Let me help you get mad about something other than a giraffe, internet. If you're sensitive stop reading. I'm known for getting bothered by shit that doesn't concern me. You can assume that I have no other worries in my life or that I have too much time on my hands. Honestly, all my shit is being handled by me so that leaves me with time to bitch about people bitching about a giraffe that was killed. Its a giraffe. No one would be this mad if it were a skunk, jackal, or other mammal that wasn't cute-ish. The zoo made this decision to reduce inbreeding as well as teach what the insides of a giraffe looks like, I guess.

At Copenhagen Zoo (do you even know where that is?) a young giraffe was shot with a bolt pistol before having its remains autopsied for a gathered crowd. After this is was given to a group of lions at the zoo that either went “What are we supposed to do with this?” or “Finally! After all these years we can do what we were born to do!” Meanwhile the internet went crazy and 20,000 people that signed a petition went “It's 2014 and petitions mean something...right?” Not always. Sometimes its just nice to have the names of people to look out for. Or to get Justin Bieber out of America.

Cool Shit Black People Invented: Henry Blair

Henry Blair was the second Black person to ever get a patent. I could just leave it at that because that shit is nuts. Could you imagine creating something and not being able to get people to look at it or even acknowledge that you created it because of the color of your skin? Well, that was just how things were back then. Stupid country. Blair's first patent was for what he called a seed-planter which is basically a plow. I can't begin to imagine what it was like before he made this thing.

With this it let workers plant corn faster, easier, and with less labor. You may notice that most early inventions by Black people were things to make life just easier on Black labor (farming equipment and cleaning tools) or to fit in (hair straighteners). He also created the cotton planter. If you don't know what this is just picture in those old cartoons where a horse would be pulling a huge blade and it would leave a slice in the ground for seeds to be dropped in. He was already a farmer and doing well because of his inventions.

Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Sequel

This is gonna be long and rambling. You have been warned. I first did a blog like this and about a month and a half later I ended up in a relationship. This isn't being written in the hopes of dating again. This is more to make me remember what happens in a relationship and keep me out of them. During my last relationship that was the shortest one I've had in my adult life there were a lot of ups and downs. The downs I will blame on the fact that I refuse to change my ways in terms of communication.

My last two relationships were long distance but with this one it wasn't so far that I couldn't travel. The fact that I even left the state surprised my friends because everyone knows that I just don't travel. I like where I am. When she came we were together all the time and when I visited her we were together all the time. And it was good. But the internet? Oh, the internet. Any time there was a problem it was during instant messaging. That stuff gives people the chance to be a different person and say things that they would never say to me over the phone or to my face.

That relationship lasted (including when we “broke up”) about five months. Honestly, the fact that we lived in different states made it easier to get over. That and the fact that almost every conversation over the internet ended with anger. One of my best friends asked me often if I was okay after the split and I told her that I was. I was mostly confused. Why? Because I was just being myself. There was nothing that I lied about but she didn't believe what I was saying or doing. One of the problems was the fact that I talk to a lot of women which is discussed in the first Why Isn't Dante Dating blog.

Kids These Days 31

There was this comedian Red Grant that said something a few years back that always stuck with me. He said when fucking around with young girls to have a flag and a whistle so when they start doing that “...wild shit blow your whistle and throw that flag. Personal foul. Unnecessary roughness on the ride.” Nasty ass dudes think its fine to mess around with these young girls, but its not. They are starting off at level 9 out of 10 shit when the fact is when I was growing up seeing a girls belly button was considered an 8. Jason Ash learned this the hard way when his ass got killed having sex with 16 year old Jessica Burlew.

"Hi."

In Arizona which is the craziest state after Florida, Ohio, and Texas this chick was fucking her 43 year old boyfriend when shit got heavy and she ended up killing him. This all took place at the girl's mom's house by the way. Oh, don't worry. This is gonna get way more ridiculous. Before I continue let me say that I feel absolutely no sympathy for this guy. If you are in your 40's and messing with a teenager you are a big loser or a time traveler from the 1800's where this shit seemed okay to do.

Johnny Panic: Mile High Club Part 2

Since we got here late Ronica isn't gonna have a chance to meet Juliana Rockwell before we go live on the air. That's cool with me since I don't really wanna be here. Ronica is smiling and happy so that's cool. I hear some lame ass comedian getting the crowd hype which makes no sense when they know that I'm here. Johnny Panic being anywhere near where you are is a reason to celebrate.

“Are you gloating?” Ronica asks me.

“No?”

“Yes, you are” she says. “You're doing that thing you do when you are very pleased with yourself.”

“What thing?” I ask her.

“Your face does this” she tells me and it looks like she's having a damned fit.

“You look like you're having a damned fit” I tell her. “I can't even begin to make my face do that.”

“Don't worry. Its cute” she assures me. I look into a mirror and try again. She laughs at me.

Dante Vs. Nature 35

Fuck raccoons. Not literally. That would be wrong for a lot of reasons. I've written before about these evil ass critters but no one likes to listen to me. Mostly because my voice is weird. The other reason is because I live alone and no one is hear to hear the wisdom that I drop, like, all the time. This lady Ginny Ballou in Hingham, Massachusetts (spelled that correctly the first time, thank you) who is 73 and too goddamned old to be having to deal with this woke up being attacked by a raccoon. That's right. Woke. Up.

She woke up with this thing on her face and biting into her lip. Fuck. That. She stuck her thumbs into its mouth in the hopes of getting it off but that just made it rip up her lip parts. “I'm not too sure to this day how I did get the thing off of me. When I threw it on the floor...that's when I realized it was a raccoon.” She grabbed her phone, a landline which makes me smile, and hit the shit out of the raccoon. She then ran into the bathroom and called 911.

Cool Shit Black People Invented: William B. Purvis

Back in the day people used to write using a feather and ink like a bunch of weirdos or sucking ink into a pen with a jar sitting there next to them which is just ridiculous when you think about it. That is until William B. Purvis decided that he was tired of watching people look like fools and created an ink pen that could hold ink itself thereby keeping you from walking around with a jar of ink looking for a table to put it on and dip your stupid pen into.

"I do believe I've soiled my dickie!"

In 1890 Purvis got the patent for this and pretty much made the bottle of ink carrying stuff silly to continue doing. Old fashioned nerds all over the world were probably super happy about this. See, kids. Years ago people use to use their hands, those things you use to text with, to put an ink pen to paper and send letters to each other. This was made easier when you could carry a pen with you by itself.

Johnny Panic: Mile High Club Part 1

One time me and my lady Ronica went on a talk show. I didn't want to do it because the host, Juliana Rockwell, always had stories about how many people I slept around with and said a few times that one day I was gonna turn on humanity and destroy the world. I got mad and dropped off three mountain lions in her backyard. No one ever proved that I did it but they knew. Ronica is a huge fan of hers and has been since she was little. She likes to remind me that the first time she ever saw me was on Juliana's show so I should be grateful.

I don't see it that way.

“Should I wear red or black?” Ronica asks me holding up two dresses that would look way hot on her.

“The...black one” I tell her.

“Why?”

“Its slimming” I say. She makes a face at me. “What?”

“'Its slimming'?” she asks me. I nod. “Are you saying I'm fat?”