Booger Sugar In Nature Valley Bar

This lady named Cynthia Rodriguez of San Antonio, Texas got the surprise of a lifetime when she opened up a Nature Valley bar. No, not a cash prize like she assumed but a small bag of cocaine. She was enjoying what could be described as possibly the hardest snack on the planet when the drogas fell out. 

She called General Mills Inc. all excited thinking she had won something. They told her to call the police and after some investigation (and probably some mad parties) they told her that it was cocaine. A spokesperson for GM said that the bar wasn't packaged at their facility and would not say which one it was. Probably the one with the employees that never take lunch breaks and refuse to stop talking about all the great ideas they have for new products. Like cocaine flavored Nature Valley bars.  

Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Answering

Over the last two years that I've been doing these Why Isn't Dante Dating? blogs I've never flat out asked people that I knew what type of woman I should date. I pretty much asked “...what kind of woman do you think would be good for me? You can make the response one sentence or as long as you want.” I honestly expected to get maybe five responses back and am surprised and happy by the amount of folks that replied. Thank you.

I was talking to my cousin last night and the topic of hobbies came up and how most of my ex's didn't have any and no matter how many times I've said “I'm not dating someone that doesn't have a damned hobby!” I've kept doing it. Then she mentioned opposites attracting and that sent me on a two minute rant. I also told a friend what I wanted. “I'd just say she should like food, not exercise much, enjoys penis, watches TMZ, hates politics, and reads books. And drives. Doesn't like makeup. Yeah. I think that's it.”

Kids These Days 54

This is one of those stories where you'll either say “That poor kid” or “Good for his mama!” Me, I say “It should have happened for real!” because I don't have kids and tend to be extreme in my thoughts. Blame it on my social Asperger's or the touch of autism. Either way this kid had his mother Chiquita Hill of Columbus, Georgia scare the shit out of him because he was acting up. She was afraid that his bad behavior would continue and lead to him being in trouble with the law or killed in the future.

She said for weeks that her 10 year old son was being a problem in school and acting up. She said that talking to him about it wasn't working so she took another approach. “He's going through the phase right now, it's just in one ear out the other.” Employing the Scared Straight method she had police come to check his bad ass. “I'm scared for when they get older, how bad is it going to be?” She talked to the police about the simulation and they came, talked to him about his behavior, and tossed his ass in the back of a cop car for five minutes. Proud to say I am 36 and have never been in a police car. Handcuffed for suspected bank robbery, yeah, but never placed in the police car.

What People Care About This Week: Freddie Gray

Recently 25 year old Freddie Gray died after injuries sustained after his arrest in Baltimore by police. This has led to riots, protest, and multiple injuries. But first I'm gonna go back to what caused this to happen. I am gonna try and be as factual as I can be while writing this because this is all still under investigation and not all of the information has been released. Every day more comes out that makes me go “Okay, but...” and “I get that, but...”

To me a lot of what is wrong with this case, the people involved, and not to sound like a hippie, the system, is the procedures that are in place.

Gray lived at home with his two sisters, one of whom was his twin. He had been arrested a lot of times. A lot. It is shown that he was arrested 22 times for various crimes, primarily drug related and some assaults. There has been 20 cases against him in court with five of them still being active. I'm not writing this stuff to paint this guy as a criminal. He was a criminal. That isn't even a question. I'm just stating what I believe are facts. But criminal or not he didn't deserve what happened. 

"Tawanda"

This story was originally written in 2009 after talking to someone about a female bully at my elementary school. No real names were used but similar situations were. 

"I'm uh beat yo ass."

Everyone heard her say it. She didn't even shout it. It was so quiet that even Ms. Washington, our lunch lady, heard her. She dropped her spatula. My brother Anthony started giggling. My girlfriend grabbed my hand.

"I don't wanna fight you, Tawanda" I tell her. And I don't. Tawanda has a record that Mike Tyson would've killed to have. One time she broke a teacher's finger for taking her glitter sprinkles.

"I don't care what you want, Maurice" she says. "I'm uh break you in half."

"Leave him alone, Tawanda" Anthony says. She looks at him and he takes a step back. "Calm ya little fat ass down. I'll hit a girl." Tawanda drops her sandwich and takes a step forwards. Anthony takes another step back. "I'm just messin' with you, girl."

Johnny Panic: The New Hotness Part 4

Click here for previous The New Hotness.

You would think that being the only superhero in the world would make me immune to things like jealousy. It actually makes it worse. Its, like, why would anyone else get to win anything? You can dunk? Big deal. I pushed the moon that one time. Sure, the tides have been kinda weird since but that's whatever. You know people used to think it was made of cheese? Idiots. I know its not because I tried to eat some of it. You know what the moon tastes like?

Of course not because no one else but me could ever try!

Everyone piles into The Beast which Zazz hates and calls the “destroyer of worlds.” Yeah, its a big truck that gets negative miles to the gallon, but it looks awesome. Especially when it is flying through the air because I'm carrying it. Ronica made me promise not to do any tricks on the way which means they are gonna have to deal with me being bored for the next few minutes which then means I will have to occupy myself by singing Britney Spears songs. I make sure everyone is buckled in, the windows are up, and I fly off.

In case you're wondering I'm wearing tight camouflage pants, gray combat boots with gold stars on 'em, and a tight yellow t-shirt with Anthony Bingham's face on it. The pants are for conflict. The shirt is for war. Ronica tried to talk me out of wearing it. Aimee thought it was cute. Zazz could only fit it if he were 3. Its really tight. Leaves nothing to the imagination.

"Strattera"

When I was 8 years old my parents were taken by aliens. No one believed me and the older I get the less I believe myself. I mean, I was a kid. I still believed in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny...and Dracula, the Wolf-man, and Frankenstein. I'll be 18 soon and these creatures that have been pretending to be my parents for the last decade need to die.

I've been studying their behavior all of this time and while they appear normal for the most part I have noticed a few things out of the ordinary. They have developed a distaste for salt and sugars. When I asked each of them why we were no longer allowing snacks that had them in the house anymore mom said “diabetes” and dad said “high blood pressure.” 

Either way, crumby food was kept in the house. They also got an aversion to bright lights which meant the house was now dark. I'm not talking regular dark. As close to pitch black as you can get dark.

When I first confronted them with my theory they put me on medication. Adderall, Focalin, Concerta, Quillivant XR, Ritalin, Vyvanse, Intuniv, Kapvay, and Strattera. All these did was harden my resolve. My parents knew that I knew that they knew something was up.

Its easy to get a gun today. You don't have to even see anyone. You just order them online. And that's what I did. I had to leave school early for three days to get the mail before my parents got home. So now here I am sitting on the couch in the dark waiting for them arrive. 

And when they do they better admit that they have been changed.

Kids These Days 53

If you don't keep kids busy they will find a way to be stupid. Its science. When I was a kid we would get bored and go to sleep. Nowadays kids take pictures of themselves doing dumb shit and post it online. Gone are the days of The Knife Game, Salt & Ice Challenges, drinking liquid nitrogen, snorting Smarties, Krokodil, and fucking Hot Pockets. Yes, those are all real things and I have written about them. The new thing is the Kylie Jenner Challenge.

No, its not a thing where you challenge her to Mortal Kombat. What kids are doing is taking a shot glass, bottle, pill container, or the truly stupid a very small bottle, and sticking their lips into it to enlarge them. Below will be images that may gross you right the fuck out so proceed with caution.

You have been warned.

Dante Bitches About People Magazine Most Beautiful Person 2015

People's Magazine has released their new Most Beautiful Person and as usual I disagree with it. Actually, last year I didn't have a problem. It was Lupita and she is hot. But this is supposed to be about the content of their character and not just their looks. I think. Rihanna got this one year so that can't all be true. That woman is rotten to the core. This years winner is Sandra Bullock. As soon as I found out I asked “Is she coming out with a movie or something?” and of course she is. There was no other reason to hand this...honor unless she was.

When she was told she won she said “Real beauty is quiet. Especially in this town, it's just so hard not to say, 'Oh, I need to look like that.' No, be a good person, be a good mom, do a good job with the lunch, let someone cut in front of you who looks like they're in a bigger hurry. The people I find most beautiful are the ones who aren't trying.” Says the pretty person. I'm a dick so I translate everything she said to this. “If you are hot things are easier in a lot of ways. I don't have to be a good person but if I am hot and nice people will like me more because hot people tend to be mean. Because they're hot. Also, let assholes have their way. If they wanna go faster than they should, let them. Maybe they'll die in a horrible wreck.”

And that “Oh, I need to look like that” thing she says about “this town” meaning Los Angeles bugs me. Leave. Everyone that hates being here leave! All the people that look “like that” aren't even from here.

Dante Explains Shit: Drone Strikes

I hate learning about the government. Ask me when is the last time I did one of those Dante Learns The Amendments. Its one of those things that I find boring and aggravating because there seems to be an answer to fixing the way it works but those things don't get done. Whatever you want from your government will get you the opposite and then you wait four or eight years and start over with someone else doing the same shit. Or worse.

Earlier president Barrack Obama issued an apology after a drone strike in Pakistan that killed an American development expert named Warren Weinstein and Italian aid worker Giovanni Lo Porto. They say this is the first instance of the U.S accidentally killing a hostage in a drone strike. Most people reading that just rolled their eyes. “As president and as commander in chief I take full responsibility for all our counter-terrorism operations. I profoundly regret what happened. On behalf of the United States government I offer our deepest apologies to their families.”

Kids These Days 52

I was talking to a few friends recently about certain things you don't see anymore and when you do you go “Wow, that used to be way common when I was a kid!” In this Kids These Days I wanted to talk about medical stuff that just disappeared for some reason. Not things like polio, leprosy, and measles. But just things that used to be common, some of you may have had them, but you don't see any more.

Neck Braces. Can someone explain to me what happened to this? When I was a kid I saw quite a few people wearing them and even got to wear one. No, I didn't need to wear it but it was fun. Someone had gotten a whiplash and had to wear it so I put it on for fun. But when I was a kid I saw these all the time on TV and in real life. Sometime in the early 90's I'd say they just vanished. Is there some strange ass landfill just full of these? 

Maybe people just have stronger necks than they used to. I'd love to walk into a place wearing one of these just to see the look on people's faces today. I'd probably get some high-fives. Kids would think I had some new version of those dealie bobs people wear on airplanes. And they'd believe it. Kids are stupid.

The Best Woman/Worst Mother Alive Part 2 (More Information)

That hot mom I recently wrote about (click here to check that out and hate me a little bit more) Rachel Lehnardt is a little bit worse than I originally thought. For those that don't know, after telling her sponsor that she had sex with a couple of teen boys at a party for her 16 year old daughter, smoking pot, and getting drunk she was arrested. Well, her husband James Lehnardt who is 37, an Iraq War veteran, and being treated for PTSD wants custody of their five children. He is accusing Rachel of leaving their children alone for weeks at a time while she goes to visit her boyfriend. Yes. I am fully aware that in one paragraph I mentioned that she has slept with two teens, has a boyfriend, and is still married.

One week before Rachel was arrested for Sex Fest 2015 James went to court for custody of their children. They have been separated for the past six months after she first filed for divorce from him. They have been married since 2000. James said that Rachel played nude Twister and took bubble baths with their teen daughter and her 16 year old boyfriend (that she would later bang) and gave “advice to teenagers less than 17 years of age about oral, anal, and vaginal sex.” He also threw in that Rachel's boyfriend smokes pot and uses Ecstasy and has also taken LSD. I would ask how he knows all of this but Rachel seems like the kinda person that would openly share this kind of information but James says that his children told him this.

Dante's Guide To Not Shaming

This is a singer named Michael Buble. He is being accused of body shaming after his wife took this photo and he posted it on Instagram with the caption “There was something about this photo lu took ,that seemed worthy of instagram. #myhumps #babygotback #hungryshorts #onlyinmiami#picoftheday #beautifulbum.” Honestly, I'm not even sure what shaming means anymore. The world is a new place where no matter what you say it can be taken in the wrong way, particularly because no one talks because fuck you text me for 8 hours instead of speaking for 8 minutes.

I'm gonna see if I can walk everyone through how not to be offensive and shame people because there seems to be no right way to say anything anymore. No matter what you say to someone you are gonna hurt their feelings and be brought out into the public and shamed for your shameful shaming. I think that's how it works. Kinda like how when someone is being bullied you get a bigger bully to bully them. Right? Science!

The Best Woman/Worst Mother Alive

I am so happy that people I love send me stories like this. Dashuh sent this story about the best mother on the planet Earth...if she isn't your mother. 35 year old Rachel Lynn Lehnardt of Evans, Georgia was arrested for a lot of reasons. I'll get to them in a minute. A few weeks ago Rachel, I'm gonna call her that from this point on because I like to believe we'd be great friends, threw a party at her home for her teenage daughter. There was naked Twister, pot smoking (not the pot!), drinking, and the evening ended with Rachel having sex with a 16 year old guy. Jesus. My hands hurt from all the imaginary high five's I'm doing!

Rachel probably would've kept this all under wrap for a little bit longer but she decided to tell her Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor what she did. Why? I don't know. Maybe she felt guilty. I'm sure the boy didn't. I am speaking as a man with an alleged penis and if I was 16 and some 35 year old lady tried to put it on me I would make no attempt to stop her. Her sponsor called the cops after meeting with Rachel because he was jealous he wasn't invited and she has now lost custody of her 4, 6, 8, 10, and 16 year old children. Fucking hell. No wonder she is divorced. Too many goddamn kids.

During this party she also showed pictures of herself having sex with her boyfriend. That would have been the low point of the party for me. I don't wanna see that shit. She ended up having the sex with an 18 year old that was at the party and after falling asleep she was woken up around 3:30am having sex and thought it was the 18 year old. It wasn't. It was a 16 year old kid...that was her daughter's boyfriend.

Flakka Strikes Again

A guy in Melbourne, Florida was arrested after taking a drug, it is being said it was that flakka stuff I wrote about last week, and having sex with a tree and fighting a cop. 41 year old Kenneth Crowder was seen running through a neighborhood screaming that he was God and having sex with nature. 

When police came and found him he had clothes on. The cop says Crowder approached him acting all kinds of crazy so he zapped his ass twice with a Taser. It did nothing because, well, Florida. 

Crowder yanked the barbs from the Taser out and punched the cop and tried to stab him with his own badge. When the cop punched him he called himself Thor. Crowder was charged with battery on a law enforcement officer but get this...he was released after posting bond. The officer is doing okay and we now have another case of this crazy ass drug making people do crazy ass things. How much does it cost to get out of jail for having tree sex and stabbing a cop? They don't say how much but judging from this guys mugshot I can't imagine it had to be all that much.