Kids These Days 34

Every once in a while I will see a news story and pause thinking that I am just not reading it right. Like, it can't say what it looks like it says because if it does that means that I'm not building my spaceship fast enough to get the fuck off of this planet. There's this kid, 18, who goes by the name VersacePockets who has been banned from Vine because of his fuckery.

He was dared to have sex with a Hot Pocket and decided that he would. On the video you can see his face perfectly well even though he wants to remain anonymous. He has had the sex with other food but his antics with Hot Pockets got his ass blocked by that company's Twitter page as well as Twitter and Vine. “I just thought it was so fuckin' funny” he said in an interview on First We Feast. Thank god this shit didn't exist while I was growing up.

He took the tag line literally.

“I tried doing it without a condom and it was just, like, way too hot. I put it in the fridge for a little bit and I was like, 'Dude, I'm gonna have to use a condom if I'm gonna actually stick my dick in the whole Hot Pocket.'” The worst part about this crap is that he works around food. I personally don't want to know that the kid making my food spends his free time fucking it and posting videos and pictures of it.

“I run a 100K page, @pizzaminati, that I started a few months ago because I got out of high school and I'm not going to school now or any shit, I'm just working full time. So I just started talking about pizza just, like, all pizza tweets and then all these large-ass accounts just stole my tweets, like my original writing. A couple months later I hit 100K and there were all these other pages about pizza that just take my tweets all day. So I kind of just took my personal account and fucked around a bit, and then all these kids were pissing me off so I just posted, like...I did much more crazy shit than just fuck a Hot Pocket and a Pop Tarts box.”

Still believe that children are the future?

There are so many sites to do dumb shit on. Too many. You got sites where you can post things that are crazy as hell and then they disappear. Others where dick pics are just the norm. Kids these days, I swear. Just...stop. If I had a kid they would not be allowed to use the internet.

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