Thursday, February 26, 2015

Johnny Panic: Superman Never Bragged 1 of 2

A guy has taken over a bank armed with a stick with poo on the end of it. No gun. No knife. Just a poo stick. This is how my week was starting. This is stupid and I'm not sure why the police even called me. But here I am. 9 in the morning and standing in the entrance of a bank watching this guy, obviously homeless, waving a stick in the air. He looks at me and there isn't a hint of recognition in his face which means he is like crazy because everyone knows who I am.

Johnny Panic.

He comes barreling at me and I sonic shout at him when he's a few feet from me. The stick falls to the ground a second after he does clutching his head and screaming. I turn around and the police come storming in. News cameras are waiting outside and I am just not in the mood. Or as Zazz used to say when we were kids and he didn't have the words to describe it “The Angers.”

Last week my mother had to get surgery. I took her to China because they are all about them stem cells and while she is recovering I've been super bummed out. Ronica has been good at cheering me up and was in the process of cheering me up with her mouth when I got the call to deal with this. The police captain doesn't even thank me. He nods and keeps on walking towards the guy on the ground while some officers put gloves on.

“You're welcome” I say to him. He shakes his head and keeps walking. “I said--”

“I heard what you said” he mumbles.

“Stop being a dick, you dick” I tell him. “You think I wanted to spend my morning hobo wrangling? No. I was getting some sweet lovin' when you guys called. Next time do it yourself.”

“I didn't want you here and didn't need you here” he says. The crowd ooh's. Oh, no he didn't. “We are more than capable of handling situations like this. Your help, while appreciated, was not necessary.”

“Oh, okay” I say. “I see what you're trying to do. It wasn't like I was just hanging out at the bank when this happened. You guys called me, dick.”

“You know I can arrest you for that, right?” he says and smiles at me. I get a text from Ronica that just says “Come home.” She's probably watching this all happen on the news live. I should stop saying dick so much then.

“I'd like to see you try, dick” I say. “You don't have anything that could possibly contain me. I've moved planets.”

“The moon isn't a planet” he says. The crowd laughs.

“But your mama is” I reply. The crowd laughs louder.

“And what of your mama, Panic?” he says. He knows that my mother is recovering and is just trying to angry my blood. It worked. I inhale deep to release a sonic scream that will blow his bones out of his body. Ronica sends another text that says “Stop.”

“Where were you when I was battling that alien? How about when that asteroid was coming towards the planet and I shoved it off course? I've done more for this city before I was a teenager than you will your entire time as a cop, you dick. I'm the only superhero this planet has and you're using me to get cats out of trees meaning shit swinging hobos. And why is this guy homeless and crazy? I bet he spent years serving his country before you all forgot about him. I'm going home.” I prepare to take off when the cop has to have the last word.

“Superman never bragged” he says. The crowd applauds. Is he fucking serious?

“Are you fucking serious?” I ask. “Superman was fake and a pussy. I'm real and in your face. You feeling froggy?” He reaches for his gun. “Oh, come on. Okay. Everyone stand back. We got a itchy finger here and I don't want anyone hurt by the ricochet. I'm gonna let you empty that entire clip in my face then I'm going on vacation. Let's see how you handle crime when I'm not around.”

“Like in Hancock?” a reporter asks.

“Shut up” I say. “That movie sucked. Come on. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.” The cop unloads on me. People gasp. I remove my shirt and they gasp even louder. “Have fun filling out that report.” I take off and fly home feeling like I should've listened to Ronica.

Click here for previous Johnny Panic

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