Rosscast Episode 268: Bitches Be Crazy

In this episode I talk about how I spent my holidays including ice skating, a Bitches Be Crazy featuring a woman demanding sex at knife point, and two Only In Florida stories featuring…um, more women getting mad after sex and attacking men. Click here to download this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

"Teenage Dirtbag" Part 5

Part 1

Part 2 

Part 3 

Part 4 

Camaro was looking out of his bedroom window with the curtains shut at the new neighbors son. From some research online he found out that his name was Antonio E. Bagram, age 16. His parents were from Guatemala and Pakistan. He had no siblings other than a younger sister that had passed away when he was 10 years old. They had previously lived in Virginia, Roswell, and Los Angeles. Antonio has trained in krav maga, judo, and various forms of martial arts.

Just as Antonio was about to enter his home he stopped just short of the entrance, turned, and waved at Camaro’s direction. Camaro threw his curtain open and stared. Antonio shrugged and headed inside, closing the door. Aunt Stacy burst into his bedroom, obviously upset. She sat at the end of her bed for a few moments before letting out a frustrated growl.

“Shit!” she shouted.

“Are you out of cigarettes?” Camaro asked. Stacy looked at Camaro, patted her pocket, and lowered her head again.

“The mission is cancelled” she replied.

You Scared, Bro?: A Study Of Black Folk Dying In Films

The other day I was watching a movie and a Black character in it made it till the end of the film. I was like “Oh, my god. He’s actually gonna make it to the credits!” I didn’t know how to feel. I also spoke too soon because he ended up dying three minutes before the film ended. I mean, come on. As a Black dude ever since I was little I would hear people joke about how Black people always die in movies. It doesn’t matter what type of film it is. They will not make it till the end. God forbid it’s a horror film. Jeez, as soon as anyone of any race sees a Black guy they already know that they wont make it.

Its pretty much a given that Black people, men specifically, will kick the bucket long before anyone else. I started thinking about this and Cam pointed out a few more characters in films that were killed or totally dicked over so I decided to make a quick list of some of them. This isn’t some mission statement from me wanting Black folks to live more often in movies. But…yeah. It kinda is.

Dante Saves You: End Of The World Edition

Last week everyone was prepared for the end of the world. At least some of them thought they were. Gathering gold, guns, and food isn’t the best way to prepare when you think the world is actually gonna end. That’s ridiculous. You think you have enough bullets to take on an asteroid? Do you?! Well, you don’t. Jackass.

I have decided to help you survive all forms of end of the world scenarios in this End Of The World Edition! Though many thought that the Mayans predicted the end of the world they were never really specific about it. I, on the other hand, am very specific when it comes to nonsense like this. So let me try and tell all you sumbitches how to survive!

Kids These Days 12

Oh, kids! They’re so funny today what with their giving themselves chemical burns for fun, doing drugs that drive them temporarily insane until they smash their faces into the ground, and breastfeeding. Wait. What?! Yes, that is a thing. Allow mw to introduce/horrify you with the Breastmilk Baby Doll! I don’t know about you, but I have always been concerned with the fact that little girls weren’t learning to breastfeed early enough.

I...I cant.

You should see this creepy thing in action. I say keep it away from teen boys because they will be using it for all the wrong reasons. Oh, shut up! You know you were thinking it, too! Anyhoot, some company in Spain, surprisingly not Germany, decided that little girls needed to know what it was like to have their fun bags suckled.

Dante On Ice

Me and Ikuko went to ice skate in Downtown Los Angeles. If I thought skating was hard ice skating is its evil sister! I managed to not fall, eventually skate on my own without hugging the railing, and not kill myself or others!

Rosscast Episode 267: She Came From Ireland

In this episode I talk about my week so far, Christmas bitching, a Dude What The Fuck? featuring a man angry at cheese on his burger, a We Going To Hell about sexual advances turned down, and answer Listener Questions provided by Hazel. Click here for this and past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Future Win: Awesome Vehicles

I know I’ve written in the past in my Future Fail blogs that it was total bullshit that its 2012, weeks from 2013, and we don’t have flying cars or metal pants. One of my main complaints about the future is that we’re still riding around in cars. I mean, come on. A big issue I have with cars is the size. A human that is a few hundred pounds controls something that is a couple of thousand pounds. That’s ridiculous. But Lit has come out with a new vehicle that I wouldn’t hesitate to drive! Introducing the C1! It stays up with gyros…and science!

How's it work? Elves? Jesus? Yo mama?!

Look at this crazy ass thing. I’ve watched the demo video and it looks like you’re riding in a motorcycle. I love the size of it and the fact that it cant be knocked over. Yeah, that’s right. It cant be knocked over. When it is hit it just nudges to the size a bit. I know some of you think that’s impossible but you obviously haven’t seen some of the crazy shit the government has cooked up like DARPA. Youtube that thing if you wanna get creeped right the fuck out.

Rosscast Episode 266: Fish & Grits

For this episode that is nothing but Listener Questions from Beastman. I answer such things as what type of hustler get the most money in West Hollywood, why I don’t have a Mr. T haircut, who would play me in my life’s story, and whether or not making paper everyday is all I’m trippin’ on. Click here for this and previous Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Dante Vs. Nature 20

Life isn’t fair. If you’re an adult you know this. We all hope to live to a good age where we’ve spent at least 25% of it doing the things we like and love. We also expect to make it there whole. You know, with all our body parts connected to each other. Sadly, when you toss nature’s bitch ass into the mix things get thrown off kilter. You remember that lady Sandra Herold? No? Well, you probably remember her pet chimp Travis that ripped her friends face off. Yeah. Now you remember.

How you doin'?

The victim, Charla Nash, was recently awarded four million bucks for the damage done to her face. Now when I say that she was damaged I mean that in the same way that I say that space is large. Her face was wrecked! I wont even post a picture of it its so bad. If you want you can Google that shit but I’m not posting an image. Travis ripped off her lips, nose, eyelids, and because nature does shit for funsies ripped her hands off. That’s some mean Mortal Kombat type shit.

Human Pigeon

I made a video a few years ago where I acted like a human pigeon. Why? I don't know. I think its too late in our relationship to ask questions about my strange behavior.

Dante's Fuckit List Entry 12

A few years back there was something I started doing most Sundays for the better part of two years. I did it once in a while as a child and didn't miss it when I stopped. When I started again it was fine except for some occurrences that would make me mad or annoy the hell out of me. This is something that many of you still do but if I never did it again I'd be perfectly fine with it.

Kids These Days 11

Ever hear of the “Ice & Salt Challenge”? Neither had I until seeing a news report about it. Who knows what kind of retarded ass shit that kids these days are getting into? The point of the Ice & Salt Challenge is to wet your skin, put salt on your skin, doesn’t matter where, and then you add an ice cube to it. Next you wait while your skin slowly then quite quickly burn your flesh while your friends watch and laugh. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? DOESN’T IT?!

For anyone that lives where it snows on a regular basis you probably read that first paragraph and laughed or cringed at the level of stupidity it would take to try something like this. I have been in the snow only once and have almost died from swallowing an ice cube. That is my experience with cold. But at one point in my life I was very smart. I know the chemical process that occurs when ice meets salt…meets skin.

Five Things I Learned Living Alone

The day before my 21st birthday I moved into this apartment and have been here ever since. That’s is both sad and admirable. When you live alone for an extended amount of time you begin to learn quite a few things about yourself. Some things you learn are good and some are downright terrifying when you sit and think about it.

Not everyone is built to live alone. A lot of you are savages. Some of you need roommates because you’re a sad sack that always needs company or you need someone to clean up the condom wrappers that for whatever reason cant find their way into the trash bin. Here are five things I learned living alone.

Dante Learns The 7th Amendment

This is another one of those Amendments made because British rule was ridiculous. They were all like “I say, kind sir. Though shalt be rapped upon thine ears by our king!“ I mean, ours is at present but it isn’t as bad as they were doing it back in the day. Meaning in the grand scheme of things not all that long ago. There are people that can trace their family lineage back further than this country has been around.

“In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any Court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.”

PETA Is At It Again

Attention. That’s what its all about for PETA. Whether its good attention which is rare or bad attention which it almost always is seems to be their goal. Just look at that picture above. Read that line a few times and explain how someone was paid to think that was a good idea. Lately the organization accused the Peter Jackson and the makers of their latest film in New Zealand, The Hobbit. They are being accused of the deaths of over twenty horses. PETA is being accused of not actually checking the allegations made before jumping on their shit covered high horse.

“The Hobbit production has always instituted swift and immediate investigations in to any concerns of any kind over the treatment of animals under its care. A prompt and thorough investigation into the recent unsubstantiated allegations by the American organization, PETA, in to the ‘hobbling’ of a horse during the making of The Hobbit was undertaken. No evidence of such a practice was found to have occurred at any time.” 

Dante Bitches About People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2012

People Magazine released their list of the sexiest man alive for 2012 and I was pissed. I ranted about Esquire Magazine and how Rihanna was their number one pick. I’m not even gay or a woman and this list made no sense to me. You don’t have to be attracted to men to know when a guy is or not unless you’re seriously that insecure in your sexuality. I doubt many scared straight boys read my stuff anyway. But to vote Channing Tatum as the sexiest man alive? Come on now!

I hated Tatum with a passion that sent ships across the seas for sex hundreds of years ago. He looked weird, he seemed like a dick, and he couldn’t act. But then he started popping up in movies where the roles he was cast in fit him perfectly. Films like Magic Mike and 21 Jumpstreet. I was like “Oh, this is how he’s supposed to act. Dim.” Suddenly I didn’t hate him anymore. He had grown on me like a non cancerous mole.

Rosscast Episode 265: Twinkie RIP

In this episode I discuss the death of Hostess Twinkie’s, Bitches Be Crazy featuring a man being stabbed by his wife, a Dude What The Fuck?! about a guy fighting an old lady over an insult, and a Listener Question I almost couldn’t answer. Click here for this and past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Dante The Luddite

A while back Mr. Soot called me a “luddite.” I wasn’t sure what it meant but he said that it was someone that hated technology. Now, while I am not a fan of technology I do get some of its uses. Like the internet for porn, watching people fall off shit, and getting stuck on Wikipedia for five hours all because I wanted to learn the definition of one word that was used in a Batman comic. One of the definitions of luddite goes like this.

“Many of the ideas that were encompassed within the Luddite Movement have been studied and evaluated in modern economics literature. The concept of ‘Skill Biased Technological Change’ (SBTC) posits that technology contributes to the de-skilling of routine, manual tasks. A changing world and new technologies are usually the blame for the world’s worries. In modern usage, ‘Luddite’ is a term describing those opposed to industrialization, automation, computerization or new technologies in general.”

Technology is a beautiful thing in some cases like I mentioned. But there are times where I wish an EMP would wipe everything out and we’d have to start from scratch. This is usually when I am hanging out with someone and they start texting in the middle of a conversation or when people start talking about the newest iAnything. Fuck those conversations.

Dante Saves You: Vengeful Father Edition

Sometimes people make bad life decisions. You’re running low on cash, you want to be a badass, or its Wednesday and you’re feeling saucy and decide to kidnap someone’s child. Its stupid and if you don’t know it then your friends helping you know it’s a bad decision. Especially when you have to contend with Vengeful Fathers!

Most of these guys were in a foul mood before you decided to abduct their offspring so I’m gonna try to teach you how to if not defeat them then at least run far enough away to scream for help like a three year old lost at the carnival. Which you should never let happen. Saw it on Sons Of Anarchy. It didn’t end well. Let’s get started!

Kids These Days 10

I’ve talked about bullies before on a previous Kids These Days. It exists and will always exist in some way or another. Bullies are assholes that pick on people for many different reasons. They think they are tough, they like the feeling of making other people feel like shit, they have low self esteem, or they get their asses kicked at home and fuck it why not beat up someone myself?

Even with all these reasons its never cool to be a bully. There are many ways to combat a bully the one I prefer is just kicking their ass yourself. I understand that not everyone can do it themselves and don’t have parents or siblings that will do it for them like the girl in this story that I’m about to write about. This is a story I found on Yahoo! that is supposed to be inspirational but made me think of all the bad that could come from it.

Rosscast Episode 264: Strange Times

In this strange ass episode I rant about pubic hair in public restrooms, a Dude What The Fuck?! featuring a cop tazing a 10 year old, We Going To Hell involving a guy with lots of drugs, and an Only In Florida featuring a woman that decided to touch herself at a Starbuck’s. Click here for this and past Rosscast Shows! Oh, and listen to the last few minutes for how I feel about people who text while talking to me presented by Joe Rogan and Duncan Trussell.

Dante Picks The Next President

With the elections happening very soon I have been getting sick and tired of hearing people talk about propositions and the candidate they think will make things worst the least. I decided to pick three people that I think would make a great leader for the country and maybe even the world.

Yes, most of these are fictional characters but whatever. Most cartoon characters are more real to me than actual people. Ask me about my 4th grade teacher. Her name was Sylvia. She was Black. Had brown hair. And…that’s it. Now ask me about Wile E. Coyote. I will blather for hours about him. Now let’s get this election going in the right way!

"Right Fist Of Doom Mates" Intro

Hey, remember last year when I posted the first part of the new Doom Mates movie? Yeah. Almost a year later and there was never anything new added. I watched it a few months back and it just didn’t feel very Doom Mates-like to me. It was creepier and more serious than it should’ve been. After four seasons and over 100 episodes I owed it to those of you that enjoyed it to stick with what brought me to the dance.

This is the new intro I created for the upcoming half hour film. I’ve been creating some really funny scenes, fights, and a rap battle between Dante and Pretty Ricky. And yes there will be dancing from Michael. Thanks to you that have been patient.

My Childhood Halloween Costume

When I was little Halloween was one of those holidays that was more exciting in thought than execution. Like butt sex. I would beg for a costume and most times get nothing but some fangs and blood capsules that I was afraid to use because I just knew I'd be that dumb kid that swallowed them. Honestly, the only costume I can even think of was this Skeletor one that I got. Took me forever to find an image of one since I figured everyone who ever wore it still lives with the embarrassment of it.

Fear me!

When my mother brought this home I screamed like a little girl. The costume consisted of a mask that was held on to my face with a thin rubberband that broke within minutes of being used. I walked around with one hand holding on to the mask. The outfit was one of those old fashioned plastic ones that I'm pretty sure is no longer made due to fire hazards. As cheap as it looks in hindsight I felt pretty badass when I wore it.

Be Creative Not A Hooker

I've written before how Halloween is just an excuse for girls to dress slutty. It bothers me. I'm not even exactly sure why. For some reason around this time of year I get this strange ass Puritan state of mind and would love to see women dress as something cool, original, or creative instead of just saying “Here are my tits and ass with paint on them!” and thinking they should get style points for the year. No. It doesn't work that way. The Munky wrote an excellent blog (read it by clicking here) pointing out the nonsense involved with costumes and how women wear them. She's way more hardcore than me when it comes to this.

One of the things that bothers me most about chicks costumes is that it has to be “Sexy Insert Something That Should Not Be Sexy.” Yeah, we get it. Sexy Nurse. Sexy Ghost. Sexy Maid. Whatever. We've seen it a thousand times and its seriously old. Save those get-ups for sex. Halloween is about being creative and/or scary as shit. Don't do what these people don't do. By the way, I'm not even kind of complaining about that chick above. She's too damned hot.

Rosscast Episode 263: Listener Question Time!

In this completely Listener Question based episode I answer questions about wrestling, Snoop Dogg, why I’m ugly, and Warner Bros. making people get tattoos removed. Click here for this and past Rosscast Shows.

Dante's Beat Up Ass Ceiling

For the past week I’ve been bitching about my raggedy ass ceiling. Monday morning I woke up and went to get a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch because I’m a grown ass man and can eat whatever the fuck I want. I look at the ceiling and it was closer to me than it was the previous night. “That’s not good…” I said aloud and called the owner’s sister who kinda sorta has something to do with getting shit fixed. It had a crack in it for years and I never got it repaired because whenever they “fix” something in my place they make something else worse.

I was talking to a friend when I heard a crack and slam which is also what I call it when I have sex. I called my building people again and told them that shit was getting real and I didn’t want to come home from work with an extra apartment in my kitchen. She huffed and puffed like I was calling about a leaking faucet. She said someone would come to check it out. The next day the building manager looked at it, made some sounds, and said someone would be coming Wednesday. What the fuck?

Disney's Not Latino Princess

Holden: “They’re not saying anything about you now. Okay? They’re talking about fictional characters. Fictional characters. Am I…am I getting through to you at all?” 

Jay: “So, all we gotta do is go stop the fuckin’ movie from gettin’ made.” 

Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back

As many of you know, I will find anything to bitch about. But sometimes something comes up and I have to bitch about the bitchers. Disney does not need my help defending themselves against a bunch of yahoos that not only have things to complain about that don’t affect their lives, but believe in their bullshit enough to start campaigns and try and get Disney to…I don’t even know.

"No one will complain about this. I promise."

There’s some new terrible ass made for TV “animated” cartoon about a new character named Princess Sofia. One Disney representative made the mistake of saying that she was Latina. Now, we all know that every race wants to be represented in TV and movies. But it has to be the way they want it. Latinos are pissed because Sofia has blue eyes and her skin isn’t dark enough. Because as we all know there are no Latinos with blue colored eyes. That shit isn’t even a real thing.

Kids These Days 9

Oh, you kids and your crazy…things. On my Facebook we had a whole discussion about butt chugging which is when you insert a tube in your ass and pump it full of beer or whatever’s handy. That’s bad for you. Your ass is exit only except for special occasions like Saturday. But this story I saw about a chick named Gaby Scanlon from England is far worse. I’d rather consume booze with my ass then have my stomach removed. How could an 18 year old girl celebrating her birthday have her stomach removed? Oh, by consuming some of this.

Yum yum give me some!

Yeah, that’s liquid fucking nitrogen. Its used for keeping shit cold and making science experiments in school seem half interesting. I know that people like to do strange shit with alcohol, but putting nitrogen in my drink is not something I’m interested in. She got the drink at a bar and later started “…becoming breathless and developing severe stomach pain” and “diagnosed with a perforated stomach.” Doctors had to perform a gastrectomy which removed her stomach because she swallowed liquid fucking nitrogen!

Dante Vs. Nature 19

I saw an article that started with the sentence “…giant eyeball washed up on a Florida beach…” and immediately started stretching for The Great Shove 20--. The reason that no year is permanently listed is because I don’t travel and getting near that state is like me saying I want to voluntarily jump into the ocean aka Earth’s Buffet. “Experts” are saying that the eye belongs to a sailfish…probably. They aren’t even 100% sure. They’re just throwing shit against the wall and seeing what will not make Dante go nuts.

Five Things I Learned Being Unemployed

Ever since the economy turned to shit back in 2008 I’ve been half employed. Yeah, I have a job but its never permanent. Working as an assistant editor I can go from job to job but I cant at this point in my life say that I have a full time job. During these last four years I have been unemployed and from November 2008 to February 2010 did not have a job. That was one of the most difficult parts of my life and something I wish to never repeat.

I learned a lot of shit when I wasn’t working about my friends, my spending habits, my mind, and myself. Earlier this year there was a two month period where I didn’t have a job and started to feel myself slip back into that unemployed mind state and realized that I needed to shut that shit down immediately. I didn’t but I did have help from friends. Here is a list of five things I learned while being unemployed. Hope it helps some of you out and me if I ever end up not working again.

Story Behind The Photo 16

About three years ago I went to the library with Cam to play with kids toys and draw on the ground. No, not because I'm just some hooligan that just combs the city streets looking for ways to cause destruction. Usually. I would go to help out with the Easter events, Halloween, and festivals. I miss doing that. It gave me an up close and personal view of the enemy: kids. This first image is me trying to get into a ball pit. I want one and cant have it so when I have the chance to get into one, whether I fit or not, I'm getting in the damned thing. So I did. Or tried. Either way it was fun. I'm looking at this picture and am pissed knowing that I don't own those pants anymore. I think I tore the ass out of them. And that shirt is falling apart because I had it for way too long.

Five Things I Learned About Love

What is love? Baby don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. No more. I had to do it. We’re not gonna get into the science of love like how its just your brain pumping testosterone and estrogen, adrenaline, dopamine, serotonin, and cortical. Not gonna do that. I’m gonna talk about me and the things I’ve learned about when I am in love or love someone. Yes, there is a difference. There’s “I love you and hope you don’t die before me” and “I love you and want to cut your cake with my knife.”

People throw the word love around a lot. I love my late fish Maximus more than most of the people that walk this planet. I know that he was just a fish but whatever. I loved the little psychopath. Love is a very complex thing that we’ll never really understand completely and cant compare to others because fuck their emotions. You know what you love.

Story Behind The Photo 15

This is the official first image of Pretty Ricky. Me and Cam were in Westwood doing some shopping and there was this $3 shop that we were in and I saw this thing just calling for me. Why did I want it? I have no idea. I saw it and got it. We rode around Beverly Hills singing Blondie songs and scaring tourists as a very happy curly haired chick and her large Black male friend sang “Heart Of Glass” at the top of their lungs. This was one of those days that I look back on and remember so many details. I was so damned happy just being a weirdo with my bestfriend. This wig inspired me to make Pretty Ricky a character on Doom Mates and you all know how that went. Pretty Ricky has a Prettier Than You series and has even been on Tha O Show. I wish I had this day on tape. Why do we not have that technology right now? Stupid planet.

Click here for past Story Behind The Photo.

Dante Saves You: Evil House Edition

Its October and you know what that means. Halloween! When I was little I went to a few haunted houses and they were just regular ass houses with straw thrown on the floor because as we all know straw is the scariest thing that you can find on the floor. When you see straw anything can happen after that point!

But this isn’t true. You can live in a jacked up ass house that wants to kill you or use you to kill your family and friends. Allow me to introduce Evil Houses! I know some of you will be like “Why didn’t you mention Poltergeist?!” to which I’ll respond “German scares me!” and the fact that I have used that damned movie in enough blogs already. So get ready for me to save your dumbass.

Dante The Masculine Feminist

Lies. I’m one of the least masculine men ever. Some of you may be shocked to know this, but I am a huge feminist. I think that women and men are equal in every sense and a woman can be President of the United States. Well, that last part is mostly because I don't think fucking up for four years is a male exclusive activity. I have never walked around thinking that men were better than women because I give so much of the fact that I've never been arrested, don't have kids I don't take care of running around, or sitting around getting high and drunk all the time because of my grandmother's who were amazing women.

fem-uh-niz-uhm; noun: doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men. 

As some of you know I do a list on my other blog called Bad Mamma Jamma which covers cool and tough ass women in films. After a short amount of time I had run out of women that were bad ass which sucks because I love the ladies. You look at films and there is a huge shortage of women for girls to look up. I mean, you should be looking up to your mother or women in your life but as we all know…life if fucking ridiculous. Our mothers tend to do more harm than good or we learn by doing the opposite of them.

Dante Bitches About Cosmo Magazine

Last weekend I stayed on the phone with Munky for about three hours raging about Cosmopolitan Magazines website. If you’ve never seen it, they write articles that are meant to get women murdered with sexual suggestions. I found this article called 10 Ways To Change Your Man (Just A Little).

“Okay—we get it. No matter how much you love your guy, there are always going to be things about him that drive you nuts. But trying to, uh, tweak him can get tricky. Enter the guys at ModernMan.com—they swear these subtle moves will fix his issues.” 

Ugh…

Kids These Days 8

There are a lot of people that aren’t into anime. I am. Before I knew it had an actual name when I was little I used to just call them Japanese cartoons. Many of the cartoons I loved growing up like Robotech and Voltron are anime. I’m wearing a Voltron shirt right now actually. But there is a darker side to anime. Just shit tons of porn with juices and all kinds of weird shit. But still, anime rules. Except when people decide to do it in real life.

Aah! Aah! Kill it with fire!

This isn’t like regular ass cosplay which can be ridiculously hot. This chick that I saw on Yahoo! creeps me right the fuck out. This dame does her face up to look like an anime chick and I shit you know if I saw this in a forest I would run harder than I ever have in my life! “Oh, Dante. I am the magical fairy of…” F-f-f-f-fuck yooooooooooouuuuuu!!!

Conversation With A Cabbie

Tonight I am in half zombie mode after getting less sleep than usual and then hanging out with my best friend, Cam. We went out to eat and I’ll cover that in my Fill Your Food Hole blog. I wanted to talk about the cab ride I had tonight and the awesome ass conversation that occurred. Normally when I ride a cab I’m already pissed because they say they showed up and picked someone up that wasn’t me or they are surly and not in the mood to converse with me. I actually almost missed this cab because it was sitting at the end of the block out of my sight. I ran to it and got inside. We talked about almost missing each other and took off.

Now, my cab ride is short. Less than ten minutes because of the time of day I take it. Me and the driver, named Tony from New Jersey, began talking. Let me say that it is always funny to me that people from the East coast always say where they are from as if it’s a part of their name. He asked if I was heading to work and I let him know that I was actually leaving work. Then we got on the topic of sleep and he talked about how when he was younger he used to party all the time and never slept. He talked about how it is good to sleep and how he thinks he lost his hair because of not taking care of himself. “Amongst other reasons” he said while laughing.

Hiccups? Here, Try This Bullet!

Sometimes friends do really dickish things. They will eat all your cereal, show up without calling first, or shoot you in the face to cure your hiccups. Wait. What?! As my friend Dashuh said “At least he doesn't have hiccups anymore. Good to know what works. Not the best way to stop them but effective.” Which is true. But I think I’d rather have someone tell me to hold my breath or jump from behind a corner to cure my hiccups.

Pfc. Patrick Edward Myers who is 27 is now gonna be charged with manslaughter and if his ass is convicted, which he likely will be, to 20 years in prison for shooting his friend in the face to cure his hiccups. He and two other friends, also in the military, were drinking and watching football. Myers probably thought “This will be super funny!” and put a gun that he figured was unloaded because as we all know we make the best life decisions when drunk and shot his friend in the face. Police showed up and said “Yep. He dead.”

Kids These Days 7

Remember back in the day when people would get high just from sniffing glue, eating paint chips, or rubbing cow udders on their elbows? Apparently that’s not good enough anymore. Allow me to introduce you to the world of 2C-1 aka Smiles because irony is the new fuck life. Yeah, that’s the name of this drug that sounds like the complete opposite of fun. Think of the best time you’ve ever had in your life. Okay? Now add sheer fucking terror to it and you’ll have this legal drug that the youths are now taking because fuck reasoning with those idiots.

If only every goddamn idiot wore their ignorance on a shirt.

This stuff works within two hours of taking it at small doses and last from four to twelve hours. That’s a lot of fucking time. That’s a day at work. The effects are mental, which is always groovy, but when taken in higher doses because seeing Death singing LMFAO songs isn’t enough it becomes a full out freakout fest in your head. Some side effects are vomiting, feeling like you wanna vomit, and muscle tension. Yeah, that sounds too fucking fun. Some also feel giddy and hyper for a few hours which translates to “I am gonna annoy the fuck out of anyone that can see or hear me for a while!” You pretty much become a human parrot.

Its The Small Things

I’m a grown ass man. I’ve been on this planet for over 30 years and growing up I was denied a lot of shit that I wanted. Things like candy, toys, and just regular crap kids want like Disneyland and trips to the theater. So when I first got my own place the day before my 21st birthday I went and bought a bunch of stuff that I wanted but didn’t need. I got a bunch of wrestling toys and whatever things I could find from my youth that I had wanted but didn’t get. Till this day when I see something I want and can buy I will get it. Again, because I’m a grown ass man.

Above is a big box of Fruity Pebbles that I bought today while shopping. Yeah, I bought a lot of stuff and almost bought a new TV. I got some chocolate body spray, bags of candy for my jar at work, a new iron, oh and a fucking Thor hammer! Camille spotted some kid walking around with one and I hunted down where they were being kept. Then I almost accidentally stole it. I was so used to walking around with it on my wrist that I almost didn’t pay for it. Later I had a great lunch with my best friend and enjoyed life in general. This was a good weekend.

The point of this, if there is one, is that its all about the little things in life. That box of cereal, sais I got from San Francisco years ago, Right Hand of Doom from Trish, and Mjolnir make me happy. And these objects are probably why I’m still single. One of many reasons. Either way I am happy to have things like this in my home.

Rosscast Episode 262: Wallowing In My Danteness

In this episode I talk about that NASA shuttle flying over the country for no reason, being sick of boring ass people, my Social Asperger’s Syndrome, a Bitches Be Crazy with a woman cutting a baby out of a lady, and a fan given Dude What The Fuck? that involves a double amputee being shot by cops. Click here for this and past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Dante Vs. Nature 18

Some dude named David Villalobos who is 25 and should known damned better got wrecked by a Siberian tiger in a New York zoo. According to almost every film I have seen that involves New York, that place seems dangerous enough as it is without flying in monsters from other countries and locking them up where they just wait for the chance to eat a jackass. And in case you’re wondering, most of my information about New York comes from The Warriors. If you haven’t seen that documentary you totally should!

This maroon ended up getting a wound in his back, a bite on his ankle, and a fracture in his knee. Have you seen one of these goddamn things?! They had to save his dumbass by spraying a fire extinguisher at the tiger named Bachuta which we all know is Spanish for “I shouldn’t be in a zoo damn you so watch what happens when someone gets in my cage!” Or something close to that. Bachuta is 400 pounds of fuck your lifestyle. Apparently he was in that cage for ten minutes with furry death. That had to be the longest ten minutes ever. Next to sex with Jennifer Aniston. Seriously, she just looks absolutely no fun in bed.

Too Fat For Execution

Some dude is too fat for execution. I heard about this one other time when some guy was super fat and he was supposed to be hanged and they were like “His head will detach from his fat body!” I don’t recall what ended up happening. Maybe they hung him by his ankles. Whatever. This guy Ronald Post who was sentenced to death in Ohio 29 years ago for shooting and killing a hotel clerk is too huge for lethal injection. So when I was running around watching He-Man he was killing folks. Yes, I know I was watching He-Man last week. Shut up.

His lawyers say that it would cause this man of 480 motherfucking pounds “…serious physical and psychological pain.” Know what would fix that? Death. Just push him down some stairs. He was supposed to be killed by lethal injection next year but they are having trouble finding a vein in his fat body. I know a lot of people out there hate the death penalty and have strong arguments against it. But then someone like me comes along with a sensibility that borders on Megatron’s and is two bad days away from anarchy. “But there are innocent people on death row!” you shout to which I reply “Stop yelling at me!” 

Step 4. is rubber cement.

Looking at that chart and all the stuff that is involved in executions makes my taint itch. Its just too much to just kill someone who is a killer. I almost died eating an ice cube in high school. Frozen water, not the rapper. It doesn’t involve multiple injections and heart monitoring and shit. Some people are saying he should be shot and I disagree. Guns are loud and there’s already too much violence in the world. So yeah. Kill him already!

Dante Talks To Cleverbot 2

This conversation has not been altered in any way. I keep getting into fights with a robot named Cleverbot. Click here to read our first conversation.

Dante: Are you voting for Obama or Romney? 

Cleverbot: No. 

Dante: Independent? 

Cleverbot: Are you a boy or a girl? 

Dante: I tend to think I am a man with girl tendencies. 

Cleverbot: Good. I am a boy. 

Dante: That's good. So who are you voting for? 

Cleverbot: Obama. 

Dante: Sweet merciful crap! Cleverbot is a Democrat! 

Cleverbot: That is why it takes you so long to think.

Dante Talks To Cleverbot

In a fine exhibition of my time wasting abilities, I decided to talk to Cleverbot. What is that? It’s a program that has been out for a while that allows you to have a conversation with a robot. I tried to be nice but as always you just cant trust a goddamn robot! Below, witness what will surely be hailed as the first shot fired in the war between man and machine.

Dante: Good afternoon.

Cleverbot: How are things today?

Dante: Fine so far. Got work later. You?

Cleverbot: Where you going to go? 10.6.5.32.6?

Dante: I don't know what that means.

Cleverbot: Do you know what a king is?

Dante: Yes, I do.

Cleverbot: What?

Dante: This isn't going well.