I Make Movies...

So today I shot Episode 1: "The Doo Doo Incident." This is my series of films based on me living with serial killers Michael Myers and Jason Vorhees. Its been fun making these and I hope that you at least smile when watching them. Or shake you head in shame that you wasted a few minutes of your life. Either way, its all gravy, baby.

Favorite Movie Quotes

This is just a list of some of my favorite movie quotes. Of course I will think of some more to add later on when I am not nursing a headache and wishing I had some Jack Daniels and Coke. Rockets.

Stepbrothers

“I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!”

“You have the voice of an angel. I mean, it's like Fergie meets Jesus.”

“I have a belly full of white dog crap, and now you lay this shit on me?”

“You better not close your eyes, because as soon as you do, I'm gonna punch you square in the face!”

“Barbara Walters, Oprah, your wife. You gotta fuck one, kill one, and marry one, go!”

Training Day

“They got room for you at the booty house, you ever been to the booty house. Big boys have you grab you ankles…”

“We ain't killing nobody. This guy's got the magic eye. I can feel it. Just had a little freak-out, that's all. Now I say he's cool, and nobody's gonna hurt him. But you do have a decision to make, because in about 10 seconds, this whole place is gonna be overrun with blue suits.”

“Nothing's free in this world, Jake. Not even arrest warrants.”

“Then don't come down here again. I catch you down here again, I'ma take your vehicle. I'ma make you walk home. I'ma let the homeboys up the hill run a train on your girlfriend. You know what a train is, don't you?”

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

“God no, it smells like, like a used diaper...filled with...Indian food. Oh, excuse me.”

“What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.”

“They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.”

“Oh Audrey - I look like hell! I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league. YOU HEAR ME? AUDREY! LOOK AT ME! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Alright?”

Full Metal Jacket

“Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world!"

“These are great days we're living, bros. We are jolly green giants, walking the Earth with guns. These people we wasted here today are the finest human beings we will ever know. After we rotate back to the world, we're gonna miss not having anyone around that's worth shooting.”

“If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human, fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit. Because I am hard you will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?”

“Private Pyle I'm gonna give you three seconds; exactly three-fucking-seconds to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you! ONE! TWO! THREE!”

Snatch

“Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two small mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you've got your parties mangled up. There's no pussy here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman.”

“It's behind you Tyrone. Whenever you reverse, things come from behind you.”

“Have you ever crossed the road, and looked the wrong way? A car's nearly on you? So what do you do? Something very silly. You freeze. Your life doesn't flash before you, 'cause you're too fuckin' scared to think - you just freeze and pull a stupid face. But the pikey didn't. Why? Because he had plans of running the car over.”

Reservoir Dogs

“I'm very sorry the government taxes their tips, that's fucked up. That ain't my fault. It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. Look, if you ask me to sign something that says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it, put it to a vote, I'll vote for it, but what I won't do is play ball. And as for this non-college bullshit I got two words for that: learn to fuckin' type, 'cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent you're in for a big fuckin' surprise.”

“Nobody did! You assholes turn the jewelry store into a wild west show, and you wonder why the cops show up?”

“The man you just killed was just released from prison. He got caught at a company warehouse full of hot items. He could've fuckin' walked. All he had to do was say my dad's name, but he didn't; he kept his fucking mouth shut. And did his fuckin' time, and he did it like a man. He did four years for us. So, Mr. Orange, you're tellin' me this very good friend of mine, who did four years for my father, who in four years never made a deal, no matter what they dangled in front of him, you're telling me that now, that now this man is free, and we're making good on our commitment to him, he's just gonna decide, out of the fucking blue, to rip us off? Why don't you tell me what really happened?”

Tropic Thunder

“I'm a lead farmer, motherfucker!”

“I'm just like a little boy, playin' with his dick when he's nervous.”

“Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!”

“Cockburn, from now on my fist is going to be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring.”

“Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.”

Polar Opposites

TOKYO – Puzzled Japanese zookeepers have cleared up a mystery over a lack of chemistry between a couple of polar bears as both turn out to be female, a Japanese zoo said Wednesday. Tsuyoshi, a four-year-old "male" polar bear, and his 11-year-old female partner, Kurumi, have been living together since June at the Kushiro Municipal Zoo in Hokkaido, northern Japan.

But much to the frustration and puzzlement of zookeepers, the bear couple, on a breeding mission, showed no signs of chemistry, and Tsuyoshi has never gone into rut even during "his" mating period.

"Observing his behaviors, we got suspicious as to whether Tsuyoshi was really a male," the zoo said in a statement.

The zoo put Tsuyoshi under an anesthetic earlier in the month for a gender checkup, and learned he was a she.

"I have mixed feelings," Yoshio Yamaguchi, head of the zoo.

Tsuyoshi is very popular at the zoo, and Kyodo News agency said the zoo would not change his name to a female name. Tsuyoshi is a very common Japanese name for boys.

Experts say when polar bears are young, it is difficult to determine their gender as their long hair covers reproductive organs.

The zoo said it had determined Tsuyoshi was a male three months after his birth.

Somebody got their degree off a cereal box. I can only imagine the shame of anyone that was involved in this program to have these bears sexing it up. How hard can it be to lift up some fur and go, “By, Job! This thing has a vagina!”

Maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh. Humans have been around for a while and still cant tell chicks from dudes sometimes. I know where to look and it isn’t always the Adam’s Apple. You gotta check the hands. If she got Mad Hands then keep it moving unless you want a very unpleasant surprise. Oh, what was I talking about? That’s right.

Bears.

First those pandas and now this nonsense. I swear. Watch, soon a koala will be buried and dig itself from the ground and we’ll read a headline that says something like “Koalas can indeed rise back from the dead!” Is there no depth these creatures will sink to in their everlasting quest to anger and puzzle me? I’m not going near any zoos, I’ll tell you that. I don’t need to be attacked by zombie ass koalas with a newfound hunger for Black flesh. That’s a script just waiting to be written!

Imagine of people were tested for their sex at three months. “That is either a very tiny penis or a extremely large clitoris. Hmm. Let’s go with boy.” And what does “…we got suspicious as to whether Tsuyoshi was really a male” mean? Maybe he just didn’t like Kurumi that way. Maybe it just wanted to be friends. Oh, I need to eat lunch. This planet is making me feel crazy. Rockets.

Oh, Smell Naw!!!

DETROIT – A federal judge says a Detroit city employee can proceed with a civil suit claiming she couldn't work because of a co-worker's strong perfume.

The Detroit News says U.S. District Judge Lawrence Zatkoff determined Susan McBride has a potential claim under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

The city is asking to have the suit dismissed.

McBride says she's severely sensitive to perfumes and other cosmetics. She says the perfume worn by a co-worker in the city's Planning Department made it difficult for her to breathe.

She says the co-worker also used a plugged in room deodorizer.

The suit says the co-worker later agreed to stop using the room deodorizer but kept using perfume.

Now this, my friends, is an example of the justice system working properly. See, ya’ll might think I’m being sarcastic but I’m not. I am dead serious as I really hate people walking around with strong perfumes and deodorants.

There have been times when a lady wore something so strong it almost made me gag. When I was little my mother blasted me with some when I was walking behind her and I broke out like crazy. I have worn anti-perspirants that made my underarms peel. I don’t fuck around with smells.

At every job I worked at I either had to deal with employees or customers wearing half a bottle of Chanel No. Stank. Its one of those things like “What can I say?” If you tell them they cant go and wash it off. Its in their clothes, hair, and face holes. I actually prefer to smell someone that reeks of cigarette smoke than perfume. Where’s the advocates for second hand perfuming? They are afraid to speak because when they inhale they’ll get bombarded with the hottest new smell, that’s where!

Some people wear that stuff for so long that a lot to them is normal. Its like a drug. “All I need is one more spritz, baby. Come on. Let me spritz myself. Give me back that bottle! All’s I need is one more and I’m going to work. Oh, that feels good. Okay, I’m good. Well, one more wont hurt…”

Susan McBride is my Erin Brokovich. The next time I smell someone wearing a ton of perfume I am gonna start dry heaving all over the place and making direct eye contact. I don’t want them thinking “Maybe he is doing that because of someone else.” No, it’s you. I don’t like being forced to conform to your funky agenda. I refuse to. This is my Civil War. This is my Vietnam. This is my Coke or Pepsi. Taste great/less filling. With or without onions. This. Is. SPARTA!!!

Rockets.

Taking It Slow. Like, REALLY Slow...

CHICAGO – Won't kiss on the first date? How about waiting until marriage?

Chicagoans Melody LaLuz and Claudaniel Fabien shared their first kiss Saturday at the altar. The two teach abstinence at the city's public schools and practiced what they preached to their teenage students.

The Chicago Tribune reports that the couple had never kissed and that they had never been alone together in a house.

A friend of LaLuz says wedding guests cheered and stomped during the two-minute smooch between the 28-year-old bride and the 30-year-old groom.

LaLuz and Fabien say they have no worries about how they will spend their honeymoon in the Bahamas.

Okay, for serious? Is this really happening on my planet? Until last year I equated not having sex before marriage to buying a car without driving it. Not kissing until you get married is like buying a house without seeing it. At least you can say “This car blows scary uncle! I’m driving it back to the lot!” But with a house you’d have to go through so much drama just to get out of it.

Imagine if the first kiss was horrible? What would you do? I don’t believe these folks anyway. Seriously. I don’t. I don’t care how much self control you exercise, there ain’t no way you can not kiss someone you’re with. I bet the dude was all over her while she slept. All like “Fuck this nonsense! I’m kissing your hair or something while you’re knocked out…”

I just thought of something. I bet they had sex. Well, they said no kissing and they teach abstinence. Maybe they were into the whole oral thing. Yeah, that’s the ticket. I bet they were. A few years back they released some study where all of these super religious kids in school were having anal sex because they figured it still made them virgins. What’s the ticking sound? Oh, damn it.

That’s the Doomsday Clock.

I can only imagine what that survey meeting was like.

“So, kids? You having any pre-marital sex?”

No.

“None?”

No.

“Oral sex?”

No.

“Mutual masturbation?”

No.

“Anal?”

Oh, hell yeah! All the time!

That’s a huge leap. History has proved that the more religious someone is the more dangerous they are. I’m not talking about folks going to church a few times a week or read the bible like it’s the newspaper. I’m talking about those people that condemn everything under God’s sun. The one that scream bloody murder about abortions but damn you to hellfire in the same breath. They make me nervous.

Yeah, so that couple was, like, totally banging each other.

Rockets.

When Pandas Attack!!!

BEIJING (Reuters) – A panda at a zoo in southern China attacked a student who snuck into its pen hoping for a cuddle with the endangered bear, state media said Saturday.

The 20-year-old male student surnamed Liu jumped over the fence at the zoo in the tourist city of Guilin, ignoring warning signs not to, Xinhua news agency said.

"The panda, named Yangyang, was wide awake. Apparently scared by the intruder, he bit at Liu's arms and legs," quoted an unnamed worker as saying after zoo keepers managed to calm the bear and rescue Liu, the report said.

"Yangyang was so cute and I just wanted to cuddle him," Liu was quoted as saying from his hospital bed. "I didn't expect he would attack."

Scientists believe fewer than 2,000 giant pandas live in the wild in China.

Really? I swear, just when you think you’ve heard everything some dude wants to cuddle with a panda and gets his ass bit. Well, not his actual ass but you get what I’m saying. What would possess someone to do something so silly?

I’ve seen cats so damned fluffy that I would probably hurt them if I picked them up like Lenny in “Of Mice and Men.” Plus, I have that stuff, what’s it called? You know, that stuff some people are born with? Oh, right. Common sense. I know that cat if it felt like it would scratch my face and ruin my shirt. So I know not to mess around with pandas. Those things don’t have any sense any damned way. Want proof? Fine, you skeptical bastards.

They don’t even like themselves. That’s right, I said it. They refuse to sleep with each other to ensure that their species survives! Come on, pandas! How soft and cuddly can they really be if they don’t even wanna cuddle with each other? I don’t trust pandas. Or koala bears. I don’t trust any bear that don’t warn me with growls. It’s why I don’t trust chipmunks. They look like tiny bears. Sort of. Kind of? Okay, fine. They don’t look like bears. Whatever. You’re the one reading this psycho babble.

I think its funny that people go nuts over animals they wanna save but its only the cute, cuddly ones. Nobody is trying to save the sloth. And what’s happening? They disappearing. I bet its their claws that frighten people so. And because they don’t have cute white fur. I’d call it racist if I weren’t so damned smart. Anyhoot, I want all of you to heed my words and follow these rules to ensure that you do not end up on the business end of a pandas mouth.

1. Don’t go near a panda. They are batshit crazy.

2. Don’t poke at a panda. They don’t growl so you wont know you’re pissing them off.

3. Don’t try to cuddle a panda. You know what else is soft and fuzzy? Mold.

4. Don’t wear a sleeping panda like a coat. Yeah, its funny but it’ll wake up and bite something off you’ll miss.

5. Never talk about Fight Club.

6. Don’t tease a panda. The word “danger” is in “endangered.”

7. Pandas are inherently evil. Ever see one smile? That’s what I thought.

8. Pandas like the Jonas Brothers. If that ain’t evil I don’t know what is.

9. Pandas are alcoholics. See those black eyes? Yeah, that’s from all that drinking.

10. Pandas are 63% lead. I’ve done the research people. Trust me. I wear glasses making me four and a half times smarter than you.

Rockets.