Friday, November 18, 2016

Johnny Panic: Street Walkin' Cheetah Part 1 of 3

I know it sounds bad but sometimes I forget that I'm a father. I know that I win Sexiest Man Alive pretty much every year, I'm the most powerful human to ever exist ever, and the coolest person you know. Johnny Panic. Hello. Is that a new shirt? No? Well, it looks great. The blue really brings out the love your have for me in your eyes. Don't deny it. I don't care. You know its true, so accept it.

“Do you have everything?” Ronica asks me while I pack Milly's bag for the day...which I will immediately toss on the roof when I leave. I put in a spare pair of clothes. You'll find out why later. Some snacky nyum nyum's. And juice. That's all a kid pretty much needs in life. Ronica goes through the bag and removes everything I packed and puts in stuff adults thinks kids need to survive. She knows Milly is tough but she has no idea how tough. Because I'll never tell her. She'd kill me if she knew the crazy shit me and our baby have done so I could find out just how strong she is.

We've flown into volcanoes, stopped bank robberies, put a fire out in an orphanage which is the cheesiest superhero thing I've ever done, bitch slapped sharks, and the most dangerous of all...drank water in India. Trust me. I had a hard time explaining to Ronica why our daughter was peeing out of her butt for three days. I blamed it on her moms muffins. Milly is just over 1 years old and has shown more abilities than I did at her age. I was about 7 when I first flew. All the other cool shit came later. Milly can fly. Well, if I'm being honest its more like floating. You take her off her string and she'll just go straight up. She can't be hurt in any way we've discovered. She has my sonic scream. And she laughs in the face of danger. 

Like right now.

“Don't let daddy be dumb” she tells Milly who just laughs. She looks like me when she is happy. “I'm serious, Mary Lucille.” Milly frowns. Now she looks like her mother.

“Why you gotta use her government when you angry?” I ask her.

“Because every time you leave the house with her she comes back wet, smelling like smoke, or wearing new clothes because god knows what happened to what she left in.” Ronica walks over to me and pokes her finger into my chest.

“I just ironed this.”

“No you didn't. I did.”

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome.” She kisses me on the nose. “Don't be dumb.”

“If I were dumb, would I do...this?!”

“You're not doing anything.”

“Or am I doing all the things?”

“I can't even with you” she says and makes sure Milly's tether is on extra tight. Milly laughs at the sound it makes and hugs Ronica's head. “You are such a weird baby” she says and pries Milly from her head and hugs her and kisses her on the cheeks. She releases her and she just floats in front of her. “I'm almost used to that.”

“What ya gonna do while we're out being cool asses?” I ask her.

“Probably hang with Zazz and Aimee. Go see a movie or whatever” she says.

“Ugh, that sounds miserable” I moan. “You sure you don't wanna come with us?”

“I'm sure.”

“But look at us” I say and pull Milly to me, cheek to cheek. “Look at how cute we are. Oh, my god. Such cute. Much lovely. By far the best looking people you've ever laid your eyes upon. Join us...join us...” I chant as we float in circles around Ronica, Milly giggling. “You know Zazz is gonna fall asleep in the theater and you and Aimee are gonna move a few seats over because his snoring will embarrass you two.”

“That's only happened eight times...” she says.

“Mommy doesn't wanna hang with the cool kids” I say. Milly just blows bubbles at her. “Yeah. Raspberries.” I kiss Ronica and grab her ass because that's what I do. “Love you, sugarfoot.”

“Love you, too” she says. “Remember what I said.”

“Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evenin', pizza at suppertime, when pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime?”

“Don't. Be. Dumb.”

Thankfully Ronica wasn't around ten minutes later when I had Milly riding on the back of a dolphin before heading 1,000 feet under the sea. I take pictures to show her later. Like, way later. When Milly is a teen later.

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