Dante's Fish Died

Billy Ocean Batman Maximus del Prime-O has passed away. I got the crazy little mofo back in mid-2010 from a pet shop that no longer exists. I was working on this show called WCG The Ultimate Gamer and while heading to Little Caesar’s I passed the place and decided that I needed fish in my life. Normally I mean this sexually but this time I mean a pet. When I saw him amongst the other fish he stood out because he was going nuts. The other fish were like “I don’t even care anymore…” But not him. I took him back to work and a few co-workers said “I’ve never seen you this happy.”

I’m sure some people are wondering why I would dedicate a blog to a fish. “Its just a fish…” you say. To understand how much this upsets me you have to know my story. And my story goes something like this.

In west Philadelphia born in raised on the playgrounds is how I spent much of my days. Chilling out. Maxing. Relaxing all cool. Shooting some B-ball outside of school. Sorry. Wrong story. When I was little I had pet fish. Multiple times. Its not that I couldn’t take care of them. They usually lived for a few years. But one day there was an incident. I came home one day and saw my fish, about ten of them, in the garden. No, not in the tank that was sitting in the garden. I mean they were poured out in the dirt.

Were they sick? No. Were they taking up space? No. My mother just felt like doing it. I know how that sounds. It sounds like I’m making it up or that she is some kinda super villain. Good. Because that’s how it needs to sound. I fucking loved those fish. Here is how the conversation went.

Me: “What happened to my fish?”


Her: (sits reading random magazine aimed towards Black women like Black Love, Black Confessions, or Black Passions)


Me: “What happened?!”


Her: “They didn’t serve a purpose.”

That’s it. And its not like she shouted it or anything. She just fucking had my father, her henchman, dump my tank full of beautiful and lively fish in the dirt. “They didn’t serve a purpose.” You tell me that isn’t some evil Cobra Commander shit right there! And the worst part is that she says she didn’t do any of this. She has no memory of any of this transpiring. I got fish afterwards but it was never the same until I got Maximus.

I loved that fish more than 99.9999% of humanity. You could wipe out an entire nation and I would say “Meh” and write a blog about some dude dumpster diving behind the gay bar. I noticed Maximus acting weird this past week. He wasn’t swimming to the top for food as fast as usual. He would just stay at the bottom of the tank unless I shook it. Then last night I noticed his skin was turning gray. Then this afternoon when I looked for him he was floating up top. I’m gonna miss that crazy son of a bitch.

R.I.P Billy Ocean Batman Maximus del Prime-O May 2010 - January 2012